Story By: Ethan & Nina
Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Ross: (to Joey) So did Courteney move in yet?
Joey: Yup. As of today, shes my new roommate.
Phoebe: Did you guys get the house?
Monica: We find out today.
Chandler: Well get it, I have my lucky underwear on.
Rachel: Too much information.
Joey: Man I wish I had lucky underwear.
Chandler: And wed appreciate it if you would wear underwear when youre wearing shorts. The little general is saluting the entire coffee house.
Joey: (standing up) Oops!
Opening Credits
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are present)
Chandler: The phones not gonna ring if you keep staring at it.
Monica: I know, I just want that house so bad.
Chandler: I do too honey, but if its meant to be, its meant to be.
Monica: What do you wanna do?
Chandler: How about a little game of pocket pool?
Monica: Uh, that would be kinda hard since we dont have a pool table.
Chandler: Think about it.
Monica: (getting it) I suppose you could stick your cue into the pocket.
Chandler: As long as your gentle with the balls this time.
Monica: Ok!
(Monica and Chandler make a move towards their bedroom as Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey guys.
Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing here?
Phoebe: Nothing, just came by to say hi and see if you heard about the house.
Chandler: Hi. Goodbye.
Monica: We havent heard anything.
Phoebe: Ok, well Ill let you guys get back to your sex, Ill go say hi to Joey and Courteney.
Chandler: How did she know we were gonna have sex?
Monica: I think the fact that your fly is open and youre pitching a tent gave it away.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Joey and Courteney are present)
Courteney: How are the wedding plans coming along?
Ross: Everythings done.
Rachel: Did you guys get fitted for your tuxes?
Joey: Yeah, he made us do it yesterday. I still dont see why we have to wear tuxes.
Rachel: Its a wedding. No, its my wedding and I say youre wearing tuxes.
Ross: Ahem.
Rachel: Bless you.
Ross: Ahem!
Rachel: Oh right, its your wedding too.
(Phoebe enters)
Joey: Hey Pheebs, hows it hanging?
Phoebe: Well since I forgot to put on my bra, about three inches lower than normal.
Rachel: What ya been doing?
Phoebe: I walked in on Chandler and Monica having sex.
Ross: Gross! Were they naked and stuff?
Courteney: Well if they werent, they werent doing it right.
Phoebe: Dont worry, they werent naked. Like Id wanna see that. Well Monica maybe, but definitely not Chandler.
Joey: Amen to that.
Rachel: But you said you walked in on them having sex.
Phoebe: They were about to have sex. They were all over each other and Chandler was pitching a pup tent, if you know what I mean.
(Chandler and Monica enter)
Chandler: Hello children. Courteney.
Monica: Hey guys, whats up?
Courteney: Why dont you ask Chandler?
Rachel: That was fast. What are you guys doing here already?
Monica: Huh?
Ross: Having stamina problems again Chandler?
Chandler: No. What are you talking about?
Monica: Honey, its ok, it happens to every guy.
Chandler: Monica!
Joey: Hey, speak for yourself there Mon, it doesnt happen to me.
Ross: Me either.
Rachel: Ross, its not nice to lie.
Ross: You werent complaining last night!
Phoebe: Enough! Doesnt anyone want to help me solve my problem?
Chandler: I do! Whats the matter?
Phoebe: Well its kinda of a relationship problem.
Joey: Hes good at solving those.
Phoebe: Ok. Chandler, how can I get Ryan to last longer?
Monica: Thats definitely not a problem Chandler can solve.
(Chandler leaves in a huff)
VICTORIAS SECRET (Rachel is working. A co-worker comes in to see her)
Co-worker: Rachel, theres someone here to see you.
Rachel: Im kinda busy right now Betsy, tell them to come back later.
Betsy: I dont think I can do that.
Rachel: (snappy) Its really easy, just say, Shes busy right now, please come back later.
Betsy: You dont understand. He really wants to see you and I think youre gonna wanna see him.
Rachel: Look, just tell Ross that I dont have time for him right now, I have to get this report done for corporate. Trust me, hell understand.
Betsy: Its not Ross.
Rachel: Then who is it?
Betsy: Brad Pitt.
(Rachel gets a look of shock on her face)
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross is teaching his class. Half the class is asleep the other isnt paying attention)
Ross: Alright, thats it for today. Before you go, just a reminder, your final exam is next week and based on your midterms, half of this class needs at least a B to pass this course. Please study, I want a brand new class of sleeping students for next semester, not a bunch of repeaters. See you guys next week. (The class doesnt move and is suddenly very interested about something in the classroom) Did you guys hear me? I said get out of my classroom. (The entire class still doesnt move) Whats the matter with you people?
Voice: I think its me that theyre interested in.
Ross: Jennifer, what the hell are you doing here?
JOEY & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are hanging out)
Chandler: I dont know what Im gonna do.
Joey: About what?
Chandler: Havent you been listening to me?
Joey: About what?
Chandler: My problem.
Joey: Whats your problem?
Chandler: Thats what I have been talking to you about.
Joey: Oh that, yeah, Ive totally been listening to you.
Chandler: So what should I do?
Joey: Just do it.
Chandler: Do what?
Joey: It.
Chandler: You have no idea what weve been talking about do you?
Joey: Sure I do. You should just do it.
Chandler: Do what?
Joey: Monica.
Chandler: Thats the problem.
Joey: Doing Monica is the problem?
Chandler: When you suddenly cant last longer than it takes for a good looking hooker to be snatched up at the whorehouse, its a problem.
Joey: Thats what this is about? Stamina? Dude, dont worry about it. Do what I do.
Chandler: What do you do?
Joey: I dont worry about it. I just told you that. Are you not listening to me now?
Chandler: But shes making a big deal out of this problem. Shes got a stopwatch by her bedside for Christs sake. She started timing how long it takes me and my times keep getting shorter and shorter! Its a pressure cooker in there man! A pressure cooker!
Joey: Ok, ok. Calm down. I think you need to see an expert.
Chandler: Who?
Joey: Phoebe.
Chandler: Phoebe?
Joey: I had to learn Joey love from somebody. Phoebe is the person to see. Shell have you lasting so long that Monica will be begging you to release the fleet.
VICTORIAS SECRET (Rachel has brought Brad into her office. The rest of the office has gathered outside her door)
Rachel: Ah, what are you doing here?
Brad: Were here for the wedding.
Rachel: We?
Brad: Jennifer and I.
Rachel: Ok. But the wedding isnt for another four weeks. Dont you think youre a little early?
Brad: Yeah, but its been a while since I was in New York and Jennifer wanted to show me the City.
Rachel: And you coming to my office is part of your sightseeing?
Brad: No, Jen and I just thought it would be funny if we each showed up and yours and Rosss work. We get a kick out of watching how everyone reacts.
Rachel: (opening her door to reveal all the people at her door) You mean like this?
Brad: Exactly. Hi everyone.
Office: Hi.
Rachel: (shutting the door) Bye guys. (to Brad) Theres gonna be rumors.
Brad: Thats the down part of going out in public and visiting attractive girl friends.
Rachel: (blushing) You think Im attractive?
Brad: I could mistake you for my wife if I wasnt careful.
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross and Jennifer are standing in front of Rosss class)
Ross: Guys, I said you could leave five minutes ago.
Jennifer: Ross, let me handle this. (turns to face class) Hi class. Yes Im Jennifer Aniston and Im Doctor Gellers friend. Its very nice to meet all of you. Now get the hell out of his classroom! (the whole class gets up to leave) Oh, and dont forget to study for your final exam.
Ross: That, that was unbelievable. What are you doing here?
Jennifer: Your wedding.
Ross: Thats in like four weeks. Seriously why are you here?
Jennifer: Your wedding. Brad and I wanted to come early and take in the sights and hang out with you and Rachel and your friends. I hope thats not a problem.
Ross: No, no problem. Were happy to have you.
Jennifer: No, were not staying with you, were staying at the Mark Hopkins.
Ross: Oh. Hey, did you happen to see the National Enquirer after I visited LA?
Jennifer: The one that said you were my adulterous affair?
Ross: Thats the one! That was pretty cool! (Jennifer just looks at Ross) Ok, it was cool for me.
PHOEBES APARTMENT (Phoebe is reading the couch. Theres a knock at the door.)
Phoebe: Go away, I dont wanna be converted to be a Jehovahs Witness this week.
Chandler: Phoebe, its Chandler, open the door.
Phoebe: Oh, hey Chandler. Whats up? Still running the 100-yard dash when youre supposed to be running a mile?
Chandler: You gave her the stopwatch didnt you? (Phoebe just laughs) Thanks a lot, my performance keeps getting worse.
Phoebe: Joey sent you I see.
Chandler: Yeah. He said you were the sex guru.
Phoebe: Well youve come to the right place. Ill have you lasting longer than it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll. Are you ready to get naked?
Chandler: Me and you?
Phoebe: No, just you.
Chandler: Right here?
Phoebe: If you want, but I really prefer if you did it in the bathroom. Im not really into watching.
Chandler: Uh, exactly what am I gonna be doing?
Phoebe: Flogging the log.
Chandler: Huh?
Phoebe: You know, flogging the log, choking the chicken.
Chandler: Gotcha. What are you gonna be doing?
Phoebe: Giving you instructions through the door. You follow my instructions, youll last as long as you want to last.
Chandler: Ah Pheebs, how did you learn about this?
Phoebe: Yeah, I used to be a Call Girl.
Chandler: As in sex for hire?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Chandler: When? When you were living on the streets?
Phoebe: God no. In the 1930s. It was the Great Depression you know. I had to make money somehow.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Monica, Joey and Courteney are present. Theres a mob outside the coffeehouse)
Ross: Look at all the people outside.
Jennifer: Yeah, were used to that.
Rachel: You guys really dont have to stay at the Mark Hopkins. You can stay with Ross and I.
Jennifer: Thats ok. Our suite is twice as large as your apartment.
Ross: Can we stay with you?
Joey: So Brad, youre an actor?
Brad: Yeah. What do you do?
Courteney: Joeys Dr. Ross Greco on General Hospital. Hes a neurosurgeon.
Brad: You dont say. Have you done any movies?
Joey: I was gonna be the lead in Shutter Speed but they shut it down because of funding problems. Oh and I recently got the lead in another movie, The Adventures of Larry The Lounge Lizard, but I found out on the first day of shooting that it was a porno movie so I walked off the set.
Brad: Tough breaks.
Joey: Yeah, but I make good money playing Dr. Ross Greco.
Brad: Yeah. I just finished Oceans Eleven. I made pretty good money too.
Joey: Really? How much?
Monica: (who has been staring at Brad the whole time) Joey!
Brad: Its ok Monica. I made $20 million.
Joey: Holy @#$%! That would buy a lot of pizza and beer.
Brad: Im gonna get some more coffee. Anyone need anything?
Monica: Why dont I help you?
Brad: Ok. But I think I can carry my own coffee.
(Brad and Monica leave)
Jennifer: Seems like someone is smittened with my husband.
Rachel: Yeah. She really loves his movies. Shes seen them all.
Jennifer: Shes married to the funny one right?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: So Jen, hows my lover been?
Jennifer: Pretty good honey, how you doin?
Joey: Hey! Thats my line!
(At the counter. Brad is ordering coffee from Gunther)
Brad: Could I get some coffee, black, two sugars please.
Gunther: Sure. I really dug you in Meet Joe Black.
Brad: Youre probably the only one. That movie really sucked.
Monica: I liked it too.
Brad: I kinda figured that. Do you want anything?
Monica: No.
Brad: You just wanna stare at me some more?
Monica: If thats ok?
Brad: Not a problem.
Monica: Ok!
Gunther: Heres your coffee. Oh, and Ill see you at Rachel and Is wedding.
Brad: What?
Gunther: Nothing, I mean Ill see you at Ross and Rachels wedding.
Brad: Oh yeah. Heres your tip. (hands him a $20 and walks away)
Gunther: Thanks you cheap bastard.
(Brad and Monica have returned to their seats. Chandler and Phoebe enter)
Joey: Youre done playing with yourself already?
Chandler: Shut up Joey!
Phoebe: That man beat his meat so hard he developed callouses on his right hand.
Chandler: Phoebe!
Jennifer: (to Ross) Is he having stamina problems?
Ross: Yeah. We sent him to the sex guru.
Jennifer: Phoebe?
Ross: Shes the experienced one.
Jennifer: I should send Brad to her.
Brad: I heard that Jennifer Joanna Aniston Pitt.
Chandler: Mon. (Monica doesnt stop staring at Brad) Mon! (still staring) Mon!
Brad: (to Monica) Your husband is calling you.
Monica: Yeah honey?
Chandler: We have to go upstairs. The realtor supposed to be calling at any time now.
Monica: Alright. Bye guys, bye Brad.
Brad: Bye Monica. (to the others) Shes really starting to scare me.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are waiting by the phone)
Chandler: This doesnt look good.
Monica: What do you mean? Its only 5:30.
Chandler: No, the old couple across the street is doing it again.
Monica: Doing what?
Chandler: Lets just say the old woman is dressed up as a dominatrix.
(the phone rings)
Monica: Hello? (pause) This is Monica Geller, I mean Monica Bing. (pause) Oh. Ok. Thanks anyway. (Monica hangs up the phone)
Chandler: Who was that?
Monica: That was the realtor. They sold the house to someone else.
Chandler: I must have put on the wrong underwear.
Monica: I wanted that house so bad. God, were never gonna escape the City.
Chandler: Come here. (takes Monica in his arms) Were gonna find a place. A place were we can start a family and raise all the kids you want.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah. Now I have to take off my unlucky underwear, do you wanna help?
Monica: No. Im not in the mood.
Chandler: (picking up Monica and carrying her to the bedroom) I wanna show you what I learned today and youre gonna like it!
Monica: I guess I have two minutes.
(Cut to fifty minutes later. A haggard Monica, in her bathrobe, emerges from the bedroom)
Monica: Oh my God! What have I done?
Chandler: (from the bedroom) Come back here, I still havent finished!
Monica: Well Ive finished eight times already and I cant finish anymore! My God, what did she teach you?
Chandler: (emerging from the bedroom) Not bad eh? I guess you can return the stopwatch to Phoebe.
(Joey quietly enters the apartment)
Monica: If you keep that up, were never gonna have kids. Youve got to sow your oats. Youve got to give me your seed. My egg needs your seed! Shower my body with your love juice!
Joey: If he wont, I will.
Monica: How long have you been standing there?
Joey: Long enough. (to Chandler) Way to go man. Make her beg for it!
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are cuddling on the couch)
Ross: Its so cool that Brad and Jennifer showed up unexpected.
Rachel: Yeah, I guess.
Ross: Whats the matter? Arent you glad they came?
Rachel: I dunno. Arent you worried about them being at the wedding?
Ross: No. Why would you worry about that?
Rachel: Theyre gonna steal my day.
Ross: What are you talking about? They came for us. You invited them, remember?
Rachel: I know, I know. Its just a circus whenever theyre around. You saw how packed the coffee house was. We hugged them goodbye and hundreds of flashes went off. Its just a friggin circus.
Ross: Its gonna be fine. If you want, Ill ask them to keep a low profile.
Rachel: Its not that, I want to see them too. I just wish we didnt have to be at the center of attention.
Ross: Do you want to the center of attention at our wedding?
Rachel: Of course I do. I just dont know if itll be possible with Brad and Jen there.
Ross: What do you wanna do? Uninvite them?
Rachel: Maybe. Maybe we should just talk to them.
THE MARK HOPKINS HOTEL (Ross and Rachel have come to see Brad and Jennifer. Brad however, is not present)
Jennifer: Hey guys, come on in. I was just preparing to shower. Do you wanna join me?
Ross: I do!
Rachel: Ross!
Jennifer: (to Ross) Shes not aware of my sense of humor yet is she?
Ross: No. Now about that shower
Jennifer: Whats up?
Rachel: Wheres Brad?
Jennifer: Brad, yeah, he went to Phoebes.
Ross: For what?
Jennifer: To get the same lesson Chandler got. So whats going on?
Ross: Ah, Rachel has some concerns that she wanted to address with you and Brad.
Jennifer: You dont want us to come to the wedding do you?
Rachel: No, no.
Jennifer: Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah?
Jennifer: You dont want us to come to the wedding.
Rachel: If that wouldnt be a problem.
Jennifer: I knew this was gonna happen.
Ross: You did?
Jennifer: Yeah. Every time we get invited to events with our non-celebrity friends, this happens. We cause too much commotion and they ask us to step back.
Rachel: Its not that we dont want you there, cause we really do, it just that .
Jennifer: If we come, well be the center of attention and you guys wont be. I understand. We understand. Brad and I will leave in the morning.
Ross: Im so sorry Jen. Thanks for understanding.
Jennifer: Not a problem. Ill see you guys later.
(Ross and Rachel leave)
Rachel: I feel horrible.
Ross: I really think they understand.
Rachel: This isnt right. (Rachel knocks on the door)
Jennifer: Oh, hey. Decided youd take me up on my shower offer?
Ross: I did!
Rachel: You guys are coming to wedding and youre not leaving tomorrow.
Jennifer: Huh?
Rachel: You guys are our friends and it wouldnt be right if I, if we, didnt have you at our wedding. Bring on the paparazzi, I dont care. Besides, Monica would kill me if she found out I sent Brad home early.
Jennifer: Ok. Well be there. Actually, well meet you for coffee tomorrow. Are you sure you guys dont want to shower with me?
Rachel: Now that you mention it, it wouldnt be the first time I showered with another woman.
Ross: What?!
Jennifer: Monica?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: You showered with my sister?!
Rachel: Yeah, when were eight, would you grow up!
Ross: Oh.
Rachel: (whispering in Jennifers ear) And when were 22. Dont tell Ross.
Closing Credits
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are waiting for Brad and Jennifer to show up)
Ross: Where in the hell are they?
Rachel: Maybe they got caught in traffic.
(Jennifer and Brad enter)
Brad: Hey, sorry were late.
Ross: Traffic?
Jennifer: Mr. Tantric over there wouldnt give it up.
Rachel: (to Ross) Youre going to see Phoebe this afternoon!
End