Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
Written by: Anne Pascal
This takes place in season 7. Joey is living alone. Rachel and Phoebe are at Phoebes and Ross across the hall.
Scene: Joeys Chandler is pacing around talking to Phoebe and Joey
CHANDLER: So I am introduced to all of them. I mean all of them. Every last living Geller that exists Great Aunts, cousins 8 times removed. I felt like exhibit A and like I was the new member of the family.
PHOEBE: So whats the problem? Didnt you always want to be part of a family a proper family?
CHANDLER: Yea but theyre all pretty normal. What am I going to do when they meet the Bings?
JOEY: Your Moms OK. You should be proud you have an attractive mom.
CHANDLER: Yea but she rarely gets through a whole meal without mentioning the contents of mens pants. And look what happened between her and Ross already. And then there is Dad..
JOEY: (Looking alarmed). Is he in New York?
CHANDLER No but hes coming hes coming. New York has just over a month to prepare.
PHOEBE: Cant you put him off until the wedding I mean its not like he has been around a lot?
CHANDLER: No I might as well let Monica in for the full Bing extravaganza. It might put her off having children with me if she knows whats in the genes..
Joey (looking confused): If she doesnt know whats in your jeans yourre going to have problems having children man.
(Chandler just stares at Joey in disbelief then puts his head in his hands). Oh God then there is Uncle Ernie and Aunt Edna, they want to be at the wedding.
PHOEBE and JOEY: Who?
CHANDLER: Dads brother and sister. They make the Adams family look like the Brady bunch.
PHOEBE: A bit intense ha?
CHANDLER: No Phoebe. A lot intense.
JOEY: Well they sound like theyll be fun. Any more relatives that are going to be dug up?
CHANDLER: No I think thats just about the whole neurotic bunch. Its amazing I turned out so level headed and normal .
Scene: Doctors surgery with Chandler and Monica sitting nervously across the table from the doctor
DOCTOR: The reason I wanted you to bring your fiancée with you is that Im afraid I have some bad news for both of you.
MONICA: What what is it? Stress the stress of the wedding. I told Chandler it was stress but he insisted I came to see you. It is stress isnt it?
DOCTOR: No the test results show the reason that you have been suffering the symptoms you have is Miss Geller Im afraid you are going through an early menopause.
CHANDLER: The change you mean that Monica is becoming an old lady oh.
MONICA: Can I still have children?
Dr: No. Im sorry. Your uterus is showing unusual signs of degeneration. Your eggs may be OK for another couple of months if, as you say, you are still bleeding every month? That is unusual with the state of your uterus. You have a slight chance of having a baby then if you used a surrogate. But you would need to act now. And I mean this month or next.
Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Rachel and Chandler are sitting at the kitchen table.
RACHEL: I cant believe it.
CHANDLER: I know. Life sucks.
RACHEL: You know Monica has done a lot for me. She put me up when I left Barry Shes like a sister and she has been desperate to have a baby for as long as Ive known her. She used to knit booties in grade 2 when the rest of us were playing hopscotch
CHANDLER: I know. Rach He looks at her with a question on his face
RACHEL: Do you think she would let me do this for you guys?
Monica enters carrying laundry
MONICA (angry): You told her? Why did you tell her? I thought this was between us Chandler.
RACHEL: He guessed that I could be the one person to help you out. I could be your surrogate I mean Phoebe did it.
MONICA: Thats very sweet of you but I couldnt ask you to do that ..
MONICA: Because I know how you really feel about it. I mean we discussed this when Phoebe went through it. And you dont like pain.
RACHEL: Yea but I would prefer to go through that pain than watch the pain of you guys not having children.
CHANDLER: Ahhh Rach
MONICA: You would really be prepared to put yourself through that for us?
RACHEL: Well youd do it for me. I know you would. (They hug) Anyway Ralph Lauren are doing this really cool new range of maternity clothes.
Scene: Chandler at the hospital at the reception desk.
NURSE (handing him a tube): We need it in there within the next half-hour.
CHANDLER: (looking at the receptacle in horror) Dont you have a bigger pot. I mean one with a bigger hole at the top. I mean (in a whisper) my aim has never been that good and I dont quite see how I can get the right angle on it.
NURSE: (looking disinterested): Those are the only ones we have. Now you should find everything you need in the room to the right.
CHANDLER: Really?! Everything?
Scene: Central Perk: Chandler very nervous, jumping around all over the place, unable to sit still. Ross, Joey and Phoebe on the couch.
CHANDLER: Are you sure Ross I mean if youve changed your mind Ill understand man - we can manage. I just, at the moment, I dont want to put Mon to any more trouble and you know what she is like when we have guests.
ROSS: No youre good. I was married to a lesbian. I mean, if anyone can deal with your Dad I can and hes only staying for two nights.
PHOEBE: And it gives Ross a chance to know the rest of your family now youre going to be brothers - of course he knows your Mum really well already.
Chandler stops bouncing around for a moment to give Phoebe a dirty look.
JOEY: You never know they may find they have lots in common Wheres Mon?
CHANDLER: Shes asleep again. Oh my God Dad!?
Grey haired man (Steve Martin) enters with blonde bombshell (Pamela Anderson).
JOEY: Is that she has to be real oh my God she has to be real dont tell me that shes a guy
PHOEBE: (looking at PM) Wow! Chandlerss Dad looks young for his age.
Chandler goes to his dad and guardedly greets him with hands in pockets.
CHANDLER: Well Dad how have you been these last 10 years. This a "friend" of yours?
CHANDLERS DAD: Sorry to spring this on you but I couldnt find a way to tell you on the phone this is not what you think.
CHANDLER: No? (whispering) Shes a guy shes not a guy in drag is she? I mean I think I would know
CHANDLERS DAD: No! You remember the neighbours we had before the split. You know Dave and Cynthia and little Stephanie?
CHANDLER: Vaguely. Cynthia was a bit of vamp. Didnt quite compete with Mum but
CHANDLERS DAD: This is Stephanie, Chandler.
CHANDLER: Little Stephanie I dont understand - Nooooo! You didnt. Oh hell you did didnt you? How could you I mean youre gay .
CHANDLERS DAD: Not always.
CHANDLER Cant you commit to anything!
ROSS: Hang on a minute I dont quite understand.
STEPHANIE: Could this guy be any slower. Im his sister his half sister. I thought it time we should meet. I mean weddings being family affairs an all.
JOEY: (Jumps up to introduce himself) How you doin
CHANDLER: Ahhh no.
JOEY to ROSS: Time we avenged our sisters man.
ROSS: So is she I mean is she, is she, staying with me? (Very broad grin)
Scene: Chandler and Monicas:
Monica comes out of the bedroom still yawning. Rachel is in the kitchen reading a magazine.
Monica: Therell be here soon. You should have woken me. So how do you feel? You know I just cant believe you are doing this for me. I mean I had you down as
Rachel: As what Mon?
Monica: erm my dearest friend.
Rachel: You were going to say I was selfish and spoilt. But that is why I wanted to do this. To pay you back for all the times I have not done the dishes, or taken out the trash, or moaned at you about your brother .
Monica: I cant believe it worked.
Rachel: How are you feeling?
Monica: Well I had to have some more tests before they start to put me on medication. You know hormone replacement therapy.
Rachel: Yea my mom was on that. You know you dont strike me as someone going through the change.
Monica: Well maybe that is because Im only 31.
Rachel: No I mean you still glow. I know you have been a bit tired and icky feeling and youve been moodier than normal but it still doesnt add up.
Chandlers Dad, Stephanie, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and Ross enter:
Chandler: So Mon, Rachel this is Dad and my half-sister Stephanie
Monica: Sister? Chandler never mentioned
Chandler: Well nor did my Dad.
Monica: But I thought
Stephanie: So is this the Rachel that you got pregnant?
Monica (a little put out): I see the way with words runs in the family. Rachel is acting as our surrogate.
They all sit in the sitting area. Monica on Chandlers lap.
Ross: So how are you feeling Rach?
Rachel: A bit freaked, but not bad.
Ross: I am so proud of you.
Monica: Oh go on youre all freaked out that she is carrying Chandlers child.
Ross: Well it does seem a bit ya know.
Monica: What worse than Phoebe carrying her brothers baby?
Joey to Monica: Doesnt it make you feel a bit weird that Chandler got Rachel pregnant?
Monica: Its not like he slept with her. Its my baby too.
Stephanie: Well I think it is an amazing thing to do for someone.
Steve: Yea me too.
Knock, Chandler goes to open the door.
CHANDLER: Mum?! You chose this weekend to come why did you choose this weekend to come?
CHANDLERS MUM: Well I heard about Monica and I thought I would come and cheer you up and (spots her ex-husband and Stephanie) oh I see.
CHANDLER: Mum this is Dad Dad this is Mum. Oh and Stephanie
CHANDLERS MUM: Yea I always knew about Stephanie.
CHANDLER: Well isnt this nice the whole family together .
Ross, Joey, Phoebe and Rachel look around and sense the tension:
All together: Yea we should go (Try to dash out)
CHANDLER (barring the door): No no no. I mean Ross - you will be part of the family and Rachel well you have part of the family in you. (whispering) please guys.
CHANDLERS DAD: So Nora whos in your life right now.? Is the boy old enough to drink?
CHANDLERS MUM: Yes is yours?
STEPHANIE (trying to change the subject): Monica I just love your dress.
CHANDLERS MUM: Why did your dad have one just like it?
CHANDLER: Does anyone know if Madeleine Albright is available?
CHANDLERS DAD: So Nora are you going to tell "your public" when you are a grandmother - granny.
CHANDLERS MUM: Oh my God I hadnt thought of that. Chandler how could you do this to me?
Chandler: Well it was difficult actually I mean the top of the tube they gave me was so small that you had to . Monica why dont you and Rachel take Mum shopping.
RACHEL: Do we get your credit card. For baby stuff I mean?
CHANDLER: Why not!
Scene: Central Perk Chandler and his dad on the chairs. Joey, Ross and Stephanie over by the counter.
CHANDLER: So Dad youve not told me how it happened you and the vamp I mean
CHANDLERS DAD: You mean Cynthia
CHANDLERS DAD: Oh it was nothing really. I had quite a bit to drink and I got a little overly affectionate.
CHANDLER: Overly affectionate!
CHANDLERS DAD: What - you never been there?
CHANDLERS DAD: So how did you and Monica start out? Youd been friends for years dont tell me that there was no alcohol involved?
CHANDLER: There may have been a little alcohol. But Im not gay and Monica didnt get pregnant.
Over at the counter:
Joey: So wouldnt you rather stay nearer your brother I mean across the hall.
ROSS: She has a place with me and she can see Chandler from my place.
JOEY: But you dont have the spare bedroom with his Dad there as well.
Stephanie: He has a point.
Ross looks very glum
Scene: Joeys apartment later that night. Joey and Stepahnie.
STEPHANIE: So we should establish some ground rules. Chandler has spoken to me about you.
JOEY: What? Its not like Chandler grew up knowing you were his sister.
STEPHANIE: But we did grow up together. I was the girl next door.
JOEY: Chandler grew up with you living next door? So did you ever
STEPHANIE: (Shocked) No!
JOEY: OK. Youre right. Chandler is like a brother to me. I dont want to over step the line.
STEPHANIE: Well I think it would be OK if you treated me like your own sister. I dont think that would upset Chandler.
JOEY: Im good on that. I have seven sisters.
STEPHANIE: Well we should get on just fine then.
JOEY: I still think I should check. I assume it is all right to give you a hug goodnight.
STEPHANIE: Yea thats just friendly like.
(He gives her a hug)
JOEY: I give my sisters a kiss too.
STEPHANIE: Yea thats OK too.
(He kisses her on the cheek)
JOEY: What about a kiss on the lips.
STEPHANIE: Only on special occasions you know birthdays and Christmas and stuff.
JOEY: Well this is the first time you met Chandler since you knew he was your brother.
STEPHANIE: Yea I guess thats OK then
(He kisses her on the lips but it goes on several seconds She pulls away)
JOEY: But this might be going a bit too far.
S: Yea thats probably too friendly.
(He gives her a really passionate kiss. She breaks away and looks him in the eye)
S: Now thats really very friendly indeed.
(She goes back to kissing him)
Scene: Morning. Chandler and Monica are in bed, apparently naked.
CHANDLER: You feeling better?
MONICA: Yea much better thanks.
CHANDLER: Well at least its not affecting your interest in me
MONICA: No (laughs) apparently not.
They start kissing. Nora comes in with two cups (without knocking)
CHANDLERS MUM: Hi thought you two kids would like some coffee.
CHANDLER: Dont you knock?
CHANDLERS MUM: (sitting on the bed much to both of their embarrassment) Knock! Im your mother and Monica doesnt mind do you Monica? Were almost family.
Phoebe, Ross and Rachel come into the apartment
CHANDLERS MUM: Were in here guys.
CHANDLER Do we have any privacy?
The gang enters the bedroom. Ross makes a face when he sees the state of Monica and Chandler and hangs back by the door. The others get on the bed.
The gang: Hey
CHANDLER AND MONICA (glumly, holding their covers up even tighter to their chests and looking away): Hey
CHANDLERS MUM: Oh you two getting all bashful? Weve all had to sleep next to you guys.
RACHEL: Tell me about it! Did they start up again in the middle of the night. Just when you thought you were going to get some sleep?
PHOEBE: I think it comes from the time they were creeping around and had to get up in the middle of the night to avoid being caught.
CHANDLER: Were still here!
ROSS: So have you seen Joey and Stephanie this morning? Your Dad thought he might take us all to dinner tonight.
CHANDLERS MUM: Do they have any gay strip clubs in New York?
CHANDLER: A few (they all look at him strangely) so I have heard. So Joey and Stephanie not up yet?
Ross and Chandler do a double take. Chandler goes to get out of bed and stares pointedly at his mum, Rachel and Phoebe. Rachel and Phoebe make a dash for the door.
Scene; Joeys apartment. Chandler and Ross come bursting into the apartment just as Joey and Stephanie are emerging, semi-dressed, from the bedroom.
CHANDLER (to Joey): I just dont believe you could do this to me. This is my sister.
ROSS: Hang on a minute who exactly are you sleeping with at the moment?
CHANDLER: Your sister but its different I mean Im marrying her.
JOEY: I dont notice you marrying my sister.
CHANDLER: Which sister?
JOEY: You tell me!
CHANDLER: That was years ago and I was drunk we just fooled around. I didnt sleep with her.
ROSS: So the first night you slept with Monica you werent going to marry her then.
CHANDLER: I dont remember sleeping much.. But this is about Joey and my sister.
JOEY: Yea but Chandler we all know what you and your family are like after a drink. Your gay father managed to get a woman pregnant when he was drunk and when youre drunk you get so affectionate you would mount anything that stayed still long enough. Youre hardly in a position to lecture me
CHANDLER: Once, maybe twice, I have got a little drunk and maybe a bit too friendly. But I didnt sleep with your sister and I didnt go to bed with Monica because I was drunk. Monica was a little drunk and, well she was upset and I was just comforting her.
ROSS: Comforting her! You mean she was vulnerable and you took advantage!
CHANDLER: Im marrying her for Gods sake doesnt that suggest to you that it wasnt a drunken fling? And you werent even drunk when you kissed my mum!
STEPHANIE: He kissed Nora Bing! So hang on a minute boys let me get the whole grizzly history between you guys right. Chandler you "fooled around" (whatever that means) with Joeys sister, are sleeping with Rosss sister and her best friend is carrying your child. Ross, you kissed Chandlers Mum (ewwwww) and tried it on with Chandlers sister (yea you did). Joey, you slept with Chandlers sister and tried it on with Rosss sister (yea I heard about the lemonade too) . I think everyones even in this little Greek tragedy here dont you.
ROSS: I didnt sleep with anyones relative.
STEPHANIE: But you kissed his Mum. I think that must count the same as sleeping with at least two sisters.
CHANDLER: He doesnt have any other sisters for me to sleep with.
STEPHANIE: Yea but you "fooled around" with Joeys sister.
CHANDLER: But hes now slept with my sister.
STEPHANIE: Half sister. So "fooling around" with a full sister is probably the same as sleeping with a half-sister.
CHANDLER: OK then.
JOEY: So Chandler. Monica was upset and vulnerable. What happened then?
Scene: Monica and Chandlers. Monica, Pheobe, and Rachel are sitting round the table having breakfast
RACHEL: So come on Monica its about time we found out how this all started. I mean Chandler
Chandlers Mum comes out of Rachels old room
PHOEBE: Yea! Chandler.
CHANDLERS MUM: Would it make a scene in one of my books?
RACHEL: I dont think we want quite that level of detail.
PHOEBE: So come on Mon you were at the dinner in London and
MONICA: And we spent the night together.
RACHEL: Yea I think we need a little more detail than that. I mean Barbara Cartland wrote more detail than that.
PHOEBE: Yea. I mean how drunk were you did you remember anything in the morning?! (looking at Chandlers Mum) Not that you would need to be drunk. How did you step across that line
MONICA: Well the line was kind of fuzzy. I mean I had had a lot to drink. He was just sort of cuddling me because I was upset and kissing my hair and my cheek
PHOEBE and RACHEL: Ahhh
MONICA: And then somehow he was kissing my lips. And to begin with I thought - I cant stop him because he is being so nice and such a good friend and it would be so awkward in the morning.
RACHEL: Boy are you easy.
MONICA: And it was only a kiss. But then I kinda got into it.
Scene: Joeys continued from previous scene there.
CHANDLER: No I don t think we made it to the bed not the first time.
ROSS: Ewww - How many times were there?
CHANDLER: (nervously) Seven
ROSS, STEPHANIE and JOEY: Seven!
CHANDLER: Yea well once I started I couldnt seem to stop.
JOEY: Thats one hell of a lot of comforting.
ROSS to STEPHANIE: Does that mean I am owed at least one sister?
STEPHANIE: Ill ask Dad if there are any others lurking around.
JOEY: Yea but didnt you kiss Rachels sister?
ROSS: Well you slept with Phoebes sister. And she is a twin so that must count double.
CHANDLER: My Auntie Edna will be at the wedding youre welcome to her .
Scene: Monica and Chandlers continued from previous scene there.
PHOEBE: So it still must have been awkward
MONICA: No it was good, really good. It just felt right. I mean hes loving and passionate
RACHEL: And taught by you
CHANDLERS MUM: What?
RAACHEL: Well before this happened Mon and Chandler were so close that Chandler used to ask Monica how to get his girlfriends to "agree" with him. Monica taught him what she likes so it is hardly surprising if they hit it off in bed . when they finally dragged themselves across the floor to the bed.
CHANDLERS MUM: And he has physical attributes
RACHEL AND PHOEBE: He does? (they look in horror at Chandlers Mum)
CHANDLERS MUM: You dont need to look at me so strangely. I used to change his diaper.
RACHEL: A few year ago presumably.
CHANDLERS MUM: Yes but your born with what your born with. And Chandler relaxed would not feature in one of my books but even babies are sometimes less than relaxed and it was quite a transformation.
RACHEL AND PHOEBE: Really?
MONICA AND CHANDLERS MUM: Oh yea
(Chandler walks in)
ALL: Hi Chandler.
CHANDLER: (senses they have just stopped their conversation and looks nervously at them all) So what have you been talking about?
MONICA: Oh girls stuff
RACHEL: Now why do men think that we girls discuss nothing but the physical attributes of men?
ALL: Yea (laughing awkwardly).
Monica: So how are you honey? Stephanie OK?
Chandler: What with Joey as a chaperone. What do you think?
Scene: Monica and Chandlers. All the gang present.
Phone starts to ring
Chandler picks it up
CHANDLER: Hey Mon it is for you. Its the doctor (stays nearby clearly concerned)
DOCTOR: Miss Geller I am afraid we have made a terrible mistake. Your original test results seem to have got confused with another Miss M Geller. We only discovered it when we had some incompatible results from the last lot of tests we did. We really are very sorry.
MONICA: (glancing nervously at Rachel) I dont understand. What are you telling me?
DOCTOR: You are fine and healthy except .
MONICA: (listens for a second or two more then-): Nooooooooo. She throws the phone down
CHANDLER: (jumps and put his arms around her she buries her face in his shoulder): What, what is it?
MONICA: (moves away from him nervously) Well I suppose it is good news. It seems that they made a tiny little mistake at the hospital. My last lots of test results were incompatible with the first lot so they rechecked everything.
RACHEL: Oh my god do you mean .
ROSS: Why are they incompatible?
MONICA: Because the last lot of tests show that I am about four weeks pregnant.
Chandler spit out the drink he had just taken
CHANDLER: Youre pregnant?
MONICA: Im about two weeks behind Rachel. The thing is that with the drugs I was on leading up to the egg extraction for the surrogacy the doctor said that there is a good chance of this being a multiple pregnancy.
CHANDLER: How multiple?
MONICA: I have a scan tomorrow. We find out then.
ROSS: Dont they normally control the levels of those fertility drugs so this doesnt happen?
MONICA: Well they thought I was infertile so they zapped me up with a high dosage to get the eggs for Rachel.
PHOEBE (starts to laugh) : Did you guys hear about that woman who gave birth to seven babies? That could be you Monica! Yea!
CHANDLER: Oh my god. This can not be happening.
ROSS: You know its kind of ironic. We all thought Chandler would be the last one to become a Dad and now he has gone into mass production in a way that Henry Ford would have been proud.
JOEY: Anyone else you plan on knocking up Chandler?
RACHEL: I suppose now would be a bad time to tell you guys that at my scan yesterday they told me that I am expecting twins?
Chandler collapses on the floor.