The One Where Chandler's Under The Thumb

Written by: L.Howard

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

[Scene One: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are on the couch as Ross enters.]

Ross: (not happy) Hi..

Rachel: Hey

Phoebe: Hi, whats up?

Ross: I've just come from seeing Ben, he wants to know why, if Mummy has a wife haw come Daddy hasn't?

Rachel: Huh, did you tell him you've actually had three?

Ross: Ha, real funny don't forget you were one of them!

Rachel: Sorry just trying to help.

Ross: I don't know what to tell him. I don't want him to think only girls have wives. I need to show him boys also like girls. What can I do?

Phoebe: Why don't you take him to a Strip Club?

Ross: Yeah, I don't think they let 5 year old boys in Pheebs.

Phoebe: Oh, ok why don't you have him stay with Monica and Chandler for a few days? You know let him see a man and woman living together?

Ross: Huh, I want to educate him not scare the hell out of him! Thanks anyway, I guess I'll just have to work something out. Maybe I could tell him that Mummy was Daddy's wife, (starts to get upset) but then she decided she wanted a wife of her own and….

Rachel: Ah Ross, don't you think you kind of missing the point?

Ross: Yeah you're right, I guess I better go discuss this with Carole. (Gets up to go)

Rachel: Best idea you've had yet. Seeya.

Phoebe: Bye

Ross: Bye

(Ross exits Central Perk)

Phoebe: So what are you doing now, want to go see a movie or something?

Rachel: No I can't I have to go home and finish off some work I bought home.

Phoebe: Ok, hey maybe I can help?

Rachel:I don't know Pheebs, do you know anything about stock control?

Phoebe: (sarcastically) Yeeesss, I used to sort out the clothes in the donation bins when I lived on the street so I could get some sleep without all the blood rushing to my head.

Rachel: ummm I don't think that kind of experience would actually help Sweetie, I have to buy clothes for the store, not sort them. Sorry.

Phoebe: Oh, well fine, just don't ask to help me with my work.

Rachel: Pheebs, you don't have any work at the moment.

Phoebe: Yeah well, I play guitar here and if you ever want to sing with me you can't.

Rachel: OK?

Opening Credits

[Scene Two: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Monica are on the couch]

Chandler: So what's to eat?

Monica: (annoyed) I don't know, why don't you have a look?

Chandler: Ok sorry, I just thought you might have made some cookies or something.

Monica: (going into her high squeal) Well I haven't, I have been at work all day and I don't necessarily have to come home and make more food just to satisfy you!

Chandler: Geez relax, I just asked a question.

Monica: (apologetic) Oh, I'm sorry, I had the worst day. The waiters stuck a dead fish in my bag and when I went out at lunch-time people were screwing up their noses at me and walking away. This one sales girl actually told me to go take a shower.

Chandler: I wondered what that smell was, but well you know, I didn't like to ask.

Monica: Chandler!!!

Chandler: Sorry.

(Joey enters)

Joey: Hey lovebirds, whatcha doing?

Monica: Hi Joe.

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: What's that smell?

Monica: Nothing!!

(Monica gets up takes out some stuff from her bag and then throws the bag in the bin)

Joey: So you up for a game of Hockey tonight?

Chandler: I'm in! How did you get tickets the game has been sold out for weeks?

Joey: This girl I'm partnered with in my acting class is dating one of the players and gave them to me.

Monica: I'm in too!

Joey: Ah… sorry Mon, I only have two tickets.

Chandler: You don't even like hockey anyway. You always make me turn it off when I try to watch it on TV.

Joey: Ha Ha, you are so under the thumb man!

Chandler: I am not.

Joey: You are so under the thumb, you've probably even got a bald spot on top of your head.

Chandler: I am not, Monica tell him I'm not under your thumb!

Joey: Oh sure like getting your girlfriend to tell me makes it true!

Chandler: Oh…(searching for something to say) Shut-up!!

[Scene Three: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters]

Monica: Hey Pheebs.

Phoebe: Hi. Where's Chandler?

Monica: Not here, (getting annoyed again) why, can't I go out with out him sometimes?

Phoebe: OK breathe. Sorry just asking, what's up?

Monica: Nothing, he's just gone out without me as usual. I think her prefers to spend time with Joey more than me sometimes.

Phoebe: Oh, I'm sure that’s not true, he's usually ALWAYS with you.

Monica: What do you mean by that?

Phoebe: Um… just that you are um..?

Monica: What are you trying to say Phoebe?

Phoebe: Well you know, that Chandler may have a slight bald spot on top of his head.

Monica: Chandler is not going bald and what has that got to do with him going out without me anyway?

Phoebe: Well…lets just say that you could have some sort of controlling influence over him and he might need a break occasionally?

Monica: Hey.. that’s sort of what Joey said earlier. Chandler is not whipped!

Phoebe: Oh no I didn't mean whipped. Yeah no I meant he's under the thumb.

Monica: Hey!

(Ross returns)

Ross: Hey Mon, Pheebs.

Monica/Phoebe: Hi

Phoebe: So did you and Carole solve your problem?

Monica: What problem?

Ross: Ben wants to know why his mummy has a wife but daddy doesn't.

Monica: What did you tell him?

Ross: Nothing yet, I went to talk to Carole about it but she wasn't home. So I thought that maybe I could get a date and take Ben with us?

Monica: Ha, you thought you could get a date?

Ross: Ha ha mmdnor (some strange noise)

Phoebe: I still think you should try the strip club, you could sneak him in as a midget?

(Monica & Ross look at her strangely)

Ross: Anyway….Have either of you seen Rachel, I thought I might ask her if she would mind coming out with me and Ben.

Monica: Do you think that's a really good idea? Hey why don't you let Ben stay with me and Chandler?

Ross: Ah thanks, but I really want him to be impressed by a strong male influence not another female in charge.

Monica: I am not in charge of Chandler.. well only sometimes. But I let him make most of his own decisions.

Ross: Yeah right.. that’s why I always have to put the TV up to the window when the Hockey is on so he can watch it.

Monica: He does what? Oh I thought he was just being thoughtful and checking for spots on the window for me!

Ross: What? Nothing? I didn't say anything? Pheeb's did you hear anything?

Phoebe: Yeah, you just said…

(Ross gets up quickly and starts to leave)

Ross: Anyway got to go, so if you see Rach can you get her to call me. See-ya.

(Ross runs out)

[Scene Four: Joey and Chandler walking down the street, after the Hockey]

Chandler: What a win, it is sooo much better to watch a game live than on TV.

Joey: Yeah especially when you have to stick you face up against the window so you can see Ross's TV when its on.

Chandler: Well.. its just because Monica doesn't like all the hitting and crushing.

Joey: No hitting and violence in Hockey, yeah that would be exciting.. NOT!

Chandler: So Joe, when you said I was under the thumb before, did you really mean it?

Joey: Well yeah!

Chandler: It's not that bad, Monica is just used to being in charge, you know as work.

Joey: Yeah thats why she made you take a packed lunch to take to the Hockey.

Chandler: Well OK that is a little unusual, but its easier than dealing with the looks.

Joey: Don't you think you should have a talk to her about it?

Chandler: Talk.. to Monica? Um yeah, no I don't think so.

Joey: You are so whipped!!

Chandler: Yeah well at least I'm not… (thinks for something to say) living alone and doing anything I want…. Yeah ok I'll talk to her!!


[Scene Five: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is making cookies in the kitchen. Chandler enters]

Chandler: Hey Mon, whatch doing?

Monica: I felt bad for yelling at you so I'm making you cookies.

Chandler: Aw thanks. (Goes over and kisses her)

Monica: How was the game?

Chandler: Great we won.

Monica: Good, we need to talk.

Chandler: Oh oh, this can't be good.

Monica: Why?

Chandler: Well, whenever a girl I'm with starts a conversation with "we need to talk" it usually meant she was going to dump me.

Monica: I'm not going to dump you, I love you.

Chandler: Whew, I love you too

(They kiss again)

Chandler: So what do you want to talk about?

Monica: This morning when Joey said you were under the thumb did it bother you?

Chandler: … well, yes a little why?

Monica: Well I was talking to Phoebe and Ross and they both said similar things.

Chandler: Ok so do you think I'm under the thumb?

Monica: No! Do you?

Chandler: Nooo…. Well yeah actually.

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: Well only sometimes.. (quietly) like now. It gets a little embarrassing taking a packed lunch to the Hockey.

Monica: Why don't you just throw it out in the bin downstairs then?

Chandler: You say that huh?

Monica: Yes. Anyway I just like to make sure you are eating the five food groups at each meal.

Chandler: I know you do and I love you for it, I would just like to be able to help you make some decisions and also watch Hockey occassionly?

Monica: Oh, OK from now on I promise to talk to you before I make any decisions that concern both of us, and even though I don't like the violence in Hockey, you can watch it at Ross's from now on without having to look through the window.

Chandler: You know about that too? Is there anything you don't know. How about that I go over to Joeys to watch porn?

Monica: I did not know that!

Chandler: Oh.. well I don't really, we just …. talk and read books.

Monica: Ha, yes I'm sure!

(They hug as Rachel enters)

Rachel: Hi

Chandler: Hey

Monica: Hi

Rachel: Have you guys seen Ross? I had some garbled message on my machine. It sounded like he was either asking me out or to come and live with him?

Monica: That may have something to do with Ben.

Rachel: Oh the whole, why has mummy got a wife thing?

Chandler: OK fill me in?

Rachel: Apparently Ben wanted to know why mummy has a wife and daddy doesn't. So Ross is trying to find a way to show him a 'normal' relationship.

Chandler: Of course his father is the perfect role model for that, Mr Three Divorces.

Monica: I asked Ross if he wanted Ben to stay here next weekend. That way he can see that men and women do living together is also normal.

Rachel: Are you sure you two are the ones to show him a 'normal relationship'?

Chandler/Monica: (together) Hey, what does that mean?

Rachel: Oh un, I just thought that Ross would prefer a strong male role model, not Chandler.

Chandler: OK that’s it, I am not under the thumb. Monica get me a beer!

(Monica just stares at him) (Ross enters)

Ross: Hi guys.

Rachel: So you still looking for a date tonight?

Ross: No I talked to Carole and she doesn't think you and me on a date is going to help. Can't see why? Anyway thats why I'm here, Monica can Ben stay over next weekend?

Monica: Yes, sure he can, I'm sure we can show him something that resembles a so called normal relationship.

Rachel: (laughs then stops) Oh sorry you were serious.

Chandler: (to Monica) Hey, I thought we were going to make these decisions together?

Monica: OK, it is ok with you if Ben stays next weekend?

Chandler: Well let me think about it and I'll get back to you.

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: OK, he can stay.

Rachel: (sarcastically) Yeah, this going to work out just fine!

Ross: (to Rachel - hoping shes says no) So I guess the big date is off then?

Rachel: Looks that way. Oh well I'm going to get a coffee and watch Phoebe, anyone coming?

Monica: (Looks at Chandler) Ah no thanks we have… some washing to do!

Ross: No, I have to go and tell Carole that Ben can stay here. Seeya.


[Scene Six: Central Perk, Joey's on the couch having a coffee and Phoebe is on stage finishing of a song, Rachel walks in]

(In the background) Phoebe: and that’s why I like to swing in the trees, so I can see what a monkey sees.

Rachel: Hi Joey.

Joey: Hey Rach.

Rachel: What have you been doing?

Joey: Went to the Hockey and teased Chandler about being under the thumb!

Rachel: Huh me too, fun isn't it?

Joey: Yep, ssshh, Pheebs is on, I just requested Smelly Cat.

Phoebe: And now for my final number and one of my most requested (smiles at Joey) Smelly Cat.

(Phoebe starts to sing… Smelly Cat Smelly Cat…)

(Rachel starts to quietly sing along to the song - Phoebe notices this)

Phoebe: Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry everyone. Rachel Karen Green, did I see you lips moving along with my song?

Rachel: (embarrassed) Yeesss..I'm sorry its my favourite song.

Phoebe: Really?.. Well too bad, didn't I tell you that you can't sing with me?

Rachel: (meekly) Yes Pheebs.

Phoebe: OK now everyone… except Rachel… Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat what are they feeding you..

(Phoebe sees how sad Rachel is)

Phoebe: Wait, wait, wait, and now just Rachel.

Rachel: (cheering up) Smelly Cat Smelly cat its not your fault.

Phoebe: Now everyone.

(Everyone sings along to the end of the song)