The One with Three Chicks and A Duck

Written by: Jessa

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s. Chandler is watching late night TV (what a surprise!) with the duck]

Chandler: Hey-hey-hey! You’re looking plumper aren’t you? Have you been eating Joey’s socks again? (The chick squeaks) Yes, yes. You are slimmer - not that she is fat! Maybe you should try a gluten free diet... (Duck quacks and flaps his wings) What?! Oh, I I don’t think Joey’s socks contain gluten...

Opening Credits


[Scene: Central Perk. The gang is on the couch, discussing the duck’s growth spurt]

Joey: I’m so worried about her, y’know? She just always seemed to be the graceful one and now...don’t tell her this...but I’m almost ashamed to look at her!

Chandler: How can you say that about her? Oh, I don’t believe you! She’s just a ... little plump. That’s all. This can’t be doing much for her self-confidence.

Ross: Maybe you should take her to the vet.

Joey: Oh no!

Chandler: Joey doesn’t like the vet. Not since his dream.

Phoebe: Oh! Dreams can say a lot about you! Tell me your dream, Joey!

Joey: No!

All (except Joey): Oh go on! Tell us your dream!

Monica: We’ll pester you forever otherwise.

Joey:’ve gotta promise not to laugh!

Chandler: Depends how funny it is.

Phoebe: I won’t laugh - dreams are very sincere.

Rachel: Is it one of those "naked in a mall" dreams?

Joey: Hey, I wouldn’t mind havin’ one of those!

Monica: I think she means the ones where you’re naked!

Joey: Oh! No. Though it could be related. Look, I’m not gonna tell ya! It’s really private - and I think the girls would laugh.

Ross: Oh...that dream!

Chandler: What dream? What dream?

Ross: The dream. The vet dream.

Joey: How do we know it’s the same vet dream? I have two vet dreams, and one is kinda nice...

Girls: Eugh!

Joey: What?!


[Scene: Central Perk toilets (mens). Joey, Ross and Chandler are discussing "the dream"]

Ross: Well? Which dream is it?

Joey: You guys promise you won’t laugh.

Ross: Of course.

Chandler: (pauses) Yes.

Joey: Okay...well, when I was little we used to have a dog. He was called Blackie -

Ross: Because he was a dark horse?

Joey: What?!

Ross: A womanizing rebel!

Joey: No...he had black fur. Anyway, he kept getting all these female dogs pregnant, and y’know they’d come moping’ around the gates calling’ to him at night and stuff.

Chandler: How romantic!

Joey: Come on, guys, I’m tryin’ to be serious here!

Ross: But what about the dream?

Joey: I’m gettin’ there! So, my gran said we had to take him to the vet to be neutered. I asked my mom what this was and she said "It’s to stop him getting lady dogs pregnant". So anyway, I put two and two together and I figured that that meant they were chopping off his...bits.

Ross: Is this the dream yet?

Joey: I get this recurring dream when I go to the vets. I dream that I’m Blackie and the nurse...y’know.

Chandler & Ross: Ow...

Joey: That’s why I never go to the vets. If I saw a dog about to be neutered I’d just freak out. What if they want to, you know, clean the...scissors or something? I’m gonna be like "Oh man!" and fainting on the floor! That hot vet’s gonna think I’m a wuss!

Chandler: And the whole...snip thing...ow...

Ross: You know, I think I’ve just developed a fear of the vet too.


[Scene: Rachel and Monica’s. Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are eating chicken in front of the TV]

Rachel: Honestly, I can’t believe how childish the guys are being! I mean ‘Oh no! You can’t hear Joey’s dream because you’re girls".

Monica: Sometimes I wonder how they graduated from kindergarten!

Phoebe: Perhaps it was about, y’know, "man trouble". I mean, we wouldn’t talk about "that time of the month" to them would we?

Monica: Unless it actually was our time of the month.

Rachel: Oh the looks of fear on their faces!

Phoebe: I mean, boys will be boys. You know how sensitive they are about their...tackle.

Monica: Tackle?

Phoebe: Don’t question me! You know what I mean, though? The size, shape, feel...everything!

Rachel: Yeah...I suppose...

Monica: I don’t think that the vet should affect their tackle! No, they’re just being sneaky and...dirty. I dislike dirt.

Rachel & Phoebe: We know.


[Scene: Central Perk Toilets (mens) (continued from earlier)]

Ross: You know what? We’ve got to face up to our fear!

Joey: What? As in walk in to the vet!

Chandler: I don’t think I could do it, man. Not since...what Joey told me.

Ross: Listen, we’ve got to! For the duck’s sake! What if she’s really ill, and her stomach’s about to...explode?

Chandler: You’re right Ross. Joey, it’s our duck out there! We’ve gotta do the right thing. Be brave man, and then we’ll make it...

Ross: (leaving) That’s the spirit!

Chandler (watching him go): Maybe.

Joey: That is one brave man!


[Scene: The vets. Joey and Chandler are waiting, and , every so often, Ross pops his head through the window for support]

Joey: Oh man...I feel sick...

Chandler: Notice how Ross stays outside? Pah, wuss! Look at us, we’re big, tough men.

Joey: Mmmm (Nurse appears holding large needle) Chandler...

Chandler: Oh-my-god. That doesn’t look (gulps) good.

Ross: Way to go guys! Yeah! You’re kicking (sees needle and faints)

Nurse: there a Chandler Bing or Joey Tribianni here?

(Chandler and Joey’s seats are empty)

[Cut To: Outside the vet]

Chandler: Ross, are you okay?

Ross: I’m...fine. Way to go guys!’re-you’re not in there. Guys! Don’t give in. I had so much hope for you. There’s no chance for me now, but you- you are still young. Try.

Joey: I don’t think I can...

Ross: For an old man’s final pleasure...

Chandler: Ross, you’re 29.

Ross: Don’t spoil Joey’s illusion!

Joey: I’m going in! Come on Chandler! We’re gonna help this duck.(Duck quacks) Yeah, that’s right!

[Cut to: Inside the Vet]

Joey: We’re here! We’re helping our duck! She’s gonna be fine, because we’ve got guts dammit!

Nurse: Okay, if you’ll just step through here. Could you put the duck on the table please?

Joey: Yeah, sure. We’ve got guts, haven’t we Chandler? Chandler...

Nurse: Is this a male duck?

Joey:! We’re both female as can be. Neither of us can be neutered. No way! No tackle here! The only thing you can cut is thing air. (calls out of the door) CHANDLER!!


[Cut to: Chandler and Ross, leaning on the wall outside]

Ross: You don’t think it was a bit mean to let him go in there alone.

Chandler: No. We’re doing him a favour!

Ross: Yes, and this way we get to keep our masculinity!

Joey (popping head round door): Chandler! You’ve gotta come see this.

Chandler: Oh, I don’t know...

Ross: What is it Joey?

Joey: Come on! The nurse is really hot, and the vet says he doesn’t use scissors at all. Plus, come and see the duck!

Chandler: I see him everyday, but...oh okay


[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s. Rachel, Monica and Phoebe (continues from earlier]

Rachel: Hey, there’s a big sale on at Bloomindales today. I forgot to go! This is bad. What if I missed the bargain of the century –?

Phoebe: Oh no! What if you didn’t buy the cure for cancer, and instead Dr. Evil did!

Monica: Pheebs! Come on Rach, it isn’t that bad.

Rachel: That bad! That bad! I know, it’s worse. All because of those stupid, stupid boys. I swear, we should have got that duck whilst we had the chance!

Monica: Well, it is kinda annoying when it crows at 3 AM.

Rachel: I didn’t know ducks did that?

Monica: Oh...well the chick does!

Rachel: I’m gonna have a talk with them. I think the duck has got to go.

Monica: You know, I have a great recipe for duck. There’s this gorgeous sauce and-

Phoebe: Monica! Vegetarian in the room!

Monica: All I’d need is a little sauce. Hey, the chick could be a side dish.


[Scene: The vets continued (again)]

Vet: Anyway, after a short analysis it seems your duck isn’t incredibly fat - just pregnant.

Chandler(hugging duck): Oh my little baby! I’m so proud of you!

Vet: Several months gone in fact.

Joey: Hang on here. Several months? She hasn’t seen any ducks for at least a year - not since she was in the shelter.

Chandler: Joe, are you saying there’s a duck lover underneath our floorboards? (to vet) He does get carried away sometimes.

Joey: Well, what other explanation is there? Hey, y’know - maybe it was the chick!

Chandler: How could you even suggest that! They’re just...friends that’s all.(to duck) Ignore him, baby, he’s just being himself.

Vet: Excuse me. I would like to point out that that is a very possible explanation. Especially as the embryos are so small.

Ross: Excuse me, don’t ducks lay eggs. They are like dinosaurs in that respect. In fact...(Ross continues but everyone ignores him)

Vet: Of course. (Produces eggs). I found these whilst you were...outside. We have a gismo to check them and everything seems okay. You’ll need to incubate them though. We have one here.

Joey: We’ll...have to....come back?

Vet: I suppose you could get one yourselves. They are...large though.

Chandler: We don’t care! Only the best for our baby!

Ross: Is anyone listening to me?!


[Scene: Monica and Rachel. The gang is all there - including an annoyed Ross]

Phoebe: You know maybe I should give her pre-natal classes or something. After all, I have experience.

Chandler: Err....Pheebs? She’s already layed the eggs.

Phoebe: So where are the chicks, huh?

Chandler: In the eggs.

Rachel: So explain this once again. That tiny little chick, kinda hopped on?

Joey: We didn’t watch!

Chandler: You have to give your kids some privacy, y’know. Of course, if we’d have known what was going to fact I’m slightly disappointed in her. I thought she had better taste. Not that you could call him her brother...

Monica: So...when’ll we see the chicks?

Joey: Not long now! The vet says-

Ross: If you ask me, I don’t think that vet had an idea what was going on! I would have expected a fellow animal expert to listen, and understand the point of...

Joey: A week, maybe even four days.

Phoebe: Wow! That’s quick. Why couldn’t mine last four days?

Ross: Well Phoebe, to that to there is a logical explanation. It’s all to do with cells, and how they vary from species to species-

Monica: How many are there?

Chandler: Four eggs, though the vet says not to get our hopes up. Probably only one or two will survive.

Rachel: That’s so sad....

Joey: Yeah, well the mom doesn’t seem very attached! She just, y’know, spends all day staring at the incubator! She’s gonna take it badly.

Chandler: Joey, everyone stares at the incubator. If we were all quiet we could here it now. (Everyone shuts up, and we hear a humming sound)

Rachel: That’s really loud! How do you sleep?

Chandler: We don’t.


[Cut to: Chandler and Joey’s. We see a huge (and I am not exaggerating here!) photocopier type machine, with a chick sitting on top. The duck is on one of the chairs, staring at it.]