The One With the Sniffles

Part 1

By: Shasha

SCENE 1 - MONICA AND RACHEL’S APARTMENT: Monica is alone, cleaning the kitchen; Joey suddenly bursts through the door, dragging a semi-unconscious Chandler inside the apartment.

MNCA: Oh my god! Joey, what happened to Chandler? (quickly helps Joey carry Chandler unto the couch)

JOEY: (looks very calm) Take it easy, Mon. Chandler’s going to be fine. He must have caught some virus or something.

MNCA: (worried) He couldn’t have gotten it in MY apartment. I just cleaned the whole thing TWO whole times!

JOEY: (consoling) Of course you did. (frowns, as if deep in thought) Maybe it had something to do with the elephant food he just ate.

MNCA: You let him eat ELEPHANT FOOD???!!!

JOEY: (defensive) It wasn’t my fault! See, I got a part in this DUMBO elephant food commercial. (looking proud of himself) So the producers asked me if I wanted any free samples. (pauses) I took a whole sack of it. You know how freebies always seem to scream "TAKE ME TAKE ME!" at me. I felt sorry for them. (looks at Monica guiltily)

MNCA: (beat) Joey, what are you going to do with a lifetime supply of elephant food?

JOEY: What else? (looks at Monica as if she should have known the answer) Feed it to little Yasmine, of course! It has real liver pieces in it, so she can always stay nice and healthy.

MNCA: (sarcastic) Joey, you don’t feed certain foods to animals when that food is bigger than the animal herself!

JOEY: (defiantly) I’ll chop it up a bit. The chick should not be a prick! (wags his fingers)

MNCA: (rolls her eyes) Ok, whatever.

JOEY: It’s not my fault! Chandler ate the whole thing up before I could even tell him what it was!

MNCA: (sighs) I know that you never meant for this to happen, Joey.

JOEY: You bet I didn’t. I even tried to stop him from eating it before I realized what it was! I already told him that those liver chunks looked a lot like bugs….

(shot of Chandler turning green.)


SCENE 2 – STILL IN THE GIRLS’ APARTMENT: Ross, Rachel and Phoebe arrived. Monica is feeding Chandler some chicken soup, Joey is pacing around the room.

RACH: (strokes Chandler’s head) Poor Chandler…you look terrible….(Chandler gives her a look)

PHOE: Monica? Can I feed Chandler now?

MNCA: Sure, Pheebs. (gives her the bowl)

PHOE: Ooh, great. This is going to be so much fun!

(Everyone, including Chandler, looks at her strangely)

CHAN: (groaning) OOH! Joey, come over here and let me…(gives Joey his usual What-the-hell-did-you-get-me-into looks) spit on you….

ALL: Eeeewwwww

PHOE: Great. I feed you soup, and you just want to just….throw it back out. I’m trying to do a good deed here, you know.

CHAN: (through gritted teeth) Sorry Pheebs. Could you just…lift my leg a little….and aim it on Joey’s HEAD?

PHOE: Oh, I can’t do that. Do you want me to massage your leg instead?

CHAN: Uhhh…no thanks

JOEY: Um, Monica. Can I talk to you for a sec?

MNCA: Sure, Joey. (They go to the kitchen.) What’s wrong?

JOEY: Well…remember about the part in the DUMBO commercial I got? Well, I have to go to L.A. for a couple of days to film it. I can’t take care of Chandler at the same time, so….(looks at Monica hopefully)

MNCA: Of course I can take care of Chandler. Don’t worry about it.

JOEY: Thanks, Mon. (hugs Monica) You know, Chandler depends on me. Maybe I SHOULD stay for a few days…

CHAN: (in a VERY sick voice) Monica? Do you have a REALLY deep basin? I need it to….do SOMETHING.

JOEY: (quickly)…but-I’m-sure-you-have-anything-under-control-so-I-can-leave-for-L.A.-tomorrow. Thanks, Mon. You’re the best. (gives Monica a big hug; Monica smiles knowingly)

(Chandler clutches his stomach and moans at the pain.)

MNCA: Okay, that’s enough suffering. Let me call Dr. Lewis, our family physician.

ROSS: Mon, he’s dead. He had indigestion.

MNCA: Oh yeah. We joined this pie-eating contest together when I was in junior high….


RACH: Dr. Lewis was my doctor too! How about you, Joey? Who’s yours?

JOEY: Dr. Carpaccio. He only lives on broiled German sausages. He’s a really fat man…

MNCA: Okay, where is he?

JOEY: Germany.

PHOE: Well, I don’t have a doctor. I believe that the body will heal itself… (coughs a little)…in the proper time.

MNCA: (uncertainly) I guess there’s still one person to call….

RACH: Really? Who?

MNCA: Richard.

CHAN: (groaning) Oh, nooooo.

PHOE: Isn’t he an eye doctor or something?

MNCA: Yeah, but…he’s still a doctor. (Everyone was silent) I’ll call Richard now…

Chandler opens his mouth in protest, but Monica went to her room to call.

PHOE: Ok, Ross, it’s your turn to feed Chandler. I didn’t have much fun because Chandler threw it all up but I wish you the very best.

Everyone puts on fake smiles. (Chandler rolls his eyes and groans again)

Part 2

SCENE 3 – SAME PLACE: Richard now enters the scene, examining Richard. Chandler is trying not to grimace.

RICH: (smiles at Monica warmly) He’s going to be fine, Monica. I’m going to prescribe some medicine for the pain, but all he really needs is lots of rest.

MNCA: Uh…thanks Richard. I’ll make sure he gets that. (stands up to usher Richard out)

They stand by the door. The gang eagerly tries to listen to the conversation.

RICH: (takes Monica’s hand) I’m glad you called, Monica. I’ve always wanted to see you again.

MNCA: (gently removes her hand from Richard’s grasp) Um…you too. So, see ya…

RICH: I’ll come by and visit again…to see how Chandler’s doing, ok?

MNCA: Okay…thanks. (Richard leaves, Monica breathes a sigh of relief)

RACH: (goes over to Monica) So…did he ask you out?

(Chandler snorts, then pulls his blanket over his head)

MNCA: No! Rachel, I’m SO over Richard. Why are you asking me this?

RACH: Yeah, right.

MNCA: I am!

RACH: Okay, honey. Calm down. I was just kidding. Come on, let’s take care of Chandler. He hasn’t looked this bad since Joey stood in front of the t.v. set, naked, while Chandler was watching Baywatch.

MNCA: (smiles) He looked so cute when he was hyperventilating.

Rachel looks at her in surprise. Monica quickly turned around and headed to the kitchen.



Part 3

NEXT DAY: Joey went to L.A. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe went to work. Monica and Chandler are alone. Chandler is better.

CHAN: Thanks for taking care of me, Mon. I really appreciate it.

MNCA: (ruffles Chandler’s hair lovingly) It’s nothing. You’re my best friend, and I’m sure you would have done the same for me.

They smile at each other.

MNCA: (gives a hotdog and a napkin to Chandler) Are you sure you’re well enough to eat this?

CHAN: (takes the hotdog and eats it greedily) Come on, Mon. All I’ve eaten here is chicken soup, and…..chicken soup….and…some more chicken soup.

MNCA: (defensive) I was serving you porridge, but you spewed it all up.

CHAN: That was porridge???? I thought it was mushy chicken soup.

MNCA: (swats at him playfully, then giggles) You’ve got mustard all over your face!

She leans over and tries to remove the dollop of mustard around Chandler’s mouth, and they stare into each other’s eyes for a moment. Chandler leans over and they kiss passionately. Monica kicks back her shoes and lays atop Chandler on the couch.

MNCA: Chandler, we can’t do this..(still kissing him)

CHAN: Sure we can…I’m cured!

They are still making out when Rachel enters with a bag of groceries in her hand.


Chandler and Monica both look up, surprised. Monica hastily buttons up her shirt. Chandler hides under the covers.

MNCA: Ummm….Oh! Thank you, Chandler. I’ll remove that coffee stain behind the pillows later.

CHAN: (still hiding) Thanks. I….I’m glad I saw that under here.

MNCA: (smiles sheepishly) Hi Rachel! Thanks for the groceries. I’ll-just-put-this-away-right-now. (quickly begins to remove the contents of the paper bags and not looking at Rachel)

RACH: (smiles slyly) You guys didn’t….YOU DID! YOU DID! Oh my god I don’t believe this!

MNCA: Oh come on, Rach. Be quiet! It just….happened. Don’t ever tell anyone about this. Promise?

RACH: Oh…my….god!

CHAN: I can’t believe how much you sound like Janice.

MNCA: Rachel, why don’t you go to your room? NOW.

RACH: (nods and walks to her room) Oh…my…god!

The door closes, Chandler and Monica look at each other, embarrassed.

CHAN: Uh, look Mon…I’m sorry. I got carried away.

MNCA: It’s partly my fault, Chandler. Let’s just forget this whole thing ever happened.

CHAN: I can’t forget about it, Monica. I love you….hell, I’ve loved you so much all these years, but I just couldn’t tell you. I was…scared.

MNCA: (looks at him, surprised) You…were?

CHAN: Yes. What about….you?

MNCA: (looks at him for a moment in awe) What do you think, Chandler? Yes! I love you too. More than you’ll ever know. (They hug and kiss)

Rachel is peeping at them from the bedroom door.

RACH: (whispering to herself) Oh…my…god! (smiles)



Scene 5 – CENTRAL PERK: Chandler and Monica are holding hands as they told the gang about their newfound "relationship". Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are listening eagerly

MNCA: …and so….(looks at Chandler lovingly)

CHAN: …we just made out…(grins at Monica)

Monica slaps his hand playfully.

PHOE: Oh, that is so romantic! Yay for both of you!

RACH: I’m so happy for you, Mon!

ROSS: Oh…my…god!

Rachel looks at Ross for a moment. She kisses him.

RACH: I’m so glad you said that.

ROSS: Me too. (They smile at each other)

JOEY: I KNEW I should have TASTED that elephant food…

-THE END (at last! J )-