Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
TONYS PIZZA (Joey, Ross and Chandler are present)
Joey: Man this is good pizza.
Chandler: Its better than sex.
Ross: Going through a dry spell again Chandler?
Chandler: Yeah. Mons been as cold as ice lately. You accidentally spill coffee on the floor and the next thing you know, no sex for three weeks.
Joey: You think youve got problems? Phoebe wont leave me alone. Shes like an insatiable machine.
Ross: Dont look now but the world is coming to end. Joeys complaining about too much sex and he used insatiable in a sentence.
Chandler: Despite the fact that he has no idea what the word means.
Joey: Hey, I do too know what the word means.
Chandler: Uh huh. What does it mean?
Joey: Uh, uh, uh .
Chandler: I told you he didnt know.
Ross: Give him a chance.
Joey: I got it, its something that has to do with wanting too much of something?
Ross: And we have a winner Ladies and Gentlemen.
OPENING CREDITS
CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are present)
Monica: What the heck is the matter with you?
Rachel (moving around uncomfortably): These pants are getting to be too small. I can barely breathe.
Monica: Why arent you wearing the maternity clothes Ross got for you?
Rachel: Have you seen them? Theyre like K-Mart rejects. No way Im wearing them out in public.
Phoebe: Just wait until the wedgies start coming. Theyre like a thrill ride for your crack.
Rachel: Thanks for the visual Pheebs.
Monica: Where is Chandler?
Rachel: Hes probably with Joey and Ross doing something stupid.
Phoebe: Yeah, I think Im gonna break it off with Joey.
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: What?
Monica: What did you say?
Phoebe: Nothing. I was listening to Rachel.
Rachel: Yes you did, you said you were gonna break it off with Joey.
Phoebe: Whered you hear that?
Monica: You just said it!
Phoebe: Then why did you say what?
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Fine! Yes, Im gonna break-up with Joey.
Rachel: Uh, why?
Phoebe: Because the sex is boring now. Theres nothing else there.
Monica: You guys dont talk?
Phoebe: Sure we do. We talk about whos place were gonna do it at, what to eat for lunch and dinner. Stuff like that. You know, real meaningful conversations.
Rachel: Thats meaningful?
Phoebe: Pretty much, at least for Joey.
(Chandler and Joey enters)
Chandler: My fair ladies, icicle woman.
Monica: Thats not the way to thaw me out Chandler.
Joey: Hey, whos hungry?
Chandler: We just ate lunch!
Joey: Yeah, but I was lining up my afternoon snack partner.
Rachel: Wheres Ross?
Joey: Yeah, we ditched him a couple blocks back.
Rachel: Why?!
Chandler: Cause he saw a new dinosaur book in the window at the bookstore and he had to go in.
Rachel: Oh, in that case I wouldve ditched him too. Well I have to get to the stores. Ill see you guys later. Do you wanna come Mon?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler (to Monica): Whoa! Hold on a minute missy. Did I give you permission to go shopping?
Monica: Strike two.
Chandler (meekly): You can go. Just dont spend any money.
Monica: Do you wanna rethink that answer?
Chandler: What I meant to say, is here, take my credit card. No need to spend your own hard earned money. See ya later honey.
Rachel (to Monica): Man, Ive got to try that approach with Ross.
Joey: Bye Rachel, bye icicle woman.
Monica: You just struck out again Chandler.
Chandler: I didnt say anything! Damn it Joey!
(Monica and Rachel leave)
Joey: Hey Pheebs, how are ya?
Phoebe: Pretty good lover.
Joey: Were breaking up arent we?
Phoebe: Yeah, Im afraid so.
Joey: Ok. Well for the record, youve been the best girlfriend Ive ever had.
Phoebe: Youre the best boyfriend Ive ever had. I really love you Joey.
Joey: I love you too Pheebs.
Chandler: Thats it? Just like that you guys are breaking up? No crying, no fighting? Whats wrong with you two?
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross is present. He is talking on the phone)
Ross: I realize that. (pause) Yes I realize that we get a week off at Spring Break but my wife is pregnant and this is the only chance I have to take her away before the baby comes. (pause) Why is that a problem? (pause) I really dont think my students would care. (pause) (pause) Ok. Ok. Look, just think about it. (pause) Thanks.
(Chandler enters)
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: Hey.
Chandler: Who were you talking to?
Ross: Its whom.
Chandler: Dont start with me.
Ross: I was talking with my department head at NYU. Im trying to get a week off to take Rachel to Hawaii for a week during the semester.
Chandler: Hawaii eh?
Ross: No, you cant come. Were going away by ourselves for once.
Chandler: Did you hear that Phoebe and Joey broke up?
Ross: They did?
Chandler: Yeah. It was like the greatest breakup ever. There were no tears, no fighting, no anything.
Ross: Hows Joey?
Chandler: How do you think he is? He met some girl in the coffeehouse ten minutes after Phoebe left and the next thing you know, he took her to his apartment.
Ross: To do what?
Chandler: Vacuum the floor.
Ross: Theyre having sex right after he broke up with Phoebe?
Chandler: Phoebe broke up with Joey.
Ross: Did they break up or are they on a break?
Chandler: They broke up.
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Sorry, that was low. (pause) I need your help.
Ross: With what? Do you need to move some furniture or something?
Chandler: I need your help with Monica.
SAKS FIFTH AVENUE (Rachel and Monica are shopping)
Rachel: Ew, what da ya think about this?
Monica: Yeah, thats alright.
Rachel: Mon, whats gotten into you? Youve been a drag to be around today.
Monica: Im sorry, I just got a lot on my mind. Really, that would be striking on you.
Rachel: Monica, its me.
Monica: I havent had sex with Chandler in three weeks.
Rachel: So youre going through a dry spell, it happens sooner or later to all couples.
Monica: Its not just that.
Rachel: Then what is it honey?
Monica: I dont know if I wanna have sex with him anymore.
(Rachel, whos been leaning against the clothing rack, crashes to the floor)
JOEYS APARTMENT (Joey latest date, Laura, is leaving)
Joey: Ill call you later Lori.
Laura: Its Laura.
Joey: Right. Ill call you later Laura.
Laura: Are we gonna go out to dinner? My roommate Shelley knows this great little restaurant in the village.
Joey: Is your roommate single?
Laura: Yeah, why?
Joey: Just wondering.(closes the door and sits down on the recliner. Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey Joey.
Joey: Pheebs, what are you doing here?
Phoebe: I dont think we did the right thing.
Joey: What thing?
Phoebe: I dont think we shouldve broken up.
Joey: You dont?
Phoebe: No, not really.
Joey: How can you miss me? We only broke up two hours ago.
Phoebe: You already had sex with someone else didnt you?
Joey: Me? Who do you think I am, Ross?
Phoebe: Thats pretty funny.
Joey: I thought so too.
Phoebe: So whod you have sex with? The hot little blonde that left your apartment a couple of minutes ago?
Joey: Laura? I mean, what hot little blonde?
Phoebe: Its ok, Im not mad. I had sex with Pete.
Joey: Whos Pete?!
Phoebe: Some cute guy that Ive had my eyen on since we started dating.
Joey: And the minute you break up with me you go and have sex with him?!
Phoebe: What are you getting all excited for? You had sex too.
Joey: But I barely knew her!
Phoebe: Why should that matter?
Joey: It does in Joey World! You have sex with strangers, not with people you are already friends with.
Phoebe: But you had sex with me when you were dating Courteney.
Joey: What does that have to do with anything?!
Phoebe: Well for starters, we were friends.
Joey: But I was trying to figure out if I was supposed to marry Courteney.
Phoebe: So then its ok to have sex with a friend.
Joey: Yes! In that situation.
Phoebe: Maybe we should stay broken up.
Joey: I think so. Weve obviously have moved on to other people.
Phoebe: Not as good as you.
Joey: Thats pretty much a given.
Phoebe: How was the hot little blonde girl?
Joey: Alright. Definitely not in your league.
Phoebe: Of course not, only a gymnast can bend like me.
Joey: Thats the funny part, she is a gymnast and all she did was lie there.
Phoebe: Maybe we shouldnt break up.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Well our new partners are obviously not good in the sack.
Joey: Maybe we should stay broken up but still sleep together. That way neither of us will go rusty until we find compatible partners.
Phoebe: We could have an open relationship.
Joey: Totally. No more of this boyfriend/girlfriend crap.
Phoebe: I love that idea. We dont fight at all, boyfriends and girlfriends fight with each other all the time, just look at Ross and Rachel.
Joey: Thats so true. With you, we never fought. If you were my girlfriend youd be pissed at me for sleeping with Laura a half hour after we broke up.
Phoebe (mad): You only waited a half hour?!
Joey: What are you getting mad for? Was there some time limit I was supposed to observe before sleeping with someone else?
Phoebe: Yes!
Joey: Oh.
Phoebe: You were supposed to wait an hour. Whats the matter with you?
Joey: Im Joey, I dont know that there are rules. Why do you think Im still single?
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross and Chandler are talking)
Ross: Ah, whats the problem with Monica?
Chandler: What do you think?
Ross: So its a dry spell. It happens to every couple.
Chandler: Has it happened to you and Rachel?
Ross: No! What would make you think that?
Chandler: But you just said it happens to every couple!
Ross: Well it hasnt happened to Rachel and I. Look, have you tried to entice her?
Chandler: Shes not a dog Ross.
Ross: Thats not what I meant. Have you tried giving her flowers, cleaning the apartment, making her dinner, stuff like that?
Chandler: No, Ive been really busy with work.
Ross: Whats more important to you, your job or your marriage?
Chandler: My marriage of course.
Ross: A marriage doesnt just exist, youve got to work at it.
Chandler: You would know youve been married four times.
Ross: Forget it, Im not helping you.
Chandler: Come on Ross, I was joking. Seriously, I dont want to lose your sister.
Ross: You need to do something nice for Monica. If that doesnt work, maybe you two should go see a marriage counselor.
Chandler: I dont need some shrink to tell me how to improve my sex life. I know how to have sex.
Ross: And when was the last time you guys had sex?
Chandler: Marriage counseling could be the answer.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Rachel and Monica have returned from shopping)
Monica: Chandler, are you here?
Rachel: Doesnt look like it. The place is still spotless. Now tell me whats going on.
Monica: I dont where to start.
Rachel: Well explain to me why you and Chandler havent had sex for three weeks.
Monica: I just havent been in that place. I just dont want him touching me.
Rachel: Why not?
Monica: If I knew we wouldnt be talking now.
Rachel: Do you still love Chandler?
Monica: Yes! Why would you think I dont love him?
Rachel: I was just asking.
Monica: Ive been having sex since I was 17, I think I got over that fear a long time ago.
Rachel: Did you have a miscarriage at 17?
Monica (tears filling her eyes): No! Why in the hell did you bring that up?
Rachel: Because thats what I think the problem is.
Monica (crying): Weve had plenty of sex since that happened.
Rachel: Was it enjoyable for you?
Monica: Huh?
Rachel: Did you make love to Chandler or did you just accommodate him? (long period of silence) Monica?
Monica: To accommodate him.
Rachel: Dont you miss making love to Chandler?
Monica: Yeah. I really do. I just fear that Im gonna get pregnant again.
Rachel: But I thought you wanted to get pregnant.
Monica: I do. I want a baby so bad.
Rachel: Then why are you afraid?
Monica: What if I have another miscarriage?
Rachel: What if you dont?
Monica: Its not that simple. You have no idea what its been like.
Rachel: No I dont, but Im your best friend and my door is always open. You just need to talk the whole thing through with someone.
Monica: I just want to get the passion back into our marriage. Were just going through the motions. If I were Chandler, Id have left by now.
Rachel: Well Chandler hasnt left. He obviously still loves you very much.
Monica: Calling me icicle woman is showing that he loves me?
Rachel: Chandlers just being Chandler. Deep down, we both know that he cares for you. He just doesnt know how to get through to you. He doesnt know what youre feeling because you havent shared your feelings about the miscarriage. Youve just swept those feelings under the rug in hopes that theyd magically disappear.
Monica: They havent magically disappeared yet?
Rachel: Doesnt look like it. That only happens in sitcoms.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Chandler is present)
Rachel (to Phoebe and Joey): So you two broke up?
Phoebe: Yeah, monogamy is for suckers.
Joey: Amen to that.
Monica: Wheres Chandler?
Ross: He told me that he had some things to take care of at work and that hed be home by 6:30 pm.
Monica: Oh.
Rachel: Whats everyone doing for dinner?
Ross: Well you and I are going to my folks.
Rachel: Thats tonight?
Ross: Yes, I told you this morning about that.
Rachel: No you didnt.
Ross: Yes I did.
Rachel: Its not nice to lie Ross.
Ross: Im not lying, you are just experiencing selected memory syndrome again.
Joey: See Phoebe, fighting, we never did that.
Ross: Were not fighting, were discussing our dinner arrangements.
Phoebe: Sounds like fighting to me.
Monica: Youre going to Mom and Dads? Why werent Chandler and I invited?
Ross: You were. But Chandler told them you guys already had plans.
Monica: We dont have any plans. What is the matter with him?
Rachel: Dont look at me, hes your husband.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Chandler is busy preparing dinner as Monica enters)
Monica (dejected): Hey.
Chandler: Hey honey.
Monica: What are you doing? Whats with all the flowers and stuff?
Chandler: Im making a romantic dinner for us.
Monica: Are you feeling ok?
Chandler: I feel great.
Monica: Oh, I thought you might not be feeling well cause youre actually making dinner. Whats for dinner?
Chandler: My specialty.
Monica: Grilled cheese and macaroni & cheese?
Chandler: You got it.
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: Yeah?
Monica: Do you love me?
Chandler: More than you can imagine. Do you love me?
Monica: I really do.
Chandler: Its just a dry spell, it happens to all couples.
Monica: Im afraid to have sex.
Chandler: Run that by me again.
Monica: Its not you honey, you havent done anything wrong, its me.
Chandler: So youre not mad at me for spilling coffee all over the rug?
Monica: You spilled coffee on the rug?
Chandler: No. Hypothetical question. (pause) Why are you afraid to have sex?
Monica: Im afraid to get pregnant again.
Chandler: I thought that was what you wanted. What we wanted.
Monica: I think I need to talk to someone about my miscarriage.
Chandler: Thats what Im here for Mon.
Monica: No sweetie, I need to talk to a professional.
Chandler: Can I come?
Monica: Why do you wanna come?
Chandler: So I can better understand where youre coming from. You havent really been into it when we have had sex since that happened.
Monica: Youve noticed?
Chandler: Yeah, except for that episode at Disneyland, youve come across like youre accommodating me.
Monica: Im sorry.
Chandler: Whats there to be sorry about? Im just glad to know why youve been acting so distant.
Monica: So youll come with me?
Chandler: I wouldnt miss it. Come here. (Monica goes over and hugs Chandler)
Monica: I love you.
Chandler: I love you too.
Monica: Now where did you spill the coffee?
Chandler: I see some things havent changed.
CLOSING CREDITS
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Ross and Rachel are present)
Ross: So are you bummed that you and Pheebs broke up?
Joey: Not at all. Its the greatest breakup ever. And besides, I get to go back to my ways.
Rachel: I guess we better warn the single female population in the tri-state area.
Joey: Very funny.
(a woman enters Central Perk)
Rachel: Ah Joey, I think you know that woman.
Ross: Where?
Rachel: She just walked in.
Woman: Joey?
Joey: Oh my God, Courteney, what are you doing here and where in Gods name is my stuff?