Written by: Jannie Smith

Scene: Outside the Abbey in London where Ross and Emily were getting married. Chandler is pretending to be a tour guide for a bunch of tourists with cameras...

Chandler: And here, is the building where Ross Geller reinvented the concept of creating a living hell for oneself.

Group of foreign tourists: Mmmm. (start to ask questions, point at maps etc).

Chandler: (stressed) Yes, well I have to get back in there, and see what's going on. Back on the bus!! Back, back, back!


Scene: Back inside Abbey. Everyone is sitting very still. There is a faint hum of conversation. The priest guy is standing at the front looking at Ross and Emily questioningly. Emily is staring at Ross,
looking totally hurt and furious. Ross can't believe what he just said.

Rachel:    (whispering, with her eyes tight shut) Oh, oh, oh my god Monica what have I done? What did he just say? Tell me I was hearing things?

Monica:    Sssshhhhh! Oh my god, she's gonna kick his ass!

Rachel:    Monica focus! Ohhhhh, I feel like everybody's looking at me, even though they don't know who I am, because they're all Emily's friends, but if I get up and run out then it'll just be so much harder to pretend I'm not Rachel.....

Priest: And we'll just - ah - abandon the order of service and go ....

(he beckons to the organist, who starts playing Endless Love and a soloist stands up to sing. The shellshocked congregation just sit still)

Ross:     Aaaaah, aaaah, Emily? We should talk.

Emily:     There's nothing to talk about, Ross.

Ross:     Well, (nervous laugh), it would, would appear that there might just an....impediment (sees Emily turning all flinty eyed) -al type of small, small, little tiny thing....

Emily:    Do you want - to marry me, Ross?

Ross:    Do I - Do I want to marry you? Do I?...Do I?

Emily:    Oh I'm so glad you're not confused by this.

Ross:    Are you by any chance going to make this a tiny bit harder than it needs to be?

Emily:     (to organist) Stop! Stop the (he can't hear) MUSIC!!! (last word is said just as the music pauses).

The priest looks all confused, as he still doesn't know what is happening.

Emily:    Hi (clears throat)...ummm, Hi. (She stands up by the priest.) I guess the first thing I should say is thank you all so much for coming here today. I thought it was going to be the happiest day of my life.

Ross:    Em! Any chance we could just (nervous laugh) y'know, talk this through a little first?

Emily:    Well, no...not really, Ross. I just have a few thoughts I want to share with our wedding guests. I had a speech all prepared for the reception, but it's kinda been overtaken by events.

Rachel:    (quietly to Monica) Ohhhh, she is so not gonna be happy with me.....

Monica:    Okay, Rach. You're my best friend and I love you. Okay?

Rachel:    Oh, sweetie, thanks (squeezes Monica's arm) You too -

Monica:    (interrupting) But can't you stop thinking about yourself for one second? Emily's wedding just turned into an episode of Days of Our Lives, Ross has probably ruined the best thing that ever happened to him, oh, and I slept with Chandler! So would you please try and get just a tiny little sense of proportion into your cheerleader head!

Emily:    Yeah, if I could just have everybody's attention? (looking at Monica and Rachel. They shut up. Rachel looks shellshocked). In fact, Rachel, why don't you come up here? Yes, up here. (Rachel shakes her head) Come on Rach, don't be shy...

Ross:    Aaaah, Em?

Emily:    Oh, did the groom have something to say? (Ross looks down). Okay, well it looks like Rachel's not gonna join us up here, so - does everyone know Rachel? Rachel, say Hi! (Rachel waves uncertainly). For  the benefit of all those who haven't had the pleasure, Rachel used to
date Ross. That was after she left her fiance Barry at the altar. She did eventually make it to Barry's wedding though, so she could parade up the aisle half naked. So you could say that being the centre of attention at a wedding isn't a totally new experience for her. Anyway, Ross and Rachel broke up which incidentally looked at one stage to be pretty lucky for me. Now that everyone's up to date, I have to ask you something, Ross.

(Joey's mobile phone rings. Emily glares at him. He looks really embarrassed and turns it off without answering it. He waves at Emily to continue.)

Emily:    Ross, I love you. I love you so much I can't find words to describe it. And this is hard for me to say in front of all these people because I'm English - and we don't do that. (Tears start to form
in her eyes).

Ross:    Aaah, thanks. (looking vaguely panicked)

Emily:    And I want to marry you. Today.

Ross:    (real look of panic) Emily...

Emily:    So this is your chance, Ross. This is where you get to decide. I don't want to force you into a marriage you aren't really committed to. You decide - now or never. If you want to, we can turn around and get married right now. And you just look like a bit of a goof with some undefined feelings for an old girlfriend. If you don't want to marry me, you have to say it out loud right now in front of all my friends and relations and a good few of yours. And I'm not gonna tell you what that's going to look like!

Ross:    (embarrassed laugh, stalling for time) Boy, you really do, you really (He looks over at Rachel, stalling for time. She looks away). Rach, aah...Emily

Emily:    Yeah, Anything you want to add, Rachel?

Rachel:    Monica slept with Chandler.

Monica:    What? What? What did you say? (hits Rachel round the head).

Chan:    Did Emily mention that Rachel is a compulsive liar?

Rachel:    Oh my god - did I say that out loud?

Joey:    Chandler? You slept with Mon? Score! (nods approvingly)

Chan:    Thanks, man. I mean - Nooooooooo!

Monica:    Oh, and of course my parents had to be here to witness this humiliation.........

Mrs G:    Great. First Richard who's twice her age and now the gay one.

Chan:    Humiliation? (to Monica)Humiliation? (to Joey) I've heard it called many things, but??

Emily:    If we could just get back to the point here. (She is crying). Ross, I believe you had a decision to make?

Ross:    Do I? I - I - I guess, I do......

Emily:    Ross! Will you marry me?

Ross:    Em. I love you. I do. I really, really do. (pause)

Eimly: Who are you trying to convince, Ross?

Ross: I just think we should take some time....

Emily:    No, Ross. Take me now, or lose me forever - oh, I've wanted to say that ever since I saw Top Gun!

Ross:    (starts to cry himself) Then, then I can't marry you Em. I want to be able to, but I really can't. I care about you too much to hurt you and I can't....(burst fully into tears and runs out of church)

Joey: I just want everyone to stay calm. We're going to go after Ross, and we're going to make sure he gets through this okay.

{Congregation stares back meanly)

Joey: (to Chandler) Do you think that's possibly not what they were worried about?

(Exit Chandler and Joey after Ross)

Rachel: Mon, I have to get out of here. I have to get out of here. Oh, oh, oh....what have I done

Monica: I'm gonna go to Emily

Monica rushes over to Emily who is standing in total shock by the altar. The minister has given up and is removing his surplice etc. Emily is taking off her veil.

Monica: Emily, are you okay?

Emily: (calm, wiping tears away) Why shouldn't I be? I've still got my dignity.

Monica: (laughs disbelievingly) Whoo, did I miss something? (realises, touches Emily on the arm) Cos, honey, dignity isn't really what this is all about.

Emily: Oh yeah? (angrily) Well, how dignified do you think your idiot brother is feeling about now?

Change scene to a London cafe called Piccadilly Percus. Ross is sitting on a couch with his head in his hands. Chandler and Joey are sitting one to either side, looking equally depressed.

Ross: Yes!!!

Chandler: (jumps) What?

Ross: Yes, yes, yes. See I can say it now!!!

Joey: Is this where we go into the whole - it's too late song and dance number?

Chandler: Y'know, if its any consolation, you and Rachel are tied now.

Ross: Tied, like to each other, tied?

Chandler: No, tied like you've both left someone at the altar, tied. You know, it's a tie.

Ross: Y'know, out of all the things I once wanted to have in common with Rachel, that's none of them.

Joey: whoa whoa whoa, ONCE wanted? You still want Rachel, don't you? Isn't that what this whole crazy marriage thing was all about?

Ross: That's what you thought?

Joey: That's one of the things.

Ross: (to Chandler) That's what you thought?

Chan: Well, not in so many - yeah, pretty much.

Ross: What about Rachel - is that what she thought? Oh my god, she came over. That is why she came over, isn't it.

Joey: But you still love her, right?

Ross: Like I love rabid dogs!

Chan: Ross, perspective - this is Rach we're talking about here. Rachel, beautiful Rachel, funny, kind, sweet, beautiful -

Ross: Wedding-wrecking Rachel! You know, you guys, I am so sick of this whole Rachel thing. I want her, she doesn't know what she wants, I move on, she wants me, I'm like "Yeah", she's like "Uh-uh", I'm back to the whole moving on thing until Rachel decides to bowl on in like a tank
and wreck everything! Julie, Bonnie, and now Em....

Joey: But you still love her, right?

Ross: She's Rach. I mean - it's like - I've loved her since I was thirteen years old. And every time it looked like things were working out she's done something to make it not work. And Emily -

Chan: Aaaah, Emily. (shakes head mournfully)

Ross: No! No! I love her. I love her so much that right now I feel like my heart's in a blender!

Chan: (To Joey)Never been THAT much in love.

Joey: If you love Emily, why did you say I take you Rachel?

Ross: Listen, the last time I got married, I thought it was forever. This time, I really wanted it to be forever, but there's a bit of me that keeps thinking - what if, what if. I didn't sleep a wink last
night thinking about the wedding - nothing about Emily has ever stressed me out so much before. But Rachel - she used to stress me out all the time. So when I had to make my vows, I was in a kind of Rachel place - you can understand that, can't you man? (to Chandler)

Chan: Absolutely. (pats Ross on back)

Joey: (to Chandler, looking confused) Really?

Chan: (whispering, over Ross) Not in a million years.

Change scene: back to hotel. Monica and Rachel are in Monica's room. Rachel is pacing. Monica is sitting on a couch pretending to read.

Rachel: Mon, Mon, I know you're really mad at me...

Monica: I'm not mad. It's just - you and Ross have had so many chances. Why can't you just admit he's over you? If you hadn't come all the way over here like that on the spur of the moment, or if you'd come with the rest of us like it was no big deal, this wouldn't have happened! Instead you had to go and make a whole big Rachel Drama out of it and - whoo, guess I am kinda mad.

Rachel: He said it. He said "I take you Rachel!" I didn't make him say that! He said it all by himself.

Monica: So you think he's still got feelings for you? After all that's happened? The break and the Bonnie thing and Mark, and now this?

Rachel: I guess so, yeah....

Monica: And you still have feelings for him?

Rachel: Of course - didn't you know?

Monica: Why would I know?

Rachel: Pheebs said you all knew.

Monica: Yeah, I sort of knew. But Rach, you can't go break up his marriage just so you can dump on him again for no particular reason in two weeks time. If you wanna tell him how you feel you have to be prepared to make a real commitment to him.

Rachel: I - I - (starts to hyperventilate)

Monica: I just mean that you can't keep screwing around with my brother's life, okay? Now if you love him you should be able to cope with that.

Rachel: Oh, oh, Mon, - commitment? I - suddenly I don't know...y'know what? (defiant) That is just too much pressure!!!!

Monica: (angry again) Well some day soon Rach you are going to have to figure out how to deal with that kind of pressure. Cos, what you are doing is not fair! It's not fair to us, it's not fair to you,and most of all -

Rachel: (quietly) It's totally not fair to Ross....

Monica: Hey, I was just getting into it..

Rachel: How come you never told me this before?

Monica: I thought you'd figure it out - y'know, and then get back together with Ross.

Rachel: All this time? We could have been together all this time, except for me! (Stares disbelievingly into distance)

Monica: Rach?

Rachel: Mon, I love your stupid brother.

Monica: Then, what are you doing sitting here and sayin' it to me?

Rachel: Oh you're right, you're right. Let's go find him.

Monica: Why am I coming?

Rachel: So you can yell at me and tell me what a terrible person I am all the way.

Monica: Cool.

Scene change back to Piccadilly Percus

Ross: Gnnnnccchhh!

Chan: Oh, we're into phase three.

Joey: There's phases?

Chan: There's always phases.

Joey: What are the phases?

Chan: Disbelief.

Joey: Been there.

Chan: Remorse.

Joey: Had that.

Chan: and .... lack of ability to make meaningful sounds...

Joey: Heyyyy!

Ross: Oh god! Why did she come? Why did she come?

Chan: Well, you did invite her......

Ross: Shut up! It's lucky Rach isn't here right now, because I don't think I'd be able to stop myself telling her exactly what I think of her!

Monica follows Rachel in. They are wet because it has been raining. Joey starts dialling the mobile phone.

Ross: Rach, Mon, hi...

Rachel: (distraught) Oh God Ross, hi! I just went to your hotel and you weren't there and then this guy with a big trolley said you might be here and you are, you are!

Ross: Has anyone else got a weird feeling of deja vu?

Chan: No.

Monica: Not really

Joey: Not at all.

Phoebe: (on cellphone) Oh, totally!

They all look at Joey, like - you called Pheebs?

Joey: (defensively) Well, Pheebs wanted to talk about the duck. She's all tense and her aura is a funny colour. (makes gesture like - what can you do?)

They all look at Joey.

Joey: Pheebs, I'll call you back. (pause) Ok, well...

He leaves the phone on and puts it in his shirt pocket.

Joey: (shrugs, to Chandler) She wants to know what happens.

Ross: (firmly) Rach, we need to talk.

Rach: Guys, can you give us some space?

Chandler and Joey move over a fraction on the couch.

Ross: (getting irritated now) Ok, no, shoo, shoo.

(they get up to move)

Chan: Did Ross just tell us to SHOO?

Joey: I'm more worried about what he's going to do to Rachel - he didn't sound too happy with her a minute ago. Now, I've never seen Ross get violent towards a woman, but...

Monica: Shhh, shhhh!

Ross and Rachel are talking, Rachel is looking sorrowful and deeply into Ross's eyes. All of a sudden Ross gets mad and starts making these really emphatic hand gestures and looking really angry.

Phoebe: Oh, oh, I can't see - are they making up? Eeew, no, I'm getting some really weird vibes.

Joey: Like what kind of vibes, Pheebs?

Phoebe: Like something awful is about to happen. Oh no. Oh no. Don't do it, don't do it!

Monica grabs the phone.

Monica: Don't do what? They're just talking -

Phoebe: No, the duck just peed on your sofa. Yeah, sometimes my vibes get confused.

Monica: The duck did what?

Phoebe: Op, just my new song, la la la, the duck just peed on the sofa, la la and the chick is eating your loafers, la la -

Monica: Ok NOT making things better, Pheebs.

Joey takes back the phone, angrily from Mon.

Joey: Pheebs, Pheebs, is she okay? The duck, I mean. (pause) Ok, I'll call again later. (hangs up)

Ross takes Rachel's face in his hands and kisses her,

Mon/Chan/Joey: Ohhhhh!

Ross pulls away from the kiss and then starts gesticulating and speaking really angrily. Then he looks at her, and calms down, and kisses her again. After a minute, Rachel pulls away from the kiss and slaps Ross's face really hard, starting to cry.

Mon/Chan/Joey: Ooooooooooh! (in a tone like 'that wasn't very nice')

Ross opens his hands in a 'now what' gesture. Rachel falls back into his arms and kisses him. This time nobody slaps.

Chan: Is anyone else VERY confused?

Joey: Yeah. I wonder what's wrong with the duck?

Monica: Oh will you forget the stupid duck?


Monica: Ok, just for a minute.

Chan: Look, look!

Rachel and Ross are hugging. Rachel is crying. Ross is just about crying. They come over to the others, Ross's arm around Rachel.

MOn: Soooooooo?

Ross: So you slept with Chandler huh? (menacingly to Chandler) You slept with my little sister?

Chan: I think YOUR disastrous love life was on the table, Ross?

Joey: I think there's room on the table to discuss you and Mon.

Monica: Look, there's - there's nothing to discuss. It was a one night thing - a, a mistake.

Chan: It wasn't even that good...

Monica: (offended) And there you go...

Joey: So what's the deal with you two? (indicating Ross and Rachel)

Rachel: Well, we're NOT getting married.

Ross: And, obviously, I'm NOT marrying Emily.

(pause, during which Monica, Chandler and Joey all look expectantly at Ross and Rachel, who look innocent. Joey's phone rings.)

Joey: hello? Oh. HI MOM. (pause) Nothing. I mean, yep - you know what I mean? Ok MOM.

Rachel (grabs phone): Pheebs? (pause) Yeah. Yeah. We'll talk later. (Hands phone back to Joey).

Joey (trying to cover up): That was Pheebs? Boy she sounded like my mom.

(All roll their eyes at Joey)

Monica: (to Ross and Rachel) So? Are you back together?

Rachel: I think the definitive answer to that would be ....

Ross: No.

Rachel: (agreeing) No.


Joey: Anyone else want lunch?

All: yeah, yeah, really.

Joey: Although I don't know if we should eat here - I mean what a dumb name for a coffee house -

(later. Chandler in his hotel room packing or singing or something. There is a soft knock on the door)

Chan: Come in?

(Monica slips around the edge of the door quickly so nobody will see her)

Mon: I think we have a little talkin' to do!

Chan: Oh, right, about what I said before.

Mon: Yep, about that. (beat, asks shyly) Was it that bad?

Chan: No! No, it was great...wasn't it?

Mon: Yes! Yes, yes it was, - fine. And, you know, if it were to happen again, I wouldn't be entirely uncomfortable with that...

Chan: Me neither! God! (indicates with his hand that they are so in sync)

Mon: Not that - I mean - we should - you know...we shouldn't...

Chan: Shouldn't....

Mon: Have a big relationship thing, because ...

Chan: Oh good, because for a moment I thought you were saying that we shouldn't...

Mon: No! I mean, you know, I'm cool.

Chan: Yeah, no, me too. And the relationship thing -

Mon: Totally -

Chan: Totally comfortable with that - you know, who'd want to end up like Ross and Rachel, huh?

Mon: Absolutely. And we don't need to tell the others anything - it was just a one-time drunken mistake, right?

Chan: Yeah. Totally believable - cos boy have I made a lot of those.

Mon: Yeah, me too.

Chan: But not this one...(kisses her)

(scene change to Ross's hotel room. Ross and Rachel are sitting on the couch, talking. There is a knock on the door.)

Ross: That'll be the guys. Come in!

(the door is unlocked and Emily walks in).

Rachel: Oh!

(Ross and Rachel move away from each other.)

Emily: Hi. (sits down) Oh relax.

Ross: Em, I am so sorry. I am sooo sorry. I wasn't leading you on, I promise.

Emily: I know.

Ross: You do? (dubious)

Emily: Yeah. I hoped and hoped that everything was going to be all right, but when Rachel arrived, I sort of expected something like this. Well, not at the altar in front of everyone I know, but - you know.

Ross: Yeah (uneasy chuckle).

Emily: I just wanted it all to be so perfect - you know, this big romantic day with this amazing guy who swept me off my feet. And you did, Ross, you really did. You're the most crazy romantic, sweetest guy...I should have known that we couldn't base a lifetime on six - fabulous - weeks. (Ross is about to say something, but she holds out her hand to stop him). Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I'm going on the honeymoon anyway.

Ross: With -

Emily: (nods) With Colin. He's my best friend. Okay, maybe the whole big romance thing is gone, but - he's the closest person to me in the world. Like you two are for each other.

Rachel: Ohhh.

Emily: I'm not wild about the way things have worked out, but I am sorry I gave you both such a hard time at the church. Now I'm thinking a little more clearly, this is the best possible thing that could have happened. (standing) We were crazy to think it would work, Ross.

Ross: (also standing) Great crazy...

Emily: (tearing up) Yeah....(They kiss).

(pause. They are still kissing). Rachel looks the other way. Then she looks back. They are still kissing. She coughs. They don't hear. So she coughs again, harder).

Ross: Oh, oh, wow. Okay, bye Emily. I did - I do love you, you know.

Emily: Yeah. Just not quite in the right way, yeah?

Ross just looks at her.

Emily: And to show that I don't have any hard feelings towards you, I won't insult you by offering to pay you back for your half of the trip.

Ross: Wow, tha - thanks...I think...

Emily: Rachel, this morning I didn't feel like thanking you at all. But you've stopped me making a mistake. And you and Ross - you really do belong together. (gets all emotional) I, I've gotta go.

(Emily leaves).

Ross: Now, lets just get this straight. We're not back together, soooooo, me kissing Emily - that was fine, right?

Rachel: Oh, completely.

Ross: So... (shyly) want to get back together now?

Rachel: Oh, Ross - I want to so much...

Ross: But....

Rachel: but what?

Ross: I thought there was going to be a but!

Rachel: No, no buts...

Ross: Sooooo...

Rachel: We're... (gestures to indicate "all on"?)

Ross: The Chloe thing?

Rachel: Op - we were on a break! (Beat) And my irrational stupidity thing?

Ross: As much fun as it WAS...

Rachel: - Over.

Ross: Love you Rach.

Rachel: Love you too

(I'm sick of writing they kiss. But they do.)


Scene change back to Joey's room. He is on the phone.

Joey: (singing) And a (pause) here, and a (pause ) there. Here a (pause) there a (pause) everywhere a (Pause). Old McDonald had a farm - Pheebs? I just don't think she's getting it. Could you quack along?

the end .