The One Where They All Scream OR Dunkle Leidenschaft

The special edition in widescreen.

Written by: John Noonan

Directed by Wes Craven

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros.   Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

Author’s note: Okay, when ever I’ve attempted to write a fanfic I’ve always wanted to make them different from others. When I was heavily into The X-Files I wrote a story which was a crossover with The Exorcist and in which Mulder dies. Now, I’ve decided to do a really weird crossover that of “Friends” and “Scream”. I was gonna do a poster for this to send to the web-sites and newsgroups. Picture if you will, the couch in front of the fountain with a dirty great big knife in it and at the bottom of the poster the words “Summer 1999 - Could things BE any more scary!”. It’s a pity I never did it. Anyway, Don’t expect all the twists and turns of the scream movies because I am not Kevin Williamson, but I hope that you do find it entertaining.

In order to get some sense of a timeline, we’re looking at it being set around the beginning of season four and after “Scream 2”

All comments, death threats and general abuse to either or

Warning: There are some acts of violence in this but not enough to put you off your lunch.

Please, if you haven’t seen the Scream movies then don’t read this. It won’t make sense. An d it’ll just ruin the ending.

So.........yeah, baby!

Black Screen. A flash of light and the familiar logo of “Friends” appears on the screen. The theme tune begins to play. It only gets a few seconds into it when it is stopped by a scream. We fade out from this onto the next scene. As we do we hear a phone ring. Fade to:

Int. Paolo’s Apartment. Night.

(CU of phone. As Paolo picks it up we pan upwards.)

Paolo: Um, Hello!

(A voice comes from the other line. A slow gravily voice.)

Voice: Is that Paolo?

Paolo: Um, yes.

Voice: Do you speak English?

Paolo: A little. Um, is this who, please?

Voice: Wouldn’t you like to know?

Paolo: Please. I would like to know.

Voice: What are you doing?

Paolo: I am to begin watching (Picks up a video and reads the back) ro-man-tic com-edy.

Voice: Ah, do you like romantic comedies?

Paolo: They have good American humour. I learn English from them as well as my lessons.

Voice: What’s your favourite romantic comedy?

Paolo: I like very much, “French Kiss”.

Voice: Is that the one where Kevin Kline pretends to be French?

Paolo: Yes.

Voice: Ooo, I like that one. His accent was scar-eeeeeeeeeey!

Paolo: Excuse me now. I have to go.

Voice: (Menacing) Don’t you hang up on me!

Paolo: (Getting scared) Excuse me?

Voice: I said, don’t hang up on me! You Italian moron.

Paolo: Why not?

Voice: I want to know something.

Paolo: What?

Voice: (Laughs) I want to know how well you slice butter ball!

(Suddenly Mr Ghostface bursts out of a closet behind Paolo. Paolo turns and goes to throw the phone at the intruder, but before he can, a knife is brought violently into his stomach. He screams as we fade out. We continue to hear his screams begin to merge with that of the siren of an ambulance.)

Cut to:

Ext. The apartment block. Day (Establishing)

(We see Paolo’s blanket covered body being taken away by the paramedics. The ambulance then speeds off past)

Int. Central Perk.

(The gang are all there, except for Joey. They watch the ambulance speed past the window.)

Monica: Ugh! I can’t believe it. Paolo’s Dead!

Chandler: Yeah, I know. Did you see his body? It had more holes in it then the plot for “Jurassic Park: The lost world”!

Rachel: Chandler! I really don’t think this is the time to joke.

Chandler: Why not? We should be glad it wasn’t us that were turned into some malformed version of Swiss cheese.

Rachel: Yeah, but the way you talk it’s like you couldn’t care. Keep it up and people will think you’re the killer.

Chandler: Me?

Phoebe: Yeah, where were you last night?

Chandler: I was with Jill Goodacre!

Everyone: (Disbelieving)Yeah right!

Chandler: Okay. I was with an Ann Summer’s catalogue at my office.

Everyone: (Believing) Yeah right!

(Chandler frowns)

Rachel: The fact remains Chandler that you are being a little bit cruel.

Ross: Yeah.

(Rachel turns to look at Ross.)

Rachel: But not as cruel as some people.

(The gang cringe)

Ross: What? Oh, is this about that whole letter thing.

Rachel: That letter thing! Ross, that letter thing took me...

Ross: Oh please! Do you want it back? I’ll get it.

Rachel: Hey! Don’t make me out to be the bad guy.

Ross: Hey, no! I wouldn’t dream of it. I’ll get the letter. It’s at my office.

Rachel: Ha! So you still keep it where it’s dear to you!

(Ross is now at the door.)

Ross: Yeah, the paper shredder.

(He storms out. )

Rachel: God!

Chandler: Hey, don’t you think that was a bit harsh?

Rachel: (Snapping) What do you mean?

(Chandler moves away from Rachel.)

Monica: Rachel! A man died in our apartment block and you start an arguement with Ross about a letter. It’s so insensitive.

(Joey comes in smiling and clutching a video.)

Joey: Check it out! I got a copy of “Stab”!

Monica: And then there’s him!

Joey: (Confused) What? What did I do?

Monica: You rented that!

Joey: Mon, it’s just a film.

Chandler: Yeah, and a bad one too. I mean, did anyone find David Schwimmer believable as a cop.

Monica: Did you not hear?

Joey sits down.

Joey: Hear what?

Monica: There’s a chance that Paolo received a phone call right before he died. Just like in that “Stab” movie.

Joey: Sooooooooo, what’s your point?

Monica: Look, I just don’t think we should watch it.

Joey: Oh, we won’t be!

Rachel: Good.

Joey: It’s for my date tonight.

Phoebe: A date? You chose that as a date movie?

Chandler: Yeah, what’s wrong with “I spit on your grave”?

Joey: I’m using it as a seduction technique. Y’see, we sit down to watch it after Chandler has gone out to a bar.

Chandler: Oh, so we’ve determined what I’m doing tonight then.

Joey: Then when it gets really scary she turns to me for comfort and I help her forget all about it. If you know what I mean.

Chandler: Yeah, I tried that technique with “Bambi”, but it just didn’t have the same effect.

Rachel: (Nervous) What I’m worried about is what if they don’t catch the killer? What if...

Phoebe: Rachel, everything’s gonna be okay.

Int. Rachel; and Monica’s. Night

(Rachel is on her own. Sat curled up reading a book and listening to Foo Fighter’s “Walking After You”. The blinds are down, meaning we can’t see outside. The phone begins to ring. Rachel turns off the music and answers it.)

Rachel: Yello.

Voice: Hellooooo Rachel!

Rachel: Can I help you?

Voice: I hope so. I really do.

Rachel: (Rolling her eyes) Ross, is that you? Listen, don’t think you can make me laugh. I’m still pissed at you.

Voice: Are you alone in the apartment?

Rachel: What’s the matter Ross? Caught yourself a cold.

Voice: Nooo. Then again, I’m not Ross.

Rachel: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else. Let me start over, can I help you?

Voice: Why don’t you come out onto the fire escape.

(Rachel walks out onto the balcony and looks down. No one’s there.)

Rachel: Ha, well, there’s no one here! Now Ross, I definitely know it’s you. So why don’t you...

Voice: Do you like the Xerox girl? Ross sure did.

Rachel: You sick ... I’m getting Joey.

(Rachel runs into the flat. As soon as she does she sees Mr Ghostface standing in front of the door. With his arms spread out and knife in hand, he comes racing towards Rachel. Rachel runs towards him and then quickly ducks under his arms. She rockets to the front door and swings it open. Through out the whole of this the buzzer to the apartment has been buzzing. It stops as she reaches the door.)

Int. Hallway.

(As Rachel goes to close the door, Mr Ghostface’s arm bursts through the gap. He tries valiantly to stab at her, but Rachel manages to shut the door. Suddenly, Rachel is tapped on the shoulder. She turns and screams. Joey is stood there with a frying pan. He screams. Chandler comes running up the stairs.)

Chandler: Hey...

(He startles both Rachel and Joey, who end up screaming. Not expecting them to scream, Chandler screams.)

Chandler: Are you two okay? I heard screaming downstairs as I came in.

Rachel: There’s someone in there trying to kill me.

Chandler: Really? Joey call the cops.

(Joey hands the pan to Chandler and goes to call the cops. Chandler slowly opens Rachel’s door. He walks in followed by Rachel.)

Int. Monica and Rachel’s.

(The lights are off. A dark figure is stood in the centre of the room. Cahndler turns on the lights. The figure turns to face Rachel and Chandler. It’s Ross. Surprised to see them, he screams. Not expecting to see Ross, Rachel and Chandler scream.)

Ross/Chandler: What the hell..? What are you doing here? Let me talk! Okay, you first. No, you! Argh!

Rachel: Wait, look, Ross you first!

Ross: Well, I buzzed the intercom and there was no reply.

Rachel: That’s right I heard you.

Ross: Well, I assumed you couldn’t, so I thought I’d come up through the fire escape and surprise you. Then, as I reach the ladder I get pushed out of the way by this masked freak. Finally, I get up here and Chandler bursts in like Kitchen Commando.

(Joey walks in)

Joey: Where’s the killer?

Ross: The what?

Rachel: Ross, the killer was here!

Ross: What?

Rachel: He phoned me up and then he was in the room with this mask and a knife and...

Ross: Oh God!

(Ross walks up to her and hugs her. A mobile phone falls out of his pocket. Joey picks it up.)

Joey: AHA! A mobile phone! You know what? I reckon you used this to phone Rachel and then you tried to kill her. The police come. They arrest you and you’re all like “It’s not me! It’s not me!” and then you get someone else to call Rachel while you’re in custody. Then when you’re released we find out that you are killer and you bump us off one by one!

Chandler: Or it could just be the mobile phone he’s had for a while now.

Joey: There’s that too.

Ross: Good theory though!

Joey: (Smiling) thanks.

(The guys all begin to compliment Joey on his idea while Rachel stand there.)

Rachel: Excuse me!

(The guys all apologise and hug her.)

Int. Joey and Chandler’s.

(Joey and Chandler walk in.)

Joey: Do you reckon she’ll be alright?

Chandler: (Sitting down) Sure! The police are with her. So is Ross and I phoned Monica. There’s pretty much nothing we can do, but be thankful she isn’t dead.

(Joey goes to the fridge and retrieves two beers. He chucks one to Chandler and places himself onto the foos ball table.)

Chandler: (Looking around himself) So, er, where’s Angela?

Joey: Oh, she left about an hour ago. She said that she couldn’t spend the night where she might find herself with a knife in the back. Ha! The conundrums in which women speak.

Chandler: (Frowning) Yeah.

(Rachel sticks her head around the door.)

Rachel: Ross and I have got to go to the station. Will you tell Monica where I am?

Chandler: Will do.

Rachel: Thanks

She leaves.

Joey: So who do you reckon did it?

Chandler: I have no idea.

Joey: Do you know who I think it was?

Chandler: I’m gain for a laugh.

Joey: (ala Randy Meeks. If you don’t know what I mean, then watch the speech between him and Dewey in Scream 2) MR HECKLES! He has the perfect alibi.

Chandler: (Unsure) Wha’? Being dead!

Joey: Perhaps it’s a ruse.

Chandler: Setting himself into rigamortis is a ruse?

Joey: (Suddenly getting an idea) What if it was you?

Chandler: Shut up, Joey!

Joey: Yeah, you didn’t turn up till after the attack.

Chandler: Joey, I didn’t kill or attack anyone.

Joey: (Disbelieving) Of course you didn’t! Well, I’m going to bed now.

(Joey jumps off the table. He puts down his beer and quickly picks up a spatula. He walks passed a bemused Chandler and walks into his room. He quickly comes out again and shakes the spatula at Chandler.)

Joey: Don’t even try anything.

Chandler: Oh, I’ll try not to.

Joey: Good.

(Joey walks back into his room.)

Int. The back of a taxi cab.

(Ross ad Rachel are in the back. Just to add atmos, “Star me Kitten” by REM is playing in the background.)

Ross: How’re you doing?

Rachel: I’m fine.

Ross: Some night, huh?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Look, do you want to come back to my place for a drink?

Rachel: no, I just want to go home.

Ross: Yeah, okay. Hmm, before I forget, I couldn’t get your letter. The cleaners must have taken it.

Rachel: That’s okay. I mean, it was silly of me to bring it up again.

(The taxi stops.)

Rachel: Well, this is me.

Ross: Maybe I’ll see you tomorrow.

Rachel: (Yawns) Yeah. Bye.

(She leaves.)

Int. Central Perk. Day. Establishing.

(The gang are all there. Joey comes from the counter carrying two cups of coffee. He hands one to Chandler.)

Chandler: Hey, is that mine?

(Chandler reaches for the cup.)

Joey: Hey, Woah! Not so fast. Keep your hands where I can see them.

(Joey places the coffee on the table.)

Rachel: Joey, will you relax. Chandler is not the killer.

Joey: How do you know? He was wearing a mask remember.

Chandler: Joey, I’m your room mate! I can hardly hide porn from you. Let alone the secret that I’m a psycho. (Pauses) Did I just say porn very loudly?

(Joey sits down.)

Chandler: Pheebs, will you pass me that knife?

Joey: Argh!

Chandler: Joey! Joey! I need it for my scone.

Joey: That’s okay then.

Chandler: OR DO I!

(He lets out a manic laughter. Joey hides behind a cushion. Chandler’s laugh turns into his real one. Joey comes form behind the cushion. His bottom lip quivering.)

Joey: That wasn’t funny!

(Suddenly, Mindy - Barry’s wife - comes running in.)

Rachel: Mindy!

Mindy: Rachel!

Rachel: What are you doing here?

Mindy: Have you seen Barry?

Rachel: No, why?

Mindy: He left me.

Monica: Why?

Mindy: I don’t know! He disappeared about a week ago. He came into the bedroom, said he had to go and then that was it!

Phoebe: Did he say why?

Mindy: No! (To Rachel) And you haven’t heard anything from him?

Rachel: No, I swear!

Mindy: Oh, Rachel, I’m so worried.

(Mindy bursts out crying and collapses in Rachel’s arms.)

Int. Monica and Rachel’s.

(The gang all walk into the flat. Mindy is not with them.)

Phoebe: Wow! That was intense.

(They all settle down in the living room.)

Monica: I know! I mean, where do you suppose he is?

Ross: I don’t know.

(Joey looks at Chandler suspiciously.)

Chandler: Knock it off.

Rachel: What if Barry is the attacker?

Ross: What?

Rachel: What if he is? I mean, everything started since he disappeared. What if he...

Monica: Rachel, why would he want to do something like that?

Phoebe: Because she left him at the altar.

Monica: Thanks Pheebs.

Joey: She showed him up pretty good at the second wedding as well.

Monica: THANK YOU!

Rachel: What if they’re right, Mon?

Monica: They are not right?

Joey: Yeah, Barry is probably just a red herring. He’ll turn up at the end of the last reel. Eyes gouged out. Teeth knocked in. Swimming in a pool of his own faeces.

Chandler: Um, Joe, I think you been watching “Stab” too much.

(Suddenly the phone rings! Admit it, you were expecting me to do that! Rachel picks it up.)

Rachel: (Nervous) H-hello.

Voice: Let’s get it on!

(Rachel slams the phone down.)

Ross: Rachel?

(The phone rings again. This time, Joey picks up the phone.)

Joey: Who the hell is this?

Voice: Is that Joey Tribbiani?

Joey: Yes.

Voice: I saw you in “Days of Our Lives”!

Joey: (Proud of himself) Yeah.

Voice: Yeah, you sucked!

Joey: Hey....

Voice: No matter! Your career isn’t going to last that much longer. Goodbye!

(Joey puts the phone down.)

Cahndler: Who was it?

Joey: (High pitched; scared) No-one.

Rachel: (Crying) Guys, I’m scared.

Chandler: Hey, don’t worry. As long as this goes on we will not let you out of our sights.

(“All along the Watch tower” starts up)

Begin montage sequence:-

All scenes are set in Monica and Rachel’s.

* Monica and Rachel playing cards,

* Chandler applying nail varnish to Rachel’s hands. He’s really getting in to it. Ross walks in and frowns at Chandler who is now blowing on the nails. Chandler looks up.

Chandler: What?

* Phoebe is seen massaging Rachel’s head.

* Chandler is now on Rachel’s toes which have been painted. Ross comes in from the bathroom and frowns again. Chandler looks up again.

Chandler: What!?

* Joey is sat in the living room. Rachel comes in from the bathroom dressed in a towel and bathrobe. She makes her way to the bedroom and enters. Joey follows and as he gets to the door, Rachel’s hand pushes him away. Joey sits back down upset.

* Chandler is now having his nails done by Rachel. She finishes blowing on them and Chandler inspects them. This time the rest of the gang walk in and once again, Ross frowns.

Chandler: (Sheepishly) What?

(End montage.)

Int. An apartment. Night - establishing.

(The apartment is the typical bachelor pad filled with girly posters etc. The frame is empty. Suddenly the phone rings and a figure comes into frame from the right. It is Tommy from “The One with The Screamer”. He picks up the phone.)

Tommy: Hello.

Voice: Hello Tommy.

(Tommy sighs. He doesn’t appeared to be be very happy.)

Tommy: Who is this?

Voice: You tell me!

Tommy: Okay. You’re a snot nosed punk form the university who has just spent most of his college money on crap horror movie merchandise and yet is still not satisfied. So, you’ve decided to phone me up and make out you’re that killer from “Stab”.

Voice: Um...

Tommy: You people make me sick. Why don’t you just piss off and go be a doctor or what ever it is that Mummy and Daddy want you to be?

Voice: I shouldn’t talk to me like that if I .....

(Tommy has slammed down the phone. He puts on his jacket and leaves the apartment.)

Ext. Tommy’s apartment building.

(POV of someone watching Tommy leave his building. They begin to walk quite quickly up to him. They put their hand on his shoulder Tommy turns.)

Tommy: Geez!

(End POV)

(The follower is Russ from “The One with Russ”.)

Tommy: Russ! You scared the crap outta me?

Russ: Sorry. Urm, I was just, erm, yeah.

Tommy: I thought you weren’t coming out tonight.

Russ: Yeah, um, well, Julie is out with the girls and Joel and Carlton are staying in to have a table hockey championship.

Tommy: Okay then. Well, let’s go!

(They begin to walk down the road.)

Russ: Are we still going to Rock World?

Tommy: Yeah.

Russ: Do we have to?

Tommy: Why?

Russ: Well, erm, Rock World is so loud!

Tommy: It isn’t, ya big baby!

Int. Rock World.

(Rock World is a big black room filled with every Goth, skater and Indie fan in New York. The music, “Twist” by Korn, is extremely loud.)

Tommy: (Shouting) You call this loud!

Russ: Why do you come here?

Tommy: I come here because of the honeys. There is something sexy about women in black.

Russ: Wow, funerals must be like orgies to you.

Tommy: Look I gotta go tackle with the snake.

Russ: Okay.

Tommy walks off, leaving Russ to deal with a large Goth that has decided she would like to dance.)

Russ: Um, hi!

Int. Toilet

(Tommy walks into the toilet. He begins to pee when Mr Ghostface walks in. Tom finishes and turns around.)

Tommy: What the-? What the hell’s the get up for?

(As Mr Ghostface talks, he holds the voice synthesiser up to his mouth.)

Ghostface: I like “Stab”.

Tommy: (Now washing his hands) You too huh? I had some punk phone me up before. Pretending he was the killer and everything.

Ghostface: Well, better to be a snot nosed punk, then have a knife in the head.

(Tom turns around to face Mr Ghostface. They stare at each other. Tom looks scared, but then he suddenly bursts out laughing. He wipes his hands on Ghostface’s cloak. Ghostface simply looks down and watches him do it.)

Tommy: (Condescending) Yeah, I suppose so.

(He goes to walk off.)

Ghostface: NO REALLY!

(Ghostface pushes Tommy into a toilet cubicle and raises his knife. The screaming begins.)

Int. Rock World.

(“Dragula” by Rob Zombie is playing. Russ is sat at the bar talking to a woman, Kelly. Russ is rocking back and forth with the music.)

Kelly: You wanna dance?

Russ: Yeah, sure.

(They begin to dance. Suddenly, Kelly gets up close with Russ.)

Kelly: You wanna take this outside?

Russ: Uh, okay!

Kelly: Meet me outside!

She walks off.

Ext. Alleyway outside Rock World

(Russ walks into the alley through the fire exit. He stands there and looks up and down the alley.)

Russ: Kelly?

(Russ begins to walk up and down the alley searching for the elusive Kelly. He briefly stops beside a skip and light a cigarette. he takes a quick draft of the cigarette and mumbles something under his breath.

He makes his way back to the fire exit. He attempts to open it, but obviously it can only be opened from inside.)

Russ: Aw...Crap!

(Suddenly, Russ is rushed by Mr Ghostface. Russ hardly has a chance to scream. They briefly struggle. Mr Ghostface whips out his knife and it glints in the moonlight. It disappears into Russ’ body. Russ goes down like a ton of bricks. Mr Ghostface continues with his assault.)

Int. Rock World.

(Kelly walks up to the camera. When she talks it’s as if she’s talking to us.)

Kelly: That guy is gonna be okay, right? I mean, you were just roughing him up for some money, yeah?

(Flash cut to Russ’ lifeless body. Then back to the club.)

Kelly: I mean, is he....

(A hand comes into frame holding a wad of cash)

(Kelly’s face lights up.)

Kelly: But what business is it of mine? See ya on “America’s most wanted”!

(She walks off.)

Int. A newsroom.

(We’re in the CNN newsroom. Behind the anchorman is a picture of a Father Death mask.)

Anchor: The bodies of Russ Shremp (Picture of Russ comes up), Tommy Stiller (Picture of Tommy) and Kelly Hughes (Picture) were brutally murdered at the infamous New York club, Rock World, last night. (Back to the newsroom) All three bodies had been stabbed several times. Witnesses claim to have seen someone walking around the club dressed in this costume. (Picture of the Father Death costume) A costume made famous by the Woodsboro murderers Billy Loomis and Stu Macher. (Picture of those two goofing off besides Randy Meeks and Tatum) The costume was also used by Billy’s mother (picture) who was involved in a series of copycat murders under the pseudonym Debbie Salt. The costume is also known as Mr Ghostface. A name which was used in the movie, “Stab”.

Cut to:

Int. Monica and Rachel’s. day

(The gang minus Phoebe are all sat watching the TV. Ross has his arm around Rachel.)

Anchor: (On TV) Police are not out the possibility that this is a copycat murder. Nor are they ruling out the possibility that these murders are in some way connected with the disappearance of Barry Farber, the attack on Rachel Green and the murder of Paolo....

(The report is cut out because Monica has turned the TV off.)

Joey: (Irritated) Hey Mon!

Monica: What?

Joey: Paolo who? We may never know and I think Rachel has a right to know.

Chandler: Oh, so you happen to know more that one Paolo?

Joey: I know a Paolo Smith

Chandler: Really?

Joey: (Frowning) Well, No.

Rachel: Argh, that’s it you guys.

Ross: What?

Rachel: That’s it. I want out. I’m not staying in this city any longer.

(Phoebe bursts into the apartment and takes off her coat.)

Phoebe: (Excitedly) Then have I got the perfect place for you.

Ross: How did you do that?

Phoebe: (Sitting down) Do what?

Ross: How did you know that Rachel wants to leave New York when you weren’t even in the room?

Phoebe: Does she? (Truly take back) I didn’t know.

(Ross just frowns.)

Rachel: Well ,I do. I don’t want to stay here while my life is in jeopardy.

Phoebe: Then have I got the perfect place for you.

Ross: We know.

Phoebe: You do?

Chandler: Yes, you already told us.

Phoebe: Did I?

Everyone: YES!

Phoebe: Go fig! Anyway, I bumped into my client with the beach house, at Central Perk. We got chatting and I mentioned what happened to Rachel. So, he said that we could borrow his beach house again until it all dies down.

Chandler: This is like the second time he’s lent us this place. Doe he EVER use his beach house?

Phoebe: Come to think of it. No. He says he’s a claustrophobic.

Rachel: Well, let’s do it. Can you all come with me?

(Everyone says yes apart from Ross.)

Ross: I can’t.

Rachel: Why not?

Ross: I’ve got work to do. I’m sorry.

Rachel: Ross..

Ross: I know, I’m sorry. Don’t worry I’ll be able to see you off tomorrow.

Ext. Central Perk. Day.

(“Red Right Hand” by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds is playing in the background. The gang are all there. Ross is saying his goodbyes. Chandler and Joey are packing away the suitcases into the back of Phoebe’s Taxi. When they’ve finished packing they all pile into the cab. Smiling, Ross waves them goodbye as they drive away. When tehy are out of sight he stops smiling, turns and walks into the Cafe.)

Int. The back of the cab. Night. Establishing.

(Joey, Chandler and Monica are all in the back. Monica is asleep. Chandler is trying to, but is being kept awake by Joey’s singing.)

Joey: (As Cheech Marin; singing) My Basketball coach done kicked me off the team / For wearing high heeled sneakers and acting like a queen...

Chandler: Okay, Joey! You’re gonna have to stop that or I’m afraid I’m going to have to kill you.

Joey: Sorry. Was I annoying you?

Chandler: YESSS!

Joey: Sorry.

(Chandler sighs and attempts to go back to sleep. Joey looks around. He’s quickly become bored and so....)

Joey: (Singing) Hooooooooooooooooooow funky is your monkey? How loose is your...

(Chandler Stares at Joey.)

Chandler: Joey!

Joey: Sorry.

Ext. The beach house.

(Aerial Shot. We see the cab driving up to the beach house. )

Joey: (OS) I’m horny!!! Horny, horny, horny!

(We hear Chandler scream.)

Joey: Now everyone! Soooooooooo horny....

(He continues to sing as we fade out to the next scene.)

Int. The Beach house. Day.

(The beach house is exactly the same as before, but all the sand has gone. Also, a nifty widescreen TV and video has been installed. The gang are all looking at it. Joey and Chandler appear to be in awe of it.)

Rachel: Okay, so he never uses the place and yet installed a TV.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, you know what famous people are like.

Monica: the guy who owns this place is famous?

Phoebe: Well, in Alaska anyway.

Monica: Well, at least you told us. I mean, I brought some videos with me. I’ll go get them.

Time lapse:-

(Monica is in the kitchen making drinks. Chandler Phoebe and Rachel are sat on the couch. Joey is looking through Monica’s video collection.)

Joey: Four Weddings and a Funeral, When Harry Met Sally, Alien... Mon, these are all chick flicks.

Chandler: “Aliens” Joey?

Joey: It has a chick in it.

Monica: I don’t see you...

(Joey slams a bundle of videos onto the kitchen counter.)

Joey: That’s where you are wrong!

Monica: Okay, well, let’s have a look. (She begins to look through the videos) Ace Ventura: Heavy petting Detective, Seven years in Colette, Doctor and Nurse, Doctor on Nurse, Doctor in Nurse....

(Monica looks at the rest of videos.)

Monica: Joey, these are all porn films.

Joey: Yeah! We might be away for a long time. That’s a lot of sex I’m missing. I need a substitute. Unless......

Rachel/Phoebe/Monica/Chandler: No!

Joey: Well, can’t we at least watch one?

Monica: Okay, we’ll find out. Who wants to watch one of Joey’s videos?

(No one says anything. Even Chandler is silent. Joey looks at everyone in desperation. Quick thinking is not something he possesses and yet an idea comes to him. He puts his hand over his mouth.)

Joey: (Trying to impersonate Chandler) Yes! I, Chandler, would love to.

(Chandler just shakes his head)

Joey: (As Chandler) Shut up Joey! (As himself) Okay.

(Time lapse to:)

Int. Living room. Night.

(The gang are all finishing off watching one of Monica’s videos. However, the looks on Joey and Chandler’s faces appear to be giving the impression that their brains are turning to mush.)

Rachel: (Dabbing her eyes with a tissue) That was so sweet.

Phoebe: So beautiful.

Monica: So meaningful.

Chandler: (Monotone) So mind numbingly...

Joey: (Finishing the sentence) Predictable.

Monica: Predictable? How can you say that?

Joey: All these films follow a formula.

Rachel: Shut up!

Chandler: (Amused) No, no, I think he’s going somewhere with this.

Joey: (Standing) Christ, you don’t know the rules.

Chandler: (Even more amused) What rules?

Joey: (Ala Randy Meeks) There are certain rules you must follow when in a romantic comedy. Rule number one, if you spend a lot of time with your childhood sweetheart who you haven’t spoken to in years then you will undoubtedly end up sleeping with them and/or marrying them. Rule number two, Never marry or go out with an Englishman. Big no no! They will always end up cheating on you and you’ll end up seeing you childhood sweetheart which will take you to rule number one. Rule number three, if you are about to be married at the beginning of the film then expect to be left at the altar. After this you will go on a soul searching mission, where you will meet you childhood sweetheart and so end up at rule number one again.

Rachel: Good god! How many of these films have you seen?

(The camera begins to slowly close in on Joey’s face. There is some dramatic music played in the background. Kind of like the scene when Mr Garrison is asked whether he was in Vietnam in South Park.)

Joey: I-I’d rather not talk about it.

(He turns his back on the group and blubs.)

Int. Monica and Phoebe’s Bedroom.

(We pan across the darkened, windowless room towards the door. we see Monica and Phoebe asleep in their beds. Once we get the the door we see a familiar face peeking through the door frame. Mr Ghostface.)

Int. Hallway.

(CU of the doorknob of Monica and Phoebe’s room. A gloved hand closes the door. We pull back a bit as Mr Ghostface places a chair underneath the doorknob.)

Int. Rachel’s Room.

(Rachel is asleep. Suddenly the phone on the side table rings. Groggily, Rachel picks it up.)

Rachel: Hello.

Voice: Hello Rachel.

(Rachel sits up in the bed. She obviously recognises the voice of Mr Ghostface.)

Rachel: How did you...?

Voice: All in good time. Look in the closet. I have a present for you.

Rachel: Why should I?

Voice: Just do it.

(Rachel nervously gets out of bed. She picks up a china statuette off the side table and walks up to the closet.)

Voice: That’s it. Go on.

(Rachel goes to open the closet door. She stops and pulls back her hand. She takes a deep breath, raises the statuette and opens the door. She screams as Barry’s body falls out of the closet.)

Voice: (Laughs) You should never leave your bedroom window open when you’re being stalked.

(Rachel turns to face her window. It’s wide open. Rachel flees the room.)

Int. Living room.

(Joey is sat reading a comic when Rachel comes bounding down the stairs. Joey stands up quickly to what the problem is.)

Joey: Rachel?

Rachel: Oh God! Joey! Joey! Upstairs. Barry.

Joey: What? Barry’s upstairs. Why that...

Rachel: He’s dead. We’ve got to get out of here.

Joey: We can’t. Chandler took the car to town to get some food.

Rachel: Well, we can’t make a break for it. He could be outside the door waiting for us.

Joey: Where’s Monica and Phoebe?

Voice: (OS) They’re upstairs.

(Joey and Rachel turn to face Mr Ghostface coming down the stairs. Joey pushes Rachel behind himself.)

Joey: What have you done to them?

Ghostface: They’re safe Gel Boy!

(He talks using the voice changer.)

Int. Monica and Phoebe’s.

(We see them trying to open the door.)

Monica: I swore I heard Rachel scream.

Int. Living room.

Ghostface: Well, well, we meet at last. Long time no see Rachel.

Rachel: Who are you?

Ghostface: Ah, yes. The great revealing of the killer. Well, who could I be? Who do you think it is Rachel? Am I, er, er, er, Ross, erm? Or could I BE any more like Chandler? Or how about someone who’s life was RUINED after they met you.

(He whips off his mask to reveal....)

Rachel: (Shocked) Mark!

(There standing in half of the Father Death costume is Mark. The man who had got her the job at Bloomingdales. Mark puts the voice changer onto the kitchen table.)

Mark: Hello Rachel.

(Rachel tries to get a sentence out, but can only stutter.)

Mark: Oh, wait! It gets better.

(Someone knocks on the front door.)

Mark: Now, I wonder who that could be?

(The door opens to reveal...)

(Chandler Bing.)

Rachel: Oh God!

Joey: I feel sick. How could you?

(Another Ghostface follows Chandler into the room.)

Mark: He didn’t.

(Mark chucks the voice changer to the other killer.)

Ghostface2: How’s it going Rachel?

Mark: (Laughs) Second chance Rachel. Who is it?

Ghsotface2: Allow me to give you a clue. I watched you get hurt time after time. I was there for all your good times and your bad. Yet, you never, ever, EVER acknowledged me. I loved you more then anyone could. You would run from boyfriend to boyfriend and yet you never realised that what you needed was right....

(He takes off his mask.)

Gunther: Here!

Joey/Rachel: Gunther!

Mark: He was the one who knew you were here. He heard some guy talking to Phoebe.

(Gunther walks over to where Mark is standing.)

Mark: (Sighs) Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.

Joey: Why are you doing this?

Mark: Why should we tell you?

Joey: Because the murderer always has a motive.

Gunther: FANBOY!

Mark: Okay then. Let’s look at the reasons shall we. Rachel, do you know why I left work?

Rachel: Yeah, to go...

Mark: WRONG! Y’see after I had got you that job Joanna had decided that you were sooooo good that she didn’t need me and so she fired me.

Rachel: I thought you got another job.

Mark: Rachel, I’m trained for nothing. Clothes were my life. My girlfriend left me after I lost my job. I tried to get another one, but I failed at every interview I went to. I even tried to get a job at Central Perk. Which is where I met my friend, Gunther, here!

Gunther: Yes, we got talking and discovered we had been hurt by the same person. YOU!

Rachel: But why Gunther?

Gunther: Rachel, I love you.

Rachel: I didn’t know.

Gunther: No, you wouldn’t. You were too busy with your other boyfriends and Ross to care about anyone else.

Mark: So, we felt it was time for some revenge and murder seemed like the suitable choice. I suggested that I do it. Y’know those times I took you out. Guess what I was thinking?

Rachel: You were...

Mark: Oh yeah. However, Gunther suggested something. Get hurt by someone you loved and remove who they loved.

Chandler: What?

Gunther: Y’see, I chose the victims. I knew who your ex-boyfriends were Rach. You were constantly bitching about them so much at Central Perk.

Mark: Gunther over here knew that you would probably still have a little bit of a thing for them and each one we killed would hurt you.

Chandler: But what about that girl at the club?

Mark: (Angrily) Oh, so many questions! I’M TALKING HERE! (Sighs) The girl died because Dickweed over here (Points to Gunther) let her see his face at the club. So, I had to do a little bit of, urm, persuasion to make sure she didn’t talk.

Gunther: Anyway, onto the best bit. We’ve phoned Ross. We’ve told him you’re in trouble. He’ll be here soon. When he gets here he’ll be knocked out and when he comes to he’ll see all his friends lying dead.

(The partners in crime both burst into mock tears.)

Gunther: But it won’t matter because soon after he’ll be dead too. When the police get here all the evidence will point to Ross going on a killing spree before killing himself. To add a bit more meat to the bone we’ll include the letter that drove him over the edge.

(Gunther points to a wad of paper that has appeared in Mark’s hand.)

Mark: An EIGHTEEN page letter written by Rachel asking Ross to take all the blame for the shortcomings of their relationship. Enough to make anyone insane. Oh, by the way did we add that we paid Chloe to cheat with Ross.

Rachel: What?

Mark: Oh, you thought that it was fate that I happened to phone you while Ross was with another woman. Give me a break!

Rachel: You sick...

Mark: Ah, now Rachel. No swearing.

(Gunther walks up to Rachel.)

Gunther: Look, Rachel, I know you’re angry, but I just want to say I’m sorry. (He takes a piece of paper out of his pocket.) I wrote you something to show my true feelings. It’s a haiku. (Reading) “Rachel...

(Mark knocks the paper out of his hands.)

Mark: Knock it off!

(Joey and Chandler take this moment to leap upon The duo. Chandler takes Gunther and Joey grabs Mark. Rachel watches as the two fights begin.)

Joey: Run, Rachel, run.

(Rachel does so and leaves through the front door. As Joey looks up Mark plunges his knife into Joey’s stomach. Joey looks down at the wound and falls to the ground. Chandler looks up from his fight.)

Chandler: You bastard.

Mark: Ah, now you didn’t say I killed Kenny!

(Chandler leaps off Gunther and onto Mark. Gunther takes the opportunity to find Rachel. )

Ext. Beach house.

(Rachel runs to Phoebe’s cab, but can’t open it. No keys.)

Rachel: Crap.

(She turns and sees Gunther running after her.)

Rachel: Crap!

(She runs off towards the beach.)

Int. Monica and Phoebe’s.

(We see them pushing hard on the door.)

Int. Hallway.

(The chair is beginning to give way.)

Int. Living room.

(The fight between Mark and Chandler continues.)

Int. Hallway.

(The door is now opening.)

Int. Living room.

(Mark takes a swing at Chandler. Chandler moves out of the way, but ends up stumbling of Joey’s body.. As he hits the ground, Chandler looks up to face Mark.)

(Chandler’s POV: We see Mark smiling down on us. )

Mark: See ya smart ass.

(Suddenly there’s a loud hollow bang. Mark’s eyes roll into his sockets and he passes out.)

(End POV)

(We see Monica stood over Mark’s body holding Phoebe’s guitar.)

Chandler: (Smiling) I did wonder why Phoebe packed that.

(Phoebe takes what’s left of her guitar and strums the strings.)

Phoebe: Hmm, outta tune a little.

Chandler: Call an ambulance.

Monica: What’s going on?

Chandler: Gunther and Mark are the killers. Hurry.

(Chandler runs out of the house in search of Gunther and Rachel.)

Ext. The beach.

(Rachel is now beginning to understand the term “running for your life”. Close behind her is Gunther. As they run we hear a car beeping in the background. Rachel spies a break in front of her. A break being a series of rocks that go out into the sea. Waves beat against it every few seconds.)

Rachel: Gunther wouldn’t follow me onto that.

Ext. The break.

(Rachel clambers onto the rocks. She goes a few feet and then looks behind her. Gunther is still there. In the far distant we can make out the figure of someone else running to the break.)

Gunther: What’s the matter Rachel? Didn’t think I’d follow you?

(Rachel carries on clambering onwards. Soon, she begins to get quite lose to the edge of the break. )

Gunther: Rachel, I would follow you to the ends of the earth.

(Rachel stops and faces Gunther.)

Rachel: Stay away.

(She looks down and notices that the sea is looking particularly deep and strong.)

Gunther: Rachel, I promise I won’t hurt you.

Voice: (OS) Stay away from her.

(Gunther turns and become face to face with Ross’ fist. The punch makes Gunther lose his balance and he plunges into the rough sea below.)

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: Rachel! Stay there!

(A wave comes crashing over Rachel. She loses her bearings and slips. Half of in the sea. The other half holding on for dear life on a rock.)

Ross: Rachel!

(Ross clambers as quickly as he can across the rocks. Once he gets to Rachel he lies on his stomach and puts out his arm.)

Ross: Rachel, give me your hand.

(Rachel puts out her hand and Ross grabs her arm. Suddenly from behind Rachel appears Gunther! As he struggles to stay afloat he grabs hold of Rachel’s leg.)

Gunther: Rachel, you’re mine!

Ross: NO!

(Ross is beginning to lose his grip on Rachel’s arm. As Rachel begins to slide off the rock, another hand grabs her other arm. The hand belongs to Chandler.)

(Ross and Chandler pull as hard as they can and soon Gunther begins to lose his grip on Rachel and disappears under the brine.)

Ext. The beach.

(Ross and Chandler help Rachel to walk as they go back to the beach house.)

Ross: So, I thought there was something a bit suspicious about the phone call I got, but I thought I better come down anyway to see that you lot were okay. Then, just as I was driving down the road I saw you being chased by Gunther and that was when it all began to fit into place.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Gunther was found walking around the offices in the museum. He was the one who took your letter.

Chandler: Look, I’ll leave you two alone I gotta see to a friend.

(Chandler runs off.)

Rachel: Who?

(Chandler turns as he runs.)

Chandler: (Shouting) Joey’s been stabbed.

Rachel: Oh god!

Int. Beach house. Morning.

(The paramedics and Police have arrived. Mark is no longer in the building which means he has obviously been taken by the police. Ross and Rachel are giving their statements to an officer. Chandler, Phoebe and Monica are gathered around Joey who has been bandaged up and put on a stretcher.

Chandler: Do you think he’ll be okay?

Monica: I don’t know Chandler.

(She puts her arm around Chandler.)

Phoebe: There was an awful lot of blood.

Chandler: What if he’s d...

Monica: He isn’t. Don’t be silly.

Chandler: Then why aren’t the paramedics dealing with him if he’s alive.

(Joey opens his eyes.)

Joey: Because I’m okay!

Chandler: You’re’ alive.

Joey: Yeah, just like in “Stab”. He stabbed me a little to far to right and not deep enough. Sure, there was a lot of blood which is why I fainted, but you stopped him before he could do anymore damage.

(Joey sits up. There’s a silence between the two guys.)

Chandler: I nearly lost you man.

Joey: Dude!

(They politely hug each other.)

Chandler: Ah, what the hell!

(Chandler kisses Joey square on the forehead.)

Joey: Hey, Woah!

(Chandler pulls a face to show that he was messing around.)

Ext. Beach house.

(We see a police car drive off with Mark in the back. Then a woman walks into frame from the right. Gale Weathers is her name. News is her game.)

Gale: (To camera) Okay let’s do this. (Smiling) Hi, Gale Weathers here with a report on the third incident involving mobile phones, costumes and scary movies. This time, the victim was no longer the actress Sidney Prescott, but one Rachel Green of New York.

(Fade out as she talks.)

Int. Cafe. Day.

(The camera is facing one side of a table. On this side are two executives. Exec 1(Wes Craven) and Exec 2(Kevin Williamson).)

Exec1: So you’ve not brought a CV to the interview Mr (Looks at clipboard) Green.

Exec2: But, could you tell us if you’ve had any experience in running a cafe before?

(The drum beat to Marilyn Manson’s “Beautiful People” begins. The camera pans round to the other end of the table. There sits a bearded Gunther.)

Gunther: Oh a little.

(Fade to black and continue to play “Beautiful People”.)

Gunther: (OS) Oh yes. A little.

(Roll credits. Three songs play during the credits. Marilyn Manson, “Sympathy for the Devil” by Guns and Roses and I, personally, would love to hear a rendition of “I’ll be there for you” by Less then Jake.)

Cast (In order of Appearance)

Paolo.......................Cosimo Fusco The Voice...........Roger L. Jackson Monica Geller..........Courteney Cox Chandler Bing.........Matthew Perry Rachel Green........Jennifer Aniston Phoebe Buffay..........Lisa Kudrow Ross Geller........David Schwimmer Joey Tribbiani Jnr.....Matt Le Blanc Mr Ghostface....................Himself Mindy Hunter-Faber......Marie Hupp Tommy.........................Ben Stiller Russ...................................Snaro Kelly.....................Jennifer Lopez Mark.....................Steven Ekholdt Gunther........James Michael Tyler Gail Weathers.......Courteney Cox Executive.................Wes Craven Executive..........Kevin Williamson


This is a list of the songs used mentioned in this fan fic. Y’know, in case you wanted to make a soundtrack.

“I’ll be there for you”..............................The Rembrandts “Walking after You”...................The Foo Fighters “Star Me Kitten”.............................REM “All Along the Watch tower”.......................Jimi Hendrix “Twist”...................................................Korn “Dragula”...............................Rob Zombie “Red Right Hand”.......................Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds “Earache my Eye”..............................Korn feat. Cheech Marin (Would be cooler if we could get Matt Le Blanc to sing it) “Beautiful People”.......................Marilyn Manson “Sympathy for the Devil”..............................Guns and Roses “I’ll be There For You”..........................Less Then Jake

(REMEMBER: The last song does not exist. Don’t start emailing me about where you can get a copy. YOU CAN’T!)

Now the bit that covers my butt: Jilly’s Rock World is an actual club in Manchester, England. I mean no disrespect to the workers there (Well, some of them) or their establishment. There haven’t been any murders there at all. Well, no reported ones anyway. Scream and it’s characters belong to Kevin Williamson and Wes Craven. I’m not associated with them in anyway. nor am I associated with the cast, crew or creators of “Friends”.