The One With All The Surprises

Written By: A British Chick

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit only for entertainment.

(Scene: Monica, Phoebe and Chandler's apartment. Monica and Chandler are there. Monica is sorting out clothes in the bedroom and Chandler is on the couch, staring into space.)

Chandler: Mon,

Monica: Yeah?

Chandler: You've been buzzing all morning, what's up?

Monica: Wh- I'm fine, now.

Chandler: (Changing the subject) What's your favourite song of all time?

Monica: (Appearing in the doorway) You already know.

Chandler: Well, I forgot.

Monica: (Offended) It's 'Wonderful Tonight', Eric Clapton. Anything else?

Chandler: (Stands up) Yes, actually. Shall we make it our song?

Monica: (Mushy) Ooohhh, that is so sweet. (She walks over to Chandler and wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him) I love you.

Chandler: I love you, too. But can we?

Monica: Of course we can. (Starts to walk away)

Chandler: Hey, d'ya want some help in the bedroom?

Monica: (Purring, flirtatiously) Ooohhh, there's plenty for you to do in there. (Walks into the bedroom. Chandler, desperately gets up and runs into the bedroom and closes the door behind him)

Opening Credits

(Scene: Central Perk. All are there, minus Monica and Chandler.)

Phoebe: Monica's pregnant.

Rachel: (Excitedly) Oh my God! Does she know?

Phoebe: No. (Sips her coffee)

Ross: Wow, Chandler's my Brother-In-Law and now I'm gonna be an uncle

Joey: (To Ross) You also have three wives.

(Ross stares at him while he drinks his iced tea)

Ross: Joy, I had three wives.

Joey: Hey, I'm not judging here!

Rachel: And to think I was his third.

Ross: Yeah, you didn't get a ring!

(Rachel glares at him, defeated, she changes the subject)

Rachel: Pheebs, how can you tell she's pregnant?

Phoebe: She's like I was when I was pregnant.

Rachel: She's like that anyway.

Phoebe: No, she's not.

Rachel: Please, I've lived with the woman for nearly six years, I should know.

(Phoebe goes uncomfortably quiet)

Joey: Pheebs?

Ross: (To Rachel) Now you've done it!

Rachel: (Ignoring Ross) Honey, are you OK?

Phoebe: (Shouting) I'M FINE!!!!

Ross: Take it easy. (Pause) Go hug Joey.

Joey: (To Ross) Thanks, man.

(Phoebe gets up from the armchair, walks over to Joey and sits on the couch next to him and hugs him for 15 seconds and kisses him, fully, on the lips for 10 seconds, then she gets up, and sits down in her armchair. Joey is left, stunned)

Phoebe: Thanks, Ross. I do feel better.

Joey: (No longer stunned, he gets up and sits on the arm of Phoebe's armchair) Pheebs, how you doin'?

(Phoebe smiles and gives him the long hug and kiss again)

Phoebe: That is what you wanted, right?

Joey: Yeah, listen, d'ya wanna come over to my place.

Phoebe: OK, sure! When?

Joey: (Thinking) Now?

Phoebe: OK!

(Phoebe and Joey exit)

Rachel: Ugh, I wanna go to bed.

Ross: With a guy?

Rachel: Oh, yeah!

(Ross and Rachel sit in a daze for about 5 seconds)

Ross: D'ya wanna be drunk?

Rachel: Ooohhh, yeah!

(Scene: Joey's room. Joey and Phoebe pull the bed sheets off their heads to reveal their faces.)

Phoebe: OH WOW!

Joey: I get that a lot. (Pause) Wanna do it again?

Phoebe: Aha, oh yeah.

(They pull the covers over their heads and 'do it again')

(Cut to Ross's)

(Scene: Ross's lounge. Ross and Rachel are there. They are sitting on the couch)

Rachel: Well... Who makes the first move?

Ross: Oh, it's me! (Pause) I think.

Rachel: This is so stupid! (She stands up and walks towards the door)

Ross: I agree, I totally agree. (Stands up to go to the door and let her out)

(Rachel turns round and kisses him, passionately)

(Scene: Chandler and Monica's bedroom. They are both in bed, cuddling)

Monica: Did you have to do that?

Chandler: Do what?

Monica: Hit me in the stomach?

Chandler: I didn't. (Sits up and shows here his hands are clean)

Monica: (Jolts) It just happened again.

Chandler: I just said I di- (Realises) OH MY GOD!!!

Commercial Break

(Scene: Chandler and Monica's bedroom. Continuing from before)

Chandler: OH MY GOD! You're-

Monica: (Not wanting to face it) Don't say it!

Chandler: You're pregnant!

(Scene: Central Perk. All are there. They are all in couples)

Rachel: Sorry, Joey, but I'm moving out A.S.A.P.

Joey: No, that's OK, I was gonna ask you to move out anyway. (Rachel looks hurt) Where are you moving to?

Rachel: (Perking up) To Ross's.

Ross: Oh, and before I forget, before anyone says anything, yes, we are a couple again.

(All the gang cheer)

Phoebe: On the subject of moving, Monica?

Monica: Yes, sweetie?

Phoebe: I know I've said it before, but I've made sure it's a little earlier, this time.

Monica: Whatever it is, honey, just come out and say it. I'm sure it's not that bigger deal.

Phoebe: Well, it is. OK, here it goes. I'm moving in with Joey this weekend.

Monica: Oh my God, sweetie, I'm really happy for you! It's only across the Hall, so we won't be so far apart.

Phoebe: I know! (Welling up) Yay!

(Monica and Phoebe hug)

Monica: And while we're on the subject of news... .

All (But Chandler): What? C'mon! Tell us! What is it?

Monica: I'm... well... -

Chandler: She's pregnant, OK? She's pregnant with my kid! (The gang are in a shocked silence. To himself) I'm gonna be a dad. (Out loud) I'm gonna be a dad!

(The gang cheer. All but Joey start to cry. A few seconds later, he starts to cry, too)

Joey: Oh my God! Chandler's gonna be a dad! And before me!

(The gang have a group hug)

Rachel: (Calming down) How do you know?

Monica: A pregnancy test.

Chandler: Times five.

(Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is packing)

Chandler: Wow, you're really going. Can I help with anything?

Phoebe: Sure. (Hands Chandler a box) Open it!

Chandler: (Taking the box) What is it?

Phoebe: It's a present. OPEN IT!

(Chandler opens the box to reveal a grey and white kitten. Chandler takes out the kitten and puts down the box)

Chandler: Thanks, Pheebs.

Phoebe: You're welcome. I've put all the supplies you'll need in the cupboard next to the sink. Oooh, and he's called Chandler.

Chandler: Well, that's different. Thanks again. (Looks at Phoebe longingly) You are totally amazing!

Phoebe: Thanks! I know, though. (They hug) I got one for Monica. I named the kitten Monica.

Chandler: Thanks, Pheebs. (Looks at the kitten in his hands) Now, we have rules here, we need you to follow them...

Closing Credits

(Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is there. Phoebe enters with a box of her stuff. Joey is in the comfortable chair)

Joey: Hey. D'ya need any help?

Phoebe: No thanks, I've just got one more.

(Phoebe exits and re-enters with one more box. She puts it down and looks at Joey.)

Joey: Welcome home, Pheebs.

(The couple embrace)