The One With All The Scheming

Written by: Toni Adams

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros.  Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment. Plus I'd just like to say thank you to Mike for letting me pinch his storyline. I didn't pinch much, just the idea.

Hello again you lovely people! So in the last episode you saw, Monica, Joey and Chandler go off to an activity camp and get very muddy, Ross and Phoebe take care of the babies and a very sick duck, and Rachel deal with the news of Monica and Chandler, and Emily's return, ooooh what happens next. well, find out for yourself...


Scene: M&R's. No-one's there, but you can hear the shower running. Joey walks in and goes straight to the fridge.

Mon: (from the bathroom) Chandler?!

Joey: (goes to say no, then a smile crosses his face) Yes? (he walks to the bathroom door)

Mon: Chandler! Can you get me my robe! I left it in my room! (Joey smiles and skips off into Monica's room) Chandler, do you think we should tell them today? (Joeys head pops out of her room)
I mean, Phoebe knows, I think we should tell the others, I don't even know why we were keeping it a secret anyway, it's not like we're having another affair! (Joey walks to the bathroom with Monica's robe and a very sonfused look)
and it would be a pretty bad shock on Joey if you moved out without telling him! (Joeys jaw drops very low) I know that before we didn't have much of a chance to tell them, so what ever chance we get, we go for it! Chandler?
(Joey throws the robe in and leans on the sofa, Mon walks out in her robe) Chandler? (Joey looks at her) Joey?

Joey: well you got your chance, and you sure did go for it!

Opening Credits

As you were

Joey: he's moving out? I don't believe it! (leans backwards on the sofa)

Mon: Well, Joey, me and Chandler have been together for over a year now, something was bound to happen

Joey: I guess.. (gets upset) I'm so hapy for you

Mon: (walks to him) Are you crying?

Joey: nooooo! (Chandler walks in, Joey gets all upset again and runs over and hugs him)

Chan: All these years and I've only just realised that Joey actually is attached to my hip

Mon: That wasn't funny

Chan: I know, I just felt I had to say something

Cut to: Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Ross and Emily are there. Rachel's on the sofa, Ross is on the couch, and Emily is sitting on the floor holding his leg. They're talking

Rach: (Joey runs in) So then they told me that-

Joey: Rachel!!! (Joey has turned up behind her, she turns and sees him in her face)

Rach: AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!! Oh! Joey don't do that!

Joey: Sorry, I, I need to talk to you, before Monica and Chandler get here. (Rachel okays it and they go to the back, Mon and Chan walk in)

Mon: (dragging Chandler along) Ross! Emily... Hey! we got some exciting news!!!

Em: What? (Mon looks at her, then back at Ross) Okay it's nice to be ignored

Mon: That's good (Ross looks defeated)

Chan: I'm, uh, I'm moving in with Monica! (smiles)

Ross: (Takes time for it to sink in) Really? (Ross puts on his rage face, Monica and Chandler back off) Just kidding. (they relax) That's so great! (he gets up and hugs them, Emily gets up and tries to hug them, but only manages an uncomfortable hug from Chandler and a handshake from Monica.)

Chan: We gotta talk to Rach, do you know where she is? (Ross and Emily look at each other)

Rach: (from the back) when I say I know they're moving in together, IT USUALLY MEANS I KNOW THEY'RE MOVING IN TOGETHER!!!!! (Chandler nods as if to say, 'Ah I see')

Scene: J&C's Phoebe and Monica are there. They're sitting on the barka loungers. Ross walks in and goes over to the counter and sits on a stool.

Phoe: Hey Ross.

Hey, Monica? (Monica makes a face to say, 'listening') What was up with the coldness towards Emily earlier?

Mon: What coldness? (she says looking as guilty as hell)

Ross: With the,'I won't hug you, shake hands instead'.

Phoe: Monica! (Monica glares at her, but Phoebe stands her ground) What? she's a nice person. (Chandler walks out of the bathroom)

Chan: She says after ignoring a whole conversation with her. (sits on the counter)

Phoe: I was listening, I just couldn't get a word in

Chan: There were plenty of awkward silences that could've been filled in!

Phoe: (thinking it over) Okay that's my bad, but she is a nice person.

Ross: Yeah Mon, why can't you be like Phoebe and Chandler, I mean even Rachel is talking to her! They forgive her and talk to her and got used to her-

Phoe: um... actually Ross. We don't forgive her. (Monia smirks at Ross, while Ross looks miffed)

Chan: and we're not used to her. We can't find a common ground, but we just felt, y'know, the past is in the past and we should just forget it, even though we can't forgive.

Phoe: So we're just started again, and that's why we like her

Mon: So you want me to be like that?

Ross: well yeah, but if it's to hard for you...

Mon: I can do it (smiles weakly)

Ross: Oh Thank God! Okay, now about the getting used to her gig.

Chan: I actually went to the 'Getting used to her' gig. They sucked but the band before were pretty good. They all glare at him until he walks out of the room beaten)

Scene: Central Perk. Rachel and Joey are there. Rachel is on the sofa and Joey is on the wooden chair.

Rach: We can't let them do this! (stands up and paces)

Joey: Rachel, you're being kinda selfish. I mean, you should be happy Chandler and Monica are moving in. Neither of them have ever got this far before.

Rach: Yeah I know, (stops pacing) but where would I live? (gets a good idea) Oh!! I could live with you!!!! (claps and jumps up and down, Joey joins in then gets her to calm down a bit and then sits her on the sofa)

Joey: actually, you can't. (Rachel's face falls) When Phoebe's grandma died, me and Chandler made a pact with Phoebs that if one of us moves out, Phoebe moves in. (makes the gesture for, what do I do?)

Rach: So basically, I'm gonna be homeless? (smiles sarcastically) That's always fun!

Joey: you won't be homeless... (hugs her)

Rach: yes I will. Mon and Chandler aren't going to let me stay (breaks apart from Joey and gets up) I can't stay with Ross cause of the history, and you're gonna live with Phoebe-

Joey: Sorry Rach-

Rach: (gets an idea) No wait! I got the best plan!!!

Joey: (looks scared) um... I don't wanna know!

Rach: (urging him) Yes you do, yes you do! okay, you don't want Chandler to move out do you?

Joey: (thinks about it) Well... no..

Rach: and I'll have no where to live, so we'll just have to show them that they can't live without us. (Joey looks relieved that it's such a crap plan) No wait that sucks, I got a better idea (Joey tenses up again)

(Rachel whispers to Joey, Joey looks really uncomfortable with it al, she finishes and Joey sgakes his head)

Joey: I don't wanna do it.

Rach: Come on! Do you want me to be homeless? (Joey thinks this over) Do you??

Joey: uh.. no! No ma'am. Okay! I'll do it!

Rach: Okay, we'll start tonight. actually... why wait til tonight? (a smile crosses her face, whil Joey looks unhappy about the whole thing)

Scene: M&R's Phoebe, Emily and Monica are there. Phoebe and Emily are on the sofa not doing anything. Monica is in the kitchen making dinner.

Phoe: (deadpan) Wanna watch TV?

Em: (deadpan) Okay. (Phoebe switches on the TV by remote as they stay statically still)

Mon: (Watching them) See? You both like TV. That's common ground.

Em: (deadpan) What's this?

Phoe: (interested) Oh! This is my favourite show!! Big Brother!!

Em: (suprised) Oh God! Of course you are kidding me? (Monica gives up)

Phoe: No...

Em: I can't stand this show!!!(Ross walks in)

Phoe: (genuinely can't believe it) What?

Em: It's so boring! Is there any point? What kind of sad people would watch (counts them) six people trying to live in a house full of cameras?

Ross: (to Monica) What's going on?

Mon: Well, they're trying to find common ground. (they look at them)

Em: Lets watch something else (turns the channel) this looks cool.

Phoe: No, we wanna watch Big Brother, (turns it back)

Em: Come on, lets watch the other thing. (turn it back)

Phoe: No, we're going to watch this! (grabs the remote, Emily won't let go, there's a little struggle, and they drop the remote on the floor. The TV switches channels. it's something different.)

Em: (deadpan), Wanna watch this?

Phoe: (deadpan) Yeah okay (they get back into their original seating positions.)

Ross: I think they found it!

Scene: J&C's. Chander and Joey are on the recliners.

Joey: (switches off the TV) Chandler? can I talk to you?

Chan: um... yeah... what's up?

Joey: well, you know how you're moving out?

Chan: (smiles) yeah

Joey: (tries to remember what Rachel told him) aren't you scared?

Chan: Of What? Does Monica keep a monster that eats people when they move in?

Joey: (realising something isn't working) Okay look! You're only thirty one.! You've got the rest of your life to live and move in with people, why do you want to get tied down now?

Chan: I'm not being tied down... just... taking it to the next level!

Joey: (thinks of something) Alright! Listen! you do realise that, if you move in with Monica, you'll have to be more commited! (Chandler loks a little scared) And take on more responsibility

Chan: Oh God... I don't like that...

Joey: living with Monica, it means, having to eat home cooked meals instead of take out. (Chandler doesn't like this bit...) You'll have to clean her appartment (...or this bit...) You'll have to give up porn! (...or this bit... at first.)

Chan: Wait a minute I haven't seen any porn since I started going out with Monica.

Joey: (knowingly) I saw you watching Pretty Woman Slash Man yesterday! (Chadler looks sheepish) and you know the worst thing?

Chan: What?

Joey: You'll have to give up Baywatch! (and he hates this bit!)

Chan: Oh my God! Commitment and responsibility means having to give up all that?

Joey: (and for good measure...) And you'll be living with a neat freak.

Chan: No! But I've already said I'll move in!

Joey: (pretending he's just thought of an idea) Oh! I got it! Only move in, if Rachel stays. Y'know, til she finds somewhere to live.

Chan: (ot seeing what Joey's doing) wait, how will that help?

Joey: Well, she's lived with Monica for the most part of five years. Have you seen her take a shred of responsibility for that place?

Chan: No... Not really

Joey: Then she can teach you! (looking Chandler straight in the eye) She can show you how to live with Monica, and take on as little responsibility as possible...

Commercial Break

Scene: M&R's Phoebe and Rachel are there. Phoebe is at the table reading a book and doing stuff with cards. Rachel wonders over to her and sits on the sofa next to her.

Rach: Whatcha doing there Phoebs?

Phoe: Oh, one of my clients asked me to do a sceance to get in touch with his dead gorrilla

Rach: (a bit surprised, and unsure) Um... What?

Phoe: Oh no! Gorrilla was his wifes nickname. She, uh, was kinda hairy.

Rach: (quickly) I see

Phoe: I'm just learning how to do one.

Rach: Oh, (trying to take an interest) I didn't know you needed cards for a sceance.

Phoe: Oh you don't. I'm just playing solitaire!

(Rachel rubs Phoebe's shoulder and then goes back to the kitchen, Then Ross, Monica and Emily wonder in)

Mon: For the last time Emily! Yes! We did it seven times!!!

Em: Wow. I'd ask you to tell it again, but I think Ross is.. well, y'know

Mon: yeah... (they laugh a little, while Ross looks slightly bemused)

(Ross walks over to Phoebe and looks at her book)

Ross: (reading off Phoebe's book) The little book of Sceances... oh, more crap

Phoe: What? This isn't crap! (turns around to face him) For your information they do work.

Ross: Oh really, have you ever been to one that's worked?

Phoe: ummm.....

Ross: (as if he's just prooved his point) told you, just new age crap

Em: Actually, I happen to think they work

(Rachel looks at Monica, and motions to her to talk outside, they sneak out)

Phoe: Thank you Emily

Em: (smiling) You're welcome Phoebe

Ross: Oh really.

Phoe: they do work, (gets a good idea) And I'll proove it! I'll perform one, tonight and it will work your ass off! emily? are you in?

Em: Sure

Phoe: Monica? Rachel? (Looks around when they don't answer, and they're not there) oh...

Cut to: outside in the hall, Rachel and Monica are sitting on the step

Mon: Of course he wants to move in with me. Why else would he have said yes?

Rach: Maybe it was in the heat of the moment. Remember this is Chandler we're talking about. Commitment phobe Chandler

Mon: (trying to argue her case) Well he's changed...

Rach: (genuinely confused) he has?

Mon: Yes, why did he say yes?

Rach: I don't know. But you know, taking on Chandler... are you sure yo're ready for that?

Mon: (Not sure what's she's talking about) What do you mean?

Rach: (trying to convince Monica) Well..., he's thirty one, and for all his adult life he's been a batchelor

Mon: (getting scared) that's a good point...

Rach: he doesn't know how to live with a girl

Mon: (Jumps up) Oh my God! what am I going to do?

Rach: (Calming her down) Well, if he moves in with you, I could stay...

Mon: (not seeing anything) how would that help? That's two girls he-

Rach: Let me finish. I could stay on living with you and ween him in. Then once he's weened, and when I find somewhere else to live, I move out.

Mon: Why can't I ween him?

Rach: (Quickly) because you're busy

Scene: M&R's later that night. Only Emily is there. She's lighting candles and setting up incense sticks around the place. (I have no idea what sceances are like, so bare with me here) Monica walks in from the balcony

Mon: Wow!, I've never seen my appartment looks so... New agey... (tries to like it)

Em: (seeing her face and smiling says) You hate it don't you?

Mon: No it's just... yeah, I hate it...

Em: Don't worry, this is just for the sceance. It'll all be gone tomorrow. (Monica looks releived)

Mon: You know I think it's great, you know, you coming back to Ross, and us making friends with you

Em: (seeing through her) No you don't.

Mon: (Smiling) Give me a chance, I'm trying to make conversation here! (laughs)

Em: Don't worry, I think I know what you mean. Thanks for giving me another chance with Ross, I mean with him, it's a love me love my friends situation, and so far, I'm loving his friends, again

Mon: Cool, so you ever been to a sceance before?

Em: a few, For my friends dead cousin. It only works sometimes, but they're pretty cool

(Ross and Chandler walk in)

Chan: (seeing all the candles) Did your electricity get cut off or, (sniffs the inscence) I've walked into a hippy kingdom haven't I?

Mon: (Walks up to him and hugs him) No, we're having a sceance

Chan: Cool

Ross: you're still going through with this?

Mon: Yes we are. Got a problem with that?

(Phoebe, Joey and Rachel walk in and join the party)

Em: Hey Phoebs, How'd the sceance go for the gorrilla lady?

Phoe: It worked! She's happy in the afterlife. Is everything ready here?

Em: um, as ready as I could get it

Phoe: Okay, I'll just set somethings up

(Phoebe walks off to the kitchen table, Emily follows, Ross sits at the sofa in despair. Joey and Rachel join him, although not in despair. Chandler and Monica stay at the doorway)

Mon: You know, something wierd happened earlier

Chan: What's up?

Mon: I was talking to Rachel, and she said that if she stayed, she could ween you in, or something

Chan: Funny, I was talking to Joey earlier, and he tried to change my mind about moving in, and then he said something about if Rachel stayed she could teach me how to live with you without anyresponsibility, or commitment.

Mon: uh! those little bastards!

Chan: (not getting it) What?

Mon: they're acting like babies!

Chan: (still not getting it) What?!

Mon: It's nothing. It just likes like their either trying to stop us from moving in together so Rachel doesn't have to leave, or let us move in together... So, Rachel, Doesn't have, to leave... ugh! she's so selfish! I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind! (she turns to go, but Chandler pulls her back)

Chan: wait a minute... their not ids, there's probably a good reason for this. Rachel might just be scared she's got no where to live after we move in. She's trying to protect herself, it's natural defense

Mon: (seeing his point) oh... I never thought of that. When did you become so good at this?

Chan: I took a major in the minds of Rachel Green and Joey Tribianni

Mon: I see

Chan: Lets go talk to them

(they walk over to Joey and Rachel, Ross has gone and is now with Emily and Phoebe)

Chan: guys, we wanna talk

Joey: what I do?

Mon: We just wanna talk

Chan: you remember what we were talking about earlier?

Joey: err, yeah

Mon: What the hells going on?

Rach: Busted... Okay.. Joey, handle it

Joey: what? it was your idea, you tell them!

Rach: I insist

Joey: No, you tell-

Mon: guys!

Rach: (sighs) Okay, well, when you guys said you guys were moving in, I was excited, until I found out that if I moved out, I'd have no where to live.

Mon: why couldn't you stay with Joey or Phoebe?

Rach: cause Joey and Phoebe made a pact with Chandler that if either of the boys moved out-

Phoe: (shouting) I'd move in

Mon: oh

Rach: And I guess what I did was a natural defense to protect myself.

(Monica looks at Chandler, while Chandler looks very pleased with himself for being right)

Chan: (snapping out of it) Rachel, if you wanted to stay here once I moved in, all you had to do was talk to us

Joey: That's what I said!

Mon: And it's alright for you to stay with us until you find somewhere to live

Rach: really?

Mon: Sure (they hug)

Joey: (nodding at the hug) niice. (Chandler glares at him til he stops looking at that)

Phoe: Guys! The sceance is ready.

Joey: (jumps up from the sofa) YAY!!! (they all rush over to the table)

Ross: (reluctantly) Okay, so what do we do?

Phoe: Everybody sit (they all take a seat) now put your fingertips on your left hand to your neighbours right hand, and the finger tips on your right hand to your neighbours left hand. (they all do so)

Timelapse The guys all look scared except Phoebe and Emily

Phoe: Thanks for talking to us

Phoe: (in a wierd young lady voice) Not a problem dear, Don't forget to visit me when your time comes

Phoe: Well you know I only live accross the hall, or at least I will soon, you can always visit-

Joey: Okay Phoebs!! It's time to say goodbye to the nice lady

Phoe: Okay, bye ma'am

Phoe: (wierd voice) Goodbye my dear

Phoe: Are the gates closed (short pause) Thank you. (She blows out the candle in front of her) See? I told you it would work!


M&R's Monica and Phoebe are there cleaning up after the sceance, they're putting the candles back in their boxes.

Phoe: That's so cool you're letting Rachel stay with you

Mon: Well you know, She's lived here for five years, she's my best friend, I can't just chuck her out on the streets.

Phoe: no

Mon: Bet you're psyched about moving in with Joey

Phoe: Yeah, different, I'll be living with a guy.

Mon: You know it might be wierd though. You have to give up being clean

Phoe: I can live with that!

Mon: Really? I thought-

Phoe: Monica, don't try and freak me out. It won't work.

Mon: (holds hands up in surrender) Okay, I'm not trying to freak you out. I'm just saying that (picking up the box and walking to her room) it'll be wierd. Living in a meat eaters paradise, with a chick and a duck, along with never being clean ever again. And having to watch 'Baywatch' all the time and then comparing the girls in it to us. You'll have to be a guy! (disappears to her room)

Phoe: (thinking this over) Okay now I'm freaked! (follows Monica into her room)


In Loving memory of Emine Kara÷z

Next episode: TOW the voiceovers
I think the title says it all, but there's a lot of voice overs, dictating letters in this flashback episode.