The One With the Duck in the Oven

Author: Chris Freestone

Additional Material: Marcia Hunter, Miriam Crellin, and Karl De'Ath

Authors Note: Well, after the fantastic reaction of TOW Ross's Wedding pt III, I've really got into the swing of writing these scripts. This one follows on from my second script TOW Phoebe's Litter, episode three in my own little fantasy series if u like! If you wanna get the full enjoyment out of these scripts, you really have to start at the beginning of them, so my advice is if you haven't read my earlier ones, then do so before starting this. But just to quickly re-cap, Ross married Rachel in a last minute switch, and are looking for a new apartment together. Chandler and Monica are now together, although Monica is now scaring the pants off Chandler with her broodyness. Phoebe has had the kiddies, and Joey nearly performed a vasectomy (it's a long story......)

Well, on a serious note, I have to thank some great people who have gave me some real encouragement in writing these scripts. Sometimes (and every other fanfic writer can back me up on this...) you sit up until three a.m. sweating over these scripts, and you begin to question why you do it, for no pay, just for the hell of it. Great e-mails from people saying how much they loved your scripts, and how much they enjoyed reading them, is what keeps us all going, so if you loved it., just send a quick e-mail telling me so, and what you enjoyed about it. And hey, I could always do with some constructive criticism too... if ya hated it, tell me why and I'll try making the next one even better!!

Firstly, my Seattle E-Mail buddy, Marci Hunter deserves a special mention, for her support, abso-bleeping-loutley brilliant ideas, conversation and general steering in the right direction American Lingo wise! Miriam Crellin too deserves a big mention to for her support and feedback too!

Secondly, great mates and fellow pint drinkers, Karl De'Ath, Chris Brown, Paul Fenton, Oliver Gibbs, Tim Ebbs, Mark Crocker, in fact everyone who is in my CIS course at university, and was at my high school Hastingsbury ............... to all above I have many grovelling thanx!

(On a side point, I've written two scripts, about an hour of stuff, and Yet I still haven't written a scene in Central Perk! Hmmmm, I'm gonna have to write a scene too, people might think I've shut it down!)

Opening Teaser

(Open on Chandler's Office, Chandler at his desk, with his neck brace on from the last episode. He's trying to input numbers onto his computer, but is finding it tough since he can't look down, so is really looking down his nose at the screen. He tries raising the monitor. No effect. He tries leaning forward, still no effect. Cut to a shot of Chandler behind his desk. We see him try lowering the seat, but he end up disappearing under the desk, so now only his head is above it. Resigned to his fate, he just reaches up and starts typing, just then Ross comes in, giving Chandler a strange look.)

ROSS: Hey Chandler, you coming to ....(Seeing Chandler's head just peering over the desk).....The munchkin convention?

CHANDLER: Don't ask! Okay, just don't!

ROSS: When does the neck thing come off?

CHANDLER: Tomorrow. Hopefully. I'll be glad to get rid of it. I spent all morning walking about with my flies undone. Everyone thought it'd be HILARIOUS not to tell me! I only found out myself when the automatic doors opened and I felt an unusual breeze....

ROSS: (Obvoiusly too much information) O..Kay. How goes it with Mon?

CHANDLER: (Sighs) Not good. (Hands Ross a fax message)

ROSS: (Reading) Hey Sweetcheeks.......(Eyeing Chandler suspiciously) Sweetcheeks??

(Chandler shifts about uncomfortably)

ROSS: (Reading) Our new meat guy is called Marcus. What do you think of the name Marcus? No reason, just asking, It's not as if I'm thinking of babies or nothing. (Looks back to Chandler) Man, why don't you tell her you don't want kids? You have to sit her down and tell her that your not thinking of children yet!

CHANDLER: You think it'll work??

ROSS: (With a mocking grin) No, but it's worth a try!

(Chandler sighs and leans back to sit back on his seat, forgetting it is really low down. He falls back behind the desk and out of shot)


Scene 1 - Inside Monica's Apartment.

(Cut to Monica's apartment, Joey is there with her. Monica is flitting about like a mad thing, cleaning everything in sight even more than usual. Joey is sitting on the sofa, watching the television. He has a piece of cake, which he's slowly eating, his feet up on the table. Suddenly we see Monica lift Joey's legs, she cleans under them, puts a newspaper down to stop it getting dirty again.)

JOEY: Hey! Monica? Calm down! Phoebe isn't gonna mind a little mess.

MONICA: (Without stopping her cleaning) Phoebe's gonna be here any minute, she's just had three babies. I want this place SPOTLESS!!

JOEY: (With a mouthful of cake, as he says it crumbs go everywhere) Mon, you spent three hours vacuuming the balcony! This place is clean. Sit down and rest a little!

MONICA: (Seeing the crumbs) Crumbs, CRUMBS!! You say that to me while spitting CRUMBS! God, I'm gonna have to vacuum again!

(Cut to a shot of Joey enjoying his cake., after a couple of bites he stops, and looks up to see Monica hovering over him, hand inches from the plate that Joey is holding)

MONICA: You finished that yet?

(The door opens, Rachel comes in, with a couple of Bloomingdales bags, bustling in)

RACHEL: Phoeebs here yet?

JOEY: (Turning round with a mouthful of cake, spitting crumbs again) Nah, Ross is picking her up ...

MONICA: (Clutching her head, going mad) YAAAARGHHHH!!

(Monica stomps off into her room)

RACHEL: Oooo kay?? (Suddenly remembering what she has in her bag) Joooeyyyy! Guess what I got!

JOEY: COOL! Erm ....... (In his smoothie voice) Skimpy Underwear?

RACHEL: (Slightly annoyed) No!

JOEY: Ohhh... well I give up then!

RACHEL: Well..... (Rachel pulls out two candlesticks, shaped like hearts) I got these!!

JOEY: (Completely unimpressed) Wow, they're .......... Metal

RACHEL: They're sooo cute aren't they, I saw them on special, and just couldn't resist them! They'll look great in our new place!

JOEY: What new place, Rach? You haven't even looked yet!

RACHEL: I know, I know.....

JOEY: Well, don't you think you should!

RACHEL: We're looking ... I mean, I have to move out with Ross at sometime! We can't go on living in separate buildings..... We'd be living like my parents! Well, I'm staying at Ross's while Phoebe's here for a week or so, so we can start looking then....

(Suddenly, Monica comes bursting in from her room, cloth in one hand, bottle of Window cleaner in the other, close to tears)


(Rachel rushes up and gives Monica a hug)

RACHEL: Awwww Mon, I'm sure Phoeebs won't mind if the windows are a little smeary. It's the thought that counts!

MONICA: (Still slightly tearful) Okay....

RACHEL: Now you go back into your room and have a lie down, and when you wake up you can re-arrange the towels again!

MONICA: (Being led back into her room, still tearful) Okay.

RACHEL: (Comforting voice) There we go.....

(Monica and Rachel go into Monica's room. As they do, the phone rings, Joey picks up)

JOEY: Hello, Monica and Rachel's apartment ........ uh-huh, ........ yeah .........

(While Joey's doing this Rachel walks back in, shutting the door quietly, and starts speaking to Joey without looking at him)

RACHEL: Is it normal for someone to curl up and sleep with a Magic Mop? Joey ......

(Joey shushes Rachel with his hands, and continues talking on the phone)

JOEY: Yeah ........ Mmmm hmmm, yeah I get ya ........ yeah ........ I see yeah ..... Oh Right..... yeah .....

(As Joey is doing this, Rachel walks round in front of Joey, and waves her hands to grab his attention. She mouths 'Who is it?', but Joey waves her away way with his hand. Rachel persists.)

RACHEL: (Whispering) Who is it?

JOEY: Uh-huh ...... (to Rachel) Shhh! (points to the phone) I'm on the phone (tuts quietly at Rachel)....... Mmm Hmmm....

(Rachel throws her hands skywards, shrugs her shoulders, and begins to walk back to her room, just as she reaches her door, Joey calls out)

JOEY: (Talking into the phone) yeah I'll just get her ... (to Rachel) Rache, it's for you.

(Rachel turns round, annoyed. Struts up to Joey, takes the phone from him, and clips him over the head for being Joey!)

RACHEL: Helloo (sudden look of shock on her face) Daddy! ..... oh fine fine! Not much, things are pretty normal here ....... (looks uncomfortable) ... (cough) The Wedding?? Well, it was ... it was .....(looks at the wedding ring on her finger) different! Yes, I did go in the end ........ Yes, daddy, I suppose I'm a lot better off without Ross (pulls a face of panic to Joey, which completely confuses him) ..... what, tonight?? But ... but ..... No I haven't got a date daddy, .... But .... (visibly sighs) Okay daddy, I'll meet you there at 8:00. Okay Daddy, I'll see you tonite, bye daddy! (Turns to Joey) Oh my God.....

JOEY: Who was it?

(Rachel shoots him a look)

RACHEL: It was my father. He's in town, wants to go out to dinner tonite!

JOEY: Oh cool!

RACHEL: No Joey it's not 'cool'. My parents don't know what happened in London. My parents don't know that I have got married. And worst of all, the only thing my parents agree on is that Ross Geller is the root of all evil on this planet!!

JOEY: What? I thought they loved Ross.....

RACHEL: Well, I kinda told them some things, elaborated a bit ......

JOEY: Whoahh. So, what you going to do?

RACHEL: I don't know Joey, I just don't know.

(You hear the door open. We see Joey and Rachel both turn to look at the door. The camera cuts to the door, we see Chandler's head peer around it slowly with neckbrace still on, in his work suit, his eyes darting from left to right, checking Monica isn't there.)

CHANDLER: Coast clear?

RACHEL: Yeah, she's asleep.

CHANDLER: Thank God!

(Chandler comes into the apartment. He is holding a parcel)

RACHEL: What's the matter Chandler? I thought you and Mon were really getting somewhere...

CHANDLER: I know! We are, but since Phoebe's had the babies, she's become obsessed! I mean obsessed. She's turned from Monica into Crazy Baby Woman.

JOEY: Chandler, your overreacting...

(Chandler bends down meeting Joey eye to eye, his eyes disturbingly wide)


JOEY: Yeah .... Your making something big out of something ... (thinks) ... not big!

(Chandler's voice begins to waver and squeak now)

CHANDLER: Okay, How about this? I get a card from the parcel people today, saying I need to collect a small package from the depot. So down I go on my lunchbreak, collect the little parcel ..... can you guess who ordered it for me??

(Both Rachel and Joey lean away from the increasingly worrying Chandler)

RACHEL: (Worried) Erm .... Monica?

CHANDLER: Yes!! Monica, (slight pause) and can you GUESS what the parcel was??

RACHEL: Err ...

CHANDLER: How about (hitting the parcel) THE BIG (bang) BOOK (bang) OF BABIES (bang) NAMES (bang)!

(Chandler slumps into his seat, dejected)

CHANDLER: It's so hard Rache.... Every time I see her, I wanna (motions naughty things with his hands) ...... But kids, I can't rush into something like that...... I can't even look after my Tamagotchi...

RACHEL: What happened to that??

CHANDLER: I dunno, you put something down somewhere... I think it ran away to join a virtual circus....

(Rachel walks behind the couch Chandler is sitting on, tries to comfort Chandler by tapping him on the shoulder. Rachel can't reach them under the brace. In the end she gives up and just taps him on the head.)

RACHEL: Awwww Chandler!

CHANDLER: What am I gonna do Rach? I wanna be with Mon sooo much, but every time she mentions babies, I feel like my skin wants to peel off my body and hide somewhere!

JOEY: (Spitting crumbs all over Chandler) Don't worry man! It's a natural reaction!

CHANDLER: (Wiping the crumbs off his face, saying sarcasticly) Thanks man! I feel much better now!

(Joey grins, showing us the half chewed cake in his mouth, nodding in approval, the sarcasm totally lost on him)

(Cut to a shot of the door, in comes Ross, carrying a huge overnight bag.)

ROSS: Hey!! Guess who's back!

(Phoebe comes in, with a big grin on her face, obviously happy to see everyone, with a big (and I mean BIG) meat sandwich in one hand, she's got a little mayonaise on one side of her mouth, and a mouthful of sandwich)


(Everyone gets up and rushes to greet Phoebe, a big group hug. Joey comes up and hugs Phoebe, Phoebe wraps her hand round his shoulder, and Mayo dribbles out of her sandwich onto his shirt)

PHOEBE: Ohh, Sorry Joey.

JOEY: S'ok Phoebe. (Joey attempts to clean it up, but only succeeds in rubbing it into his shirt). Err How are ya?

PHOEBE: (Really Bubbly) Good! Really good! Something really cool happened, At the hospital reception, I got called madam instead of miss...

(Chandler, Ross, Joey and Rachel stare at her, waiting for an explaination...)

PHOEBE: Oh, I s'pose it wasn't that cool, but I thought it was at the time, anyway...... Where's Mon?

RACHEL: Oh she's having a lie down, she spent the last 18 hours cleaning the flat, making sure it was spotless for you....

PHOEBE: (Looking around) She didn't do a very good job.... There are crumbs everywhere....

(Phoebe walks past everyone, heading for the Fridge, past Joey looking very guilty. Phoebe puts a bag in the freezer, and turns round, still eating her huge sandwich)

PHOEBE: So, what's been going on here then? How's the neck Chandler?

CHANDLER: Oh fine fine. Doesn't hurt or anything, it's just tough finding roll neck sweaters that fit!

PHOEBE: Well, I'm sorry. I dunno what got into me.....

CHANDLER: The Devil?

PHOEBE: I can't wait to get back to normal. I wrote so many new songs while I was in hospital. I can't wait to get up performing again.

RACHEL: I know, Gunther found it hard to replace ya! He found some girl in the end....

PHOEBE: Oh, poor girl! She must have found it tough ......

RACHEL: (suddenly looking uncomfortable) Well, she made 200 dollars a night in tips, I think that made her feel better.

PHOEBE: Awwww that's so nice!! My crowd gave her extra to make her feel better! Remind me thank them with a new song....

(Everyone except Phoebe looks at eachother uncomfortably)

PHOEBE: I'm just gonna pop in and see Monica....

(Phoebe walks off towards Monica's Room, stopping at the window, looking out, and turning round to Ross, Rachel, Chandler and Joey)

PHOEBE: Hmmm, it's even good to see ugly naked guy! Even if he is hula hooping.....

(Everyone runs up to the window. The shot changes to a view outside the window looking in, with Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey and Chandler looking out. Everyone screws up their face in disgust, except Phoebe)

EVERYONE (except Phoebe): EWWWW!

(Phoebe goes off into Monica's Room. The shot changes back to inside the apartment, with the four standing by the window)

CHANDLER: Well, as fun as this is, I'm gonna have to get back to work. They don't like it if you just turn up when you feel like it!

RACHEL: Aren't you going to say goodbye to Monica?

CHANDLER: What in there? Monica, and Phoebe, talking about babies? (Starts laughing loudly, and continues laughing as he leaves)

RACHEL: What about you Joe. You staying to chat with Phoebe?

JOEY: Well, yeah, but seeing Phoebe's sandwich made me hungry, I'm gonna go get something to eat first!

(Joey goes to leave, Ross calls out before he exits)

ROSS: You might wanna change your shirt.

(Joey looks down onto the HUGE stain on his shirt, and leaves looking a little annoyed with Ross. Ross and Rachel are alone in the apartment, and they go all luvey-duvey with eachother...)

ROSS: (Turns round to see he's alone with Rachel) Hi Sweetie!

RACHEL: (Smiling broadly) Hi.....

(Ross and Rachel hug and kiss, they stay hugging while they chat)

ROSS: How was your day?

RACHEL: Ooooh, I dunno, Perfect in every way......

ROSS: Mmmm I know, same here! So, have you got all your stuff together to come over?

RACHEL: Yeah, I've got my bag ready....

ROSS: (A little surprised) Just one bag?

RACHEL: (Sexily, (in only a way JA can!)) Weeeell sweetie, I wasn't planning on wearing much.....

(Ross completely fails in fighting the broad smile that forms on his face)

ROSS: Oh I see, well that's fine then! (Suddenly remembering something) Oh, I just remembered, I've got these tickets for the Knicks tonite. I got them off someone at the museum, apparently he's gotta go to some family event, and they couldn't postpone the burial at such short notice, so he gave them to me! (Rachel begins looking uncomfortable) I thought we could go to that, maybe grab a little late dinner ...... (noticing Rachel's discomfort) What's wrong?

RACHEL: Well, that's kinda what I had to talk to you about...... I've already made plans for dinner...

ROSS: (Slightly confused) With who?

RACHEL: Erm ...... (cough) my Father.

(Ross stops hugging Rachel and takes a step back in disbelief)

ROSS: Your ... your ... your father?? Does he know about (points at himself and Rachel) ... well, us?

RACHEL: I haven't had a chance to tell him! I haven't seen him since we got back! He just suddenly phoned up earlier, he's in town and he wants to have dinner.

ROSS: Why didn't you tell him over the phone?

RACHEL: (Annoyed) Yeah Ross, that's the sort of thing I'm gonna tell him over the phone!

ROSS: Why not?

RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry but I thought over the phone wouldn't be the best way to give him a BRAIN HAEMORRAGE! I mean, what would I say? 'Hey Daddy, guess what happened to ME in London?!'. It's not as if he hates you enough already ...... to him you're ' Fat Monica's Evil Wet-Headed Brother'

ROSS: Hates me?? HATES ME!! I thought we were cool, you know, the brunch and everything ...

RACHEL: Well, before you came to the brunch, I kinda asked him to be nice so you could both pretend to get along ...

ROSS: And really...

RACHEL: He mentioned something about ' ... rather being in the room with Charles Manson...'

ROSS: Well, it's (cough) it's alright, you're going to dinner with him tonite, you can tell him then! You can go off to dinner with him, break it to him gently, and I'll meet you back at my apartment! Well you gotta get ready so I'll see ya soon (kisses Rachel's cheek). Good Luck, Bye!

(Ross attempts to leave quickly, but Rachel grabs Ross's arm and pulls him back violently)

RACHEL: Oh no you don't! We're gonna tell him TOGETHER! I'm not doing this on my own!

ROSS: Rachel, he will RIP OUT MY HEART. I mean PHYSICALLY rip out my heart! He's a heart surgeon, he can do that!

RACHEL: Let me put it this way Ross ..... if you want me wearing anything less than three overcoats and old lady underwear tonite, you're coming with me!

(Ross opens his mouth, trying to think of an argument, but he cant, he heaves a big sigh of resignation)

ROSS: Okay, I'll come. But I'll think I'll buy something new to wear for the occasion.

RACHEL: Like what?

ROSS: I dunno, I was thinking something bullet-proof??

Scene 2 - In Monica's Apartment

(Four bars of music play, the Outside shot of the apartment building is shown, before coming back into Monica's apartment, a little later. Now it's just Phoebe in the apartment, she's sitting in the kitchen reading a magazine, and on the stove there is something boiling in a big pot. Cut to a shot of Joey coming in through the door)

JOEY: Hey Phoeebs! What ya doin'?

PHOEBE: Nothing much, just sitting about here bored. I'm trying to think of something to make myself. It's so good now I've had the babies, I don't have to eat flesh anymore! Yay!

JOEY: I KNOW, AND I CAN! Went to get something MEATY to eat. I've been looking forward to this for 6 months! I was STARVED!

PHOEBE: (Suddenly interested) What did ya get?

JOEY: Pizza.

(We notice that Phoebe is holding the sides of the magazine a little too tightly, and is crushing the pages...)

PHOEBE: What kind of Pizza?

(With every meaty topping, you see Phoebe moan with delight, imagining the taste of all those meaty treats on a pizza (For those of you under 18, I ain't gonna tell you what this is a parody of, When Harry Met Sally springs to mind!))

JOEY: Ham....

PHOEBE: Mmmmm...

JOEY: Beef,


JOEY: Pork....

PHOEBE: (Slightly higher pitched) Ohhh....

JOEY: .... Spicy Sausage....

(Phoebe throws her head back, her hands now throttling the magazine tightly)

PHOEBE: Ohhh yes!! Tell me more Joey, More!

JOEY: Salami...

PHOEBE: Mmmmmmm

JOEY: Pepperoni...

PHOEBE: Ohhh Pepperoni.....

JOEY: ..... Chicken ....

PHOEBE: (Higher Pitched) Yes!

JOEY: ..... Ohh yeah and Bratwurst!


(Phoebe throws her head back again, dragging her nails over the table. Taking a deep intake of breath)

JOEY: (With a grin) So, you like that huh??

(Phoebe takes in a few deep breaths, catching it again, she looks back towards Joey again)

PHOEBE: Mmmm ...... you know Joey you are a culinary GENIUS!

(Joey nods in agreement, and then notices the big pot of boiling water sitting on the stove, he gets up and walks over to it to have a look in)

JOEY: Hey, Phoeebs, what's in here? (Joey smells the pot). Mmmm smells good! (Joey dips his finger into the water and tastes it)

PHOEBE: (Still catching her breath) That's my placenta.

(Joey jumps back almost half a mile!)

JOEY: Yeeeeuuuughhh! Ewwww Ewww EW!

(You can almost see Joey's face go pea green. Joey feels sick)


PHOEBE: Well, I'm gonna eat it, it's a good source of Iron apparently! Joey ...... Joey??

(Too late, as soon as Phoebe said 'eat it', Joey's cheeks bulge wide, his eyes cross, and he sprints into the toilet to throw up! The camera stays on Phoebe, as she straightens her hair and finally catches her breath. Cut to a shot of the door, as Chandler comes into the apartment)

CHANDLER: Hey Phoebe, how are ya feeling?

PHOEBE: (Huskily) Ohh VERY good!

CHANDLER: Good! Do you know where Joey is?

PHOEBE: (Points behind her) In the toilet.

(Chandler walks up to the toilet, knocks on the door, and shouts to Joey)

CHANDLER: Hey Joe! I just bought some fresh pastrami, d'ya wanna sandwich or something?

JOEY: (V.O.) Euuuughhhhhh!

CHANDLER: (Confused) Ooo..kay.

(Chandler walks over to the table in front of Phoebe, and the camera then focuses on Phoebe's Face, as we see Chandler's arms busy making a sandwich. Chandler peels open the pastrami, Phoebe's eyes fixated on it intently.)

CHANDLER: You want some Phoebe?

PHOEBE: (Not taking her eyes off the pastrami) Well.... I decided that now I've had the babies, I don't have to eat animal flesh ...... (licks her lips) .... anymore. I mean, I feel really guilty eating the flesh of formally cute ani .... (Suddenly changing tack, pointing at Chandler's sandwich) Put more mayo on that! .... Animals, and I don't want any of their lives on my concious!

CHANDLER: (Takes a small bite of sandwich) Well, I bought the meat, their murders should be on my concoius really ....

PHOEBE: (Sighing) Thank God for that! (Phoebe takes a few slices of the pastrami, rolls them up and eats them). How goes it with Monica?

CHANDLER: Not good. I really wanna spend every waking moment with her, but every time the baby subject comes up.......(Noticing the pot boiling on the stove) Hey, what's that in the pot? (Takes a huge bite from his sandwich)

PHOEBE: Oh ... (looking round to the pot) ... my placenta!

(Chandler immediately stops chewing his mouthful of sandwich. He looks at the sandwich, then at the pot, then to the sandwich again, then to the pot, and finally on his sandwich, looking very ill)

PHOEBE: (Pointing to Chandler's sandwich) You gonna finish that?

(Chandler hands over the sandwich to Phoebe, looking almost green. Phoebe takes the sandwich off Chandler and takes a big bite)

Scene 3 - Int. Central Perk

(Four bars of music play, bringing the view from outside Central Perk, through the window. The camera then cuts to inside, the familiar view of the Friends Couch. Monica is sitting there enjoying a cup of coffee on her own, when we see through the door Ross and Rachel walk in, halfway though a discussion...)

RACHEL: No Ross, I'm not letting you wear a crash helmet when we meet him....

ROSS: Why not, we could tell him err ... we just rode here on my new motorbike or something....

RACHEL: Well first, My Father thinks anyone who rides a motorbike is brain-dead anyway, and second, I'm not gonna tell him we got married in London with you dressed as Evil Knieval!

ROSS: Hey Mon!


ROSS: What you doin' down here on your own? I thought Phoebe would be here...

MONICA: I know, I thought so too, but she said she was gonna cook something up for herself first. Something the hospital gave her. I couldn't stand the thought of the mess she'd be making, so I got out! She said she'd save me some anyway .... What's up with you two?

(The camera cuts to a shot across the sofa, like Monica's P.O.V. We see Rachel in the foreground, and Gunther behind the counter cleaning up cups and saucers, as soon as Rachel starts talking, we see Gunther look up and take notice.)

RACHEL: Well, while you were sleeping, I got a call from daddy. For some reason he's in the city tonite, and he would like to have dinner with me.

MONICA: So, what's the problem with that?

(We see behind Rachel that Gunther has now picked up all the cups and saucers, and is carrying them away on a tray.)

RACHEL: The problem is that Daddy doesn't know that I married Ross yet!

(On hearing the words 'married Ross' we see Gunther suddenly stumble and collapse, the cups going everywhere, a huge clatter of smashing saucers as he disappears under the counter. The camera cuts to a shot of Gunther's face as he peers over the counter to see everyone staring at him, in complete silence. Gunther's eyes dart about slightly while he thinks of an excuse)

GUNTHER: Damn floor! (He gets up), I'd better go get something to clean ......

(Gunther becomes lost for words and sprints out close to tears)

(Everyone turns back round and continues what they doing, a little stunned at what they saw)

RACHEL: Anyway......

MONICA: What's the problem Rache? He likes Ross right?

RACHEL: Well, he did! (Pause) Well, no he didn't ......

ROSS: What?!?

RACHEL: I'm sorry Ross ... It didn't ever matter what I said, or did, he just doesn't like you!

ROSS: And you want me to have dinner with the man, sit at the same table, and smile at him as I say 'Oh by the way, Dad, you owe us a wedding present!'. HE WILL MURDER ME! (Says slowly and correctly) He .. will .. store .. his .. cutlery .. in .. my .. head!

RACHEL: Well, it's not my fault. Ever since I 'mentioned' a certain incident with a certain (cough) xerox girl.....

(The obvoius panic shows on Ross's face)

ROSS: He err (cough, nervous laugh) he err .... (cough, then with a squeaky voice) .... Knows about that??

RACHEL: I was angry with you Ross, I needed to tell someone......

ROSS: ... and that's what confessionals are for!

RACHEL: (Getting defensive) Why should I have to confess about that ... I wasn't in the wrong....

ROSS: WE WERE ON A ...... oh what's the use!

(Ross goes to walk off, but Rachel grabs him and pulls him back)

RACHEL: ROSS! FOCUS! We have to do this, we can't sit and keep it a secret from him...

(Ross takes a huge sigh, and fives Rachel a little hug and kiss)

ROSS: Okay, I know I know... look, I'm gonna get a coffee, you want anything??

MONICA: Can you get me a scone or something??

RACHEL: Yeah, and I'll have one of those chocolate muffin thingies if they've still got 'em.

ROSS: Okay...

(Ross leaves, leaving Monica and Rachel alone...)

MONICA: Rachel... do you think .... Do you think Chandler's been avoiding me since we got back?

(Rachel squirms uncomfortably....)

RACHEL: Well, err. Well, no I don't think so, no ......

MONICA: Well, I dunno, it just seems that ever since we got back, he's been busy like ALL the time. He goes to work early, comes back late, and when he does he's too tired to go out, or do anything ....

RACHEL: Anything??

MONICA: (Stressing the point) y'know .... Any-thing!

RACHEL: Ahhh, anything ......

MONICA: We haven't done ... any-thing ... since we got back to London. In fact, the last time WAS on the way back from London! Y'know, we sneaked into one of the restrooms on the plane, and ......

(Rachel waves her hand vigorously, trying to stop Monica talking)

RACHEL: (Nervously Laughing) Whoaah, whoaahh. I don't need to know every little detail!

MONICA: Sorry... I don't mean to do it! It's just that whenever I start talking about Chandler now, I just get so carried away, y'know the way he makes me feel, how it feels when we're together, the way he touches me and ....

(Rachel starts waving her hands again, stopping Monica)

RACHEL: (Nervous Laughter again) Whoahh, look at that! You're doin' it again!

MONICA: Sorry!

RACHEL: Look, don't worry Mon! Things have been pretty strange since we got back ... with you and Chandler getting together, me and Ross getting married, Phoebe having the babies ..... give it a week or so, I'm sure everything will be fine!

MONICA: Yeah, I s'pose your right. I thought tonite since Chandler is always so tired, we'd just get a little popcorn ... a bottle of wine ... and a few films. You know, a quiet night in just the two of us...

RACHEL: Mmmmm very nice! ...... but what about Phoebe?

MONICA: Ohh ...

RACHEL: You can hardly give her ten bucks and send her off to the movies.

MONICA: Well, we'll just do ...... anything ...... in his place, Joey can keep Pheobe company in ours...

(Joey and Chandler walk in, looking the worse for wear, they walk up to the bar where Ross is ordering drinks, as they talk, the drinks and food appear from the waitress)


ROSS: Hey, where have ya been?

CHANDLER: Witnessing 'Cannibalism for the Insane'

(Ross looks at Chandler all confused)

ROSS: Riiight ... Do ya want a muffin or something??

(Cut to a shot of Joey staring at the muffins for a brief second, seeing his face crumple up before sprinting off to the toilet holding his mouth. Ross looks shocked, looking up and staring at Chandler for an explaination. Chandler screws his face up and waves away the muffins)

CHANDLER: Errr, I'll pass too......

ROSS: Hey, before I forget, I've got these tickets to the Knicks tonite. I can't go... You and Joey can have them if you want...

CHANDLER: Hey ... I'd love to, but ermm, I haven't spent much time with Monica since we got back, and I'm thinking I should really spend an evening with Monica. You know, we haven't had any quality time yet since we got back ... and we're at that really trying to start something stage ...

ROSS: How goes it with Monica and the whole 'baby' (motions with his hands) ...... thing.

CHANDLER: You know, I think I've been over-reacting about that. I've always known Monica has wanted a baby, and I s'pose deep down I'd like to have a little Bing running about the place at some point. I'm thinking that once all the excitement of the past few days wears off, we'll get back to being just a regular little couple. I'm gonna try not to panic with all this baby talk...

(Joey appears back from the toilet, and comes and stands behind Ross)

ROSS: Here's Monica's. Can you take it over for her?

CHANDLER: Sure. Why don't you give those tickets to Joey anyway.

(Chandler brings the drinks up to the sofa. As he puts Monica's drink on the table, Monica looks up to talk to him. Ross and Joey are discussing the tickets behind Chandler, obviously unheard)


CHANDLER: (Smiling) Hey ...

MONICA: How was your day?

CHANDLER: Oh, you know, okay. The world of Data Processing isn't what you call 'action packed'. Ohh, and thank you for the fax this afternoon, My secretary Susan says she loves you too ...

MONICA: I was thinking Chandler ... I thought we could have a quiet night, you know 'all-alone'. I've rented out a few videos, I thought we could watch them, a bottle of wine ...... candles ......

CHANDLER: Mmmmm sounds good! Sounds (looks up, faking thought) ... well, just about perfect. (Chandler looks down and pours his milk into his drink) What did ya rent?

MONICA: (Looking in her bag, fishing out the rented videos) Erm ... Look Who's Talking ...

(As soon as Chandler hears that, he suddenly shoots up with panic. Looking very silly with his neckbrace still on)

MONICA: ... Three Men and a Baby ... and erm ... Parenthood!

(There's a couple of seconds, Chandler's face a picture of panic, his eyes beginning to dart from side to side, obvoiusly thinking of a way to get out of it. Suddenly he jumps up)

CHANDLER: (Calling behind him, too loudly) What's that Joe? Okay, okay, we're going, we're going!! I'm sorry Mon, but I promised err ... Joey we'd go to the Knicks tonite, y'know with Ross's ticket. Maybe we could watch something later ... errr well we gotta go now, bye Mon.

(Chandler walks over to where Ross and Joey are, and snatches the tickets from Ross, just as he's going to hand them to Joey)

ROSS: (Under his breath) That was lame! I mean that was REALLY lame!

CHANDLER: (Under his breath) Hey, I was thinking on my feet there! (Too Loudly) Come on Joey!

(Chandler walks out, a little too briskly. Leaving Joey behind him. Joey looks about, confused. Finally he looks at Ross. Ross points his finger to the door)

ROSS: Basketball.

JOEY: (Finally Understanding) Ohhhh

(Joey scurries out of Central Perk after Chandler. Everyone looks at eachother, and the shot finishes on Monica, slumping back into her seat, realising that Chandler IS avoiding her)

Scene 4 - Inside Monica's Apartment

(Cut to an exterior shot of Monica's apartment. Four bars of music play, and the picture fades in from the exterior of the building to the inside of the apartment. The camera is on the door just as Monica comes storming in, stomping her feet, really angry.)

MONICA: I don't believe that! I can't believe he's avoiding me!!

RACHEL: Monica! Hang on!!

(Monica opens the door wide, and slams it behind her fast. As the door slams behind her, Rachel stops talking suddenly. There's a couple of seconds pause, and then there is a couple of knocks at the door. Monica sighs and opens it again, to reveal Rachel clutching her nose)


MONICA: Ohh sorry. It's just .... I mean I'm ......(shrugs her shoulders) sorry!

RACHEL: It's okay ... It's not as if tonite could possibly GO any worse ...

MONICA: Ohh, sorry I forgot! When are you meeting your dad?

(Rachel looks at her watch)

RACHEL: Oh no!! In an hour!! (Rachel's voice begins to wine as she gets stressed) Owww, I'm not looking forward to this ..... It's bad enough I didn't turn up to the one wedding I invited him to ... look, I've really gotta go, I've just gotta get a pair of shoes ...

MONICA: Erm, be quiet Rache, I think Phoebe was gonna take a nap, she might be asleep in there ...

(Rachel goes over to her room, opens the door and goes in. The camera cuts back to Monica, who goes to the fridge, and opens it to get herself a drink of something. Halfway through getting something, she stops)

MONICA: Err Rachel...

(Rachel comes back out of her room, with her shoes in hand)


MONICA: What the hell is this?

(Rachel comes round the kitchen table and looks over Monica and into the fridge, which is unseen to us. They both stick their heads into the fridge and argue over what 'it' is...)

RACHEL: What the hell's what?

MONICA: This, on the plate in here.

RACHEL: Its ...... it's ...... something ...

MONICA: I haven't seen anything like it ... it looks kind of meaty, but that's no meat I know of ...

RACHEL: Kinda looks like chicken ......

(A couple of seconds pause ... Monica and Rachel still keep their heads in the fridge)

MONICA: Taste it!


MONICA: Come on, you said it looks like chicken ...

RACHEL: Yeah, looks like! And in the right light dog crap kinda looks like chocolate!

MONICA: It looks okay ... I'm sure it'll taste okay ...

RACHEL: You taste it then!

MONICA: Pah haa!! Don't think so!

RACHEL: Why not? You like squid and it kinda ... looks like ... squid! Just close you're eyes and pretend it's a big juicy steak!

MONICA: Speaking of which ... Where the hell have those steaks gone!

RACHEL: What steaks?

MONICA: Those huge chunks of meat I got for Phoebe. Y'know, she's still on that whole meat kick ...

RACHEL: Well, maybe she's already eaten it.

MONICA: How could she, it was practically a whole cow!! Hang on a second, mind your head ....

(Monica looks into the freezer, rummaging about in both the fridge and freezer)

MONICA: I don't believe it!! She has eaten every bit of meat I have! What is she, a puma?

RACHEL: Hey, look I really gotta go, Wish me good luck.

MONICA: Okay, Good luck. Tell Ross if he needs it I have a kidney to spare.

(Rachel laughs)

RACHEL: Okay, if you don't hear from us by 10:30, you'll find us in the E.R. !

(Rachel leaves. Monica goes back headfirst into the fridge, taking another look at the mystery meat. (We all know what it is...) After a pause of a couple of seconds, she speaks.)

MONICA: (To herself) What the hell is it??

PHOEBE: What's what??

(Monica screams with shock, jumping up and banging her head on the top of the fridge hard. Phoebe obviously sneaked in while Monica was head first in the fridge. Monica pulls her head out of the fridge again and composes herself before addressing Phoebe)

MONICA: (Pointing into the fridge) What's that??

PHOEBE: What? (Looks into the fridge) Oh that. That's my placenta ...


PHOEBE: What you getting all squirly about? It's only my placenta, it's just like a little bit of me ...

MONICA: YEAH, but I don't expect little bits of you sliced up and stored in my ice box!!!

PHOEBE: Okay ... throw it out then ... I'm not gonna get it anyway. I cooked it earlier but I tried a bit and I don't taste good!

(Monica takes the plate out of the fridge, obviously at arms length, and chucks the whole lot, plate and all, into the bin. Monica goes to the sofa, and then sits down, leaning back and giving a huge sigh.)

PHOEBE: What's wrong?? Your aura is all over the place ...

MONICA: Ohhh. It's Chandler. He's avoiding me. Every time I try and get him alone, he always cooks up some excuse ......

PHOEBE: Awwwww Mon ......

MONICA: D'you think he's going off me already?? D'you think what we had was only a holiday thing? D'you think he just saw me as something to do on the plane!

PHOEBE: No! It's not just a holiday thing! You two have been so right for eachother ever since ...... well, ever since! You should see the way Chandler looks at you, it's almost sickening. It's just Chandler being Chandler. He's just running away 'cause he's scared how he feels for you.

MONICA: Y'think?

PHOEBE: Totally! It was like one time, I must have been like 19. Well I met this guy down at my first masseuse conference. I was competing in the freestyle mixed doubles massage finals, and my regular partner had pulled out 'cause he'd pulled his thumb on a tricky neck-rub that morning ...

(We briefly cut from Phoebe to see Monica suddenly forget her problems and fix Phoebe with a totally bermused expression)

PHOEBE: ... anyway, this guy offered to stand in for him. Brian his name was ... Anyway, we were going through the compulsory section, our hands met over the small of this guys back. It was like ... y'know, instant sexual tension, real electricity. As soon as he felt that, he got scared and tried to run away from it ...

MONICA: What did ya do?

PHOEBE: Well, I was lucky. He only had one leg so he didn't get far ......

(Monica gives Phoebe a look, as if to say 'No seriously ... ')

PHOEBE: Ohhh. Y'mean about the relationship. Well, I made sure he couldn't run away from me. I sneaked into his room while he was out, I made sure we were forced to spend loads of time alone together, I hid his spare prosthesis ...

MONICA: And how is this helping me?

PHOEBE: Well duh! Why don't you sneak into Chandler's apartment, all dressed up, and (putting on a very bad Brando by pushing two chunks of meat into her mouth) ... Make him an offer he can't refuse ...

(Monica thinks about it, and you can tell by her face she finds it a better and better idea the more she thinks about it.)

MONICA: Yeah ... we've got that spare key to their apartment haven't we! I can get in, and wait for him to come back and ......

PHOEBE: Oh yay! What ya gonna wear?

MONICA: Weeeelll, I've got that fake fur coat I got from that garage sale, and I'll put on my really high heels ...

PHOEBE: So, you'll be wearing a fake fur, high heels and ......

(They are both silent for a couple of seconds)

MONICA: A BIG smile!

Scene 5 - The Resturant

(Four bars of music play, the scene merges over to a scene outside the resturant. Ross and Rachel are walking towards the door, and across the window. Ross looks into the window, and we get a quick cut of Mr Green sitting at the table, arguing with one of the waiters about the state of the cutlery, waving a fork about.)

ROSS: Ohh my God! He's mad, he's REALLY mad!! Can't we just send him a note and go now?

(Rachel lifts up her left hand, pointing at Ross)

RACHEL: I am NOT doing this alone! Your coming in if I have to drag you in by your ear!

(They both take another few steps, all of a sudden, Ross shoots up with panic, suddenly realising something)

ROSS: THE RING! Your wearing the ring! Wedding Ring! If your dad sees ...... you wearing the ... he'll know! Take it off! Take it off!

RACHEL: Okay, okay Ross ...

(Rachel pulls at her finger, trying to get the ring off, but it won't budge. She pulls at her finger again. Again nothing. Rachel really strains trying to take the ring off, gritting her teeth)

ROSS: What's ... what's ... what's the matter?

RACHEL: (Still straining) It ... won't ... come ... off!

ROSS: Pull Harder!

RACHEL: I am pulling hard! It's stuck!!

ROSS: Let me try!

(Ross trys to pull the ring off, trying progressivly harder and harder)

RACHEL: (Through Gritted teeth) God! Why does your family have to have such tiny, bony fingers!!

(The shot changes to inside the Resturant with the two people sitting by the small table for two, eating their dinners. Their attention is taken by Ross and Rachel having this strange tug of war outside the window, and both stop what their doing and stare at Ross and Rachel pulling at eachother. Ross and Rachel notice them staring and stop dead in mid pull. The ring still firmly stuck. They both shuffle into the resturant, trying to act dignified despite the two diners staring at them as if they are strange! Rachel asks the head waiter standing behind the lecturn)

RACHEL: There's a ... erm ... table for Dr. Green?

HEAD WAITER: Just over here madam.

(The head waiter leads Rachel over to the table where Dr. Green is sitting. Dr. Green is shouting at one of the waiters, the waiter looking absolutely terrified of him. Dr Green is waving a fork about wildly)

DR. GREEN: ... is this a clean fork? Does this look the remotest LIKE a clean fork? Do you have ANYONE back there who can clean? Are you all stupid as well as blind!!? Go and bring me a CLEAN one!

WAITER: Err, Right away sir ...

(The waiter shuffles off quickly, taking the fork away, leaving Rachel standing there. Behind her is Ross, with a wide eyed panic in his eyes. He tries to leave, but without turning her back, Rachel grabs Ross and pulls him back. Dr. Green sees Rachel and gets up to give her a hug)

DR. GREEN: Hey! Hello sweetie ...... how are you?

(Dr. Green hugs Rachel tightly. Then the shot changes slightly, we can see Dr Greens face, as his eyes look up and sees Ross there. His frown is obvious. Ross senses this, and offers out his hand for a handshake.)

ROSS: (Cough) Dr. Green

(Dr. Green blanks Ross completely, and turns and sits down. Rachel sits too, between Ross and Dr. Green, much like the first time they had dinner together. Dr Green doesn't look up as he says...)

DR. GREEN: (Without looking up) And what is HE doing here?

RACHEL: Erm ... he's erm ... just here (cough). He just wanted to come along ...

DR. GREEN: What, that ... (as if to remember her name) ... Emily not feeding him? Or has she just come to her senses and gone back home to London?

ROSS: No ... she err ......

(Dr. Green finally looks up at Ross)

DR. GREEN: Oh by the way, nice hair. What'cha do, have it laminated?

(Ross visibly sighs, you can tell he knows it's gonna be a looooong night!)

Scene 6 - Corridor

(The corridor between Monica and Chandler's apartment. The 'creeping about' music begins to play (I can't think of a better way to describe it, but it plays when Phoebe is being followed by Ursula's stalker). Monica's apartment door opens, just far enough for her to stick her head through. She looks up the hall, and down it, before sneaking out fully, leaving the door open behind her. She is wearing a fake fur coat and high heels, hunching the coat over herself as if she's trying to hide. She sneaks up to Chandler's door, looking up and down the hall again, before pulling out a key and opening the door slowly, cringing with every creak. She then sneaks inside, leaving Chandler's door open too.

Scene 7 - Inside Chandler's Apartment

(Monica walks slowly through the kitchen, still looking about, trying to creep in.)

(We hear a loud DUCK QUACK)

(Monica nearly jumps out of her skin, in shock. She looks down, and the shot changes to a shot of the duck waddling about)

MONICA: (To Duck) What ya trying to do? Scare me to death? Shhhhhhh!

(Monica looks about again, making sure there's no-one about, before quickly sneaking into Chandler's room, still leaving both doors open)

Scene 8 - Inside Monica's Apartment

(The shot changes to Monica's apartment, with Phoebe looking all through Monica's drawers, inside Monica's Fridge, getting more and more worked up)

PHOEBE: Where is it, WHERE IS IT! I know that meat is hiding out somewhere!

(We see Phoebe's face, her eyes looking about wildly. She searches about again , slamming draws, and doors, rooting through Jars, finally realising that there's no meat left, she's eaten it all.)

PHOEBE: There hiding it from me! They're ALL hiding it from me! I know there's some nice juicy steak here somewhere!

(Phoebe roots about again, but again no joy)

PHOEBE: Dammit, Dammit, DAMMIT! Where's the phone??

(Phoebe rushes to the phone, picks it up and dials it wildly, she rocks from side to side as she puts it to her ear, murmering to herself....)

PHOEBE: (Muttering) Come on, come on ... (normal voice again, although WAY too fast) Hello?? Do you do burgers? ...... How big? ...... Do you do any larger than a pound? ...... Can't you just put two of those in one bun?? ...... Okay, okay, how long will it take to deliver ... (Almost shrieking) I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG! (Phoebe hangs up, looking at her hands that are beginning to shake) ...... Ohh my god! I'M BEGINNING TO SHAKE! I can't take this any longer, I NEED meat, where can I find ......

(SOUND EFFECT: Duck Quacks)

(Phoebe stops dead. Eyes wide. Phoebe slowly turns her head, the shot changes to one behind her, that shows a shot into the corridor, and into Chandler's apartment, where we can see the duck. The shrieks from Psycho play, and the camera slowly zooms onto the duck, and then onto Phoebe's face. Phoebe's eyes wide as she licks her lips.)

Scene 9 - Restaurant

(Four bars of music play, and the scene changes to the restaurant, Rachel and Ross are still there with Dr. Green, Dr. Green is talking still, eating while he does so, Rachel listening contently, Ross's face screwed up with annoyance, stabbing his dinner with a fork angrily. Obviously he's not having much fun at this meal.)

DR. GREEN: ... anyway, so I was in a rush, had to get to the hospital by ten, and there was this huge snarl up on the freeway. The police closed off the whole road, I was stuck at the front of this queue. This oil tanker had split, oil all over the road, it was a mess ... (Pointing at Ross). Kinda like his hair! (Dr Green laughs loudly, Rachel pretending to join in, Ross sighing. Dr. Green takes a bite of his dinner, chews it a little, then addresses Ross) so, still at the Library?

ROSS: (Sighs with resignation) Yes, I'm still at the library.

DR. GREEN: So, how was the wedding?

ROSS: (Obviously lying) Great, great! (cough) Couldn't have been greater!

DR. GREEN: No Xerox girls then?

ROSS: (Sighs) No, no. (Pausing slightly, then tries to make a joke) I couldn't find one in London anywhere!

(Ross looks at Dr Green. Dr Green gives him a stony look)

ROSS: (cough) Okay ...

DR. GREEN: (To Rachel) Back in a moment Sweetie.

(Dr Green wipes the crumbs from his mouth, stands up and walks off to the toilet. Ross waits until he goes, and turns to Rachel)

ROSS: (Fake laughter) Ha ha ha ha ha, (deadly serious) when are you gonna tell him?


ROSS: Oh come on Rachel, could tonite get any worse? He hasn't left me alone since I got in here! Over drinks we were told the evils of infidelity. Through the starters we got ... no correction, I got a fully detailed talk on why he feels sorry for women married to guys like me! My hair has been compared to an oil slick, black treacle, an explosion in a hair gel factory, and my personal favourite, an over-used toilet brush! I can't wait to hear what he's got planned for dessert! He's probably in the toilet now loading the shotgun personally!

RACHEL: Well, there just hasn't been a good time to tell him...

ROSS: Ohhh well, maybe you could have slipped it in after his promise to phone Emily and warn her what she was getting into!

RACHEL: Okay Ross! When he gets back we'll tell him!

DR. GREEN: Tell him what?

(Dr Green had sneaked back while we weren't looking)

RACHEL: Errr ... that ... errr, that tonite's special desert was baked alaska?

DR. GREEN: What were you going to tell me? Seriously ...

RACHEL: Ohhh God! You'd better sit down ...

(Dr. Green sits down, wondering what it could possibly be)

RACHEL: When ... when I went to see ... err, Ross in London, y'know, to see him get married, there was a slight, well, a slight problem ...

DR. GREEN: Problem?

ROSS: Problem?

RACHEL: Well, not really a problem, more like ...... a change in personnel ...

DR. GREEN: Change in Personnel? What do you mean?

RACHEL: (To Ross) Help me out here ...

ROSS: No, no, you're doing fine...

DR. GREEN: What are you trying to tell me??

ROSS: Okay, here's the thing ... (Ross silently counts to three, takes a really deep breath) Me and Rachel got married in London ... (Ross then flinches, waiting for the reaction)

DR. GREEN: (Completely confused) What???

RACHEL: (Pullling her hand above the table, showing Dr. Green the ring) It's true daddy, we got married, me and Ross instead of Ross and Emily ...

DR. GREEN: (Realising and reacting) WHAT!!!!!

ROSS: But ... the bright side if ya wanna see it is (Ross thinks a little, trying to think of a good side) ... well It's not like I'm a complete stranger...

DR. GREEN: (Now Shouting) No Rachel! There is no way I'm letting you stay married to this ... this ... wet-head! What were you thinking? After all the things you said ...

RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry daddy, but I love him!

DR. GREEN: (Shouting) I'm not letting you make this mistake. I'm going to get it anulled, whether you like it or not!

RACHEL: No Daddy, I don't want to! I love him and I want to be with him!

DR GREEN: (Stands up) I'm not listening to this ... if you wanna make this mistake, fine, but for as long as your married to him (pointing at Ross violently) YOU ARE NOT MY DAUGHTER! I'm going! As soon as you've come to your senses come find me and we'll talk about getting it anulled. I'm outta here, GOODBYE!

RACHEL: Daddy, No don't daddy, please be happy for me ... daddy ... daddy.... DADDY!

(Too late, Dr Green storms off ignoring everything Rachel says, he throws the money to pay for the meal at the head waiter, and storming out of the restaurant.)

RACHEL: Ohhhh God! (Beginning to cry) Ohhhh no ......

ROSS: (Seeing Rachel cry makes him VERY angry!) Right, that's it!

RACHEL: (High pitched, crying) No, Ross, don't, it's not worth it ... Ross ... ROSS!!!

(Again too late. Ross chases out of the restaurant after Dr. Green, Rachel crying wildly. Behind Rachel, a waiter appears)

WAITER: Would you like anything else madam?

RACHEL: (Still crying) Whiskey.

WAITER: Single, double?

RACHEL: Bottle!


Scene 10 - Outside the Restaurant

(The scene cuts to outside the Restaurant. Dr. Green is storming out, we see Ross running after him. Ross stops him outside the restaurant window, We can see Ross, and Dr Green, and also rachel sitting at the table, and all through this scene, she is given the bottle of whiskey from the waiter, and proceeds to seriously hit it while Ross and Dr. Green argue)

DR. GREEN: Say your piece Ross, then go ...

ROSS: (Angrily) Okay, what the hell are you doing?

DR. GREEN: What am I doing? WHAT AM I DOING? Stopping Rachel from making the biggest mistake of her life ... that's what?

ROSS: Why? What is it about me that you hate!

(Dr Green spins on his heels quickly, staring at Ross angrily)



(In this time, Rachel finished the first glass of whiskey, and is pouring her second...)

DR. GREEN: Barry was perfect for her! He was steady, reliable, respected, sensible ...

ROSS: Oh, and Barry sleeping with Mindy while engaged to Rachel (over pronouncing) AND ... sleeping with Rachel while engaged to Mindy doesn't dampen your opinion of him any ...

DR. GREEN: (Shocked) What??

ROSS: (Suddenly smiling) Oh, didn't know 'bout that huh?

DR. GREEN: Look, it doesn't matter, Barry is a caring, successful doctor who could have taken care of little Rachel ...

ROSS: Barry IS a cheating, low, dull, Boring ...

DR. GREEN: (interrupting) And tell me Ross, what are you ... like, a daredevil! Barry would have taken care of her ...

ROSS: What, and I won't??

DR. GREEN: Well, you couldn't the last time!

(Uneasy silence!)

(Meanwhile, Rachel has finished her second glass and pouring her third ...)

ROSS: Hey! That was a mistake ...

DR. GREEN: ... and how many more are you planning to make, Ross? How many times are you planning to break my daughter's heart? How many Xerox girls are there gonna be Ross?

ROSS: I married her! Of course there will be no more ... girls.

DR. GREEN: Can you promise me that?


DR. GREEN: No! No Ross, you can't! Look, I haven't got time to discuss this with you. Maybe Rachel will snap out of it ...

(Dr. Green goes to walk off, but Ross grabs his shoulder and spins him round, still with his hand on Dr. Green's shoulder)

(Rachel has finished the third, and is pouring a fourth, and you can see now it's beginning to affect her, the bottle is swaying about, dribbling whiskey onto the table...)

DR. GREEN: Your insurance better be paid up Ross ...

ROSS: (Angrily) Look, I don't CARE if you approve of our getting married, and frankly I don't CARE if you even LIKE ME! But if you know anything, ANYTHING about me, you should know I care for Rachel more than anything on this earth! I would literally break every .. single .. little .. bone in my body to make Rachel happy. Come here ...

(Ross begins to drag Dr Green back to the restaurant window. Dr Green pulls back slightly, but Ross persists)

ROSS: Come on ... Look ...

(Ross points into the Restaurant. The shot cuts to Rachel, crying her eyes out, with her fifth glass of whiskey)

ROSS: Look at that. She's crying. Because of you ...


ROSS: Yes you! She can't see her two parents at the same time, because they can't even be civil to eachother ... she has to plan her whole life to make sure she can keep you two apart! Is that fair on her? IS IT??

(Dr. Green lowers his head slightly)

ROSS: Me and Rachel are married now. I love her. Love her more than anything ... and I don't want her to have to arrange her life around me, you and Mrs Green. It's not fair on her. You may not like me, and hell, at the moment I don't like you, but I am prepared to be civil. Are you?

(We see a little smile form across Dr Green's face, and a little silent chuckle to himself)

ROSS: I just called you names. What ... what ... what's so funny?

DR. GREEN: You remind me of me, before I married Sandra.

ROSS: I thought you and Mrs Green were pretty much err, ... arranged?

DR. GREEN: Yeah, we were ... Sandy's Mum loved me, ...... her dad hated my guts!

ROSS: What?

DR GREEN: Yeah. He thought I was ... (stopping and chuckling to himself) ... irresposible. He thought I should have been a dentist. 'They will NEVER transplant a heart' he used to say ... 'work with something easier to move, like teeth!'. That was back in the 60's, and I used to wear alot of Brycreem back then ...

ROSS: What are you saying?

DR. GREEN: Okay Ross, I'll give you one chance ... (gesticulating at him) ... ONE! I'll try and bite my lip, and at least when Rachel is around I'll promise to be civil. But you do ANYTHING ...

ROSS: I will NEVER do anything to break her heart again, ........ dad.

(Dr Green turns round and Really GLARES at Ross)

ROSS: Err ...... I mean Dr Green.

DR GREEN: That's better, let's go finish dinner shall we?

ROSS: Okay ... You really used to wear Brylcreem in your hair?

DR GREEN: Well, not alot, I used what it said on the pot, but it always looked too much ...

(The scene cuts back to inside the restaurant, Rachel now propping her head up with her hand, holding her SEVENTH glass of whiskey, now a half empty bottle on the table...)

(Dr Green comes with Ross and sits down, looking a bit sheepish having to come into a place he just stormed out of)

DR. GREEN: Ummm, Rachel ......

(Rachel stands up, completly blasted, swaying rather worryingly. She proceeds to shout at the top of her voice, the whole restaurant turning round to watch this...)

RACHEL: Oh ook whoss here. DADDY! Thank you for coming back to humiliate me more, BUT - before you do. I'd just have one thing to say to you.

ROSS: (Trying to pull Rachel back down to her seat) Um - Rach...

RACHEL: (Almost drenching Ross in dribble) SHHHHHHHHH! Not now Ross, I got it sweetie. Now where was I , oh yea, Daddy. Who do YOU think you are to judge Ross, (high pitched squeak) Hum?

(Dr Green shifts about in his seat uncomfortablly)

RACHEL: You know, that whoooole speech thing you gave him, ALLLL the speaks you gave him, they make you a hip- hyp - hippp.

ROSS: (Correcting) Hypocrite.

RACHEL: (Shouting) HYPOCRITE! THAT'S IT! (Turning to Ross, trying to tap him on the shoulder but being completly drunk just ends up sticking her hand in his face) Thanks Sweetie! (Turning to Dr. Green) Y'see Daddy we're like (pointing to her head, and to Ross's quickly and drunkenly, then leaning over inches away from Dr Greens face, whispering) ... on the same wavelength!!

(Ross moves the bottle of whiskey away from Rachel)

DR GREEN: Rachel.. Are you drunk?

(Rachel motions to Dr Green towards her. Dr Green leans towards her, Rachel tries to whispers to him, but is still loud)

RACHEL: Yes daddy, I do believe I am. What, don't change the subject, which was ... (turning to Ross) Sweetie?

ROSS: Hypocrite!!

RACHEL: HYPOCRITE!! That's it!! Yeah ...

(The other dinners look at them)

RACHEL: Sorry, shhhh, sorry. Go on, eat, eat ... Any way, Remember when I told you about Ross, what am I saying , of course you remember that's the whole point of this..

DR. GREEN: Rachel you are babbling. Let Ross take you home.

RACHEL: NO! Not until I say this. (loooong pause) What was I saying?

ROSS: (Sighing, having to say this again) Hypocrite!

RACHEL: YES! (To Dr Green) Same wavelength, y'see! (Pausing, finally remembering, grabbing Dr Green's arm tightly, shaking it alot) A-Ha! YOU were not the only one I went crying to, I also talked to Mom. Guess what she told me?

DR GREEN: O.K. let go..

RACHEL: So Daddy, remember Tiffany? Mom does. And I'm sure you do.

(Dr. Green suddenly looks uncomfortable, Ross how ever leans back in his chair arms folded HUGE grin on his face, he's gonna enjoy this ...)

DR GREEN: Okay Rachel, let it go ...

ROSS: Oh no, no, no! (Fixing Dr Green with an evil stare) Do continue ......

RACHEL: Weeeeeeeell! Daddy here had a little thing with one of the Gynacologists at the General hospital ten years ago ... a little reproducer of his own! Tut tut tut (smacking Dr Green on the arm) naughty naughty doctor!

ROSS: You mean...

RACHEL: Yep! He guilty too... and, they WEREN'T on a break! So There! (Rachel blows a very loud raspberry!) I think, you owe Ross an apology!

DR GREEN: (Through VERY gritted teeth) I'm ... (swallowing hard, as if the words get lodged in his throat) ... sorry ... Ross!

ROSS: (Huge Grin) That's okay...

RACHEL: Okay! Now I've sorted that all out, I feel good, I feel better, and I feel very, very, drunk indeed! So if neither of you two mind, I'm going to pass out!!

(Rachel then rather unceremoniously passes out face down on the table. There's an uneasy silence, both Ross and Dr Green staring at the now unconcious Rachel, then Dr Green says ...)

DR GREEN: (Sigh) Just like her mother ...

(Unexpectedly, they both burst out laughing!)

Scene 11 - Interior Corridor

(A night shot of the apartment block, and four bars of music play, fading into the corridor. Joey and Chandler come up the stairs. Joey's got his Knicks cap and foam finger, and Chandler still has his neck brace on. Joey's all happy and smiling, Chandler looks annoyed)

JOEY: Ohh man! The seats were right on the floor!!

CHANDLER: Ohh yeah, would have been great if I could have SEEN any of it!

(Chandler motions at his neck brace)

CHANDLER: This damn thing! It's a curse! A curse I tell ya ...

(Chandler and Joey wander into Monica's flat. Phoebe is there in the kitchen, slicing up onions and pepper's and things. At the moment Joey and Chandler walk in, Phoebe is chopping an orange. Phoebe looks up and jumps as she sees them, and quickly shuts the oven door.)

PHOEBE: Uhh, (Hiding the knife in her hand behind her back) hey guys, how was the game?

CHANDLER: Oh, I heard it was great ...

(Phoebe carefully hides some of the ingredients that are on the table)

PHOEBE: Ohhhh ...

JOEY: (Seeing the huge Carving knife) What ya doing there?

PHOEBE: Uhhhh, (looking at the knife behind) chopping ... just chopping, nothing special ...

JOEY: What ya Making?

PHOEBE: Errr ..... sauce ......

JOEY: Ohh Cool! I love sauce! What kind?

PHOEBE: Errr ... (looking at the mishmash of ingredients there are on the table) ... I dunno, I'm improvising.

CHANDLER: With orange?

PHOEBE: Errr (looking down to the orange) ... yeah ...

CHANDLER: (Shifting back and forth on his feet, looking uncomforable) Is, err, Monica in?

PHOEBE: No, she's ... err ... out ...

(Phoebe flicks her head towards the door, obviously trying to point out where Monica is)

(Chandler Mimics the flicking)

CHANDLER: Err ... out?

PHOEBE: Y'know (Flicks head) Out!

(SOUND EFFECT: Duck Quack, muffled)

(Joey hears the quack and looks about)

JOEY: Hey, what was that?

(Phoebe looks paniced)

PHOEBE: Err ... (thinking) ... me! Y'know, I've always wanted to learn a language ...

CHANDLER: Wow, those Doctor Dolittle language tapes are really paying off!

PHOEBE: (Faking laughter) Har, har, har, har ......

(Phoebe brings the knife she has in her hand, down really HARD onto the onion that's on the chopping board, making a loud bang, making Chandler flinch!)

JOEY: (Pointing to the door) Hey, I'm gonna grab a shower ...

PHOEBE: NO!!!! ......

(Both Chandler and Joey look at Phoebe in a 'She's really lost it this time!' kinda way ...)

PHOEBE: I mean, ... ... err ... (Changing tack) Chandler, don't YOU feel like a shower?

CHANDLER: (Confused and worried by Phoebe's behaviour) Well, yeah ... but I'll wait for Joey to finish ... People might get the wrong idea if I get in with him ... ...

(Joey turns and walks out)

PHOEBE: (Trying to stop Joey) No, no, no ...

Scene 12 - Inside Chandler's Apartment

(Monica is lying down on one of the leather chairs, the fur coat wrapped around her, idly flicking through a magazine, obviously bored. She looks over to the clock in the kitchen, drumming her fingers. Suddenly, we hear a key going into the lock. Monica runs over to the far wall, turning off the lights, running back, managing to kick the leather chair on the way back, stubbing her toe. She limps over to behind the kitchen top. The door opens wide, Joey turns the light on. The camera cuts to a shot on the door, looking from behind the kitchen top. Monica stands up facing the camera, her back to Joey, her fake fur coat wrapped round her ...)

MONICA: Hi, looking for someone sweetcheeks ...

(Monica closes her eyes, spins round to face what she thinks is Chandler, opening the coat, revealing to Joey the fact she has nothing on under it ... We can see Joey's face in the shot. He instantly grins, nodding his head, enjoying what he sees ...)

JOEY: Ohh My!!

(Realising that it's Joey there and not Chandler, She instantly shuts her coat)


JOEY: What?? Hey that's not fair, I didn't see everything!!


JOEY: Oh, He's talking with Phoebe ...

(Suddenly, Chandler bursts in, but obviously too late)

CHANDLER: Ohh, hey, err ...... Phoebe just told me ... (Seeing Monica's stare) ... Sorry!

(Monica points at Chandler)

MONICA: YOU ... were meant to be HERE! And YOU (pointing at Joey) ... were not!! I get un-dressed up all special for you, and the only one who gets a thrill is Joey (pointing at Joey, who is still staring at Monica's breasts, or at least where they would have been!) ... ... Hey Joe, stop staring!

JOEY: (Snapping out of it) Ohh, sorry

(Joey walks into the apartment, Chandler walks up to Monica, giving her a hug)

CHANDLER: Look, I'm sorry ...... about everything, not just tonite. I'm sorry I've been trying to avoid you ...

MONICA: ... and I'm sorry I'm being so baby obsessed all of a sudden ... but my biological clock has gone into overdrive, and with Phoebe having the babies ... I've just been feeling a little left out!

CHANDLER: It's okay. Can we have another go at being a couple?

MONICA: Okay, but we'll wait for you to get that thing off first ... Ohh, and you'd better throw away your condoms ....


MONICA: They had a little ... err ... accident with a needle ...

(Joey, meantime has been looking about the apartment, opening all the cupboards, under the chairs, in the fridge. He appears to have lost something....)

CHANDLER: Sorry Joe, there aren't any more women hiding, Monica was the only one ...

JOEY: Hey Chandler, have you seen the duck? I can't find her in the apartment ...

CHANDLER: Look in all the cupboards ...

JOEY: I have! I've looked everywhere! Mon, you seen her?

MONICA: Last time I saw her was when I was sneaking in here, after that I didn't see a single feather ...

CHANDLER: Well she must be ...

(A sudden flash of a picture of the oven appears. Cutting back to a picture of Chandler's face, stopped in mid sentance)

JOEY: Must be?

(Another flash. An image of Phoebe's hands cutting an orange, then an image of the oven, and an image of Phoebe's Face... back to Chandler's face)

MONICA: Chandler??

CHANDLER: Oh my God!!

(Chandler turns his head, looking over across the corridor, seeing Phoebe standing in the doorway, a panicked look on her face. Suddenly the whole scene goes into slow motion ... Chandler stops hugging Monica and makes a sprint for the door)

CHANDLER: (A low slow-motion growl) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo................

(Chandler makes a break for the door. Phoebe sees this and still in the slow-motion we see Phoebe slam the door and locks it. The film speeds up again, and we see Chandler slam into the door, beating against it with his hands.)


PHOEBE: (V.O. Through the door) NO!!


MONICA: Chandler? What's going on??

CHANDLER: (Babbling fast) Phoebe's got the ... Phoebe's taken my ... She's kidnapped the ... (Takes a couple of breaths) PHOEBE'S GONNA COOK MY DUCK!!

(Joey jumps back, covering his mouth in shock, before also running up to the door)



(Both Chandler and Joey jump away from the door in unison)

CHANDLER: Okay, okay (saying it in a calming soothing tone) ... we're stepping away from the door ...


CHANDLER: Okay, slowly ... what do you want ...

PHOEBE: Okay ... If you don't want your precious duck roasted and served up for me in a delicate orange sauce, you'd better follow my demands ...

(Chandler and Joey can't hear what she's saying, they are too far away from the door)


PHOEBE: I SAID, If you don't want your precious duck roasted and served up for me in a delicate orange sauce, you'd better follow my demands ...

JOEY: Err ... Nope, can't hear a thing ...

PHOEBE: (Sighs) Okay, come closer to the door ...

(Chandler and Joey sneak up to the door again)


(Chandler and Joey stop dead in their tracks ...)

PHOEBE: (Audibly annoyed having to say it for the third time) I said, If you don't want your precious duck roasted and served up for me in a delicate orange sauce, you'd better follow my demands ...

CHANDLER: Okay, what are they??



PHOEBE: Meat! Loads of it! Pork, Beef, Chicken, Steak, plenty of it!

JOEY: What?? How can we possibly get meat at (Joey looks at his watch, a pause, and then turn to Chandler whispering) Hey, what time is it, my watch stopped?

(Chandler sighs and shows Joey his watch)

JOEY: (To Phoebe) At ten thirty!!

PHOEBE: That's not my problem ... (As if reading from a book) Mmmm Roast duck, marinated in a delicate Orange and Coriander sauce. First, take a duck and pluck it, remembering to take out the giblets ...

CHANDLER: OKAY, OKAY! Just stop! We'll get you meat, just give us some time okay?

PHOEBE: Okay, but no funny business, or I start basting!!

Scene 13 - Inside Chandler's Apartment

(Four bars of music play, and the scene fades from the previous one to inside Chandler's apartment. Chandler is on the phone, talking with someone ... Joey is sitting cross-legged on his chair, rocking back and forward uneasily, Monica is sitting on a stool, really huddled up, obviously uncomfortable in her fake fur coat and heels)

CHANDLER: Yeah, yeah, do you sell meat? ... (pulls a face, annoyed on the person on the other side) ... MEAT MEAT, y'know that stuff that used to be animals! ... Yeah, how much you got? ... ... How much per pound? ... (Jumping up shocked) HOW MUCH! ... ... No no no no no no I'll buy, I'll buy ... ... When can you deliver?? I can't wait that long!!! I need it in the next hour ... hello? HELLO?? DAMN!!

MONICA: What??

CHANDLER: That was the last one! We can't get so much as a chicken wing tonite!

JOEY: (Muttering to himself) It's all my fault ...


JOEY: I've been busy ... what with the babies, and London, I just didn't pay enough attention ...

CHANDLER: (Comforting) Hey! We're not to blame here! It's Phoebe, she's the one that's taken our duck ...

JOEY: But maybe if we'd been around more. Been more understanding ... but now we might never ... (begins to snivel)

CHANDLER: (Swallowing hard, trying to be strong) Don't worry, Joey. We'll see her again, I promise!

JOEY: (Beginning to break down) I always told her to say no to strangers ...

CHANDLER: (Tapping Joey on the shoulder) Don't worry, we're gonna get her back, man!

(Joey nods, covering his face to hide his weeping)

MONICA: (Monica is cold, and feeling pretty uncaring) Hey! What's the problem? You can always get another duck ...

(Chandler and Joey both shoot Monica an Evil look!)

CHANDLER: HOW ... CAN ... YOU ... SAY ... THAT!?!?!

JOEY: Have you ... (pause, biting his lip) ... Have you ... told Yasmine.

CHANDLER: Err, no ... I thought it would be best if we didn't tell her ... She'd only worry ...

(Suddenly, we see the chick walk into the bathroom quickly, then walk back quickly, as if the chick was pacing)

JOEY: She knows something's wrong ...

(The Phone rings suddenly, making all three of them jump! Both Joey and Monica look at Chandler. Chandler slowly walks up to phone, his hand shaking, Chandler picks it up and puts it to his ear slowly)

CHANDLER: (Shakily) Hello??

(The scene now cuts from Phoebe to Chandler and back as each one talks. In the background where Phoebe is, the duck is sitting in a roasting pan surrounded by chopped vegetables. In the other scene with Chandler, Monica and Joey are also crowded by the phone, hearing what Phoebe says)

(Cut to Phoebe)

PHOEBE: (Calmly) You got the meat?

(Cut to Chandler)

CHANDLER: Errr ... no ...

(Cut to Phoebe)

PHOEBE: Okay ... Now where's that aluminium foil ...

(Cut to Chandler)

CHANDLER: WAIT, WAIT!! We're getting it soon ... we promise. Okay ... just don't ... do anything hasty. How is she??

(Cut to Phoebe)

PHOEBE: Fine ... for now ...

(Cut to Chandler)

CHANDLER: Please, let me speak to her ...

(Cut to Phoebe)

PHOEBE: No ...

(Cut to Chandler)

CHANDLER: PLEASE ... let me speak to the duck ...

JOEY: (Whispering) That's good, keep her talking ...

CHANDLER: (Pulling the Phone away from his ear) What ... why??

JOEY: So we can trace the call!!

(Chandler looks at Joey in utter disbelief, muttering to himself)

(Cut to Phoebe)

PHOEBE: Okay... here

(Phoebe holds the phone towards the duck, the mouthpiece near the duck's beak ...)

(Cut to Chandler again, holding the phone so he and Joey can hear)

CHANDLER: Are you okay???

(SOUND EFFECT: Duck Quack through phone.)

(Both Chandler and Joey begin to well up!)

CHANDLER: Don't worry, we'll come get you soon, I promise ...

PHOEBE: (V.O. through Phone) Okay that's it. I'm getting hungry. You've got an hour okay? One hour or you'll have a Duck Buffey in more ways than one ...

(We hear the phone hang up)

(Chandler, Joey, and Monica exchange worried looks ...)

Scene 14 - Corridor

(Four bars of music play, and the night outside shot of the apartment building shows. The scene fades into the scene of the corridor between the two apartments. We can hear someone coming up the stairs slowly, it's Ross and Rachel)

ROSS: (V.O.) How much of that whiskey did you drink?

RACHEL: (V.O. Still blasted) Ohhhhh, seven .... eight glasses .....

(We see Ross at the top of the stairs, he is carrying Rachel)

ROSS: You think you can walk now?

RACHEL: Yeahhh, yeah ....

(Ross lowers Rachel onto her feet, and they immediatly give way)

RACHEL: Ohh no, no I can't! (Begins to giggle)

(Ross picks her up again and carries her)

ROSS: You know you shouldn't drink that much!

RACHEL: Awwwwww! (tapping Ross on the top of the head lightly) You're such a worrier! That's soooo cute!

(Ross turns round towards Monica's door, and as he does we see Rachel look at the hand she tapped Ross on the head with, pulling a face and drunkenly wiping it on the back of his jacket. Ross knocks on the door)


ROSS: Ooo ... kay

(Ross turns round, walking towards Chandler's door, we see Rachel stick her tongue out at Monica's door drunkenly. Ross knocks at Chandler's door. The door doesn't open. Chandler shouts through the door)

CHANDLER: Who is it??

ROSS: Ross.

(There's a pause ...)

ROSS: Hey can you open the door, my arms are about to rip out their sockets!

(The door opens, and Ross walks in, carrying Rachel)

Scene 15 - Inside Chandler's Apartment

(Cut to the shot inside Chandler's apartment, and we see Ross walk into the apartment carrying Rachel. Monica sees Rachel being carried and gets up shocked)

MONICA: Ross, what happened?

ROSS: Rachel ... Rachel's Father ... a bottle of burbon ...


ROSS: Rachel's drunk ...

RACHEL: (Drunkenly) I'm not drunk! I'm verrry, verrry, verrrry happy!

(Ross carries her across the room, and kicks the side of one of the recliners, it reclines back with a jump and Ross lays Rachel on it. Ross looks up, seeing Monica dressed in her fake fur)

ROSS: How many teddy bears did ya kill to make that?

(Monica pulls a face of sarcastic laughter. Ross sees the worried looks on the faces of Chandler and Joey)

ROSS: What's happening guys?

CHANDLER: Phoebe's kidnapped our duck and she's gonna cook her!!

ROSS: What??

JOEY: She's gone crazy! Meat crazy man! She says if she don't get meat (looks at his watch, a sudden look of panic on his face) in the next 40 minutes!! She'll cook our duck!!

ROSS: WHAT?? Have you tried getting meat?

CHANDLER: We Can't! We've phoned everywhere!! There's no-where to get that's kinda meat at this time!

ROSS: So what ya gonna do?

JOEY: We were kinda hoping you'd have an idea ...

ROSS: Errrr .... I may have ...

Scene 16 - Inside Chandler's Apartment

(A little later, we zoom out of a close up of a whiteboard, seeing that Ross has drawn a map of Monica's apartment. He's really gone overboard, he's even got a pointy stick! Everyone is sat round, listening, except Rachel who is still drunk on the recliner.)

ROSS: Right, here's the plan. We'll point Rachel at the door, hopefully Phoebe will open the door and let Rachel in. (We see a shot of Rachel's hand half heartedly waved.) Once Phoeebs has let Rachel in, me and Monica will burst in, and (pointing at Chandler and Joey in turn) you and you will climb up the fire escape and burst in. Through the balcony window...

CHANDLER: One question ...

ROSS: ... I'm not finished, can you keep questions for the end please ...

(Chandler gives a knowing look to everyone else, as if to say "I think Ross has gone overboard")

Okay. Now, number one priority is to keep Phoebe (smacks the pointy stick onto a crude stickman with 'Phoebe' written above it), away from the Duck (smacking a crudely drawn duck with his stick). So me and Mon will go for Phoeebs, while you and Joey drag the duck away as soon as possible.

CHANDLER: Err ... Ross ...

ROSS: (annoyed) I haven't finished yet! (Chandler shakes his head) Okay, If the duck is in the Oven (smacks the pointy stick on a drawing of an oven), make sure you turn the oven off first, and also remember to use oven mits, we want as fewer casualties as possible. Okay, any questions?

CHANDLER: (muttering) Finally, (out loud) Ross, how are we meant to know when your bursting in? If we wait on the balcony Phoebe will .. see .. us!

ROSS: Good Question! We'll use two way radios ...

JOEY: Ross, we don't HAVE two-way radios!

ROSS: Monica ...

MONICA: (Pulling out a wrapped box, with a big bow) I bought a ... errr ... baby monitor.

(A shot of Chandler's shocked and worried face)

(Weakly) It was a present ... (trying to think of something to say) ... Surprise!

ROSS: Okay everyone lets go...

CHANDLER: Just one more thing Ross ... How long have you planned this?

ROSS: (Shyly) Errr, about six months ... (everyone looks at him in a kind of 'Why you wierdo!' kinda way) Hey! Do you want your duck back or not!

Scene 17 - Corridor

(Cut to a scene outside in the corridor, the 'creep about music' plays again. The shot keeps looking down the hall and doesn't change for the whole first part. First, we see Ross dart out of Chandler's apartment, before hiding on one side of the door, obviously out of view of the spyhole in Monica's door. Ross then motions to Monica, who comes bursting across, and hides at the other side of the door. Ross then picks up the baby monitor from his belt, and calls Chandler and Joey.

ROSS: Iron Duke? (crackle) Iron Duke? This is First Wave. Iron Duke?

CHANDLER: (V.O. Through Radio) First wave this is Iron Duke recieving.

ROSS: Are ... you ... in ... position ... Over?

CHANDLER: Nearly. Just got one more floor ...

ROSS: What ... about ... Joey ... Over?

CHANDLER: (V.O. Through Radio) He's nearly in positon too.

(Joey and Chandler start talking amongst themselves)

JOEY: (V.O. Through Radio) Hey!

CHANDLER: (V.O. Through Radio) What??

JOEY: (V.O. Through Radio) How come you get a cool name? I wanna cool name!

CHANDLER: (V.O. Through Radio) This isn't the ......

JOEY: (V.O. Through Radio) Something like 'Black Eagle' or 'Silver Fox', not just 'Joey'

CHANDLER: (V.O. Through Radio) Okay Joey ...

JOEY: (V.O. Through Radio) Not Joey! 'Black Eagle' ...

CHANDLER: (V.O. Through Radio) Okay, 'Black Eagle', better?

JOEY: (V.O. Through Radio) And when do I get a go on the baby monitor?

CHANDLER: (V.O. Through Radio) Leave it alone ...

JOEY: (V.O. Through Radio) No ... I wanna have a go on the baby monitor ...

CHANDLER: (V.O. Through Radio) Hey!! Be careful! We're out on the fire escape here ...

JOEY: (V.O. Through Radio) C'mon give it here ... let me have ...

CHANDLER: (V.O. Through Radio) HEY, Careful! You're gonna knock it out of my hands, HEY I'm gonna drop it if you're not .......

(A few moments of silence from the radio, then just a crackle. Obviously the radio is now on the sidewalk in pieces! Monica looks up at Ross and shrugs her shoulders. Ross sighs, and then motions to Rachel to come knock on the door. Rachel staggers up to the door giggling, still very drunk indeed! Rachel knocks on the door loudly)

PHOEBE: (V.O.) Go Away!

RACHEL: Hey Pheeeeebs, it's me!


RACHEL: Rachel! Me Rachel ... let me in ...

(There is a short pause)


RACHEL: (Whispering) I hear you have the duck ...

PHOEBE: Errrr maybe? Why?

(Rachel looks up and down the corridor drunkenly before whispering at the door)

RACHEL: I wanna piece!

(We hear the lock turn chain come off, and then Phoebe opens the door slowly)

PHOEBE: Come in ... quickly ...

(Suddenly Ross and Monica jump out from either side suddenly)

ROSS: GO! GO! GO! GO! ......

(The scene suddenly changes into slow motion. We hear all the sound from the scene, but slowed down. Phoebe jumps back away from the charging Ross and Monica, faces all contorted. Phoebe runs to the kitchen table and grabs the duck off of the roasting pan, and runs towards the balcony, only to find Chandler and Joey climbing into the apartment. Phoebe panics now, and runs back the other way towards Ross, blocking her way, but manages to body check Ross out of the way, smacking Ross in the face hard, making Ross reel back. Phoebe runs into the living area, near Rachel's door but she is blocked off, by Joey who had run round. Pretty soon, she is surrounded by all four of the sober cast (Rachel managing to fall over the sofa in the scuffle. Things go back to normal speed)

ROSS: We've got you surrounded Phoebe! There's no-where to run!


(Phoebe throws the Duck high into the air and runs fast in the other direction, the camera cuts to a shot of Chandler's face, a picture of panic. The scene cuts back to Phoebe, who gets caught by Monica and Ross, and as they struggle, they all turn and watch the duck high in the air. The scene cuts back to Chandler, who sprints across the room (in slo-mo) catching the duck in mid leap, cushioning the fall for the duck! Things speed up again)

CHANDLER: (Comforting the duck) It's okay..... It's okay baby ... It's alright ......

(Chandler and Joey crowd around the duck, making a BIG fuss of the duck, relieved to see her without stuffing! The scene cuts back to Phoebe, stuggling)

PHOEBE: Okay, okay. You got me! What are ya gonna do to me?

Scene 18 - Another Restaurant

(A quick cut to a shot of all six sitting around a big restaurant table, There is a HUGE amount of stuff on the table, a HUGE amount of stuff! All sorts of meaty treats are laid out for Phoebe, who's face is an absolute picture of delight!)

PHOEBE: Ohh you Guys!!!

ROSS: Okay Phoebe! This place is open 24 hours, it's all you can eat, we're gonna sit here and let you eat until you can't passibly touch a piece of meat again!

PHOEBE: Ohhh, thanks you guys, and .... and I'm Really sorry about your duck Chandler. I didn't mean to, I just went a little crazy ...

CHANDLER: That's okay Phoeebs, although Joey may take longer to forgive you!

(Cut to a shot of Joey, turned away from Phoebe, his arms folded, his face screwed up sulking)

WAITER 3: Okay, so how large would you like your steak madam?

PHOEBE: How large do they go?

WAITER 3: 32 ounces Madam.

PHOEBE: Okay I'll have three of those! Err, what other specials you got?

WAITER 3: Err, we have Chicken in lemon pepper sauce ... Veal in a Port and White Wine Sauce ... and Duck ...

EVERYONE EXCEPT PHOEBE: (Shouting in unison) NO!!!

PHOEBE: (Looking at all the others) Errr just the steaks then thanks!

(We cut to Chandler and Monica, sitting at one side of the table, and a conversation continues just between those two)


MONICA: (Looking up) Hey ...

CHANDLER: About .... Err, the baby monitor thing, and the baby book ...

MONICA: It's Okay, I'm sorry about that, I didn't mean to ...

CHANDLER: (Holding Monica's hand) It's okay! Look, deep down, I wouldn't mind a little Chandler too, and there isn't anyone I'd like to have children more than you ... and I mean, neither of us are getting any younger...

(Monica stares daggers at him)

CHANDLER: Okay ... that came out wrong ... What I meant was, We're both getting to an age where we want to have kids ...

MONICA: But ...

CHANDLER: How did you know there was a but?

MONICA: Call it woman's intuition!

CHANDLER: Okay... but, I don't want to rush into babies straight away. I always pictured myself, we've got all those other things to look forward to, living together, marriage, arguing over who left the hair on the soap ...

(Monica screws her face up in disgust)

CHANDLER: What I mean is ... I'd like to take it a step at a time, okay?? A little bit at a time ... and ... I like to take the first step now ...

MONICA: What first step??

CHANDLER: (With disbelief) What first step? THE first step!!!

MONICA: I don't know what your talking about??

CHANDLER: Well ... (coughs, swallows hard) ... you know ... how Rachel is moving out? Well, once Phoebe moves out back to her own apartment, how about you and me ... y'know, move in together?

(Monica goes nuts and hugs Chandler tightly)

MONICA: Owwww that's sooooo great I can't wait to tell everyone!!!

CHANDLER: Errrr, can u wait a little while before telling everyone?


CHANDLER: Joey ...

MONICA: Ohh, how are ya gonna tell him??

CHANDLER: I really don't know!

(Behind Monica and Chandler, a huge steak is wheeled in, on a massive plate and placed down before Phoebe. It's a HUGE big fatty greasy steak! Phoebe looks at it, licks her lips and makes yummy noises, WE see a shot of Rachel, who looks at the steak, her eyes cross, her cheeks puff up.)

RACHEL: I don't feel so good!

(Rachel sprints off of the table to the toilets) Credits End Teaser - Another Restaurant.

(Cut to the same scene at the restaurant, but obviously many hours later. Phoebe's still munching away, but all the other five are slumped over the tables, completely out of it, Slowly, Chandler raises his head off of the table, looks at his watch, lets out a low groan of disappointment.)

CHANDLER: Are you nearly finished? It's 3:30 am. 3.30AM!! Look, even the waiter's asleep!

PHOEBE: Yeah, but I'm not finished yet!

JOEY: Phoebe, Werewolves would be full by now!! Come on ...

PHOEBE: (Calling out!) Waiter guy!

EVERYONE EXCEPT PHOEBE: Awwwwwwww (all let out a huge groan!)

(The waiter walks up, carrying a sign, he holds it up for Phoebe to read. It says " THE MANAGEMENT RESERVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE SERVICE TO ANYONE!")

WAITER 3: Get out!

PHOEBE: Pardon?

WAITER 3: You Heard Me! GET OUT!

PHOEBE: But I haven't had all I can eat yet!

WAITER 3: You've had more than the third Marine Corps. could eat! Now move!

PHOEBE: But your sign says your open 24 Hours?

WAITER 3: Sure! But not all in a row!!

PHOEBE: I haven't had that much!

WAITER 3: Okay madam, I'll just tot up what you've ordered so far ...

(The waiter takes out his little notebook and starts to recite)

WAITER 3: Okay ... 7 pounds 8 ounces of steak, 3 whole chickens, 2 whole turkeys. 2 and a half racks of lamb, 3 joints of beef, our entire supply of bacon, sausages, gammon, chicken wings, and black pudding. 8 cut of veal, 3 slices of venison and one whole cow's worth of spare ribs!! Unless you want us to fry up the restaurant's cat, I suggest you leave!

(A few moments of silence ....)

PHOEBE: Oh Alright!

The End!

Okay, That's it for the third, I hope u enjoyed it, it certainly was the longest one I have written! I hope to see you all again real soon for my fourth, which is as yet untitled!

See ya soon, and please e-mail me with comments on!


  TOW The Duck in the Oven - First Draft Chris Freestone Dec 17 1998

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