The One Where Rachel Pretends to be Chandler's Wife

Written by: Anne Pascal

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment

CHANDLER: I think I'm about to burst. It's like living in a harem where I'm not supposed to look, touch…. Nothin'.

JOEY: Who's going to know if you look? It'd be a waste not to. For me it's like having a sandwich bar right across the hall - only with hot women. Do you think you could persuade Monica to make all the nurses wear uniforms?

CHANDLER: Yeah why not? That would really help me forget about sex.

JOEY: I take it that Monica is keeping you on short rations?

CHANDLER: No rations! She's not in bed long enough and when she is there she just collapses in this damp little heap. It would be OK if she didn't look so good. But where did all the curves come from? Rachel's the same. I caught her breast-feeding Karen again.

JOEY: So you have Monica and Rachel breast-feeding and at least three hot looking women in the apartment day and night. This is not a problem. This is a fantasy.

CHANDLER: But Rachel's not supposed to be breast-feeding and with all those women and no action I'm starting to have dreams - you know the sort you have when you're a teenager.

JOEY: Can't you just do what you always did? I mean you had years of practice before you and Monica got together.

CHANDLER: With my household? You try it. Women everywhere and at least one baby crying. The bedroom is a public thoroughfare and if I go for a pee I usually have some woman knocking on the door asking how long I'm going to be - day and night. And since the lap top incident they are all suspicious of why I want to be alone at all.

JOEY: They didn't buy that the reception was better in the bathroom?

CHANDLER: Monica's mum seemed to at first…. Anyway I've booked up to have the snip done.

JOEY: Snip - as in cutting - uuuhhhooo. A bit drastic isn't it?

CHANDLER: Well I think we have enough children - even for Monica - and this way I get to have sex.

JOEY: Really! Is Monica weird then - has she been watching "Crash" or something?

CHANDLER: No! But after a couple of weeks I have to give them samples regularly so that they can test whether I'm a jaffa or not…. you know… seedless. They even give me a room with no babies crying, and some magazines. I can't wait.

…………………………….

JOEY: (to Chandler) So are you worried that they'll not be able to find it or that they'll slip and turn you into a girl?

CHANDLER: Nope - I'm not going. Two weeks of worrying about it and today Monica has decided that she won't come with me.

MONICA: You can do it later in the year. I mean what's the rush? I just don't want to leave Ella today when she is so snuffly.

JOEY: Well I can take you and bring you home. My date's not until 7.

RACHEL: What date is that Joey? Not that girl that you have been after for weeks? The one you sent flowers to.

MONICA: Joey sent flowers to a girl?

JOEY: Well she's kinda special and everyone kept telling her I was a one night man and it's taken me a long long time to get her to come round. So I'm doing the whole romantic thing. Dinner, candles, Chandler's music.

MONICA: Don't you have any of your own romantic music?

JOEY: No I always relied on Chandler for that. Oh but I just bought Eminem.

CHANDLER: Very romantic.

MONICA: So you and Phoebe both have secret dates tonight? Is this a coincidence?

JOEY: Mine's not secret. Her name is Jean. Phoebe is keeping quiet because I think the guy is much older than she is.

MONICA: As in my children's nurse Jean? Joey the nurses are here to help with all the babies - not to give you an endless supply of women.

JOEY: I'm just keeping them happy for you Mon. So what time do we go Chandler?

CHANDLER: Thanks but I need Monica with me. They said when I fixed it up that, as a married man, I need my wife's signature.

RACHEL: Well I could come and pretend to be your wife. You know I could totally ignore you in the waiting room and make the odd snappy comment…

……..…

CHANDLER: You're the doctor? You're going to be carrying out the procedure?

DOCTOR: No need to look alarmed Mr Bing. I do it every day. So Mrs Bing will you be staying with your husband during the procedure?

RACHEL: (Smiling broadly) Absolutely. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

CHANDLER: (very alarmed) It's OK honey you don't need to stay.

RACHEL: There there pumpkin. You were such a support to me when I gave birth it would be nice for me to be able to do the same for you.

CHANDLER: But Ra - Monica I think there are some things a guy should do by himself.

DOCTOR: Right - If you want to drop your pants and jump on the bed we can get going. I'll be right back. (Doctor leaves the room for a moment).

CHANDLER: (glaring at Rachel) You can't stay with me. Do you know what she is going to be doing?

RACHEL: You said to me that if ever you gave birth I could get my revenge on you by being there. I figure this is the nearest I'm going get. So "honey" are you going to drop your pants now or are you going to wait for the nice doctor to get back to us?

CHANDLER: For years I can't get a woman to go near me and now that I'm getting cut up I have a queue of attractive women to… Oh my God - have you seen that needle?

RACHEL: I was looking at the scalpels.

…………………….

JOEY: Oh boy do you look sore.

RACHEL: The anaesthetic has not even worn off yet.

MONICA: You have painkillers?

CHANDLER: Oh yes.

MONICA: Karen was just going off to sleep.

RACHEL: Well she looked to me like she needed feeding.

MONICA: She does that when she is tired. I should know. I'm her mother….If you really want to feed one of the twins Madeleine will be awake soon. And make sure you use a bottle.

RACHEL: He was really brave - only whimpered when they stuck this big needle into his groin.

MONICA: Hang on there a minute…. You were there - you stayed with him?

RACHEL: Well you couldn't be bothered to be there. He needed someone to hold his hand.

MONICA: You held his hand?

RACHEL: What did you want me to hold? Don't worry the nurse did that bit. I'm going to get Maddy.

MONICA: Don't wake Madeleine until she starts to cry or you will get her out of her routine. I can't believe you stayed with him and held his hand. This is my husband - the father of my children - not some high school guy we can fight over.

RACHEL: Just as well for you. I always won.

MONICA: Well I was a few pound heavier back then.

RACHEL: I reckon your boobs are about the same size at the moment. Are you going for the earth mother look? I'm surprised Chandler can even squeeze into the same bed as you.

MONICA: (trying to keep calm) Rachel - I know you have been good to us but you know you were out of order staying with him for such a private procedure.

RACHEL: I was supposed to be you. But where were you Monica? Was Ella ill or did you just think you could persuade Chandler to have even more children? But hell you forgot - you would need to let him touch you for that!

MONICA: You were supposed to do my signature - not do my husband!

RACHEL: Well someone should.

 Monica throws the dishes down into the sink and storms off into the bedroom. Awkward silence. Chandler glances up at Rachel and guesses what the argument was about. Monica comes back with a cup from the bedroom.

MONICA: Do you think the mugs will walk back to the sink Chandler?

CHANDLER: Well they never seem to stay where I leave them.

PHOEBE: Chandler I was thinking - you know when Joey had his kidney stones removed he got to bring them home? Well did the doctor give you your bits back?

CHANDLER: (Bewildered) I didn't have them cut off! They sterilized me not castrated me Phoebe.

RACHEL: Yeah they just cut in - pulled these tubes out - cut them in half - tied up the ends - then shoved it all back in.

PHOEBE: That's a shame…

CHANDLER: Yeah - big shame. Why? Did you want to make them into soup or something?

PHOEBE: No! …. I'm a vegetarian.

CHANDLER: Oh good - that's OK then.

PHOEBE: But you might have found a use for them. Look how useful Joey's kidney stones are when you lose the foosball.

JOEY: I think I'm going home - Chandler you want to come and play ….(looks again at the state of him)…well Fireball would seem appropriate.

…………………………

ROSS: Hi - Monica around?

CHANDLER: She's with the babies.

ROSS: (flops down next to Chandler) I had a row with Rachel.

CHANDLER: Yeah well - postnatal women - tell me about it. You should have seen Rachel and Monica earlier.

ROSS: I heard - Rachel is deliberately winding Monica up at the moment and those two know each other's weak points too well. Did you know she refers to you as the "father of my babies"? How weird is that and how is that supposed to make me feel? So I told her she needed to see a doctor and that she was acting more spoilt, jealous and irrational than usual. That's when she stormed out.

CHANDLER: Probably not your most tender of loving reassurances was it Ross?

ROSS: I know. (Chandler winces as he moves). How long are you going to be this sore?

CHANDLER: No more than a couple of days…and its not as if Monica has any use for it at the moment.

ROSS: No - Rachel's the same. When you're better you could come to Karate with me. Believe me it's a big help…. Chandler is Monica crying a lot?

CHANDLER: She yells a lot but the only liquid comes from her boobs. They seem to leak… everywhere.

ROSS: Rachel too. I keep waking up in this cold wet puddle.

CHANDLER: Yeah. It's just like being 13 all over again isn't it?

ROSS: Do you fancy going out for a drink? Get away from all this?

CHANDLER: Yeah - very appealing but I think Monica would have something to say, and probably very loudly…

MONICA: No take him - He's no use to me like that - not unless you can find his horse of course.

…..

MONICA: Oh my God Ross what did you do to him to get him in that state?

ROSS: I think it must be the medication he is on - plus the tequila slammers might not have been such a good idea.

MONICA: I can't look after him like that - not with the babies - and I'm in the middle of feeding Kelly can you guys please sort him out?

ROSS: Well I can't carry him over to my place.

JOEY: Jean is just getting ready for action… OK OK I'll watch him if Ross helps me carry him in.

JOEY: Chandler are you OK?

ROSS: We're going to have to check. He may need to go to hospital. If he's this drunk and still in pain it must be bad. I mean he could have opened up a wound or something.

JOEY: Well I'm not looking down there.

ROSS: No - me neither… (shrugs) Well it's not like he has any use for it anymore. I mean he doesn't want any more children.

JOEY: I figure that Monica may eventually have other uses for it.

ROSS: Well if he's bleeding it will show through his underpants won't it? So all we have to do is check his underpants for blood.

JOEY: Yeah - he had to wear tight underpants to support… him… so it will show through. I mean we don't have to get faced with the raw stuff…

ROSS: He's a bit green - do you have a bucket?

JOEY: Nah - always borrow Monica's.

ROSS: I'll go get a bucket and you check - you know. Rachel said there were two incisions - one in each - you need to check both - see you in a minute.

JOEY: Gee thanks Ross - you were the one to get him drunk…OK buddy I'm just going to undo your pants…

JEAN: Joey what are you…. Oh my God! You could have told me. I mean - I gotta go. I just remembered I have to be up early in the morning with his babies. I knew this set up was weird, what with him and the different mothers, but this is just too much…

JOEY: No - no no no. Jean I can explain…

JOEY: Well Chandler this is one you owe me.

CHANDLER: Sore.

JOEY: Sore - yes buddy I can see that. You speaking again then? Is it bleeding?

CHANDLER: Sore - real sore.

JOEY: (pronouncing his words slowly and loudly) Blood? Can you feel any blood? OK I'm going to look - just don't get any strange ideas…

CHANDLER: What you doing?

ROSS (re-entering with the bucket): Any blood?

JOEY: No but we sure frightened Jean off…

ROSS: He can't stay on his back like that or he may choke.

JOEY: We can't lay him on his front. His wedding furniture will get squished again.

ROSS: Well perhaps we can lie him between the two chairs leaving that bit sort of dangling in the middle.

JOEY: How the hell did Chandler get through College with you as a roommate?

………..

MONICA: Thanks to you and Joey Jean has left us. She seems to think that you two are gay. Do you have any idea why she might think that?

CHANDLER: I hate to think - perhaps you should ask Joey.

MONICA: She also thinks that Rachel, you and I are "a couple". She didn't feel she could be part of the upbringing of children with a father so promiscuous.

CHANDLER: I wish! She was the one staying the night with Joey.

MONICA: I haven't time for this. Go and get Bobby - he needs feeding before we go. I gotta go and get ready.

CHANDLER: Where are you going?

MONICA: My parents - remember it's their anniversary? You said you'd rather have a weekend without us all.

CHANDLER: I didn't mean without you and I didn't realize it was this weekend. So am I going to be all alone?

MONICA: Yeah. I won't bother to phone because the line will be permanently engaged.

CHANDLER: You see Bobby Mommy is cross with Daddy. But Daddy can't really remember what happened - just take it as a warning. When Uncle Ross suggests you go onto the Tequila you stick with the beer. So you got some wind? Yeah well we can sort that out. (puts the baby expertly over his shoulder and rubs his back) Right now you're allowed. Get to my age and you get told off (big belch from the baby - Chandler goes back to feeding him). Well that was one good belch - no wonder you look so surprised. I would be proud of that one. You really prefer Mommy to this bottle don't you? Well it seems there just isn't enough of Mommy to go round at the moment. At least you get her once a day. I don't get a look in at all and what you see as the best dinner you get round here I always see as Disneyland and the Epcot Centre rolled into one.

………..

RACHEL: Everyone gone?

CHANDLER: Just left - a whole two days at her parents. Boy is it quiet.

RACHEL: I bet. So what were you looking at on your computer?

CHANDLER: Oh I was just doing my banking.

RACHEL: Sure you were. So why do you have a cushion over your lap?

CHANDLER: It protects the parts of me that other beers cannot reach. Why are you wearing your cheerleader outfit?

RACHEL: Just testing to see whether I could get it on again. You like it?

CHANDLER: It's a bit tight across the top … bit.

RACHEL: Monica took the babies so I've got too much milk. You see they're leaking already.

CHANDLER: I had noticed..

CHANDLER: . I don't think I can cope with this for the next five years.

RACHEL: Five years! The babies will be weaned by 6 months.

CHANDLER: Six months? But my Mom was still feeding me until I went to school.

RACHEL: That explains a lot. Your relationship with your Mom is seriously weird.

CHANDLER: (He glances at her nervously - she is now sitting beside him) Rach - I really don't think you should be….

RACHEL: Oh come on Chandler we have no secrets from each other. I know your body and you know mine.

CHANDLER: Not like that…

RACHEL: I'll tell you what - you show me your scars and I'll show you mine.

CHANDLER: Well I have a couple on my forehead and one on my chin. Rachel this would be a disaster - I love Monica. I'm in love with Monica. And you love her too - she is your best friend.

RACHEL: She's tied up with the babies.

CHANDLER: You should see a doctor Rachel. It's postnatal depression. You're not really attracted to me you just feel close because I was there for you and because I'm the babies' father and Ross is … being Ross…

RACHEL: I used to dream about you - remember - years ago?

CHANDLER: You used to dream about Joey too.

RACHEL: I was lying about the Joey dream because you kept going on at me to tell you the dream. And I couldn't because then you would have known…

CHANDLER: Known? Known what?…(flattered and curious but trying to get away from the subject). Yeah well this is still not right.

RACHEL: You weren't so upset when I kissed Monica. Do you remember that?

CHANDLER: Oh it's emblazoned on my memory - believe me!

RACHEL: You're shaking Chandler.

CHANDLER: Well you know - shake , rattle and roll.

RACHEL: No-one need ever know…

CHANDLER: I think I would notice!

……………….

CHANDLER: Something terrible happened - really terrible.

JOEY: You ran out of beer?

CHANDLER: Nooooo - Rachel came onto me - real heavy - no mistaking.

JOEY: Way to go Chandler! (Chandler gives him a look). Hang on a minute this is pretty bad.

CHANDLER: Pretty bad! This makes the London wedding fiasco look like a minor upset.

JOEY: It really depends on how far things went. So is Ross going to have to put you in a box?

CHANDLER: I felt like one of those animals - caught in the headlights, knowing I was going to get squished, but completely unable to do anything about it. Boy when Rachel sets up an offensive she makes sure she knows all your weak spots. She had machine guns, tanks and nuclear missiles and I had one tiny little catapult that broke at the first twang.

JOEY: Enough already. I think I understand but I don't think Monica will. She isn't a guy.

CHANDLER: No - strangely I had noticed that. Why the hell did Rachel suddenly start to come onto me like that?

JOEY: Well she has been acting pretty crazy. So what did you do? Apart from break your catapult?

MONICA: You don't seem surprised to see me?

CHANDLER: Your mom rung to let me know you were coming home early. You left the rest of the family and the nurses there?

MONICA: Yeah - I thought we should have a night with just us. Have you been smoking?

CHANDLER: Just needed to remind myself how disgusting it is and why I don't need it.

MONICA: Chandler - do you believe in the saying that to "understand all is to forgive all"?

CHANDLER: It would make Einstein a very forgiving sort of guy. What is this?

MONICA: Just some things my Mom said to me about you and Rachel and us - this situation.

CHANDLER: Really - about Rachel. What about Rachel?

MONICA: Do you want to talk in bed…?

CHANDLER: Are you tired?

MONICA: Not tired - but I thought we should go to bed. That's if you want to…

CHANDLER: (hesitant) Of course, it's been a long time, I hadn't expected…

MONICA: Not if you don't want to - not if you don't find me attractive any more. I couldn't stand that…

CHANDLER: Is that what you've been worrying about…?

MONICA: Well the milk and the scar - I mean it is not too big I could try to cover it up…

CHANDLER: Oh Monica is that why you have been so distant? I just thought you were so caught up with the babies…?

MONICA: That too. Well if we are going to bed I really do need to express some of this milk or I will leak everywhere - more than usual I mean - without the babies waking me up.

CHANDLER: Can't you let me do that for you?

MONICA: But you find it gross. I remember with Carol…

CHANDLER: I wasn't in love with Carol.

Monica smiles for the first time.

CHANDLER: If you don't find it too weird. I mean it beats having to get up for a beer half way through.

MONICA: And that's the only reason? Hell you've peed on me I don't suppose it can be any weirder than that.

CHANDLER: What is it? What's wrong?

MONICA: You changed the bed. You put clean sheets on the bed. . It's too late, it's already happened…. I thought, if it had happened, I could cope with it because I understood - but I don't think I can cope - not yet

CHANDLER: Too late? Monica we needed clean sheets - what with your milk and my… we needed clean sheets.

MONICA: My Mom explained how you must be feeling and how Rachel must be feeling. Something similar happened between her and Dad after I was born. She told me to come home. I could see why Rachel would…

CHANDLER: You know about Rachel?

MONICA: (crying again) I saw how she's been acting around you, like you are her husband. Partly the old jealously…. I just never really thought that you would be such an easy target for her - as soon as you were left alone. Then my Mom asked if we had been together since the babies were born. I'm sorry I understand but I can't cope with it. I know I should…You slept with her… in our bed?

CHANDLER: No - No. Rachel came round here and she was a little …needy. She gave up her babies. I know they were not hers biologically but instinctively they were. I took her to her Mom's and she is going to make sure she sees a doctor. Don't be hard on her Monica. She put herself through all this to help us.

MONICA: Rachel is at her Mom's - you took her there - you didn't let her seduce you?

CHANDLER: No. Why don't you phone her Mom?

MONICA: Chandler I don't deserve you. If you had slept with Rachel it would have been my fault. I shouldn't have ignored you. But after everything we have been together it couldn't be the end of us….

CHANDLER: You mean if I had had sex with Rachel - you would have forgiven me?

MONICA: Under the circumstances.

CHANDLER: (to himself): Oh My God!

MONICA: But those circumstances won't happen again. If there's a next time I'll make Phoebe her soup.

………………..

JOEY: She really said it would have been her fault? What sort of woman blames herself for her husband sleeping with her best friend? Boy I wish I'd been around when Monica was drunk in London. She and I could have been the perfect couple.

CHANDLER: She would have forgiven me! Greater sacrifice has no man ever made and she would have understood and forgiven me. I turn down one of the sexiest women in New York and it was all for nothing.

JOEY: Well it's not like you were completely innocent - Saint Chandler.

CHANDLER: I didn't even kiss her.

JOEY: The only reason you are "innocent" of actually sleeping with Rachel is that you're seriously weird. Now if Rachel, Ross or Monica knew that ...

CHANDLER: They're better off not knowing. Even Monica understands that I was pushed over the edge. She now thinks I'm a saint and Rachel thinks I have incredible self-control and am the most loving thoughtful man that was ever born. Thank God for cushions.

JOEY: And you think that will help her think of you as just a friend in future? I take it that Monica finally found out just how weird you are?

CHANDLER: It kinda came up last night.

JOEY: I bet. The poor woman already has seven children to feed. If her breasts get much larger she'll fall over. She looks like a shelf.

CHANDLER: Monica only feeds each of the babies once a day. And its better if the nurses do the night feeds so that she can sleep. I just make sure she doesn't get uncomfortable.

JOEY: Oh you really are a saint aren't you!

CHANDLER: So you'll keep quiet?

JOEY: When are the nurses' uniforms coming?

CHANDLER: Right after I tell Rachel about Phoebe.

JOEY: I told you that in confidence.

CHANDLER: And what was our little talk - a public service broadcast?

JOEY: Well you know - me and Pheebs have a special relationship.

CHANDLER: Whereas Rachel and I are just casual acquaintances.

JOEY: When's she back?

CHANDLER: Couple of weeks. Ross is taking her on holiday.

JOEY: Well you'd better be just casual acquaintances when she gets back. If you don't want to be made into Geller soup.

Sorry the ends will never tie up. What is Phoebe up to? Is Chandler telling Monica and Joey the truth or will he end up as Geller soup? Will they be able to wean Chandler onto mashed banana? Are there enough baby nurses in New York to keep Joey in short term relationships?