Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone but Monica is present)
Phoebe: (to Joey): So did you get your stuff back from Courteney?
Joey: It’s kinda hard when you can’t find the person.
Phoebe: Did you check at the office?
Chandler: Wouldn’t do him any good.
Ross: Why not?
Chandler: She quit.
Rachel: Did she say where she was going?
Chandler: She left me a message saying she was moving to Florida.
Rachel: There you go Joey, go to Florida.
Joey: Nah, I’ll just buy new stuff.
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ross: Oh my God, she’s having an orgasm right in front of us!
Rachel: What’s wrong Phoebe?
Phoebe: Nothing. Joey, let me buy you your furniture and stuff.
Joey: Fine by me.
Ross: Chandler, what time are you supposed to pick up Monica at the hospital?
Chandler: 10:30. Why?
Rachel: It’s 10:45.
Chandler: So? (pause) Oh my God, I forgot to pick up my wife! (Chandler runs out of the apartment)
Ross: Monica’s gonna kill him.
Rachel: Relax, it’s only 9:45.
Phoebe: (to Rachel): You are evil incarnate.
Opening Credits
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone but Chandler and Monica are present. Rachel is trying to hang a welcome home banner. Everyone else is sitting around)
Phoebe: You know the last time Monica and Chandler left us alone in their apartment we moved all of their stuff out. We should do that again.
Joey: That would be funny.
Ross: But highly inappropriate.
Phoebe: Leave it to Ross to spoil all the fun.
Rachel: Are you guys gonna help me with this banner or not?!
Joey: You need help?
Rachel: You think?
Ross: Let me do that sweetie. (takes the banner from Rachel)
Joey: Oh look, Weekend at Bernie’s is on.
(Rachel goes and sits down on the couch)
Rachel: I love this movie!
Ross: Ah, Rach, could you help me please?
Rachel: Go help Ross Joey.
Joey: Why do I have to help him? He’s your husband.
Rachel: Because I said so.
Joey: That might work on Ross but it’s not working on me.
Rachel: You do it now, or I’ll spill the beans about your secret fetish.
Joey: That’ll work. (Joey gets up and goes to help Ross)
Ross: (to Joey): What’s this fetish?
Joey: I dunno, but I don’t want Rach telling everyone.
MT. SINAI HOSPITAL (Chandler has come to get Monica)
Chandler: (entering Monica’s room): Hey sweetie! How you doing?
Monica: Ok I guess.
Chandler: What’s wrong?
Monica: Nothing. (pause) I guess I’m just nervous to go back home.
Chandler: How come?
Monica: Because the last time I was there I was in agony and on the way to the hospital.
Chandler: Everything’s gonna be ok Mon. Everyone’s really excited to see you.
Monica: (breaking down to tears): You don’t get it do you!
Chandler: What don’t I get?
Monica: I lost our baby. Everyone’s gonna think I’m a failure!
Chandler: Honey, honey, look at me. Mon, look at me. No one thinks you’re a failure. Everyone understands that what happened was not your fault. Everyone is behind you 100%. They’re just happy that you’re ok and you’re coming home.
Monica: Then why do I feel like a failure?
Chandler: Honestly?
Monica: No, lie to me. It’s what you do best.
Chandler: I don’t know why you feel like a failure but I understand why you do.
Monica: What the hell are you talking about?
Chandler: All I’m saying is that it’s natural to feel like you failed. But Mon, you’re not a failure. This could’ve happened to anyone. It could’ve happened to Rachel or Phoebe.
Monica: But it didn’t. It happened to me.
Chandler: Yes, it happened to you. It happened to us. But Dr. Newer said that in a few months we can try again.
Monica: But what if this happens again?
Chandler: Well what if it doesn’t? Then you and I will have a baby Bing to raise in this wonderful world.
Monica: (laughing): Ok, it’s time to go, you’re starting to get corny on me.
Chandler: Are you gonna be ok?
Monica: Probably. Thanks for being there for me.
Chandler: Like the minister said, “in sickness and in health.”
Monica: You were paying attention!
Chandler: Yeah, but don’t tell anyone.
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone is waiting for Monica and Chandler to arrive)
Ross: Where are they? They should’ve been here by now.
Rachel: The movie’s almost over. Hopefully they can hold out for ten minutes.
Ross: Rachel! That’s your sister-in-law who’s coming home and you want to watch the ending to a movie you’ve seen 50 times!
Rachel: Shut up Ross, they’re not here yet and the best part is coming up.
Joey: How did that actor play dead for the whole film?
Phoebe: He saw you act in one of your early plays and used that experience during the filming of the movie.
Joey: And they say I’m not a good actor.
Ross: No, just a dumb one.
(Chandler and Monica enter)
Chandler: Hey guys, look who’s home!
Everyone: Monica!
Monica: Hey. Thanks for being here. It means a lot to me, to us.
Joey: Hey Mon, Weekend at Bernie’s is on.
Monica: Oh I’m sorry Rach, we should’ve waited in the hall until it was over.
Rachel: Don’t be silly, I’ve seen the movie 50 times.
Ross: Sure you tell her that, but if I ask you to do something you tell me not to bother you until the movie’s over.
Rachel: You’re not Monica. So Mon, how are you doing?
Monica: I’ve been better, but I’m ok.
Phoebe: We were gonna move your stuff out of the apartment again but Ross wouldn’t let us.
Chandler: Thanks for not doing that Phoebe.
Monica: Although it would’ve been pretty funny.
Phoebe: That’s what Joey and I thought. But no, Dr. No Fun over there rained on our parade.
Ross: It would’ve been inappropriate!
Joey: Man, I haven’t heard you use that voice since the “we were on a break” era.
Rachel: Eh, I hear that voice all the time. You should come over more often Joey.
Ross: I’m going home!
Rachel: Oh Ross, sit down and stop being a baby, we’re just kidding.
Ross: (sitting down): We were on a break you know.
Rachel: That’s it, no more baby making for you. (Everyone goes silent and looks at Monica) Oh Mon, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to bring that up.
Monica: It’s ok. Someone was gonna mention it sooner or later and I know you and Ross have been trying for a baby. I really hope you guys get your wish. I don’t mean to be a downer, but I’m really tired and need a nap. I’m gonna go lay down. I’ll see you guys later.
Joey: Pheebs, we should get shopping.
Phoebe: You buying lunch? (Joey shakes his head no) Oh sure, the millionaire has to buy lunch.
Ross: Are you ready Rach?
Rachel: Yeah. Are we supposed to be doing something together?
Ross: We were gonna go to library remember?
Rachel: Now I know why I forgot. Bye Chandler.
Chandler: See you guys.
(Chandler goes into the bedroom to find Monica crying)
Monica: You’re not supposed to see me like this!
Chandler: Oh, I didn’t realize you were naked.
Monica: That’s not what I meant!
Chandler: I was just trying to be funny. Mon, it’s gonna be ok. Rachel just slipped.
Monica: It’s not that. I know she didn’t mean anything by it.
Chandler: Then why are you crying?
Monica: I lost our baby you idiot!
Chandler: Come here. (takes Monica in his arms) It’s gonna be ok eventually, I promise.
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Rachel and Ross are present. Rachel is bored to tears)
Rachel: Are you almost done?
Ross: No.
Rachel: How long does it take to find a book on dinosaurs?
Ross: Don’t rush me.
Rachel: Here’s one, read this.
Ross: That’s a Barney book.
Rachel: Well it’s about a dinosaur and it’s aimed at your education level.
Ross: Why don’t you go look for the latest In Style magazine or something. You’re driving me nuts.
Rachel: Fine, but if you keep me here for another 30 minutes you’re not gonna have nuts to drive.
MELO’S PIZZA (Joey and Phoebe are eating lunch)
Phoebe: How you doin?
Joey: Not bad, how you doin?
Phoebe: I could use some Joey love.
Joey: I thought we weren’t doing that anymore.
Phoebe: We’re not.
Joey: Then why….
Phoebe: I could yearn for Joey love, that’s not against the rules.
Joey: I could fill your yearn.
Phoebe: That’s not all you could fill. (pause) We haven’t even gone shopping yet. We’re supposed to do that first and then eat lunch.
Joey: Sorry, I was hungry.
Phoebe: You do realize it’s only 11 am.
Joey: Yeah. I figured we could eat now and then you could go shopping.
Phoebe: Don’t you mean we?
Joey: No. I have to go to the set. You’re on your own.
Phoebe: So you’re saying I have carte blanche in decorating your apartment?
Joey: Who’s Carte Blanche? Is she hot?
Phoebe: No Joey she's ugly as hell. Can I decorate your apartment any way I want?
Joey: Sure, just don’t make it all girly and stuff. I gotta go. See ya later. Oh, and thanks for lunch. (kisses Phoebe on the lips)
Phoebe: That’s against the rules Tribbiani!
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Ross is looking for Rachel)
Ross: (VO): She better not have left me here. Where is she? Oh cool, the new Dinosaur Monthly is out. Wait a minute, I have to find Rach. (sees Rachel at a table. She’s fallen asleep) Rach, Rach, wake up!
Rachel: Huh?
Ross: You fell asleep.
Rachel: Now I know how you felt when you read my letter at the beach house.
Ross: Huh?
Rachel: Does this look familiar? (holds up a bunch of binder paper)
Ross: What is that?
Rachel: It’s the letter I wrote you at the beach house. I can’t believe you kept it.
Ross: (defensive): Where did you find that?
Rachel: I found it this morning while you were in the shower. I was trying to make some room in your desk. I can’t believe you kept it.
Ross: Well I sometimes used it as a sleeping aid if I couldn’t sleep. Can we go now?
Rachel: Very funny. Why are you acting all weird?
Ross: I’m not acting weird. I’m just ready to go.
Rachel: Ross.
Ross: What?
Rachel: What’s bothering you?
Ross: Nothing. Can we go?
Rachel: No. We can’t. Not until you tell me what’s bothering you?
Ross: Did you find anything else in that drawer?
Rachel: No. Just this.
Ross: Ok. Can we go?
Rachel: No.
Ross: Come on. I’m fine.
Rachel: Why are you turning all red?
Ross: I’m not turning all red.
Rachel: You look like you’re about to explode into Red Ross.
Ross: I just don’t like people digging around in my stuff that’s all.
Rachel: I didn’t mean to find it, I just did. And hey we’re married now, what’s yours is mine.
Ross: I don’t go reading your diary.
Rachel: I don’t have a diary for you to read. What’s the big deal? It’s not like someone else wrote it.
Ross: Then why did you take it out?
Rachel: Because I was touched that you kept it. Besides, it reminded me that I have something to tell you.
Ross: You’re not gonna write another long letter again are you?
Rachel: Why don’t we just drop it then.
Ross: What is it?
Rachel: I wanna do it right here in the library.
Ross: You’re crazy. We’ll get caught.
Rachel: Follow me.
Ross: Oh baby…..wait, how does the letter remind you that you wanna do it in the library?
Rachel: Does it matter?
JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey is getting home from the set. He walks in to find Phoebe sitting on a couch waiting for him)
Joey: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: What the hell took you so long honey?
Joey: I kept forgetting my lines. Wow, this apartment looks great.
Phoebe: Thanks.
Joey: Wait a minute! This is all the stuff from your apartment!
Phoebe: I know! Doesn’t it fit great!
Joey: You were supposed to buy new furniture.
Phoebe: I did. It’s at my place.
Joey: You were supposed to buy it for me!
Phoebe: No, you said I had carte blanche.
Joey: For Christ Sakes! Who is Carte Blanche?!
Phoebe: You told me I could do what I want!
Joey: Yeah, by buying me new furniture, not giving me yours!
Phoebe: Oh well. Wanna have sex?
Joey: No. I wanna see your apartment. (Joey leaves, Phoebe sits back down on the couch. Joey re-enters) I wanna see it now Buffay!
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler is on the phone. Monica is asleep in their bedroom)
Chandler: I don’t know Mom. (pause) I don’t know what to do. She keeps breaking down on me and I feel helpless. (pause) I tried that, but that only makes her cry harder. (pause) I am not gonna get her drunk Mom. (Monica emerges from the bedroom) Look, she’s up, I gotta go. Ok, I’ll talk to you later.
Monica: Who was that?
Chandler: It was your mom.
Monica: Since when did you start calling my mother “mom?”
Chandler: It was her idea. How are you?
Monica: Tired.
Chandler: You’ve slept most the day. Are you sure you’re not sleeping too much?
Monica: (snappy): I’m just tired.
Chandler: Hey, I’m just trying to help you!
Monica: (breaking down in tears again): Don’t yell at me!
Chandler: (taking Monica in his arms, tears filling his eyes): I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to help.
Monica: Are you crying?
Chandler: Yes.
Monica: You’re doing better than you think you are.
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY LIBRARY (Ross and Rachel are getting it on)
Rachel: Would you hurry up!
Ross: It won’t inflate! Maybe if you blow on it?
Rachel: This is not how this is supposed to happen!
Ross: Well pardon me for ruining your fantasy!
(a Security Guard approaches)
Security Guard: What are you guys doing?
Rachel: He lost his contacts and we’re looking for them.
Security Guard: And that’s why your panties are on the floor?
Rachel: He was doing some diving and they fell out.
Security Guard: (to Ross): Don’t you work here at the University?
Ross: Yeah.
Security Guard: What department?
Ross: Paleontology.
Security Guard: Ah, that explains it. Your wife is looking for a special bone and your contact lenses. Well I’ll let you get back to your exploration. Oh, and make sure you use protection.
Ross: That was close.
Rachel: Not as close as I am. Hurry up!
PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe have come to look at Phoebe’s new furniture)
Joey: Man, you went all out. Look at how big that TV is! Can you imagine what porn looks like on a screen that big!
Phoebe: Not bad eh?
Joey: You know that I’m living here now.
Phoebe: No you’re not!
Joey: Yes I am.
Phoebe: Ah, no you’re not.
Joey: You were supposed to buy me new furniture and stuff, not yourself. Your punishment is that you have to live in my apartment for a month.
Phoebe: With the chick and the duck?
Joey: Are you crazy? No way, the chick and the duck come with me.
Phoebe: Fine, but we’re not having sex anymore.
Joey: I thought we already established that rule.
Phoebe: Then you have to wear underwear for the whole month.
Joey: I don’t own any underwear.
Phoebe: You do now. I bought you some when I went shopping.
Joey: Boxers or briefs?
Phoebe: Boxers. We wouldn’t want to kill innocent swimmers.
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are cuddling on the couch)
Monica: This is nice.
Chandler: Huh?
Monica: This. This, the cuddling, it’s nice.
Chandler: Definitely.
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey guys!
Chandler and Monica: Hey.
Monica: What are you doing here? It’s 9 o’clock.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, Joey and I switched apartments.
Chandler: Why exactly?
Phoebe: Because I was supposed to buy him new furniture for his place and instead I put my furniture in his apartment and put the new stuff in mine. So my punishment is that I have to spend a month at Joey’s.
Monica: He obviously forgot that he’s punishing us as well.
Phoebe: I see that your sense of humor is coming back. So how are you really doing?
Monica: Better thanks.
Chandler: Speaking of Joey, where is he?
Phoebe: I dunno. Why?
Chandler: Nothing, he was just gonna do something for me.
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: What’s up guys?
Chandler: Nothing, just cuddling on the couch.
Rachel: (to Ross): How come we never do that?
Ross: Because you’re always telling me to get away from you.
Rachel: Whatever. How are you Mon?
Monica: Better. I’m definitely feeling better. Did you know Phoebe’s living across the hall at Joey’s for the next month?
Rachel: Really? Why?
Phoebe: Because I was supposed to buy him new furniture for his place and instead I put my furniture in his apartment and put the new stuff in mine.
Rachel: Sounds like Joey’s punishing Chandler and Monica too.
Phoebe: Geez, everyone’s a comedian around here.
(Joey enters with flowers)
Joey: Hey, sorry I’m late.
Phoebe: Joey, you shouldn’t have. (goes to take the flowers)
Joey: Don’t worry, I didn’t. (to Monica) These are for you.
Monica: Thanks Joey, that’s sweet of you.
Joey: Don’t thank me, thank Chandler.
Monica: You did this?
Chandler: Read the card.
Monica: “To Monica, I love you more than life itself. You’ll always be my baby. Love always, Chandler.” Oh sweetie, thank you so much. I love you.
Chandler: I love you too.
Joey: Now how about we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds have some time to themselves.
Ross: Good idea. Bye Guys.
Rachel: Lunch tomorrow Mon?
Monica: Sure.
Phoebe: Can I come?
Rachel: Of course. You’re buying.
Phoebe: Sticking it to the millionaire again.
Chandler: See you guys later.
(Everyone goes to leave)
Joey: Hey for anyone who’s interested, there’s a porn marathon going on at my place. Porn on a big screen TV, you can’t beat it.
Phoebe: I think we’ll let you beat it in private Joey.
Closing Credits
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are getting ready for bed)
Rachel: Have you seen my underwear?
Ross: Not since this afternoon.
Rachel: Oh my God, I’ve been walking around with no underwear on since we left the library.
Ross: Sexy.
Rachel: And liberating. Now I know why Joey goes commando all the time.
Ross: Good thing you weren’t wearing a skirt or a dress.
Rachel: That’s what makes it exciting. Imagine if I was?
Ross: The Lincoln Log just woke up.
Rachel: The wind blows and the log wakes up. Not that I’m complaining. Now what should I wear to bed?
Ross: Nothing.
Rachel: Again?
Ross: Again.
(Rachel jumps into bed)
Rachel: My, that’s definitely not petrified wood Dr. Geller.
Ross: And it’s ready to go into the flume.
End