The One With The Smelly Carrot
Written by: Chandler
Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and
NBC and Warner Brothers. I mean no
infringement and make no profit.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. It is morning, Monica and Rcahel both run
out
of their rooms, holding their noses. Wearing their nightgowns.]
Monica: What is that?
Rachel: This is where chandler should butt in with one of his sarcastic comments!
Monica: The smell is disgusting!
Rachel: Go and get changed, then we’ll go over Joey and Chandler’s.
Monica: Why get changed?
Rachel: (gives Monica a glare)
Opening Credits
(Scene: Chandler and Joey’s. Chandler and Joey are eating breakfast as the ones
with the
smelly apartment rush in.)
Rachel: Do you guys smell anything wierd?
Chandler: Uh, no!
Monica: You should! Your apartmant wreaks!
Rachel: No, Joey farted.
Joey: Yeah...
Chandler: What’s up, then?
Rachel: There is a really bad smell in our apartment!
(Ross comes in, holding his nose.)
Ross: What’s happened? You place smells nearly as bad as this place!
Chandler and Joey: (glare at him)
Joey: What does it smell of?
Rachel: Like we said, like this place!
Joey: My gas doesn’t linger that long! I haven’t been in there since last night!
Monica: We know! Just come in with us!
(Chandler and Joey abandon their breakfast, and all head for the door, Joey grabs his
cereal hesitantly, and rushes after them.)
(Cut to Monica and Rcahel’s apartment. Joey is so shocked by the smell he drops
his
cereal.)
Joey: No!
Monica: Now it will smell worse! Milk!
Chandler: It wreaks in here!
Ross: The worst smell seems to be coming from the kitchen.
(They all start searching through the cupboards. Ross pulls out this green thing in the
shape of a carrot. He throws it onto the kitchen table. Chandler and Joey step swiftly
back.)
Chandler and Joey: Ugh!
(Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Argh! Argh! So you found out I broke your lamp, Monica! But you don’t have
to
kill me!
Monica: You did it?!
Phoebe: Chandler dared me!
Chandler: (complete shock) Me??
Phoebe: Are you trying to choke yourselves, because you are young, and you have lives
ahead of you! (points to Ross) And you have a kid!
Rachel: We’re not trying to commit suicide, this thing just smells!
Phoebe: Joey’s got a new nickname?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey is there as Monica and Rachel enter.]
All: Hi.
Joey: So, what did you do with the deformed carrot?
Rachel: We took it down to the trash chute, but Mr. Treeger fainted at the scent of it,
so
we brought it back up, and put it in a jar of water.
Monica: With a lid on.
Joey: Yeah, so, anyway, Chandler called me from work.
Rachel: Gosh, how exciting!
Joey: No, his floor was burned down at work.
Monica: So, he doesn’t get payed for a few weeks.
Joey: Oh, yeah! He claimed he had his laptop with him, and that it got burned.
Rachel: How much is a laptop?
Joey: Well, they can be up to $20 000.
Monica: Huh, so, he’s going to be living it up, then?
Joey: Oh, yeah!
Rachel: What’s he going to do with it?
Joey: First thing he said, is, he’s going to buy some cushions for the recliners.
Monica: Then, when he’ll get comfortable, he’ll blow all his money on pizza.
Joey: No! He’s going to buy you a ring!
Monica: Really?
Joey: No, but it was a good joke, huh?
Monica: I’m going to get a shower.
All: Bye.
(Monica exits. Rachel and Joey’s conversation is said really fast because Rachel
wants to
leave.)
Rachel: What type of ring?
Joey: Three diamonds.
Rachel: Why?
Joey: Just wanted to.
Rachel: Real reason?
Joey: Broke her favourite shoes, heel snapped off.
Rachel: That was me.
Joey: He thought it was him.
Rachel: Bye.
Joey: Night.
(Rachel exits as Chandler comes in excited and pulls out the ring, it is lovely!)
Joey: Woah!
Chandler: Yeah, that’s what I said.
Joey: No, the light reflected off it and shone in my eyes.
Chandler: Huh.
Joey: How much was it?
Chandler: 1 and a half thousand.
Joey: One and a half thousand wasted!
Chandler: Huh?
Joey: Rachel broke the shoes.
Chandler: Argh!
Joey: Yeah, Rachel just told me!
Chandler: I hate Rachel!
Joey: Yeah, you hate Rachel!
(Chandler runs out of the door, carrying the ring, and barges into Monica and
Rachel’s
apartment. Monica and Rachel are there. Chandler angrily hands Rachel the ring and
turns to Monica. Rachel opens it up and gasps. He turns round and grabs it.)
Chandler: Wrong person. (hands it to Monica, and turns angrily to Rachel. Monica is in
complete and utter shock.)
Monica: I gotta sit down.
(Monica sits down and Chandler then starts to scream at Rachel...)
Chandler: I hate you!
Monica: (dreamy) I love you!
Chandler: I thought I broke Monica’s favourite shoes!
Monica: (still dreamy) You did, and I forgave you.
Chandler: (to Monica) You were drunk, OK?
Rachel: Don’t say it.
Chandler: You broke Monica’s favourite shoes!
Monica: (points to Chandler, dreamy)) I love you! (points at Rachel, disgustedly) I
hate
you!
Rachel: I, I, uh, didn’t mean it.
Monica: I didn’t mean to get drunk, neither, but I forgave Chandler, and I
can’t go back
on that!
Rachel: I have a bottle of tequila in the fridge!
Monica: Agh! first Phoebe, then my boyfriend and best friend in conjunction!!!!!!!
Chandler: (shocked) But I didn’t do it!
(Phoebe enters and hears Monica’s scream and runs out.)
Rachel: Look what you’ve done! You’ve wrecked her!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Chandler comes into Joey, carrying two
brown
envelopes. it is the next morning. He chucks one at Joey.]
Joey: Money! (examines it)
Chandler: Yes, a thousand!
(They hug.)
Joey: Thanks, man!
Chandler: That’s OK. You bought me a recliner! So, look what I bought!
(The door opens and two delivery men enter carrybing a bigger recliner. Chandler signs
for it, and then they leave.)
Joey: Agh! (he looks hurt)
Chandler: What’s wrong, man?
Joey: Are mine not good enough? Huh?!
Chandler: Yeah, but -
(Joey storms out.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Ross enters to Monica and Joey.]
All: Hi!
Ross: Ok, guys, I want you to meet someone.
(Ross opens the door to a beautiful woman. Joey looks really happy.)
Joey: You remembered my birthday!
All: No. Sorry, man. Forgot, slipped my mind.
Ross: Guys, this is Crystal.
All: Hi!
Crystal: So, who’s who?
Ross: That,s Joey, and that’s my sister, Monica.
(Chandler enters.)
Joey: And he’s the rich snob!
Rich Snob/Chandler: Hey, it was a present for us, man! It was to share! We could put
outr
feet up on one of the old recliners!
Joey: So, mine are good for your stinking feet!
Monica: He is right, they do smell!
(Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Argh! You released the carrot!
Joey: No, Chandler’s, uh, not wearing any shoes.
Phoebe: Don’t ever ask for a foot massage!
Crystal: Yeah, you do smell.
Chandler: And who are you, Woman With Really Thin Thighs!? (realises) But not thinner
than Monica’s!
Monica: Thankyou!
(She hugs him and he flinches in pain.)
Chandler: Ugh!
Monica: What’s wrong?
(They both realise one of the diamonds has diggen into his back.)
Ross/Crystal: Bye!
Else: Bye!
(They exit.)
Monica: Guys, do you think you should make up?
Joey: No, I had money, but I shared it, and now he’s flaunting it around! I didn’t do that!
Chandler: No! You didn’t! And do you know why I only bought one of those
recliners?!
Because I couldn’t afford another one!
Joey: I’ll be friends with you if you give me that recliner!
Chandler: Take it!
Both: Fine! (shake hands)
(Joey leaves.)
Monica: How much?
Chandler: $10 000. (horror) I’m gonna pass out.
[Scene: Ross’s apartment. Ross and Crystal have just finished their food and are
sat on
the couch. They kiss.]
Ross: So, how do you know Susan?
Crystal: Well, I beat her up in school, then she saw me, told me to come round for a
cup
of coffee as, like, a reunion, then you came in as she was just about to throw the coffee
over me.
Ross: So I’m, like, a hero?
Crystal: Yeah. You’re my knight in shining armour. (after) I want you to dress up
like a
knight.
Ross: Huh?
Crystal: Yeah.
(She pulls out a cloth knight suit. She hands it to him. He looks horrified.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. All are there as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey!
Chandler: Have you come to burn down my castle?
Ross: Huh?
Phoebe: Yes, but make sure I get out, please!
Ross: You’re scaring me!
Monica: It’s just that the photo of you reminded me of when you did that as a kid.
Ross: Tell me!
Joey: (throws a newspaper at him) Read the family notices.
(Ross turns the page and looks really horrified. He remembers the time when he was a
little kid, dressed up as a knight, then he remembers the night before. Cut back to his
face.)
Ross: This had better be a local paper!
All: NATIONAL!
[Scene: Chandler is walking down the street with a couple of brown envelopes.]
Chandler: (voiceover) Hmm. I bet none of these people have five grand stuffed down
their
pockets. I’ll just pull them out, act big, flash my money. And I’m flashing!
I’ve flashed!
I’m flashing again! Again! Again! That’s enough, Mr. I Have Loads Of Money! You
just
have to be modest, cool. Flash! Flash!
(Chandler falls to the floor when someone completely dressed in black mugs him and
takes the envelopes. He makes a really ponsy grab for them but ends up falling down
again. This is supposed to be funny.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Joey and Monica are there as Chandler and
Phoebe enter. Chandler looks distraught.]
Chandler: (voiceover) Flash! I’m flashing my money! Lots and lots of money! Money!
Flash! Money! Flash! Flash! Flash!
Phoebe: Stop dreaming!
Chandler: Huh?
Phoebe: I can read your mind!
Chandler: Oh.
Phoebe: Monica, your boyfriend is day dreaming about Mariah Carey.
Chandler: A man has to have that!
Monica: What’s wrong, Chandler?
Phoebe: I’ll read his mind.
Both: (Chandler is trying to beat Phoebe and Phoebe is trying to win. Chandler
doesn’t
want Phoebe to say it before him.) I got mugged because I was flashing round my money,
I tried to fight him off, but-
Phoebe: I made a crap attempt!
Both: (Chandler wins) He took my money, someone chased after him, because I
couldn’t
walk, but they lost him. I told the police and they said they’d try and get it but
not to hold
my hopes up.
Chandler: Ha ha! I beat you! (dances his dance) I win! I win!
Phoebe: Yes, you did. But, however much you dream, you did not beat me at Scrabble
last night.
[Scene: Crystal’s apartment. Crystal and Woman are watching TV. Crystal
opens the
door to a very angry Ross. She’s about to tell him to come in but he barges in,
knocks off
the TV. Woman looks shocked. He turns to her.]
Ross: I need to shout! I can’t shout over that thing!
Crystal: What do you want, Ross!?
Ross: I want to ask why you did that!
Crystal: Well, after I beat Susan up, I got transferred to the same school as you.
Crystal
Norwaser. I got married.
Ross: Are you the one that I threw down the side of the mountain?
Crystal: Yes! Yes! Yes! And I’ve got you back! Everyone in the country is going to
see
you dressed up like a fool!
(Ross hurries out and is on the verge of crying.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Joey and Monica are there as Phoebe enters.]
Joey: Hi.
Phoebe: Monica! Every time you see me you think of your lamp! I did not do it on
purpose! And Joey, I don’t like thongs!
Joey: I’m sorry, Pheebs.
Monica: Phoebe, I don’t mean to be horrible, but, you’ll have to stop reading
our minds.
We need our privacy!
Phoebe: Hello to you, too! But, I tell you, get that thought out of your mind! I am not
paying for a new one! And yes, I do know that it was very dear! It was your
grandmothers!? Oh, no! (angrily) To you, too!
(Phoebe storms out.)
Joey: What did you say?
Monica: It was pretty much everything from that swear dictionary you bought.
Joey: (laughs)
(Ross enters.)
Ross: If you’re laughing at me, it’s mean.
Joey: No, just at Monica! (laughs)
Monica: It wasn’t that funny!
Joey: The word on the seventh page was! (laughs harder)
Ross: Anyway, I just walked through te street.
Monica: Is that why the whole of your face is really red?
Ross: Yes. So is the fact that my leg has turned purple, with people kicking me.
Joey: Why were they doing that?
Ross: Do you remember when Pink Floyd got attacked because he was funny?
Joey: Yeah, yeah, (laughs)!
(Chandler enters with Rachel.)
Chandler/Rachel: Hi!
Else: Hi!
Rachel: Hey, Monica, what’s that smell?
Monica: The carrot is beginning to smell.
Rachel: Oh, God!
Monica: I’m just taking some rubbish to the dump.
(Monica leaves with some rubbish.)
Joey: (still laughing) You did it, didn’t you?
Rachel: Yes! I chipped it!
Chandler: How?
Rachel: I dropped a toffee hammer on it.
Joey: (intrigued) What did you use that for?
Rachel: Think about it.
(Joey goes deep into thought.)
Ross: So, have the police found anything, you know, the money, the mugging, the
embarrassment...
Chandler: (laughs) One to talk!
Rachel: So, still hating Crystal?
Ross: Yes!
(Monica comes back in, still holding the rubbish. She dumps it down.)
Monica: He accused me of hiding it in one of the bags.
Rachel: Wouldn’t he have smelled it?
Monica: No, he would have passed out!
Joey: So, what did you use the potato hammer for?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Joey is in bed, he wakes up and looks like
Monica and Rachel did when they smelled the carrot. He sees the carrot in the jar. He
gets up, takes the jar, and goes to the kitchen, takes it out and puts it in an envelope.
He
writes on it, and posts it in the girls door.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s morning. They both come out of their bedroom,
disgusted
by a smell.]
Monica: Deja vu?
(Rachel gets the mail and runs into her bedroom. Monica goes into her
bedroom. We
then hear Rachel scream.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: The girls balcony. Monica, Rachel, Ross and Chandler are stood there with the
carrot in a jar.]
Monica: At last, rid of the smells!
(Monica puts the jar on the wall, then pokes it a tiny space every time. The others
look
annoyed.)
Chandler: Push it! (does so)
(We see the jar falling. Then cut back to the balcony to hear the smash.)
Ross: (happily) You hit Crystal!
Rachel: No, you didn’t!
Chandler: What? (all look)
Rachel: You hit Phoebe!
Monica: God help me!
End