THE ONE WITH BRIAN
by Violet
Before you start......no I don’t think any of this could EVER happen. I just thought it would make an interesting story!
TEASER.
SCENE. CHANDLERS OFFICE. CHANDLER HAS BEEN WORKING LATE. BRIAN ENTERS.
Brian : Hey, Chandler. Here’s the last numbers for this week.
Chandler : Thanks. Y’know, I just can’t sleep unless I know the WENUS is working right.
Brian : Seriously?
Chandler : STARES HARD AT BRIAN No......
Brian : Oh right, joke! So I guess I’ll be leaving now. DOESN’T MOVE
Chandler : Y’know....for most people that does require using the door!
Brian : Um, would you like to go for a drink or something?.....as friends!
Chandler : Sure...why not?
Brian : Great!
CUT TO LATER AT A BAR. BRIAN SEEMS SOBER WHILE CHANDLER VERY DRUNK
Chandler : I’m not drunk......I could walk in a straight line! I never get drunk..... ‘cept at parties. But no one ever invites me. Its so depressing! PAUSE I’m gonna drink some more.
Brian : GRABS CHANDLERS ARM I think you’ve had enough.
Chandler : BEAT One more?
BRIAN LEANS OVER AND KISSES CHANDLER
Chandler : Wo, wo , woah! I’m, I’m, I’m not, n-not gay. Not gay!
BRIAN KISSES HIM AGAIN BUT THIS TIME CHANDLER DOES NOT PULL AWAY
OPENING CREDITS
SCENE. CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT. CHANDLER IS SITTING BY THE TABLE. MONICA ENTERS
Monica : Hey Chandler! Where were you last night? We were meant to go and see In&Out, remember?
Chandler : USHERING HER OUT I completely forgot. I’m really sorry. We’ll do it again sometime. Bye!
Monica : What are you doing?
Chandler : I just need some alone time.
Monica : No, really? Did you find someone last night?
Chandler : No! No I didn’t!
Monica : Yes you did! I wanna meet her!
Chandler : No you don’t! I’ll see you later. PUSHES MONICA TOWARDS THE DOOR
Monica : What’s up with you?
CHANDLERS BEDROOM DOOR OPENS. BRIAN WALKS OUT.
Brian : SMILING Morning Chandler! TO MONICA Hi!
MONICA JUST STANDS THERE, MOUTH OPEN
SCENE. MONICAS AND RACHEL’S APARTMENT. EVERYONE IS THERE EXCEPT CHANDLER AND MONICA.
Phoebe : Hey! Guys, guys! Look what I got!
Rachel: What is it Pheebs?
Joey: SIMULTANEOUSLY What?
Ross: What you got?
PHOEBE PRODUCES A MAGIC 8 BALL
Phoebe : It tells the future.
Rachel : Ohhh. Is that one of those things you ask a question and shake for the answer?
Phoebe : Yeah! Isn’t it amazing? Who would think that something as small as this could predict what’s going to happen!
Ross : Uh, Phoebe. You do know that it can’t actually tell the future?
Phoebe : Of course it can! Why else would people buy it?
Ross : Okayyyy.......lets test it then.
Joey : I gotta go the bathroom. JOEY LEAVES
Phoebe : Fine. Ask it a question.
Ross : LAUGHS. Will Joey use Monicas fancy soap again?.....It says "Definitely."
JOEY RETURNS
Joey : Heh. I used Monicas fancy soap again!
Phoebe : GASPS See?
Rachel : Pheebs, it was probably just a coincidence.
Phoebe : Lets try it again then!
Joey : Let me have a go. TAKES BALL. Will Ugly Naked Guy be using his hammock today?......It says "Count On It."
THEY ALL RUSH OVER TO THE WINDOW
All : Ewwwwww!!
Rachel : Well there’s something we were all praying it wouldn’t get right....
Phoebe : I’m telling you! This thing works!
ENTER MONICA LOOKING SHOCKED
Rachel : What’s up Mon?
Monica : Wha...? Uh.....nothing. I, I gotta get ready for work. GOES TO HER ROOM
Joey : What up with her?
Phoebe : Lets ask the ball! Has Monica received a big shock?......It says "YES" in capital letters! That can’t be good.
Rachel : I’m going to see what’s up with her. RACHEL LEAVES
Joey : Hey, you don’t think Monica will be mad at me for using the fancy soap do you?
Phoebe : SHAKING BALL "Most Likely!"
SCENE. CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT.
Brian : So who was that? She left so quickly! LAUGHS Did I scare her or something?
Chandler : Uh.....that was Monica. She, she lives in the apartment across. She’s my best friend.
Brian : I’m getting the feeling that you’re not to happy she saw me....
Chandler : Well, yes!......Its just....
Brian : You haven’t come out yet have you? That’s okay....it took me a long time too. TRY’S TO KISS CHANDLER BUT CHANDLER DODGES IT.
Brian : What?
Chandler : I’m going to have to be honest with you.....
Brian : I knew it! I’m just a one night stand to you aren’t I?!
Chandler : No! I don’t know. I’ve never........been with a man before, okay? Now I’m not sure if I’m gay, or if I’m straight, or if I’m........I’m.......what else is there?!!
Brian : Ah.....well now I feel uncomfortable.
Chandler : I’m sorry.....but this has left me really confused.
Brian : Uh......y’know this is something you should work out by yourself. But if you need me....I’m here.
Chandler : Gee. Thank you so much for your support in this difficult time but I really need to be alone.
Brian : Okay, I’ll go, but I didn’t make you do anything you didn’t want to do. Remember that. LEAVES
CHANDLER BANGS HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL
SCENE. MONICAS ROOM. MONICA AND RACHEL ARE THERE.
Rachel : Come on Mon. Tell me what your upset about.
Monica : Its nothing.
Rachel : For nothing it looks pretty damn serious.
Monica : Okay, okay. But you have to promise you won’t say anything to anyone else.
Rachel : I swear.
Monica : SIGHS Right. I went over to Chandlers this morning and......basically......he’s gay.
Rachel : WHAT?!!
Monica : I think he’s gay.....
Rachel : You think he’s gay or he is gay?!
Monica : Let me explain.....when I went to see him he was with another man. He tried to get me out before I saw him, but.....
Rachel : Chandler was with a man?! Last night?
Monica : Yeah....
Rachel : God! I can hardly believe it. I mean.....every conversation I have with him he’s always talking to my boobs!
Monica : I know But, I guess it kinda makes sense.....I mean he’s smart....
Rachel : Neat....
Monica : Slim....
Both : Bitchy.
Rachel : But why didn’t he tell us this?
Monica : I don’t know why. But I guess he’ll have to tell us soon. He’ll have too! But in the meantime.....
Rachel : Not a word, I know. SMILES
Monica : Yeah. SMILES BACK AND LOOKS AWAY. WE NOTICE A SLIGHT SADNESS IN HER EXPRESSION.
SCENE. CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT. JOEY ENTERS
Joey : Hey man!
Chandler : Hey....
Joey : So? Who did you bring back last night?
Chandler : What???
Joey : Come on! I heard ya!
Chandler : I have to go to work.
Joey : What did I say?
Chandler : Bye. LEAVES
Joey : SHOUTING OUT THE DOOR. It wasn’t Janice was it?
SCENE. END OF THE DAY. CHANDLERS WORK, BRIAN’S OFFICE. THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
Brian : Yeah?
Chandler : Hey....its me.
Brian : Um....how’s it going ?
Chandler : Really? Could this day get any worse?!
Brian : Well, that makes me feel just great.
Chandler : I’m sorry, but this is hard for me. I’ve been thinking about this all day....its like a freaky scene from Dynasty!
Brian : And?
Chandler : I need to see something. KISSES BRIAN. Thanks.
Brian : Wait....KISSES CHANDLER. THERE’S A PASSIONATE EMBRACE.
Chandler : What am I doing?!
Brian : You wanted too.
Chandler : I know!
Brian : Take some time to think about this.
Chandler : And what else have I been doing? Thinking about my ANUS?......that came out wrong....
Brian : Take all the time you need, I know its difficult.
Chandler : SIGHS Yeah.....bye.....
SCENE. CENTRAL PERK. EVERYONE IS THERE EXCEPT CHANDLER.
Phoebe : So, I’ve been testing the ball all day, and it hasn’t got it wrong once!
Rachel : Y’know, I’m really stating to believe in this!
Joey : Yeah....me too.
Ross : Give me an example.....
Phoebe : Okay......um......Oh! I asked it if the guy with the hairy back was going to hit on me today, and it said "Yes!" and he did!
Ross : Pheebs.....he always hits on you.
Phoebe : Oh. Okay. Well what about this?.....I asked it if anything suprising would happen to me today, it said "Bet On It" and I got a raise!
Monica : Way to go Phoebe!
Phoebe : Yeah! I know! I didn’t even deserve it! But see?......it really works!
Rachel : Gimme a go! SHAKES BALL Uh.....will Chandler arrive soon? "Yes".
CHANDLER WALKS IN.
Joey : Hey!
Ross : Maybe it does work....
Chandler : Hey guys....
Phoebe : Hey, Chandler! Guess what? We have a magic ball!
Chandler : That’s great Phoebe! I’m getting coffee.
Ross : What’s up with him?
MONICA AND RACHEL LOOK AT EACH OTHER
Joey : Chandler , what’s up man?
Chandler : SIGHS I have something to tell you guys.....
Phoebe : What is it?
Chandler : You guys are like my best friends. That’s why I’m telling you this.....and its pretty hard for me okay?
All : CONCERNED Okay.
Chandler : Last night I MUTTERS SO WHAT HE’S SAYING CAN NOT BE UNDERSTOOD
Ross : What?
Chandler : Last night I slept with MUTTERS AGAIN
Joey : It was Janice wasn’t it?
Chandler : No.....
Monica : QUIETLY. Omigod.
Chandler : .....It was another man.
THERE IS A STUNNED SCILENCE
Phoebe : Oh! Its a joke!
Ross : A joke!
Chandler : No it isn’t. But I’m sorry this is just a big joke to you!
Phoebe : Oh, I’m sorry Chandler, really I am.
Joey : You’re gay?!
Chandler : I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m gay or straight, and you have no idea how this feels! Unless any of you are secretly gay then I apologise.....
Rachel : You know we’re all here for you.
Ross : Whatever you....decide to be, we’ll support you.
Chandler : Yeah.....thanks.
Joey : But what about all those women?
Chandler : Not helping Joe.......I’ve been thinking though, maybe it does make sense. I mean everyone always seems to think I’m.....gay, and then there’s my dad, so maybe I should give it try.
Rachel : You can’t just try your sexuality on like a sweater!
Chandler : Where the hell do you shop?
Rachel : What I mean is that your either one thing or the other and you’re just going to have to work out what you are.
Chandler : I have to go. LEAVES
All : Bye......
Phoebe : Oh my god! You guys! Can you guys believe that?
Ross : I know!
Rachel : Monica, what’s up with you? You haven’t said a word......
Monica : Its......I just don’t like the idea of Chandler with another man.
Ross : Wouldn’t you call that being homophobic?!
Monica : No! I’m not!
Phoebe : Uh....then what’s your problem?
Monica : Excuse me.....LEAVES
Joey : Now.....something’s bothering her.
Phoebe : Well, I’m going to see what it is. See you guys later. LEAVES
Ross : Anyone else still in shock? I need an espresso.
Joey : Me too.
WHILE ROSS AND JOEY ARE GETTING COFFEE RACHEL PICKS UP THE MAGIC 8 BALL.
Rachel : Will Ross and I ever get back together? "Yes!" DOES A LITTLE DANCE
Ross : Rach......what are you doing?
Rachel : Uh....just practising!
Ross : For what?
Rachel : Tap lessons!
Ross : You don’t have tap lessons......
Rachel : And that means I can’t practise? ROSS GIVES HER A WEIRD LOOK.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
SCENE. MONICAS AND RACHEL’S APARTMENT. MONICA AND PHOEBE ARE THERE.
Phoebe : Okay Monnica. What’s up?
Monica : Oh my god! Its nothing!
Phoebe : LOOKS HARD AT HER I’ve known you for far too long for you to start lying to me....
Monica : Okay, okay....
Phoebe : Guilt trip works every time!
Monica : The thing is....its that. Okay this is the thing.....
Phoebe : Uh, how long is the "thing" going to take?
Monica : SIGHS I think I’m in love with Chandler.
Phoebe : What?! Oh my god! I thought it was just some......some......well, something else!
Monica : I know, I know!
Phoebe : How long have you been......in love with him?
Monica : I think its been for years, I just never realised. But now he’s, sort of gay, I know I can’t have him! Yesterday he was just Chandler.....and now he’s Chandler, you see what I mean?
Phoebe : Nu-uh....
Monica : I mean....whenever my love life went wrong, he was always there! My safety net, and now all I can think about is how I should have realised sooner.....and maybe this whole situation wouldn’t have appeared....
Phoebe : Wow! Who needs Ross and Rachel?
Monica : Pheebs.....what am I going to do?
Phoebe : At the moment? Nothing.
Monica : But I’ll have to tell him soon!
Phoebe : Listen.....if you tell him now your only going to make his problems worse.
Monica : Why must you be always right?......
Phoebe : Come here.....HUGS MONICA
SCENE. CHANDLER AND JOEY’S APARTMENT. CHANDLER IS THERE. THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
Chandler : ANSWERING DOOR. Hey Dad.
CHANDLERS FATHER IS PLAYED BY KEVIN KLINE (Its my story!)
C’s Dad : How’s it going son!?
Chandler : Uh....fine! Its great.
C’s Dad : So.....are you going to tell me why you brought me all the way here from Las Vegas?
Chandler : I had an experience lately that has kinda affected me in a big way, and I thought it would be best to talk to you about it.
C’s Dad : Oh......what sort of experience?
Chandler : I was abducted by aliens! What sort of experience do you think I would want to talk to you about?!
C’s Dad : PAUSES, THEN REALISES Ah.
Chandler : When did you know that you....preferred men?
C’s Dad : Well I guess I always knew on some level.
Chandler : But how did you work it out?
C’s Dad : It came naturally.....
Chandler : Look. I’m going to need an actually answer here!
C’s Dad : You haven’t exactly told me what you want from me.....
Chandler : SIGHS I got drunk a couple of nights ago, and, I, I slept with a man. LOOKS EMBARRASSED.
C’s Dad : Was he cute?
Chandler : I have no idea if I’m gay or straight!
C’s Dad : Well...like father like son!
Chandler : Not helping.
C’s Dad : Okay. Do you find men attractive?
Chandler : I’m not sure....
C’s Dad : Is Yasmine Bleeth hot?
Chandler : Yes!
C’s Dad : Is David Hasselhoff hot?
Chandler : Ew. No.
C’s Dad : Romantic Novels.....worth reading?
Chandler : Depends if someone has a gun pointing at my head or not.
C’s Dad : To be honest.....it sounds to me like you made a drunken mistake.
Chandler : Do you think so?!
C’s Dad : You sound so relived......well, that’s my opinion anyway. I would never have pegged you to prefer men....you always seemed to me like you’d go for someone like.....your friend Monica.
Chandler : Yes. Yes! You’re right! I have a phonecall to makes! DIALS. Answering Machine.......Uh, Hi! Its me! We need to talk. Meet me at Central Perk at seven. Bye. HANGS UP. Excuse me Dad but I have something really important to take care of. RUSHES OUT
C’s Dad : Huh. Glad to help....
SCENE. CENTRAL PERK. THE WHOLE GANG ARE THERE. CHANDLER IS WAITING AT A TABLE.
BRIAN ENTERS
Chandler : WAVES TO HIM Hey.
Brian : SMILES Hi.
THEY TALK BUT WE DO NOT HEAR THEIR CONVERSATION
Monica : Look! He’s meeting up with a guy! Do you think that’s the guy?
Rachel : It might just be a friend.
Ross : Even if it is....he’s way out of Chandlers league!
Joey : What guy is this? EVERYONE GIVES HIM "HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW?" LOOKS
Ross : Give him a minute......
Joey : Ohhhh.....!
CHANDLER AND BRIAN WALK OVER
Chandler : Guys......I want you to meet Brian. And I’m.....
Monica : I don’t care if you’re gay Chandler! I love you!!!
Chandler : Wha-wha-what?
Monica : I love you.....
Rachel : You what?
Ross : TOGETHER Chandler?!
Joey : What?
Monica : I know I shouldn’t have told you, but I couldn’t keep it to myself. But you’re gay, and it doesn’t matter....
Chandler : It does matter.......and I’m not gay.
Monica : You’re not?
Chandler : That’s what I was trying to tell you all. I made a mistake but I’ve sorted myself out now.
Monica : Oh God.........
Chandler : Did you really mean what you said?
Monica: Yes....I did. Why can’t I just keep my mouth shut? CHANDLER KISSES HER Wow.... THEY RESUME KISSING
CHANDLERS FATHER ENTERS
C’s Dad : Well.....I’m glad my sons sorted himself out!
Ross : You’re Chandlers father?
C’s Dad : You sound so suprised....
Phoebe : I guess we were just given a different impression.....what with Viva Las Gaygas and all!
Brian : You own Viva Las Gaygas?
C’s Dad : Yes! And you are?
Brian : Uh....the other man.
C’s Dad : Pleased to meet you. THEY SMILE AT EACH OTHER
Phoebe : Wow! This is like some kind of soap opera!
Joey : And I’m not starring in it......
END CREDITS
SCENE. LATER ON IN CENTRAL PERK. PHOEBE, ROSS, JOEY AND RACHEL ARE THERE
Rachel : Wow! What a week!
Phoebe : Oh! I know! Monica and Chandler together!
Ross : And Brian and Chandlers father.
Joey : Isn’t that a bit icky?
Ross : I think its best not to bring the subject up......
Phoebe : I asked the ball if all would turn out great. It said "Yes!"
Rachel : Yay!
Ross : GOES TO GET COFFEE BUT TAKES THE BALL WITH HIM. Will me and Rachel ever get back together? "YES!"
Gunther : What?
Ross : Yes.....I would like some coffee.
Gunther : What have you got there?
Ross : Its a ball that tells the future. GIVES HIM THE BALL Here.....go wild. GOES BACK TO THE SOFA
Gunther : Will I ever get together with Rachel? LOOKS AT ANSWER. Oh man! THROWS THE BALL. EVERYONE TURNS TO SEE WHAT THE CRASH WAS.
Gunther : Oops.
THE END!