The One With The Dead Hamster


Written by Kat.

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright,
Kaufman and Crane.


(SCENE: Monica & Chandler's. The whole gang are there, and Monica is just getting off the phone)

MON(into phone): Okay. (pause) Okay. (pause) Bye.

RACH: So?

MON: First scan, Monday at 3 o'clock.

PHOE: I still can't believe it. It's really weird!

CHAN: This is weird to you? After all the stuff that's happened to you?

PHOE: I guess you have a point. But this is the weirdest thing that's happened since the whole mermaid incident.

ROSS: Anyway…My baby sister's first scan! Is daddy coming? (he looks at Chandler)

CHAN: Of course I am! Why wouldn't I?

ROSS(teasing): Well, I remember Carol's first scan. It was pretty emotional. Sure you can handle it?

CHAN(nervous): Emotional?

MON: Ross, leave him alone. Chandler, honey, he's just kidding.

ROSS: Not really. Remember, I brought a video of it back. I still have it somewhere at home.

JOEY: Is that what it was?

ROSS: What?

JOEY: Well, I was looking for a spare video the other day, and I kinda…taped over it. (He smiles nervously)

RACH: You taped over the first scan? Oh, Ross is gonna kill you!

JOEY: He's right there! Don't give him any ideas!

ROSS(to Joey): You have 5 seconds.

JOEY: To what?

ROSS: To run. (pause) Five, four, (Joey jumps up and runs out. Ross follows him slowly , and we hear him saying 'three, two, one')

(Monica gets up and closes the door)

MON: I'm glad you're taking this so well, Chandler.

CHAN: Well, you know, I'm looking forward to it.

MON: Great. I've gotta go to the bathroom, but I'll be right back, okay?

CHAN: Okay. (he kisses her)

(Monica goes into the bathroom)

RACH: I can't believe you're being so brave.

PHOE: Yeah, you've really grown up.

RACH: Are you really looking forward to it?

CHAN: You really wanna know?

RACH: Well, that's why I asked.

CHAN: Couldn't be more nervous.

 

OPENING CREDITS

(SCENE: Rachel & Phoebe's. Rachel and Monica are playing with Hammy, Rachel and Phoebe's hamster. Phoebe isn't there)

MON: Isn't it the cutest little thing?

RACH: I know! So, when's Chandler picking you up?

MON(looking at her watch): Not for a half hour. (pause) Aw, look! Hammy's eating!

RACH: Aw!

MON: Take him out.

RACH: Okay! (she opens up the cage and picks up Hammy)

(Hammy crawls around on Rachel's arm for a while)

MON: Let me hold him.

RACH: Okay.

(She hands over Hammy, and Monica tickles him. He bites her, and she yelps and drops him. Rachel doesn't notice as she is looking at the TV Guide. She steps back and treads on Hammy, making a squelch. Monica winces.)

RACH: What was that?

MON: Um, well…

RACH: Where's Hammy?

MON: I'm sure he's in a better place now.

RACH(realising): Oh nooo…No, no, no! Mon!

MON: What? The little creep bit me!

RACH: You didn't have to drop him!

MON: You didn't have to stand on him!

RACH: I didn't do it on purpose! Ohh god, Phoebe is gonna kill you!

MON: Me?! Why me? You're the one who squashed him!

RACH: Oh my god!

MON: What?

RACH: These trainers are Nike Air Max. They cost me $120!

MON: No, they cost me $120! They're mine!

RACH: They're yours? Really? I've had them for ages!

MON: I know!

RACH: What are we gonna do about Hammy?

MON: Well, you can tell Phoebe.

RACH: Why me?

MON: I'll be at my scan! Ha!

RACH: Oh no, you're not getting out of it that easy!

(Chandler enters)

CHAN: Hey!

MON(to Rachel): Ha! See ya later! Send my love to Phoebe! (she smiles cockily, and links arms with Chandler, who is confused)

CHAN: What's goin on?

MON: We're going to our scan. Remember?

CHAN(confused): Okay…Whatever. Bye, Rach.

RACH(gritting teeth): Bye. Bye, Monica.

(Monica and Chandler leave)

(Rachel takes off her trainer, and looks at the sole)

RACH: Eww. (she drops it on the floor, and it lands with a thud)

 

(SCENE: The very same hospital that Phoebe had the triplets in. Chandler and Monica enter the waiting room, holding hands.)

CHAN: You sit down, okay? I'm gonna check in.

MON: Okay. (she smiles and sits on one of the chairs. She sees a baby in a pram ,and smiles at it. It starts crying. Monica is taken aback, and she makes a face at it. It starts crying even louder, and the mum comes over. Monica shrugs at her, then smiles awkwardly)

(Chandler comes back and sits down next to her)

MON: Is everything okay?

CHAN: Yeah, we shouldn't have to wait too long.

MON: Good. I hate waiting.

(The receptionist- RCPT- starts to talk)

RCPT: Ms (pause) Monica Gellar? The doctor will see you now.

(Monica looks at Chandler)

MON: Here we go.

CHAN(nervous): Uh huh.

(Move to: The doctor's - DOC- room. The doctor is female. Monica is lying down, and Chandler is sitting nervously next to her. The doctor is getting ready to start the scan, and there is a small screen next to the bed Monica is on)

DOC: Okay, I'm going to put this (motions to a pot of cream) on your bump. It'll be a little cold, but you'll get used to it after a few seconds. Then I'll use this (motions to a device) and you should see the sonogram on that screen.

(She points to the screen)

CHAN: Okay.

DOC: You must be Mr Gellar?

CHAN: No, no. I'm Mr Bing.

DOC: As in Nora Bing's son?

CHAN(irritated): Uh huh…

DOC: Oh, I love her books! I especially loved her first one- so full of passion and…Wow.

CHAN: I'll be sure to pass on the message. (he smiles, annoyed)

DOC: Anyway, here we go…I'm gonna put some of this (motions to the cream) on your bump. It might be a little cold at first, okay? And then, the sonogram should come up on the screen. (she motions to the screen)

(She puts the cream on Monica, who flinches. The doctor then uses the other device and the sonogram comes up on the screen)

MON(quiet): Oh, wow. (she reaches out for Chandler's hand, and he holds hers)

(The baby moves, and Chandler starts to look a bit sickly)

MON: Isn't it just perfect? (no response) Isn't it? (no response) (irritated) Chandler!

CHAN(nervous): Oh yeah. Yup, yup, yup.

MON(concerned): You okay?

CHAN: I'm fine. (he isn't)

DOC: Will you be wanting a photo or video? You can have either, both or neither.

MON: We'll have both. We have friends that will wanna see this. Chandler, you brought money, right?

CHAN(quiet): I've got a 20.

DOC: That should more than cover it.

(She removes the device and turns off the screen)

DOC: Well, everything seems to be in working order. No problems, perfectly healthy from what I could see, although it is early days. (she smiles) But daddy looks a little green! (she laughs) It's perfectly natural to be worried, Mr Bing.

CHAN: I-I'm not worried! I'm just…y'know.

DOC: Anyway, I'll see you in about a month for another check-up. If you make an appointment at reception.

(Monica gets off the bed, wipes off the cream and pulls her top down)

MON: Thanks a lot, Dr Walters.

DOC: No problem. Just doing my job.

MON: Bye.

CHAN(still not himself, nervous, weird): Bye. (he gulps)

(They walk out)

 

(SCENE: Rachel & Phoebe's. Monica is just walking in, and Rachel is sitting alone, fretting over the hamster)

MON: Hey! Is Phoebe back yet?

RACH: No…(pause) Oh god! How did your scan go?

MON: It was perfect! You wouldn't believe how sweet it was! Except…

RACH: What?

MON: I dunno. It's just that Chandler was a little distant. It was probably just me, but he looked really ill. Even the doctor laughed about it!

RACH: Oh c'mon! Chandler loves you! He was probably just a little nervous. A baby is a big thing. Don't worry!

MON: You’re right. You're the one that should be worried.

RACH: Why?

MON: Phoebe!

(Phoebe enters)

PHOE: What?

MON(quickly): Nothing.

PHOE: Hey Rach! How's my Hammy?

RACH: Why?

PHOE: Well, I just wondered. (she looks at the cage) Where is he?

RACH: He kinda died.

PHOE: What? How?

RACH: I, uh-

MON: It was my fault, really. See, he bit me, and I dropped him. He ran straight into a wall. I'm sorry, honey.

PHOE: Well, yeah, but it's not your fault. It could have happened to anyone. Worse things have happened to me. (During this, Rachel looks disgusted and totally shocked)

RACH: Well, uh…

PHOE: What?

RACH: I'll buy you a new one!

PHOE: No, no. I'm not ready for a pet. I should have learnt that when I got the lion in Africa. Oh, well. You win some, you lose some.

 

(SCENE: Ross & Joey's. Ross and Joey are watching TV, when Chandler enters)

JOEY: Hey, man!

ROSS: Hey!

CHAN: Hi.

JOEY: So, how'd the scan go, pops?

ROSS: Yeah, was the baby okay?

CHAN: The baby was fine. I was the one that had the trouble keeping consciousness.

JOEY/ROSS: What?

JOEY: What happened?

CHAN: I dunno! It's like it started to move and that was it! Y'know, I freaked! But I couldn't do anything cos of Mon, and I, I dunno...

ROSS: Well, why did you freak?

CHAN: Cos it was a baby! A real, live baby! And I helped make it! Talk about responsibility!

ROSS: Is that such a bad thing? I mean Chandler, you're 30. You're gonna have to stop this thing you got going on!

CHAN: What "thing"?

ROSS: The "oh-I'm-so-scared-of-commitment" thing. Having a baby is a great thing. I should know. I've been there!

CHAN: I dunno. Don't forget, this is Monica. I know how baby crazy she is, and I just feel so…

JOEY: Left out?

CHAN: No! Ross, you know what I mean right? Tell me you were there!

ROSS: I was there! Just cheer up Chandler. Just think about how great it'll be with you and Mon, and a little girl or boy.

CHAN: I guess you're right. I'm a really lucky guy.

(Joey looks upset)

ROSS: What's up, Jo?

JOEY(whining): I want a baby!


(END SCENE: Monica & Chandler's. Monica is showing pictures of the scan to Rachel, Phoebe & Ross. Joey and Chandler are watching football, but Chandler is constantly glancing at the photo.)

JOEY: Oh my god! He's gonna get touchdown!!

(Chandler stands up, trying to see the photo and the TV. Eventually, he slips on the end of the rug, and falls with a bang)

ALL: Oh my god!/ Are you okay?

JOEY: Yes! Yes! Yes!

(The gang look at him)

JOEY: What? I like this team.

THE END