(Scene: Monica & Rachel's. Rachel is sitting on the sofa, wrappers all around her, and the whole apartment is a mess)

(Monica enters)

MON: Hey! (looks around) Oh my god!

RACH: Oh hey! (looks confused) 'Oh my god' what?

MON: The apartment!

RACH: Oh! Don't you think it looks cosy?

(Monica raises eyebrows)

MON: Cosy?? It's a mess, is what it is, is what it is!

RACH: You don't like it?

MON: What's to like?

RACH: Well now it looks like a home, not City Hall.

MON (shocked): What?

RACH: Nothing.

MON: Well, it's your mess, you clean it up!

RACH: No!

MON: Fine! Then it'll stay all…messy…and, and untidy…and…

RACH: Fine by me!

(She smirks and goes into her room)

MON: I am not cleaning it up this time! No way.

(Monica sits down where Rachel had been sitting. She looks around, and her face goes pained)

MON: I am not cleaning it…. I am not cleaning it… I am not cleaning it!

RACH (from bedroom) : Yeah you will!

MON: Oh shush!

(She looks around once more, and gets up. She sits straight back down)

MON: No…

(She gets up and starts to clean frantically)

OPENING CREDITS

(Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang, minus Joey , are there)

PHOE: Mon, what is wrong with you?

ROSS: Yeah, you look terrible!

MON: Well, if someone had bothered to clean up when I was on a chef's course, then someone else (sees Phoebe looking confused)… me… wouldn't be so tired and someone would still be in my good books!

CHAN: So, you're mad at Rach, then?

PHOE (confused): Why would she be?

ROSS: Because she didn't clean the flat when Mon was away…

PHOE: Ohhhh….

RACH: Oh please! That is not the only reason she's mad at me! It can't be! No one cares that much about stuff being tidy!

ROSS: Well, then you don't know Mon as well as you think you do.

RACH: I know Monica!

MON: I'm sorry Rach, but everything has to be clean. It's the way I've grown up.

RACH: I don't see the big deal.

(Joey enters, looking very pleased)

JOEY: Guess what?!!

CHAN (sarcastic): Oh don't tell me…(clicks his fingers) You get to play a dead body again, don't you?! I am soooo jealous!

JOEY: Look, man, do you wanna know or not?

ALL: Yes!

JOEY: I'm in a movie with…wait for it…

MON: We are. You're just not telling us.

JOEY: For suspense!

RACH: Who?

JOEY: (pauses) Pamela Anderson Lee!

CHAN: Really??! Dear God, you're living my dream!

JOEY: Not really, but your face!

(Chandler glares at Joey)

MON: Who? Really?

JOEY: Okay, totally serious now… (pauses)

ROSS: Just tell us!

JOEY: I'm trying to… Anyway, I'm in a movie with…Morgan (pauses) Freeman!

PHOE: You're kidding!

CHAN: He probably is…

JOEY: Well, I'm not! It's a slasher movie, and I'm the first victim! I get slashed in the throat!

RACH: I'm so happy for you!

JOEY: I know!

CHAN: So, you do play a dead guy…

JOEY: Well, not at first…

ROSS: So what's the movie called?

JOEY: Forever Slash.

CHAN (sarcastic): Oh great title…Must have taken ages to think up.

RACH: Well, I think it's great. You are so lucky, Joey.

CHAN: Oh I think it's great too. Maybe someone will actually contribute to the rent now…

JOEY: Look, I'm only getting paid (whispers in Chandler's ear)

CHAN (sarcastic): Oh is that all?!

MON: Hey, Chandler?

CHAN: Yeah?

MON: Now you'll have some extra money and you can take me out for a meal.

ROSS: Why Monica?

CHAN: Because she's helped me with, um…

MON: Kissing, I mean cooking, stuff!

CHAN: That's right! Cooking! She teached me to cook!

ROSS: Taught.

CHAN: What?

ROSS: She taught you to cook.

CHAN: Oh, okay Sir.

ROSS (quietly): Just trying to help. That's all…

MON: Anyway, I gotta go. The flat still isn't clean and my parents are coming over tonight.

RACH: They are? Why?

MON: They want to check up on me. They said they wanted to discuss something, but I know they're gonna check on me. They do this about once a month, you know, just in case mum can think of something to disapprove of.

RACH: Aah, sweetie, are you okay?

MON: Nah, I'm used to it by now. See you guys later.

(Scene: M & R's. Monica is cleaning, and the furniture has been rearranged. Now the sofa is by the window, the chairs are where the sofa was.)

RACH: Hey! (notices the furniture) What happened?

MON: Well, last time mum was here, she said the furniture looked 'weird' where it was, so I moved it.

RACH: For how long?

MON: Just until she goes home.

RACH: Okay. Look, Mon, as much as I love your mum and dad, I'm gonna spend tonight in my room, okay?

MON: Oh, I don't mind. I would if I could, but it's me they came to see, so I can't.

RACH: Good luck, hon. I'll see ya.

(She goes in her room)

(Monica goes over to Rachel's door, and sprays it with cleaner. She wipes it in, then does the same to her door, and the front door. She goes over to the wall and sprays with a different detergent. The paint starts to peel.)

MON: No!! That's not supposed to happen! (calls to Rachel) Rachel? Do we have any purple paint left?

RACH (from room): Nope. Phoebs used the last of it up painting her grandma's shoes.

MON: Damn!

(Rachel comes out of her room)

RACH: Why? (sees the wall) Oh my god!! Monica! What have you done??

MON: Nothing! I put some of this detergent on it, and it came right off!

(Rachel looks at label)

RACH: Paint stripper?

MON: What?! No!!

RACH: Did you use this anywhere else?

MON: Only on…(her face changes to a pained look) Nooo!!!!! I used it on the front door!

RACH: So? We can't see that?

MON: Well, my mum and dad will when they come to the door!

RACH: Oh. Well good luck.

(She starts for her room but Monica grabs her arm)

MON: Help me! This place is a mess still, we have a white patch on the wall, and the front door is stripped!

RACH: Sorry, Mon. Nothing I can do.

(She goes in her room)

MON (to herself): Noooooo!!!

(The buzzer goes off)

MON: Hello?

(MONICA'S MUM WILL BE LABELLED "JUDY" AND HER DAD "JACK")

JUDY: Hello dear. Can we come up?

MON (panicked): Hang on a sec.

JUDY: What's the matter?

MON: Nothing!

JUDY: Well, let us up then.

MON: Okay.

(She buzzes them up)

(Monica rushes around cleaning until they knock on door)

(Monica opens door)

MON: Hey mum! Dad!

JUDY: What happened to your door? Hang up my coat, dear.

(Monica does so)

MON: Well, there was a bit of an incident with paint stripper.

(Judy tuts and shakes her head)

JUDY: It could only happen to you, Monica.

(Monica grimaces)

JUDY: You've moved the furniture. It looked better before, dear.

MON: But you said…

JACK: So anyway, Monica, what have you been upto?

MON: Nothing much. I've got my own restaurant.

JUDY: Oh. How…nice.

MON: Oh thanks mum. You are being so…oh never mind.

(Judy gives her a disapproving look)

MON: What?

JACK: Now, now girls. Calm down.

(Monica smiles at her dad.)

JUDY: So, what are we eating?

MON: Well, we're having steak on a bed of wild mushrooms, with a pepper sauce.

(Monica opens the oven, to find nothing in it)

JACK: Where's the steak?

MON: I…don't know.

(Joey walks in)

JOEY: Great steak, Mon. It tastes great, with the mushrooms and the sauce…mmm!

(Monica glares at him)

MON: Later Joey…you die.

(Joey leaves in a hurry)

JUDY: So, there's nothing to eat?

MON: No.

JACK: Let's just go to a restaurant. There's a great one downtown that's very reasonable with prices.

MON: Yeah…okay.

(They leave.)

(END SCENE: M&R's. It's evening, and Monica has just gotten in. She gets inside, and the lights are out. The only light is two candles on the coffee table. Chandler is sitting on the sofa, looking proud of himself)

CHAN: Hey!

MON: What's all this?

CHAN: For you.

MON: You're kidding?

CHAN: No…

MON: I'm a little tired actually.

CHAN: Oh. Well, I understand. Go to bed then.

(He pecks her on the cheek, and guides her to her bedroom, closing the door behind her)

(He goes to turn on the lights, opens the flat door, and knocks out a tune on Joey's door)

(Joey enters, running in with beers and popcorn)

JOEY: So what channel is boxing on?

CHAN (grinning): Box Office!

JOEY: I'm sooo glad Mon has access to Box Office!

CHAN: Well, she doesn't. Yet. I'll just call Cable.

(He goes to the phone, turns it on and dials the number)

CHAN: Hi, I'd like to see the boxing. Charge to Monica Geller's cable bill. (pause) Yes, I'm Monica. (pause) Weird name? I don't think so. Well okay. Thanks. Bye.

JOEY: What was all that about?

(Chandler shrugs, and a couple of seconds later, the boxing comes on the screen)

BOTH: Yeah!

(They start to watch the boxing)

MON (from room): Is that boxing?

CHAN: No honey…

MON (from room): Are you sure?

CHAN: Yeah…

MON: Well, what is it then?

CHAN: Endurance USA?

MON: Okay.

(They continue to watch the boxing. They become absorbed in it, and Monica sneaks out of her room and goes behind them. She bangs her hands on the back of their chairs)

MON: Lying again Bing? Tribbiani?

(They both scream, and spill their beer and popcorn everywhere)

MON: And you can clean that up, too.

BOTH (begrudgingly): Okay, Mon.

(She goes in her room, and they look at eachother)

JOEY: Yeah right.

CHAN: She had me going for a second.

MON (shouting, from room): CLEAN IT UP, NOW!!!!!!

JOEY (scared): Okay!!!!

CHAN (in army voice): Yes, sir, right away sir!

(Monica comes out of room, kicks Chandler on the shin and walks back in her room)

CHAN: Ow.

END