The One With All
The Rehearsing
Written By: TC at Bazzle@twave.net
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to
Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Brothers.
Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
This episode takes places after Episode 508, The One With All
The Thanksgivings. If you remember, at the
end of that episode, Chandler blurted out to Monica that he loved her (while she was
wearing a Thanksgiving turkey on her head.) It
always bothered me that that was an important thing in their relationship, but the writers
never pursued it any further. So I decided to
write my own version of what happened next.
Opening Scene
Chandler and Joey’s apartment,
very early in the morning
There is a crash from the bathroom. Joey enters, obviously having just been woken up.
JOEY:
Hey, what’s going on?
Chandler, fully dressed, sticks his
head out the bathroom door.
CHAN:
I’m sorry, I was brushing my teeth and accidentally bumped your bottle of Jean
Paul Gautier after shave. I’ll get you
another one.
JOEY:
No big deal. (pause) Hey, it’s 6:30. In the morning. And it’s Saturday. What are you doing up so early?
CHAN:
Well, I’ve got to get out of here before Monica tries to find me.
JOEY:
Huh? How come? You guys are like a couple or something. You’d think you’d want to see her.
CHAN:
Well, I think she wants to talk to me about something that I really don’t want
to talk about.
JOEY:
Ooh, she’s thinking about marriage, huh?
CHAN:
No!
JOEY:
Is she pregnant?
CHAN:
Oh My God, no! (pause) Listen, when you see her, just make up some excuse to
explain why I’m not here, OK?
JOEY:
Sure. (thinking) I know what,
I’ll tell her you’re out shopping for a present for her.
CHAN:
No, don’t tell her that.
JOEY:
How come?
CHAN:
Because then I’ll have to go out and shop for a present for her.
JOEY:
OK, I got you. (pause) I’ll just tell her you’re shopping for a
present for ME!
Chandler glares.
Scene 2:
Monica and
Rachel’s apartment, later that morning. Joey
is at the kitchen table, reading. Ross is
getting something from the refrigerator. Phoebe
is in the living room.
ROSS:
So, Joe, what are you reading?
JOEY:
This. Oh, I’ve got an audition
Sunday afternoon for a part in a new play. I’m
just going over the script.
ROSS:
Really? Great! What’s the part?
JOEY: Well, it’s about these two guys and their love lives. One of the guys is brilliant, but confused. And then there’s his roommate, who’s always giving him advice on stuff.
ROSS:
Which part are you trying out for?
JOEY:
Well, I was going to try out for the brilliant guy, “Charles”, but my
agent said that it might be too much of a stretch for me.
ROSS:
(sarcastic) I
can’t imagine why she would say that.
JOEY:
I know. Geez, I’m an actor. I can play smart if I have to.
ROSS:
So, you’re trying out for the other guy.
JOEY:
Yeah, I’m going to be “Robert”, the roomie who always advising
“Charles”. I figure I can handle
that. I’m always full of good ideas.
ROSS:
(doubtful) Really.
JOEY: Sure. Like, look at Phoebe. See how great she looks today. (calling) Hey, Pheebs. You look really great today.
PHOE:
(to herself) Of course I do. (to Joey,
flirty) Oh, thank you.
JOEY:
Pheebs, if you want my advice, wear your hair down today. You’ll look so good,
I bet some guy will ask you out.
PHOE:
Wow! You think so?
JOEY:
Trust me. I know about these things.
PHOE:
OK. (takes down hair)
JOEY:
(turns to Ross) See. I can be good at this advice stuff.
ROSS:
OK then, “Robert”. What do
you advise me to do today? Wear my hair down,
too? (laughing)
JOEY:
Ross, my advice to you is NEVER bring up the subject of your hair.
Ross stops
laughing, and gives Joey a look. Rachel
enters room from bathroom.
RACH:
OK, Pheebs, I’m almost ready. Just
let me get my earrings. So, where did you
want to go shopping?
PHOE:
(whispering) I didn’t really want to go shipping. That was just a pretense. I thought it would be a great time to try to find
out who Monica’s secret boyfriend is.
RACH:
Ohhhh, that would be fun! Where should
we start?
PHOE:
Well, I thought we’d ask around at the places she usually goes… you know,
the coffeehouse, Chandler and Joey’s apartment… here.
RACH:
Pheebs, I don’t think that will work. I
mean, we already spend all our time at those places and we haven’t found out anything
yet.
PHOE:
Oh, I guess you’re right. Well,
what do you think?
RACH:
Well, she told me one time she was seeing that waiter at her restaurant… you
know, the non-threatening Ray Liotta guy. But
I think she just said that to throw me off the track, because I never heard her mention
him again.
PHOE:
Hey! Maybe she was trying to throw you off the track by not mentioning him,
realizing that if she never mentioned him, you would think that it wasn’t him but
knowing all the time that it could have been him, but it really wasn’t!
RACH:
(confused) OK, maybe. So does that mean that you think it IS him, or you
think it’s NOT him?
PHOE:
Oh, I don’t know. But let’s
go to her restaurant and see. I like their
ice cream.
As Rachel and Phoebe leave, Monica
enters.
MNCA:
Hey! Where are you guys off to?
(pause, then Rachel & Phoebe in
unison)
RACH:
To do laundry.
PHOE:
To a movie.
(pause, then unison again)
RACH:
To a movie.
PHOE:
To do laundry.
(pause)
PHOE:
To see a movie about doing laundry.
MNCA:
(slowly) OK. Well, can I go?
It doesn’t seem like I’m going to have much to do around here. (glancing
wistfully in the direction of the guys’ apartment)
RACH:
NO! I mean…
PHOE:
What Rachel means is that it’s an R rated Italian movie about doing laundry. You know, lots of tomato paste stains and dingy
tablecloths. (Monica grimaces) Dirty floors.
Grime and filth. (Monica makes face of
disgust) You couldn’t handle it.
MNCA:
You’re right. Sounds awful.
PHOE:
OK, bye!
Rachel and Phoebe hurriedly leave.
MNCA:
(pause) Well I guess I can always
clean the bathroom.
Monica goes into bathroom.
ROSS:
Well, I’m picking up Ben in a little while and I have the whole day planned. We’re going to start by going on a long
nature walk the museum is planning, then see the new prehistoric birds of prey exhibit,
then finally stop at the library for some anthropological research.
JOEY:
(under his breath, sarcastic) Sounds fun. (to
Ross) Hey, Ross, how old is Ben, 38? He’s a kid.
Do some kid things with him.
ROSS:
Huh. Like what?
JOEY:
Go to the amusement park. Go swimming. Eat hot dogs and cotton candy. Play in the park.
My advice is, go out and have some fun.
ROSS:
You know, you’re right. That’s
what we’ll do. We’ll just make a
day of it, and do anything Ben wants to do. (leaving)
Thanks, Joe. Thanks a lot.
Ross leaves.
JOEY:
(to himself) You want advice? I’ll
give you advice. (smiling, self satisfied)
Yeah, I got that part in that play all wrapped up.
Scene 3:
Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Joey is standing at the kitchen counter reading
his script. Chandler comes running in, out of
breath, slamming the door behind him
CHAN:
Made it! Great. I don’t think she saw me.
JOEY:
So. Still avoiding Monica.
CHAN:
Yeah. You know, I think I’m
starting to get pretty good at dodging her (Monica
cracks the door and peeks in, unseen by Chandler). At
this rate, I might be able to avoid that conversation for another couple of days at least.
MNCA:
(coming in, with yellow latex gloves on her hands, obviously from cleaning) And
what conversation is that? (Chandler reacts.)
CHAN:
Oh, hi, honey. (picks up Joey’s
open script and fumbles around with it)
MNCA:
(sarcastic) So. You really exist. I was beginning to think I just imagined you.
CHAN:
(flustered) Well, you know, I’ve been busy lately.
MNCA:
(irritated) And you don’t think I’ve been busy? What do you think I’ve been doing the last
few days?
CHAN:
(meekly, looking at gloves) Cleaning?
MNCA:
(getting mad) Trying to talk to you!
Ross enters open door unseen by anyone
and stands listening.
CHAN:
I’m sorry, sweetheart. There’s
just been a lot going on in the past few days and I’ve needed some time to
myself…
MNCA:
But it’s important that we talk. We’ve
had so much go on between us lately that I just don’t want to feel like I’m
losing you.
ROSS:
(interrupting) What’s going on?
Chandler,
Monica and Joey freeze. Complete silence for
a few seconds, then…
CHAN:
Uhh… we were… we were just…
MNCA:
Yeah, we… that is…
JOEY:
(jumping in) We were just rehearsing my new play!
Chandler and Monica visibly relax.
JOEY:
Yeah, that’s it. Chandler and
Monica were just going over some lines with me.
CHAN:
(laughing) That’s right. (waves
script) We’re rehearsing… acting …I’m playing…
JOEY:
…uhhh, Charles, the brilliant roommate.
MNCA:
And I’m …
JOEY:
… ummm, Marsha, his bitchy girlfriend. (Monica
glares at Joey)
ROSS:
OK. But Joey, how come you don’t
have any lines?
JOEY:
Oh. (thinks) Oh, they’re just warming me up for my big
entrance. You know, where I come in and solve
all their problems with my advice.
ROSS:
(slowly) Oh. OK. Well, Monica, I just
stopped in to see if you still had that Frisbee we used a couple of weeks ago.
CHAN:
(jumping in) I know where it is! I
took it down to Central Perk and left it in the bathroom closet.
ROSS:
Why would you do that?
CHAN:
(pushing Ross out the door) Who cares? Let’s
go get it. See ya!
Ross and Chandler leave.
JOEY:
Man! WHAT are you two guys so upset about?
MNCA:
Ohh, I’m just so mad at Chandler.
JOEY:
Why? Did you find out about his new
Playboy subscription?
MNCA:
Huh?
JOEY:
Oh, guess not.
MNCA:
Look, Chandler’s avoiding me. It’s
been like this since Thursday. He said
something to me and I want to talk about it and he doesn’t, and it’s really
bothering me.
JOEY:
Must be bothering him too, if he actually gets up early on a Saturday to avoid you. So, what did he say?
MNCA:
Well, it’s kind of personal.
JOEY:
Jeez, like I don’t know anything personal between you two. (Monica gives him a look.) No, c’mon tell me. Maybe I can help.
MNCA:
Well, remember on Thanksgiving Day when he found out that I accidentally cut off
his toe because he called me fat, and he got mad? And
I went to cheer him up with the turkey on my head?
JOEY:
Oh, yeah, I remember that! You scared
the stuffing out of me. (Pause) Stuffing… get it…stuffing? (Monica glares again) OK, and…
MNCA:
Well, right before you came in, Chandler told me he loved me.
JOEY:
No! Dude!
MNCA: But as soon as he said it, you could tell he wished he hadn’t, and he tried to make me think that he hadn’t, and since then he been avoiding me.
JOEY:
Man. That’s big stuff!
MNCA:
I KNOW! But now I don’t know what
to think. I’ve been trying to get him to
discuss it, but he hasn’t said three words to me since then. Every time I find him, he’s out the door with
some excuse. “Gotta take my sweater
vests to the cleaners.” “Gotta make
sure the duck isn’t pissing off the chicken again.” What am I going to do? I have to talk to him about this!
JOEY:
Whoa, whoa, Monica, think about this a minute.
You don’t want to put too much pressure on him.
Remember, this is Chandler you’re talking about. He’s the one who flew to Yemick…. uhh,
Yemay…. another country just to avoid Janice.
MNCA:
(pauses, thinking) Yeah, you’re right. I
forgot about that.
JOEY:
You know, men can’t handle a lot of pressure from women. Remember what
happened with Richard when you told him that you wanted kids.
MNCA:
Oh, my gosh, you’re right! I
can’t push him on this. I don’t
want to lose him.
JOEY:
My advice to you is, you’re just going to have to back off.
MNCA:
Yeah. (thinking) You know what?
From now on, he’ll have to make the moves.
I’m just going to play it cool. I’m going to be so blasé about this that
he can just forget it ever happened.
JOEY:
(obviously not understanding the word)
Okay, I guess that’s a good idea.
MNCA:
Yeah. That’s just what I’ll
be. Blasé about it.
JOEY:
Well, just make sure you’re really, really…. whatever.
MNCA:
OK, I’m going now. Thanks, Joey. (kisses his cheek) You’re a godsend.
JOEY:
Sure. Anytime.
Monica leaves. Joey
rushes to find a dictionary, picks it up and pages through it looking for the word.
JOEY:
Geez, how can you find out what it means when you can’t spell it?
Scene 4:
Rachel and
Phoebe are seated in the fancy restaurant where Monica works as a chef. A waitress (WAIT) approaches the table.
RACH:
Oh, hi. Yes, we’ve been out and
about, and thought we’d come check out the chef… I mean the chef’s
specials.
PHOE:
Yeah.
WAIT:
OK, well, today we are featuring the Escargots Bourguignonne as an
appetizer, with Jarret D'Agneau à la Provencal as an entrée, or Coquelles St. Jacques à
la Provencal if you’re in the mood for seafood.
And we recommend topping it off with Gâteau au Chocolat
with Crème Anglaise for dessert.
PHOE:
You know what. I think I’ll just
have a salad
RACH:
Me, too
PHOE:
(to Waitress) So, tell us about the waiter Monica told us about. The one who looks like a non-threatening Ray
Liotta. Is he here?
WAIT:
You mean Ray?
RACH:
Yeah, I guess so. Have you seen him
hanging around much with anyone we know? (giggles)
WAIT:
No, not lately
PHOE:
Really?
WAIT:
Yeah, mainly because he hasn’t worked here in months.
RACH:
What! What happened?
PHOE:
Where is he?
WAIT:
Oh, he went through a major lifestyle change.
He decided he no longer needed the modern conveniences of life. You know, shoes… soap…..
deodorant…. stuff like that.
RACH & PHOE: Ewwwww
WAIT:
Yeah, Monica fired him months ago. He
was drawing flies. You know how she likes
things clean.
RACH:
Do I? I’m her roomie, remember? I’m the one who helps wash her “Day of
the Week” sheet sets.
WAIT:
But you know, speaking of guys, I have seen a guy coming to get her after work
every now and then.
PHOE:
Really! That must be him!
RACH:
What’s he like?
WAIT:
Well, he’s good looking, nice dresser, …very clean.
PHOE:
That must be him.
WAIT:
No, I don’t think so. (whispers)
I think he’s gay.
RACH:
Really?
WAIT:
Yeah, you can always tell. He’s
just got that quality. And the way he
dresses. Lots of sweater vests.
RACH:
Oh, that’s Chandler. He and
Monica are just good friends.
WAIT:
Well, it’s nice to have a gay friend. You
know, closeness without any threat of wanting more.
PHOE:
Yeah, that’s one of the things I like best about him. (WAIT leaves)
RACH:
Phoebe, Chandler’s not gay.
PHOE:
(pause) Oh, yeah, I forgot.
RACH:
Well, I guess this means we have to look elsewhere for the secret boyfriend
PHOE:
Oh, don’t worry, Rach. I mean,
we’ve got another clue.
RACH:
What do you mean?
PHOE:
Well, now we know he’s got to be clean. That
eliminates a lot of guys. After all, this is
New York.
WAIT reappears, hands note to Phoebe.
WAIT:
(whispers) Hi. See the guy at the table in the corner?
Phoebe turns to see an incredibly handsome man, dining alone,
smiling at them and raising his glass.
WAIT:
(whispers to Phoebe) He told me to give you his phone number. And he said that you’re the most beautiful
girl he’s seen in months.
PHOE:
Oh!
WAIT:
And he said you have the most beautiful long flowing blond hair he has ever seen.
PHOE:
Oh, wow! Thanks. (turns, smiles and waves paper at handsome man.)
WAIT leaves.
RACH:
Wow, Pheebs. You have to go talk to
him.
PHOE:
Oh, I am. And you, go find a phone and
call Joey and tell him that I love him!
Scene 5:
Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler enters.
Joey is in the apartment, holding up a roll of printed toilet paper, reading each
square and then rolling it to the next one. He
is surrounded by paper that has already been read through.
CHAN:
No, no, I’m not going there!
JOEY:
(embarrassed) Oh, this. This is the
Word a Day paper you gave me a while back.
CHAN:
(slowly) OK.
JOEY:
Well, I’m a little behind. I
thought I’d catch up
CHAN:
(slowly) OK.
JOEY:
So, are you and Monica speaking yet?
CHAN:
No, I haven’t seen her all day. I’ve
just been walking around trying to figure out what to do about this.
JOEY:
Listen, dude, if you want my advice…
CHAN:
… which I’m not so sure I do.
JOEY:
Hey. You’d better figure out
something. How do you think she feels when
the guy she’s sleeping with is avoiding her?
CHAN:
“The guy she’s sleeping with”?
Man, that sounds so cold.
JOEY:
Maybe she thinks that’s all you two have.
Sex, sex and more sex. (to
himself) Wow, sounds great!
CHAN:
But it’s so much more than that… I mean, she’s really special to me.
JOEY:
Well, my advice to you is … tell her that.
Tell her how you really feel.
CHAN:
(pause) You’re right. You’re
right. That’s what I’ll do. Hey, man, thanks for the advice.
Chandler leaves.
JOEY:
(smirking, to himself) Just call me Mr. Advice.
(picks through discarded toilet paper) Mr.
Recommendation. (looks at another piece) Mr. Solution.
Scene 6:
Central Perk
Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the
couch drinking coffee.
PHOE:
(thoughtful) You know, it’s great of Chandler to walk Monica home from the
restaurant. That’s so sweet.
RACH:
Yeah. They’ve been doing laundry
together a lot lately, too.
PHOE:
Oh, and trips to the grocery store. But
they never seem to have much stuff with them when they get back.
(silence, then Phoebe’s eyes get
very wide)
PHOE:
Chandler!
RACH:
Chandler?
PHOE:
CHANDLER!
RACH:
(eyes wide, too) Chandler! Ohhh! You’re right! Monica and Chandler are
together all the time. (pause) I bet Chandler knows who it is!
PHOE:
No!!! CHANDLER!!!! CHANDLER!!!!
RACH:
(finally getting it) No!!!!
PHOE:
Yes!!!!!!
RACH:
It can’t be!!!!!
PHOE:
But who else??
RACH:
Chandler? No!!!!!
PHOE:
It’s the only possibility.
RACH: No!!! (pause) Wait a minute. She said that her secret boyfriend was the best sex she ever had. How could that be Chandler?
(pause)
PHOE:
Ewww, let’s not think about that.
RACH:
Ewww, OK.
(Gunther (GUNR) walks behind the couch
in the background.)
PHOE:
Oh, but, you know… I’ve heard sometimes the neediest guys are the best
lovers. You know, they’re so grateful
that they can’t help but show their appreciation.
RACH:
You mean the more needy the guy, the better the sex?
PHOE:
Maybe so!
(Gunther, overhearing Rachel, trips and
falls, dropping a tray with coffee)
GUNR:
(head popping out from behind the couch, to Phoebe and Rachel) Refill, anyone?
Scene 7:
Monica and Rachel’s apartment,
that evening.
Joey is getting something out of the refrigerator when Monica,
looking gorgeous in a long evening gown, comes into the living room.
JOEY:
Wow! You look … really … so
blasé!
MNCA:
Joey. What are you talking about?
JOEY:
OK. OK.
I don’t know what that word means. But,
man, you look great. Have you and Chandler
got a date?
MNCA:
No, he’s still not speaking to me. But
I’m going to pretend that I’m going out somewhere so that I can at least spark
his interest.
JOEY:
I’d think if he’s sees you in that dress, he’ll be interested.
Ross and Chandler come into the kitchen. Chandler sees Monica in the living room and
forgets that he’s supposed to be avoiding her, or that Ross is even there.
CHAN: Wow, you look … amazing.
MNCA:
(lightly) Gosh, you’re speaking to me.
JOEY:
Hey, look, they’re rehearsing the play again.
ROSS:
Without you?
JOEY:
They’re really dedicated to my career.
Chandler
goes into the living room. He and Monica are
focused only on each other.
CHAN:
I know what this is all about. It’s
about what I said last Thursday. I said it,
and then I’ve avoided you ever since.
MNCA:
(softly) I know. It hurt me a little.
Phoebe and Rachel burst in, running to Ross and Joey in the
kitchen.
RACH: Joey! Joey! Guess what?
JOEY and ROSS: Shhhhhh!
Rachel and Phoebe see Chandler and Monica together. They quietly move to the kitchen to stand with
Ross and Joey.
ROSS: (whispering to Rachel and Phoebe) They’re rehearsing a play.
CHAN:
On Thursday, when you had the turkey on your head and I said I love you, I
didn’t know what I was thinking.
ROSS:
(confused) Turkey? Huh?
JOEY:
(whispering) It’s a romantic comedy.
MNCA:
You didn’t know what you were thinking? How
should that make me feel?
CHAN:
No, I didn’t mean… I
mean….
MNCA:
Well, what do you mean?
CHAN:
What I’m trying to say is, I didn’t mean to blurt it out that way. I meant…
MNCA:
Are you trying to tell me is that you didn’t mean it?
CHAN:
Honey, just listen to me.
ROSS:
(whispering to Rachel) Wow, they’re really good actors. They’re not even using a script! (pause)
This must be killing Joey.
RACH:
Shhhhh!
Chandler takes Monica into his arms.
CHAN:
I always thought that when I finally told you I love you, it would be really great. Because it is really great to me. You’re the most incredible woman I’ve
ever known and I can’t imagine being without you.
I didn’t want to tell all that to a turkey… head. It just came out.
MNCA:
Ohhhh.
CHAN:
I’d thought about it a lot and I wanted it to be special when I told you that
I love you. Because I do. Love you.
MNCA:
Ohhhh
CHAN:
I love you, Monica
ROSS:
(stage whisper to Chandler) Marsha!
MNCA:
I love you, too, Chandler
ROSS:
(stage whisper to Monica) Charles!
Chander and Monica share a long, deep
kiss.
ROSS:
(yelling) WHOA! I think you guys are
taking this acting business too far!
RACH:
Ross, I don’t think they’re acting.
ROSS:
What? What? Joey?
JOEY:
(big grin) Huh? Oh, no, they’re not acting.
ROSS:
But what? How? What happened to Charles and Marsha????!!!
JOEY:
(putting his arm around Ross) Ross, it’s a long story. A kind of a love story. If you want my advice, I’d just sit back,
relax and go with the flow.
Chandler and Monica are still kissing. Ross sits stunned while everyone else stands with
dopey faces watching Chandler and Monica
Closing Scene:
Central Perk, the next day.
Phoebe is at the left table, then Joey, Monica and Chandler on
the couch. Rachel is in the right hand chair. Chandler has his arm around Monica.
PHOE:
I just can’t believe you two are a couple.
MNCA:
I know. But it’s so nice to
finally come out of the closet, and not have to sneak around.
CHAN:
Yeah, just think. I can sit here with
all my friends and my arm around my girl at the same time.
How nice is that?
MNCA:
Oh, how sweet! (kisses his cheek)
RACH:
You know, I think about the time when Ross and I were together, and sometimes I
miss that kind of closeness.
ROSS:
JOEY! WHERE’S JOEY?
RACH:
And then sometimes I don’t.
JOEY:
Hey, Ross. What’s up?
ROSS:
You. You and all that crappy advice
you gave me! I did everything you suggested
with Ben. We went swimming. He got a terrible sunburn. We went to the amusement park. He got lost, and I had to look for him for almost
two hours. We ate hot dogs, which he threw up
all over the babysitter last night. I had to
stay home from the annual Anthropology Soirée. (whining)
I was really looking forward to that, too.
JOEY:
(whispering) Soirée?
MNCA:
(whispering) Party.
CHAN:
(whispering, to Joey) Bet
you wish you had that toilet paper now.
ROSS:
Joey, I will never listen to your advice again.
JOEY:
You know, Ross, that’s probably not a bad idea, because I had my audition
today and I didn’t get the part. Guess I
should’ve tried out for the part of the really smart guy.
Chandler opens his mouth to comment, but Monica interrupts.
MNCA:
(to Chandler) Don’t say it!
Joey gives Chandler a look.