The One With The American Romeos in London
Part 1 of 2

Written by Tina Nellis

 Introduction: Okay, this is how I think the season finale and fifth season premiere should go. Ro and Ra have been forced to make up (note, no kissing was included in that phrase) by Emily, which is the name of Ross's new girlfriend. (Her forcing them to make up makes sure that there's a good dose if irony, don'tcha think?) Apart from that, nothing much else has changed. Monica still wants kids, Phoebe's still as floopy as ever, Joey is still acting, and Chandler's still acting like a smart-ass, as always.

 By the way, Jaynie is Ross and Monica's younger English cousin, who is about 15 and involved with the wedding in some way. In other words, I invented her. (I can't be bothered to think up a definite way in which she's involved, so use your imagination. And no, she is not the stripper at Ross's stag night, so leave that one alone!) She was never meant to be in so much of this, btw, it's just that I only realised that she was in too much of it after I'd put it up here! (D'oh!)

 I've also had it on good authority that Lisa Kudrow (Phoebe) is not going to be in the season finale because of her pregnancy (at the time of writing, she was, according to my sources, 7 months gone). Apparently it's not a good idea to go on a plane when you're that far along or something. Anyway, she's still in my story, because I'd already written half of this when I found the above out! I also cannot believe that I have written this much, and I say that because the last script I wrote was about 5 times shorter than this!

Anyway, on with the show!

[Scene: The airport. Everyone, including Emily, and Jack and Judy Geller (Ross and Monica's mom and dad) is walking through the gate, carrying suitcases and talking about the flight.]

Phoebe: Ooh, wasn't that just the weirdest flight? I felt like I was flying!

Joey: Uh, Pheebs, we were flying.

Phoebe: Yeah, but I mean, my spirit felt like it was flying.

[The others are all stumped for a reply to this.]

Chandler: [holding up a bag of peanuts, and trying to top Phoebe's flying thing] I've got peanuts! [They all look at him] Anybody? [they're still looking at him] Fine! Be mean and refuse my peanuts! You'll be sorry later, sorry I tell you! [He holds up the bag of peanuts like he was a revolutionary or something.]


[Scene: As before.]

Rachel: God, it's so weird! In two days, you two are gonna be married!

Ross: Rach, it's not that weird. I have been married before.

[Joey looks to his left, sees something, turns back to Chandler, mumbles something and points in the direction he was just looking.]

Chandler: We-he-hell! Would you look at that?

[The camera cuts to two women who are going through customs, and then back to the gang.]

Joey: Uh, Ross, do you mind if... [indicates towards the women]

Ross: Well, I'm not your mom!

[Chandler and Joey break away from the gang and head towards the women, who will be called Woman 1 and Woman 2, for the simple reason that I can't think up tons of girls' names.]

Chandler: [in phony English accent] Hi, I'm Isaac Newton. I have an eye for apples.

[Woman 1 laughs, Woman 2 just looks confused.]

Joey: And I'm his sidekick, um... Isaac Newton's Sidekick!

Woman 1: [to Chandler] You're funny. What's your real name?

Chandler: Chandler Bing The First, m'am.

Woman 1: Bing? That's kind of a weird surname.

Chandler: Well, my ancestor in the Biblical times used to ring a bell, but instead of ringing, it made a bing sound.

Woman 1: [interested] Really?

Chandler: No.

Woman 2: [to Joey] So, what's your name?

Joey: [big impressive voice] I'm Joseph Tribbiani, actor.

Woman 2: You're an actor? No wonder I recognise you!

Joey: Really, where from?

Woman 2: Um... Days of Our Lives!

Joey: You get that ever here?

Woman 2: Sure we do! Of course, we only get it on satellite, so no-one really watches it.

[Joey looks bemused]

[Cut to the gate, where Ross, Monica, Emily and Ross and Monica's parents are walking through. A teenage girl (Jaynie), about 15, is holding up a sign that has "Ross and Monica Geller" written on it. The three, seeing this, walk over to the girl.]

Monica: Um, hi. Who are you?

Jaynie: Well, who do you think I am? I'm your cousin, Jaynie.

Ross: Oh, hi!

Monica: Um, no offence, but why are you here? We were told that my dad's brother in law was going to pick us up.

Jaynie: Well, Daddy was busy, so he asked me to come get you instead. He sent a limo. Although by the looks of it, I'll need to ring him up and get him to send another one.

Jack: He sent a limo? Cool!

Judy: Jack!

Jack: Judy, the man sent a limo!

Jaynie: Well, yeah. My dad could have sent 10 limos if you wanted him to.

Ross: Jaynie, just exactly who is your dad?

Jaynie: [all airheaded] Well, your uncle, duh!

Monica: Wait a minute. Dad, who was the guy that Aunt Marie married?

Jack: His name was Richard something, I can't think of his last name...

Male Voice: [off screen] Hi, Jaynie!

[The man walks on screen and it's Richard Branson.]

Jaynie: Hi, Daddy!

Richard: Oh, hi, you must be... [to Ross] Ross... [to Monica] Monica... [to Jack and Judy] I already know you two... [indicating to Emily] and I don't know who this is.

Ross: [putting his arm around Emily] This is Emily. She and I are getting married.

Emily: Hi. I'd just like to say that it's an honor to meet you, and it was too bad when that hot air balloon went flying without you.

Richard: Well, I try not to think about it. [changing the subject] So, you're not Rachel, then?

[Cut to Rachel and Phoebe in a duty free store, planning what they're going to buy on the trip back.(Talk about planning ahead!)]

Phoebe: [holding up an unrecognisable thingy] Ooh, Rach, check this out!

Rachel: [strains to work out what it is by looking at it, but gives up almost immediately] Um... what is it?

Phoebe: It's a carmelgoogyorgram.

Rachel: A what?

Phoebe: Yeah, you know? You put something in it and it turns it into... something totally different.

Rachel: Okay... [spots a little bottle of perfume, and picks it up excitedly] Oh, look! Ross bought me this for Valentines Day! [shows it to Phoebe]

Phoebe: Didn't he give you a necklace for Valentines Day?

Rachel: Oh, yeah. But he gave me a bottle of this for... actually, he gave me it for no reason. Oh, I remember when he gave that necklace to me! He'd taken me to the Empire State Building, which he shouldn't have done really because I'm afraid of heights, but anyway... and then he said that even though he'd spent so much on a gift for me, he could never spend enough on me. Isn't that just the sweetest thing? Oh, and then I remember those earrings he bought me for my birthday...

Phoebe: [thrown for a loop by Rachel's trip down memory lane] Alright, stop it, you're freaking me out! How come you're talking about this? [thinks for a moment, and raises her eyebrows in realisation] Wait. Are you still in love with Ross or something?

Rachel: [in disbelief] Wha... To tell you the truth, I...

[She gets interrupted by Monica, Judy, Emily and Jaynie walking into the shop.]

Jaynie: No, no, no, he turned his back for one second, and then the ropes broke!

Judy: Did they break or were they cut?

Monica: MOM! Are you seriously suggesting that he had someone cut the ropes for a publicity stunt?

Judy: I'm not saying he did, I'm just saying that it happens!

[Cut to Ross, Chandler, Joey, Jack and Richard, who are sitting in a café booth eating.]

Joey: Ross, do you remember what happened to your last marriage?

Ross: Well, I'm guessing that that's not going to happen again, because Emily isn't a lesbian.

Chandler: Yeah, well, you said that about Carol.

Richard: Well, you do seem to be rushing into this.

Jack: Yeah, son, you've never rushed into anything!

Ross: Yeah, well, I've never had as good a feeling as I do right now.

Chandler: What kind of a lousy sex life do you have? [thinks about it] Well, at any rate, it's gotta be better than mine!

Ross: [ignoring Chandler's comment] I mean it, I've never been so sure about anything.

Joey: Even Rachel?

Jack: Yeah, even I remember the way you used to be with her. You were always giving her those ridiculous puppy dog eyes.

Richard: What puppy dog eyes are these?

Chandler: They would have made you ashamed to know a man like that!

Ross: Look, guys. Rach and I have been through a lot together, admittedly a lot more than Emily and I have been through. But I love Emily now, and after all of that, I'd rather be Rachel's friend than lose her altogether.

Chandler: [sarcasm] ...said Ross Geller, the winner of the "most pathetically in love with Rachel at any given time" contest.

[Scene: The baby department of a department store. Phoebe and Monica are looking at clothes to give to Frank Jr. and Alice.]

Phoebe: [holding up a little baby jumpsuit] Ooh, isn't this just the cutest? [Monica nods in agreement] Yeah, they could all go around in matching ones! [stops, remembers something] But I remember what that felt like when Mom dressed me and Ursula in matching outfits, yeah, that left a hell of a lot of emotional scars!

Monica: Even more than your mom killing herself?

Phoebe: Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that.

Monica: Ooh, sorry.

[A woman pushing a pushchair with a baby in it walks by. Monica looks down at the baby, who looks up at her and gurgles as it goes by.]

Monica: [after the woman's gone] I want a baby!

Phoebe: Oh, come on hon. Hang in there, you'll find someone.

Monica: You're right. I know you're right. [beat] What if you're not right?

Phoebe: I am right. Trust me, I didn't take a course in ESP and come out empty handed!

[Scene: The hotel restaurant, on the night before the wedding. Jack is putting his foot in it big time as he tells the story of how Ross first met Rachel, again, to Ross, Judy and Emily, who are all looking uncomfortable, especially Emily.]

Jack: ...You should have seen his face! I'm telling you, it was love at first sight!

Emily: [clearly feeling awkward] Well! There you go! I've, uh, I've just got to make a phone call. I'll be right back. [gets up and heads towards the phones]

Ross: [to Jack] Dad, what the hell are you trying to do? Put a stop to the marriage?

Jack: What? I'm just trying to welcome her into the family!

Judy: But do you have to bring up everything that ever happened with him and his ex-girlfriend?

Jack: Like I said, just trying to welcome her into the family!

Ross: Dad!

Jack: Well, son, Rachel is practically family, I mean you've known her almost as long as your own sister!

Judy: Yes, dear, but there are two major rules for getting along with in-laws. One: never tell them to their face that you hate them, but bitch behind their backs, and two: never bring up their partner's love life before them!

[Cut to the phones, where Emily is dialling a number]

Emily: Oh, please be home, please be home... [someone picks up on the other end] Oh, hi. Is that Matt?... Oh, well, can you get him to call me back, Martin?... Yeah, it's Emily... He knows the number... Okay, bye. [hangs up]

[Cut to another part of the restaurant, where Joey and Chandler are eyeing up anything in a skirt.]

Chandler: Alrighty, my good friend, which one do you want?

Joey: Which one do I want? The question is, which one do you want?

Chandler: All of them!

[A waiter comes over with two plates, and sets them down on the table.]

Waiter: [to Chandler] Here's the bill. Is there anything else you'd like?

Chandler: Yes, how about a glass of your finest wine for the lady over there? [points out a woman to the waiter]

Joey: And by the way, in our country we order everything we want first, and then ask for the checks.

Waiter: [mildly peeved at Joey's comment] I'll see what I can do about that. [walks off]

Chandler: Well, someone's going to get their food sneezed in tonight!

[They both start eating, but suddenly start choking so loudly that people start staring.]

Woman on next table: Oh my God, they're choking!

[Cut back to Ross's table]

Ross: Do you think we should go help?

Jack: Why should we? It's not our problem!

[Cut back to Joey and Chandler. A woman has come up behind them, but they don't notice.]

Chandler: Before we... die, I just wanna say... I love you, man!

Woman 3: Ew!

[The guys' choking becomes worse, and the woman does the Heimlich manouver on Joey, and then on Chandler. They both sit back down at the table, gasping for breath.]

Joey: [looks up and sees the woman] So, you wanna go out tonight?

[A ton of women run up to them, and start asking if they're alright. Chandler and Joey just grin happily.]

[Scene: The hotel hallway. Jaynie is walking up and down the hallway, talking on a mobile phone.]

Jaynie: Yes, Daddy, I totally understand if you're this close to buying the BBC... Yes, okay... Alright, Daddy, I'll see you tomorrow... The wedding, remember?... Of your nephew?... Look, I'll just see you tomorrow, okay?... Alright, bye. [hangs up] [talking quietly to herself] Okay, Jaynie, you've got an evening to kill, what'll you do?

[She starts to turn a corner, and sees Emily talking with Matt, the guy she called earlier. (Note to English viewers: Matt is the Matt in "Game On". Yes, he's overcome his agoraphobia. God, it's a miracle, isn't it!) She quickly runs back around the corner and watches them from around it.]

Emily: Matt, you used palmistry as a way to pick up women!

Matt: Well, it worked for you, didn't it?

Emily: Yeah...

Matt: Come on, marry me!

Emily: Look, Matt, I still love you, you know I do, but I love Ross more.

Matt: Just because you love him doesn't mean you're in love with him. And I know that you're in love with me.

[Matt leans in and kisses Emily, and she makes no attempt to stop him. Jaynie hides behind the corner and puts her hand over her mouth in shock.]

[Cut to Monica's hotel room. Monica, Rachel and Phoebe are there, when Jaynie rushes in.]

Jaynie: [out of breath] You... are... NOT... going... to... believe... what... I... just... saw!

Phoebe: Did you see aliens? Because I'd believe that.

Monica: [still obsessing] I want a baby!

Rachel: Okay, Mon, hon, I think you've lost control of your life! [to Jaynie] What did you see?

Jaynie: [still out of breath] Emily... kissed... her... ex... boyfriend!

Rachel: What are you talking about?

Jaynie: Locked lips, played tonsil tennis, shared a tongue sarnie!

Phoebe: I love those little English sayings!

Monica: Oh my God. Why would she do that?

Jaynie: Because she's still in love with him!

Rachel: I don't think so.

Jaynie: It's true! She said it herself! I heard it with my own two ears!

Monica: Are you absolutely sure you saw this? I mean, it could just be your mind playing tricks or something.

Jaynie: [sarcasm] Yeah, that's right, I just took a day trip to "The Imaginary Land Where The Fiancée Of My Cousin Goes Around Sucking The Face Off Her Ex-Boyfriend"!

Rachel: Look, Jaynie, you've got to keep quiet about this, okay?

Jaynie: Ya think?!

Monica: She's right. If you go telling Ross about this, then you're going to hurt him.

Jaynie: Oh, I see. I'm going to hurt him, as opposed to him finding out when they're married, which will have him doing his happy dance! [Monica, Rachel and Phoebe look at her. Seeing that she's been outvoted, she gives in.] Alright, I won't tell him. But just so you know, if he finds out, I'm going to tell him that you guys knew about it!

[Scene: The church. Doomsday is finally upon us. Jaynie, her brother (Paul), their mom and Richard are having pictures taken. Jaynie clearly looks unhappy, preseumably about the events of the night before.]

Mom: Now, come on, Jaynie, smile for the camera.

Jaynie: [sarky] Yes, mum. [makes a clearly fake smile for the camera]

[Ross walks by the "happy" family. Richard breaks away from the others and follows him.]

Richard: So, you nervous?

Ross: [clearly is] No, of course I'm not, I've done this before. Just because my last wife turned out to be a lesbian doesn't mean I'm nervous!

Richard: So you're worried that something's going to go wrong?

Ross: Could not be more terrified!

[Cut to Rachel and Jaynie. Jaynie has changed her tune, and has decided to tell Ross about Emily's lip-locking with Matt the night before. Rachel is trying to change her mind back again.]

Rachel: Come on, Jaynie, it was probably just an innocent kiss.

Jaynie: Rach, they stood there for a whole minute shoving their tongues down each other's throats!

Rachel: Look, you cannot bring this up now, okay? This is supposed to be the happiest day of Ross and Emily's lives.

Jaynie: Yes, and I'm sure it'll be even happier when that guy comes barging in here and blurts out everything!

Rachel: You don't know that he'll do that.

Jaynie: Believe me, I know. That's the kind of guy who'd murder a teddy bear just like that Mr Blonde guy in Reservoir Dogs for fun!

Rachel: [looks down at her dress] Oh, shoot, this dress is all wrong!

Jaynie: Looks okay to me.

Rachel: No, it isn't! See this? [points to a minute crease in her dress] This is the kind of thing that can ruin an entire outfit! It has to be fixed! [walks off]

[Cut to Joey and Chandler, who are surrounded by women.]

Woman 4: [to Chandler] Oh, now, you are just so cute!

Chandler: [in ridiculously phoney voice] Why, thank you. I like to keep a tab on my cuteness!

Joey: [to Chandler] Now, do you think that we could share them?

Chandler: Forget sharing, we can just get as many as we want each!

Woman 5: [to Joey] Now, who are you?

[Chandler and Joey grin at each other, obviously very happy with this turn of events.]

[Cut to Phoebe and Monica listening to Judy critisise Monica, again.]

Judy: I'm just saying, you should settle down, get married, have kids!

Monica: Thanks Mom, that thought never entered my mind!

[Judy walks off]

Phoebe: Gee, that's too bad about her friend who never got married and ended up dying alone! [Monica looks at her, and she realises what she's done] Oh, but I'm sure that won't happen to you! [changing the subject] Wow, the aura here is so good! And yet... bad.

Monica: Sure! I'm gonna die in the pits of aloneville, and all you can say is that the aura is good and bad?!

[Cut to Ross, who is sitting on the floor, in a small room in the back of the church. Rachel enters, looking at the crease in her dress.]

Rachel: I hate these damn creases in dresses! [notices Ross] Oh, hi.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: [sits down next to Ross] How you holding up?

Ross: Well, my nerve factor ranks right up there with the time I had to play lead trumpet in that thing back in high school.

Rachel: Oh, come on. You'll be okay. [thinks for a moment] Of course, I told myself that right before I ran out on my own wedding, and it didn't do any good!

Ross: [laughs, then gets serious] Y'know, it's weird. I always thought that I'd be marrying you, even after we broke up. But then Emily came along, and...

Rachel: Well, actually, Emily didn't "come along", I set you up, remember?

Ross: Oh yeah, it's you I have to thank for this.

[Ross kisses the top of her head, but the expression on her face shows that she is unhappy about something.]

[Cut to Chandler, still acting like one of the the American Romeos in London (you can see where I got the title from, can't you?). He is sitting at a pew, and a crowd of women are surrounding him.]

Chandler: [to what is probably Woman 56] Well, I can fit you in at about 6 am tomorrow morning, is that alright? [the woman nods "yes", and walks off] Never mind about that being alright, this whole thing is alright! Actually, no, better than alright. This is God's way of making up for all those times I got rejected! Whaddaya think, Joe? [looks across and realises that he can't see Joey because all the women are in the way, and grins to himself] Man, this is so cool!

[Cut back to Ross and Rachel. Ross is now standing up.]

Ross: [confessing] Y'know, I'm still not sure if I should go through with this.

Rachel: [gets up] [jokingly] Well, if you're gonna bail, I'll help you.

Ross: You would?

Rachel: Well, sure. After all, I've done it myself, I know all the tricks! I can help you avoid all the would-have-been in-laws! Believe me, they are a nightmare, especially if you don't marry the person!

[They both laugh at this, but then Rachel gets the same look on her face that she had before, and Ross sees it this time.]

Ross: Rach? Are you okay?

Rachel: Yeah, I'm fine. I guess it's just... that I thought... I'd be the one marrying you. [trying to sound happy for him, but not quite getting there] But, you know, Emily's great and all that, and... well... she's probably the luckiest woman in the world.

Ross: [jokingly] Well, this is me we're talking about!

[Ross heads for the door, but notices that Rachel isn't following him, and looking down at her nails, obviously still upset.]

Ross: Hey. [cut to a shot of Rachel, who looks up again, then cut back to Ross] You coming?

Rachel: Yeah, sure, I'll be there in a minute.

Ross: [seeing that she's obviously upset] Hey, come on, you don't have to be upset. [trying to cheer her up] I'm finally out of your hair! I won't be bugging' you any more! I won't be yelling... well, you know what I won't be yelling! [Rachel remains unhappy] [trying to comfort her] Hey, come here.

[Rachel makes her way over to him, and they hug]

Rachel: Ugh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be like this. I guess I've just had a lot on my plate lately.

Ross: I know. I think it'd be safe to say that we all have.

[He lets go of her, and turns back towards the door, but then turns back to face her again.]

Ross: Wait. Rachel, can I just ask you something?

Rachel: Sure.

Ross: Could I... Would it be alright if I... kissed you just one last time? Y'know, just for old time's sake? Kind of a... good luck... kinda... thing?

Rachel: [not sure what to think of this] Uhhhhhhhh... sure, why not? It can't do any harm, can it?

[They nervously lean in and kiss. (Aaaaaaannnnnnd here we go again!) The look on Ross's face when they break indicates that he thinks that he's bothered Rachel, but the look on Rachel's face shows that he's done anything but.]

Ross: [reaches for the door handle] Sorry for keeping you...

Rachel: [interrupting him] Alright, just shut up for a minute.

Ross: [confused] Huh?

[Rachel takes his face in her hands and kisses him again. Unfortunately, Jaynie happens to choose this exact moment to walk in on them.]

Jaynie: Hello, anybody in he...

[She sees Ross and Rachel and gasps. They quickly stop and look at her.]

Jaynie: Oh, well, I'm certainly walking in on one hell of a lot this week!

Rachel: Wait, Jaynie, it's not what you think.

Jaynie: Um, well, my cousin, who is due to be getting married right about, um, [looks at her watch] now, is in here sucking his ex-girlfriend's face off! [beat] Yeah, it's what I think it is!

[Cut to Ross, Rachel and Jaynie walking out of the room and into the church. Ross is acting calm, as if nothing had happened, but Rachel and Jaynie are arguing again.]

Jaynie: Y'know what? I saw this coming from the day you guys arrived! I could tell there was still some sort of spark between you two, and believe me, I can tell about that sort of thing!

Rachel: How?!

Jaynie: This pair on TV were just like you! God, first I... [looks at Ross and lowers her voice] first I tell you about Emily and you convince me to keep quiet about it, then the next thing I know, I'm walking in on you and him, and your lips just happen to be caught in some sort of vaccum! I mean, is that some kind of American ritual or something?

Rachel: [quietly] Okay, now, I know I said you have to keep the Emily thing quiet, but this you really have to keep quiet!

Jaynie: Alright, fine! [to Ross, quietly] By the way, is this going to be an open marriage or what? Because the way you're headed, it'd be the best one in history! [Ross and Rachel both give her a look] Oh, God, alright! I'll stay out of it, as long as one of you two say something!

Ross/Rachel: WHAT?!

Jaynie: [to Ross] Look, you cannot have a relationship when you're off kissing someone else, let alone a marriage. [to Rachel] And you cannot let this lie, because it won't go away. It's always gonna be there. [beat] Believe me, the guys on that TV show had the exact same problem!

[Cut to Monica and Phoebe, who are sitting at a pew.]

Monica: What if I never find someone ever again? What if no man ever looks at me ever again?

Phoebe: [not paying attention] Ooh, the aura is really bad in here now!

Monica: You're still on about that?!

[Ross, Rachel and Jaynie walk past. Rachel sits down next to Monica and Phoebe, Jaynie goes and sits down with her family, and Ross walks up to the altar and sits next to Chandler and Joey, who have finally managed to get the women away from them.]

Joey: Well, those women wouldn't leave us alone, would they?

Ross: [still in disbelief from before, and now in even more disbelief about what Joey's just said] So that's your latest fantasy then, is it?

Chandler: They were real! Real, I tell you!

Ross: Alright... well, I have enough problems as it is, so you two can keep that daydream of yours in your heads, okay?

[The wedding march starts (nooooooooooooooo!!!) and Emily starts walking up the aisle. Ross looks back at Rachel, who is looking heartbroken, looks back at Emily, and then looks at the altar. We fade to black on his face, which shows that he's trying to decide what to do.]

(Oh, come on! Like I was gonna wrap it all up in the one episode!)

Go to Part II

Copyright © Tina Nellis 1998