The One With The Cute Bank Robber

Written by: Nibbler and Toasty

This takes into account all episodes up to TOW the inappropriate sister. (Written by Nibbler and Toasty ((c) 1999 NFR) Friends and associated entities (c) Bright, Kaufmann, Krane/Warner Brothers

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<Scene> Monica and Rachel, Ross and Chandler standing in a bank queue, with various people around.

<Ross> I told you at the time, that account was a bad idea...

<Chandler> This from the guy who put $100 in to start it because of that babe of a teller!

<Ross> Hey! You wanted to quit the gym!!! And I want my 100 bucks back.

<Monica> Stop it you two!

<Ross> <feebly> He wanted to quit the gym!

<They get to the front of the queue, and Rachel stares at a guy in the next line>

<Rachel> Hey mon! Look at him!

<He looks up and smiles at Rachel, she smiles and turns, embarrassed>

<Monica> Wow! Is he cute or what?!

<Chandler and Ross turn and look>

<Chandler> you're damned right he is!

<All look at chandler with "What the?" looks>

<Chandler> Ahhhh! <Beat> Its in the genes, sorry. <Does that "ah - my ass" you know the one> <to himself> Damn you dad!

<Monica> Go over and ask him for a date!

<Ross looks upset>

<Rachel> No! I'm not just going to ask some guy who happens to be cute... (Beat) very cute (beat) no I couldn't possib... Okay! I will!

<Rachel walks up and starts talking, but we can't hear what's being said. After about 5 seconds she walks back over>

<Monica> Well?

<Rachel> He said he'd call me about dinner, but he had to see how today went before he made plans.

<Ross> <trying to stop her> Are you sure you want to date this guy?, that sounded a bit weird.

<CBR> <the same guy Rachel just asked out> Everybody down! This is a hold up!

<They all hit the deck>

<Chandler> (whispered) Welcome to Oprah! Today, bank robbers and the women who date them!!!

<Rachel glares at him>

<Opening titles>

<Fade to the same scene the CBR is holding the stereotypical bag and getting tellers to fill it with cash>

<All whispered> <Rachel> Oh god, I just asked a bank robber out on a date!! What was I thinking?!?!?

<Chandler> We all know you like a rich guy.

<Rachel hits him on the arm, but gently>

<Monica> Hon, you had no idea, don't freak out. It could happen to anybody.

<Bank Robber> HEY! I thought I told you all to SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

<Monica> But it just happened to happen to us.

<All glare at Monica>

<The scene switches to a dark HALLWAY. Joey, in his dressing gown, is speaking to his agent)

<Joey> (Extremely worried and nervous) Estelle...I...I...

<Estelle, stubbing out a cigarette> What is it, Tribbiani? Not copping out, are ya? I told you a fortnight ago this was all I had for you. You fit the part. Any way what's the problem you have a boyfriend don't you???

<Joey> I just..I dunno..well.. HEY! I'm not... you know, neither he! We're just roomies!!!

<Estelle> <opening a packet of cigarettes> <shrugs> Oh dear I AM out of touch,

<Joey> I, I mean what if I can't make this thing work? I need the money desperately, but it's, let's just say, well, not my ideal script.

<Estelle lighting a second, blowing the smoke in Joey's face, he winces> Listen, listen, Joey... (Grabbing him by the balls <off shot>. Joey winces in pain. As if suddenly remembering something, she relinquishes her grip. Joey wheezes with a mixture of relief and pain) sorry, sorry...anyway, I'd just like you to picture your father.

<Joey> (Closing his eyes, with noticeable distress) No, Estelle, no...don't do this...

<Estelle> (Talking over him, as he continually protests) Now, just picture him after those nasty, horrible Sicilian men have gotten hold of, do you know what I see? I see...(pushing each finger into her palm in turn) one little piggy going to market...(Joey's protests increase in volume) this little piggy NOT staying home, this little piggy BECOMING roast beef...(she stops, with a puzzled look crossing her face. She shakes it off.)This one needs to (with slow emphasis) BRING HOME THE BACON...or this one (holds up her smallest finger)...THIS ONE, goes to the morgue.

<Joey> (Finally cracking) NO! YOU SHUT UP NOW! (Calming down slightly) I just...don't think I can go through with this...

<Estelle> Now, your father needs the money by Tuesday. And today is...hmmm...MONDAY. What other way can you think of to get the money? Huh?

<Joey> Uhh...sell my body to medical science? (Estelle fixes him with a doubting stare) Oh, all right, already! I'll go through with it, O.K!?! (He turns and enters the adjacent room)

<Inside the room, there are three men: one wearing tight jeans, a tee shirt, a baseball cap, and holds a hand-held camera. Another wears similar clothes, and holds a lighting rig (others are set up around the room, dimly lit), whilst the last one wears scanty leathers>

<Director> (In bizarre, camp yet rugged tone of voice) Has the (sarcastic) STAR finished throwing his tantrum? Is he ready to film now? Well??

<Joey> (Gulps, as his eyes scan the room: there is a similar bedspread + candles setup as featured in TOW Ross' Sandwich) Oh, God. (Gulps again) Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts, think LADY thoughts...

<He undoes dressing gown and we see OTS to the other cast of the film, who start smiling>

<Meanwhile, back at the bank>

<Same as before>

<CBR> Right, you two get up, <pointing at Monica and chandler>

<Chandler> Uh oh...

<CBR> You! Funny boy, stand over there.

<Chandler goes to move, Monica holds him just in front of her to the side>

<Monica> I'm not letting you push us around, you have the money so just get lost and let us go

<CBR> Don't push me! I've used this before, (waves gun about) and I ain't afraid to do it again!!!

<Ross and Rachel look worried>


<Chandler turns back to CBR and Monica holds him still>

<Monica> NO!!

<CBR> Have it your way!! <(slo-mo) he fires gun at the pair, chandler turns, steps in front, slightly side on to the robber and goes flying over a wooden cubicle around a desk, Monica screams, R+R run to help the downed chandler>

<Commercial Break>

<Scene: the bank, the robber has fled, police are there taking statements and chandler is face down on the floor with Monica beside him holding his hand two paramedics are tending Chandler, but below his waist is out of shot.>


<Monica> I can't believe you took a bullet for me!!

<Chandler> Well, you still have my CD's. And my shaver.

<Monica looks slightly embarrassed at the last item. Chandler has a horrible thought about its use for a second> God I love you so much!! <She kisses him. R+R look on in confusion Chandler and Monica stop and look at R+R>

<Monica> we were going to tell you, but we've been seeing each other for a while. We just wanted to keep it low key.

<Rachel> so you wait for him to get shot.

<Rachel> That's so cute! You make a wonderful couple!!! <beat> Damn! I owe feebs 5 bucks!

<Monica> You had a bet!?!?

<Rachel> Oh, phoebe and me were talking about it when you went to London, about who we liked and stuff.

<Ross> Who did I get?

<Rachel looks very embarrassed and tries to avoid eye contact>

<Monica> I can't believe you did that. <Beat> though at least you got it right

<Chandler> Guy with a bullet wound here!!

<All stop and focus on chandler>

<Para #1> Its only a BB gun, and we got it out already. You can go home after we put a dressing on. Just rest it for 2 weeks and you'll be fine. Wanna keep the pellet??

<Chandler> Oh yes, and Joey can add it to his small yet painful to the body items collection.

<Rachel> So he kept the kidney stones then?

<Chandler> Oh yes! He puts them in his nostrils and blows them at the dart board when he's bored.

<Ross> Ewww!! I was looking at them yesterday!!!!

<Cut to: the porno studio> OTS shot of an apartment front door. Dimly lit by candlelight. Knock at the door. It opens. It's Joey.

<Joey dressed in a mechanics overall (as character, but nervous as hell)> Hi. Did you ask for the super?

<Male voice, of the actor with his back to us we'll call them John, Paul and George for the hell of it.> Yeah, my waters running cold. Could you fix it???

<Joey> No problem. <He walks through the door, looking semi pushed by someone behind him. He sees two more people in the apartment on the sofa. > Oh! I'll keep it down.

<Paul> Don't worry. We're just having a few drinks. How about you join us before you get to work?

<George + John move so there's a space on the sofa between them in which Joey sits down, and they both put an arm behind him. Joey looks VERY scared...>

<Paul> Whaddya want?

<Joey> (out of character) <eyes wide, looking like he would rather be 1000 miles away> errr! Oh. Somebody I... I mean thing straight. <Pleading pitifully> Please. <All three glare at him with, since this is NOT the line he should have said>

<George blows gently in Joey's ear. Paul gives him a glass. John sticks his tongue in Joey's other ear. Joey half spills his whisky. Both put their hands on a thigh each. Joey screams. jumps up. Runs towards the camera, eyes wide. Collides with it, we see it go over backwards to rest on Paul's horrified face.

Shot: Estelle, cigarette in mouth, mobile phone in hand. Door just by here flies open, Joey runs past, still screaming.

Estelle: hold on baby, I just got an opening for you. Can you be in the village in an hour?

<Scene> The girls apartment. Joey and Phoebe and the babies are there. Door opens to admit the others. Ross and Monica are half carrying Chandler.

<R, R, M> Hey.

<Chandler> Heyaaaaahh!! Ross! That hurt!.

<Phoebe <to chandler> What happened to you??

<Chandler> Well, I went to close a bank account, and then I get shot.

<Phoebe gasps>

<Joey <totally innocently> What? I knew they were tough on closing accounts but man! That is just too far!

<Ross <carrying chandler over to the sofa> we got caught in a robbery. Chandler ended up taking the bullet for Monica.

<Chandler blushes a bit> It was a BB gun, Ross. <Beat> <looking for a bit of sympathy> but it still hurt.

<Monica> <to chandler> You were brilliant. I love you.

<Chandler> I love you too.

<They kiss>

<Ross> Oh, feebs, they also took the opportunity of the romantic moment to tell us they were dating too.

<Rachel hands Phoebe a bank note>

<Rachel> anyone feel like a walk?

<Chandler> No, thanks. I think I might just imagine what it's like to walk normally though.

<Phoebe, Joey and Monica all shake their heads>

<Monica> I think I've had a bit too much excitement for one day.

<Ross> Yeah. I want to get some pizza or something.

<Shot changes to hallway between the apartments Girls door opens R+R walk through.>

<Rachel> I still can't believe what chandler did today. He must love Monica a lot.

<Ross> Humph? Yeah. Y'know, I would have done the same for you.

<Rachel a little stunned> What?

<Ross> Huh? Yeah. You mean a lot to me. I mean you all do, but. I, er. Erm. I...

<Rachel> <walking slowly closer> What?

<Ross> Well. It's just. I. I still. <Beat> no. its as crazy now as when you said it to me.

<Rachel> <knows what he wants to say but want him to say it> What?

<Ross> I still love you. The whole name thing. I loved Emily too, don't get me wrong, but I just imagined you up there with me. And it just felt so... wrong to me, that it wasn't you. <Rachel kisses him mid-emotional leak>

<We fade to black in silence>

<Scene: The girl's apartment. All except R+R are there. Knock at the door. Monica answers it. Its Mr. Treeger.>

<Monica> Hi.

<MT> Your shower running cold? I'll have a quick look. <Joey looks panicked> Oh hi guy's. <to Monica> Not disturbing you am I?

<Monica> No, do you want a drink?

<MT> Oh! If you're offering, yes please! <Joey looks just as scared as he did earlier. If not more.>

<Monica> Sit down if you want. <MT sits next to Joey> <to Joey> So how you doing? <He slaps him gently on the thigh Joey screams and runs for the door, past Monica and into the hall. We hear a loud crash, and Joey's yelling abruptly stops. They all run (or in chandlers case hobbles) to the door. Joey has taken the door off the hinges and is sprawled semi-conscious, mumbling something over the door, which is on the floor of the kitchen area.

<Chandler> I guess I left the door locked.

<Da da dadada da da da dada daaaaa>