TOW The Babies

by: Liz Ackerley

[This ‘episode’ would take place a little while after The One Hundredth episode. It refers to several previous episodes, including the end of Season 4 and the first 3 episodes of Season 5, so if you’re not up to speed, and don’t want it spoiled, please don’t read on.

Otherwise, please read on to (hopefully!) enjoy my first attempt at Fanfic]


[SCENE: Monica & Rachel’s apartment. Monica is pouring juice into a glass. Joey and Rachel enter. Each is carrying a shopping bag.]

Rachel: (to Monica) Hey! (to Joey) Thanks, Joey – I’ll go get my checkbook.

[Rachel takes the bag from Joey and walks across to her bedroom]

Monica: (calls to Rachel) I’m gonna start carrying your shopping too if you’re gonna be that generous!

Rachel: (re-entering) Har, har, Mon – I left my checkbook and all my cards in my other purse, and didn’t notice until I tried to pay with a library card. And even that had expired. Lucky for me, Joey was there and subbed me. (To Joey) Although why you were in the lingerie department, I don’t know.

Joey: Hey, I was just…

Rachel: (interrupting) I’m not asking! (Starts writing check) Okay, what’s today’s date?

Joey: The sixth.

Monica: It is not!

Joey: Sure it is – I had that big audition for that ketchup commercial yesterday – I’ve had the fifth ringed on the calendar for, like, WEEKS.

Monica: (Goes to a calendar on a cupboard door) What happened to last month? There’s no way it’s the sixth already. It can’t be nearly a month since, since… (Stares in disbelief at the calendar)

[Cut to FLASHBACK SCENE: TOW Ross’s Wedding. Chandler’s hotel room. Chandler and Monica are lying in the bed together talking. There’s an awkward air between them. They are both clutching the covers in from of them.]

Chandler: Well I’ve-I’ve never done that with you before.

Monica: (In an uneasy voice.) Nope. (She chuckles uneasily.)

[Cut to FLASHBACK SCENE: TOW All the Kissing. Chandler and Joey's Bathroom, Chandler and Monica are sharing a candlelight bubble bath while drinking champagne and they clink their glasses.]

[BACK TO PRESENT DAY. Monica jumps as she spills a little juice down her front, bringing her back to reality]

Joey: What? Since Ross’s Wedding? I know – it’s gone real quick – and so much stuff has happened!

Monica: (To herself, still staring at the calendar) Well, there’s one thing that hasn’t happened yet – and it’s WAY overdue!




[SCENE: Monica’s bedroom. Monica is looking through a diary and counting aloud]

Monica: Twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two! (Pause) Twenty-three, twenty-four…(continues to count silently) Thirty-eight! No way! That would make me, like, more than two weeks overdue! (Suddenly confident) It’s a mistake! I must have miscounted or something. (Counts again). Oh my god! (Looks both upset and shocked)

Rachel: (From outside bedroom) Mon? We’re going down for coffee – you coming?

Monica: (Slightly panicky) I, I, err, I just need a minute!

Rachel: (Concerned) You okay?

Monica: Huh? Oh! Yeah – fine – great – I, err, I just wanna get changed. You go ahead – I’ll catch up.

Rachel: ‘Kay – see you there – we’ll order for you.

Monica: (To herself, walking about room) Okay. Okay. I just need a few minutes. Get my head together. Try to act normal. (Notices she’s pacing and stops suddenly. Sits on the bed) Deep breaths. (Starts breathing deeply and determinedly) I’m calm. I’m in control. There is nothing at all to worry about. (Pause. Then she grabs the pillow, puts it over her face and screams)


[SCENE: Central Perk. Joey and Rachel are on the sofa. Monica walks in wearing the same clothes – the juice stain is obvious. She sits in the armchair]

Rachel: Here you go. (Pushes a coffee over to her) I got you de-caff – I didn’t think you’d be wanting any caffeine.

Monica: (Panicky) What?! Why, why do you think I shouldn’t have caffeine?! What’s wrong with me that I should be drinking de-caff?!

Rachel: Whoa! Slow down there girl! Listen to yourself – that’s exactly why you don’t need any more. How many cups did you have this morning, anyway?

Monica: (Realising what Rachel thinks, and jumping at the suggestion) Oh, yeah! Well, yeah, maybe more than usual.

[Ross, Phoebe and Chandler come in, and start over to the sofa]

Rachel: Well, I knew there had to be something – even you don’t usually go hyper over not knowing what date it is. (To the three just coming in) Hey guys – where’ve you been?

[Ross sits on the arm of Monica’s chair, Phoebe sits on the sofa next to Joey, Chandler sits on the other chair. Monica looks at Chandler and starts to look preoccupied and worried]

Ross: Well, I’ve been over to see Ben, and Pheebs and Chandler have been over to see the triplets.

Joey: (To Chandler) That’s, like, the third time you’ve been over there – what is it with you and these kids?

Ross: I think that even though Baby Chandler is actually a girl, our Chandler is developing into a bit of a Narcissus. (Gets blank looks from all) (Sighs, and explains) Phoebe says Chandler is spending all his time adoring Baby Chandler, and completely ignoring the other two.

Phoebe: Alice even tried to trick him this time, and gave him Leslie to hold. He just glanced down, said "This isn’t Chandler", gave her to me, and then took Chandler off Frank!

Rachel: Wow! You can even tell them apart!

Phoebe: He even does the baby talk!

Chandler: (Embarrassed) I do not!

Phoebe: Oh, you do!

Chandler: I’m just, y’know, trying to make an effort for Alice and Frank’s sake.

Phoebe: Then the "who’s the sweetest little cutie, then?" was for their benefit?

[The others (except Monica) laugh]

Chandler: (Beaten) Okay, okay, I admit it – I gushed a little bit. But only a little bit. (Stands up) And now I’ll go get some coffee which will give you the chance to laugh outrageously at my embarrassment. (Starts towards the counter)

Phoebe: (Quickly, before he’s out of earshot) Okay, "you little honeykins, you"!

[The others (again except Monica) burst into laughter again. Chandler stops dead, but then carries on]

Ross: Well, Mon – how do you fancy looking after a child?

[Monica has been looking over to where Chandler is standing, and has not been listening. Suddenly snaps back into reality.]

Monica: What?! Why do you say that?

Ross: (A bit surprised by her reaction) Just that I’ve got Ben tomorrow, but I may need to go into the Museum for an hour, and I wondered if you’d take him.

Monica: Oh! Oh, right – yeah, okay.

Rachel: Wow, Mon, you’re really jumpy – I’d say stay on the de-caff for the rest of the afternoon. You’re not yourself at all.

Phoebe: Oh – that would explain it! (The others look at her) Ross, you may want to move from there so that there’s a clear route to the door. (Ross just looks at her) Okay, I’m serious.

[Ross moves behind the sofa, mouthing ‘okay’]

Phoebe: Okay. Mon – I don’t want you to be alarmed. If you’re not feeling yourself, it’s perfectly understandable that you’ve not noticed that you’ve got a, well, a (choosing her words carefully) SMALL, umm, stain on your front.

[They all lean away from Monica, expecting a huge outburst]

Monica: Huh? (Looks down at herself) Oh!

[Pause. Then the others talk among themselves:]

Ross: Okay, why isn’t she screaming and running for the door?

Rachel: This is very weird.

Joey: And she’s wearing the same clothes as when she spilt the juice – (To Rachel) didn’t you say she was gonna get changed before she came out?

Phoebe: You mean that is an (incredulous) OLD STAIN?!!

[They all gasp and stare at Monica. She now realises she’s not acting normally (for her) and is making the others suspicious]

Monica: Oh! OH! (Faking a reaction) Oh my god! How did that happen! And it’s drying! It’s DRYING! Oh no!!

[Monica rushes out of Central Perk, as Chandler comes back with two coffees which he hands to Phoebe and Ross. He is completely unfazed by Monica’s sudden loud departure.]

Chandler: Monica just noticed that stain?

Ross, Phoebe, Joey, Rachel: Yeah! Huh-uh!

[They relax, reassured]


[SCENE: Monica & Rachel’s apartment. Rachel and Phoebe enter. Before they close the door:]

Rachel: (calling) Bye-bye, little munchkin!

Phoebe: You delicious little darling, you!

[They laugh, and we hear Joey laughing]

Joey: (From outside) Oww! Chandler!

Chandler: (From outside) Oh, Joey – was that your HEAD?!

[Monica enters from her bedroom. She is dressed for work.]

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: Hey! You off to work already? Aren’t you a bit early?

Monica: Yeah, but I need to, umm, buy a, err, something on my way there. I’ll see you later.

Phoebe & Rachel: Bye!

[Monica leaves]

[SCENE: The hallway between the two apartments. Chandler is standing outside his apartment looking annoyed as Monica leaves her apartment.]

Monica: What’re you doing out here?

Chandler: Joey is telling the chick and the duck!

Monica: About Baby Chandler and…

Chandler: (Interrupting) Yes! It’s bad enough that you all thought it was funny! (Raising voice to carry through to apartment) But I refuse to stand there and be laughed at by WILDFOWL!!

[We hear the sound of the duck quacking in the laughing way ducks have]

Monica: So you’ll stand out here and be laughed at instead.

Chandler: (He sighs) I know, I know. I just get this weird feeling when I’m around her, you know? Ross is Ben’s actual father, so when he acts goofy over him, we don’t think anything of it. And Joey has so many nephews and nieces with all those sisters of his that I suppose he’s past the goofy stage. But, I don’t know, I suppose I feel kinda, well, PATERNAL towards Chandler because she was named after me. (Pause) Although that in itself should be enough to keep me in therapy for some time!

Monica: I thought it was only us women who got broody!

Chandler: (Laughs, and starts to pull Monica into an embrace) It is – men just have a natural desire to pass on their genes to propagate the species. (Pause) According to the Discovery Channel, that is – and Joey did ask what his Levis had to do with sex. [Pause as they smile in a "typical Joey" way] But , hey – if I ever did get really broody, don’t forget we have a pact to have a child together when we’re 40.

Monica: (Taking a big breath) Well, now you’ve mentioned…

[Phoebe rushes out of Monica & Rachel’s flat – Monica and Chandler break apart hurriedly]

Phoebe: MON?! Oh, good! You haven’t gone yet – I’ve got to do some shopping on my way home, so I’ll come with you.

[Monica looks disappointed, and smiles falsely at Phoebe]


[SCENE: Late next morning, Monica & Rachel’s apartment. Joey and Chandler are eating breakfast there, Monica is with them. She reaches for the juice carton.]

Joey: Oh, you’re out of juice.

Monica: (Trying to pour juice, and getting nothing) No kidding!

[She goes to the fridge to get a new carton]

Monica: It seems like you guys just expect us to provide you breakfast nearly every day. And dinner quite a lot, come to think of it. How about some reciprocation sometime, huh?

[Pause, as she looks at them, then at the juice in her hand. They haven’t turned to look at her, and she quickly pushes the juice into a cupboard, then stands behind them]

Monica: In fact, since we’re out of juice, how about fetching some for me…

[Chandler starts to stand, and Monica puts her hand on his shoulder to stop him]

Monica: …Joey?

Joey: Oh, okay

[He starts towards the door]

Monica: They sell it at…

Joey: It’s okay – I think we got some in our apartment – I’ll check there first.

[He leaves, and Monica looks disappointed he’s going to be back so quickly]

Chandler: (Thinks Monica is trying to get him on his own for ‘intimate’ reasons, and puts his arm around her waist to pull her to him) We’d better be quick then!

Monica: No, no – I don’t want to… – I mean, I do, but not now – I need to…

[They hear the bathroom door open and they pull apart. Rachel comes out in a dressing gown with a towel round her hair]

Rachel: Hey!

Monica & Chandler: (subdued) Hey!

[They watch Rachel walk over to her bedroom. As soon as her door closes they turn to each other.]

Monica: Chandler, I have to…

Phoebe: (sticking her head round the door) Hey guys!

[They jump]

Monica: Oh! Oh, hey Pheebs! (Glances at Chandler) Umm, Pheebs – will you do me a favour, and ask Joey if he has any, err, any peanut butter, please? He’s fetching us some juice.

Phoebe: Sure.

[She leaves]

Monica: Okay, I…

[Rachel’s bedroom door opens]

Rachel: Did I just hear Phoebe?

Monica: Yeah! (Getting desperate) Do ya wanna talk to her? She’s over with Joey now – you could go talk to her there!

Rachel: (Walking over to apartment door) I just wondered if she’d give me a shoulder massage before I get dressed – she did it last week, and I felt great all day!

[Rachel leaves]

Monica: (Quickly) Chandler-I-need-to-talk-to-you-without-the-others-knowing – it’s-important-and-it-must-be-in-private.

[Chandler opens his mouth to reply as Rachel, Phoebe & Joey enter – Rachel has clearly met them in the hall]

Chandler: (Looking at the three coming in) Well, now, that shouldn’t be hard to arrange!




[SCENE: Balcony of Monica & Rachel’s apartment, a little after the previous scene. Monica is there, Chandler is just coming out]

Chandler: Okay, Joey’s watching TV – what about Pheebs & Rach?

Monica: In Rachel’s room – Phoebe’s giving her that massage. If they come out, or Joey comes over, we should see them first.

Chandler: And Ross?

Monica: Over at Carol’s.

Chandler: Well, that accounts for everyone – should we be synchronising watches or something? This is like an undercover operation – what’s so important?

Monica: (Unsure of what to say, and stalling for time) I, err, I just wanted to see you, you know, talk to you a little, see how you are,…

Chandler: (Seeing through the ploy) Mon? (She stops) C’mon – what’s wrong?

Monica: (Slightly despairingly) Oh god, Chandler, there’s no easy way to say this, I-I…

Chandler: (Takes her shoulders) Whoa-whoa, Mon – is this about (indicates) ‘us’ again? Are you worried about what’s happening between us? Pl-please don’t tell me you wanna go back to just ‘being friends’, because I don’t think I can – not now.

Monica: (Puts her hands on his chest) No! No, no – it’s not that. It’s…(Pause, then looks at him) Chandler, I-I think I might be pregnant.

[Pause. Then Chandler hugs Monica briefly around the shoulders tightly]

Chandler: Wow. [Pause] Are you, are you sure about it?

Monica: No! Not yet. My period is, like, more than two weeks overdue. And I didn’t even notice until yesterday! With everything that’s happened lately – Ross’s wedding, Phoebe and the triplets, and, well, us – I completely lost track of the time.

Chandler: You’ve not taken a test yet?

Monica: No – I was going to buy one on my way to work yesterday, but Phoebe came with me, (laughs slightly) and I thought it might be a little hard to explain to her. So that’s why I’m not sure yet. (Pause) Maybe I’ll just go to my doctor – I could probably get an appointment for the day after tomorrow.

Chandler: Are you sure you wanna wait until then to know?

Monica: I think so – you saw this morning how much privacy there is around here – one of the others would be sure to find out something – I don’t think I’m even ready for them to know about us yet, let alone this.


Chandler: Any idea when it might have happened?

Monica: I think it must’ve been that first time – I mean, while we’ve been home, we’ve been really careful. But in London, we were both, well – let’s face it – if it hadn’t been for the amount of alcohol we’d had, we probably wouldn’t have been in bed together anyway!

Chandler: Yeah, but could it really have been then? I mean, a lot of the details are hazy, but I vividly remember, you know, um, well, BEING CAREFUL twice.

Monica: (Thoughtful) Do you think we were as careful the third time?

Chandler: (Surprised) There, there was a third time?

Monica: (Dreamily) Ooo yes! (Pause. Then thoughtful) I, err, think there was even a fourth time. I’m not sure – I remember having a giggling fit and falling off the bed about that time.

Chandler: (Suspiciously) Why would you be laughing?

[Monica starts to smile and is about to say something, but sees Chandler’s face. She stops smiling]

Monica: I, I don’t remember.

Chandler: Oh. (Pause) Okay, we’ve got a final tally of ‘maybe four’. (Pause) And those things come in packs of three.


[SCENE: Monica & Rachel’s apartment. Monica, Rachel, Phoebe & Ben are there. Ben is asleep on Monica’s knee, Rachel is showing something in a magazine to Monica, and Phoebe is working out a song on her guitar.]

Phoebe: (Singing) "… and the hamsters have got a new wheel!" Cool – I’ll use that! (Packing up guitar) Okay you guys – it’s nearly time for my spot – are you coming?

Monica: I’ll wait until Ross comes to pick Ben up, then I’ll come down.

Rachel: You go ahead, Pheebs – I’ll follow you.

Phoebe: Okay.

[Ross enters]

Ross: Hey! (Sees Ben asleep) Wow – how d’ya manage that – he never naps for me!

Phoebe: (On her way out) Never under-estimate my powers! (Ross looks at her) Ross, I sang to him – not performed some sort of pagan ritual! (She leaves)

Rachel: (Looking slightly pained at the memory) She sang "Raindrops on roses" again.

Monica: When she started on "Smelly Cat", we think he fell asleep in self-defence.

[Joey enters]

Joey: Hey! Pheebs is on her way down to the coffee house – you coming?

Rachel: Yeah – let me grab my jacket. (She goes to her bedroom)

Monica: (To Ross) If you wanna go down and let Ben sleep a little longer, I’ll stay with him.

Ross: Thanks, Mon, but I have to get him back to Carol’s.

Monica: Okay. (To Rachel as she comes out of her room) You and Joey go down, and I’ll follow you when Ross has gone.

Rachel: Okay – bye Ross! (In a whisper) Bye-bye Ben!

Joey: Later Ross!

Ross: Bye, you guys.

[Rachel and Joey leave]

Ross: It’s great how you guys are around Ben – I remember when he was first born, he always seemed to cry on you – now you’re the one he wants to sleep on. And when Rachel and I were together, she really wasn’t comfortable with him for quite a while – she just didn’t know what to do with him. And then she was the one he spoke to first.

Monica: Yeah, I remember. (Pause) Ross, I don’t know how to put this subtly, so I’ll just come out with it – how are things between you and Rachel? I’ve not really seen you on your own to ask, but you seem to have sorted things out.

Ross: Yeah – I think we’ve cleared the air between us properly at last. And without an argument for once!

Monica: And Emily?

Ross: Still no word – I’m not gonna give up though – somehow I’ll get her to talk to me. (Sighs) I’ve even thought of going over to England again – but I wouldn’t know where to start looking – and her father made it quite clear he’s not going to ‘demean’ himself talking to me again, so there’s no help there.

Monica: Keep trying honey.

Ross: It’s all I can do. (Pause) I’d better get Ben’s stuff together.

Monica: The bag’s in my room.

[Ross goes into Monica’s bedroom as Chandler enters the apartment. He sees Monica holding Ben and does a double-take]

Chandler: Whoa! Have I been gone longer than I thought, or is this a miracle of modern science? I thought it still took nine months for pregnancy?

[Monica sushes him as Ross comes out of the bedroom with the bag and Ben’s jacket]

Chandler: Oh! Hey, Ross!

Ross: Hey! (To Ben, who is waking up) Come on, Ben, we have to get you home to Mommy.

[Monica and Ross put Ben’s jacket on as he sits on Monica’s knee. Then Ross and Ben go to the door]

Monica & Chandler: Bye Ross! Bye-bye Ben!

Ross: (Encouraging Ben) Bye-bye Monica! Bye-bye Chandler!

Ben: (Waving) Bye-bye!

Ross: I’ll see you later, guys!

[Ross and Ben leave]

Chandler: Sorry about that – I thought you were on your own.

Monica: That’s okay – even if he heard, I don’t think it meant anything to him.

Chandler: It’s hard keeping secrets from the others, isn’t it? We share everything else. I’ve just stopped short of telling Joey about us, like, a dozen times.

Monica: Yeah, sometimes I’ve mentioned things in front of Rachel and Phoebe, and then had to back track pretty quickly!

Chandler: We may have to tell them soon, anyway. I mean, they’re bound to be at least a bit curious about who the father is.


Monica: You know, Chandler – it’s just occurred to me that you’ve assumed I’ll keep the baby!

Chandler: Oh god! Oh, Mon, I’m sorry – it just never occurred to me to ask you – I just thought you’d want to keep it, and I…

Monica: No! No, Chandler! Shh! I just want to ask you something. (Pause) What’s your gut reaction to this?

Chandler: What do you mean?

[Monica takes his hands in hers]

Monica: I mean, don’t think about how it would affect us, or our lives, or about how you think I feel, or about the hundred other things that come into the equation with babies – just tell me how you feel.

[A long pause. Then Chandler hugs her tight]

Chandler: (Emotionally) Please keep it, Mon – please keep it!

Monica: Oh, thank god! (They break slightly) I hoped you weren’t just willing to go along with it because you know how I feel about having children.

Chandler: I think knowing about that is probably why I never thought to ask you. But I shouldn’t have just assumed – I’m sorry.

Monica: It’s okay. (Pause) So when I thought you were broody yesterday, I was right, huh?

Chandler: Well…maybe a little bit.

Monica: Go on – how much of a little bit?

Chandler: Okay, don’t get mad at me – quite a big little bit. Like, I sometimes can see me coming home from work to a nice house, and there’s a little girl there who runs up to me when I go in the door, and I pick her up and, and I hug her so tight…


Monica: Umm, am, am I there?

Chandler: Well, there’s a great smell coming from the kitchen, so I’m guessing yeah! (Pause) Yeah – you’re there, and, and you’re holding a little boy in your arms, and I-I-I’m going to shut up now. (Pause) I’ve assumed too much again, haven’t I?

Monica: No – it’s a real nice picture – but according to Joey’s idea of it, there’s a few things missing.

Chandler: Like what?

Monica: Well, apart from the fact that you should be a blond called Hoyt, there should be another little girl, a swimming pool and a sign saying "We don’t swim in your toilet, so don’t pee in our pool".

Chandler: (Looking incredulous) EWWW!!

Monica: I know, I know, but Joey gave it to us!


[SCENE: Next morning, the hallway between the two apartments. Chandler is just leaving for work; Monica is coming up the stairs]

Chandler: Hey! You’ve been out early.

Monica: Yeah – I didn’t sleep too well. I went for a walk – in fact I’ve been walking and thinking since about five-thirty in Central Park.

Chandler: What!? How did you not get attacked!?

[Monica pulls her jacket open to show a large spanner in the inside pocket]

Chandler: That would do it! (Pause) I don’t think I need to ask why you didn’t sleep.

Monica: Actually, I’m not worrying about whether I’m pregnant or not – there’s nothing I can do to change that. I’ve been thinking about how we would tell the others, and how they’d react.

Chandler: Yeah – I’ve been worrying about it too. I mean, Joey would think it was ‘cool’ – I know that much about him. Pheebs would probably be just the same. Rachel?

Monica: I think she’d be great – you know, really supportive.

Chandler: That just leaves Ross.

Monica: (Worried) Yeah. Have you thought how he’d react?

Chandler: Ooo yeah! Several times. In graphic detail. At one point, a baseball bat was involved.

Monica: No! He wouldn’t be like that, he’d be, well…okay, he might be a little, umm…

Chandler: Violent?

Monica: Protective! But I think he’d be okay – I mean, it was him who took the baseball bat off Dad when my parents found out about me and Richard!

Chandler: Thanks Mon! That’s a picture that’s really gonna help!


[SCENE: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Sound of key in lock, then Chandler enters carrying briefcase – just coming home from work. Pushes door behind him, but it’s caught by Monica before it shuts and she puts her head around]

Monica: (Quietly) Hey!

Chandler: (Has put case on counter, and turns) Hey! Come on in.

Monica: (Still quietly) Joey here?

Chandler: No – I saw him in the coffee house when I came past.

[Monica comes in and closes door]

Monica: Good – I needed to talk to you. I’ve been watching for you coming in.

Chandler: (Apprehensive) Wha-what is it? Do you know something? Did you manage to see the doctor today instead of tomorrow?

Monica: No – and I don’t need to go – it was a false alarm – I got my period!

Chandler: You got your…you mean you’re not…we’re not gonna…?

Monica: I mean I’m not pregnant.

Chandler: (Breathes out) Wow! I mean, PHEW!! This is so…

Monica: Isn’t it!? No more worrying! We can just (voice becomes falsely cheerful) carry on as normal! Go back to our usual selves!

Chandler: (Also falsely cheerful) Yeah! Just back to our normal lives!

Monica: Yeah!

[Long pause while they just look at each other. Then Chandler puts his arms out]

Chandler: C’mere!

[Monica sobs and buries her head in his chest]




[SCENE: Central Perk. Phoebe enters. The others are already there.]

Phoebe: Oh great, you all got the message.

Ross: What’s the deal, Pheebs? Your message said to meet here, but not what for.

Phoebe: Okay, Frank and Alice asked me to get you all together – they’re gonna meet us here, but I don’t know what for.

Joey: Ooo – big secret, huh?

Phoebe: Oh, no – they told me, but I couldn’t really hear properly with all the crying in the background. It sounded like they want to know your parents, or something.

[Alice and Frank enter with the babies]

Phoebe: Anyway, they should be… (sees them) Oh, they’re here!

[Everyone in Central Perk is looking at the triplets and making ‘aww’ sounds. Within a few seconds of Frank and Alice getting to the sofa, Ross is holding Baby Leslie, with Rachel trying to get her attention; Joey is playing with Baby Frank as though he’s older, until Phoebe makes Joey hold him properly; Chandler is holding Baby Chandler and is ‘gushing’, with Monica looking at him with amusement.]

Alice: (Trying to get their attention) Um, you guys? Frank and I have something we wanna ask you all.

[They quieten down, except for Chandler, who hasn’t heard]

Chandler: …yes, you are! And I’m your Uncle Chandler – yes I am! And you’re the cutest little… [suddenly realises everyone is looking at him. He stops and bundles Baby Chandler into Monica’s arms without another word.]

Frank: Well, it’s kinda like, well, there are three of them, and six of you, and three of you are boys and three of you are girls.

[Everyone looks puzzled]

Alice: What we want to know is, would you six be god-parents for Frank, Leslie and Chandler? You’re such good friends, that it’s been like having you all as family, not just Phoebe. What do you say?

Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, Joey, Phoebe: Of course! Yeah! Sure!

Alice: Oh, wonderful!

Frank: Yeah, that’s like, really cool!

Alice: Of course, it won’t be for a little while yet.

Joey: Oh, yeah – I mean, you want to get to know our parents first, right? (Sees the looks from the others) What?!