The One with Three Chicks and A DuckWritten by: Jessa
[Scene: Chandler and Joeys. Chandler is watching late night TV (what a surprise!) with the duck]
Chandler: Hey-hey-hey! Youre looking plumper arent you? Have you been eating Joeys socks again? (The chick squeaks) Yes, yes. You are slimmer - not that she is fat! Maybe you should try a gluten free diet... (Duck quacks and flaps his wings) What?! Oh, I see...no. I dont think Joeys socks contain gluten...
[Scene: Central Perk. The gang is on the couch, discussing the ducks growth spurt]
Joey: Im so worried about her, yknow? She just always seemed to be the graceful one and now...dont tell her this...but Im almost ashamed to look at her!
Chandler: How can you say that about her? Oh, I dont believe you! Shes just a ... little plump. Thats all. This cant be doing much for her self-confidence.
Ross: Maybe you should take her to the vet.
Joey: Oh no!
Chandler: Joey doesnt like the vet. Not since his dream.
Phoebe: Oh! Dreams can say a lot about you! Tell me your dream, Joey!
All (except Joey): Oh go on! Tell us your dream!
Monica: Well pester you forever otherwise.
Joey: Well...youve gotta promise not to laugh!
Chandler: Depends how funny it is.
Phoebe: I wont laugh - dreams are very sincere.
Rachel: Is it one of those "naked in a mall" dreams?
Joey: Hey, I wouldnt mind havin one of those!
Monica: I think she means the ones where youre naked!
Joey: Oh! No. Though it could be related. Look, Im not gonna tell ya! Its really private - and I think the girls would laugh.
Ross: Oh...that dream!
Chandler: What dream? What dream?
Ross: The dream. The vet dream.
Joey: How do we know its the same vet dream? I have two vet dreams, and one is kinda nice...
[Scene: Central Perk toilets (mens). Joey, Ross and Chandler are discussing "the dream"]
Ross: Well? Which dream is it?
Joey: You guys promise you wont laugh.
Ross: Of course.
Chandler: (pauses) Yes.
Joey: Okay...well, when I was little we used to have a dog. He was called Blackie -
Ross: Because he was a dark horse?
Ross: A womanizing rebel!
Joey: No...he had black fur. Anyway, he kept getting all these female dogs pregnant, and yknow theyd come moping around the gates calling to him at night and stuff.
Chandler: How romantic!
Joey: Come on, guys, Im tryin to be serious here!
Ross: But what about the dream?
Joey: Im gettin there! So, my gran said we had to take him to the vet to be neutered. I asked my mom what this was and she said "Its to stop him getting lady dogs pregnant". So anyway, I put two and two together and I figured that that meant they were chopping off his...bits.
Ross: Is this the dream yet?
Joey: I get this recurring dream when I go to the vets. I dream that Im Blackie and the nurse...yknow.
Chandler & Ross: Ow...
Joey: Thats why I never go to the vets. If I saw a dog about to be neutered Id just freak out. What if they want to, you know, clean the...scissors or something? Im gonna be like "Oh man!" and fainting on the floor! That hot vets gonna think Im a wuss!
Chandler: And the whole...snip thing...ow...
Ross: You know, I think Ive just developed a fear of the vet too.
[Scene: Rachel and Monicas. Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are eating chicken in front of the TV]
Rachel: Honestly, I cant believe how childish the guys are being! I mean Oh no! You cant hear Joeys dream because youre girls".
Monica: Sometimes I wonder how they graduated from kindergarten!
Phoebe: Perhaps it was about, yknow, "man trouble". I mean, we wouldnt talk about "that time of the month" to them would we?
Monica: Unless it actually was our time of the month.
Rachel: Oh the looks of fear on their faces!
Phoebe: I mean, boys will be boys. You know how sensitive they are about their...tackle.
Phoebe: Dont question me! You know what I mean, though? The size, shape, feel...everything!
Rachel: Yeah...I suppose...
Monica: I dont think that the vet should affect their tackle! No, theyre just being sneaky and...dirty. I dislike dirt.
Rachel & Phoebe: We know.
[Scene: Central Perk Toilets (mens) (continued from earlier)]
Ross: You know what? Weve got to face up to our fear!
Joey: What? As in walk in to the vet!
Chandler: I dont think I could do it, man. Not since...what Joey told me.
Ross: Listen, weve got to! For the ducks sake! What if shes really ill, and her stomachs about to...explode?
Chandler: Youre right Ross. Joey, its our duck out there! Weve gotta do the right thing. Be brave man, and then well make it...
Ross: (leaving) Thats the spirit!
Chandler (watching him go): Maybe.
Joey: That is one brave man!
[Scene: The vets. Joey and Chandler are waiting, and , every so often, Ross pops his head through the window for support]
Joey: Oh man...I feel sick...
Chandler: Notice how Ross stays outside? Pah, wuss! Look at us, were big, tough men.
Joey: Mmmm (Nurse appears holding large needle) Chandler...
Chandler: Oh-my-god. That doesnt look (gulps) good.
Ross: Way to go guys! Yeah! Youre kicking (sees needle and faints)
Nurse: Err...is there a Chandler Bing or Joey Tribianni here?
(Chandler and Joeys seats are empty)
[Cut To: Outside the vet]
Chandler: Ross, are you okay?
Ross: Im...fine. Way to go guys! Yeah...youre-youre not in there. Guys! Dont give in. I had so much hope for you. Theres no chance for me now, but you- you are still young. Try.
Joey: I dont think I can...
Ross: For an old mans final pleasure...
Chandler: Ross, youre 29.
Ross: Dont spoil Joeys illusion!
Joey: Im going in! Come on Chandler! Were gonna help this duck.(Duck quacks) Yeah, thats right!
[Cut to: Inside the Vet]
Joey: Were here! Were helping our duck! Shes gonna be fine, because weve got guts dammit!
Nurse: Okay, if youll just step through here. Could you put the duck on the table please?
Joey: Yeah, sure. Weve got guts, havent we Chandler? Chandler...
Nurse: Is this a male duck?
Joey: Err...no! Were both female as can be. Neither of us can be neutered. No way! No tackle here! The only thing you can cut is thing air. (calls out of the door) CHANDLER!!
[Cut to: Chandler and Ross, leaning on the wall outside]
Ross: You dont think it was a bit mean to let him go in there alone.
Chandler: No. Were doing him a favour!
Ross: Yes, and this way we get to keep our masculinity!
Joey (popping head round door): Chandler! Youve gotta come see this.
Chandler: Oh, I dont know...
Ross: What is it Joey?
Joey: Come on! The nurse is really hot, and the vet says he doesnt use scissors at all. Plus, come and see the duck!
Chandler: I see him everyday, but...oh okay
[Scene: Monica and Rachels. Rachel, Monica and Phoebe (continues from earlier]
Rachel: Hey, theres a big sale on at Bloomindales today. I forgot to go! This is bad. What if I missed the bargain of the century ?
Phoebe: Oh no! What if you didnt buy the cure for cancer, and instead Dr. Evil did!
Monica: Pheebs! Come on Rach, it isnt that bad.
Rachel: That bad! That bad! I know, its worse. All because of those stupid, stupid boys. I swear, we should have got that duck whilst we had the chance!
Monica: Well, it is kinda annoying when it crows at 3 AM.
Rachel: I didnt know ducks did that?
Monica: Oh...well the chick does!
Rachel: Im gonna have a talk with them. I think the duck has got to go.
Monica: You know, I have a great recipe for duck. Theres this gorgeous sauce and-
Phoebe: Monica! Vegetarian in the room!
Monica: All Id need is a little sauce. Hey, the chick could be a side dish.
[Scene: The vets continued (again)]
Vet: Anyway, after a short analysis it seems your duck isnt incredibly fat - just pregnant.
Chandler(hugging duck): Oh my little baby! Im so proud of you!
Vet: Several months gone in fact.
Joey: Hang on here. Several months? She hasnt seen any ducks for at least a year - not since she was in the shelter.
Chandler: Joe, are you saying theres a duck lover underneath our floorboards? (to vet) He does get carried away sometimes.
Joey: Well, what other explanation is there? Hey, yknow - maybe it was the chick!
Chandler: How could you even suggest that! Theyre just...friends thats all.(to duck) Ignore him, baby, hes just being himself.
Vet: Excuse me. I would like to point out that that is a very possible explanation. Especially as the embryos are so small.
Ross: Excuse me, dont ducks lay eggs. They are like dinosaurs in that respect. In fact...(Ross continues but everyone ignores him)
Vet: Of course. (Produces eggs). I found these whilst you were...outside. We have a gismo to check them and everything seems okay. Youll need to incubate them though. We have one here.
Joey: Well...have to....come back?
Vet: I suppose you could get one yourselves. They are...large though.
Chandler: We dont care! Only the best for our baby!
Ross: Is anyone listening to me?!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel. The gang is all there - including an annoyed Ross]
Phoebe: You know maybe I should give her pre-natal classes or something. After all, I have experience.
Chandler: Err....Pheebs? Shes already layed the eggs.
Phoebe: So where are the chicks, huh?
Chandler: In the eggs.
Rachel: So explain this once again. That tiny little chick, kinda hopped on?
Joey: We didnt watch!
Chandler: You have to give your kids some privacy, yknow. Of course, if wed have known what was going to happen...in fact Im slightly disappointed in her. I thought she had better taste. Not that you could call him her brother...
Monica: So...whenll we see the chicks?
Joey: Not long now! The vet says-
Ross: If you ask me, I dont think that vet had an idea what was going on! I would have expected a fellow animal expert to listen, and understand the point of...
Joey: A week, maybe even four days.
Phoebe: Wow! Thats quick. Why couldnt mine last four days?
Ross: Well Phoebe, to that to there is a logical explanation. Its all to do with cells, and how they vary from species to species-
Monica: How many are there?
Chandler: Four eggs, though the vet says not to get our hopes up. Probably only one or two will survive.
Rachel: Thats so sad....
Joey: Yeah, well the mom doesnt seem very attached! She just, yknow, spends all day staring at the incubator! Shes gonna take it badly.
Chandler: Joey, everyone stares at the incubator. If we were all quiet we could here it now. (Everyone shuts up, and we hear a humming sound)
Rachel: Thats really loud! How do you sleep?
Chandler: We dont.
[Cut to: Chandler and Joeys. We see a huge (and I am not exaggerating here!) photocopier type machine, with a chick sitting on top. The duck is on one of the chairs, staring at it.]