The One With The Cigarette Smoking Man

Written by: Firestorm17

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

{First of all, as most of you probably have guessed, the title above is a reference to William B. Davis' character on the show "The X-Files". I just got back from vacation. Because of my vacation, this fanfic was written in Europe and is therefore very weird. I can assure you that the jokes are very funny, provided that one is severely jet-lagged, has been up all night, or has been staring at sheep out a train window for over an hour. However, under those circumstances, saying "Can we see Shamu while we're in Wales?" for the fourth time is also funny. I hope this fanfic will be funny to people who have not spent all day on trains as well.}

[The inside of a church that is filled with people. Chandler is standing at the altar, beaming. Ross and Joey are there as best men. "The Wedding March" plays, and Monica comes down the aisle in a beautiful wedding dress.]

MIN: Dearly beloved, we are gather here today to join Monica and Chandler in holy matrimony. If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, let them speak now or forever hold their peace. (Monica's parents stand up. She glares at them until they sit back down.) As there are no objections, I will continue. Repeat after me: I, Chandler, take thee Monica to be my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in joy and in sorrow, forsaking all other, until death parts us.

CHAN: I, Chandler, take thee Monica to be my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in joy and in sorrow, forsaking all others, until death parts us.

MIN: Repeat after me: I, Monica, take thee Chandler to be my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in joy and in sorrow, forsaking all others, until death parts us.

MON: I, Monica take thee Richard

[Chandler screams, and the scene cuts to Chandler's darkened bedroom. It was all a dream. Chandler has fallen out of bed. He reaches under the bed where Monica is still sleeping and finds something: a pack of cigarettes.]

Opening theme.

[Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is the only one there, and he's smoking. (Yes, I do know that he's always smokin'. I just mean that this time he's having a cigarette.) Robyn walks in.]

ROBYN: Chandler, are you in here? Everybody's waiting for you down- (She sees Chandler and his little carcinogenic friend and stops.)

CHAN: What?

ROBYN: Don't you have a vast global conspiracy you should be running?

CHAN: (He sighs.) All right, get on with it.

CHAN: Weren't you going to tell me how bad smoking is for me and how I should quit?

ROBYN: No, I was going to tell you to share the wealth. I haven't had one of these bad boys in a month. (Chandler hands her a cigarette and lights it for her. She takes a really long drag from the cigarette, and her voice gets low and dangerous.) Oh, yes. (She inhales again.) Oh, yes. (This continues in the tradition of "When Harry Met Sally", the Clairol commercials, etc. In the middle of it all, she collapses onto one of the chairs, unfortunately the one that already contains Chandler. That is unfortunate because the noise brings Monica over to investigate.)

MON: What the hell is going on in there?

CHAN: (He's afraid, very afraid, but he's had the presence of mind to hide his cigarette.) Monica! I thought you were down at the coffee shop.

MON: (She's trying to control her temper, which makes her speech vaguely reminiscent of "The Exorcist".) I just bet you did.

ROBYN: (She has no clue what Monica is so mad about.) Was I bothering you? I'm sorry. It's just been so long, and-

MON: That's no excuse. And you, Chandler. How could you? And with a friend even!

ROBYN: (She gets it.) Oh, you thought that Chandler and I were- (She bursts out laughing.) That wasn't for him. It was for this. (She holds up her "cancer stick" for inspection, and if possible, Chandler gets more scared.)

MON: Oh. What a relief! (She starts to leave and then stops.) Just don't smoke those things in front of Chandler. He used to have a really nasty smoking habit.

CHAN: Don't worry, honey. I quit smoking a long time ago. (He watches Monica leave.) Okay, you have to help me.

ROBYN: What?

CHAN: You heard Monica. I have to quit smoking. Come on; it'll be fun breaking our addictions together.

ROBYN: I'm not addicted.

CHAN: What?

ROBYN: I told you that was my first in a month. A month ago, it was my first in a year. You don't get addicted again from just one. (Chandler gives her a look.) Never mind; forgot who I was talking to.

CHAN: So will you help me?

ROBYN: Sure. (She turns to leave and then stops.) Oh, before I forget, some guy named Mulder was looking for you.

CHAN: Very funny.

ROBYN: Thanks, I try. (She leaves.)


[Central Perk. It's about fifteen minutes later. The whole gang is there, except for Phoebe. Robyn is in the middle of a story.]

ROBYN: So then I said, "Bill, come on. I know you're a Morrison fan, but you have to name your product something better than 'Doors'!" (Everybody laughs, and then Phoebe comes in the front door.)

ALL: Hey, Pheebs.

PHOEBE: Hi, you guys! (She comes over and sits with her friends.)

RACH: So, Phoebe, where have you been? We haven't seen you since Thanksgiving.

PHOEBE: Skiing in Vermont, duh! I only told you about a hundred times.

ROSS: Actually, Pheebs, this is the first we've heard about it.

PHOEBE: No, I'm sure- (She remembers.) Oh, right. I told my invisible friends all about it. (Everyone who is not currently Phoebe is a little creeped out by that.)

ROBYN: You have fun, Pheebs?

PHOEBE: Oh, yes. I went up there with this guy and he was so yummy. (pause) I said he was so yummy.

MON: That's nice, Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Okay, you're supposed to say "How yummy was he?"

ALL: (They're humoring her.) How yummy was he?

PHOEBE: He was so yummy that the whole time I was there, I only saw one mountain.

ROSS: You know, Phoebe; there is such a thing as oversharing.

ROBYN: Ignore him; I want to hear about this guy.

RACH: Yeah, Pheebs. Where'd you meet him?

PHOEBE: Oh, just around.

MON: What's he do?

PHOEBE: Stuff.

CHAN: Phoebe, this man is alive, right?

PHOEBE: Chandler, please. Like I'd go through that again.

ROBYN: You dated a dead guy?

PHOEBE: Hey! They prefer "living-impaired".

[Gunther comes in the front door and goes over to the employee area. He runs into an employee named Kyle, one of those guys who is trying to look like Lance Bass but is more of a Billy the Big-Mouth Bass. He's about twenty, a major suck-up, and dumber than George Dubya at a geography bee.]

KYLE: Hey, boss. How was the vay-cay?

GUN: It was amazing. I didn't leave my hotel room once.

KYLE: Why is that amazing?

GUN: Neither did my date.

KYLE: Righteous! Do I know the lucky babe? (pause) It is a babe, right? Because if it's a dude, that's cool too.

GUN: No, she's a girl all right.

KYLE: So what's she like, man?

GUN: She's beautiful. She's got this long blonde hair and these great blue eyes.

PHOEBE: (to her friends) He's blond. Kind of tall. Definitely commanding.

GUN: She's really special. She makes me feel like I can do anything.

PHOEBE: It's like he's what I've been looking for all my lives. He's just-

GUN: She's just-

BOTH: -perfect.

RACH: So when are we meeting this Mr. Wonderful?

PHOEBE: Oh, you're not.

MON: Why not?

PHOEBE: I just don't want you guys to tear him to shreds like you do with Monica's boyfriends.

CHAN: They've stopped doing that, Pheebs. I mean they didn't rip me up behind my back. Right, guys?

ROSS: So, Phoebe, where in Vermont did you go?

CHAN: I said, "Right, guys?"

RACH: (to Phoebe) Were you up by Canada?

CHAN: Guys?

[Robyn's living room. Robyn is sprawled over her couch reading a seriously trashy romance novel aloud, using strange voices for the dialogue.]

ROBYN: "My God," breathed Angelica, "My husband never kisses me like that." "Perhaps your husband cannot see you as the passionate woman I do, That is his loss," said Francesco, as he swept her up in yet another desirous kiss. (Someone knocks on her door.) Come in.

CHAN: Hey, Robyn. (He sees what she's reading.) Oh man, does everybody I know have to read that damn book?

ROBYN: Hey, I happen to like Mistress Bitch.

CHAN: So I noticed. Have you got them?

ROBYN: Right here. (She throws him what looks like an ordinary pack of cigarettes.) You smoke those, and I guarantee you will never want to look at another cigarette.

CHAN: (He's a little scared now.) All right. (He puts one of the cigarettes in his mouth.)

ROBYN: Uh-uh. Outside. Some of those little guys are fire hazards. (Chandler takes the cigarette out of his mouth and looks at it with great fear.) Go ahead. (He goes out on the balcony with his cigarette. Robyn continues to read her book. Chandler lights up. After a few puffs, the cigarette explodes.) Never fails.

CHAN: (He comes back in. He's fine, but a little shaken.) That wasn't funny.

ROBYN: Maybe you're right. (She pretends to consider this.) No, it's pretty funny.

[Central Perk. It's about noon. The friends are not there. Gunther is talking to Kyle.]

GUN: . . . and for your future reference, when the health inspector asks to see the Bunns, you are supposed to show her the coffee makers. (Phoebe comes in.)

PHOEBE: (She strokes the back of Gunther's neck.) Hello, you.

GUN: Hi, Pheebs. (His face gets a look that says "Brain Out to Lunch".) Okay, people, I'm taking lunch. Stacy, you're in charge. See you in an hour. You ready, Phoebe?

PHOEBE: You bet I am. (They kiss. Robyn walks in.)

ROBYN: (She coughs to get their attention without much success.) Ahem. Ahem. Hey, Phoebe, over here! (Phoebe and Gunther spring apart.)

GUN: Robyn! Phoebe and I were just- just-

PHOEBE: -practicing giving each other mouth-to-mouth.

ROBYN: Guys, you can drop the act. You're only fooling yourselves.

PHOEBE & GUN: What act?

ROBYN: This whole "platonic" thing you're doing. You don't have to pretend for my sake. I know he's your mystery guy.

PHOEBE: What are you talking about?

ROBYN: All right, here goes. Last week I walked in on you two making out on that couch.

GUN: All right, you caught us. Phoebe and I are seeing each other.

PHOEBE: Could you keep this to yourself though?

GUN: What do you mean by that?

PHOEBE: Nothing. It's just that having a really big secret like this is really exciting.

GUN: You got that right. (They both giggle, and then they kiss.)

ROBYN: Don't worry; I wasn't planning on telling anybody. (She goes up to the counter.) Double espresso to go, please.


[Robyn's apartment. Robyn is drinking her coffee. Chandler comes in.]

CHAN: Can I use your balcony again?

ROBYN: God, what's wrong with you? Everybody else who tried this quit after they got to the one with the ipecac.

CHAN: That reminds me; was that guy mad about what I did to his car?

ROBYN: No, not really.

CHAN: Good. So can I use your balcony now?

ROBYN: You know the drill. Up against the wall. (She frisks him, and unfortunately, Joey walks in in the middle of all.) Does this concern you?

JOEY: No. No, of course not. (He leaves quickly.)

ROBYN: (to Chandler) Okay, you're clean. No normal cigarettes. Go on out. (Chandler goes out on the balcony and starts on his cigarette. Robyn returns her attention to her coffee. After a few puffs, Chandler's eyebrows shoot up, and he rushes back inside, coughing and gagging.)

ROBYN: Something wrong, Chandler?

CHAN: (He's still coughing and wheezing.) Water!

ROBYN: (She goes to the sink and starts to fill a glass with water.) Which one was it? The jalepenos? (Chandler nods frantically.) Ouch. Here you go. (Chandler starts to drink the water.) Careful, you'll choke.

CHAN: (He finishes and tries to catch his breath.) Thank you.

ROBYN: (She's getting worried.) Maybe you should lie down.

CHAN: No. No, I'm okay. (He gives her the "okay" sign. Then, he collapses, causing her to have to catch him.) Maybe you're right.

ROBYN: Of course I'm right. Let's get you into the bedroom. (She helps him into her room. The camera pulls back to reveal a seriously horrified Joey standing in the doorway.)

[Monica, Rachel and Ross's apartment. Monica is sitting on the couch watching TV. Joey enters, looking upset.]

JOEY: Monica, I really need to talk to you.

MON: What about?

JOEY: That's just it. I can't tell you.

MON: Why not?

JOEY: I can't really tell you that either.

MON: All right, then. It's been nice not talking to you. (She gets up to leave.)

JOEY: Hey, come back here! I'm not done not talking to you!


["Ready, Set, Spaghetti", a ludicrously named Italian restaurant. Phoebe and Gunther are there for lunch. A waiter named Roberto is taking their order.]

ROB: Good afternoon, signore, signora. My name is Roberto, and I will be your server today. What would you like?

PHOEBE: (She points at Gunther.) I'd like an order of that, right here, right now. (She and Gunther both giggle.)

ROB: I meant to eat.

PHOEBE: So did I. (Phoebe and Gunther giggle again.)

ROB: (He sighs.) They don't pay me enough for this. I mean can I help you in some way?

GUN: Why don't you bring us the Ready Spaghetti for two. (to Phoebe) That way we can (He whispers something in Phoebe's ear. She giggles.)

[Time lapse. The waiter has brought the spaghetti and left. Phoebe and Gunther are doing that spaghetti thing from "Lady and the Tramp", but the spaghetti keeps breaking and getting spaghetti sauce on them. Then finally, they get it right. While they're kissing, another waiter comes into the dining area, leading another couple.]

WAIT: Right this way, Miss Green, Mr. Geller. (Phoebe and Gunther pull away from each other.)

[Robyn's bedroom. Chandler is lying in the bed, which happens to be one of those really big, not to mention romantic, four-posters, under the covers. Robyn is sitting on top of the covers, just talking to him. Author's note: Robyn is a much better friend than I am because if I had an opportunity like that, I'd have opened with "You must be suffocating in those heavy clothes; let's get them off of you," and gone on from there.]

ROBYN: You really shouldn't be doing this to yourself. No one ever kept at it this long.

CHAN: I know.

ROBYN: Then why don't you give up? Before you kill yourself.

CHAN: I can't. I have to do this. I have to quit, for Monica.

ROBYN: Wow. You must really love her.

CHAN: You're right. I do. (He leaves to continue the treatment, leaving Robyn alone with her thoughts.)


[The restaurant. Ross and Rachel have surprised Phoebe and Gunther on their date.]

RACH: Phoebe? Gunther? What are you guys doing here?

PHOEBE: We were here first. What are you doing here?

ROSS: We're here on a date. What are you here on?

GUN: Well, it's not a date if that's what you're thinking.

WAIT: If you guys are through with your little reunion here, would it be okay if I showed you to your seats?

RACH: Okay, that's be good. (The waiter leads Ross and Rachel away.)

PHOEBE: Now where were we? (She and Gunther start kissing again.)

ROSS: (He and Rachel are coming back but are still pretty far back. Rachel is walking in front.) Are you sure you dropped your purse over there, Rach?

RACH: I'm positive. That's the last place I remember having it with me. It couldn't just walk a- (She notices Phoebe and Gunther and breaks off.) Oh, my God. (She says this quietly enough as not to be heard by Phoebe and Gunther.)

ROSS: Rachel? What's wrong? Why are we stopping? Your- (He sees Phoebe and Gunther.) Oh, my God!

PHOEBE & GUN: (They turn to see what's making all the noise.) Oh, no.

[Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is trying to guess what Joey can't tell her.]

MON: Does it have anything to do with Phoebe and her secret boyfriend?


MON: Does it have anything to do with Ross and Rachel?


MON: Does it have anything to do with your job at "Laughing Out Loud"?

JOEY: Hell, no. Nothing's going on with that!

MON: All right, why can't you just tell me?

JOEY: Because I don't want to hurt you.

MON: If you don't tell me, I'll hurt you.

JOEY: Okay, here goes. I was downstairs looking for Robyn, and Chandler was there. They were both acting really weird. She was feeling him up, and when she saw me, she told me to get out. Anyway, when I came back to see what was going on, she had her arm around him, and she was taking him back to her bedroom.

MON: That bitch! I knew it!

JOEY: You did?

MON: I didn't know it know it, but I knew there was something going on. (pause) I'm going down there.

JOEY: Whoa, you're not going to do anything crazy, are you?

MON: Of course not. (Joey is noticeably relieved.) I'm just going to kill them. (She leaves.)

JOEY: (This sinks in.) Monica, wait! Monica! (He follows, trying to catch up.)

[Robyn's apartment. Chandler is on the balcony, smoking. Robyn is inside working. The door's open so that they can talk.]

ROBYN: Can I ask you something?

CHAN: Go ahead.

ROBYN: Since it upsets Monica so much, I have to wonder what possessed you to start smoking again in the first place.

CHAN: I don't know. I've just been under a lot of stress lately. Between seeing my father again and the problems I've been having with Joey- trust me; you're better off not knowing- I've been feeling like I'm about to snap.

ROBYN: So what was the last straw?

CHAN: I had this dream- nightmare, actually- where Monica and I were getting married.

ROBYN: That doesn't sound much like a nightmare.

CHAN: That wasn't the bad part. In the dream, we're standing at the altar. I've just promised to love her forever. It's her turn, and she calls me Richard!

ROBYN: Oh, like at Ross's wedding.

CHAN: Exactly.

ROBYN: I think I see your problem. You're worried about the wedding because you know so many people whose marriages blew up in their faces. Like your parents, or Ross, or, well, me.

CHAN: You're good at this.

ROBYN: Comes with experience. Look, I don't know the future any better than you do, but I do know that Monica loves you, not Richard.

CHAN: But you can't know that! You didn't see them together. (A truly horrible thought hits him, and he makes an odd sound.) Please tell me that you don't mean-

ROBYN: We ran into him at the pharmacy last Friday.

CHAN: (He's becoming a total wreck.) And?

ROBYN: And nothing. She told him you two are together. She didn't seem to feel anything about him except the major embarrassment. (Chandler raises an eyebrow.) When she told him she was with someone, he congratulated me.


ROBYN: And let me tell you: this stuff is starting to make me a little Sapphobic.

CHAN: Join the club.

ROBYN: (She pretends to be confused.) People mistake you for a lesbian too?

CHAN: Very funny.

ROBYN: I try. (Chandler turns his attention back to smoking.)

CHAN: Hey, Robyn?

ROBYN: Yeah?

CHAN: (He holds up his cigarette.) I think this one's defective. I've been smoking it for five minutes now, and it hasn't done anything to me.

ROBYN: That's weird. What does it taste like?

CHAN: It doesn't really taste like anything.

ROBYN: Oh. I must have missed one.

CHAN: That's nice. (He continues to smoke until a few seconds later when he rushes for the bathroom and locks himself in.)

ROBYN: Now I remember. That's phenolphthalein.

[Robyn goes back to her work only to be interrupted by a knock that continues until she answers it.]

ROBYN: Monica, hi.

MON: (She storms in, irate.) Where is he?

ROBYN: Won't you come in?

MON: Where is he?

ROBYN: And the Broken Record Award goes to . . . (Monica glares at her.) All right, all right. Who are we talking about?

MON: You know damn well who we're talking about! Now where the hell is Chandler?

ROBYN: Oh, you mean Chandler. He's in the bathroom. He wasn't feeling very well.

MON: (She's really steamed now.) Oh, I'll bet he wasn't.

ROBYN: Monica? Is something wrong?

MON: "Is something wrong?" You're in here playing doctor with my boyfriend, and you ask me if there's something wrong?

ROBYN: What?

MON: You heard me.

ROBYN: Monica, I assure you that I am not playing doctor with Chandler. More like Surgeon General.

MON: It's supposed to reassure me that all you've been doing is reaching out and touching someone?

ROBYN: What? (She gets it.) Ew, no! That's not what I meant.

MON: Then what did you mean?

ROBYN: Chandler's probably going to kill me for telling you this, but I've been helping him quit smoking.

MON: Smoking? As in cigarettes?

ROBYN: Yeah, he started up again, and he wanted to stop before it upset you.

MON: Filthy, disgusting, not to mention addictive cigarettes?

ROBYN: Afraid so.

MON: Oh, thank God.

CHAN: (He comes out of the bathroom.) All right, Robyn. You win. After the day I've had, I never want to see another cigarette again. Oh, hi, Monica. (to Robyn) You can have these back, and while we're on the subject, you probably need to register some of them as lethal weapons. (beat) The kind without Mel Gibson. (Chandler stops, backtracks in his mind, and turns to face Monica.) Monica? (Monica nods.) Mon, please let me explain.

MON: There's nothing to explain. (For just a second, Chandler looks completely crushed. This lasts until Monica gives him a rather long kiss.)

ROBYN: Ahem. Hello? Could you guys get a room? As in somewhere I don't live? Hello? Anybody in there? (She looks at the pack of cigarettes in her hand and goes out on the balcony, off camera. A few seconds later, one of the cigarettes explodes. Monica and Chandler don't even notice.)

[Central Perk. It's an hour or so later. Monica, Chandler, Robyn and Joey are there.]

JOEY: So is everything fine between you guys?

CHAN: Absolutely. (He gives Monica a quick kiss.)

ROBYN: That reminds me; Mon, you have to help me wash those sheets, (beat) and shampoo the carpets, (beat) and get the couch cushions cleaned. (She thinks about what she just said.) God, Chandler, you a machine or something? (Chandler turns very red. Monica is already red. The very awkward silence is made worse by the arrival of Ross, Rachel and Phoebe.) Hey, where have you guys been all day?

ROSS & RACH: (phony casual, in unison) Out.

ROBYN: Informative.

JOEY: How about you, Pheebs?

PHOEBE: I was . . . out too.

ROBYN: You guys run into each other out there?


ROSS: (rather mechanically) No, nothing happened. I had lunch with Rachel; that is all. Right, Rach?

RACH: (in much the same way) That's right. Ross and I had a nice, normal date. Nothing else.

ROBYN: (humorously mechanically) I can't let you do that, Dave. (Everybody looks at her like she's gone insane.) Sorry, I thought that was what we were doing.


[Teaser: the bathroom of the boys' apartment. The shot is in black and white. Chandler enters, wearing a bathrobe, and closes the door. Then, the little bathrobe slips to the floor. Unfortunately, the camera goes with it to show Chandler's feet stepping into the shower. Then, the camera cuts to his hand closing the shower curtain. The shower starts up, in close-up. The camera pulls back to show the steaming hot water pouring through Chandler's hair and down his chest. My, what a fun image. He turns around so that the water runs down his back. Up until this point, the scene has been simply voyeuristic; now the ominous music starts. A few moments later, the shower curtain pulls back from without. The music is now recognizable as the theme from "Psycho". However, instead of the traditional transvestite lunatic with a knife, the intruder outside the shower is an outsize pack of cigarettes, about the size of those humidors they have on some shows. This is Chandler's cue to scream as he is attacked by one of the giant cigarettes, which stabs at him like a knife. The prerequisite ending of "chocolate syrup" running down the drain is interrupted by someone saying Chandler's name. Chandler wakes up to find himself on the couch with Monica, in living color.]

MON: Chandler, wake up. You missed it.

CHAN: What? Oh, I'm sorry. I must have dozed off.

MON: I understand. It's getting pretty late. Want to turn this thing off and call it a night?

CHAN: I don't know. . .

ANNCR: (The announcer is a woman who is trying to look like an upbeat Elvira.) You're just seen a masterpiece from the Master of Suspense, Alfred Hitchcock's original "Psycho". Now stay tuned to this station for the 1996 blockbuster from award-winning director Wes Craven, "Scream".

CHAN: (He considers the possibility of seeing a pack of cigarettes in a Scream mask.) On second thought, let's go to bed. (He switches off the TV.)