Written by: jbaghenry
Disclaimer: The characters in this script do not belong to me and were created by David Crane & Marta Kauffman.
NOTE: This is my second fanfic and takes place after my first fanfic The One With the Two Questions, so if you havent read it yet, you should probably read it. Enjoy!
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is admiring Monicas wedding ring on her finger.]
Rachel: Oh God, I cant believe you guys are engaged. Oh, its so pretty.
Chandler: Rach, you helped pick it out.
Rachel: I know.
Monica: She did? (to Chandler) You mean you didnt look all over by yourself to find this ring as a symbol of our long lasting love? (Chandler looks scared) Im just kidding. Rachel, I love it.
Rachel: Thank you. So, Ross, do you still have all of your wedding rings?
Ross: (glaring at her) Yes.
Phoebe: Too bad you never had a third one, the third ones lucky.
Ross: I love how my miserable, miserable life pleases the rest of you.
Phoebe: Oh, you guys, have you thought of names for the baby yet?
Monica: Phoebe, its not even conceived yet.
Joey: What? Youre adopting?! (Chandler whispers something in his ear) Oh, okay, conceived, right. (he smiles at both of them and giggles a little bit)
Phoebe: Well, so what? Its still fun to think about it.
Monica: I dont know, I havent really thought of anything.
Chandler: Julio. (they all stare at him) Okay, I guess were agreed. Monica, you come up with the name.
Monica: I think so.
[Scene: Rosss apartment complex, Ross and Joey are walking down the halls, Ross reading a newspaper.]
Joey: Hey Ross, can you hand me the sports page?
Ross: Sure. (sees something in the paper) Whoa!
Ross: Man, theres a cat burglar loose on the city and hes robbed four apartments last week just two blocks from here.
Joey: Youre kidding me.
Joey: (snatching the paper) Man. God, the police are so stupid, just go to the house with all the cats.
Ross: Please be kidding.
Joey: (thinking) Uh, yeah, okay.
Ross: Well, at least I dont have anything to worry about. My apartment is triple-locked. (approaches his apartment and starts to unlock it) Hmm, thats weird, the doors open. (they walk into a completely cleaned out apartment) Ahh!!
Joey: Ross, did you move again?
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, all present.]
Rachel: Youre kidding me. Everything was gone?
Ross: Well, no. They apparently forgot the floors and the ceiling.
Monica: How could this happen, I mean youre three flights up. How could they just clean you out? What about your neighbors?
Ross: No, the apartment on one side of me is vacant and the other is this elderly woman that doesnt hear very well. I think its because she constantly has Van Halen blasting through her apartment.
Chandler: So, does your insurance cover all of it?
Ross: Yeah, most of it. Except all of my bones from the museum which cant be replaced. Geeze, why does everything happen to me?
Phoebe: Ah, well, youre Capricorn.
Ross: Scuse me?
Phoebe: Havent you ever heard that old saying?
Ross: What old saying?
Phoebe: Aquarius is sweet, Virgo is lucky, but all that is Capricorn must die!! (they all look at her) Yeah, I dont like to say that one a lot. It tends to scare people.
Chandler: Is that why you got fired from the Day Care Center?
Phoebe: Yeah, the little brats just wouldnt stop crying.
Ross: Well, Joey do you think I could stay with you tonight until I get, like, a bed again.
Joey: Oh, sure man, its been kind of lonely since Janine moved out anyway. Man, that week together in our relationship was just the best.
Chandler: Oh, Mon, um, when are your parents getting here?
Monica: (looking at her watch) Um, actually they should be here pretty soon.
Rachel: Hey, did you tell them about the whole marriage/baby thing yet?
Monica: Yeah, they called me last night asking if they could spend the night and after I said yes, I said, Oh by the way, you know Chandler? Were getting married!
Rachel: Wow, were they excited that their little Monica is finally gonna get married?
Monica: I dont know, it was kinda weird. They werent like happy or upset, they were just kind of, I dont know, kind of like their stomach hurt or somethin.
Chandler: And of course indigestion is a sign of warmth and happiness.
Ross: Hey, excuse me, lets back up a little here. Why do they have to stay over here tonight?
Monica: Oh, they got a huge pest problem. Their house is being fumigated or somethin.
Phoebe: (laughing) Pests! Thats so funny, isnt that what they always call Chandler behind his back? (she continues laughing) Sorry, Chandler.
[Scene: Joeys apartment, Joey opens the door to Ross whos carrying two shirts, a shoe, and a toy dinosaur.]
Joey: Nice luggage, man.
Ross: (coming in) Yeah, well I thought Id just kinda settle in. Where should I put my stuff?
Joey: Oh, just set it anywhere. (noticing the toy dinosaur) Hey Ross, whats with the dinosaur?
Ross: Joey, this isnt just a dinosaur, this is the Steamin Tyrannosaurus 5000! His eyes light up, he growls, and hes one mean dinosaur! (he puts the growlin dinosaur in front of a not impressed Joey) Can you believe the cat burglar didnt swipe this?
Joey: Well, maybe, Ross, the cat burglar isnt like, seven!
Jack: Hey, sweetie!
Monica: So, you guys, here it is. (she shows them her ring)
Judy: Oh my goodness, honey. Thats so beautiful.
Jack: Wow! Where would Chandler get the money to afford something like that?
Judy: (hits him) Jack!
Jack: Sorry, honey. Monica, I think it looks great.
Monica: Thanks you guys. Okay, come on, sit down. Get settled in.
(They all go over to the couch, take off their coats and sit down)
Judy: So, honey, wheres your (takes a deep breath) wheres your fiancé?
Monica: Oh, Chandlers at the grocery store. He thought itd be nice if he cooked us a nice dinner tonight.
Judy: Oh, he can cook, well he certainly does take after his father.
Monica: Whats that supposed to mean?
Jack: Oh, nothing honey, youre moms just excited about dinner. Arent you honey?
Judy: Oh, yes. (to Monica) You have a fire extinguisher in your kitchen, right?
Monica: Alright, thats it. Whats going on?
Monica: I know theres something going on. When I called you guys yesterday and told you the news, I mean you guys didnt really seem to express any type of happiness, you guys just seemed (thinking of the word) sick. I mean, come on, you guys have been pestering me for finding the right guy and spending my life with him and when I do, I dont get cheerfulness, but instead I get indigestion.
Jack: Well, your mother had just made salmon.
Monica: You guys know what I mean!
Judy: Okay, okay, Mon Monica, its just that I understand why you want to have a baby, but why do you have to marry the pipsqueak?
Chandler: (entering) Hey. Oh, hey Mr. Geller, Mrs. Geller. Oh, what the hell, Mom, Dad. (he starts laughing as they both look at him, uneasy) So, whatcha guys doin?
Monica: Oh, nothin, were just having a friendly little chat.
Chandler: Well, I hope everyone likes salmon, because I bought plenty of it.
(Judy starts to say something.)
Monica: (stopping her) Ah!
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachels, Phoebes on the ground meditating as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey Phoebe, will you ? (sees her meditating) Oh, its Thursday. (she starts tiptoeing to her room, not disturbing her, but bangs her foot on the coffee table making her scream and falls on top of Phoebe who wakes up in shock)
Phoebe: (waking up) Ah! Oh! (sees Rachel on top of her)
Rachel: (innocently) Hi!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Rach! Dont you know how dangerous it is to wake up a meditater?
Rachel: (getting up) Im so sorry. I was going to my room and I didnt want to disturb you.
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I didnt get that. Well, I guess visiting two past lifetimes is good enough for today (she gets up and theres a knock at the door) Get that, would you?
Rachel: Okay. (she goes to the door and looks through the spyhole)
Phoebe: Who is it?
Rachel: I dont know, some guy. (to the stranger behind the door) Who is it?
Man: (from behind the door) Hi, Im from Garcias Flower Agency, Ive got an order of red roses for you.
Rachel: (looking through the spyhole) What? Okay, I can see you, you dont have any flowers.
Man: Okay, okay, you got me. Im a wackagram from one of your friends.
Rachel: Oh, oh, you mean from Muriel?
Man: Yeah, from Muriel.
Rachel: Nice try mister, I dont have a friend named Muriel. (silence) Hello?
Phoebe: What was that all about?
Rachel: I dont know, kinda spooky.
Phoebe: Well, you did the right thing. Whatd he look like?
Rachel: I dont know, its kinda weird, but he sorta looked like Ross.
Rachel: Yeah, he did. And you know whats even weirder? He had like red hair, but he still reminded me of Ross.
(They both sit down.)
Rachel: (realizes) Wait a minute! I know why he reminded me of Ross.
Rachel: Well, he was wearing that sweater Ross always wears, you know that plaid one you gave him for Christmas. He was also wearing a watch that looks a lot like the one Ross got from his grandfather. (thinks) Oh my God!
Phoebe: What? What?
Rachel: That was the burglar!
Phoebe: You think?
Rachel: Yeah, totally. I mean, why else would he want to come in here so bad?
Phoebe: Oh my God! You talked to the burglar!
Rachel: (gasps) Oh God, weve got to call somebody! (she picks up the phone)
Phoebe: Ooh, call Joe Friday! (Rachel stares at her) Okay, okay, NYPD, whatever. Go! Dial!
Rachel: Alright, Im dialing.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Monica and Chandler are seated at the table with Judy and Jack eating the salmon.]
Jack: Mmm, Chandler this is terrific. What do you do to it?
Chandler: Well, its just a little something I whipped up. The secret is: follow Monicas recipe exactly otherwise it will become soggy and pasty and just plain eww!
(Jack and Judy push their plates away in disgust.)
Judy: So, so, whats for dessert?
Rachel: (running in with Phoebe) Wheres your phone?!
Monica: Over on the table where it always is. Whats the matter?
Rachel: Okay, okay, yknow the burglar who robbed Rosss?
Chandler: Oh, yeah, great guy, he gave me his number.
Phoebe: Chandler! Now is not the time!
Monica: Okay, sweetie, calm down! What happened?
Rachel: Well, I had just come home from work and this guy came to the door saying he was like a flower man, only he didnt have flowers
Jack: (interrupting) Who did you order flowers for?
Rachel: Okay, that is not the point! I didnt order any flowers and when I kinda psyched him out not letting him in me and Phoebe realized that he looked exactly like Ross.
Judy: Ross robbed his own house?
Monica: Mom, let her finish.
Rachel: No, he wasnt Ross, he just looked like him because he was wearing Rosss favorite sweater and his watch, which were all stolen!
Monica: Oh my God, Rach, are trying to say that you talked to the burglar?
Phoebe: No, that is exactly what shes saying!
Rachel: Ive gotta call the police, the phone is down at our apartment. (she grabs the phone)
(Joey and Ross enter.)
Joey: Hey, guys.
Joey: Whats going on?
Monica: Ross, Rachel just talked with the burglar!
Ross: What? Rachel, you talked to him?
Rachel: Wait, one sec. (on phone) Yes, hi, um, I want to report a burglar. (listens) No, not a burglary, a burglar. I just, like twenty minutes ago was talking with a burglar. (listens) No, he wasnt robbing someone at the time. You see, I have this friend named Ross who got robbed and has this really great sweater
Phoebe: Which was twenty percent off! (they all look at her) Nothing, just another fact. Hey, Chandler, your salmon doesnt bubble anymore!
Rachel: (on phone) Yeah, and the guy was wearing it. This is your cat burglar youve been looking for. Hello? Hello? (she hangs up the phone) They hung up on me! I dont believe it!
Chandler: I know, and you were calling to report a man wearing a twenty five percent off sweater!
Ross: Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it! (sitting down) This sucks, I am never going to get my stuff back!
Phoebe: Well, you being 32 and Capricorn just thank God youre still alive!
Rachel: Hey, Mon, do you think that maybe me and Pheebs can stay here tonight? Were kind of a little scared to go back to our apartment.
Phoebe: Yeah, I know, sometimes I like to wear a sweater to bed and Im afraid that when I wake up, itll be, yknow, gone!
Monica: Well, Pheebs, its kinda crowded with Mom and Dad over here.
Judy: Oh, its just fine Monica. Your father and I could go sleep in the guest room and Rachel and Phoebe can have the couch.
Monica: Yeah, but, weve only got a couch and a love seat; I dont think theyll both be comfortable.
Joey: Oh, its okay. Hey, Pheebs, since Ross is in my extra bedroom, you can have the couch.
Phoebe: Oh, okay, sure.
Joey: Sure, you know, what they say, sleeping together bonds friends.
Phoebe: Hmm, I guess so. Right, Chandler? Right, Monica?
(Judy and Jack stare at Chandler who tries to look as innocent as possible.)
Chandler: Thanks, Pheebs.
[Scene: Joeys apartment, Joey is coming out with an old sleeping bag.]
Joey: Okay, here ya go, Pheebs. (he plops it on the couch and dust flies up in her face)
Phoebe: (coughing) Thanks, Joey, but, I think Im just going to use my jacket.
Joey: What? Why? Its warmer in this sleeping bag.
Phoebe: Well, I just figure, yknow, itll be less likely that a scorpion will come up and sting me if I use my coat.
Joey: Oh, okay, fine Pheebs. Now, you guys know the rule, right? If theres a tie on the door knob, dont come in.
Ross: Uh, Joe, were only staying here for one night.
Joey: Oh, good point. Okay, nighty-night then. (he goes to his room)
Ross: Well, sweet dreams, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Okay, you too, Ross.
(He goes to his room and Phoebe pulls out a book cuddles on the couch and starts reading, but hears a growling sound from somewhere. She gets up and finds that she was sitting on Rosss toy dinosaur, its eyes are glowing)
Phoebe: Oh my!
Ross: (coming from his room) Dont mess with the Steamin Tyrannosaurus 5000! (he grabs it and goes back to his room,. leaving Phoebe in awe)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bedroom, Monica is lying in bed awake, Chandler is snoring, and she hears a creaking sound.]
Monica: Chandler? Chandler?!
Chandler: (half asleep) Yeah, whats the matter, hon?
Monica: I hear something.
Monica: I dont know, a creaking sound.
Chandler: (waking up) Well, dont think the worst. I mean, maybe Mrs. Tuttle upstairs fell in the shower again. (she hits him) Ow! Okay, you want me to go check it out?
Monica: No, of course not. (he lies back down) I want you to go wake my dad up so he can look.
Chandler: (getting up, hurt) Thanks.
Monica: Im just kidding, honey. Could ya go look?
Chandler: (getting out of bed) Okay, but if its Mrs. Tuttle again, you get to call the ambulance this time.
[Cut to the living room, Chandler walks out of their room quietly, he sees somebody at the kitchen counter in the dark, he grabs a vase from the coffee table and quickly turns on the light.]
Chandler: Dont move!!
Rachel: (turning around, shocked) Bah!!
Chandler: Sorry, Rachel.
Rachel: (hits him) Oh my God! What the hell did you do that for?! You scared the crap outta me!
Monica: (running out of the room) Whats going on?!
(Judy and Jack run out)
Judy: Whats wrong?
Rachel: Nothing, Chandler just scared the hell out of me!
Monica: Chandler! Why would you do that?
Chandler: (shocked) You said to go check the noise.
Monica: Yeah, I said check, not wake up the entire apartment building!
(Joey, Ross and Phoebe run in.)
Joey: What happened?
Phoebe: (seeing Chandler) Chandler, what are you doing with that vase?
Chandler: Nothing. (puts it down)
Rachel: No, he was just going to bash me in the head with it.
Chandler: Im sorry, okay, I thought you were a burglar or somethin.
Monica: Okay, could you guys just all relax? Lets just go back to sleep now.
Jack: Is the salmon giving anyone else gas?
[Scene: The hallway between apartments, later on, its dark and two men in black with flashlights come in the hallway.]
Guy #1: Hey, are you sure about this, man? I mean, weve got enough stuff, we already bagged out the rich neighborhood.
Guy #2: Nah, come on, I swear this is the last place. Besides, I was almost caught today with this one woman in an apartment. Boy, was she a wise ass.
Guy #1: Thats why its not smart to do it in the daytime.
Guy #2: Come on. (they go to Joeys door and opens it) Wow, its unlocked, how perfect is that?
(They walk in the dark apartment, Phoebe is asleep on the couch.)
Guy #2: (whispering) Okay, be quiet, dont wanna wake blondie up.
Guy #1: (going through the cupboards) Hey, look, Chef Boyardee.
Guy #2: Ugh, this is hardly worth it. (he opens a drawer) Plastic spoons? Oh, come on, what is that? (Joey comes out from his bedroom, half asleep) Shh, be still. (they go into the corner by the fridge)
(Joey opens the fridge right by them and takes out a left over Chef Boyardee can with foil on top of it.)
Joey: Thats the stuff. (searching for a fork) Fork? Fork? Fork? (Guy #1 hands him a fork) Thanks. (realizes and screams, Guy #2 turns on the lights)
Phoebe: (waking up) Whats going on? (seeing them) Oh, Joey, are you having a party? (Guy #2 pulls out a gun) Whoa! Joey, did you forget the beer?
Joey: Pheebs, theyre burglars!
Guy #2: Yeah, now get up, blondie, and stand next to your friend here.
Phoebe: Okay, but I hope you realize that Im cranking when I havent slept! (she goes over next to him)
Ross: (coming from his bedroom) You guys, Im trying to (sees them) Whoa! (puts his hands up)
[Cut to the hallway, the burglars are bickering inside with them as Rachel comes out into the hall.]
Guy #2: (from inside) And I hope you three realize that if you dont cooperate, were gonna have to shoot!
(Rachel gets a shocked look on her face)
Rachel: (whispering) Oh my God! (she goes back in) Monica! Monica!
Monica: (coming from her bedroom) What now?
Rachel: The burglar is in Joeys apartment and hes got them up at gunpoint.
Monica: Oh my God! Weve got to call the police! (she runs to the phone)
Chandler: (coming out) Okay, I hope you guys realize that my beauty sleep is now officially lost.
Monica: Shh! The burglars in Joeys apartment.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Rachel: Yes, I think weve covered that.
Monica: (on phone) Dammit! I cant get through!
Rachel: Wait a minute! Ive got an idea! Monica, keep trying to get a hold of them, have you got a baseball bat?
Monica: Yeah, in the closet. Why?
Rachel: Well, I feel like going out to play baseball right now. (they stare at her, confused) I need it for my plan!
[Scene: Joeys apartment, the two burglars still have the three of them at gunpoint.]
Guy #2: Okay, were going to leave nicely now with your quarter collection (points to Joey whos almost in tears) and your dinosaur. (points to Ross whos also almost in tears)
Ross: For the love of God, its all Ive got left.
Phoebe: Mister, just take it.
Guy #1: Okay, were going to leave now, and well just forget about this, huh? (they start to leave but theres a knock at the door)
Guy #2: (putting his gun away) Who is it?
Rachel: (behind the door in a mans voice) Hello, Ive got a flower order here for a Phoebe Buffay!
Phoebe: Ooh! Yay!
Guy #2: What? (he opens the door to Rachel)
Rachel: Or maybe Im your wackagram. Heres your joke. (hits him in the stomach with the baseball bat and he falls on the floor and she looks at Guy #1)
Guy #1: Uh, I think Ill be going now. (runs out)
(They all cheer)
Phoebe: Wow! Rachel Green as Rambo Bitch, I love it! (hugs her) Now, where are my flowers?
[Scene: Central Perk, all present.]
Monica: Man, Rachel you were amazing, we are so proud of you.
Rachel: Well, thanks, yknow, when your friends are in trouble, you just act on your impulses.
Ross: Yeah, thanks Rach, I got all of my stuff back, plus yesterday I got new batteries for the Steamin Tyrannosaurus 5000!
Chandler: Dont you just love it when everything comes out right? I was up worrying about the dinosaur all night, I must tell ya. (Ross glares at him)
Gunther: (coming up to them) Hey, Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah, Gunther?
Gunther: Well, I heard what you did and I think its just great!
Rachel: Oh, stop!
Gunther: I was thinkin that, I get really scared and lonely in my apartment and was wondering if you could come over tonight? Yknow, for protection.
Rachel: Well, Gunther, I would, except they already caught the burglars. Theyre in jail.
Gunther: Oh, good point. Thanks anyway. (walks away) Stupid! Stupid!
Rachel: Hey, you guys, is Gunther seeing anybody, because I just though of this guy at work who would be just perfect for him.