The One With the Top Hat

                                                            Written by: jbaghenry


Disclaimer: The characters in this script do not belong to me and were created by David Crane & Marta Kauffman

This is my third fanfic. Also check out my other two, The One With the Two Questions and The One With All the Sleepovers because this script takes place after those two. Enjoy!



[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, all present.]


Chandler: (reading the newspaper) Hey, Mon, what movie do you think we oughtta go see?


Monica: It doesn’t matter to me honey; you can pick anything you want to go see.


Chandler: All right, Booty Call 2 it is.


Joey: (looking at a map) Hey, do any of you guys know a good park in the city?


Rachel: Uh, yeah, let’s see, um, there’s Grand Park, Cherry Park, and, oh, yeah, Central Park!


Joey: Rachel, Central Perk isn’t a park, it’s a coffeehouse.


Chandler: No, Joey, y’know that big place with a bunch of trees across the street from Central Perk?


Joey: Yeah? (Chandler waits for him to figure it out) Oh, I see. That’s a park. Okay, so which park is that?


Ross: Hey, are any of you guys free tomorrow? Because I’m getting all my stuff back from the robbery and I might need some help moving in again. Any of you comin’?


(A pause.)


Chandler: Um, well, Ross, me and Mon would really love to, but…(thinks for an excuse)


Monica: We need to get our wedding plans underway!


Chandler: That’s right! That sounds believable!


Ross: Okay, what about you guys? (motions towards Rachel, Phoebe and Joey)


Joey: Oh, sorry, I got a date with a hot gymnast in the park at two.


Ross: Well, what about before two?


Joey: Uh, well, you see, uh… Rachel, a little help?


Rachel: We’d be happy too.


Joey: Okay, Rach, I was kinda hoping for something a little bit different than that.


Phoebe: Well, Rachel’s probably just thinking that doing that is the nice and decent thing to do. Y’know, help a friend in need.


Ross: That’s great! Thanks, Rach. (he gets up and goes towards the kitchen)


Phoebe: (to Rachel) Okay, remind me to kick your ass later on!


                                                            OPENING CREDITS


[Scene: Ross’s apartment, boxes are filled in it, Ross, Rachel, Phoebe and Joey are there.]


Ross: (bringing in a box) Well, this is the last one.


Joey: Ah great. Well, I guess that’s it then, see ya Ross.


Phoebe: Yeah, see ya. (they start to leave)


Ross: Wait, whoa, whoa, wait a sec. Aren’t you guys going to help me put stuff away? I could really use the company.


Joey: (fake smile) Of course. I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my Saturday.


Ross: Thanks guys.


Rachel: No problem, Ross.


(Ross goes into the other room with a box.)


Phoebe: Okay, Rachel, you have got to do something!


Rachel: What?


Phoebe: (imitating her) ‘Ross, we’d be happy too’. You got us into this, now you get us out of it!


Joey: I know, really. If he keeps us here for another two hours, I’ll miss my date roller blading with the really hot gymnast in the park. She said she’d wear her spandex.


Rachel: Joey, where did you meet this gymnast?


Joey: At a gym, I was working out. (they both stare at him) Okay, I was hitting on the hot gymnasts at the gym, but still, I don’t want to lose this date after all my hard work.


Rachel: Okay, you guys, I’m sorry. I seriously thought that after I offered he would say, ‘Oh, never mind, you guys don’t have to’.


Phoebe: Oh, really, well I was waiting for him to say that after all of us said ‘no!’.


Rachel: Look, I was just trying to make myself look good.


Phoebe: Oh right, I almost forgot, you’re Rachel!


Joey: Well, you guys, I don’t know what you’re going to do, but I’m gonna make a break for it! (starts to walk out the door)


Ross: (reentering) Hey, Joe, you’re not leaving are you?


Joey: (in the doorway) Uhh… of course not Ross, I was just gonna go pick up lunch for the four of us.


Ross: Ah, see, you girls, now there is a man who’s thinking. (pats him on the shoulder as Rachel and Phoebe look disgusted)


[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica and Chandler are sitting at the coffee table making wedding plans.]


Monica: Okay, so who do you have on the guest list so far?


Chandler: (reading from the list) Uh, Ross, Rachel, Joey, Phoebe, your mom, your dad, my mom. (he puts the list down)


Monica: That’s it? What about our other friends?


Chandler: We have other friends?


Monica: Yeah, y’know, how about your buddies from work?


Chandler: I don’t get along with anyone at work. Oh, except, Leslie, but Leslie still thinks I’m gay. How about friends from the restaurant?


Monica: You know that everyone at the restaurant hates me!


Chandler: You’ve been working there two and a half years and everyone still hates you?


Monica: (shrugs her shoulders) Eh? Okay, how about more relatives. My Aunt Lillian could probably make it.


Chandler: And my Uncle Sylvia.


Monica: Uncle Sylvia?


Chandler: Yeah, no one in my family gets that either.


Monica: Alright, um, who else?


Chandler: Wait a minute, before we, y’know, do the guest lists and stuff, shouldn’t we set, like, a date?


Monica: Hmm, that’s weird, I never even really thought of that. Let’s see, this isn’t really going to be an expensive wedding, but it’s not going to be extremely cheap either. So, it shouldn’t be rushed, but not put off.


Chandler: Okay, how about October.


Monica: Nah, too soon, that’s only a month away.


Chandler: November?


Monica: Perfect.


Chandler: Great. (writes it down) November.


Monica: Okay, let’s forget about the guest list for a second. Let’s talk about what you’re going to wear. I’ve got a surprise for you; my parents dropped it off when they were here two days ago. (she goes towards her room)


Chandler: Really? A tux?


Monica: (from her room) Nope, something even cuter. (she comes out wearing a top hat)


Chandler: Ebenezer Scrooge’s hat?


Monica: No, silly, it’s a Geller tradition, all the men walk down the isle wearing this hat and it brings the marriage good luck.


Chandler: So, what? Am I going to be tap dancing down the isle?


Monica: You hate it?


Chandler: No, of course not. Don’t be silly, I love it. I’m going to try it on right now. (he puts it on)


Monica: Oh, you look so cute.


Chandler: (monotone) Don’t I, though? Okay, tell me, why didn’t Ross wear this at any of his weddings?


Monica: Oh, Ross hated it! He said that he didn’t want to look like a geek. You’ll have no idea the spat he and dad had over it. And y’know, it serves him right, three weddings without the hat and yet he’s still single.


Chandler: (not impressed) So, it’s a magic hat.


[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, and Ross are emptying boxes and putting all of his stuff back.]


Rachel: (picking up a candlestick) Hey, Ross, where does this go?


Ross: Oh, be careful with that, Emily sent me that from England. It’s an antique.


Rachel: So where do you want it?


Ross: I don’t care, just set it on the TV.


Phoebe: (holds up some Playboys) Hey Ross, where do you want these?


(Ross, embarrassed takes them and goes to the other room.)


Rachel: Hey, you guys, isn’t this fun?


Phoebe: Sure Rach, I wouldn’t be having any more fun if you just set my hair on fire!


Joey: I know, Rachel, you’ve got to get us out of this.


Rachel: Okay, you guys, I have apologized over and over and if any of you want to go, just stop being such wussies and tell Ross you’re going!


Ross: (coming back from the other room) Going where?


Rachel: Going, y’know, um, going to buy you a housewarming gift.


Ross: Ah, Rach, that’s sweet. (the others look at her in disgust) It’s okay you guys, you don’t have to get me anything.


Joey: Aw, oh well, looks like I’ll just have to spend my money on food and electricity.


Ross: Does anyone want to go down with me to the locksmith? I changed the locks because of the whole burglary and I need to go copy a new key for Monica.


Joey: Sure, I’ll go with you.


Ross: Thanks.


Rachel: Why did you change the locks? Ross, the burglar’s in jail, he wouldn’t have a key.


Ross: Well, you can never be too sure.


Rachel: Oh, okay, that makes sense.


Ross: Okay, we’ll be right back, you guys.


Joey: Yeah, see ya. (they start to go)


Phoebe: Oh, Ross, do you just want me to stick the rest of these under your bed? (holds up some more Playboys)


(A pause.)


Ross: That’d be good, thanks Pheebs. (they exit)


[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler is eating a sandwich as Monica enters.]


Monica: Hey, honey.


Chandler: Hey Mon. (puts down his sandwich; she kisses him) Y’know Mon, I was thinking, y’know that top hat you gave me to wear?


Monica: Yeah, what about it?


Chandler: Well, I was thinking, how about I… not wear it.


Monica: What? How come?


Chandler: Okay, I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s just that… Oh, how can I say this nicely? That hat is bubble butt ugly!


Monica: (shocked) What?!


Chandler: I’m sorry, it’s just that it’s my wedding too and I don’t want to be seen strolling down the isle looking like Daddy Warbucks!


Monica: Okay, fine. Well then why didn’t you bring any of this up before, huh? A half an hour ago you sat there, tried on the hat and told me that you loved it.


Chandler: Well, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings then.


Monica: What? So, now it’s one o’clock so now you can hurt my feelings?


Chandler: No, I just thought I’d tell you the truth. Does this hurt your feelings? Because if it does I can wear the hat if you want me to wear the hat, I don’t really care. Hell, do you have a cane to go with it?!


Monica: No, you do not have to wear the stupid hat! I just thought you could try some of my family traditions and then maybe I could try some of yours too! (almost in tears, she runs out to the balcony)


Chandler: Honey…(grabs the hat and follows her out to the balcony) Honey?


Monica: (wiping away a tear) What?


Chandler: I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to blow up at you like that, just because of a hat. Maybe I’m just nervous or something and I want everything to be perfect. I’m just not thinking. Honey, if it’s really so important to you, I’ll wear the hat and it won’t be a problem.


Monica: (taking the hat) No, Chandler, I know you can’t stand it and please, you shouldn’t wear it if you can’t stand it.


Chandler: No, come on. Give me the hat! (at this point they’re fighting over the hat) Come on, give it!


Monica: No!


Chandler: Give me the hat!


Monica: No! Chandler! (suddenly it falls out of their hands off the balcony and they both look down at it) Oh my God! Oh, look, it’s okay, it’s just lying in the street, run down and go get it!


Chandler: No, Monica, don’t look now but I don’t think anyone should wear that any time soon.


Monica: (looks down at it) Oh my God! (to somebody down in the street) Stop! Don’t go any further you stupid street cleaner guy! (we hear a honk and Monica flinches at the sight of what’s left of the hat)


Chandler: Look Monica, now there’s two of them and we’ll match.


[Scene: The Locksmith, Ross and Joey are waiting in line, Joey is reading a newspaper.]


Joey: (looking at the paper) Wow!


Ross: What?


Joey: Can you believe how far the crime rate has gone down in this city?


Ross: (looking) Joey, those are stocks.


Joey: Ohhh! Well, there goes the Soy District.


Clerk (who just happens to be an attractive woman): Uh, excuse me, next?


Ross: Oh, yeah, hi, I would like to get this key copied.


Clerk: Sure, how many?


Ross: Two. (she walks away)


Joey: (to Ross) Hey, Ross.


Ross: Yeah, what?


Joey: Dude, did you not see that hot clerk at all?


Ross: What?


Joey: C’mon, man, you’re single and she’s… hot! Don’t you no math?!


Ross: Oh, come on Joey, that’s crazy, she probably wouldn’t go out with me. I mean, if she’s so hot, why would she be single?


Joey: Tons of reasons!! Maybe she’s waiting for a guy just like you! What d’ya think?


Ross: (thinks) No.


Joey: Oh thank God! Here I go. (starts to go up to her)


Ross: What? Man, what are you doing?


Joey: Well, since you don’t seem to be interested in her I think it’s time we crank the Joey Charm up a notch.


Ross: What about your big date with that hot gymnast.


Joey: Well, yeah, I like her… but she doesn’t look like that. (points at the clerk) Again, it’s the math. (Ross sighs, but Joey continues towards her on the other side of the counter; to the clerk) Hey… how you doin’?


Clerk: (not flattered) Excuse me?


Joey: The name’s Joey. What’d you say we go out and get a drink sometime, just you and me, huh?


Clerk: Well,, uh, isn’t that pretty forward of you?


Joey: Well, that’s just the kind of guy I am, baby doll. (winks at her, while Ross stands behind him, disgusted)


Clerk: (returning his flirting) Well, I don’t know if I’m really that interested, but do you think you could do me a favor, sweet cakes?


Joey: Anything, you name it.


Clerk: Do you think you and your friend there…(Ross waves at her)…do you think you two could help me move a big box in the storage closet. It’s really heavy.


Joey: Sure. (to Ross) C’mon Ross.


Ross: I don’t know, man.


Joey: C’mon, Ross, she’s leading us on. Let’s be lead.


(The two of them follow her and they walk inside the storage closet, which is about the size of an elevator.)


Joey: Okay, now where’s that big box givin’ you trouble? (suddenly the door closes behind the two of them and it locks) What? (they both run to the door, but it’s locked)


Ross: Hey, what’s going on?!


Clerk: (from outside the door) You can just stay in there you sexist pigs!


Joey: Dude, what are you talking about?!


Clerk: You, treating me like a slab of beef!


Ross: But I had nothing to do with that! Please, let me out!


Clerk: Nope, sorry, pigs stick together. Have a nice night you guys. Watch out for rats.


(They gasp as they hear her leave.)


Joey: I can’t believe this! I did the math!!


                                                            COMMERCIAL BREAK


[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler is there reading a magazine when Monica returns.]


Chandler: So, how bad is it? (Monica holds up the top hat, which is now flat, and in shreds) Well, it’s not that bad, now we can just use the hat as a mop.


Monica: Well, I hope your happy Chandler. You destroyed my Grandfather’s top hat!


Chandler: What?! You destroyed it just as much as I did! It was an accident.


Monica: Oh, you are not going to share the blame with me?!


Chandler: Well, yeah, I kinda am!


Monica: If you would’ve just worn the hat, this whole thing would have never happened!


Chandler: I thought you said I wouldn’t have to wear that!


Monica: Yeah, but as my fiancée, why wouldn’t you have wanted to?


Chandler: Because it was a stupid looking hat and I would’ve looked like dork walking down the isle with it on!


Monica: Oh, so you don’t look like a dork wearing it now? (puts the shreds of the top hat on his head)


Chandler: (looking in the mirror) Y’know what, it actually does kinda look better.


Monica: (gasps) So, pretty much since you’re calling the hat stupid, you might as well be calling my family stupid!


Chandler: I would never do that! (pause) But, now that you mention it…


Monica: So, you’re calling my family stupid!


Chandler: Well no, of course not! (imitating her mother) ‘Oh please dear for God sakes, why don’t you just get married?’ ‘What? You’re marrying him? Why on Earth would you do a thing like that without consulting me first?’


Monica: Oh, like you’re family’s perfect. (imitating someone) ‘Hey, little Billy, wanna come home with Mommy tonight?’ Oh, and your mom’s pretty screwed up too!


[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are still there unpacking Ross’s things.]


Phoebe: (picking up some bongos) What the hell are these?


Rachel: Oh, yeah. Those are bongos, I bought Ross those at this funky little import store in the Village.


Phoebe: Why?


Rachel: (thinking) I don’t know.


Phoebe: Oh, hey! (starts playing them) Babalu!!!! (she accidentally drops them and they break) Oops!


Rachel: Oh it’s okay, he probably never uses them. Just throw them in the corner somewhere.


Phoebe: Oh, okay. (she does so)


Rachel: Hey, what’s this? (takes out a little book from one of the boxes)


Phoebe: Beats me, look inside.


Rachel: (opens it and reads) ‘This diary belongs to: Ross Geller.’ Oh my God! He keeps a diary!


Phoebe: Eww! He’s a grown man and keeps a diary, there’s got to be a cry for help in their someplace.


Rachel: I’d say a scream. Well, I guess we should just put this in his bedroom or something.


Phoebe: What? Are you crazy?! Open it up; I wanna see what he wrote!


Rachel: No, Pheebs, I don’t think we should, it could be very personal stuff he doesn’t wanna share with anyone. (Phoebe stares at her) I’m just kidding, let’s read! (they both cuddle in close and start reading) ‘December 8, 1988, Dear Diary: Hey, today I asked out Linda Ashton. She’s one keen chick, but for some reason just wants to be friends after I played her Intergalactic Love Room on my keyboards. She is so jealous!’


Phoebe: Now you’d think after twelve years he would get it, but I think back then it was already too late for him


[Scene: The storage closet, Ross and Joey are still in there, Ross is shouting for help, while Joey sits on a crate.]


Ross: Help!! Somebody!! We’re locked in here!!! HELP!!!!!


Joey: Ross! Could you please shut up for a sec, you’re giving me a headache.


Ross: Y’know what? I don’t care because you’re the one who got us into this mess.


Joey: What?


Ross: I knew it! I knew that someday your uncontrollable charm would get us into trouble!


Joey: Well, I still don’t get it because I did nothing different than what I usually do when I hit on a woman.


Ross: Well, for one, you failed to notice the ring on her finger!


Joey: She was wearing a ring?


Ross: Yeah.


Joey: Oh, I guess I must have been looking someplace else than. Why didn’t you tell me she was wearing a ring?!


Ross: Would it have made any difference?


Joey: (thinks) No, it actually probably wouldn’t have.


Ross: Well, I hope we’ll get out of here soon, because I can get claustrophobic.


Joey: It’s okay Ross, it’s not gonna get too dark in here, she left the lights on.


Ross: No, it means I’m afraid of closed in places!


Joey: Oh. Well, it’s okay Ross, if you get scared, you’re buddy will be with you here the whole time.


Ross: (pause) Help!! Help!!!


[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica is lying on the couch reading when Chandler enters, carrying a gift.]


Chandler: Hey honey, how ya doin’?


Monica: Well, probably a lot better than your favorite sweater vest lying in the road downstairs.


Chandler: Oh Mon…. You’re kidding, right?


Monica: Yes, it’s on the floor where it always is.


Chandler: (grabbing his chest) Thank God. Hey, honey, I got something for you. (puts the gift down in front of her)


Monica: What? Pieces of my new wedding dress?


Chandler: Oh, come on hon, open it, open it.


Monica: Fine, I don’t want to look at you right now, but I’ll accept presents. (she opens it to find a veil sitting inside and she takes it out) Oh my God.


Chandler: Isn’t it beautiful?


Monica: You’re going to expect me to wear this during the ceremony? Do you know how stupid this would look with my mother’s dress?


Chandler: What?! Come on Mon, I thought that you’d…


Monica: Gotcha!


Chandler: What? You mean you really like it.


Monica: Oh, I love it! Sweetie, it’s beautiful. (she kisses him)


Chandler: Now I thought you could wear that and I could buy a new top hat so that we’d…


Monica: (interrupting) Hon, you don’t need a top hat! I just want you!


Chandler: Really?


Monica: Yes.


Chandler: (sighs of relief) Oh thank God. I’m sorry Monica, although top hats may be well and good for some people, it’s not really my style.


Monica: Yeah, I understand, you did look kind of goofy in it anyway.


Chandler: Okay, I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.


Monica: Me too.


Chandler: So, do you wanna try on your new veil?


Monica: How about I try on just the veil?


Chandler: Okay. Now, come on, let’s make the priest the only virgin at that wedding!


Monica: Okay! (she grabs the veil and they run to their room)


[Scene: Ross’s apartment, Rachel and Phoebe are still reading Ross’s diary.]


Rachel: (reading out loud) Dear Diary: I don’t know what to think, but I’ve discovered something weird on my butt. (they both start laughing) I don’t know if it’s a pimple or a mole, but whatever it is, it sure is itchy. (they both laugh hysterically)


Phoebe: Oh my God! I’ve got to remember that one! Oh, geeze, hey read another one.


Rachel: Sure. (she starts flipping through the pages) Ooh, hey, February 16, 1997.


Phoebe: Hey, isn’t that the night after you two broke up.


Rachel: Yeah, it is. (starts reading, her reading gets slower as it goes on) February 16, 1997, Dear Diary: Last night was no doubt the worst night of my life. I was up all night at Rachel’s trying to convince her to take me back after the horrible thing I had done, but it didn’t work. It’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep because the only thing I can think of is the empty spot next to me. I miss her and know that the one shot I had at true happiness with my soul mate on this Earth I lost because I was stupid enough to actually sleep with another woman. I’m sure that there’s no day in the future where I will not regret having slept with her. I want Rachel back, but I can’t have her because she’ll never ever won’t to have me. I no longer know how I am supposed to go on after knowing that the one woman that I was meant to be with can’t even look at me. (Rachel looks up, obviously affected by this passage)


Phoebe: Are you okay?


Rachel: Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, I’ll be fine. Really, I’m okay.


(Joey and Ross enter and Rachel throws the diary quickly back into the box.)


Joey: Hey guys.


Phoebe: Hey, where have you two been all this time?


Ross: Oh, we got locked in the storage room because somebody thought it would be a good idea to get an extra date for this afternoon.


Joey: Well, hey, I’m not the only stupid one here. It took just as long for you as it did for me to notice that the key was hanging on a hook by the door the whole time.


Ross: So, did you guys unpack everything?


Rachel: Oh, yeah, everything except this box right here. (points to box with the diary in it) But I guess you can handle that.


Phoebe: Yeah, I’ve got to be off. I’ll see you guys.


Ross: Bye Pheebs. Thanks again.


Joey: Bye. (she leaves)


Ross: I guess you can get out of here too Rachel. Thanks for your help.


Rachel: No problem. (they stand looking at each other for a little while and then she embraces him really tight, but eventually lets go)


Ross: What was that for?


Rachel: Nothing, just for being you. Bye guys. (leaves)


Joey: Bye Rach.


(Ross watches her walk out, but then notices something in the corner)


Ross: Did somebody break my bongos?


                                                            CLOSING CREDITS


[Scene: The Locksmith, the clerk is sitting at the counter as Joey enters.]


Clerk: Oh, hey it’s you. What do you want?


Joey: Well, I guess I just wanted to apologize to you for yesterday. You see, I really didn’t notice that you were married and I just wanted to tell you that I’m not a big sexist egotistical jerk, okay?


Clerk: Fair enough.


Joey: Okay, well, I really didn’t understand why you blew up at me like that at me the other day, but it’s okay.


Clerk: It is?


Joey: Yeah, you should see my mom, when she’s on her period. Man, she just explodes! (the clerk is shocked) So I thought I’d try it again, okay? So, how you doin’? (she slaps him hard on his cheek and walks away) Yeah, alright, fair enough, I’ll see you tomorrow than. (he leaves)