THE ONE WITH THE CRUISE (PART 1)
By: Rodney Hrvatin
Jennifer Aniston Rachel Green
Courtney Cox Monica Geller
Lisa Kudrow ..Phoebe Buffay
Matthew Perry Chandler Bing
Matt Le Blanc Joey Tribbiani
David Schwimmer .Ross Geller
Robert Urich Captain Jim Kennedy III
Joan Severance Security Chief Camille Hunter
Corey Parker Dr. John Morgan
Stacey Travis Cruise Director Suzanne Zimmerman
Phil Morris ..Chief Purser Will Sanders
Randy Vasquez Bar Manager Paolo Kaire
Kyle Howard ..Danny Kennedy
AUTHORS NOTE: This story takes place early in Season 5 of "Friends" and in the first season of "The Love Boat: The Next Wave".
Scene: Monica and Rachels. The door to Monicas opens. Monica pops her head out and looks around. She returns inside to her room. Pause. Chandler pops his head out and looks around. He then steps out of the room wearing a towel and fluffy pink slippers. He starts to walk to the bathroom when he spies a magazine on the table. As he bends down to pick it up his towel falls off (tastefully shot I might add). Rachel enters from her room and sees the scene. Chandler jumps up and turns to face Rachel. Looong pause.
Chandler: OK- now youve seen it. Happy?
Rachel: It looks like a penis- only smaller.
(Chandler runs out of the room into bathroom)
Scene: As before. Chandler, now fully dressed, is not happy. Monica walks in from room.
Monica: (acting surprised)Oh Chandler what are you doing here?
Chandler: Just watching some TV.
Rachel: Yeah- "The Flash".
Chandler: For your information miss desperate and dateless it wasnt the flash.
Rachel: Desperate and dateless??? Oooooh that really stings from mister havent had a girlfriend for over 12 months.
Chandler: (grinding teeth) Oh yeah- forgot about that!
Monica: Is it my imagination or are you two about to appear on Judge Joe Brown?
Chandler: SHE SAW MY PEE PEE!!!
Rachel: Yeah well- you saw my boobies first. Revenge is so VERY sweet.
Chandler: That was FIVE years ago. Boobies change. How do I know how they look like now? Youre gonna have to show me them again. COME ON NOW!!!!!!
Joey: (entering very fast) Whooooa not without me you dont. (He hastily sits down on the sofa facing Rachel. Now relaxed.) You may proceed.
Rachel: (staring in disbelief at Joey) Were you eavesdropping again?
Joey: No man, I gave that up. Some people dont like it. I just heard the shout.
Ross: (entering carrying a glass and some mail) Hey guys, why was this glass left outside your door? (The other three stare at Joey)
Joey: (very uneasy) Uuuh . It was a relapse.
Monica: Is that our mail?
Ross: Uuuh yeah. But this one is for me. Its my tickets for the conference.
Rachel: Conference?? What conference?
Ross: Well after my incident with the sandwich the museum thought it would be good to send me away to a conference which just happens to be on the Sun Princess going to the Bahamas. Pretty cool huh?
Monica: You said tickets Ross. How many?
Ross: Well thats the thing you see. Ive got two so I thought I might ask you Mon if you wanted to go?
Monica: (stunned) Wha wha meee? Wow. Gee. Gosh..I uh
Chandler: Oh just say yes. You know you wanna.
Monica: Are you sure?
Rachel: (puzzled) Why are you asking him for?
Monica: Becaaause..uh Chandler needs me to .wash..his underwear.
Chandler: (embarrassed) and then the Earth swallowed me whole.
Phoebe: (entering) Well hello land lubbers. Youll never guess where IM going!!
Joey: The Sun Princess?
Phoebe: (not impressed) OK, yes you little smarty pants- Ive been offered a part-time job massaging. And the best part is.. I GET TO BRING THREE FRIENDS!!!! (she starts jumping up and down like a maniac. She then stops abruptly and regains composure) So who wants to come. Ross? Monica?
Ross: Uuuh Pheebs were already going.
Phoebe: Oh..phew..that was easy then.
(Scene: Lobby of the Sun Princess. Chief Purser Will Sanders is greeting passengers. Ross and Monica enter first. Ross shows the ticket to Sanders.)
Sanders: Welcome aboard Mr. Geller. The conference begins tomorrow. Youll find an itinerary on your bed. Enjoy your cruise.
Ross: Thanks. Uuh. This is my sister Monica. You do have the separate room?
Sanders: Well good news bad news Im afraid. We had another room but unfortunately the one with the double bed and spa you requested was taken. There was only a single cabin. Sorry about that Ms. Geller.
Monica: (laughing to cover up) Ha ha ha haaaa. Very funny you! Now what would I need with a double bed and spa. You crack me up. (playfully punches Sanders in the arm) Uuh. Ross why dont you go and check the rooms? (Ross nods and heads off. Monica continues laughing until Ross disappears. She stops abruptly and grabs Sanders by the collar) Now you listen to me sailor boy- I want that spa and bed as soon as you can. UNDERSTAND???
Sanders: Uuuuh yes maam. (Monica pats him on the shoulder and walks off. Sanders straightens himself up)
(Scene- another section of the lobby. Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler and Joey are all dressed up in holiday gear. Joey especially is wearing very loud holiday clothes. Something like a reject from Weekend At Bernies)
Phoebe: Im told to meet the cruise director here.
Joey: Bet you wish you were single huh Chandler??? Look at all the beautiful broads on this place. We do have separate rooms right?
Chandler: (very quickly) Oh yeah. Uuh Joey..ixnay on the singleay.
Chandler: I AM single you dolt!!
Joey: (wide-eyed in realisation) Oooooohhhhhh yeah. Absolutely man. Absolutely.
(Cruise Director Suzanne Zimmerman enters and shakes hands with Phoebe)
Zimmerman: Welcome aboard Ms. Buffay. Your quarters for you and your friends are all ready. Ill show to your office. Do you have any questions?
Phoebe: So do many cute guys come here? (Captain Jim Kennedy comes up)
Kennedy: Ms. Zimmerman. When youre done can you please see me on the bridge?
Zimmerman: Yes sir. Oh Captain this is Phoebe Buffay. Shes filling in for Raquel while shes in hospital.
Kennedy: (shaking hands) Nice to meet you Ms. Buffay.
Phoebe: Uh-huh. (Kennedy walks away.)
Rachel: Does that answer your question?
Zimmerman: Miss Buffay. If youll follow me.
Chandler: Oh yeah- weve lost her.
Rachel: You guys- isnt this great? I think were gonna have a great time. A chance for everyone to forget their problems.
(The four walk off following Zimmerman. As the group disappears a familiar face appears entering the lobby. Emily.)
(Scene- Deck of the Sun Princess. The boat is now out to sea. Chandler and Rachel are walking along the deck.)
Chandler: You know, I could just rip your bikini off right here and now. Then it would all be over.
Rachel: (annoyed) Oh puhleese Chandler. Will you stop with this already. I dont know if this is some sick fantasy of yours or..or or..what. I mean, if you asked Monica to show you her boobies do you think SHE would? (Chandler bites tongue and then slowly, and forcibly shakes his head) Of course not. I am not starting this again.
Chandler: Well you ask any guy and they will tell you that you owe me. Go on- ask the next guy that comes around the corner. (As if on a well-timed cue a small figure in an orange hood comes running up and runs into Chandler) Whoa little fella. Whats youre name?
Little fella: Mrhpmhp phrmp
Rachel: Well .uuuh- arent you hot in that hood?
Little fella: Mrpphm mhmprhp h phprh hrhpm phmppr
(Chandler and Rachel look shocked)
Chandler: Wow- these young kids sure learn a lot in school these days. So can I ask you a question?
Rachel: Chandler- dont!
Chandler: This girl here saw my pee pee. Do you think I should see her boobies in return.
Little fella: Mrpphm mhmprh mhprh hhrmphm hrpmmh mhprhh mhprrh hrpmm hmprhh mhhprh
Chandler: ..and where exactly would THAT be located?
(Suddenly security chief Camille Hunter enters. She picks up the little kid who starts yelling a lot)
Hunter: Okaaaaay Kenny, back to the lower decks with you. Im sorry about this people. These economy people have NO idea how to behave. You should see his fat little friend.
Rachel: Thats fine. I think we learnt a whole lot from that conversation. Never visit Colorado for a start.
Hunter: Good idea. Enjoy your trip. Oh and by the way sir- she dont owe you her boobies.
Chandler: Yes she do. YES SHE DO!!!!
(Hunter leaves. Rachel turns to Chandler)
Rachel: Im going back to my quarters now. Dont try and watch me in the shower.
(she walks off leaving Chandler alone)
Chandler: (calling after her) I said I was sorry last time!!
(Scene: Another deck. Ross is sunbathing with Joey and Monica. Paolo approaches)
Paolo: Greetings can I offer you a drink people?
Joey: I would love a beer. Whatever kind ya got.
Paolo: We have several varieties. What price range are you looking at?
Joey: Whatever- Ross is paying. (points to an unimpressed Ross)
Ross: Why thank you. Monica, are you ok for a drink?
Monica: Yup. Im holding out for the champagne tonight.(Paolo nods and walks away)
Ross: Well..uh.. about tonight. I found out that the function tonight to welcome people to the conference is for conference personnel only. But I have got you and Joey a table booked for tonight.
Monica: What about Chandler and Pheebs?
Ross: Oh I got them another table. (looks at watch) Speaking of which I had better make sure I get some sleep before tonight. I feel really good about this cruise. Ya know for once I feel happy I havent felt this good since..well since
Monica: Yeah- we know. (pats him on the back. Ross walks off)
Joey: Hey Mon- should I try and sneak Rachel onto our table?
Monica: Hey Joey- heres an idea- why dont you have dinner with Pheebs and Rachel and Ill have dinner with Chandler?
Joey: Oh yeah- forgot about that. You know Mon this is stupid. Tell them for crying out loud. I hate this covering up. I mean we may as well use this trip to spread some good news.
Monica: Youre right Joey. Ill talk to Chandler about it. Tonight. Over dinner. Alone.
Joey: You tryin to tell me something?
Monica: Yeah- If I see your face at dinner tonight Im gonna make you eat through a straw.
Joey: Ok.Ok. (motions to Zimmerman) Excuse me miss?
Joey: Do you guys show movies at all?
Zimmerman: Why yes we do. Tonight our double feature is "Ed" followed by "Lost In Space" (walks away)
Joey: Oh great. That guy is a total dork.
(Scene: Later that night. A hallway. Phoebe steps out of one room. She is all dressed up. She walks to Rachels door and knocks)
Rachel: (opening door) Hey Pheebs. How was your day?
Phoebe: Rachel it was so amazing. I have never massaged so many people in one day. I think my advertising slogan worked well.
Rachel: What was it?
Phoebe: Well I thought that I wouldnt charge today so people would try me out and I thought I would do you know like gentle rubs so I made the sign saying "Come to Phoebe. For today Im cheap and easy". Men were just lined up.
Rachel: Oooh I bet they were. I bet they (Suddenly notices a small hole just beyond the door. She looks in and sees her bathroom. She scowls and starts pounding on a door) Chandler..CHANDLERRRRRR!!!!
Chandler: (opening door) What?
Rachel: (pointing to wall) What did I tell you?
Chandler: Now how did that get there? Id complain to the manager about that. Someone might just peep in there and see your boobies.
Rachel: Oooooh (slams door on Chandler. We hear the sound of a body hitting a floor.)
Chandler: (from behind door) OK that really hurt Rachel.
Rachel: GOOD!! (turning to Phoebe) Ok Pheebs Im just gonna freshen up a bit. Ill join you in a moment.
Phoebe: Ok- but you might wanna seal that hole first.
(Scene: Ross room. Ross is wearing a tuxedo and about to leave when there is a knock on the door. Ross opens it to reveal Danny Kennedy)
Danny: Excuse me Mr. Geller but may I ask you a question?
Ross: Only if I can ask one first! Who are you?
Danny: Oh. Danny Kennedy. Captains son. Nice to meet you (shakes hands) Youre Monicas brother arent you?
Ross: Thats right.
Danny: And shes in the cabin on your right?
Ross: So far so good.
Danny: Its just that I noticed your wife was in the cabin on your left.
Ross: Wife?? I dont have a..well I do but..I mean .excuse me (rushes past Danny and knocks on the door. The door opens. Its Emily) You?
Emily: Ross? What are you doing here?
(Scene: Dining Room. Joey, Phoebe and Rachel are having dinner)
Joey: I cant believe Chandler would do that. He really put a hole in your wall? Man that is so cool. Why didnt I think of that?
Rachel: Maybe you want to live? (Joey shuts up)
Phoebe: That is so William Baldwin. You know- like in Sliver?
Joey: Now why cant they show THAT film tonight?
Phoebe: Uuugh I know. Tomorrow theyre showing Romy and Micheles High School Reunion. Whoopee (said in a sarcastic tone).
Rachel: Im getting a drink. Ill be right back.
(She walks over to the bar. Paolo waves to her from behind the bar)
Paolo: Well. How are we tonight Miss Green? Ok?
Rachel: Oh yeah- just great. Youll excuse me if Im a little nervy around you. I used to date an Italian guy called Paolo. He felt my friend over there and well that kinda sunk the relationship. (Thinks about that for a moment) I need something with kick. But not too strong.
Paolo: Ok. I have just the thing coming up (turns his back and starts mixing drinks).
Voice from behind: Excuse me. Can I buy you a drink?
(Rachel turns around and gasps.)
Rachel: Oh hell .
Barry: What?? No hug?
Rachel: (Long pause. Not taking her eyes off Barry)Uuuuh Paolo- whatever it is youre mixing back there- make it a triple!
(Scene: The hallway outside of Rachels room from before. Chandler walks out of his room and turns to lock the door. He is now sporting a band-aid on his nose. He closes the door and locks it. The sound of another door locking is heard from nearby. He turns and then stops stone cold)
Chandler: Oh my God!
Janice: Oh-my- God. Chandler???? I thought you were in Yemen.
Chandler: Well I .was I mean to say I .(rolls up his eyes and falls over)
TO BE CONTINUED
(Scene: Courtroom of Judge Joe Brown. Rachel is the Plaintiff. Chandler is the defendant)
Judge: Now you say here in your response sir that she owed you a look at her boobies is that right?
Chandler: That is true your honour.
Judge: And what makes you think that? She already showed them to you five years ago.
Chandler: Boobies can change in five years Your Honour. Just ask Pamela Anderson or Anna Nicole Smith.
Rachel: Objection your honour. I have not had implants.
Chandler: But how do I know that? You could be covering up! Your honour I have a witness here.
Judge: And who would you be sir.
Ross: Uuuh. Ross Geller.. I went out with her for a year.
Judge: And what do you have to say about all this?
Ross: Well uhhh. Over the year we dated I did notice several changes in her boobies..
Monica: (jumping up from Rachels side) WHAT??? That is so much crap Ross. You havent seen her boobies for over a year now.
Phoebe: (sitting above the courtroom facing camera. Speaking low and soft.) Well it appears that there is strong evidence to suggest that the plaintiff should in fact show her boobies. The defendant has bought a former boyfriend along to testify that over the time they dated her boobies changed. The witness for the plaintiff argues that the witness for the defence is talking crap. Lets go see what the Judge has to say ..
Judge: (banging gavel and silencing crowd) Order. It appears to me that changes have occurred since the original incident took place. I find that the plaintiff should show her boobies to the defendant. Mr. Tribbiani would you help the plaintiff remove her top?
Joey: (dressed like bailiff and grinning from ear to ear) Oh man- I so would!!! (walk towards Rachel. Suddenly )
(Scene: Sick Bay. Doctor John Morgan is standing over Chandler who has just woken up)
Doctor: Mr Bing. Are you OK?
(Chandler looks around and slowly raises himself to his feet. He starts walking out)
Chandler: Even in my sleep I deserve it.
Copyright 1999 Rodney Hrvatin