The One With The Feather-Duster
(Season 5 Premiere)

By Hayley

This is my first fanfic so it might not be very good. It how I think the Season 5 premiere should go.

(Same scene as the end of the 4th season finale)

Vicar: Now repeat after me Ross. I take thee Emily.

Ross: I take thee Rachel.

(Various gasps)

Ross: Emily. Ha. Emily.

(Everyone looks stunned including Ross)

Vicar: Shall I go on?

(Emily runs outside of the church in tears)

Ross: I'm sorry everyone but the wedding is off.

(He to runs outside to look for Emily. Everyone is silent. Rachel looks upset)

Joey: (On the phone to Phoebe) Did you get all that Pheebs?

(Cut to Phoebe on phone)

Phoebe: Yes! Well what's happening now?

(Cut back to the Church)

Joey: Well everyone's sort of walking outside and Chandler.... (Looks) Chandler! Chandler seems to have gone. I can't see Monica or Rachel. I'm on my own Pheebs. Except.....

(The camera pans out to see that the brides maid Joey hooked up with is still standing there)

Bridesmaid(Felicity): Hey Joey.

Joey: How you doing?

(They start to kiss passionately. Phoebe's still on the other end of the phone.
Cut to Phoebe still on the phone)

Phoebe: EWWWWWW! (Shouts down the phone) I'm going now Joey. Joey! (She makes a 'ewww' face and slams the phone down)

Phoebe: (To herself) Well I'm sure Joey enjoying himself.

Opening Credits

(Scene: Monica's Hotel room. Rachel is sat on the edge of the bed crying. Monica is trying to comfort her)

Rachel: It's all my fault. I mean it was my name he said.

Monica: It's not your fault. It's my light headed brother who's fault it is.

Rachel: How is it? I came and ruined the best day of his life. He could be happily married by now, flying away to his honeymoon. But then me big, fat Rachel Green came along hoping he would say (Mimics Ross) 'I love you Rach. Marry me instead of the British chippy'. But he didn't he messed our names up and now he's really mad at me.

Monica: Ross is not mad at you. It's his fault. He's probably a little confused at the moment.

Rachel: Well what does this mean? Do you see us getting back together.

Monica: (Hugs her) Well I would love you to get back together. But I think he's in love with Emily. But if he said your name maybe he's inlove with you aswell.

Rachel: He's in love with me aswell? Do really think so?

Monica: Look why don't you talk with Ross. I'm sure he knows who he loves more than I do.

Rachel: Yeah. I'll do that. But not right now. I'm sure he's worried about where Emily is. Thanks Monica. (They hug) Now lets hope Ross, Chandler and Joey can find her.

(At that point Chandler and Joey burst in. Breathing heavily)

Chandler: Hey..... Did...... You..... Ross....... Emily..... Water...... Water.....

Monica: Want water?

Chandler: Yeah! (Monica hands him a bottle he snatches it from her and gulps the lot all at once)

Chandler: Bathroom.......Bathroom! (Monica points towards the bathroom. He runs in and slams the door)

Rachel:(To Joey) What's with him?

(We hear a splash. Then the sound of the toilet flushing.
Chandler appears from the bathroom)

Chandler: Monica, You didn't really like that flowery soap dish did you?

Rachel: What's with you?

Chandler: (Points at Joey) Him. Chased me half around London with his stupid little camera. Instead of looking for Emily.

Joey: Hey! This is our last day in London and I wanted some action footage. Nobody cares where Emily is.

Chandler: Only you and your camera don't care where she is. If we can't find her we'll end up in London a little longer then we planned.

Joey: Cool! Hey won't that cost more money?

Chandler: Wow we're quick today. (Joey looks upset)

Monica: (Changing the subject) Where's Ross?

Chandler: He went to Emily's parents house. I think it's all Rachel's fault. She messed......
(Monica and Joey give him a 'are you stupid' look)

Chandler: Hey Rach your here! (Goes over and hugs her. Rachel looks upset. She runs into the bathroom. Chandler turns around and looks at Monica and Joey)

Monica: You've really put your foot in it this time.

Joey: EWWWW! (Whispers to Monica, confused) What did he put his foot in?

(Monica and Chandler look at him oddly)

(Scene: The front door of Emily's parents house. Ross runs to the door and bangs on the door.
The housekeeper { June Whitfield} opens the door. She's holding a feather duster)

Ross: Hi. I'm Ross Geller. (She looks at him oddly) I was supposed to be marrying Emily today.

Housekeeper: Oh. So Your Ross Geller. (She starts hitting him with her feather duster) You horrible, horrible man how could you do such a thing!

Ross: I'm sorry. Would you stop hitting me? (He snatches the feather duster off her and throws it to the floor) Can I come in and speak to Emily, please.

Housekeeper: Now. You don't demand to enter one's house demanding to speak to someone who does not wish to speak with you.

Ross: What? (Shouts into the house) Emily! Emily!

Housekeeper: She is not here. She is at a... (Thinks) .... Jack and Judy Geller's hotel room.

Ross: (Surprised) Huh? My mum and dad.

Housekeeper: Your mum and dad are not here. Now would you please leave. (She slams the door. She opens the door again, picks up the feather duster, She makes a few strange noises and slams the door again. Ross makes a snooty face at the door. Then the house keeper says from inside...)

Housekeeper: I saw that!

(Chandler and Joey's hotel room. Monica and Chandler are sat on the end of Chandler's bed. Desperate for Joey to leave. Joey is watching Casualty { English version of ER} . He looks interested)

Chandler: Do you think Rachel's still mad at me?

Monica: What do you think? You blamed her for messing up the wedding. When I had only just convinced her she hadn't.

Joey: Wow. (His eyes are fixed on the TV screen) The blood actually looks real on this show. Ouch! (He flinches) That's gotta hurt.

Monica: (Whispering to Chandler) When is he going to go so that...... you know.

Chandler: Leave this to me.

Monica: I was afraid you'd say that.

Chandler: Now play along. (To Joey) Joey. Umm how many umm oreos have we got left in our hotel room?

Joey: (Eyes still on the TV) 3 Boxes.

Chandler: Oh. (Mouths) Damnit.

Monica: Umm Joey. Where's your new girlfriend?

Joey: Girlfriend? I have no girlfriend.

Chandler: Umm. Joey. Where's your British fling?

Joey: That I have. Umm. Hang on. She's..... Oh God! I don't know where she is? Hey do you think......(Joey jumps up from where he's siting and runs out the door. He comes back in)

Joey: If I miss anything tell me about okay. (He runs out again shouting Felicity)

(Just as Chandler and Monica are about to kiss Ross runs in.
Chandler and Monica jump apart)

Chandler: I give up.

Ross: Do you know which room mum and dad are in?

Monica: They are on the floor below in room 114. Why do you want to know?

Ross: Mr. and Mrs. Waltham's snooty housekeeper told me Emily was with them.

Monica: Why would she be there?

Chandler: Is this housekeeper on anything?

Ross: Well I'm about to find an answer to Monica's question. I could answer Chandler's question now.

Monica and Chandler: Good luck! (Ross leaves)

Chandler: Finally. Peace!

(They start to kiss again. Joey walks in with his arm around Felicity)

Joey: Umm. Could you guys excuse us, please?

(Chandler and Monica sigh and go out into the hall)

Chandler: Remind me never to get a hotel room with him again.

(They hear from behind the closed door 'How you doing' and then a giggle)

Monica: Gross! (They both wander off down the hall)


(Outside Ross' mum and dad hotel room. Ross bangs on the door. Jack and Judy appear hair is a mess and clothes are all buttoned up in the wrong holes. They both have whipped cream on there faces)

Jack: Hi Ross.

Judy: Hi Sweetie. Come in. Umm don't mind the mess.
(Ross walks in. The walls and furniture is covered in cream)

Ross: What happened in here?

Jack: You'll understand when your older, son.

Judy: What do you want, sweetie?

Ross: Is Emily with you?

Jack: Why no. We haven't seen Emily since the wedding.

Ross: Oh no. Where can she be? She hates me.

Judy: Aw honey, Emily is probably upset and wants to be alone right now.

Jack: Have you spoke to Rachel? She would make a much better bride. I always liked Rachel.

Judy: Jack! Our son is quite capable of making his own decisions.

Ross: It's okay mum. I'll call Emily when I'm back in New York.
(He goes to sit down on a chair)

Jack: Son, I wouldn't sit there.

Ross: Why not?

Jack: You'll understand when your older, son.

Ross: Okay I'm going to go and speak to Rachel. (He gets up and goes to the door) Thanks.
(He goes out and closes the door)

Jack: Now where were we?

Judy: Where ever you want me to be.

(Ross is stood outside Rachel's hotel door. He takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. He looks nervous.
The door opens all of a sudden. An old woman is stood there. Her hair is in curlers and she has stockings around her ankles)

Ross: Rachel? Your not Rachel. I must have the wrong door. (He walks to the next door. The old woman mumbles something)

Old woman: Grease monkey!

(Ross looks disturbed and knocks on the door next door)

Ross: (Crossing his fingers) Please be Rachel. Please be Rachel.

(A very upset Rachel opens the door)

Rachel: Hey Ross.

Ross: Hey. Can we talk?

Rachel: Sure

(She lets him in and closes the door behind him)

Rachel: Sit down. Do you want anything?

Ross: No it's O.k. I can't be long I haven't packed yet.

Rachel: Oh

Ross: So.

Rachel: So

Ross: So do you know that woman next door?

Rachel: Yeah. I think her name's Mrs. Farmley. I don't know for sure. She looked pretty mad when I asked her. But.....

Ross: (Interrupting) Rachel. I have something to tell you. And not about cranky old women.

Rachel: First I have to ask you something. What made you say my name in the Church instead of Emily's?

Ross: I don't know. Perhaps because when you came I was that happy to see you I thought about you for the whole wedding.

Rachel: Well. What does this mean?

Ross: Rach I don't know. In the Church it felt like I was marrying you. So... Maybe... I don't know ...... I still love you.

(They are both silent. Rachel has a tear in her eye)

Rachel: Oh my God. (They hug. Audience cheers) Does this mean we're back together? And what about Emily?

Ross: Well I sure want us to get back together. And I don't think Emily wants to even see me anymore.

Rachel: But she'll hate me. I mean taking her fiancÚ.

Ross: She won't. She'll have to understand. It's always been you Rach.

(They Kiss. Audience cheers again)

Rachel: I can live with that.

(They Kiss again)

Rachel: Will you talk to Emily?

Ross: Sure. As soon as we get home.

(He kisses her more passionately)

Rachel: He's back!

(They kiss. Chandler and Monica run in)

Monica: Help. Hide us! (They jump behind the couch. They pop back up again seeing Ross and Rachel hugging)

Monica: Oh my God! Your back together. (Chandler and Monica rush over and hug Ross and Rachel.
Joey walks in angry. His hair's a mess and his shirt buttons are all in the wrong holes)

Joey: Can I talk to you two for a second. (Points at Chandler and Monica)

Joey: What do you think you were doing?

Chandler: I'm sorry we couldn't resist.

Joey: Walking in on me and Felicity doing stuff. Then telling her I had a wife and 2 girlfriends back in New York, Isn't the sort of thing you do to a best friend and a growing relationship. I mean it could of gone well. We could of got to the second level.

Rachel: Second level?

Joey: Yeah y'know learning her second name.

Monica: Well you deserved it!

Joey: Why did I deserve it?

(Everyone is silent. Chandler and Monica are trying to think of a good excuse)
Ross: So Rachel and I got back together.

Joey: Oh great! Wow so when's the wedding!

All: Joey!

Joey: There's nothing wrong with being prepared is there?

Ross: Well I better go pack. The flight leaves in a few hours.

Rachel: I'll see you downstairs.
(Kisses him)

Ross: No Rach, come with me.

Rachel: Ross, I'll see you downstairs.

(They kiss again. Monica, Chandler and Joey make gagging noises)

Ross: Well I'm going now. Bye.

Chandler, Monica and Joey: Bye Bye Ross!

Rachel: Bye Honey. (Ross and Rachel blow each other kisses then Ross leaves)

Monica: We're so happy for you two. You make a perfect couple.

Joey: Yeah. Shame about Emily though.

All: Yeah.

Chandler: Look Rachel. I'm sorry about what I said I didn't mean it like that.

Rachel: That's Okay. I mean it worked out. (They hug)

Monica: Well. I gather everyone here has packed.

Joey: Packed! Packed! Were we supposed to pack?

Chandler: Joey. We're leaving in a few hours. How could you not have packed?

Joey: Well I was busy you know with Felicity and all.

Monica: Well Joey aren't you.......

Joey: Ok I'm going. You two are just like my Mum and Dad. (He goes out)

Chandler: Well I better go. You know to.... Umm. Help Joey. (Runs out)

Monica: Well we only have a few hours left in good old England. I've packed so.... shall we make the most of it?

Rachel: Yeah.

(They both walk to the door as if they're going to go out. But they slam the door and sit down on the couch together)

Monica: You know we could make the most of it here.

(She switches on the TV. They both look bored about what's on the television)

Rachel: Race you to the bar.

Monica: Your on.

(They both run out and slam the door)

Closing Credits

(The Plane. Rachel, Ross and Joey are seated. There are two extra seats obviously Chandler and Monica's. Joey is reading a comic and Ross and Rachel are talking. Chandler and Monica come back. Their hair is a mess)

Chandler: We're back.

Rachel: Where have you been?

Monica: Umm to see the pilot.

Ross: I'm no expert but isn't the pilot at the front of the plane?

Chandler: (Thinking) We went to see the carpet at the back of the plane.

Joey: Cool!

(The camera closes up on Chandler and Monica looking guilty. Then it pans to Ross and Rachel looking suspicious then to Joey's face who hasn't got a clue what's going on)