Written by Kat
Authors Note: These two episodes would be shown together, like TOW Ross's Wedding,
Parts 1 & 2. The actual cliff-hanger is right at the end, and you'll have to wait till
Season 6 for that! Don't worry, it won't be that long before you find out what happens.
Give me two or three weeks….
Meanwhile, enjoy….
(SCENE: Monica & Rachel's. The whole gang are sitting down, talking)
ROSS: I can't believe you'd say that! Stan is much cooler than Cartman!
JOEY: No way, man! Could you see Stan being fat and cool at the same time? Nooo! Stan is a wuss with a gay dog!
RACH: Will you guys be quiet? It's just a cartoon.
ROSS: I just think Stan is cooler, is all.
MON(shouting): Okay, you made your point, Ross! You don't always have to be right, you know!!
ROSS(quiet): I'm sorry…
CHAN: Mon, calm down. C'mere. (he is sitting in the armchair, and he pats next to him. Monica obediently sits down)
PHOE: Wow! You've got her trained.
MON(stressed): Shutup Phoebe!
PHOE: God, someone got out the wrong side of bunk bed this morning.
RACH: Honey, the saying is someone got out the wrong side of bed, not bunk bed.
PHOE: Well, me and Ursula used to share a bunk, and the saying stuck.
JOEY: So, Monica, were you sick again?
CHAN: She was sick? (to Mon) You okay, sweetie?
MON(she is obviously not fine): I'm fine.
PHOE: Wow, what was it like?
JOEY: Sick everywhere…All over the carpet, the sofa…If only she'd made it to the bathroom in time.
PHOE: Oh, no, I meant the renaissance.
RACH: What?
PHOE: It's between me and Leonardo Da Vinci.
MON(getting up): What is it with you and your stupid past lives? It's not healthy, you know!
PHOE: Normally, I would be offended, but I guess your going through a hard time right now, what with all the stuff…
MON: What are you talking about?
PHOE: Wouldn't you like to know? (looks straight at camera, appears to be looking right at us) And you. I bet you would love to know
(The camera moves, to show Phoebe is talking to Chandler, not us)
CHAN: No, I just think you're really weird.
OPENING CREDITS
(Scene: Monica & Rachel's. It's later on. Monica is lying on the sofa, and Joey is looking through her cooking equipment, which is all on the table)
JOEY(holding up a melon baller): What does this do?
MON: It balls melons.
JOEY: Ohh… (holds up ice-cream scoop) What does this one do?
MON: It makes scoops of ice cream round.
JOEY: Ohh…(holds up a potato masher) What does thi-
MON: Will you please stop?!
JOEY(putting down masher): Gee, Mon, just asking. I have a cooking class tonight, you know.
MON: Whatever.
JOEY: Are you sad cos I didn't ask you to teach me?
MON: No, I'm relieved. I don't feel so good right now.
JOEY: You wanna drink?
MON: Yeah. Do we have any fruit juice?
JOEY: Nope
MON: Oh…
JOEY: How bout coffee?
MON: God no! The last thing I want is coffee!
(Joey gets up, his face shocked in a funny way.)
JOEY: W-w-what did you just say?
MON: No coffee. In fact, forget it. I'm gonna go to bed.
JOEY: O-okay. (he gulps, tearful) Have a nice sleep.
(Monica goes to her room)
JOEY: No coffee? I can't believe it…
(Chandler & Ross enter)
ROSS: Hey! (sees Joey's face) Hey, dude, what's the problem? (mocking) Did Charlotte just die?
JOEY: Who?
ROSS: Charlotte's Web. (Chandler starts to look worried) You know, cos Charlotte dies.
JOEY(lips quivering, funny): Charlotte d-dies?? (chokes back a tear) Excuse me.
(He walks out)
CHAN: Well done, man. He did not know that. I have tried my best to keep it from him but noooo, you have to spoil it!
ROSS: I'm sorry.
(Monica comes out of her room)
MON: I'm trying to sleep. Can you keep it down?
CHAN(walking over to her): Hey baby. How ya doin? Feel better? (he kisses he)
MON: Not really. I feel sick.
CHAN: Aw, honey. C'mere. (they hug)
ROSS: Now I feel sick…Could you guys be any more sappy?
(Chandler smiles)
CHAN: Go back to bed, Mon.
(Rachel enters)
RACH: Monica Gellar, you stay right there! Me and you are going away this Friday, and we aren't coming back till you feel better. (pause) Or on Monday, when I have to go back to work!
MON: Where are we going? And Friday is tomorrow, Rach.
RACH: I know that. We're going to…(sees Chandler looking interested) A secret location, where boyfriends can't disturb stressed girlfriends. And Chandler and Joey are gonna flat sit! See I sorted it all out, without any help! (proud of herself) Are you proud of me? It's the first time I've ever arranged anything! (holds out her arms) Hug!
MON: What?
RACH: Hug!
(Monica hugs her half-heartedly)
CHAN: Me and Joey are flat-sitting? See, I don't think that's gonna work. Not at all.
MON: Why not?
CHAN: Where's Jo gonna put his rubbish?
RACH: In a bin?
(SCENE: A hotel room. Rachel and Monica are entering)
RACH: Oh! Doesn't it feel great to get away! Doesn't it! (Monica is sitting on one of the beds, looking very worried)
RACH(uncertain): Doesn't it?
MON: Can I talk to you, Rachel?
RACH: Well, I think that if we didn't, this break would be a bust.
MON: No, never mind. It doesn't matter.
RACH: What's wrong? Mon, tell me. C'mon, I'm your best friend. You can tell me anything.
MON: Well, yesterday, I ate a cheese, prawn and marmite sandwich.
RACH: So, you ate a weird sandwich? Big deal.
MON: I had a craving for it. Also, I'm 2 weeks late.
RACH: For what?
MON: You know…
RACH: Not really.
MON: Rachel! You know…
RACH: Oh. Oh! Well, it's probably nothing much.
MON: I've been sick every morning for two weeks. I've even put on a couple pounds.
RACH: Do you really think that you're…you know? Pregnant?
MON: I don't know.
RACH: Well, have you and Chandler been using protection?
MON: Yes! All the time! Oh, except the time that we…forgot to.
RACH: Oh my god! You're gonna have a little baby! (her eyes are wide) Oh my god! You have to phone Chandler!
MON: After I've taken a pregnancy test.
RACH: Do you have one?
MON: Right here. I'm gonna use it now. (she takes a box out of her bag and rushes to the bathroom)
RACH: Okay. But don't be too long in there, cos I really have to go!
(SCENE: Monica & Rachel's. Joey is carrying a rucksack inside, and there's some bags around. Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are there)
JOEY(to Chandler): It's just, you know, if Charlotte hadn't died, Wilbur's life would've been so much better.
CHAN: Okay. You've said that, what, 20 times?
PHOE: Who's Charlotte?
CHAN: The spider in Charlotte's Web.
PHOE: I love that movie. Ever since I watched it when I was 22, my life has changed. I owe it all to Charlotte. (pause) She died? Really? Oh my god!
(She runs into the bathroom)
CHAN: A spider that touched many people's lives. How poetic.
JOEY: I wouldn't let a spider stand with 5 feet of me, let alone touch my life! Ugh…(he shivers)
CHAN: What about Charlotte?
JOEY: She doesn't count. She could talk.
CHAN: Hey, can I talk to you for second?
JOEY: Sure (he turns on the TV) Look at that! It's a kitten, yet it's attacking a dog!
CHAN: Joey…
JOEY: What?
CHAN: I need to talk to-
JOEY: Hey, it's scratching it!! Go kitty!
CHAN: Never mind.
(Phoebe comes out of the bathroom, sniffing)
PHOE: Sorry about that. I feel better now. I guess it's a good thing I have a spirit guide, huh?
CHAN: Great thing.
(Ross enters, tripping over a bag)
ROSS: Ow!
PHOE: Are you okay?
ROSS: I'm fine. (he gets up)
JOEY: I put that there on purpose…(he laughs)
ROSS: You could've killed someone!
JOEY: Nah…I don't think so.
ROSS: So, did Mon and Rachel leave okay this morning?
JOEY: Sh…
ROSS: Are you shushing me? Why?
JOEY: Cos someone is lovesick.
ROSS: Who?
JOEY: Chandler misses Monica!
CHAN: I do not!
JOEY: Oh sure, then why were you crying before?
CHAN: I was not crying! I was…acting.
JOEY: Oh, please! There can only be one good actor in this group.
CHAN: And who would that be?
JOEY: That wasn't very nice.
CHAN: I'm sorry! (they hug) You're the best actor ever!
JOEY: Are you kidding? I suck!
PHOE: You don't suck! You're just a little slow!
JOEY: Listen Phoebe, you're just gonna have to accept it: I suck.
ROSS: Accept it. We have. Everyone has.
JOEY: Including me. I am at peace with my suckiness. That's why I'm gonna be a chef.
(The gang gasp)
JOEY: Had ya goin there!
(SCENE: The hotel room where Rachel & Monica are staying. Rachel is reading a magazine, and Monica is just coming out of the bathroom)
MON: Well, I took the test.
(Rachel gets up quickly, dropping her magazine)
RACH: And? (Monica starts to talk) One second, I have to go!
(We can hear cluttering in the bathroom, and Rachel cursing. About 20 seconds later Rachel runs out)
MON: What, are you a man?
RACH: What did the test say?
MON: It was positive. I'm pregnant.
RACH: Oh my god! (she grabs Monica into a hug)
MON: Ow.
RACH: Oh god, I'm sorry! (she lets go) We have to go home, right now!
MON: Now?
RACH: Yes, now! You have to tell Chandler!
MON(sarcastic): Yippee.
RACH: Oh come on, this is a great thing! He'll be over the moon!
MON: You think?
RACH: I know. Now, let's get packing. I'm gonna do the whole lot. (pause) Oh, except could you maybe do it for me?
(She smiles awkwardly)
(END SCENE: Joey is by himself. He goes over to the oven)
JOEY: Time to put these cooking skills to work!
CHAN(from Monica's room): Who are you talking to?
JOEY(to Chandler): Myself! I'm gonna cook me an omelette! You want one?
CHAN(from Mon's room): Nope.
JOEY(to Chandler): Okay!
(He starts to get all the ingredients together, whistling. He mixes them together, and turns on the stove)
(He goes to sit down, and behind him we see a flame)
JOEY(sniffing): Mmm…What a smell!
(The flame gets bigger, and Joey turns around)
(He screams)
(Chandler comes out of Monica's room)
CHAN: What's going on? (he sees the fire, which is even bigger) (he screams) Joey!
JOEY: Yeah?
(They both look at eachother, and simultaneously scream. Joey grabs the chick and the
duck, and they run out into the hallway)
BOTH: Fire! Fire! Fire!
TOW The Fire, Part Two
(OPENING SCENE: Continued from before.)
BOTH: Fire! Fire!
(Rachel and Monica come up the stairs)
RACH: What did you just say??
BOTH: Fire! Fire! Fire!!!!
MON: Fire? In my apartment?
JOEY: Yeah!
RACH: I'll call 911! (she gets out her mobile, and dials. She goes to a corner)
MON: This is so not what I need right now.
CHAN: Why, what's up?
MON: Nothing. I'm fine.
RACH: The fire brigade are coming right away!
JOEY: Phew. I was worried!
MON: How did this happen, Joey?
JOEY: Well, I was cooking-
CHAN: An omelette. He was cooking an omelette and he burnt down an apartment.
MON: Joey! You were cooking an omelette?? In one of my omelette pans?
JOEY: No.
RACH: Monica, calm down. This is not good for the baby.
CHAN: What?
RACH: For her rabies! Duh!
CHAN: Okay…
MON(sarcastic): Good save, Rach.
RACH(sincere): Oh, that's no problem.
OPENING CREDITS
(SCENE: Hallway. About 2 hours later. Phoebe and Ross are now there)
(A fireman comes out of Monica & Rachel's place)
FIREMAN: Well, you girls are very lucky. No damage to either of the bedrooms. The only damage is to the kitchen, but the rest is okay.
MON: Thank god.
RACH: I'm so glad everything's okay. I couldn't bare it if anything happened to my shoes! Or my clothes…Oh god! My bags, my makeup, everything!
MON: You made you point, Rachel.
ROSS: Are you girls gonna go straight back in there? After the fire and all, I figure you should at least wait a while.
MON: No, you know I just wanna lie down. I don't care what the place is like, I jus-
RACH: What about the smoke? Breathing all that in is not good for-
MON: Me. Yeah I know.
RACH: Oh. Aren't you gonna say anything about that thing we were talking about on our break?
MON: Later.
CHAN: What's goin on? Did you tell Rachel about…y'know? What we were talking about earlier…?
MON(a little annoyed): Later.
CHAN: Oh, okay.
FIREMAN: Do you guys want me to go?
JOEY: I think you better. These guys have some huuuge issues!
PHOE: More than you know. Oh, wait a second, I did it again! I've gotta stop giving everything away!
RACH: So, Chandler, did you do anything while we were away? Y'know, like make preparations for the b…Oops. I did it again.
(SCENE: Monica & Rachel's. The kitchen is charred, but Monica & Rachel are sitting down talking regardless of it, not seeming to notice or care that the whole kitchen is black)
RACH: I can't believe you haven't told him yet!
MON: We've only been home a day, and what with the fire and everything, I haven't had time. I'll tell him later.
RACH: What was he talking about before? Y'know, he said "Have you told Rach yet?"?
MON: It's nothing. Don't worry about it.
RACH: Okay…
(Phoebe enters)
PHOE: Hey! (she sees the kitchen) Wow, the kitchen looks terrible! (Monica looks upset) But great considering it was Joey who was cooking!
RACH: It's not too bad. I mean, after all the smoke was gone, it's just like brand new. (she goes over to Phoebe, and lowers her voice) Try not to talk about it. It upsets Monica and that's the last thing she needs right now. Y'know what with…(realises) Oh, you don't! Never mind
PHOE: Okay. No problem. So, Monica, you wanna go shopping later? We could have fun!
MON: I can't. I have to talk to Chandler about some-
PHOE: No, I insist! We're going shopping for new cheffy stuff, and I'm paying.
MON: I dunno-
RACH: You just as well go, Mon. Free stuff! You know what I told you about passing up free stuff!
MON: Okay, okay! I'll go.
PHOE: Yay! We should start at Madame Fortuna's Cookware Shop! That's where I get all my stuff!
MON: Or not.
PHOE(slightly hurt): An equally good suggestion.
(SCENE: Monica & Rachel's. The whole gang, minus Monica and Phoebe, are talking. Joey is eating a huge sandwich)
CHAN: So, Rach, did you guys have fun?
RACH: It was okay, yeah.
JOEY: So, why d'ya come home early?
RACH(stumped): Well, uh, um, I dunno. Cos we missed you guys? (idea) Yeah! Monica missed Chandler! Uh-huh.
JOEY: Why didn't you just say that?
RACH: I forgot. Shutup now, Joey.
ROSS: So…what are you gonna do about the fire? You got insurance?
RACH: I dunno. Monica handles all the money stuff. I spend, she sorts. I'm clueless.
CHAN(playful): In what way?
RACH(lightly tapping him): Chandler!
(Monica and Phoebe enter. Monica is carrying two bags, and Rachel rushes up to get them from her)
RACH: Monica! Give me those! God, you are not very good at this whole thing!
(Rachel takes the bags, and drops them with a clatter on the floor)
RACH: God, they're heavy!
CHAN: What is going on? Rachel, you're being too nice. When did you ever offer to carry anything for Monica? Or anything, as a matter of a fact.
MON: Leave her alone, she's just being helpful…
CHAN: I guess. C'mere, baby.
(Monica goes over to him, and he kisses her)
CHAN: You feel better today, sweetie?
MON: A little. I guess shopping took my mind of things. I needed it.
PHOE: And, and! I got to go to Madame Fortuna's and I bought an old stone age cooking
pan! I've wanted one of these for ages.
CHAN: Okay, well, whatever. (he kisses Monica again) How about we go out later? We can
discuss, well you know?
MON: Sure, honey.
CHAN: Great. (they kiss)
JOEY: Oh, please! Just cos you two are engaged, it doesn't mean you can act all lovey-dovey!
MON: When can we start to act "lovey-dovey" then, Joey?
JOEY: I dunno, when you're married, or when you have kids.
(Monica and Rachel laugh awkwardly)
JOEY: Monica, I bought you a present!
MON: Really? What?
JOEY: I'll just get it. One second.
(He rushes out and comes back in about 5 seconds)
JOEY: Here you are! Sorry about the ketchup…It came from the sandwich.
(He hands her a shoddily wrapped gift, which is obviously a small frying pan)
MON(pretending): Wow! What could it be?
(She opens it)
MON: Thanks Joey! That's really sweet.
JOEY: It's to replace the other one…
PHOE: Well, you know, didn't you buy about 4 of them earlier?
MON: Yes, but this one is blue. Not black. Plus, this one has sentimental value-
JOEY: What?
MON: Sentimental value.
JOEY: Lost me.
MON: I love it Joey. It's really special to me. Thank you.
(Monica grins, and hugs Joey)
JOEY: Okay!
RACH: Aw, maybe you two should start dating! Watch out Chandler, he might steal her from you.
CHAN: That's actually not funny, because that's normally what happens to my girlfriends. They meet Joey, and forget all about me existing.
RACH: Oh.
MON: Well, that's not gonna happen with me.
(Joey drops the sandwich he is eating, and gets ketchup all over the floor)
CHAN: Oh man! You know, if I do move in here, you're gonna have to stop that!
(The whole gang look shocked. Monica looks awkward, and Chandler gulps)
RACH: Whoa. Back up there one second. Mon, what did he just say?
MON(fast): Well, me and Chandler were talking, and we were discussing living together. That's all. It's nothing really!
RACH: Here? Living here?
MON: Yeah…See, we thought Joey could move in with Ross, and you and Phoebs could move next door.
ROSS: Joey living with me? Y'know that actually might be okay. And Rachel and Phoebe could do up the boy's apartment, and that'd be cool!
JOEY: Or…Rachel could live with me!
RACH: No.
JOEY: Or not.
CHAN: So? What does everyone think?
PHOE: Well, it would be fun to live with Rachel…
ROSS: And I could use some help with the rent.
CHAN: So, why d'ya want Joey living with you?
JOEY: Ha ha. I pay rent sometimes.
MON: Anyway…Is it settled?
CHAN: Well, if it's not, Rach could still stay in her room, and Jo could live alone.
There's still a spare room.
MON: But, you know, we should leave it spare.
CHAN: Why?
MON: I dunno. I guess I'd rather live just with you.
RACH: And, and, I wanna live with Phoebs.
PHOE: Cool!
ROSS: This is really gonna work out great.
CHAN: I could move in right away!
RACH: Isn't it gonna take a little while to sort it all out? Don't we have to tell Treager?
JOEY: Please. When was the last time we told Treager anything about who lived where! (pause) One second, what about Yasmine and Dick?
ROSS: Who?
JOEY: The chick and the duck. Who's gonna take them?
MON: I am not having birds in my apartment.
CHAN: Yeah, Joey you take them. I'll visit all the time, and I'll send you cash to get them food and stuff.
JOEY(tearful): It's like the end of an era.
PHOE: Well, you know, it's not that far from the millennium. So, we kinda are at the end of an era.
RACH: You know, Monica, I think now you be a good time to tell someone about the thing.
MON: Would it?
RACH: Yeah, cos of all the apartment swapping, you may as well come clean.
ROSS: What's going on?
CHAN: Mon? Are you okay?
MON: I'm fine. It's just well…
JOEY: What? What?
MON(to Chandler): Maybe we should be alone for this.
RACH: You know, Monica, being that I know, I'd have to disagree with you. I think you should definitely let the others, including me, stay to hear your wonderful news.
MON(to Rachel): And why's that, Rachel?
RACH: Cos, everyone has a right to know about it. They'll find out anyway. (pause) Plus, I can't wait to see Chandler's face when you tell him he's gonna be a daddy!
(The gang gasp, even more than when Chandler let slip about the apartments. Chandler looks like he's going to faint, and Rachel looks really awkward. Joey has wide, wide eyes, and Phoebe looks casual. Monica looks nervous.)
RACH: Oops. I really did it this time.
CHAN: W-ww-w-w…Huh?
MON: Um well, I'm pregnant. I was trying to tell you before, but with the apartment, and Phoebe taking me shopping, and all. I didn't have time to tell you…
CHAN: You're…pregnant?
JOEY: That's so cool!
PHOE: I knew that!
RACH: How did you know?
PHOE: I dunno. I didn't actually know, but I knew something was going on!
ROSS: I'm gonna be an uncle?
JOEY: Me too!
ROSS: No, you're not…
JOEY(quiet): I'm not?
ROSS: No, cos you're not related.
JOEY: Ohh…Yeah, I knew that.
MON(worried): Chandler, say something. You're starting to scare me. Honey, talk to me.
CHAN: I, uh…
MON(sarcastic, worried): Oh, well, I feel much better now.
PHOE: Hey, you know, this is the 3rd pregnancy in 5 years! First Carol, then me- well, I guess I didn't count cos it was a surrogacy- and now you! Chandler, you must be so, so happy!
MON: Come on, honey. Tell me what you think.
(No response. The others look on)
MON: I mean, this is a good thing, right?
CHAN: Well, I…
FADE TO BLACK
TO BE CONTINUED...