Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Joey: What time is it?
Phoebe: Time for you to get a watch.
Chandler: Its 11:30.
Joey: Man, I was supposed to be on the set a half hour ago! I am so late! (Joey leaves)
Monica: Have any of you guys ever been late for work?
Chandler: All the time. Im always late. I was supposed to be at work 3 hours ago, instead Im having coffee with you guys.
Phoebe: And thats why they promoted you?
Ross: Ive never been late.
Rachel: Never?
Ross: Never.
Chandler: Hes been late for a final exam though.
Ross: Is that never talking about it again Chandler?
Monica: You were late for a final exam?
Ross: Not really.
Rachel: Come on honey, what happened?
Ross: Fine. I was late for my Biology final my sophomore year of college. It was Dr. Hernandezs class, she was a real stickler about missing exams, she wouldnt let you make them up.
Chandler: And what happened?
Ross: I rolled over and said, Dr. Hernandez, Dr. Hernandez wake up, we overslept and missed our Biology final.
Opening Credits
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Monica, Phoebe and Jennifer are present)
Jennifer: Thanks for letting me plan Rachels bridal shower with you guys. Im glad you included me, it means a lot.
Monica: Not a problem.
Phoebe: Yeah, when you said youd take care of the bill, it made the decision a lot easier.
Monica: Phoebe!
Jennifer: Hey, Im just happy I could help. So when is the shower?
Monica: In two days.
Jennifer: In two days?
Phoebe: We like to plan under the gun.
Jennifer: Well I think were staring down the barrel of a howitzer.
JOEY & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (Joey, Chandler and Brad are hanging out)
Joey: Wanna beer Brad?
Brad: Yeah.
Chandler: Ill take one too Joe.
Joey: Well get off your ass and get it yourself. What do I look like, your butler?
Brad: Are the girls throwing a shower for Rachel?
Joey: Who knows, who cares?
Chandler: Yeah, I think its in two days.
Brad: Think?
Chandler: Yeah. Monica told me that I was not allowed to be home between 3-7 pm two days from today.
Joey: Dude, what happened to you?
Chandler: I grew up and got married. Youll learn these things once Courteney gets her grip on your manhood.
Joey: The only time she gets to grip on my manhood is when were hot and heavy, if you know what I mean.
Brad: You know what, we should have a bridal shower for Ross.
Joey: What? Are you gay or something?
Chandler: Excuse Joey Brad, but hes right, in New York we dont throw bridal showers for guys.
Brad: Fine. If you dont want another excuse to get drunk and party, thats fine with me.
Chandler: We could get drunk?
Brad: Like Id wanna throw a real bridal shower. Lets just call it a pre-bachelor party party.
Joey: Man, I was totally wrong about California guys, you arent all gay.
Brad: No, only the ones from San Francisco.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are arguing)
Ross: I dont care, I dont wanna have dinner with your Dad.
Rachel: What, so youre just not gonna recognize that my Dad is gonna be your father-in-law?
Ross: Pretty much.
Rachel: Would you do it for me?
Ross: No way, you cant use that again. You already used that for the honeymoon.
Rachel: What?!
Ross: I wanted to go to Aruba and you said no.
Rachel: I was supposed to go to Aruba with Barry, why on earth would I wanna go there for my honeymoon with you?
Ross: Cause I wanna go there?
Rachel: Were going to Jamaica.
Ross: How bout you go to Jamaica and I go to Aruba?
Rachel: Face it Ross, were going to Jamaica.
Ross: Face it Rachel, Im not sitting through another dinner with your father.
Rachel: Yes you are.
Ross: No, Im not.
Rachel: You are.
Ross: Im not.
Rachel: Then no sex for you.
Ross: Thats ok, its your time of the month anyway.
Rachel: Damn! Ok, ok, look, you go to dinner with my Dad and well have all the sex you want on our honeymoon.
Ross: Like we werent gonna do that anyway.
Rachel: Ugh! Whats it gonna take?
Ross: Your mom has to be there too, shes the only one in your family who likes me.
Rachel: I told you, we cant have those two in the same room without them arguing.
Ross: Im sure if you talk to your parents theyll refrain from arguing for one meal.
Rachel: Forget it. Im not going through that just to appease you.
Ross: Then Im not having dinner with your father.
Rachel: (walking away) Dinner with mom and dad it is. (Ross pumps his fist and jumps in the air) I saw that.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Monica, Phoebe and Jennifer are finalizing the bridal shower plans)
Monica: So I am handling the catering, Phoebes inviting everyone and Jen, youre paying for it. Did I cover everything?
Phoebe: Whos cleaning this sty?
Jennifer: What are you talking about? This place is spotless.
Phoebe: Oh yeah, what about that cookie crumb over there by the TV?
Monica: (running to the TV) Where?! Im gonna kill Chandler!
Phoebe: Kidding.
Monica: Thats not funny Phoebe!
Jennifer: Is she always like this?
Phoebe: We dont call her Monica Anal Bing for nothing.
JOEY & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (Joey, Chandler and Brad are trying to figure out their party plans)
Joey: So Im getting the keg?
Chandler: Yeah. Ill get the hot dogs and hamburgers. What are you gonna do Brad?
Brad: Show up?
Chandler: Sounds good.
Joey: Wait a minute, whos inviting everyone?
Chandler: You are.
Joey: No way, Im already getting the keg. Brad should do it.
Brad: Ah, that would be kinda hard since the only friends of Ross I know are you two. Why dont I get the keg and you invite everyone?
Joey: Man, thats the hardest job. Chandler, you invite everyone, and Ill get the hot dogs and burgers.
Chandler: Fine you big baby.
Joey: Im not a baby!
Brad: No, just an infant.
Joey: Yeah, just an infant. (long pause) Hey, wait a minute!
PASTA PRIMAVERA (Ross and Rachel are awaiting Rachels parents arrival)
Rachel: Now remember, you promised youd be nice.
Ross: Im always nice. Did you tell your Dad to be nice?
Rachel: For the last time, my Dad doesnt hate you.
(Rachels Dad shows up)
Dr. Green: Sweet pea!
Rachel: Daddy! Its so good to see you.
Ross: Hi Dr. Green, how are you?
Dr. Green: Fine, Dr. Wethead, how are you?
Rachel: Daddy! You promised!
Dr. Green: Sorry, how are you Ross?
Ross: Fine thanks. Oh look, Sandras here.
Sandra: Hello everyone. Leonard.
Dr. Green: Sandra.
Rachel: Mom, its great to see you.
Ross: Hello Mrs. Green.
Sandra: Oh Ross, call me mom.
Dr. Green: (to Rachel) What, its good to see me but great to see your mother?
Rachel: Dad, its just an expression. Its great to see you too. Shall we sit down?
Sandra: We have to wait a minute, Laura and Jill are parking the car.
Rachel: Laura and Jill are coming too?!
Sandra: Of course honey, this is a welcome Ross to the family dinner. Laura and Jill are family.
Ross: (to Rachel) This is gonna be an interesting dinner.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Monica, Phoebe and Jennifer are present)
Phoebe: Im hungry.
Jennifer: Lets go out to dinner.
Monica: Oh, but I was gonna make dinner.
Phoebe: What were you gonna do, poach a salmon?
Monica: (weakly) Yeah.
Phoebe: (to Jennifer) So where do you wanna go for dinner?
(Chandler, Joey and Brad enter)
Chandler: Hello ladies. The men have returned. And Joey too.
Joey: What are you guys doing?
Phoebe: Were trying to decide where to go for dinner.
Monica: I told you Phoebe, I am poaching a salmon.
Chandler: So where do you wanna go?
Monica: Chandler!
Phoebe: Who said you were invited?
Joey: Like you ever go anywhere without us.
Brad: Is there any good Italian food around here?
Chandler: Theres always Allesandros.
Phoebe: Oh that sounds good.
Jennifer: Than Allesandros it is.
Monica: Why dont you ever wanna go to Allesandros when Im working?
Phoebe: Just that, youre working.
Monica: Are you saying you hate my cooking?
Phoebe: No. I just dont wanna create extra work for you when youre working.
Monica: Thats so sweet. Im gonna go grab my coat.
Phoebe: (to Jennifer) Never go there when Monicas cooking unless youre in the mood to be sick all night.
Chandler: Still havent told her about that experience, eh Pheebs?
PASTA PRIMAVERA (The Green Family and Ross are having dinner)
Laura: So Ross, are you and Rachel going to Aruba for your honeymoon?
Rachel: (to Ross) Did you pay her to ask you that?
Ross: No, were going to Jamaica.
Jill: You guys will have fun. I went to Jamaica for a week and was naked the whole time.
Sandra: Jill! Were at a restaurant.
Jill: Please mom, half the men in this restaurant would pay to see me naked.
Laura: Half the men probably have seen you naked.
Dr. Green: Enough girls! Dr. Wethead, hows the job at the library?
Rachel: Dad, he works as a professor at NYU.
Dr. Green: I know. They have a library there dont they?
Ross: Its fine Dr. Green. Im glad the semester is over.
Sandra: So now that youre finally gonna be a part of this family, is there anything you want to say?
Ross: Say? Not really.
Sandra: Come on Ross, dont be shy, say whats in your heart.
Ross: (distracted and whispering to Rachel) Would you stop rubbing my leg for a minute?
Rachel: Im not rubbing your leg.
Ross: Shes doing it again.
Rachel: She cant be, shes not sitting next to you.
Ross: (realizing its Sandra whos rubbing his leg) Ah, I just wanna say, thanks for taking me into your family as one of your own. It means a lot to me. I have to go to the restroom, Ill be right back. (Ross leaves)
Jill: Someone must have been rubbing his leg again.
Laura: I would, but Im not sitting next to him.
Dr. Green: Dont talk about your brother-in-law that way, and for christs sake, both of you get laid before you implode.
Sandra: Leonard! Dont talk to the girls that way!
Rachel: Im gonna go to the bathroom too. (Rachel leaves)
Jill: Maybe Ross and Rachel are gonna lay each other in the bathroom.
Sandra: (to Leonard) Do you see what you started?
(At the bathroom, Ross is pacing around as Rachel approaches)
Rachel: Are you ok honey?
Ross: Im fine. Im fine. Must have been a bad meatball or whatever. Im fine. Lets go sit down.
Rachel: Are you sure youre ok?
Ross: Yeah, I just got really nauseous. Im fine.
(Back at the table)
Sandra: Ross is such a nice boy, why dont you two every meet nice boys?
Jill: Because I dont date geeks.
Laura: I only date divorced men.
Dr. Green: (to Sandra) Dont look at me, theyre your daughters too.
(Ross and Rachel rejoin the table)
Sandra: (to Ross, rubbing his leg again) Are you ok honey?
Ross: Im fine.
Rachel: He said he ate a bad meatball.
Dr. Green: There goes this waiters tip.
Jill: Not that he ever had one to begin with.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Rachels Bridal Shower has started. Rachels friends, co-workers and family are present)
Rachel: (to Monica) Thanks for the shower, everythings beautiful.
Monica: It was the least we could do.
Rachel: Have you talked to Ross?
Monica: No, why?
Rachel: Hes been acting strange ever since we had dinner with my family.
Monica: Id be acting strange if I had to have dinner with your family. (Rachel looks at Monica) I mean, theyre wonderful people, but its a lot to take in one evening.
Phoebe: Hey! Some party huh?
Rachel: Everythings great Phoebe. Wheres Jennifer?
Phoebe: Shes talking to your Mom.
(cut to Mrs. Green and Jennifer)
Jennifer: Ah, Sandra, Sandra?
Sandra: Why are you calling me Sandra dear?
Jennifer: Thats your name isnt it?
Sandra: But Im your mother dear, you dont call your mother by their first name.
Jennifer: I am not your daughter. Im Jennifer Aniston.
Sandra: Jennifer who?
Jennifer: Jennifer Aniston, the actress.
Sandra: My God, you look just like my Rachel.
Jennifer: Im realizing that more and more everyday.
JOEY & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (The Pre-Bachelor Party Party is in full swing)
Ross: This is great guys. I havent been this hammered since I kissed Nora.
Brad: Whos Nora?
Joey: Chandlers mother.
Brad: Ross kissed your mom?
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: I did too.
Brad: Is your mom coming to the wedding?
Chandler: Yeah, why?
Brad: I was hoping to kiss her too.
Ross: You know what else happened?
Chandler: You kissed Joeys mom too?
Ross: Rachels mom.
Joey: You kissed Rachels mom?!
Ross: No, but she was making a pass at me.
Brad: How?
Ross: She was rubbing my leg when we were all at dinner. Dont tell Rachel.
(A beautiful brunette enters)
Joey: Alright! The entertainments here!
Ross: You got a stripper?
Joey: Of course! No party is complete without a stripper!
(The brunette turns around and it is Chloe, yes the girl Ross slept with)
Ross: Oh my God! Its Chloe.
Chandler: Its not like you havent seen her naked.
Brad: Whos Chloe?
Gunther: The girl Ross cheated on Rachel with when they were dating.
Ross: We were on a break!
Brad: Oh, that Chloe. Well isnt this awkward. Man, shes hot, no wonder why Ross gave into temptation.
(the music starts and Chloe starts to get naked. The guys, except for Ross, gather around and watch.)
Chloe: (who is down to her G-string) Wheres the groom?
Joey: Hes cowering in the bathroom, but dont let that stop you. Take it all off!
(Chloe makes her way to the bathroom and pulls Ross out)
Chloe: Dont worry, I dont bite. But I will if you want me to.
Ross: Stop, stop, we cant do this.
Chloe: Oh yes we can. (pulls down Ross pants)
Ross: (pulling up his pants and as Rachel enters) I said stop! Youre not gonna ruin what I have with Rachel this time!
Rachel: (seeing a naked Chloe) Ross! What the hell is going on here?!
Chandler: Uh oh, I think things have gotten out of hand.
Joey: Rach, what are you doing here, this is a guys only party! (Rachel glares at Joey) But youre more than welcome to join us.
Chloe: (gathering her clothes) I think Ill get dressed.
Gunther: Ross cheated on you again Rachel.
Brad: Its not as bad as at looks Rachel. Ross did say stop and he was hiding in the bathroom because he didnt want to watch.
Rachel: Ross?
Ross: Thats the truth.
Rachel: (calmly) Ok. If thats the truth then I guess Ill see you later. (Rachel leaves)
Joey: Dude, I thought you were a goner.
Chandler: He hasnt gone home yet.
Brad: If it were Jennifer, Id have my balls in a sling.
Joey: Why?
Brad: Because after she kicked me in the groin five times, my balls would be hanging by a thread.
Closing Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)
Brad: So how was the bridal shower?
Jennifer: Apparently not as lively as the Pre-Bachelor Party Party, which well talk about when we get back to the hotel.
Monica: Oh, by the way Chandler, youre sleeping at Joeys tonight.
Chandler: What did I do?!
Phoebe: You can sleep with me if you want Chandler.
Monica: Phoebe, Im sitting right here!
Phoebe: Someone has to take care of Chandlers needs.
Joey: Well it looks like the only one who isnt in trouble with their significant other is me.
(Courteney enters)
Courteney: Joseph Tribbiani, upstairs right now! You have a lot of explaining to do!
End