by: Bobby Coakley
Based on characters created by David Crane, Marta Kaufmann and Kevin Bright.
(Here is the follow up to TOW Gunthers Nervous Breakdown, which included Chandler telling Monica he loved her "for real" meaning no uncooked turkeys involved, Monica echoing the sentiment, and Gunther suffering a nervous breakdown in the middle of Central Perk, quitting his job, and moving into Monica and Rachels kitchen. Enjoy, as I will also be following this one up.)
(Monica and Rachel's apartment. Gunther (having suffered a nervous breakdown in TOW Gunther's Nervous Breakdown) has set up a coffee shop in Monica's kitchen. It has been completely rearranged, and three different coffee makers are going at once. The entire kitchen has also gained a new counter, effectively closing it off from the rest of the apartment aside from a little waist-high "swing door" you are likely to see in real coffee shops. Gunther is behind the counter, steadily wiping the counter top with a rag.)
(Monica enters from her bedroom, half asleep and her bathrobe not completely synched.)
Gunther: Good morning!
Monica: AHH!! (clutches her robe)
Gunther (pouring coffee into cup): No sugar, no cream, right?
Monica (thinking it over): Sure. (walks over) You know Gunther, I know you are going through some problems right now and... What the hell have you done?
Monica: My kitchen! What's this counter and (goes over to the door) this little swingy door?
Gunther: Please don't touch the door. That's an employee only section.
Monica: Gunther, what have you done to my kitchen? It's completely rearranged! And... and...
(begrudgingly impressed) You did a really good job. (remembering to be angry) But this is still my...
(Gunther presents Monica with an extra-large coffee cup. Actually, it looks more like a bowl with a coffee mug handle broken off and attached to the bowl's side with glue. Which is exactly what Gunther did.)
Gunther: No sugar, no cream.
(Monica gets a "Monica look" on her face as her bowls and mugs have been cannibalized together into a deformed hybrid. Then she takes the "bowl-cup" and studies it, again very impressed with the workmanship even though she doesn't want to be.)
(Rachel and Monica's... er Rachel, Monica and Gunther's apartment. Monica has gotten dressed and is now talking with Phoebe and Joey over by the window, where Gunther can't hear them.)
Phoebe: Give him a break, will you? It's only been 3 days.
Monica: And look what he's done! Give him three more days, and we'll have Alice and Flo waiting tables.
Joey: Well, if he's bugging you so much, why not just ask him to leave?
Monica: I can't do that!
Phoebe: How come?
Monica: About 6 years worth of stories from you about New York City homeless shelters, for one thing!
Phoebe: Oh. Well then, you can't throw him out.
Monica: I just don't get it. What is it about this place that makes him want to stay here?
(Rachel exits from her room, wearing a short pink bathrobe and carrying some towels.)
Rachel: Hey, Gunther.
Gunther (nodding civilly): Rachel.
(Rachel goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. We hear the shower start and Gunther allows himself a small smile.)
Monica: This is ridiculous! I can't have a guy who just suffered a nervous breakdown live in my kitchen! It's not right!
Joey: Rachel had a nervous breakdown when she was about to marry Barry, and you let her stay here.
Monica: That's... different.
Monica: Uh... it just is, okay? Rachel didn't turn my kitchen into her own private coffee shop!
Joey: Look, he makes really good coffee, right? This is just like the situation with me and the duck. I'd get rid of the duck, but I need the eggs.
Phoebe: Your duck doesn't lay eggs.
Joey: Hey, that's right. (thinking) Now, how did that go again? I need eggs, so I can't get rid of the crazy guy with the duck? No, that's not right.
Joey: Hang on, I've almost got it. I wouldn't even want to get rid of the duck... but would I if I needed eggs?
Monica (interrupting): Look, you two have been gainfully unemployed for most of your adult lives. Surely you can give Gunther some advice so he won't have to leech off me the way you two do!
Joey: Okay, we'll...
Phoebe and Joey: Hey!
Monica: Just go over there, all right?
(Joey and Phoebe go over to the counter)
Phoebe (sweetly): Hey, Gunther.
Joey (mumbling): Hey.
Gunther: Phoebe, I've decided to wait a few days before starting open mike night again. The customers seem more interested in watching TV or listening to the stereo anyway.
(Phoebe looks hurt for a second, then tries again)
Phoebe: We're really sorry you lost your job.
Joey: These things happen, you know. I've lost hundreds of jobs!
Phoebe: But you can't just stay here.
Gunther: But... I like you guys. You were there for me when I needed you.
(Phoebe turns to Monica with a "I can't do this, he's so sweet" look on her face. Monica hits Phoebe with a "Just do it" look. Phoebe turns back to Gunther)
Phoebe: You need to find a new job. You need to find new friends.
Gunther: So, over $3000 in free coffee over five years, a reserved sign on your regular spots, and suddenly you guys aren't my friends.
Phoebe: Of course we're your friends. (turns to Joey) Joey?
Joey (mumbling): Yeah, sure, whatever.
Gunther: What? Didn't catch that.
Joey: Dude, don't push it. You wear pastels.
Phoebe: But you should find another job out there somewhere. It's not like you were a perfect coffee shop manager. Didn't you once get in big trouble for calling Monica "Baby?"
Gunther: It wasn't Monica. It was Ross.
Phoebe (double take): Okay. Barring the blonde hair, pastel shirts, and paisley ties... why in the world would you call Ross "Baby?"
Gunther: A baby, Phoebe.
Joey: Dude, why don't you go back to Central Perk?
(Gunther suddenly jumps back like a trapped animal at the mention of Central Perk)
Joey: Woah! I mean... back to the place you used to work... and just ask for your old job back? Is it really that much better here?
(Rachel appears out of the bathroom wearing a pink bathrobe with a towel around her head.)
Rachel: Hey, guys.
Gunther (nodding again): Rachel.
(Joey absently stares at Rachel as she goes to her room and shuts the door. Joey turns back to Gunther.)
Joey: Like I said, is it that much better here?
Gunther: Well, there's the space. I have much more room back here than I ever did at... the other place. In fact, I wonder how Monica could afford a nice place like this.
Phoebe: Hey, that is something.
Gunther (to Monica): I mean, the time you were unemployed and Rachel was losing money from breaking all the cups, you could still live here.
Monica (nervously): Well, I always saved up for a rainy day.
Gunther: You have an illegal lease, don't you? You're living here under false pretenses.
Monica (trying to remain calm): No, I don't.
Gunther: If you say so.
(Monica turns away, starting to panic)
Monica: Dear God, I'm stuck with him forever. What can I do to make him go? Surely someone can get through to him.
(Rachel exits her room, dressed for work)
Gunther (nodding): Rachel.
Ross: Hey, everyone.
Joey: Hey, Baby.
(Ross looks puzzled at this.)
Phoebe: What are you up to today, Ross?
Ross: D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Find out what it means to me. Sock it to me. Sock it to me.
Joey: I thought this divorce was going down smoother than the marriage. Of course, anti-freeze goes down smoother than your marriage.
Ross: Well, the divorce would go smoothly, if not for one minor snag. The prenup.
Monica: Prenup? You guys didn't have a prenup.
Ross: You know that valentine I sent Emily? "You are the one I truly adore, every thing I am is yours?" According to the lawyers, that's the prenup.
(Gunther has prepared a special cup of coffee and is presenting it to Rachel)
Gunther: Here, Rachel, I made this...
Ross (snatching coffee): Oh, thanks, I need this.
Ross: I can't believe I have to meet with Emily's lawyers. How many lawyers is this stupid divorce going to take anyway? One blue paper signed and notarized saying our marriage is over. That doesn't need a whole battalion of sharks in pinstripes. Carol and I didn't need more than one lawyer for our divorce.
Rachel: You mean you each had only one lawyer?
Ross: No, I mean both of us used the same layer. Emily comes from a wealthy family, she has an army of them at her beck and call. I'm dead. (Sips coffee. He pauses for a moment, then drinks some more.) You know, this is damn fine coffee.
Gunther (darkly): You think so?
Ross (brightening): You know, it's really good today. Maybe this won't be so bad after all. I feel ready to take on Emily's lawyers. This should go pretty smoothly! Well, bye! (leaves)
Monica: Gunther, is that your Egyptian Coffee?
Gunther: Egyptian coffee?
Monica: Yes, the one made with the water from Denial.
Gunther: Kyle MacLachlin solved one of the toughest TV murders in history with coffee like that.
Monica (going to bedroom): Maybe we can have you wrapped in plastic.
Phoebe: Well, I better get going to. I have to perform at Central... Per... (trails off as she remembers Gunther is there, staring at her) Per...
(Phoebe just runs out of the apartment. She takes one second to come back, grab her guitar, and run out again.)
Rachel: Monica, you've got to help me out today.
Monica: Oh, what is it now? Having Gunther stay in our kitchen is payback for at least a dozen favors, I figure.
Rachel: Well, James is coming to visit.
Monica: James, your sister Julia's fiance? Your brother in law to be?
Rachel: Yes, and it turns out I can't stay home since the person going to replace me is sick.
Monica: Well, let's hope it's nothing minor.
Rachel: Look, I would hate for him to have to watch me dress rich people all day, so maybe you could...
Monica: Rachel, I can't just let some stranger stay in Allesondro's all day.
Gunther: She's right. I wouldn't want some weirdo staying in my kitchen.
(Monica just glares at Gunther)
(We push in on the exterior of Central Perk. There is a sign that says "Under New and Improved Management.")
(Central Perk. Phoebe enters with her guitar, and is a little perturbed to see that someone else is set up on the Central Perk stage. The performer is named Matthew and is played by underrated and underappreciated rock star Matthew Sweet.)
(Phoebe goes over to Jackie, who Gunther promoted in the midst of his nervous breakdown)
Phoebe: Jackie, I hate to be a snoop, and I know you've been in charge for only three days, but there's something out of place here.
Jackie: And what's that, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Well, it's the stage. I'm not on it.
Jackie: Yes, well, that's Matthew. He's auditioning for your spot.
Phoebe: My spot? But why? Oh, is this about that Jackie Should Rehire Gunther song. Now, I know the chorus has "Jackie Should Rehire Gunther" repeated about 5 times, but you're missing the truer essence of the song.
Jackie: No, Phoebe. Look, I know Gunther had his own way of doing things here, but he's huddled in the fetal position somewhere and no help to anyone.
Phoebe: Gunther's not huddled in the fetal position... any longer... than a few hours a day...
Jackie: The point is you were late.
Phoebe: But... only five minutes!
Jackie: I have a schedule to keep. If you're going to be waltzing in here five minutes late everyday, what choice do I have but to audition a new performer?
Phoebe: I don't waltz in here! It's more like a fox-trot.
Jackie: Time and tide wait for no man, Phoebe. (to Matthew) Matthew, any time now.
(Matthew starts performing an acoustic version of his song "Girlfriend," from his album by the same name. As he plays, Phoebe's expression changes from being envious of him, to being impressed by his music, to being nervous that he's going to take her spot. The song ends and everyone claps. Matthew goes up to Jackie.)
Matthew: What do you think?
Jackie: Sorry, Matthew. You're just not what we're looking for at this time.
Matthew (crestfallen): Oh.
Jackie (snapping her fingers): Phoebe, you're up!
Phoebe (excited): Oh boy, oh boy! (stops at Matthew) Sorry. That was really good. (bounces up to the stage) Oh boy, oh boy.
Jackie: Ladies and gentlemen, Central Perk's own Phoebe Buffay.
(Matthew takes a seat to watch Phoebe perform)
(Phoebe starts strumming her guitar. Suddenly she starts a country-western riff.)
Phoebe (singing): Oh, Jackie should rehire Gunther,
He's no danger to himself or others
And he loves serving coffee all the t-i-i-i-ime
Oh, Jackie should rehire Gunther,
And she would so if I had my druthers
And he'd give me my coffee right on ti-i-i-i-me.
(Matthew watches Phoebe in wide-eyed wonder)
Matthew (to Jackie): She... she's amazing.
Jackie: Whatever. You drinking something or not, 'cause we have a new no loitering rule.
(Phoebe continues playing as we change to...)
(The girls'... um, the girls' and Gunther's apartment. Gunther is on the phone.)
Gunther: Well, I need them by the end of the day at least. That's right, one sack of biscotti. And the milk steamer will come soon, right? Good. Just put it on the same credit card. That's right. Well, it is an unusual name, but I've learned to enjoy it. Yes, Bing. B-I-N-G. Thank you. Bye.
(Rachel enters from her room)
Gunther: Hey, Rachel. I don't suppose...
Rachel: Sorry, Gunther. My sister's fiance will be here any moment, and I've got to explain to him how I can't spend the day with him. Ugh, this is going to be a disaster. He's all either of my parents can talk about. James, James, James.
(Knock at the door. Rachel goes to answer it.)
Rachel: James is so cool. James is so great. What can this guy do, leap tall buildings in a single bound?
(The door opens, and James (played by Nicholas Cage) enters. The crowd cheers.)
James: Hi, I'm James. Julia's fiance.
Rachel: Right. Well, James. I'm Rachel, Julia's sister, and I'm in a hurry right now. Is Julia with you?
Rachel: No. Great. Look, I'm so late for work right now that you're going to have to come with me. Let me just grab some stuff and we'll be off. Wait right here. (Rachel runs into her room)
(James, a little surprised by being ditched, wanders over to Gunther's coffee shop.)
James (to Gunther): Hey. Nice day, huh.
Gunther (tidying up): Mmm, yes.
James: You know, Julia told me a lot about you.
Gunther (ignoring him): Did she really.
James: Yes. It must be interesting to see those dinosaur bones and everything. Take a look through the windows of time to the ancient history of our planet.
(Gunther freezes and gets a very odd look on his face)
James (con't): Heard about your divorce and everything. Sorry about that, but it happens to the best of us.
Gunther (starting to freak): You think I'm Ross.
James: Yes, well I just assumed. Julia can get quite descriptive from talking to Rachel and...
(Gunther buries his head in his arm and starts pounding on the counter top.)
Gunther (moaning): You think I'm Ross!
James: You're not Ross?
(Gunther starts moaning an odd "heee-heee-heeee" sound)
James (panicking): Not Ross. Not Ross. He's not Ross. Uhh.... Oh, well I should have recognized you. Dr. Drake Ramoray and everything! Silly me! So, is Tribbiani a Sicilian name?
(Gunther looks up at James for a second, then moans "huwah-huwah-huwah" sounds and sinks behind the counter.)
James (panicking some more): Oh, not Joey either I see. (thinking to himself) Ross, Joey, who was the other one? Sarcastic one, weird name. How'd that "remember thing" go? Odd name, a name can be a... a handle! That's it! (points down under counter at Gunther) You must be Chandler!
(Gunther stops moaning for a second. Then lets out an awful wail of despair usually reserved for the utterly damned.)
(Rachel enters, ready to go to work)
James: Rachel, your houseboy seems to have certain... issues.
Rachel: Oh, that's Gunther. Don't mind him. He's mostly harmless.
(Knock at the door.)
James: Oh, I bet that's Julia! Here to surprise us!
(Rachel opens it, and a Delivery Guy enters, carrying a milk steamer under one arm and a sign-in form under another)
James: Or maybe not Julia. I'm really batting a thousand today.
Delivery Guy: Who ordered the milk steamer?
(Gunther jumps up from behind the counter and runs to pick up the milk steamer)
Gunther (normal again): Right here!
Rachel: Gunther, why did you order a milk steamer?
Gunther (signing the form): Well, the milk can't steam itself Rachel. I tried to teach you that when you were working under... for me.
Delivery guy: Thank you, Mr. Bing. Have a nice day. (exits)
(Gunther takes the Milk Steamer over to the counter and starts plugging it in as Rachel and James stare at him)
Rachel: Gunther, you didn't...
Gunther: So I might have accidentally memorized the number the one time he bothered paying his check.
Rachel (smirking): Cute, Gunther. Real cute. Let's go James.
James: 'Bye... Gunther.
(Rachel and James leave, but Gunther suddenly is frozen and just stares off into space for a moment. Then he comes out from behind the counter, and goes out the window onto the balcony. Titanic music is playing in the background, getting louder and louder.)
(On the balcony, Gunther stands up on a chair, raises his arms victoriously, in full DiCaprio mode. The Titanic music swells to the climax as Gunther shouts...)
Gunther: SHE THINKS I'M CUTE!!! WOO-HOO!!!! (suddenly stops cheering and notices something across the way, pointing) Hey! Put some clothes on! And stop fixing that bike!
(Rachel's work at Bloomingdales. The section where she helps customers try on clothes. Rachel has a clipboard.)
Rachel: Come on out here, James.
(James moves out from a dressing room, wearing a very classy suit.)
James: Rachel, it's nice to let me see where you work, but I really didn't expect to have to model the clothes for the customers.
Rachel: What, it gives you a chance to see what I do for a living. Having to play Barbie and Ken Fashion Boutique for spoiled rich people with no taste in clothing.
James: Yeah, it just... well, Julia likes to play dress-up with me too. (looks a little sad)
Rachel (smiling): Aw, she likes to take you to the store and dress you in fancy suits.
James (dubiously): Yeah. That's it. Dress me in fancy suits. Fancy men's suits.
(Joey enters the room, with a whole rainbow of ties around his shoulders)
Joey: Hey, Rach.
Rachel: Joey? What are you doing here?
Joey: Well, I wanted a tie...
Rachel: You have plenty of ties.
Joey (doggedly): Well, I wanted a new one.
Rachel: Chandler wasn't around to tie it for you, was he?
Joey (ashamed): No.
(James clears his throat, not wanting to take any chances this time.)
Rachel: Oh. James, this is my next-door neighbor Joey Tribbiani. Joey, this is my sister's fiancé, James Rogers.
(James and Joey shake hands. Rachel gets a devious look on her face.)
Rachel: You know, James, I'm probably going to be really busy here today. Why don't you hang with Joey for a little while and see the city until I'm done with work.
Joey: I'm not sure...
James: Hey, that sounds great!
Rachel: All right! Off you go then.
(James and Joey start to leave, Joey a little confused how he got saddled with this guy)
James: Is Tribbiani a Sicilian name?
James: Let me tell you about the time Julia and I went camping. We got lost and wound up having to eat a raccoon to stay alive.
(Central Perk. Phoebe and Matthew are talking on the couch)
Matthew: So, the thing is, I heard your sound, and I think it's amazing.
Phoebe: Well, naturally.
Matthew: And I would love to get great kicking rhythm like that. After all, my last album only went gold.
Phoebe (shrugging): Well, of course.
Matthew: So, what I'm hoping is that... you can teach me your knack?
Phoebe (confused): My knack? (getting it) Oh, you want me to teach you how to play "My Shirona!"
Matthew: Exactly! I want you to be My Shirona! My muse! The thing that will make my sound as great as your. Will you, Phoebe? Will you be... My Shirona?
Phoebe: Okay, I've always wanted to try to teach someone to play as great as I do, just as someone once taught me. Um... you aren't going to want to pay me in sexual favors, are you?
Phoebe: Oh. (snaps her fingers in frustration) Well, I'll still do it.
(Law office. Ross enters with Liam, his lawyer, played by Liam Gallagher from the band Oasis.)
Liam: Mr. Geller, I have handled dozens of divorce cases in both England and America, and this should be no trouble at all. Don't worry about INS.
Ross: INS? I didn't marry Emily so she could stay in America.
Liam: You didn't? But you only knew her 6 weeks we you got married! What, do you think you live in the 1940s or something?
Ross: No. Anyway, I understand one of Emily's lawyers...
(Noel Gallagher, also from the band Oasis, comes into the office. The air instantly freezes.)
Ross: Hey, you two know each other?
Liam: That's my worthless brother Noel. He never had an original thought in his life so he decided to follow me to law school.
Noel: Well, Mom wanted at least one good lawyer in the family!
Ross (trying to break the tension): Huh. So, Noel, what brings you here? Another divorce case?
Noel: Yes. The Geller/Waltham divorce. I'm one of Ms. Waltham's lawyers.
Liam: Oh. Really.
Ross: Hey, if you two are brothers, won't that be a conflict of interests?
Noel: Yes, Liam. A conflict of interests. You'd better run home for tea before you soil your knickers.
Liam: No, I think you'd better bow out before I take your briefs and pull them over your head!
Ross (nervous): Now, guys, you two are brothers and...
Noel & Liam: Stay out of this!
(Ross looks nervous)
(Rachel & Monica's... Er, Rachel, Monica and Gunther's. Gunther is leaning on the counter watching TV. We can't hear or see what he's watching, but he's rapt by it. Chandler enters.)
Chandler: Uh, hey Gunther. What's up?
Gunther (distant): Hello, Chandler.
Chandler: Hey, nice milk steamer.
Gunther: Should be, considering how much it cost.
(Chandler thinks for a moment of how to talk to the Crazy Man That Lives in Monica's Kitchen)
Chandler: How's your mental health? (winces at his own question)
Gunther: Fine fine. Just watching a movie with Tony Curtis and Sydney Poitier. Something about a robbery.
Chandler (turns to watch the TV): Oh, the Defiant... Ones!
(Chandler jumps as we see the TV is playing the shower scene in Psycho. Janet Leigh screams, the knife flashes, the "Psycho" music plays, and Chandler freezes in place as he watches the Psycho shower scene with the Crazy Man That Lives in Monica's Kitchen.)
Gunther: Woah! Tony Curtis' mother just killed Sidney Poitier! How's that for a twist?
Chandler (shaken): Wow. What a shock.
(Chandler quickly takes the set of kitchen knives and hides them on the floor in front of the counter where Gunther can't see them.)
Anthony Perkins (from TV): Mother! Oh, God, Mother!
(Chandler uses the remote to turn off the TV)
Gunther: Hey, I want to see how it ends!
Chandler: Well, Tony Curtis turns his mother over to the police and lives happily ever after with Sidney Poitier's sister.
Gunther: Oh, well, that's pretty predictable. (ducks under the counter)
Chandler: Gunther, have you seen my...
(Gunther gets up from behind the counter. He is holding the chicken under one arm and the duck under another. Chandler jumps back, appalled that the Crazy Man Who Lives in Monica's Kitchen has his pets as hostages.)
Chandler: Birds! Ahh. Please don't hurt them. I'm sorry I made a scene in the restaurant and said you were a bad manager. I'm very sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. But please, please, please....
Gunther: It's okay, Chandler. They're fine. Just because you said some things about me that were not in any way shape or form true, I realize you were in an inebriated state at the time, and perhaps not completely in control of your actions.
Chandler (relieved): Well, that's nice. If I could just have back...
Gunther (con't): You know, these are very friendly birds. They sort of wandered in, and I've been talking with them during a low-time when there are few customers.
Chandler: You... talk to the birds?
Gunther: Yes, but they don't talk back since that would be crazy. What are their names?
Chandler: Well, the duck is named "Duck" and the chicken is named Yasmine.
Gunther: Yasmine? But it's a cock.
Chandler (blushing): Well...
Gunther: Yasmine is a rooster. A cock. Why would you give your cock a girl's name?
(Chandler gets a look on his face you all can probably imagine better than I could describe)
Chandler: Well, when the rooster was just a chick, I named it Yasmine.
Gunther: So, the chicken is a guy, but still named Yasmine. That's clever.
(Chandler is now wondering if Gunther is going to snap and kill his birds.)
Chandler: Well, Joey and I shortened it to Yaz. Sounds more masculine. Like Dennis Rodman's character in that Van Damme movie. Yaz. Real macho name for a chicken.
Gunther (scoffing): You guys watch Jean Claude Van Damme movies?
Chandler: Sure. Sure... It's a great way as a release. You know, watching the violence to let off some stress, 'cause if you let it build up too much over time, you might sna.... (Chandler realizes he almost said the word "snap" to a guy who recently did.) Snack. Want to eat a snack. You like Van Damme, right?
Gunther: I guess. You know, Dennis Rodman married Carmen Electra. I knew a girl named Carmen, once.
Chandler: Really. Could I have my...
Gunther: It's hard to remember, but I know she must have been pretty special to me. Because I took her to see Saigon!
Chandler (intrigued): Saigon? You took her all the way to Saigon?
Gunther: Yep! On Broadway!
Chandler: Oh. Miss Saigon.
Gunther: No, we saw the show. Saw that big helicopter come down on the stage and everything. Man, that was a great show. It has this really sad ending where she's dying and she wants to make sure her son will be raised right...
(Chandler is now certain Gunther is going to kill his birds.)
Chandler: That's sad, Gunther. Why don't you just put the birds down... slowly and...
Gunther: I really liked Carmen. I wonder what ever happened to her? She's still got my wallet, you know.
Chandler: My birds, Gunther. Now.
Gunther: What? Oh, sure, here you go.
(Gunther hands the duck and the chicken over to Chandler, who moves them back a few steps from him.)
Gunther (to the birds): Now, you boys be good to Chandler.
(The duck quacks and the chicken bucks. Chandler looks at them both, puzzled)
Chandler: Right... (starts to go) See ya Gunther. (under his breath) Positively loopy.
Gunther (cleaning the counter): Loopy? Who's loopy?
(Chandler freezes in the doorway, embarassed)
Chandler: Uh, I was thinking of... Lupi! Yes, Lupi Martinez. She works at my office.
A real positive worker! Real healthy mental attitude. Like you!
Gunther: I knew a girl in high school named Lupi. Sweet girl, that Lupi. Sweet, sweet girl.
It's a damn shame what happened with her.
(Chandler desire to get himself and his pets away from the Crazy Man Who Lives In Monica's Kitchen battles against his curiosity to find out what happened to Lupi. The curiosity wins two out of three falls.)
Chandler: Gunther... what happened to Lupi?
Gunther: She wound up working with you.
(Chandler frowns at this zing)
Chandler: Gunther, you wouldn't by any chance be related to an Eddie Goldberg, would you?
Gunther: I don't think so. Are you?
Chandler: I certainly hope not. See you around.
(Chandler leaves. Gunther is left by himself in the apartment)
Gunther (aloud): Now that I think about it... Lupi stole my wallet too.
(The hallway. Chandler goes to his apartment, muttering)
Chandler: Any chance related to Eddie Goldberg. The only way I could get that weirdo to leave was... (pause as a lightbulb goes on in Chandler's head) Of course! I am a genius! (to the duck and rooster) Your Daddy's a genius! (the duck quacks) Thanks!
(Back to the law office. Liam and Noel have stopped arguing and have resorted to fisticuffs to settle their problems. A few other lawyers have gathered around, making wagers and shouting fighting tips to each of the brothers. Ross is just leaning his head against the wall, sighing pitifully)
(Central Perk. Joey enters with James in tow. Joey has a certain look like James has been gabbing non-stop since Rachel passed him off to him.)
James: And then Julia once did this cute thing...
Joey: Great, James. Hey, Jackie.
Jackie: Hello, Joey. Joey, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but as the new manager of Central Perk, I have certain duties and responsibilities, and that just doesn't leave much room in my life for us. I am sorry. I hope we can still be friends.
Joey: Okay, cool.
(Joey and James go over to the couch.)
Joey (whispering to James): She said "doodies!" (they snicker)
(Phoebe and Matthew are still on the couch with their guitars. Matthew is strumming and singing the song "Holy War" <also from the CD Girlfriend> as Phoebe listens.)
Matthew (singing): I spent 20 years learning to live
In a world that takes back all it gives
And I do not want a war...
Phoebe: No no no! Good grief, did you just pick up a guitar yesterday? Practice your scales again. (walks away) The things I have to put up with.
Joey: Hey, Phoebe. James, this is Phoebe, a friend of mine and Rachel's. Phoebe, this is James, Rachels sister Julia's fiancé.
Phoebe (quickly): That's nice. (grabbing Joey) Come with me, Joey.
(James, finding himself abandoned, hooks up with Matthew.)
James: Hey, I'm James.
Matthew: I'm Matthew, James.
(Joey and Phoebe huddle near the stage)
Phoebe: Joey, you've got to help me. I'm trying, but if this guy gets much better he's going to take my place on the stage. You've got to pick him up for me and distract him from practicing.
Joey: What? I already picked up James! I can't pick up two guys at once! Well, I could if I wanted to, but do I have to now?
Phoebe: Joey, please?
(Suddenly Chandler runs into Central Perk.)
Chandler: Joey, I know how we can get rid of Monica's new tenant, but we've got to work fast.
Joey: Uh, okay. (Calling to James) James, why don't you hang out with Phoebe and her student for a little while, huh?
(Chandler and Joey book out of Central Perk. Phoebe is left alone.)
(Phoebe goes back over to James and Matthew. Matthew is now singing a song about Julia for James. He's singing it really well, which distresses Phoebe.)
(Back to Rachel and Monica's... er Rachel, Monica, and Gunther's apartment.)
(Gunther enters the apartment, carrying bags of milk. He sees that Joey is behind the counter in the little coffee shop set up, wearing his apron. Chandler is seated at the table, drinking a coffee as casual as possible. Gunther looks at Joey for a second, who pretending to wipe down the counter and do other coffee shop manager-type things. Joey "notices" Gunther.)
Joey: Oh, hey. (whips the rag around a bit to look professional) What you got there?
Gunther: It's milk. For the milk steamer.
Joey: Oh, well you can just leave it on the counter. (goes pack to wiping the counter)
Gunther: Joey... what are you doing in my coffee shop?
Joey: You must be mistaken. This is my coffee shop. Always has been. You can just drop of the milk and go to wherever you were supposed to go. (Gunther doesn't move) Well, bye now.
(Gunther stares at Joey. It is a hard, hard stare. Joey tries to ignore it, but the stare is too hard.)
Joey (freaking): Okay, okay!
(Joey takes off the apron and runs out from behind the counter. Gunther slowly goes behind the counter and starts unpacking the milk for the milk steamer)
Joey (hyper and afraid): Okay, okay. It's just that Chandler had this roommate once who didn't leave and we thought it would be a good idea to pretend he was never there to begin with and I was still there the whole time and maybe it would work with you and I just went behind the counter and Chandler's idea it was all Chandler's idea...
Gunther (simply): Behind the counter is an employees-only section.
Joey (still hyper): Oh yes of course I know it's an employees section because you told me it's an employee only section and I wouldn't be behind there if I wasn't an employee and the only reason I was behind there was because...
(Gunther stares at Joey again. Joey makes a pathetic sounding whimper and runs out of the apartment. Gunther starts pouring milk into the milk steamer. Chandler, who has been watching this, just sighs and then leaves.)
(A bar. Noel and Liam are at a table, knocking back shots and hugging each other, each saying what a great brother and great lawyer the other is. We can't really understand what they're saying. Ross is also at the table, looking very, very miserable.)
Ross: I am never getting divorced ever again. Even remaining trapped in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life isn't worth this hassle.
(Noel and Liam laugh, cry and fall out of their chairs.)
(The outside of the building where Chandler, Joey, Monica and Rachel live. Rachel comes up and sees James sitting alone on the stoop. He has a forlorn expression on his face that would put Ross' to shame.)
Rachel: James? What's wrong, James?
James (sad): Oh, Rachel. Hi. I thought you had work...
Rachel: Work's over, James. I can finally spend time with you. But what's wrong?
James: It's... Julia.
(Rachel gets her "Oh, no!" look.)
Rachel: What? Did you two have a fight?
James: A fight? No. It's that... she won't be able to come out for a few days.
Rachel: Oh. Oh! Gosh, I'm sorry.
James: Yeah, it's just... this is going to sound silly... But we're never apart from each other that long... I know it's only going to be a few days but...
Rachel (sympathetic): Oh, hey, hey. (gives him a hug) It's all right.
James: Your sister... (wistful sigh) She's the most.
Rachel: The most?
James: The most.
Rachel: Wow. Never really thought of Julia as ever being someone's most. She was just the little brat who would follow me on my dates and report back to our parents. Unless I paid her $50 bucks.
James: I heard it was $25.
Rachel: No, it was only $25 if my date and I were kissing. It was 50 if... Look, why don't we walk around the block and talk a bit. Tell me how you and Julia met.
James (smiling): I'd... I'd like that. And then you can tell me what it was you paid her $100 not to tell your parents about.
(Rachel laughs at this and they start around the block)
(Rachel and Monica's--- um, Rachel, Monica and Gunther's place. Gunther is testing out his milk steamer as Monica enters the apartment.)
Monica: Gunther, I have some good news... is that a milk steamer?
Gunther: Better be, considering how much it cost.
Monica: Anyway, I've been thinking. If this is now your coffee shop, don't you think you should have some customers other than the six of us?
Gunther: Oh, I do.
(The bathroom door opens, and Mr. Treeger, the super, comes out, drying his hands.)
Mr. Treeger: Hey, Miss Geller. You've got some nice soap in there, you know.
Monica (wincing): My special soaps. My beautiful, scented special soaps.
Mr. Treeger: Very nice. My hands now smell like lavender!
Gunther: Would you like some steamed milk with your latte, Mr. Treeger?
Mr. Treeger: That's very gracious of you, Gunther.
Monica: Okay, that's it. Gunther, I know you're going through some... issues right now, so I thought you could use some people who actually care about you to help you out.
Mr. Treeger: I care. I can understand feeling unappreciated and undervalued by six self-absorbed people who can't live without you even though they'll never admit it.
Gunther (touched): Oh, that's very sweet. I'm so glad you understand.
Monica (irked): So, I thought I would find some people who would have the responsibility to help you out instead of moving into their kitchen. So, I thought I would get a person who might not mind so much if you took over their kitchen. (game show announcer) Let's see if you remember this voice...
Gladys (From behind door): Get out of the nice lady's kitchen, you doofus.
Gunther: Oh, in the name of everything decent and holy, do not open that door.
(Monica opens the door. Behind it, we see Gladys (played Amanda Gracen, from Highlander: The Raven). From the platinum blonde close-cropped hair and pastel colored clothes, it's not a
big leap to assume Gladys is Gunther's sister.)
Monica (game show announcer): That's right, Gunther. It's your sister, Gladys.
Mr. Treeger: Wow! There's really not that much of a family resemblance. No offense.
Gunther and Gladys: None taken. (glaring at each other) Believe me, none taken!
Monica: Yes, your sister. Your sister, who is your family. Who can take responsibility for you. Who might let you move into their kitchen and rearrange everything really... really well.
Gladys: Hey, you just said get him out of here. Nothing about me having to take care of him.
Gunther: I can take care of myself.
Gladys: Please. Your pet rock died.
Gunther: That's because you killed it.
Gladys: There was never any evidence linking me to that.
Monica: Now, now. Certain childhood rivalries shouldn't be bought into the foreground now...
Gladys: So, you finally lost your marbles, huh? I always told Mom you'd be the one to crack first.
Gunther: You leave her out of this. And what did you call that summer you spent "in the country" after that straight razor accident?
Monica (worried): Straight razor accident?
(The milk steamer suddenly starts going, churning and steaming rather ominously as Gunther and Gladys stare each other down. Monica gets her "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea" look.)
Gunther: Monica, get out.
Gladys: It might be for the best if you left.
Monica: I'm not going to just...
Gunther: Both of you should leave. Now.
Mr. Treeger: Maybe we should go. Let them reminisce.
(Monica notices the looks of pure loathing Gunther and Gladys are giving each other as the milk steamer starts vibrating slightly, and freaks)
Monica: Good idea. Okay, going. Going out of my own apartment. My apartment. (moves towards the door)
Mr. Treeger (noticing something): Oh, hey. (leans down and picks up the knifes where Chandler put them earlier) Here, these should go on the counter. Someone could hurt themselves.
(Gladys and Gunther glare at each other, look at the knife rack, then glare at each other again. The milk steamer keeps steaming as the door shuts.)
(In the hallway outside the apartment. Suddenly loud music starts blaring from the apartment, even though we can also hear loud thuds against the apartment wall.)
Mr. Treeger: Isn't it cute the way brothers and sisters fight?
Monica: I... I think they're killing each other!
Mr. Treeger: Hey, I used to pretend to kill my brother all the time. It was fun!
(There is a bloodcurdling scream from inside the apartment. Whether it's Gladys or Gunther is hard to tell. Monica gasps.)
Mr. Treeger (nostalgic): Ah, memories. I should call my brother more often.
(Joey opens the door to his apartment and comes out into the hall)
Joey: What's going on? (notices the thumping and loud music) Are you guys having a party? All right! (runs over and opens the door)
Monica: Joey, wait, don't...
Joey (looking inside): My God... Gunther's trying to kill... a female version of himself!
(Joey runs into the apartment. There is a loud splash and Joey screaming. He staggers through the doorway)
Joey: My eyes! My eyes! I've got steamed milk in my eyes! (staggers back into the apartment, shutting the door)
Gladys (from inside the apartment): THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!
(There are a few rather final sounding thumps and thuds, then the music stops.)
(The door to Monica's apartment opens. Gunther and Gladys come out, looking eerily calm. Gunther is holding a red cup of coffee, while Gladys is holding a yellow cup of coffee.)
Gunther and Gladys (sing song): Oh, Monica?
Monica (hesitantly): Yes?
Gunther: I prepared a cup of cappuccino. And Gladys prepared a cup of cappuccino.
Monica (hesitantly): Yes?
Gladys: Take a sip of Gunther's which may or may not be the one he's holding, and take a sip of mine, which may or may not be the one I'm holding. Then tell us which one tastes better.
Gunther: Here you go. (puts the cups in Monica's hands)
(Gunther and Gladys smile very creepy smiles at Monica. Monica gets a look of pure fear)
Monica: Uh, would you like to try some cappuccinos, Mr. Treeger?
Mr. Treeger: Sure!
(Mr. Treeger takes a sip of each cappuccino. Gunther and Gladys look very interested in which cup he likes better. Monica has a look like Mr. Treeger is going to drop dead in the middle of her hallway.)
Mr. Treeger (trying each cappuccino): Mmmm. Mmmm. (holds up the red cup) This one.
Red cup. It's got the certain zing. Can I keep the cups?
Mr. Treeger: Thanks. (leaves with the cups)
(Gladys and Gunther each sigh sadly. The look at each other for a moment. Monica thinks the Crazy Man Who Lives In Her Kitchen will leave and looks hopeful.)
Gladys (leaving): Good bye Gunther. Maybe I'll run into you again sometime. And then I'll back up the bus and run into you yet again.
Monica: But, but...
Gunther (waving): Good bye Gladys. Have a nice life. Don't run over any land mines or anything.
Monica: I don't understand. Which cappucino did you fix? Which one won? Did you win? Did she win?
Gunther (shaking his head): It's all about winning with you, isn't it Monica?. Sad, really. You shouldn't be so competitive. You'll give yourself a breakdown, and then where will you be?
(Delivery Guy enters with a sack full of biscotti)
Delivery Guy: Did someone order a hundred biscotti?
(Joey crawls out of Monica's apartment on his knees with his hands over his eyes)
Joey: Blind! Blind! Blind!
Gunther: I'll sign for it. (does so)
Delivery Guy: Thank you, Mr. Bing.
(Joey is staggering around on his knees, waving his arms)
Joey: Chandler? Is Chandler there? Help me! Give me something.
Delivery Guy: Okay.
(Delivery guy places the sack of biscotti in Joey's arms and leaves. Joey starts kneeling around carrying a sack of biscotti like it was a dead body)
Joey (wailing): Oh, dear God! CHAAAAAAAAANDLERRRRRRRRR!
Gunther (to Monica): Well, back to my coffee shop.
(Gunther enters the apartment. Monica is left in shock, as Joey keeps "kneeling" around the hallway, crying and holding the sack of biscotti)
(James and Rachel come up the hallway.)
Rachel: Y'know we just saw a woman who could be Gunther's sister.
Monica: Imagine that.
(James and Rachel take a second to watch Joey, moaning and crying over the dead sack of biscotti)
James: Hey, I've always wanted to see an actor deep in rehearsal. Neat. Is this Oedipus?
Monica: Well, the guy living in my kitchen is a real... Oedipus.
Rachel: Monica, I've got news. Juila won't be out here for a few days, and I didn't want James staying at a hotel so...
Rachel: Oh, I knew you'd agree!
James: I'm so glad I can stay with you until Julia get to town. C'mere, roomie!
(James gives Monica a big hug. Monica looks very displeased)
James: Oh, I want to get the best spot on the couch right away! (runs into the apartment)
(Joey, still moaning, starts pounding on the sack of biscotti like a paramedic)
Joey: Live! Live, Chandler, live!
Rachel: Isn't this great, Monica?
Monica: Sleep with one eye open, Green!
(They go into the apartment. Joey keeps wailing and pounding, popping the sack open. Joey fingers through the biscotti, and starts wailing even louder. Chandler exits his apartment, looks at Joey for a second, then goes back inside.)
(Closing Credits. The street at night. The Gang plus James are walking along.)
Joey (his eyes better): It was really embarrassing.
Chandler: Oh, no. If I ever really do burst open and all the biscotti fall out of me, I would want you there to try and stuff them back in.
James: It's really cool that you're taking me out to see the city at night. The buildings are so tall.
Monica: Oh, we have wonderful buildings. You know, the best ones are hotels.
Ross: So what ever happened to your student, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Well, I was able to ditch him at last, and I doubt he'll be trying out for Central Perk again soon but...
(We hear the sound of a guitar.)
Phoebe: Oh. Oh, no.
Monica: Hey, that sounds like...
All: Smelly Cat?
(We see Matthew, performing in the street on his guitar. It should be noted that his appearance has changed. He's now turned himself into a near clone of Phoebe, only slightly more masculine)
Matthew (singing to tune of Smelly Cat): Belly Hat, belly hat, colored like malt...
Phoebe (melodramatically): Go... as fast as you can.
(The gang plus James all run away in the opposite direction. Matthew sees this, stops playing, and calls after them, forlorn)
Matthew: Phoebe, wait! I... I can be nutty and do dumb puns and use humor as a defense mechanism, just like the rest of you! There's no reason why I can't! I-I'm weird and that results in creativity! Phoebe?
(Noel and Liam, drunken and laughing, stagger by Matthew. Then they both pass out in the street in front of him.)
Go To Part I