The One With All The Rehearsing
Written By: TC at Bazzle@twave.net
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Brothers. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
This episode takes places after Episode 508, The One With All The Thanksgivings. If you remember, at the end of that episode, Chandler blurted out to Monica that he loved her (while she was wearing a Thanksgiving turkey on her head.) It always bothered me that that was an important thing in their relationship, but the writers never pursued it any further. So I decided to write my own version of what happened next.
Chandler and Joeys apartment, very early in the morning
There is a crash from the bathroom. Joey enters, obviously having just been woken up.
JOEY: Hey, whats going on?
Chandler, fully dressed, sticks his head out the bathroom door.
CHAN: Im sorry, I was brushing my teeth and accidentally bumped your bottle of Jean Paul Gautier after shave. Ill get you another one.
JOEY: No big deal. (pause) Hey, its 6:30. In the morning. And its Saturday. What are you doing up so early?
CHAN: Well, Ive got to get out of here before Monica tries to find me.
JOEY: Huh? How come? You guys are like a couple or something. Youd think youd want to see her.
CHAN: Well, I think she wants to talk to me about something that I really dont want to talk about.
JOEY: Ooh, shes thinking about marriage, huh?
JOEY: Is she pregnant?
CHAN: Oh My God, no! (pause) Listen, when you see her, just make up some excuse to explain why Im not here, OK?
JOEY: Sure. (thinking) I know what, Ill tell her youre out shopping for a present for her.
CHAN: No, dont tell her that.
JOEY: How come?
CHAN: Because then Ill have to go out and shop for a present for her.
JOEY: OK, I got you. (pause) Ill just tell her youre shopping for a present for ME!
Monica and Rachels apartment, later that morning. Joey is at the kitchen table, reading. Ross is getting something from the refrigerator. Phoebe is in the living room.
ROSS: So, Joe, what are you reading?
JOEY: This. Oh, Ive got an audition Sunday afternoon for a part in a new play. Im just going over the script.
ROSS: Really? Great! Whats the part?
JOEY: Well, its about these two guys and their love lives. One of the guys is brilliant, but confused. And then theres his roommate, whos always giving him advice on stuff.
ROSS: Which part are you trying out for?
JOEY: Well, I was going to try out for the brilliant guy, Charles, but my agent said that it might be too much of a stretch for me.
ROSS: (sarcastic) I cant imagine why she would say that.
JOEY: I know. Geez, Im an actor. I can play smart if I have to.
ROSS: So, youre trying out for the other guy.
JOEY: Yeah, Im going to be Robert, the roomie who always advising Charles. I figure I can handle that. Im always full of good ideas.
ROSS: (doubtful) Really.
JOEY: Sure. Like, look at Phoebe. See how great she looks today. (calling) Hey, Pheebs. You look really great today.
PHOE: (to herself) Of course I do. (to Joey, flirty) Oh, thank you.
JOEY: Pheebs, if you want my advice, wear your hair down today. Youll look so good, I bet some guy will ask you out.
PHOE: Wow! You think so?
JOEY: Trust me. I know about these things.
PHOE: OK. (takes down hair)
JOEY: (turns to Ross) See. I can be good at this advice stuff.
ROSS: OK then, Robert. What do you advise me to do today? Wear my hair down, too? (laughing)
JOEY: Ross, my advice to you is NEVER bring up the subject of your hair.
Ross stops laughing, and gives Joey a look. Rachel enters room from bathroom.
RACH: OK, Pheebs, Im almost ready. Just let me get my earrings. So, where did you want to go shopping?
PHOE: (whispering) I didnt really want to go shipping. That was just a pretense. I thought it would be a great time to try to find out who Monicas secret boyfriend is.
RACH: Ohhhh, that would be fun! Where should we start?
PHOE: Well, I thought wed ask around at the places she usually goes you know, the coffeehouse, Chandler and Joeys apartment here.
RACH: Pheebs, I dont think that will work. I mean, we already spend all our time at those places and we havent found out anything yet.
PHOE: Oh, I guess youre right. Well, what do you think?
RACH: Well, she told me one time she was seeing that waiter at her restaurant you know, the non-threatening Ray Liotta guy. But I think she just said that to throw me off the track, because I never heard her mention him again.
PHOE: Hey! Maybe she was trying to throw you off the track by not mentioning him, realizing that if she never mentioned him, you would think that it wasnt him but knowing all the time that it could have been him, but it really wasnt!
RACH: (confused) OK, maybe. So does that mean that you think it IS him, or you think its NOT him?
PHOE: Oh, I dont know. But lets go to her restaurant and see. I like their ice cream.
As Rachel and Phoebe leave, Monica enters.
MNCA: Hey! Where are you guys off to?
(pause, then Rachel & Phoebe in unison)
RACH: To do laundry.
PHOE: To a movie.
(pause, then unison again)
RACH: To a movie.
PHOE: To do laundry.
PHOE: To see a movie about doing laundry.
MNCA: (slowly) OK. Well, can I go? It doesnt seem like Im going to have much to do around here. (glancing wistfully in the direction of the guys apartment)
RACH: NO! I mean
PHOE: What Rachel means is that its an R rated Italian movie about doing laundry. You know, lots of tomato paste stains and dingy tablecloths. (Monica grimaces) Dirty floors. Grime and filth. (Monica makes face of disgust) You couldnt handle it.
MNCA: Youre right. Sounds awful.
PHOE: OK, bye!
Rachel and Phoebe hurriedly leave.
MNCA: (pause) Well I guess I can always clean the bathroom.
Monica goes into bathroom.
ROSS: Well, Im picking up Ben in a little while and I have the whole day planned. Were going to start by going on a long nature walk the museum is planning, then see the new prehistoric birds of prey exhibit, then finally stop at the library for some anthropological research.
JOEY: (under his breath, sarcastic) Sounds fun. (to Ross) Hey, Ross, how old is Ben, 38? Hes a kid. Do some kid things with him.
ROSS: Huh. Like what?
JOEY: Go to the amusement park. Go swimming. Eat hot dogs and cotton candy. Play in the park. My advice is, go out and have some fun.
ROSS: You know, youre right. Thats what well do. Well just make a day of it, and do anything Ben wants to do. (leaving) Thanks, Joe. Thanks a lot.
JOEY: (to himself) You want advice? Ill give you advice. (smiling, self satisfied) Yeah, I got that part in that play all wrapped up.
Chandler and Joeys apartment. Joey is standing at the kitchen counter reading his script. Chandler comes running in, out of breath, slamming the door behind him
CHAN: Made it! Great. I dont think she saw me.
JOEY: So. Still avoiding Monica.
CHAN: Yeah. You know, I think Im starting to get pretty good at dodging her (Monica cracks the door and peeks in, unseen by Chandler). At this rate, I might be able to avoid that conversation for another couple of days at least.
MNCA: (coming in, with yellow latex gloves on her hands, obviously from cleaning) And what conversation is that? (Chandler reacts.)
CHAN: Oh, hi, honey. (picks up Joeys open script and fumbles around with it)
MNCA: (sarcastic) So. You really exist. I was beginning to think I just imagined you.
CHAN: (flustered) Well, you know, Ive been busy lately.
MNCA: (irritated) And you dont think Ive been busy? What do you think Ive been doing the last few days?
CHAN: (meekly, looking at gloves) Cleaning?
MNCA: (getting mad) Trying to talk to you!
Ross enters open door unseen by anyone and stands listening.
CHAN: Im sorry, sweetheart. Theres just been a lot going on in the past few days and Ive needed some time to myself
MNCA: But its important that we talk. Weve had so much go on between us lately that I just dont want to feel like Im losing you.
ROSS: (interrupting) Whats going on?
Chandler, Monica and Joey freeze. Complete silence for a few seconds, then
CHAN: Uhh we were we were just
MNCA: Yeah, we that is
JOEY: (jumping in) We were just rehearsing my new play!
Chandler and Monica visibly relax.
JOEY: Yeah, thats it. Chandler and Monica were just going over some lines with me.
CHAN: (laughing) Thats right. (waves script) Were rehearsing acting Im playing
JOEY: uhhh, Charles, the brilliant roommate.
MNCA: And Im
JOEY: ummm, Marsha, his bitchy girlfriend. (Monica glares at Joey)
ROSS: OK. But Joey, how come you dont have any lines?
JOEY: Oh. (thinks) Oh, theyre just warming me up for my big entrance. You know, where I come in and solve all their problems with my advice.
ROSS: (slowly) Oh. OK. Well, Monica, I just stopped in to see if you still had that Frisbee we used a couple of weeks ago.
CHAN: (jumping in) I know where it is! I took it down to Central Perk and left it in the bathroom closet.
ROSS: Why would you do that?
CHAN: (pushing Ross out the door) Who cares? Lets go get it. See ya!
Ross and Chandler leave.
JOEY: Man! WHAT are you two guys so upset about?
MNCA: Ohh, Im just so mad at Chandler.
JOEY: Why? Did you find out about his new Playboy subscription?
JOEY: Oh, guess not.
MNCA: Look, Chandlers avoiding me. Its been like this since Thursday. He said something to me and I want to talk about it and he doesnt, and its really bothering me.
JOEY: Must be bothering him too, if he actually gets up early on a Saturday to avoid you. So, what did he say?
MNCA: Well, its kind of personal.
JOEY: Jeez, like I dont know anything personal between you two. (Monica gives him a look.) No, cmon tell me. Maybe I can help.
MNCA: Well, remember on Thanksgiving Day when he found out that I accidentally cut off his toe because he called me fat, and he got mad? And I went to cheer him up with the turkey on my head?
JOEY: Oh, yeah, I remember that! You scared the stuffing out of me. (Pause) Stuffing get it stuffing? (Monica glares again) OK, and
MNCA: Well, right before you came in, Chandler told me he loved me.
JOEY: No! Dude!
MNCA: But as soon as he said it, you could tell he wished he hadnt, and he tried to make me think that he hadnt, and since then he been avoiding me.
JOEY: Man. Thats big stuff!
MNCA: I KNOW! But now I dont know what to think. Ive been trying to get him to discuss it, but he hasnt said three words to me since then. Every time I find him, hes out the door with some excuse. Gotta take my sweater vests to the cleaners. Gotta make sure the duck isnt pissing off the chicken again. What am I going to do? I have to talk to him about this!
JOEY: Whoa, whoa, Monica, think about this a minute. You dont want to put too much pressure on him. Remember, this is Chandler youre talking about. Hes the one who flew to Yemick . uhh, Yemay . another country just to avoid Janice.
MNCA: (pauses, thinking) Yeah, youre right. I forgot about that.
JOEY: You know, men cant handle a lot of pressure from women. Remember what happened with Richard when you told him that you wanted kids.
MNCA: Oh, my gosh, youre right! I cant push him on this. I dont want to lose him.
JOEY: My advice to you is, youre just going to have to back off.
MNCA: Yeah. (thinking) You know what? From now on, hell have to make the moves. Im just going to play it cool. Im going to be so blasé about this that he can just forget it ever happened.
JOEY: (obviously not understanding the word) Okay, I guess thats a good idea.
MNCA: Yeah. Thats just what Ill be. Blasé about it.
JOEY: Well, just make sure youre really, really . whatever.
MNCA: OK, Im going now. Thanks, Joey. (kisses his cheek) Youre a godsend.
JOEY: Sure. Anytime.
Monica leaves. Joey rushes to find a dictionary, picks it up and pages through it looking for the word.
JOEY: Geez, how can you find out what it means when you cant spell it?
Rachel and Phoebe are seated in the fancy restaurant where Monica works as a chef. A waitress (WAIT) approaches the table.
RACH: Oh, hi. Yes, weve been out and about, and thought wed come check out the chef I mean the chefs specials.
WAIT: OK, well, today we are featuring the Escargots Bourguignonne as an appetizer, with Jarret D'Agneau à la Provencal as an entrée, or Coquelles St. Jacques à la Provencal if youre in the mood for seafood. And we recommend topping it off with Gâteau au Chocolat with Crème Anglaise for dessert.
PHOE: You know what. I think Ill just have a salad
RACH: Me, too
PHOE: (to Waitress) So, tell us about the waiter Monica told us about. The one who looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta. Is he here?
WAIT: You mean Ray?
RACH: Yeah, I guess so. Have you seen him hanging around much with anyone we know? (giggles)
WAIT: No, not lately
WAIT: Yeah, mainly because he hasnt worked here in months.
RACH: What! What happened?
PHOE: Where is he?
WAIT: Oh, he went through a major lifestyle change. He decided he no longer needed the modern conveniences of life. You know, shoes soap .. deodorant . stuff like that.
RACH & PHOE: Ewwwww
WAIT: Yeah, Monica fired him months ago. He was drawing flies. You know how she likes things clean.
RACH: Do I? Im her roomie, remember? Im the one who helps wash her Day of the Week sheet sets.
WAIT: But you know, speaking of guys, I have seen a guy coming to get her after work every now and then.
PHOE: Really! That must be him!
RACH: Whats he like?
WAIT: Well, hes good looking, nice dresser, very clean.
PHOE: That must be him.
WAIT: No, I dont think so. (whispers) I think hes gay.
WAIT: Yeah, you can always tell. Hes just got that quality. And the way he dresses. Lots of sweater vests.
RACH: Oh, thats Chandler. He and Monica are just good friends.
WAIT: Well, its nice to have a gay friend. You know, closeness without any threat of wanting more.
PHOE: Yeah, thats one of the things I like best about him. (WAIT leaves)
RACH: Phoebe, Chandlers not gay.
PHOE: (pause) Oh, yeah, I forgot.
RACH: Well, I guess this means we have to look elsewhere for the secret boyfriend
PHOE: Oh, dont worry, Rach. I mean, weve got another clue.
RACH: What do you mean?
PHOE: Well, now we know hes got to be clean. That eliminates a lot of guys. After all, this is New York.
WAIT reappears, hands note to Phoebe.
WAIT: (whispers) Hi. See the guy at the table in the corner?
Phoebe turns to see an incredibly handsome man, dining alone, smiling at them and raising his glass.
WAIT: (whispers to Phoebe) He told me to give you his phone number. And he said that youre the most beautiful girl hes seen in months.
WAIT: And he said you have the most beautiful long flowing blond hair he has ever seen.
PHOE: Oh, wow! Thanks. (turns, smiles and waves paper at handsome man.)
RACH: Wow, Pheebs. You have to go talk to him.
PHOE: Oh, I am. And you, go find a phone and call Joey and tell him that I love him!
Chandler and Joeys apartment. Chandler enters. Joey is in the apartment, holding up a roll of printed toilet paper, reading each square and then rolling it to the next one. He is surrounded by paper that has already been read through.
CHAN: No, no, Im not going there!
JOEY: (embarrassed) Oh, this. This is the Word a Day paper you gave me a while back.
CHAN: (slowly) OK.
JOEY: Well, Im a little behind. I thought Id catch up
CHAN: (slowly) OK.
JOEY: So, are you and Monica speaking yet?
CHAN: No, I havent seen her all day. Ive just been walking around trying to figure out what to do about this.
JOEY: Listen, dude, if you want my advice
CHAN: which Im not so sure I do.
JOEY: Hey. Youd better figure out something. How do you think she feels when the guy shes sleeping with is avoiding her?
CHAN: The guy shes sleeping with? Man, that sounds so cold.
JOEY: Maybe she thinks thats all you two have. Sex, sex and more sex. (to himself) Wow, sounds great!
CHAN: But its so much more than that I mean, shes really special to me.
JOEY: Well, my advice to you is tell her that. Tell her how you really feel.
CHAN: (pause) Youre right. Youre right. Thats what Ill do. Hey, man, thanks for the advice.
JOEY: (smirking, to himself) Just call me Mr. Advice. (picks through discarded toilet paper) Mr. Recommendation. (looks at another piece) Mr. Solution.
Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch drinking coffee.
PHOE: (thoughtful) You know, its great of Chandler to walk Monica home from the restaurant. Thats so sweet.
RACH: Yeah. Theyve been doing laundry together a lot lately, too.
PHOE: Oh, and trips to the grocery store. But they never seem to have much stuff with them when they get back.
(silence, then Phoebes eyes get very wide)
RACH: (eyes wide, too) Chandler! Ohhh! Youre right! Monica and Chandler are together all the time. (pause) I bet Chandler knows who it is!
PHOE: No!!! CHANDLER!!!! CHANDLER!!!!
RACH: (finally getting it) No!!!!
RACH: It cant be!!!!!
PHOE: But who else??
RACH: Chandler? No!!!!!
PHOE: Its the only possibility.
RACH: No!!! (pause) Wait a minute. She said that her secret boyfriend was the best sex she ever had. How could that be Chandler?
PHOE: Ewww, lets not think about that.
RACH: Ewww, OK.
(Gunther (GUNR) walks behind the couch in the background.)
PHOE: Oh, but, you know Ive heard sometimes the neediest guys are the best lovers. You know, theyre so grateful that they cant help but show their appreciation.
RACH: You mean the more needy the guy, the better the sex?
PHOE: Maybe so!
(Gunther, overhearing Rachel, trips and falls, dropping a tray with coffee)
GUNR: (head popping out from behind the couch, to Phoebe and Rachel) Refill, anyone?
Monica and Rachels apartment, that evening.
Joey is getting something out of the refrigerator when Monica, looking gorgeous in a long evening gown, comes into the living room.
JOEY: Wow! You look really so blasé!
MNCA: Joey. What are you talking about?
JOEY: OK. OK. I dont know what that word means. But, man, you look great. Have you and Chandler got a date?
MNCA: No, hes still not speaking to me. But Im going to pretend that Im going out somewhere so that I can at least spark his interest.
JOEY: Id think if hes sees you in that dress, hell be interested.
Ross and Chandler come into the kitchen. Chandler sees Monica in the living room and forgets that hes supposed to be avoiding her, or that Ross is even there.
CHAN: Wow, you look amazing.
MNCA: (lightly) Gosh, youre speaking to me.
JOEY: Hey, look, theyre rehearsing the play again.
ROSS: Without you?
JOEY: Theyre really dedicated to my career.
Chandler goes into the living room. He and Monica are focused only on each other.
CHAN: I know what this is all about. Its about what I said last Thursday. I said it, and then Ive avoided you ever since.
MNCA: (softly) I know. It hurt me a little.
Phoebe and Rachel burst in, running to Ross and Joey in the kitchen.
RACH: Joey! Joey! Guess what?
JOEY and ROSS: Shhhhhh!
Rachel and Phoebe see Chandler and Monica together. They quietly move to the kitchen to stand with Ross and Joey.
ROSS: (whispering to Rachel and Phoebe) Theyre rehearsing a play.
CHAN: On Thursday, when you had the turkey on your head and I said I love you, I didnt know what I was thinking.
ROSS: (confused) Turkey? Huh?
JOEY: (whispering) Its a romantic comedy.
MNCA: You didnt know what you were thinking? How should that make me feel?
CHAN: No, I didnt mean I mean .
MNCA: Well, what do you mean?
CHAN: What Im trying to say is, I didnt mean to blurt it out that way. I meant
MNCA: Are you trying to tell me is that you didnt mean it?
CHAN: Honey, just listen to me.
ROSS: (whispering to Rachel) Wow, theyre really good actors. Theyre not even using a script! (pause) This must be killing Joey.
Chandler takes Monica into his arms.
CHAN: I always thought that when I finally told you I love you, it would be really great. Because it is really great to me. Youre the most incredible woman Ive ever known and I cant imagine being without you. I didnt want to tell all that to a turkey head. It just came out.
CHAN: Id thought about it a lot and I wanted it to be special when I told you that I love you. Because I do. Love you.
CHAN: I love you, Monica
ROSS: (stage whisper to Chandler) Marsha!
MNCA: I love you, too, Chandler
ROSS: (stage whisper to Monica) Charles!
Chander and Monica share a long, deep kiss.
ROSS: (yelling) WHOA! I think you guys are taking this acting business too far!
RACH: Ross, I dont think theyre acting.
ROSS: What? What? Joey?
JOEY: (big grin) Huh? Oh, no, theyre not acting.
ROSS: But what? How? What happened to Charles and Marsha????!!!
JOEY: (putting his arm around Ross) Ross, its a long story. A kind of a love story. If you want my advice, Id just sit back, relax and go with the flow.
Chandler and Monica are still kissing. Ross sits stunned while everyone else stands with dopey faces watching Chandler and Monica
Central Perk, the next day.
Phoebe is at the left table, then Joey, Monica and Chandler on the couch. Rachel is in the right hand chair. Chandler has his arm around Monica.
PHOE: I just cant believe you two are a couple.
MNCA: I know. But its so nice to finally come out of the closet, and not have to sneak around.
CHAN: Yeah, just think. I can sit here with all my friends and my arm around my girl at the same time. How nice is that?
MNCA: Oh, how sweet! (kisses his cheek)
RACH: You know, I think about the time when Ross and I were together, and sometimes I miss that kind of closeness.
ROSS: JOEY! WHERES JOEY?
RACH: And then sometimes I dont.
JOEY: Hey, Ross. Whats up?
ROSS: You. You and all that crappy advice you gave me! I did everything you suggested with Ben. We went swimming. He got a terrible sunburn. We went to the amusement park. He got lost, and I had to look for him for almost two hours. We ate hot dogs, which he threw up all over the babysitter last night. I had to stay home from the annual Anthropology Soirée. (whining) I was really looking forward to that, too.
JOEY: (whispering) Soirée?
MNCA: (whispering) Party.
CHAN: (whispering, to Joey) Bet you wish you had that toilet paper now.
ROSS: Joey, I will never listen to your advice again.
JOEY: You know, Ross, thats probably not a bad idea, because I had my audition today and I didnt get the part. Guess I shouldve tried out for the part of the really smart guy.
Chandler opens his mouth to comment, but Monica interrupts.
MNCA: (to Chandler) Dont say it!
Joey gives Chandler a look.