Hi guys! This is not a season 5 premiere fanfic, but just a season 5 episode fanfic. Why? Because, first of all, it doesn’t start after Ross said “I take thee, Rachel.” I’m simply assuming that Ross doesn’t get to marry Emily (to satisfy R&R fans as well! =)) and they’re all back in New York. Just read the script and hope you like it. Don’t forget to tell me what you think!

(A Season 5 Episode)
by: Shasha

(SCENE 1: LONDON. The infamous church scene, only it’s Chandler and Monica’s wedding: Monica is wearing Emily’s wedding dress, and Chandler is in Ross’ tux.)

PRIEST: Now, Chandler Bing, repeat after me. I, Chandler…

CHAN: (faces Monica) I, Chandler…

PRIEST: Take thee, Monica…

CHAN: Take thee, Kathy…huh…Monica…

(The crowd gasps, a shot of Kathy sitting on the back, wearing a shocked expression that Rachel would have used. Next, a shot of Monica, her eyes widening like Emily’s, and slowly sinking in the ground.)

MNCA: (screaming hysterically) NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

(FADE OUT: Shot of Monica’s bedroom as she wakes up, panting heavily. She turns to look at Chandler’s sleeping figure beside her. After a thought, she shoves Chandler hard and he lands flat on the floor.)

MNCA: (a satisfied smile on her face as she lies down again) And if you ever said Janice, I’d throw you out the window.


(SCENE 2: STILL IN MONICA’S BEDROOM. The next day. Chandler wakes up and is surprised to find himself on the floor.)

CHAN: Uh, Mon…why am I kissing this nice, of course very polished floor?

MNCA: (embarrassed at what she’d done) Err…you were having bad dreams honey. These are new sheets.

CHAN: (confused) It was bad? I’ve been dreaming of four naked ladies in a hot tub, calling out to me. One of them was YASMINE BLEETH! (Monica gives him a hard stare) Such a terrible, terrible dream. Let me pinch myself again.

MNCA: (cuddles up to Chandler) Well, honey, since you’ve woken up, let me give you something else to dream about…(they kiss passionately and Chandler jumps back into the bed energetically)
(Rachel knocks on the door)

RACH: (from outside) Mon? You there? I just got back from Phoebe’s. Can we talk?

MNCA: (whispering) Oh no! Rachel’s back. Quick! Get out of here!

CHAN: (panicky as he grabs Monica’s pink robe and wears it, not realizing what he was doing) What? Now?
How am I suppose to do that when she’s hovering over the door?

MNCA: (looks around the room frantically) Use the window! It leads to the balcony, then run out the door when I let her inside here. Go! Go! Move it, fat ass!

CHAN: What did you call me? (hurt and annoyed)

MNCA: (shocked at what she just said) Err…I said: ‘Can you please hurry it up, love?’

CHAN: I know that’s NOT what you said, but okay. You love me? (looks deep in Monica’s eyes) ‘Cause I god damn love you so much.

MNCA: (pleased) Really? You…love…me?

RACH: (from outside, whiny) Yes, Monica. I love you, if that’s what you want me to say. BUT I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU NOW!

(Chandler and Monica jumps in surprise, momentarily forgetting Rachel was outside the bedroom door. After one last kiss, Chandler hurriedly climbs out the window, but slips and falls on the floor)

RACH: Mon? What was that?

MNCA: (to Rachel) Uh…er…that was...me. OWWWW! (helps Chandler up as he opens his mouth, silently saying “oww” too)

RACH: (shot of her face, confused) Well, let me in! I’ll help you.

MNCA: No! I got it..thanks…my butt’s so much used to being the punching bag of the whole football team in high school…(fake laugh) haha…(ushers Chandler to the window with shooing motions. Chandler gives her a weak thumbs-up sign as he slowly steps on the balcony)

RACH: MONICA GELLER! Are you hiding something from me?

MNCA: No, no, no, no…Why would I hide something from you? No siree…never in a hundred trillion years…hehe…(quickly stuffs a pillow under her butt and opens the door) Hi Rachel. What a nice surprise. Come on in. (yanks Rachel inside, and looks around the apartment for Chandler. A shot of Chandler just entering from the balcony. Monica waves and Chandler mouths the words ‘Call you later’ before running to the door, skipping happily)

RACH: (puts her hands on her hips) Mon…what is going on?

MNCA: Nothing. You just woke me up, that’s all. (out of the corner of one eye, kicks Chandler’s sweats and shirt under the bed)

RACH: (eyes Monica skeptically, but shrugs) Okay. Anyway, I want to talk to you…about the London thingy. You know…

MNCA: (nods quickly) Yeah, sure. Let’s have a cup of coffee and then we can talk.
(They head to the kitchen. Rachel automatically sits and buries her face in her hands while Monica makes the coffee)

RACH: God, I’m so stupid. Why did I go to London? I ruined Ross wedding. His life. Everything.

MNCA: Oh, don’t say that Rach. You didn’t do anything. Ross was the one who screwed up. He shouldn’t have gone through with the wedding if he still has…those feelings he has.

RACH: (wanting to be convinced) Really? You think so?

MNCA: Sure! Now do you feel better?

RACH: (looks at Monica for a long time) Y..y…no.

MNCA: Oh, honey. (they hug.)

(ROSS enters.)

ROSS: Oh. (looks at the girls) Sorry. I’ll just wait for my turn…outside. (turns around quickly just as Joey enters. They bump with each other hard)

JOEY: Awww…man. (shakes his head)

ROSS: (stammering) S..sorry, Joey. Are you…ok?

JOEY: (confused) Joey? Who’s Joey?


(SCENE 3: MONICA & RACHEL’S APARTMENT. Monica and Rachel rushes over to Joey, who’s rubbing his head. Ross grips Joey’s shoulders tightly) ROSS: Joey. You’re Joey. Joey Tribbianni. Don’t you remember?

JOEY: Huh?

ROSS: You’re my good buddy. You live across the hall.

JOEY: (scratches his head) Huh?

RACH: Joey, honey…

JOEY: (turns to look at Rachel, uses his old pick up line) Hey…how you doin’?
(Rachel looks stunned)

MNCA: Joey! (Joey looks at Monica and opens his mouth to say the same thing) Save it.

RACH: Oh my god! What are we going to do? (on the verge of tears)

MNCA: Ross, you and Rachel get Joey to a doctor (looks at Joey, who’s eyeing her up and down, and winking at
her)…fast. I’ll tell Chandler what’s happening. (runs out the door)

(Ross and Rachel look at each other uncomfortably)

ROSS: Uh…we’d better get going.

RACH: Yeah, sure. Let’s go.

(They slowly walk out the door)

JOEY: (holds a portrait of Mrs. Geller) Hey…how you doin’?

(Ross and Rachel turns back and drags Joey on each arm.)

RACH: Whoopsie. Musn’t forget the patient. (smiles sheepishly)

ROSS: Yuppie. (smiles weakly. Door closes behind them)

(SCENE 4: CHANDLER & JOEY’S APARTMENT. Monica rushes to the door. Chandler bangs his head on the fridge)

CHAN: Stupid…freakin’…(looks at Monica) Hello, my love. (puckers his lips)

MNCA: Hi. Come on. We’ve got to get to the hospital. Joey’s got amnesia.

CHAN: Amnesia? You mean you just found out that Joey lost his brain?

MNCA: I’m serious, Chandler. He must have gotten it when he and Ross bumped into each other. Let’s go.

CHAN: Okay, okay. I was just hoping to get a smile out of your gorgeous face. (Monica smiles a little, and kisses him on top of the forehead) That’s it?

MNCA: (opening the door) YES. We’ll do something better later. But we have to get moving now. Come on. Hup! Hup! Hup!

(Chandler jogs out the door like a soldier. Monica puts two fingers in her mouth and blows a sharp whistle. Chandler freezes.)

MNCA: (clearing her throat) Honey, I think it’s too cold out to be wearing my pink robe.

CHAN: (looks at his outfit, and yelps in surprise) Hup! Hup! Hup! (runs to his room to change)

MNCA: (looks at Chandler’s retreating figure) Pink really isn’t such a hot color for you, honey. (the door closes) But the frilly style looks great!

(SCENE 5: THE HOSPITAL. The same one during TOW the Birth. Ross and Rachel are pacing nervously in the waiting room. They nearly bump into each other.)

ROSS AND RACH: (at the same time) Sorry. (they avoid looking at each other. Rachel sits on the couch.)

ROSS: (looks at Rach) Umm…Rach…you…wanna…talk?

RACH: (looks at Ross) Yeah. Umm…I’m really sorry for what happened at your wedding. Really.

ROSS: (takes a deep breath) Thanks. Er…I didn’t really mean it when I said your name instead of…(Rachel looks hurt, but tries not to show it) Huh…no…I mean…I don’t know what I mean, really, but…

(An old man enters. He’s the doctor.)

DOC: Hello! I’m Dr. Ramoray.

ROSS: (surprised) Dr. Drake Ramoray? You really exist?

DOC: (confused) No…Dr. Ramon Ramoray. Of course I exist, you oaf!

ROSS: (taken aback at what the doctor said) Oh. Okay.

DOC: (peers at Ross and Rachel through thick glasses) I take it you’re the parents of the child? Joseph Tribbianni?

(Ross and Rachel look at each other strangely.)

RACH: (uncertainly) Sure. Whatever. How is he, doctor?

DOC: Well, he has amnesia. That I can say. It should wear out in a couple of days at least. For now, we should help him jog up his memory. Can I count on you for that? (pinches Ross’ cheek, then Rachel’s.) Such a cute couple. (smiles at them, then leaves the room)

(Ross and Rachel look at each other, embarrassed.)

ROSS: Senile. (points at the door)

RACH: Weirdo. (forces a smile)

(Joey enters)

JOEY: Hi. Who are you guys?

ROSS: (pronouncing every word slowly) Me, Ross…GELLER. She, (points to Rachel, who waves at Joey
energetically) Rachel…Karen…GREEN.

RACH: Uh, Ross. Joey’s got amnesia. He’s not a reincarnation of little Ben.

ROSS: (embarrassed) Well, we’d better go.

(Chandler and Monica enters the room)

CHAN: Joey! Are you all right? (grabs Joey by the shoulders)

JOEY: (looks at Chandler strangely) Bing!

MNCA: Hey! He remembers YOU, Chandler! What’s MY name this time, Joey?

JOEY: Bing! Bing! Bing!

CHAN: (annoyed) Great. THAT he remembers.

(SCENE 6: MONICA & RACHEL’S APARTMENT. Phoebe is there, lying comfortably on the couch.)

PHOE: God. Where are they? What if I need a flunky to fix me a snack? (rubs her big tummy)

(Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Joey enters.)

PHOE: Hey guys! Where have you been? Somebody help me to the bathroom!

RACH: I’ll help you Phoeebs. (runs to Phoebe)

PHOE: Oooh…(looks at Joey) did Joey eat my painkillers again?

MNCA: No, sweetie. Joey’s got amnesia.

PHOE: Really? I knew his karma was upside down today. (pleased with herself)

CHAN: (rolls his eyes) Great Phoeebs. I knew that was the reason why he looks this terrible. His karma decided to play on the monkey bars.

JOEY: (looks at Chandler) Bing?

CHAN: (annoyed) Yeah, yeah. Play with my name. Have all the fun. I wish your name was something like…JOSEPH…GELLER…

ROSS: Hey!

CHAN: ….RYALALALA…(does a little dance)

(Joey sits down on the couch. Phoebe sits down next to him.)

RACH: Uh, honey? I thought you were going to the bathroom?

PHOE: Oh! I just wanted to know if you’ll go with me. You’re such a good friend (hugs Rachel then faces Joey) So you don’t remember anything, huh?

JOEY: Are you my mother?

PHOE: (looks at him strangely) Uh-huh. (she pats Joey on the head, then turns to the gang) This is fun! (whispers to Rachel) Can I tell him you’re my fairy godmother?

(SCENE 7: SAME PLACE. Phoebe is still talking animatedly to Joey. Chandler and Monica are stealing a kiss behind the fridge. Ross is seated next to Joey, looking at Phoebe and Joey strangely. Rachel comes out from her room.)

PHOE: This…(points to her tummy)…is a magic crystal ball I ate for breakfast.

JOEY: Really? WOW….

CHAN: Hey guys. I’ll be right back. I just have to get the dip from our apartment. (gives Monica a knowing look and heads out the door)

MNCA: (pauses a little) You know what? I’d better tell Chandler to bring chips as well. (runs out the door)

RACH: Hey, guys. What are you doing?

ROSS: Oh. We’re helping Joey bring his memory back.

RACH: Really? Is it working?

JOEY: (to Phoebe) So I’m an astronaut, a fighter pilot, and…a deli boy?

RACH: (looks at them strangely) Guess not.

PHOE: (nods enthusiastically) Yes! Yes! But that’s in another life. In this lifetime, you’re an….exotic male ballerina. Yeah, yeah. (giddy)

(Joey has a confused look on his face)

ROSS: Uh, Phoeebs…

(Phoebe looks at Ross with an excited, happy face)

ROSS: (recoils) Uhh…keep up the good work.

RACH: I wonder what’s taking Chandler and Mon so long.

PHOE: Ooh! Maybe they’re making out on the foosball table!

(They all look at Phoebe strangely and then laugh)

ROSS: (laughing and wheezing) Oh, that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! I mean, my best friend, and my sister! Quick! I think I’m gonna wet my pants!

RACH: Gross! Eeewww…Ross!

ROSS: (stops laughing abruptly, as he thought of what he just said) Errr…did I just say that? Ehhh…no. hehe.
(turns his back and gets a soda out of the fridge. He looks at the soda, then puts it back quickly)

JOEY: (scratching his head) What’s a foosball?

(SCENE 8: CHANDLER & JOEY’S APARTMENT: Chandler and Monica are making out on top of the foosball table. A bell rings.)

MNCA: (pushes Chandler off her) Whoa, lover boy. It’s been fifteen minutes. They’re going to get suspicious if we don’t get back in there.

CHAN: (still trying to kiss Monica) Ummm…come on, Mon. Don’t be a party pooper. Five more minutes.

MNCA: We can’t. My heavy duty cooking timer says it’s been fifteen minutes since you unbuttoned my blouse.

CHAN: (grumbles) Ok, ok. Do you have to time everything up to the last minute? (pause) Wait. Don’t answer that. Of course you do.

MNCA: (kisses Chandler) Oh! You know me so well. I love you.

CHAN: (grinning) Really? Do you really mean that or are you just trying to get me off you?

MNCA: Of course not you doof. I really love you. (hugs him tight) Now come on. (hastily tries to get off the table) Errr….can you get me off this thing? (Chandler carries Monica in his arms) Thanks. Now how about letting my feet touch the floor?

CHAN: Hey! You’re supposed to be enjoy being in my manly arms.

MNCA: (snorts) Manly? (Chandler looks hurt) I-was-going-to-say-real-schwartzeneggy-macho. Really. (Chandler plants a kiss on her forehead and lets her down. They both race out the door)

(SCENE 9: MONICA & RACHEL’S APARTMENT. Chandler and Monica bursts through the door.)

RACH: Hey! Where were you guys? We thought you’ve decided to have a last minute summer cruise to Siberia. (points at Monica’s blouse) Mon, you’re button’s falling off.

MNCA: (hastily buttoning up her blouse) Yeah, thanks.(laughs uneasily) It’s always coming off.

ROSS: (looks at Monica strangely) You always mend your shirts twice a week.

MNCA: Oh. Yeah. Well, I-I-uh-decided that to let gravity have its way. Just for kicks.

CHAN: Yeah. (laughs really hard) Uh. (stops laughing) Yeah.

PHOE: What is wrong with you, Chandler? You’re acting really weirder than usual.

CHAN: Moi? Why…why…w-would you think that?

PHOE: Not you. (points to her belly) Little would-be Chandler. He’s really kicking in here.

(Chandler breathes a loud sigh of relief. Monica stares at him pointedly. He cups his mouth hastily.)

ROSS: Well, I’d better be going. I have to do some more work in the museum. (goes to the door and opens it. He finds Kathy standing outside, looking forlorn.) Uuuhhhh…

CHAN: (looks at the door) Kathy!

(The gang is in shock. Especially Monica.)

JOEY: (ready to flirt) Hey, how…(Phoebe covers his mouth hurriedly.)

KATHY: Chandler! Hey…ummm…could I speak to you for a sec? It’s very important.

(Ross, Rachel and Phoebe look at Chandler happily, still thinking that Chandler loves Kathy. Monica is stunned,
staring at Chandler helplessly.)


(SCENE 10: CHANDLER & JOEY’S APARTMENT. Joey is wearing tights and is jumping up and down, trying to dance ballet. Phoebe is sitting at one of the recliners, watching happily.)

PHOE: Good, good! Oh, I’m so proud of you.

JOEY: Awww…mom! (they hug) I’m gonna do you another number. (bashful)I made it myself. (Starts to twirl around the room, then lands his head on the foosball table.) OWWW! (bawling like a baby)

PHOE: Oh! Oh! (starts to get up from the recliner but can’t because of her tummy.) Joey, are you ok?

JOEY: (rubbing his head.) Y-Yeah. I think.

PHOE: (starts crying as she hugs Joey tight) Oh, my son! My baby! I thought you were going to leave me. (Joey looks at her strangely)

JOEY: Uh, Phoeebs. Have you got insommia? You know, the one where you forget stuff?

PHOE: You mean amnesia.

JOEY: Right. (smacks his head) I keep forgetting.