TOW the Arm Farts

By: Steve Lui

(Chandler and Joey's apt. Chandler and Monica are on the couch watching TV)

Monica: Hey. Where are we?

Chandler: Well, unless this is a trick question, I'm gonna have to go with…Mr. Roger's neighborhood?

Monica: No. I mean, in this relationship, where are we?

Chandler: Hmm. Let's see. I think we're past the "Oh my God I can't believe I’m seeing you naked" stage, but not yet to the "Oh not tonight, I have headache" stage.

Monica: Well, let me know when we reach that second stage, so I can remember to DUMP YOU! Come on, I'm being serious here. I just think if we're both secure enough in this relationship, it's about time everyone else knew. I'm tired of always having to come up with excuses.

Chandler: I am too, but do you really think everyone's ready? I mean, Joey knows, so isn't that MORE than enough?

(Just then Joey enters and sees Chandler and Monica)

Joey: Hey! Hey! Hey! Remember our deal…what I don't know, you guys can't show me.

Monica: Come on Joey, we're just sitting here. It's not like we were--

Joey: (putting hands over ears) La la la! I can't hear you! I can't hear you!

Monica: (taking Joey's hands off of his ears) Look Joey, I want to ask you something serious. What do you think about Chandler and I, I don't know…telling everyone else about us?

Joey: Oh, no, no, no. Waaay bad idea.

Monica: Why would that be a bad idea?

Joey: Well, at first everyone will be like "Oh, that's so great! You two are perfect for each other!" (Chandler puts his arm around Monica and they both smile) But then after a while, Monica will be too busy with her chef job, and Chandler will be "I never get to see you anymore!" (Both Chandler and Monica start looking nervous) And then you, Monica will be like "Look Chandler, I just a need a break alright." And so then Chandler will get all depressed and go sleep with someone else. Then Monica, you'll be like "How could you?!?" to Chandler, and Chandler all you'll say is "We were on a break!" And while you guys are fighting it out, the rest of us will be stuck in Rachel's bedroom all night with no food or bathroom!

(Both Chandler and Monica are now standing apart from each other, thinking about what Joey said)

Monica: You'd sleep with someone else?

Chandler: We were on a break!

Opening Credits

(Central Perk. Everyone is there except Phoebe.)

Ross: So what do you guys wanna do tonight?

Rachel: Well, don't ask me because I have got a date tonight.

Chandler: You? On a date? I guess there has to be a first time for everything.

Rachel: Anyway--his name is Robert. And he just happens to be a man in uniform.

Monica: Oh, Rachel please. The guy's a meter maid. He caught Rachel littering and she promised to go out with him if he didn't write her up.

Rachel: Yeah, well…he's still a man in uniform. What about you Mon? When was the last time you went out on a date?

Monica: Yeah, about that. (looks at Chandler who gives her an "I don't know" look) There's something I've been meaning to tell you guys, and guess now is a good time as any. I've kinda been seeing someone in secret.

Ross: Op, that's so great! I'm so happy for you!

Rachel: Wow Mon, this is such a surprise!

Joey: (playing along) Yeah, wow, it never even crossed my mind!

Monica: Yeah, well. And he's this really great guy. Actually, he's…

Joey: Oh my God! Look at what Phoebe is wearing!

(Phoebe enters dressed head to toe in a magician's outfit. Everyone except Chandler and Monica quickly turns their attention towards her.)

Monica: …a homicidal maniac and I'm having his child.

Chandler: Gee, thanks. (Monica puts her hand on Chandler's knee letting him know she didn't mean it.)

Ross: Phoebe, um, exactly what are you wearing?

Phoebe: You like it? I was down at the thrift store, and saw it and thought, "Hey, I would look so good in that!" I mean, I've always wanted to do magic and now I'm like halfway there! This is going to be so much better than what I'm doing now.

Joey: What are you doing now?

Phoebe: Nothing.

Chandler: Oh yeah, this is definitely a step up.

Rachel: Pheebs, I didn't even know you knew magic. This is so cool.

Phoebe: Don't be stupid, of course I don't know real magic. But you know what, this jacket practically does everything for you. See, watch. (twists her wrists, and pulls a bouquet of flowers out of her sleeve)

All: Hey! Wow! That's so cool!

Joey: Hey, my sister's birthday is coming up. You don't think you could whip out a dozen roses out of that thing could you?

(Everyone looks at him, and Joey gives a "What did I do wrong?" look.)

(Monica and Rachel's apt. All are there except Rachel. Phoebe is on the phone.)

Phoebe: Uh huh. Friday at 8 sounds great. I'll see ya then. (hangs up the phone). You guys guess what? I just got my first job as magician. The Bedazzling Phoebe will be playing the Ritzman party Friday night.

Chandler: The Bedazzling Phoebe? I remember back in the old days when it was just enough to dazzle, but now it's gotta be bedazzle this, bedazzle that…

Ross: So Pheebs, do you really think you're ready to put on your own show? I mean, you're really going to have to perfect these tricks to a bunch of elementary school kids entertained for a whole evening.

Phoebe: Oh I think I'm totally ready for it. I feel like I was born to do this.

Joey: Hey Pheebs. I know how hard it is to keep people entertained sometimes, so if all else fails, so here's a little trick I learned in the business. A well executed arm fart works everytime.

Monica: Um, excuse me?

Joey: You know, an arm fart! (Joey then puts his right hand between his left armpit and squeezes down, making a farting noise)

Monica: So exactly what business did you learn this in?

Joey: Come on, it's funny. (does it again)

Ross: I see someone forgot to take their grownup pills today.

Joey: Tell me you didn't want to laugh. Chandler?

(Cut to Chandler on the couch trying their best not to laugh)

(A city street. Rachel and her date Robert are walking, engrossed in conversation)

Robert: I mean every now and then, you'll get some punk who will try to tell you that the meter had expired two minutes before he got there, but that's when you just keep cool and let him do all the talking.

Rachel: Wow, I never knew being a meter maid--

Robert: Meter man! I am a male, and therefore, the politically correct term would be meter man! Not maid, but man!

Rachel: I'm sorry, Meter MAN. I can't believe someone would actually have the guts to go into your line of work with all that danger involved.

Robert: (proudly) Yeah, well think about how sad a world it would be if no one stepped up to do it.

Rachel: Oh yes, very, very, very sad. (she rolls her eyes, praying the date will end)

Commercial Break

(Monica and Rachel's. Early morning. Everyone is there except Rachel who Monica drags out of the bedroom)

Monica: Come on Rach. This is important. I want everyone to be here for this.

Rachel: Alright already. Next time you try staying up until 2 am with some guy rambling on and on about parking meters and we'll see how awake you feel.

(Rachel takes a seat at the kitchen table with Ross and Phoebe, who is still in her magician outfit. Joey is standing behind them at the sink.)

Monica: Alright guys. I wanted everyone to hear this straight from me before rumors started flying around. Um, well. I really don't know how to say this. So…why don't you do it Chandler?

(Chandler's eyes pop wide open as everyone turns to look at him)

Chandler: Well, um ok. Monica and I…well, we just wanted to tell you guys…(stops to think)…Happy Friends Day!

All: Huh? What the hell is that?

Monica: Yeah, what the hell is that? (hits Chandler on the arm, but then realizes what she did) I mean, (in an inquisitive voice) What is Happy Friends Day Chandler because there are some people here who just don't know.

Chandler: Well, Happy Friends Day is a day when you and your, you know, friends, do everything together because we're such great friends.

Ross: Don't we kinda do that alright already?

Rachel: Yeah really.

Chandler: Well, fine if you're gonna be that way about it, we just won't do anything for Happy Friends Day!

(Chandler walks out acting like he's upset and slams the door. Everyone looks at Monica who just shrugs)

Monica: Well, there's always next year.

(Time lapse. Rachel and Monica's apt. Monica and Rachel are there watching Phoebe practice her magic act. Phoebe is reading from a book, trying to learn the trick.)

Phoebe: Ok Rachel, now take a deck from the card. (Rachel takes the card as Phoebe continues to read from the book) Ok now show the audience the card and place back in deck. I shuffle the deck and then throw it into the air. (cards fly everywhere, and Phoebe holds her palm out with nothing on it) And voila, here is your card. (looks at her hand, and realizes there's nothing there) Or not.

Monica: Well, if the trick was to get cards everywhere, that was pretty damn good.

Rachel: You know Pheebs, I really don't think you're ready for the show. I mean, you're good, but we're talking about performing in front of kids here. You're really going to have to work hard to keep their attention.

Phoebe: Oh, it's no problem. See Joey taught me this trick.

Rachel: What trick?

Monica: (realizing what the trick is) No Pheebs don't do---

(Pheebs does an arm fart, and giggles)

(Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are there talking. Ross enters.)

Ross: Hey guys.

Chandler and Joey: Hey.

Ross: So Chandler, what the hell was that little announcement about this morning?

Chandler: (playing dumb) Announcement? What announcement?

Joey: I think he means this morning, in Monica's apartment. You know, Happy Friends Day?

Chandler: Oh yeah, thanks buddy. Hey, do me a favor and remind me after this to kill you alright? (to Ross) Well, um I really don't know if I should be telling you.

Ross: Look, we're not stupid. We all know something is up with you and Monica.

Chandler and Joey: You do?

Joey: I mean, yeah we do! So spill it!

Ross: Yeah it doesn't exactly take a rocket scientist to figure out that you know who this secret boyfriend of hers is. So give it up? Is it someone we know?

Chandler: Ok. Just give me a second to think about how to say this. (pauses for a second to act like he's thinking. He then quickly gets up and starts running for the door, only to trip and fall. He gets back up, compose himself, then runs out again.)

Commerical Break

(The house where Phoebe is doing her first magic show. Phoebe is standing in a hallway talking with the party host)

Host: Ok, so you've got your routine down right?

Phoebe: Yeap. You know I figure I start off by pulling a rabbit out of hat, or like make some things disappear, reappear, that sort of thing.

Host: (looking confused) Sure, if you'll think that'll warm them up. So I'm going to say, "Introducing the Bedazzling Phoebe", and that's when you make your entrance. Got it?

Phoebe: Uh, yeah I think so. Ok, you go now.

(The host goes into the room of the party. We hear his voice offstage, coming from the room)

Host: Alright fellas, the moment we've all been waiting for. The Bedazzling Phoebe!

(Phoebe quickly runs into the room)

Phoebe: Hi ki--(sees the audience is all grown up men). Whoa, somebody sure hit puberty quick.

(Central Perk. All are there, Phoebe is telling them about the show)

Phoebe: They thought I was stripper! They wanted me to actually take off my clothes, and dance around. I mean, do I have a sign on my back that says cheap whore?

Chandler: Well, I used to have a sign on my back that read pathetic loser but I had it surgically removed.

Joey: Eh, not all of it.

Rachel: So what did you do Pheebs?

Monica: Yeah really.

Phoebe: Well, when I refused to strip, they started throwing money at me. So when they finally started tossing twenties, I picked them up and ran.

Ross: And who says there's no dignity in prostitution.

Phoebe: I mean honestly, how could anyone think that I was a stripper and not a magician?

Ross: (reading a sheet of paper) Um Pheebs, is this the flyer you put up around town?

Phoebe: Yeah, why?

Joey: Here, let me see. (reads it, and immediately has a smile on his face) Heh, heh, heh.

Monica: Let me look at it. (takes the flyer and reads out loud) The Bedazzling Phoebe. Master of the magic wand. There's no trick she won't perform.

Rachel: Pheebs?!?

Phoebe: What? (everyone stares at her) Oh, I get it. Oh my God I am a whore!

(Monica and Rachel's apt. Chandler and Monica are there)

Chandler: So you know, we're definitely going to have to tell them something now. I mean, they know something is up.

Monica: I know. It's just been kinda fun playing it a secret. I hate to see it end.

Chandler: Yeah, it has been fun. I know, we just ignore the subject, and then everyone will forget about it!

Monica: I wish it could be that easy.

(The rest of the gang then enters, led by Ross)

Ross: Ok guys! We want the truth and we want it now! We're not leaving until we get it!

Rachel: Yeah, so don't give us some crappy excuse like Happy Friends Day.

Phoebe: Or try to pay us to take our clothes off! (everyone looks at her) Sorry, my mind's still on that whole stripper thing.

(both Monica and Chandler look at each other, then Monica steps forward)

Monica: Ok, here goes…

Joey: (yelling out) Monica and I made out in London!

(Everyone turns to Joey with a confused look on their faces)

Joey: That's right. Both of us got real drunk, and we made out! But that's as far as it's gone! We've been trying to keep it a secret but it's been eating us up inside. And Chandler found out, so he's been playing along.

(Everyone then turns towards Chandler and Monica, who just look at each other and shrug)

Chandler: Yeah, that’s basically the truth.

Monica: Whoo! It sure feels good to get that load off! That was eating me up inside.

(Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe look at each other, still confused)

Ross: That's what we thought! So now we're going back down to the coffee shop!

Rachel: Yeah!

Phoebe: Let's go! And don't you (points to Joey, Monica, and Chandler) try any funny stuff!

(they all leave)

Chandler: Thanks Joe.

Monica: Yeah, but why did you do it? I mean, I don't get it.

Joey: Well, it's been kinda fun trying to watch you guys keep it a secret, and to be honest I felt kinda important being the only guy who knew. Kinda like James Bond or something.

Chandler: Well, 007 thanks. (starts to kiss Monica)

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Just because I save your little secret doesn't mean you have to stop pretending that I don't know. Now keep your distance. (Chandler and Monica take a step apart from each other) More. (they take another step) More. (they roll their eyes and take another step) Now that's the kinda distance I like to see!

The End