The One In The Plane

Written By: Regis Philibert


[Scene: Monica & Rachel’s, Chandler is breakfasting as Joey is doing crossword on the table. Monica is in pyjama watching TV. Rachel is getting ready for going to work.]

Joey: Ok, second president of the United States, in two letters.

Chandler: (surprised): What !?

Joey: Oh, this is an initials crossword. You know, they can’t waste too much room for the games in this paper.

Chandler: Yeah, we need more text to wrap vegetables peelings. (Joey fake he’s thinking for a few seconds and then turns to chandler, trying to keep the thinking behavior.) John Adams.

Joey: (snapping his fingers) Yeah ! Ok, in the ABC we’re 20, 23 and 1. What the hell does that mean? (he fakes he’s thinking).

Chandler: Ok, maybe it’s twentieth, twenty-third and first.

Joey: (snapping his fingers) Yeah ! (he fakes he’s thinking again.)

Chandler: Maybe these are their rank in the ABC. (he taps Joey’s shoulder) Think about it.

(Joey starts to count on his fingers as Ross enters)

Chandler: Hey

Rachel: Hi

Monica: (sad) Heeeeey....

Ross: Hey ! What-what’s wrong with Mon ?

Rachel: (whispering) You know she’s still in her I-have-no-work-I’m-a-parasite-of-the-society phase.

Monica: What did you say?

Rachel: What I’ve just said to Chandler when he came in

Monica: Oh...

Ross: Anyway I have very good news for each one of you, especially for our little despaired Monica. (nobody notices) Hey I said I got good news.

Rachel: (ironic) Oh, yeah and I’m so happy for this little pterodactyl who’ve just found back his bone.

Ross: No, no, no, no... You can laugh, but this is good news.

Monica: (yelling, upset) THEN TELL IT!

Ross: (surprised) Okay. You know this paleontologist convention I told you about the other day.

Rachel: Can I laugh now?

Ross: Let me finish. It happens that three "fellow" workers can’t come. And so I got three extra tickets for "Paaariiis" (he looks at Rachel, waiting for apologizes)

Rachel: Ok, I’m sorry.

Chandler: (counting on his fingers) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Oh, six yeah (upset) We’re six !

Joey: (to Chandler) Oh, man you made me loose the thread! (He starts his counting all over again.)

Ross: ( to chandler) I thought that people like you or Rachel... could afford the trip whereas...

Monica: Stop it.

Ross: And Plus! I think you can all take a break of your work. Can’t you? Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah I got a full week left to take so, It’s Okay.

Ross: Chandler?

Chandler: Well I got this huge report to type for next week.

Ross: Come on you’ll do that in the plane. Joey?

(Joey doesn’t even notice the question he’s still concentrating on his counting stuff.)

Chandler: I think it's all right.

Ross: Monica?

Monica: Stop it Ross! Oh by-by the way by Paris you didn’t mean Maine uh...

Rachel: Oh, Com on Mon (amused by the rime) he... You’re not gonna get back to your little flying fear.

Monica: (stands up) Little flying fear ? What you call little flying fear, I call it disease. You have not ten gallons of sweat flowing out of your body when you got a little flying fear. (louder) You don’t want to open the door of the plane and jump out when you got a little flying fear. (louder) You don’t stick your head on your laps with your hand over like your were crashing for five hours when you got a little flying fear. (yelling and crying) You don’t check at you’re pants every minutes to be sure your didn’t piss ‘caus you just can’t feel your members anymore when you got a little flying fear. (screaming and crying like ever) YOU DON’T... (Rachel rushes to her and slaps her with a confused face.)

Ross: Thank you I though I would have to do that again.

(Joey finishes his count and write down the answer before sharing his joy with all the gang.)

Joey: T.W.A!

(They all glare at him as Monica falls back in a fit of hysterics.


[Scene: The plane, everybody is settling. Chandler's seat is near the window beside Joey. Ross, Rachel and Monica's seat are the three sieges in the middle of the plane, at the same line as Chandler and Joey. Phoebe’s missing. Monica is in the bathroom.]

Chandler: Ok, here's my seat. Oh, it's an economic seat.

Ross: Ok, stop bothering us with that.

Chandler: It's just that I could be in first class, y'know if all my friends reminds me everyday that I'm Richard Bronson. Then I should just do what he does. I'm so rich!

Rachel: Come on Chandler, you can afford the trip right? You are richer than us. And beside we all got to be together, you're not gonna get there alone. With all this luxury, you would sure just look like a billionaire, preferring his job to his family. And travelling all the year.

Chandler: I could be that, just have to find more money and... Ok, you're right I should not act like that this, this is so selfish. But I'm just a bit nervous about... (he thinks) Phoebe?

Rachel: Yeah, she’s still not here. (chandler sits back and sight, relieved that everybody's moving on.) Where can she be. She loves France so much. Did you tell her?

Ross: I think so.

Rachel: Oh, you know it happens...

Ross: (interrupting) Not after answering "Yes" five times at the same question. That doesn’t happen. For the last time: Yes I have told her!

(Monica enters through the curtain.)

Rachel: (to Monica) All right sweetie?

Monica: I don’t know, it’s far.

Ross: Oh, three thousand miles with us is...

Monica: (interrupting) The bathroom, Ross!

Joey: Oh, ‘cause you... Too.

(Monica sat and put her head on her laps, like for an emergency landing.)

Chandler: (to Joey) Ok, I hope they got a good movie for us ‘cause I’m not gonna sleep.

(Joey turns away and ignores him)

Chandler: You’ll got the window for the return OK. (Joey doesn't look satisfied.) Ok, I should be traveling on Virgin ways more than you.

[Scene: The plane, the boarding door, Phoebe arrives with her guitar.]

Phoebe: (to the Stewardess) Sorry I’m late.

Stewardess#1: (ironical) Oh, it’s alright, I won’t yell at you anyway. I’d be blamed. (noticing the guitar she smiles) Oh, you got a.... Oh, that’s great you are an entertainer.

Phoebe: Actually I sing sometime as a pastime but-but I’m a masseuse.

Stewardess#1: (careless) Yeah. So could you give the crew a big favor?

Phoebe: (disappointed by her behavior) Well if they’re all like you...

Stewardess#1: (interrupting) We have a lot of kids in first class and we definitely have to entertain’em. If you do that... you got a free first class trip.

Phoebe: Wow, that’s... but I have to tell my friends before. They’re in economic.

Stewardess#1: Yeah, yeah, they already know.

Phoebe: Oh, yes, but how could...

Stewardess#1: (interrupting) This way please.

[Scene: Economic class, all the gang is there. Excepting Phoebe of course.]

Loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, the flight UA1245 is about to begin as we’re about to take off. All the crew of this flight is there to please you and fulfill your request and bring you satisfaction. You’re asked to fasten your seat belts. Have a nice taking off and see you after it.

(Monica sits up and look at Rachel in a fear look, before going back to her safety position.)

Rachel: (to Monica) Hold on honey. Ross, she’s still not here and the plane's about to take off.

Ross: I told her.

Rachel: I know that. It’s just that she missed the plane. And we’re going to Paris without Phoebe. You got to give her a call, OK.

Ross: But why me?

Rachel: You fixed up all the trip.

Ross: (standing) Ok.

Stewardess#1: Sir I’m sorry, we’re about to take off. Sit back and fasten your belt.

Ross: Ok, I just have to give a call...

Stewardess#1: (angrily) Sir, you sit back and fasten your belt. In a few seconds your safety will depend on us, so , just do what we tell you to do.

Ross: (amazed) Ok (sits back and turns to Rachel) What does she think she is... A hijacker!

(Rachel approves with nodding as we hear the stewardess yelling in the back)

Stewardess#1: Hey old one, I said nobody moves!

(Another Stewardess comes to the center of the plane near Chandler and Joey to make the safety demonstration. All along the stuff, Joey listen carefully making Chandler shut up when he talks. Monica also listens carefully, checking if every items mentioned are in place. The stewardess then finishes.)

Monica: Done already. That’s all, there is 500 people aboard this plane and it just takes 2 minutes to warn them about the risks. You, airlines, just don’t pay enough. Everybody should sew you. I’ll make you...(Rachel slaps her.)

Ross: Thanks again.

(The Stewardess leaves confused)

Joey: (to the stewardess, giving her a thumb) Nice show.

Stewardess#2: (trying to smile but still upset about the Monica incident) Thank you.

Chandler: (giving a thumb to Joey) Nice bid!

(the plane takes off, Monica is sat back in her siege, as Rachel gives her a wallet to bite.)

Joey: She’s cute, looks gentle and is some sort of an actress, just like me.

(the plane starts take off)

Chandler: (louder to cover the sound of the engines) Then go for it.

Joey: (shouting)Yes I will.

Chandler: (shouting)But wait for the end of the taking off, the other stewardess will be more relax.

(the engine sound decreases till silence as the plane sores.)

Joey: (still shouting) THE HELL WITH THE STEWARDESS MAN!

(Stewardess#1, glares at him as she comes back at the center of the plane. Stewardess#2 looks disappointed, so does Joey.)

Chandler: Uh... Maybe she's acting.

[Scene: Still in the second class, everybody is very worried about Phoebe. Joey’s not there. Ross enters.]

Rachel: So?

Ross: Nope, no one at her place. I tell you she did go to the airport and missed it.

Rachel: Did she mention the trip on her machine.

Ross: She has no answering machine. (She glares at him) Well, now she has? (he stands up and goes to the phone)

(cut to Chandler reading a magazine as the Stewardess#1 comes to him)

Stewardess#1: Here you are. (she puts on his table his meal and leaves)

Chandler: Oops-oops, looks like you forgot someone.

Stewardess#1: (doing him) Oops-oops, looks like you forgot your adult voice.

Chandler: (surprised) Sorry... but you should have another meal for my friend.

(she violently drop another meal from her cart and leaves. Chandler is still amazed by her behavior.)

[Scene: The phone cabin, Ross is in and dials Phoebe’s right number.

Machine: Hey, Phoebe speaking, hello...

Ross: Hey Pheebs where are...

Machine: (interrupting) Joking he-he I’m not there, you’re just talking to my answering machine. Just talk after the tone.

Ross: Ah.. Pheebs, even though I’m really amused by your machine message, I just find that you’re not there. Anyway call us at the hotel, you got the number. Bye. (hangs up)

(as he leaves the cabin, he hears a strange music coming from first class, and goes toward it)

[Scene: Second class, Joey comes back, and start eating]

Chandler: So?

Joey: Spice and hot.

Chandler: No?

Joey: Yeah, I don’t know how much pepper they put...

Chandler: (interrupting) The girl!

Joey: Oh, I apologized for the "taking off incident" and she took that pretty well, so she must offer me a coffee.

(chandler doesn’t understand, but see clear when Stewardess#2 comes and puts a coffee on Joey’s table)

Stewardess#2: Here you are, sir. (to chandler) D’you want some sir?

Chandler: Yes, if it’s... (staring at Joey, ironically) Free. (he takes it and tough)

Joey: Hey what’s the matter.

Chandler: Nothing just this old bragger who thinks he has to smoke a one mile cigar to look good. I-I’m quitting you know.

Joey: But you were quitting last year.

Chandler: Well I’m still.

Joey: Anyway it’s forbidden to smoke in here. I’m gonna call.

(he snaps his finger as in a restaurant and stops confused when he sees Chandler using the Stewardess button. Stewardess#2 comes to them.)

Stewardess#2: What can I do for you.

Joey: Nothing! Just... Uh... wanting to check if you were alright. (Chandler glares at him)

Stewardess#2: Oh, I'm fine... And... It’s my break anyway so...

Joey: Oh, Ok, It's mine too. (laugh of his non-funny joke) We could... talk.

Stewardess: Yeah, sure, this way.(she points the crew rest room)

(Joey stands up leaving Chandler toughing angrily. Stewardess#2 arrives near Chandler. Afraid, he hides himself behind a magazine.)

Stewardess#2: You called?

Chandler: Oh, yeah?

[Scene: Ross is in a corridor pulling the first class curtain. We see Phoebe in the back of the room singing for all the first class people.]

(Everybody enjoys the music, kids even clap along the song. Ross mouths "Phoebe?"

Phoebe: (singing) The Stewardess smiled when you entered

Clouds say "Hi" to passenger

You’re so happy to fly

Your parents didn’t lie

Your the happiest little ones in the sky


[Scene: Same scene as earlier, Phoebe finishes her song.]

(every parents is covering their children’s ears as all the Stewardess bubbles are blinking.)

Phoebe: Taking away from your country.

Up in the sky you just can’t see.

You’re so happy to find that you’re not sick.

But you’re trapped in an air-conditioned Titanic.

Stewardess#2: (interrupting the song, applauding) Thank you, thank you.

Phoebe: Oh, already. Ok, I’ve had almost finished anyway. Are you sure you don’t want me to go on. There is five hours left you know.

(a kid in tear is hugging the Stewardess’ leg)

Stewardess#1: (angrily) I know that. (she leaves dragging the kid)

Ross: (joining Phoebe as she leaves) Hey.

Phoebe: Hey, sorry I couldn’t see you guys. Everybody’s alright?

Ross: Pheebs, we thought you were still at the airport, that-that you had missed your plane.

Phoebe: Well, NO. I mean I was so exited by this trip. How could I have forget?

Ross: That's what I told Rachel but y'know, she never trusts me. Ok, we're over there.

Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry Ross, I'm in first class. They gave me a free ticket to please the kids.

Ross: Ok, then you're not travelling with us

Phoebe: No, Ross, I'm sorry, I feel a bit guilty... uh.. Oh. Eh. I know what I'm gonna do.

Ross: What?

Phoebe: I'm gonna use my first class situation to... make the trip better for you.

Ross: Oh, well, it's you're call. I'm gonna tell the guys you're here.

Phoebe: Ok, bye.

(a mother trying to calm her kid voluntary throws a plastic bottle of water on her.)

Phoebe: Ooh! I'm feeling like a real rock star now.

[Scene: Economic, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are there.]

Chandler: (to Rachel) Do you think I should wear a beard.

Rachel: What.

Chandler: To better look like him.

Rachel: Who. (Chandler is surprised she doesn't get.) Bronson? Oh, come on Chandler.

Chandler: What, after you told me...

Rachel: (interrupting) Ok, Chan, we might say that you were rich, and even compared you to billionaire, but we never mention you looked like Richard Bronson. You built that by your own.

Chandler: (gaze sadly through the window) This is the rich men sorrow.

(Ross passes trough the curtain)

Ross: Ok, good news everybody. Phoebe didn't miss the plane she's right in it, in first class.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Yeah, I don't really understand but I think she must be entertaining the kids with her guitar, and travel in first in return.

Rachel: Whoa! So good for her. She's so lucky.

Chandler: What! And what about the we-all-got-to-be-together-chandler thing. You're not mad at her. She's there enjoying her billionaire meal, with the Champaign and all.

Rachel: Y'know if you want to look like him you'll have to be a bit less self centered.

Chandler: Too late you busted my dream.

[Scene: First class, Phoebe is reading the plane magazine with an uptown girls attitude as a stewardess comes to her.]

Stewardess: Miss, would you desire something to drink?

Phoebe: Yeah, what d'you got?

Stewardess: Oh, everything, Uhm... Champaign?

Phoebe: Oh, nope. This word doesn't really match with my means.

Stewardess: (surprised) But miss, the drinks are all free.

Phoebe: Oh, looks like we're going to France uh..? Ok then why not. (she's served) (doing like an uptown girl again) Oh, and could you get five more glasses to my friends in economic. It's my round.

Stewardess: (embarrassed) Sorry... we-we don't do that.

Phoebe: And why may I ask?

Stewardess: Because...

Phoebe: (interrupting) What. I mean If I were about to drink five glasses of Champaign for the rest of the trip you would bring 'em to me, right?

Stewardess: Oh, of course you're in first class.

Phoebe: Then let's say that I won't drink more of it, and that you're gonna bring my five extra drinks to my five friends in economic.

Stewardess: Well I guess...

Phoebe: Then just dot it sweetheart.

[Scene: Economic class, the rest of the gang except Joey is being served of Champaign.]

Rachel: Well thank you.

Ross: Yeah, Channy you definitely look like him with the glass of Champaign. (Chandler ironically rises his glass)

Monica: What-what's that for? Are we all going to...

Rachel: (interrupting) Oh, shut up and get drunk!

Ross: (to the stewardess) Don't forget to thank Phoebe.

Stewardess: Believe me I will.

(cut to the restroom, Joey and Stewardess#2 are kissing. An angry old woman opens the curtain and breaks the kiss)

The Angry Old Woman: Hey you, why do those folks got Champaign.

Stewardess#2: What? (looks at the gang drinking their Champaign) I-I don't know.

The Angry Old Woman: Then fix it! Think we deserve it too.

Stewardess#2: Oh, Joey, I'm sorry, see ya later.

(she follows the old woman as Joey gains back his seat.)

Chandler: So?

Joey: Well y'know those extra service they got on Virgin Atlantic. I think they got it on United too.

Chandler: So you don't ask about me.

Joey: What, you pulled a Stewardess too? Oh yeah, (he points the Champaign) And I see yours offered you more than coffee.

Chandler: No, that's not that at all. She just has been so mean.

Joey: What, but... The one you called for the smoke?

Chandler: Yeah! She just explained that she got priority and that she didn't get the time to take care of the little problems of the stupid selfish customers. Like me I guess.

Joey: Whoa man. That's weird, because mine's so pretty and cute. And I think that's gonna work out y'know... (Chandler toughs loudly covering the voice of Joey) Oh, man, do you mind that so much.

Chandler: No! It's just that I don't care of what you say!

[Later in economic as the sun is setting, all passengers are now enjoying their Champaign. Joey is missing again.]

(The one mile cigar smoking man calls Stewardess#1 and points chandler to her, who's working on his computer. Chandler notices it and starts to wonder what they want. The stewardess walks toward him.)

Stewardess#1: Sir.

Chandler: (toughs loudly looking in the direction of the one mile cigar smoking man) What?

Stewardess#1: I'm sorry sir, it's strictly forbidden to use electronic equipment like phones or computers aboard the plane. (surprised) I though you would know that.

Chandler: What! Are you reproaching me to use my computer. I thought you didn't care about the little stupid selfish people problems. That you got other priorities and all. You know what , I'm gonna tell you something. (he stands up but remains bent finding out the ceiling is too low) You are the worst stewardess I've ever seen. You are mean, you are grumpy, authoritarian and... Ugly. (the stewardess looks very saddened by the speech) You don't like your job, and damn!, made us pay for that!

I just hate you so much that I love thinking you're just a poor stewardess.

(Stewardess#1 gets on her knees, covers her face and cries.)

Stewardess#1: (crying)You have no idea of what is the job. I got to.. to... (mumbles something) all the day and... the kids and beside there is no more Champaign (she fell in tears louder.)

(Stewardess#2 arrives followed by Joey)

Stewardess#2: Rosi what happened? Why are you crying. (Stewardess#1 points Chandler) What? Did he make you cry? (to Chandler still standing) How could you, you stupid selfish customer!

(Everybody in the plane glares at him with a despising look)

Chandler: I just... Come on she's horrible, I just did what each one of us wanted to do. I was fed with her. We all were.

Stewardess#2: She's not horrible!

Chandler: What!? Joey?

Joey: (noticing Stewardess#2's interrogative look) I... I didn't find the girl that horrible... I mean...

Stewardess#2: She has some psychologically problems OK! Joey I can believe this is your friend, you disappoints me so much. Ah... Now she can't wok anymore. (she leaves)

Monica: (rushes out of her seat and grapes Chandler's shirt.) What, you stupid moron, she's out of order now. Can't you understand we need 'em. Are you crazy, d'you want us to die, we just...

(Chandler slaps her. All passengers stay stunned, increasing the fear in their look against him)

Chandler: Ok, maybe it was not the right time to do that.

[Scene: Still in the Economic, later. Everybody is there. Monica is under a blanket chilling, as Rachel tries to appease her. Joey is mad at Chandler who has just made him loose a possible date]

Chandler: Are you gonna avoid me all along the rest of the trip?

Joey: I can't I'm beside you! Smelling the smell of the mean man.

Chandler: What... But Joey, she was horrible, you know that!

Joey: And then! You just had to carry on and... Not make her cry.

Chandler: Oh, come on! How could I know such a bad girl would cry so easily. Pff, beside she was a sissy.

(he wants Joey to approve him, but Joey ignores him)

Chandler: (louder) So you're really gonna avoid my look till the end of it.

All Passengers: YES!

(cut to the loudspeaker)

(The following scene is a close shot of the loudspeaker. We only hear the voices of the characters)

Loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen we have just been informed about a little weather trouble above Paris that would trouble our trip.

(sound of a slap)

Ross: Thanks.

Loudspeaker: This will force us to change our destination from Paris to Lyons.

Joey: Jesus! They got their own town? Men! This club's getting ways too much powerful. I'm telling you.

Loudspeaker: The whole crew of this flight wants to apologize about it and still hopes you have spent a pleasant trip with them on United Airlines. (pause) (angry) Seeing all the Champaign you fueled... (the loudspeaker is turned off.)

(End of the close shot)

Ross: What? But I definitely got to go to Paris. I don't think they got a paleontologist convention there.

Rachel: Oh, those people don't know how to have fun.

Ross: What am I gonna do?

Chandler: Don't worry they will offer us a bus ticket. They have to.

Joey: Oh, too bad, you won't have any stewardess to destroy the life.

Chandler: She was horrible!

Joey: I was talking about mine. Men, you made her loose Joey.


[Scene: Economic, everybody is now leaving the plane. Monica is getting out of her fear as she rises her head out of her laps. Chandler and Joey are taking their luggage out of the ceiling cupboard. The one mile cigar smoking man passes and pushes Chandler who falls down his seat. The one mile cigar smoking man leaves laughing.]

Chandler: (rising back) I hate those kind of guys y'know. The kind of dude who always win.


Joey: Yeah you're right we got to do some... Oh look (points a box on a seat) He forgot his cigars.

Chandler: And then what d'you want us to do.

Joey: Pfff. I don't know.... Stealing them?

Chandler: Oh I don't know...

Joey: Come on this is a damn always winning dude. Let's make him loose.

Chandler: Oh, Yeaaaah! (he goes to seat an take the box) Ladies and gentlemen. It's my round.

(all passenger comes to him, all expressing how much he's a nice one.)