TOW Dr. Remoray lives again
Written by: Steve Lui
(Central Perk: Joey, Chandler and Monica are on the couch)
(enter Rachel, wearing a way oversized, awkward looking leather jacket)
Rachel: Hey guys!
Monica: Whoa—which cow pissed you off today?
Rachel: Ha ha. For your information, this jacket happens to be the next level in leather design. In about 5 months, everyone will be wearing one of these.
Chandler: That should give me plenty of time to get some new sweaters, because ya know, gotta dress warm when hell freezes over.
Joey: So uh, Rach, don’t you think you should take that thing off before Phoebe comes walking in here? She’s gonna have a cow when she sees you in that thing.
Chandler: Oh, which reminds me, I think I need some more milk in my latte(puts his coffee cup between Rachel’s legs) Come on Bessie, you can do it!
Phoebe: Oh my God!! Rachel, I can’t believe you’re wearing that!
Rachel: Uh, actually Pheebs I’m just you know, testing this thing…out in public for… Bloomindale’s before we decide to sell it or not. (leading the others on)
All: Oh, yeah definitely…so hook me up when you get a chance…
Phoebe: Well, I don’t care. Take it off Rachel, you can’t wear that thing. It’s like, murder.
Rachel: Ok ok ok
(tries to unzip the jacket, but it’s stuck)
Rachel: The zipper seems to be stuck…
Phoebe: Come here(struggling with the zipper) Come Rachel, get this thing off already! Take it off!
Rachel: Look I’m trying to unzip this thing as fast as I can!
(All of a sudden we hear pots crashing in the kitchen and Gunther stumbles out onto the floor. Everyone looks at Gunther, wondering what is going on)
Gunther: Everyone be careful. I just got the floor waxed, and it’s real slippery.
(Central Perk. Monica, Rachel, Ross and Chandler are listening to Phoebe sing)
Phoebe(angrily): BURN! BURN! BURN! and the match dies out. Thank you.
Monica: Another good one Pheebs.
Phoebe: What can I say, sometimes you have really great days.
Chandler: You guys are going to call me if I'm not here and that actually happens right?
(Both Rachel and Monica nod their heads)
Rachel: So hey, Phoebe, what time are we going to see your nieces today?
Phoebe: Oh, whenever. I mean, I was carrying around those things for like forever, so now it's now nice to kinda rest up from it all. I mean, it's not like I'm in a big rush to see the babies this soon.
Rachel: Well, I just need to pick up some things at the store and I'm ready to go.
Phoebe: Oh, well what are we waiting for? Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
(Rushes Rachel out the door as Joey comes running in)
Joey: Hey guys I got some great news! I just got a call from my agent. She says she got me another audition on Days of Our Lives!
Monica: Oh my God, that’s so great! But wait a minute, didn’t you get killed by an elevator?
Joey: Noooo (silence) I fell down an elevator shaft. I got crushed by the elevator.
All: Oh yeah, that’s right. I forgot about that.
Monica(jokingly): So what are they going to do? Bring someone in as evil identical twin brother?
Joey: Yeah, how did you know? My agent said that the people at the show were going for a new angle, so they want to bring in BLAKE Remoray, the evil and no good brother of Drake.
Chandler: Wow, an evil identical twin….that definitely is a new refreshing angle.
Joey: Anyway, I figure since I've been on the show before, and know what's going on, there's a good chance I'll get the part.
Ross: Um, Joe, this might be a stupid question but, well since the part is for an identical twin brother, wouldn't you kinda already have the part?
Joey (realizing what he means): Hey, you know what? You're right. Anyway, this could be my bring break…again.
Chandler: Wait a minute, I thought that movie with Charleston Heston was going to be your big break?
Monica: No, no. That Al Pacino movie was his break.
Ross: No, remember, he was just a butt double in that one.
Chandler: And he got fired from that.
Joey: Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me. I almost totally forgot that one!
Chandler: Hey no problem, buddy!
(Monica and Rachel’s apt. Monica and Chandler are watching TV. Monica is cuddled against Chandler. Enter Ross. Chandler immediately pushes Monica to the floor with a loud thump.)
Chandler: Yeap, that's definitely a juice stain. Couldn't be anything else.
Monica: Rachel and I are definitely going to have to have a talk when she gets back. Oh, hey Ross, didn't even hear ya come in.
Ross: Hey guys. Well, it’s official, my second marriage is over. I just faxed Emily the papers to sign for the divorce. I just can't believe it's over.
Monica: Oh I'm so sorry. I know it's not much, but is there anything we can do to help?
Chandler: Tell you what, why don't you go out to the strip bars tonight with Joey and me(Monica steps on his foot)..WITH JOEY, I mean go with Joey, because I've got a lot of office type stuff to do. I'm sure that'll cheer you up.
Monica: I’m sure Joey would love to take you. Any chance to look at naked women, he'll take it.
Chandler: Pfft….you got that one right.
Ross: Look guys, it’s not that easy alright. This is the second time I’ve gotten a divorce in like five years. I wouldn’t consider that exactly healthy.
Monica: Well…look at it this way. (thinking of something reassuring to say) Third time’s a charm right?
Ross(sarcastically): Oh, ok. Wow, I never looked at that way. Let me go out and get married again right now cuz this time, I know it’s gonna be a keeper!
Chandler: Ok, so what do you want us to do? I mean no offense Ross, but when you’re like this, you’re just no fun.
Ross: I don’t know. I just need you guys to be here for me right now ok?
Monica: You got it. (Monica gives him a hug)
Chandler: Hey man, I'd give you a hug too, but I was there for you through that whole lesbian thing.
(Frank Jr. and Alice's home. Phoebe and Rachel are looking at the babies)
Phoebe: Oh, hi little Frank Jr. Jr. Hi Leslie, hello tiny Chandler.
Rachel: I really don't see how you did it Pheebs.
Phoebe: On, well, it's easy. Frank Jr. Jr. is kinda big, and he's got a big name. LEslie's on the LEft, and Chandler's the one that's always sucking his thumbs.
Rachel: No, I mean how you were able to carry these precious cute little babies inside of you all at once. I mean (looks down at the babies)--wow little Chandler is just sucking that thing off, isn't he? Anyway, I don't think I could ever have the strength to do what you did--to just carry them triplets around for 9 months, and then just give them up.
Phoebe: Well, I didn't think so either, but I think I made the right choice. Besides, once those suckers are inside of you, you kinda have to deal with it.
Rachel: You've got a good point there.(picks up one of the babies and starts shaking it) Hi little Chandler, can you say Rachel? Ra-chel? (Chandler drools on her) Wow, just like the adult version. We'll just put you back down here beside your little sister.
(enter Frank and Alice)
Alice: Ok, who wants some nice milk? Oh, is that a new perfume you're wearing Rachel?
Rachel: Yes, its Eau do Puke.
Frank: Hmm, smells like carrots.
Alice: Ok, so little Leslie, you're first. Come to mommy. (picks up one of the babies)
Phoebe: Oh no, no, no that's Chandler. See, she's got the little drool on her chin.
Rachel: Pheebs, they all have little drool on their chins.
Phoebe: Huh, what do you know? You're right.
Alice: Wait, so which one is Leslie, and which one is Chandler?
(everyone looks at each other in confusion)
Frank: Well, I can figure out which one is Frank Jr. Jr. that's for sure!
(Joey and Chandler's apt. Joey has just finished reading his new script when Chandler walks in).
Chandler: Hey, buddy what's up?
Joey: I'M GAY!
Chandler: Loud and proud sister!
Joey: No, Blake Remoray…he's gay. That's the angle the writers wanted.
Chandler: A GAY evil identical twin brother? Wow, that really IS a twist!
Joey: It's not enough they give me the shaft before, but they have to bring me back just so I can be gay. I can't play a gay man. That would be like asking me to, to, to…I don't know, play a gay man!
Chandler: Come on, you've done it before. It's no big deal.
Joey: That was on stage. Days of Our Lives is national TV. If I come off as being gay, then that could mean bad news for little Joey. And if little Joey starts getting lonely…
Chandler: No need to finish that, no need to finish that! Look, you've been waiting for this part, well since Drake died. This is your second big chance. The only people that are going to believe you're gay are the same people who believe you are your own evil twin.
Joey(proudly): Hey, if I'm that good I'm an actor, I can make anything believable.
Chandler: So basically you've got nothing to worry about. (Joey gives him a look) Ok, look at this way, women think you're gay, then they're going to want you more, because they know they can't have you.
Joey: Ok, so did that work when everyone thought you were gay in college?
Chandler: Well, no….but you're going to be on national TV again Joe. You can't pass this up.
Joey: Oh, alright, if being a celebrity means I have to be gay, then gay it is!
Chandler: Alright, but this time, get Ross to be your kissing partner.
(Frank and Alice's. Everyone is still confused about which baby is which)
Rachel: I can't believe this. It's like we're living out an episode of some 80s TV show!
Phoebe: Oh, like Family Ties!
Rachel: This would be so much easier if you guys didn't dress them all alike?
Frank: Well, I mean, how else can you tell they're triplets?
Phoebe: That's a very good point he has there.
(Frank and Alice's. Everyone is still trying to figure out which one is Chandler and which one is Leslie)
Rachel: I've got it! Chandler sucks her thumbs! Which one is sucking her thumb?
(Everyone looks intensely at the babies with anxious looks on their faces)
Rachel: Ok, no one's sucking! Why isn't anyone sucking! (grabs Frank) Why don't your babies suck?!? (realizing what she is doing) Oh, sorry.
Phoebe: Oh, I know! Leslie came out before Chandler, so she looks older.
Rachel: Um, Pheebs. I don't think coming out two minutes before your little sister is going to make you look older. I mean, what about you and Ursula? I can't tell.
Rachel: Um, NO silly! Of course I can tell. She's so wrinkled these days!
Phoebe: She's really let herself go hasn't she?
Frank: I've got it! Leslie's diaper needed to be changed. Someone's just got to feel which one's got the poop still in it!
Phoebe: Ew! Ew! Ew!
Rachel(backing away): Well, you know, since you two are the parents.
Alice: Oh for Pete sake. (picks up a baby and puts her hand on the diaper). Oh, yeah, this is the one.
Rachel: Ooh, ok you probably shouldn't make dinner now.
Phoebe: Or if you do, put in LOTS of seasoning.
(A set on Days or Our Lives. Joey is standing next to a picnic table of snacks holding a cup of water)
Stagehand: Your scene is coming up in about 5 minutes Mr. Tribianni.
(At this point, Joey is just looking around at people and smiling. We hear his thoughts, indicated in italics)
Joey: So what? I'm going to play a gay man--a gay man on national television. It's not like if I play a gay man on TV that I'll start being in one real life. Or does it? What if it does? Oh my God! What if by becoming Blake, gay evil identical brother of Drake, I, Joey become homosexual? (thinks about it for a second) At least I'd be a damn good looking gay!(starts shaking his head and smiling)
(Ross's apt. He is flipping through a photo album when Monica enters with a grocery bag)
Monica: Hey, just thought I'd drop buy and cook you your favorite meal to cheer you up! What are you looking at?
Ross: Just some pictures from the wedding. See, this one right here is the before picture. Everyone is all laughing and smiling. There's Joey talking to that bridesmaid. There's you and Chandler at the dinner table. And there's Emily and me. We look so happy. I'd show you the after picture, but since Emily ran off, it was really hard to get her into the shot.
Monica: Ross, look I think you need to burn that book. I mean, it's doing nothing but getting you all depressed.
Ross: But I can't. You see these are the last pictures I have of Emily and me. I mean, look (pointing at picture), we look so perfect together. (turns the page) And there's you and Chandler again. Wow, you guys really hung out a lot in London.
Monica(realizing what is happening, snatches the book from Ross): Ok, you definitely need to burn this book. I mean, at least put away in cold dark corner, and NEVER look at it again. EVER! (Ross gives her a look) I mean, I just think, you know, it's the best for you.
Ross: I just need some type of closure you know? I mean, after a big breakup, I at least still talk to that person. I still talk to Carol. Rachel and I are still really good friends. So this is the first time where I've totally lost communication. It just doesn't feel right.
Monica: Would you make you feel better if I told you Emily was a bitch?
Monica: I mean, what if we totally slammed her. Made her, like the biggest bitch in the world so that you hated her guts and never want to think about her again?
Ross(mumbling): I don't know, maybe…
Monica: Ok, well first off, what's with that British accent, like she's all that proper? (in a cheesy British accent) Hello, I'm Emily. Care for a spot of tea? Hi Ross, you look like such a bloody wanker?
Ross: Bloody wanker?
Monica(still in a British accent): That's right. Come now, show me what you got you pansy! (starts to playfully punch Ross)
Ross: Look, thanks, but I don't--(Monica slaps him hard on the head) ok, there's no need for that.
Monica(still in accent): What's the matter? Little yankee can't hit for himself? Come on you scalawag.
Ross: Scalawag? Are we supposed to be English, or a pirate?
Monica: Well, you know, whatever works. Come on! (smacks him again)
Ross: Alright that does it.
(Ross grabs Monica and starts to play wrestle. Both are laughing until Ross accidentally knocks Monica head against the coffee table)
Ross: Oh, are you ok?
Monica: Yeah, it's just a little bump. So are you feeling better?
Ross: I think so. I mean, for now. Thanks. (silence) You know, when the right guy comes along, he's gonna be the luckiest guy to have someone like you.
Monica: Well, just got keep on looking!
(Monica and Rachel's apt. All are there except Ross, who comes walking in)
Ross: Did I miss it? Has the evil and gay Blake Remoray made his debut yet?
Monica: No, not yet. He should be on next though.
Chandler: So Ross, you seem to be doing a lot better about this whole second divorce thing.
Ross: Thanks. I mean it. Without you guys, I really don't know what I would have done.
Rachel: Oh, that's so sweet.
Phoebe: Yeah, really.
(There is a momentary silence for sentiment)
Chandler: Op, gay Blake's on!
All except Joey: All right!
Joey: Come on guys, we don't have to watch this!
Monica: Uh…yeah we do! Besides, Joey this is your big break remember. Heck, if this gay role works out, you could like, be a big time celebrity.
Chandler: Not too mention all the fan mail you would be getting from people in prison.
(at this point, we see Joey on the TV. All of the lines heard from the TV are in italics)
Woman: Drake, I can't believe it's you! After all these years, you're alive!
Joey: No, I'm not Drake. (silence) I'm Drake's twin!
(We hear cheesy soap opera music)
Chandler: Oh my God! I never saw that coming!
Woman: So, you look like Drake. Do you make love as well he did?
Phoebe: See, why can't I be that aggressive?
Rachel: You can Pheebs. I mean, you would become a total slut, but you can.
Joey: I'm afraid that's something you'll never find out. You see, I'm in love with (silence) your brother!
(We hear more cheesy soap opera music that fades into a commercial)
Ross: Great job (becomes silent like the soap opera) Joey!
Phoebe(mimicking the music from the soap opera): Duh da duh!
(The phone rings)
Monica: Hello. Yeap, he's here, hold on. Joe, I think it's your dad.
Joey: Really? (He takes the phone) Hello? (We immediately hear a loud, yelling voice on the phone) No, dad, I'm not really like that. No, it's just a role dad. (more yelling). No, no, living with Chandler didn't make me…that way. (We see Chandler's eyes pop open) Dad, I really don't see any point in you coming up, it's not like that. (more yelling) When am I going to find the time to visit all the strip bars in New Yo--(realizing what he just said)--so, I'll meet you tomorrow at 10ish?