The One In the Cafe That Never Sleeps

Written by: Toni Adams

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros.  Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

Hello once again! You enjoying my fanfics so far? I like this one, I'm quite proud of it cause it took ages to write! So here you go:


Scene: M&R's all are there except Phoebe, but Emily is there too. They're all eating in the kitchen. Phoebe walks in.

Phoe: hey guess what!

Chan: Aliens have landed and taken over Central Perk!

Phoe: Ohh! So close... (Chandler looks confused) No, Central Perk is having a two day lock in for charity. Anyone wanna do it?

All: yeah why not/ worth a go/ sure

Phoe: Oh good, good! I'll go tell Gunther (goes to walk out)

Joey: Cool, this charity thing doesn't sound too hard (Phoebe stops dead)

Phoe: Oh! One catch...

Mon: What? the aliens did take over?

Chan: Hey! That's my joke...

Phoe: No aliens, but you have to stay awake through out the whole forty eight hours. Okay! I'm gonna go tell Gunther! (walks out despite protests)

Opening Credits

Scene: Central Perk. Several people are there around. Tables and chairs have been moved to the sides so there's a space in the middle. The sofa and the couch have been moved up to the raised area. the guys and Emily walk in

Ross: How did we get roped in to this?

Em: Oh Come on Ross, it's charity! give a little. So how much did you guys raise?

Mon: Just over a hundred. (they al sit down at the sofa and couch)

Joey: fifty something... (he goes back out of the Perk)

Rach: about one thousand (they all turn and look at her)

All: (slowly) um what?/ excuse me?

Ross: How did you raise so much?

Phoe: do you have friends we don't know about?

Rach: No! Just some people at work (Monica glares at her) and a few bribes...

(Joey walks in with a new bag)

Em: Why did you bribe them? It's not like it's a competition to get most sponsor money

Rach: Well this charity's a little close to home... My cousin had cancer, and she's okay now, thanks to this charity

All: Awww/ I see (Monica hugs her. Joey empty's his bag)

Mon: Watcha got there Joe?

Joey: (Rolls out what looks like a sleeping bag) Stuff (unrolled, what looked like a sleeping bag actually turns out to be a sleeping bag)

Chan: You do know that you don't sleep at a wake over don't you Joey?

Joey: I know

Rach: So whats with the sleeping bag?

Joey: (knowingly) To sleep in! Duh! (Rachel turns to Chandler as if to say, "What?! How the hell did you put up with him for five years?")

Chan: (reasurringly to Rachel) Give it time, it'll come

(They wait a few seconds until it hits Joey that he has to stay awake for two days)

Joey: Oooh! (double takes) Aww man!

Time Lapse: The guys are sitting around doing nothing, except Joey who's somewhere else

Mon: Ugh! I'm so bored.

Phoe: I'm so tired!

Ross: (Checks his watch) It's only seven in the evening!

Em: Looks like Joey's enjoying himself...

(Cut to: Joey in the main area talking to a table of girls. Cut back to the group)

Chan: Well I've got a way of making this more interesting. Telling ghost stories.

Mon: Oh God no!

Rach: Yeah I swear Chandler, if I hear another one of your ghost stories I will scream the place down!

Chan: Which is the whole point of the stories

R/E/P: (unsure) What?

Mon: Chandler tells the most scariest ghost stories ever. (Ross doesn't beleive them and laughs)

Rach: (To Ross) It's true! He stayed over a couple of weeks ago, when there was a black out, he told us some ghost stories, and basically scared the crap out of us!

Chan: Which is why I don't get invited over anymore...

Em: Oh come on! They're only ghost stories. They can't hurt!

Ross: (smirking) yeah! And anyway, mine are better and way scarier!

Rach: (in total disagreement) No! No way!

Phoe: (pacifistic) No, I've heard some of Ross' and they're really scary!

Mon: Have you even heard any of Chandler's? (Chandler enjoying this cause the girls are fighting over him being better than Ross)

Phoe: Well, no... but Ross' are really scary.

Rach: Wet your pants scary? (Ross is getting fed up cause he can't get a word in)

Em: More like crap your pants scary

Rach: Impressive, but Chandlers are (searching for words) like... after you've crapped your pants, you become totally paranoid, you can't move for fear of anything near you

Phoe: (trying to remain pacifistic) Well if you really think so, Lets hear one. Chandler?

Chan: Okay. Three hundred years ago in England-

Rach: Oh God not this one! I need something to hide behind!

Chan: Wanna give me a chance to start the story?

Rach: Sorry.. (waves her hand at him) Go on

Chan: Thank you your highness. Three hundred years ago in England, Mary

Cut to: Joey at another table with a well pretty girl

Joey: So what's your name?

Girl: Helena

Joey: Wow! that's a really pretty name!

Hel: Really? (beat) I was thinking of changing it...

Joey: (shocked) No! you don't wanna be doing that! So... (for want of something to say) How you doin'?

Time lapse: Joey and Helena walk out of the bathroom in disarray

Joey: I'll give you a call

Hel: Okay

Joey: (under his breath) Will I hell

Hel: (under her breath) Will he hell

Joey: (On his way back to the gang, and then sees another girl; to the girl) How you doin'?

Cut back to: the gang. Rachel is gripping Monica, Emily is hiding behind Ross, and Phoebe is hiding behind Emily. Needless to say, they are absolutely petrified

Chan: Mary saw the graves of her friends in the ground. What she didn't know, was that hers was right next to them. The end. (sits back proud of himself)

Ross: That er... (voice breaks) that wasn't scary...

Rach: Then why are you shaking?

Ross: I'm cold... (Camera zooms out you'll notice that he's wearing about 2 sweaters and a coat) Okay, but you'll really start shaking once you've heard one of mine

Mon: As much as I'd like to be scared half to death again, I'm not sure I want to spend the next two days listening to you argue over who's storied are the best .So I'm gonna go find something else to do (gets up)

Ross: You're scared already!

Mon: What?

Ross: You're scared! You're leaving cause you know that my stories are scary!

Mon: I've heard your stories, and compared to Chandler's, they wouldn't scare Ben.

Ross: Well we'll see! Sit down! Okay. Cerys had just moved to Brooklyn from Wales.

Rach: (confused)What's so scary about Brooklyn?

Chan: Oh it's scary!

(Rachel laughs until she realises that Chandler was serious)

Ross: Do you have a problem with letting people start their stories? (Rachel looks defeated) Anyway. As I was saying, she just moved from Wales. She had no friends, then met Michaeles

Time Lapse

Ross: And then as she ran away, disappearing into the night, Michaeles himself dissappeared, and was no more (The guys don't seem to scared. Chandler is totally miffed at how that could be better than his.)

Chan: what the Hell was that?

Phoe: Yeah Ross, you've told better.

Rach: It just wasn't that scary. (Joey turns up behind her and puts his hand on her shoulder) AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Oh! Joey!

Ross: Not scary huh?

Rach: (totally defeated) Okay so it was a little scary

Em: What's the time guys?

Chan: Time to boogie? (Emily just glares at him)

Mon: (lookig at her watch) it's just past midnight! Wow!

Rach: Oh! and everyone's still awake!

Joey: Well not everyone. That guy over there's just dropped (points off somewhere)

Rach: What?! He can't fall asleep! (she gets up to walk over)

Ross: (worried for the guys safety)Wh-Where are you going?

Rach: (indifferently)To wake him up

Ross: I was afraid of that...

Chan: Why?

Rach: Because it's a wake over! you're not supposed to sleep!

Chan: Wow! You're really taking this seriously!

Rach: (quietly) Like I said. Close to home...(walks over to the man)

(Camera quickly pans over to Phoebe and Joey)

Phoe: Joey... Are you thinking about sex?

Joey: ummm, yeah.... why? (grins) what are thinking?

Phoe: Nothing, it's just I'm picking up your thoughts, and they're kinda disturbing, so I have to ask you to stop it!

Time Lapse Emily, Monica, Phoebe and Rachel are on the raised area the others have gone somewhere.

Mon: Okay Rach, I understand that you want to raise a lot of money, but did you realy have to (squeezes her shoulders hard) kick them awake?

Rach: Well, they weren't taking it seriously!

Phoe: Rachel...

Rach: (thinks about what she did) Yeah, I guess I did go overboard

Mon: just a tad.

Em: (after a pause and a yawn) I'm knackered. Where's the coffee. Should keep us awake.

Mon: Nice idea. Should we get the guys some?

(cut to: the guys at a table in the corner)

Chan: But then Chirsta stopped her from going through the garden, because she knew it would kill her

(Cut back to the girls)

Em: No... I think they're fine for staying awake. You can't sleep with all those ghost stories...

Phoe: Fair point.

Rach: Hey, we should make our own types of coffee. Invent a new coffee. and mke it super strong so people will stay awake.

Phoe: That could be fun...

Em: But, uh, we're not allowed behind the counter.

Mon: (grinning) Oh, I think we can get around that!

(Cut to the guys. Joey isn't there, yet)

Chan: Laney didn't know whatto do. leave Chirsta, or stay with her and risk death. In a few seconds it was decided. As the fate which met Chirsta, had finally met Laney. The end.

Ross: (Shaking) Okay... but my stories are still better.

Chan: You know what? (gulps) I don't think I can take anymore ghost stories. I'm feeling kinda paranoid...(Joey's behind him-I bet you can guess what's coming up next)

Joey: Hey-

Chan: AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!! (Jumps up and turns. Did you guess right?) Will you please stop doing that!

Ross: What you been up to Joey?

Joey: Oh! I met some really cool girls, and got their numbers

Chan: (knowingly) and...

Joey: (sheepishly) And slept with them

Chan: (nodding) There you go

Ross: What? you slept with all those women? Joey! You realise that in this enclosed space they will find out what you did and kill you?!

Joey: (thinks about it) Oh God! I never thought of that! They can't find out! I have to stop them! (yawns) Well, you know, after a nap

Chan: No no! You don't wanna be napping!

Joey: Why? I'm tired! (Chandler holds his hands up in surrender, as if to say, 'be my guest') Okay then... (Joey lies down and is about to get in his sleeping bag)

Rach: (OS) Joey! Joey! Get out of that bag right now!

(Joey gets scared and jumps up. Chandler nods as if to say, 'I tried to tell you'.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK-whaddya think of it so far?

Scene: Near the bar. Monica, Rachel, Phoebe and Emily are there

Mon: (taking charge) Okay Ladies. It's getting light outside. We haven't got much time. Does everybody know what they're doing?

Others: yeah/ okay!

Mon: Okay. Phoebe, Emily, time for phase one. (gets out her watch) Syncrinise watches (everyone looks at each other and they try and hide their smiles at Monica)

Phoe: Monica.. (Monica looks at them and sees that they're smirking at her)

Monica: Okay them just go...

(Phoebe and Emily go to the back and star emptying the fridge. Cut back to Mon and Rach.)

Rach: Okay (looks around) I can't believe this! Everybody's falling asleep! WAKE UP!!!!!!! (Some people do, but some are still asleep) Right!

Mon: You're not going to kick them again are you?

Rach: Of Course! (She goes off)

Cut to: Joey who's with Helena at a table

Joey: And you know who else not to talk to? (Looks around and sees a girl) That girl, over there, she said some really horrible things about you.

Hel: (shocked) Like what?

Joey: (trying to think of something) Oh, she, er, she said some real mean things about, er, your hair.

Hel: What about my hair?

Joey: Well, she-uh-she said it was like a crows nest

Hel: (jumps up) What!!! I'm gonna go and give her a piece of my mind!!!

Joey: (quickly) No! See, that's what she wants

Cut to: Chandler and Ross. They're now sitting where the sofa usually is, and are sitting against some chairs. They're paranoid and won't move

Chan: Is it nearly light yet? (Rachel sees them and smiles)

Ross: I don't know, turn around and see.

Chandler: No I can't. (Rachel tiptoes towards them, and trips over someone that's asleep)

Ross: Why? are you scared there's something behind you?(Rachel kicks the person awake)

Chan: No. Why? Are you?

Ross: Yeah

Chan: Yeah me too. (Rachel tiptoes over towards them, again)

Ross: You know what?

Chan: What? (Rachel turns up behind them)

Ross: Lets never tell ghost stories again.

Chan: yeah. (Rachel towers over them.)

Rach: Boo!

(The guys jump up screaming, Chandler picks up the chair in attack, while Ross hides behind his hands)

Rach: You guys are so easy! (she goes back to Monica) Well at least I know I don't have to kick them awake

Mon: I can't believe we've made a whole day

Em: Yeah! Hey, are Emily and Phoebe ready yet?

Mon: ummmm (looks over to the back) yeah.

Rach: Right, where's Gunther?

Mon: (looks off to the back again) Oh God he's coming this way! Duck! (whispers loudly) Emily!

(Emily knocks on the fridge top and runs to Rachel and Monica. Phoebe is no where to be seen. Cut to the back with the fridge. He opens it and Phoebe jumps out and scares the hell out of him. All the while the girls run behind the counter, Gunther screams, and as he recovers Phoebe runs to join the others.)

Cut to...: Helena! She's with a group of three other girls

Hel: And he told me that you hated my hair.

Girl#1: (Now called... Colette) (shocked) What?! He said that you hated my hair.

Girl#2: (Now called.... Summer) I smel a rat, by any chance did he sleep with any of you?

All: (slowly, but shocked) err yeah../in the back/ that pig

Hel: I don't believe it! (losing her rag) HE slept with ALL of us! I'm gonna go (starts to storm off) give him-

Girl#3: (mum chose Sue. she pulls her back) Wait wait wait. I gotta better idea. (takes them to the bar) Hello? Anyone there?

Mon: (whispering) yeah! down here!

Sue: (leaning forwards looking over the counter) Hey! (cut to behind the counter so you can see all the men looking at Sue as she leans over)

Phoe: What?

Sue: Make us five mugs of extra thick coffee

Mon: um.... okay...

Rach: (whispering) hey! Is anyone asleep out there?

Sum: (looking around) Yeah, a few

Rach: uh. (loudly) I can't believe this!

Girls: shhhh!!!!!!

Rach: (walking out) I'll be right back (walks off to a person who's asleep, and she blows in his ear, he starts awake)

Col: The coffee ready yet? (five mugs of thick coffee are suddenly placed on the counter)

Hel: (turning to Sue) So whats the plan?

Cut to: the boys. Ross is sitting back towards the bathrooms, Joey is sitting facing the bar, and Chandler is sitting facing the window. Well, they were brave enough to move round a bit!

Ross: So did you manage to keep the girls apart?

Joey: (camera shows him and behind him so the backround is the window. Summer, Helena, Sue, and Colette are there at his sleeping bag) Yeah, I spoke to them, and kinda pretended they were making fun of each other (Colette pours a mug of coffee into Joeys sleeping bag)

Cut to: Chandler, Background being the bar

Chan: That's not nice! (behind Chandler, a number of things occur, a hand appears at the bar and taps around looking for something) What if they confront each other? And find out the truth? (The hand has found what it's looking for and disappears. Then Chandler seems to look over Joeys shoulder and he pulls a face)

Cut to: Joey, can see what the girls are doing to his sleeping bag now

Joey: (Reacting to Chandlers face) What? (We can see behind that the girls are now pouring flasks of soup into the bag, and crumbling biscotti's into it)

Chan: I think they did confront each other

(Joey looks behind and runs to his bag as the girls run off he looks completely shocked, the camera goes back to Chandler and Ross)

Chan: (behind him is the bar, and while Chandler's talking, this happens: Gunther walks behind the counter, and trips up over someone. the four girls jump up quickly and then scramble to run out of the bar, Gunther in pursuit) Do you think Joey will ever have a serious relationship? (small silence, then he and Ross burst out laughing at the thought)

Ross: Oh my God! Funniest thing I've heard in my life!

Chan: (stops laughing) Really? Dud you gotta get out more! (gets up and walks away leaving Ross looking bewildered)

Time Lapse

Scene: the raised area, they're all falling asleep cept for Rachel

Joey: I'm so tired!

Mon: yeah me too, but we just gotta stay awake, you know, incase we get hurt by Rachel?

(The others agree strongly)

Ross: I got an idea, Pheebs, why don't you play some songs to keep us awake?

Rach: I woulda thought you and Chandler had no trouble staying awake after all those ghost stories!

Phoe: Oh Ross has no trouble (Camera shows Chandler whos dozing off into Emily's lap)

Rach Chandler! (Chandler starts awake)

Phoe: okay! songs! (She takes her guitar) Hey everybody! (looks around and sees some people are asleep) Rachel, people are sleeping...

Rach: ugh! (gets up and runs over to the seeping people to wake them up)

Phoe: Okay guys! I'm gonna sing a song that has a lot to do with the past two days
Joey's slept with all the women
Boy it made them made
They got five cups of coffee

(Joey looks very sheepish)

Time Lapse

Phoe: (still singing) and Chandler and Ross told stories
Now they're realy scared
Too scared to even cose their eyes
In the cafe that never sleeps

(she finishes and the camera pans around, some people are asleep, including Joey)

Rach: (losing it) Alright! That's it! I give up! No-one's taking this seriously!

Chan: (sleepily) Rachel, I'm sure people are taking this seriously (yawns) It's just (falling asleep) It's hard to stay awake (Mumbling the next bit as he falls asleep in Monica's lap) two ni's i' a o (falls asleep)

Rach: (shouting) Chandler! (shakes him awake)

Chan: (wakes up) What?! (quickly) Mary couldn't believe her eyes! (sees Rachel) Oh! Hi Rach... (smiles at her sleepily)

EM: Ghost stories!

Ross: What?

Em: Ghost stories. You and Chandler can tell a ghost story to the cafe and keep them awake!

Phoe: Where is Emily getting all these good ideas?

Mon: (whistles to the rest of the cafe which wakes some people up) Hey! Come round! We got ghost stories!!!! (some people come over, but the rest are asleep which Prompts Rachel to go and kick and shake the others awake, starting with Joey)

Chan: Okay, Matthew and Fran had been best friends all their lives

Time Lapse- everyone is wide awake, scared and clinging to each other, Except for Rachel, who is in fact asleep

Ross: Fran looked down at his town, thinking of the people he left behind as he travelled up

Chan: Which left Matthew without his best friend. But as he felt a frosty hand on his shoulder, he knew that he would soon be joining Fran, wherever he had gone

Ross/Chan: The End!

(various claps from the people that aren't scared to pieces)

Mon: (scared) That er, that, was realy good

Chan: Really?

Joey: Yeah! Unfortunately Rachel fell asleep and missed half of it

Ross: (annoyed) How could she fall asleep? That was the scariest story ever!

(they all look at her, she's on the sofa with a coat over her as a blanket to keep her warm looking peaceful. You can also see that it's light outside)

Phoe: she had a hard night y'know. trying to keep everyone awake, she's just exhusted

Ross: Hey whats the time? (nudges Chandler)

Chan: (looks at his watch) it's seven, seven? (clicks) Seven! Guys! We've done the forty eight hour lock in! (various whoops and they all hug)

Em:What are we going to do about Rachel?

Joey: Well I guess we could kick her awake! give her a taste of her own medicine! (advances towards her)

Mon: (stops him) No! don't! Lets just take her home and lets her sleep

Gun: (at the door) Okay! Thank you for doing this lock in, we have raised about five thousand dollers thanks to your generousity, you are now free to leave (he looks around, but everybody except the gang have fallen asleep or are moaning and lieing on the floor and falling asleep)


Scene: M&R's They've just walked in, Chandler's carrying Rachel

Chan: (thoughtfully) So what are we giong to tell her?

Mon: What?

Chan: Well after keeping everyone awake we can't tell her she fell asleep before the lock in finished

Joey: (agreeing) Yeah... Let's just tell her she fell asleep as soon as she walked in, make her feel better

Chan: So I'm just aying her on the floor?

Joey: (thinks about it for a beat) Yeah.

Ross: What?

Phoe: Why?

Joey: Well, yeah she raised a lot of money and stuff, but she still kicked me!

END-not so bad this time huh?


Next episode: TOW Joey gets Arrested Joey gets a job on a TV movie, but his co-star doesn't take a shine to him. Emily tells some shocking news, and Chandler moves in, finally