TOW Rosss Wedding, Part III
Created by: Chris Freestone
Please e-mail me with suggestions and praise, or insults! Just E-mail, okay!
Authors Note:
Heres my version of what I see should be the first episode of series 5 should be. Of course it wont be. But I wouldnt mind seeing this. The reason Im writing this is mainly due to boredom, and partly due to the other fanfics Ive been reading. I loved the end of Series four (I definitely didnt see THAT coming) and I cant wait for series 5, but the other fanfics seem to settle everything in three scenes, about 10 minutes of material at most, sort of like.....
"I love you Ross!"
"I love you too Rachel!"
"I love you Chandler!"
"I love you Monica!"
"I love you Phoebe!"
"I love you Joey"
(Goodnight JohnBoy)
Big hug etc etc etc. Sort of a cross between Friends and the Teletubbies! I wanted something a little more meaty to get my teeth into, so I decided to write it, and here it is in all its glory!
(BTW, Im not knocking the other fanfics, there are some great ones out there! And I do have to admit taking a few jokes from some of them that I laughed at which Im gonna give full credit and links to, so u can read them yourself!)
I have to explain one other thing about this script. Namely Raymond. Hes an extra Character I threw into the melting pot, and I know someone will moan about him, but I put him in for three main reasons. You should really read the script first, so if ya dont wanna know what happens, scroll past this bit now, and go to where it says Start of Script.
Right, Raymond came about during a conversation with my friend and fellow fan Karl DeAth, who I will also credit as co-writer of this piece. We were talking about the start of series 5, and how it would be interesting to write in a London Coffee house, like Central Perk (Hyde Perk maybe?). In there, there could be English versions of the Friends Characters, each just like the real friends, but quintessentially English too. Raymond was the English version of Chandler, with more of an English Everythings against me cynicism about him. I was gonna play on the Raymond Chandler joke. When I came to write this later, I toyed with the Idea of including him in it in a small way, but became a big part for three reasons:
In this script, Just after the Incident, I had Monica and Chandler talking with Rachel, Joey with Felicity, Ross disappearing off with Emily. Monica and Chandler disappear off together, leaving Rachel alone. Joeys still infatuated with Felicity. Whos gonna chat with Rachel? So I drag out Raymond!
Also, when Chandler asks someone for advice on Monica, the only person who he normally goes to for advice IS Monica! He doesnt want the others to know. Feasibly the only one he can turn to is Raymond. But who turns to a perfect stranger for advice? Therefore I wrote Raymond as part of Chandlers company, who Chandler knew over the e-mail and had been invited to the wedding as a cousin of Emily, not knowing Chandler was going to be there. (I know its far fetched, but Phoebes having her brothers triplets, so as far as Im concerned this is perfectly okay!)
With Ross off somewhere with Emily, Joey with Felicity, and Phoebe 3,000 miles away, that left a drought of characters in places. Throwing in Raymond means there is another character, making up the whole six to carry the episode.
I need someone on the inside for the ending to this episode, but I wouldnt spoil it by telling you what happens here, but believe me, its a shocker, and it would change the whole course of the series!
Okay, so thats out the way. Once Ive finished this episode fully (add a few more jokes. Its a bit spartan on the giggles per minute front) Im going to write more episodes, maybe even a whole little series to myself! I really do enjoy writing these episodes, and I will continue to write them in order from this one. Anyone with any Ideas for episodes is more than welcome to e-mail me with suggestions. Also, anyone who wishes to use my writing as a basis for another fanfic, then as long as I get appropriate credit, and a link to my site (and I wouldnt say no to Huge Amounts of Royalties made from it wouldnt go amiss!). You never know. If Marta Kauffman and David Crane are bored one day, looking about on the net, and suddenly stumble over my scripts, and see that raw hidden talent I knew I had for something!
Id like to thank David Crane and Marta Kauffman for writing such brilliant characters, and Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry, and David Schwimmer for creating six of the most likable characters to write for!
Finally, Id like to thank everyone I know, everyone I have known, everyone I will know.
Start of Script
Teaser At the Wedding
(Fade into the last scene of series 4, just before the Incident)
ROSS:
I Ross, take thee Rachel.......uhh, Emily, Emily.
(Everyone looks shocked, stunned, cutting to shots of Emilys and Rachels face)
CHAPLAIN:
Shall I go on?
(Emily looks confused and panicky.)
EMILY:
I dont know, I dont........Ive just got to.......ummm, got to..........
(Emily runs out of the altar, Ross goes after her)
ROSS:
Emily, wait!
(Ross manages to trip off the altar, flying over the small balcony)
ROSS:
Ouch!
(Couple of seconds of stunned silence, shots of all of the friends faces individually, and back to a group shot, all of a sudden you see Joey pick up the phone and say to Phoebe)
JOEY:
Ross just said Rachel instead of Emily. Is this supposed to happen?
(Opening credits)
Scene I At the Wedding
(Cut back to a shot of the chapel, now everyone is mingling in a stunned state. Rachel still looks shell-shocked, Chandler staring into space with that Oh my God, its all gone bad look, Monica is getting the usual niggling from her parents, and Joeys on the pull with Felicity. We see the mobile sitting on the altar, and voiced over we hear Phoebe)
PHOEBE: (V.O.)
Hello? Hello?? You guys, whats going on? YOU GUYS?? Right Im gonna kick all your asses!!
(Cut to Chandler, now standing with Rachel and Monica, Rachel still sitting down, Monica standing up)
CHANDLER:
Oh my God! Oh.....My......God!! What are we going to do? (To Rachel) What are you going to do?? Oh......My.....God!
RACHEL: (Suddenly getting very flustered, fanning her face)
Oh, this wasnt sposed to happen!! Not like this! I was gonna get here, the wedding would be off, I didnt want this! Monica, is everyone staring at me?
MONICA: (Suddenly looking uncomfortable..)
No, not everybody......... umm Joey isnt!
(Cut to shot of Rachels P.O.V., Joey chatting up Felicity, but you can see a few people in the foreground staring at her)
RACHEL:
Chandler, quick, do something funny, take the heat off me.
CHANDLER:
Id like to be able to help, but since my powers are useless here....
(Monica gives Chandler a little hug)
RACHEL:
I have to go talk to Ross, I have to explain.....
MONICA:
Now isnt the best time Rachel, you dont ever pick the best times.
RACHEL:
How can I help how I feel? Its not my fault I cant get my mind off of Ross? I have to talk with him now.
(Rachel goes to get up, Monica holds Rachel back down in her chair)
MONICA:
NO! He has to sort out this with Emily first, he is still marrying her, and he doesnt need the confusion....
CHANDLER:
I know. Two beautiful women vying for my affections on my wedding day. I hope that doesnt happen to ME!
(Monica shoots Chandler a look)
RACHEL:
I miss him Mon. (Start, to get upset) I miss him so much.....
(Monica gives Rachel a hug, and Chandler holds her shoulder)
MONICA:
I know you do, and I always thought youd get together again.....
(Rachel is weeping, and Chandler hands the hanky from his tux, and Monica and Chandler walk away from Rachel, to have a private discussion by the altar. Unfortunately, if u remember, the mobile is by the altar, exactly under where they are speaking. A shot of the camera panning down from Monica and Chandlers face onto the mobile ...... Phoebe can hear everything Monica and Chandler say! In short Uh-oh!)
(Cut to a shot of Phoebe in the Girls flat, sitting with the phone to her ear, listening in)
PHOEBE:
Ooh! Its Chandler and Monica!
(Shes about to shout out, but then becomes interested in what shes hearing)
CHANDLER:
About last night....
MONICA:
What about last night?
CHANDLER:
I didnt mean to make it sound like a mistake.......I mean, it was a mistake, but it was a good mis......I mean, it wasnt a mistake ..... Im going to make again, but,....I mean I would make it ...... again but I dont...... Is it me or am I breathing too loud?
MONICA:
I know, I didnt mean to do it either, but we did, so.......
CHANDLER:
So ..... what? Where do we go from here?
MONICA:
I dont know! I ..... Just dont know anymore. I dont even know how it happened? One minute we were comforting each other on our crappy lives, next minute we were having sex!
(Cut to shot of Phoebe in apartment, just a cut shot of Phoebes face when she hears on the phone what Monica just said, Jaw dropping stuff. Cut back to Monica and Chandler)
CHANDLER:
I know, and ..... and it was wonderful Mon. Ive never felt so comfortable with someone before. I felt..... I felt we CONNECTED!
(Monica brushes a hand across Chandlers chest, resisting the urge to hug him)
MONICA:
I know! I know! It was fabulous. (Knowing Look) Believe me, it was fabulous! (Chandler smiles feeling a little proud of himself) But....
CHANDLER:
No,no,no,no,no. No buts, no buts, just leave it there.
MONICA:
But..... (Chandler looks crestfallen) .... your Chandler. Your like my best friend, my closest friend. I dont think I could handle it, it would be too .......
CHANDLER:
..... Incredible, Sexy, Passionate, Overwhelming?
MONICA:
.....weird! Im sorry I cant really see you that way Chandler .... Im so sorry.
(Chandler and Monica tightly, for a few seconds, then Chandler kisses Monica on the head lightly, then by the looks on their faces you can see they are having second thoughts)
CHANDLER:
Erm, we dont have to stop straight away do we?
MONICA:
Erm, no not straight away, I mean, we could, make one ...... last ..... mistake .....
CHANDLER:
(Stops hugging Monica), Ok meet you in your room in 5 minutes.
MONICA:
(Monica gets out her keys and throws them to Chandler) Count on it!
(Chandler pauses for a second, and runs out of the room like a madman, with a huge smile on his face)
(Cut to shot of Phoebe, taking the phone from her ear, look of complete shock on her face)
PHOEBE:
Oh my God!! This is too HUGE!!
Scene II Still at the Reception
(Cut to Rachel, now sitting alone on the same chair she was sitting on at the wedding, just staring into space. Suddenly she realizes that Chandler and Monica are not there. Seeing Joey busy with Felicity, she sneaks out of her seat, and across the reception to out the back where Ross and Emily are. She obviously cant resist seeing Ross. She sneaks out the back, and looks into a window to Where Ross and Emily are. They are hugging each other tightly. Rachel is Heartbroken. She turns round, visibly upset, and slides down the door and out of shot.)
(Cut to a scene in the reception hall, Rachel walking back to her seat, crest-fallen. Head down, not looking around, in her own little world. She doesnt notice all the staring and bitching that all the people are doing, and she sits down, about to cry. She looks very dejected and very alone. The camera pulls into a shot of just her face, when someone addresses her.)
RAYMOND:
Are you okay?
(Rachel looks up. Its one of the guests, a young man dressed in a smart suit, holding out a hanky for her. He looks smart but hes undone his tie and top button.)
RACHEL:
No, Life Sucks! Just lost the one true love of my life, all my friends seem to have disappeared, and now Im probably the most hated woman in this room.
RAYMOND:
Thats not true!
RACHEL:
Isnt it?
RAYMOND:
Well, actually it is. I was trying to make you feel better.
(Rachel seems to reach a new low, she hangs her head further)
RACHEL:
Ugh! It wasnt sposed to end up like this, I thought Id get here in time, tell him I loved him, hed hold me close, and wed just disappear off together, I thought it would be that easy! I didnt want this, to be rejected, alone, and shunned by almost everyone in England.
RAYMOND:
Dont worry about them, there like all Brits, if theres no-one in a room to hate, then theyll pick on the one with the funny accent! May I sit down?
RACHEL:
Go ahead, if you can stand being seen with an outcast.
(Raymond sits down next to Rachel, and hands her a glass of wine)
RACHEL:
Thanks.
RAYMOND:
Sok, looked like you needed it.
RACHEL:
Look, there all staring at me. Do they all really hate me?
RAYMOND:
The women do. The blokes are mainly staring at your breasts.
RACHEL:
Do the women like ANYTHING about me?
RAYMOND:
They like your hair.
RACHEL:
What were you staring at then?
RAYMOND:
I dont want to answer! Would you believe me if I said you hair?
RACHEL:
No.
RAYMOND:
Oh .....
RACHEL:
But you cant blame them for hating me! I ruined the wedding!
RAYMOND:
Ruined it? Were sitting on a building site, dressed in fairy lights, sitting around with Englands most pompous Citizens. To be perfectly honest youve made it alot more fun for me.
RACHEL:
Im glad in my small little way Ive entertained you! Im sorry, didnt mean to snap, whats your name again?
RAYMOND:
Raymond. Cousin of the Bride. I wouldnt be here, but I had a hangover when they invited me and I couldnt think of a good excuse not to be here. Your Rachel right.
RACHEL:
Good. You were obviously listening! (Rachel looks around) God, look at them, their all standing round, whispering about me. I cant take much more of this!
RAYMOND:
Dont be intimidated! These people are far from perfect! Im related to most of them, I know all their nasty little secrets! Take Mrs. Bridge over there.
RACHEL:
Whos she?
RAYMOND:
The one over there that looks like shes been embalmed. In the bright pink hat and vomit yellow two piece. Shes very prim, very proper, head of the local church fete committee and rotary club. She also likes a drink, and was found one morning outside a train station stark naked with a bottle of drain cleaner! Shes got no hair by the way, thats a wig, really shes bald as a coot! Or that one there, Mrs. Peters. Shes the wife of the local vicar, and the nursery school teacher. (Cut to a very prim, proper woman). She also likes a bit of rough trade, and spends many an evening in truck stops looking for action! Shes thinking of leaving her husband too, because she keeps finding him borrowing her dresses!
(Rachel laughs at the thought...)
RAYMOND:
There, its not so bad is it?
RACHEL:
Yes it is, Im going to lose him, I know it. Hes going to pick Emily, Ill be left alone, and all because I couldnt admit how I was feeling. Ive got to talk to him.....
RAYMOND:
Wont help. The balls in his court now. You are obviously in his thoughts, I mean, if theres one time you concentrate on getting someones name right, its your wedding day! Hes got to decide now. If you rush in with ultimatums, he might pick Emily out of spite, and hell hate you for trying to drive them apart! Its not worth it ...... where have all your mates gone, by the way?
RACHEL:
Well, Ross is with Emily, Joeys over there with Felicity.....
(Cut to shot of Joey and Felicity canoodling)
RAYMOND:
Felicity? You mean Bridesmaid Felicity? Oh dear..... How old is Joey?
RACHEL:
Twenty Eight, why?
RAYMOND:
Oh dear!!
RACHEL:
Why? Whats Wrong??
(Raymond leans over to Rachel, and whispers something into Rachels ear. Suddenly Rachel pulls away with shock, jaw dropped, its obviously pretty bad. Rachel begins to shake her head in disbelief, mouthing No. Raymond nods head slowly. Rachel whispers into Raymonds ear, as if to say Are you sure?. Raymond nods again, and motions with his fingers, and his mouth 1 ..... 5 . Rachel covers her mouth in shock.)
RACHEL:
But he .........
(Raymond suddenly turns round shaking his head, mouthing No, and Rachel Nods slowly)
RAYMOND:
Oh Dear!!! Hope her Dad dont find out!
RACHEL:
Why? Which ones her Dad?
RAYMOND:
The one over there bench pressing the altar!
(Rachel is shocked and covers her mouth again)
RAYMOND:
Well, apart from Joey and Lolita over there, where are the others? They disappeared ages ago.
RACHEL:
I dunno, Monica and Chandler have been disappearing alot since I got here.
(Raymond suddenly turns round, in recognition)
RAYMOND:
Chandler, as in Bing Chandler?
RACHEL:
Erm,...... well yeah, but there may be two, you cant possibly know him.....
RAYMOND:
Bing. Chandler Bing, works in Data processing. Strange around women, uses humor as a defense mechanism, lives with an over-sexed Italian actor called....... (Raymond turns round to look at Joey, still with Felicity. Cuts back to Raymond, who points and says) ..... Joey?
RACHEL:
Yah, you know him!
RAYMOND:
He said he was coming over for a wedding, I didnt know he meant the SAME ONE!
RACHEL:
How do you know him?
RAYMOND:
Over e-mail mainly. I work in the UK division of his company. We once spent 3 weeks e-mailing each other having a huge disagreement over Which one was the sexiest Spice Girl....
RACHEL:
Emailing each-other? Doesnt anyone ever work at your company?
RAYMOND:
Well, you know how it is ...... youre bored, youre waiting for the WENUS .....
RACHEL:
But he never told us about you .....
RAYMOND:
So? Name one person who works with Chandler!
RACHEL:
Well, theres ............................... Okay you win!
RAYMOND:
Im not surprised I spose. How long did it take you to find out he had three nipples?
RACHEL:
Hmmmmm, true!
(Cut to a sudden realization from Raymond)
RAYMOND:
That makes you Rachel Green then. God, Im honored!
(Rachel turns round interested)
RACHEL:
Oh, whys that??
RAYMOND:
Well, its a long story.....
(Rachels even more interested, grabbing his knee to shake it out of him)
RACHEL:
No! Come on! Tell.....
RAYMOND:
Well, youre kind of a legend in our company, everyone knows about the mysterious woman Rachel Green. Remember when Chandler was looking for a date for you?
RACHEL:
(Interrupts) Cant Forget That!
RAYMOND:
Right, well, he scanned a picture of you into his computer and e-mailed it to a few prospective men in the NY Office. Well the picture has kind of (motions with hands) ..... spread. You know, one friend mailed to another, its pretty much gone all over the globe now. Pictures of you are on wallpapers and hard disks all over the world. The New York Office got about 75 requests by blokes to relocate there. I know for a fact people in the Paris office now judge women by the Green index....
RACHEL:
(Interrupting again) I didnt need to know that.....
RAYMOND:
No you didnt. I think theres even a shrine to you in the Tokyo office! You even have your own website!
(Rachel gives Raymond a hug for making her feel better)
RACHEL:
Oh your good! Thanx for making me feel alot better.
RAYMOND:
Sok, I should be thanking you....
RACHEL:
Why?
RAYMOND:
Ive met Rachel Green, I never have to buy my own lunch ever again!
(Ross walks into shot, obviously a little shocked to see Rachel hugging a strange bloke.)
ROSS:
Umm, Rachel, can I talk to you?
(Raymond motions to Rachel, as if to say Go on, and Rachel stands up and walks off with Ross to have a private chat. The camera pans across them, and onto Felicity and Joey. Joey and Felicity are canoodling, blissfully unaware.)
JOEY:
Hang on Felicity, just gotta (kiss) do (kiss) something (kiss)
FELICITY:
Ok, dont be long, sexy!
JOEY:
Okay (As he turns away he pulls an exciting happy face, rubbing his hands. Joey walks over to the mobile and picks it up) Hey, Pheebs, Phoebes? Hello??
(Theres a voice over of Phoebe snoring lightly, and then a cut to see her asleep on the sofa, phone still on her ear.)
JOEY:
Shhhhh, okay, sleep tight Phoebe, bye (Joey hangs up the Mobile) Hey Felicity, How you doin?
Scene III Private Room
(Cut to a small Private room, the same room that Emily and Ross were in earlier, and now Ross and Rachel are in there, Rachel is led in, and Ross closes the door behind them. They both try and talk over each other for a few seconds, they try again, and again. Until Ross lets Rachel talk first.)
RACHEL:
Look, Im sorry about your wedding Ross, I didnt mean to..... I wouldnt have come if ..... I just had to tell you that .....
ROSS:
That you wish me luck, is that what you came to say?? (Ross sounds angry, hes got a mad look in his eye. This isnt the conversation Rachel was hoping for)
RACHEL:
No, I came to say..... came to say ...... I love you!
(Cut to Rosss face, a mixture of shock, and relief. Complete silence for a few seconds, shots of both their faces)
ROSS:
Rachel ..... I love you too (Rachel gets all excited, and starts going all squeaky, saying how great it is and how happy she is. She goes to hug Ross, but Ross flinches away.) But, (she stops dead) Im not in love with you anymore.
(Silence, shock, horror!)
RACHEL:
What? Wha ... wha .... what??
ROSS:
I dont think Im in love with you any more Rachel.
(Fade Out Fade In)
RACHEL:
What do ya mean you dont love me anymore. What about what happened up there (pointing at the altar). I know you love me too, stop fighting it. Were sposed to be together!
ROSS:
No, no Rachel! You always do this, you did this with Julie, you did this with Bonnie, now your doing it with Emily. You dont want me, you just dont want anyone else to have me, YOU JUST DONT WANT ME TO BE HAPPY!
RACHEL:
THATS A LIE!
(They both really begin to shout now)
ROSS:
WHAT! Any time Ive reached just a tiny little piece of happiness since weve been out, youve manipulated me into coming back to you! Youve lied, begged and cheated me, and when like a fool I did come back, youve demanded so much and set out your own little set of Rachel Rules, and for some reason I have to play along!!
RACHEL:
Thats not true!! I love you, and I cant stand by and see you marry another woman.....
ROSS:
WHY NOT! You said it was over between us, you said you were happy for me. Now you turn up saying you love me and you want me to drop my life again and come running back to you? No Rachel, not this time!
RACHEL:
What about Carol? How did you feel when Carol left you for Susan. How did you feel when they got married. The woman you were married to for 4 years suddenly she didnt want you, and she Married Susan instead. HOW DID THAT FEEL!
ROSS:
(Slightly Ashamed) I felt terrible.....
RACHEL:
Yes, Terrible. How do you think it is for me to sit by and see the one man Ive ever truly loved in my entire life go off and marry someone else? How do you think I feel when I have to sit and smile politely whenever you and Emily are in the room, telling you how wonderful I think it is? How do you think I feel when I see the only man I trust kissing another woman. HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL!!
ROSS;
(Begins to weaken, but then strengthens up again) No Rachel, not again! We can sit there and want each other until the day we die, but we cant be together and make each other sooooo unhappy either!
RACHEL:
We werent unhappy together!
ROSS:
We were! We always were! We managed to find some way of making each other suffer. You dont want me!
RACHEL:
I do!!
ROSS:
No, Rachel, you dont! You want me there when youve had a hard day at work! You want me there to listen to how bad your boyfriends are. You want me there when someone has been mean to you. You only want me there to listen to your problems!! Make YOU feel better!
RACHEL:
No! I want you there because your the one man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and excuse me if I say, its not all my fault it didnt work out! What about you, you spend most of your life fantasizing about me, and do nothing about it, and then you finally get me, and at the first sign of trouble you go sleep with someone else!
ROSS:
WE ..... WERE ..... ON ..... A ..... BREAK!!!
RACHEL:
Yes! Yes we were, and how did you think it made me feel when you did that? I thought wed spend a couple of days apart, and start again. But you sleep with that woman THREE HOURS after we break up. THREE HOURS ROSS! You got over me after three hours. Thats pretty tough to get over. You spend weeks accusing me of sleeping with Mark, and then you swan off and boff that Xerox Girl! Do you know how stupid that made me feel. You dont take responsibility Ross. You just thought Id fall into your arms all those years, and we finally start to make something great, Ross, and it was really great, but you find someone else to blame when it isnt going your way. You sleep with someone else and yet its MY fault?? For once Ross, take responsibility, take what YOU want. (Rachel sees Ross remove something from his pocket) Whats that?
ROSS:
I am taking responsibility Rachel. I know what we had was great, but Ive moved on. I wish I thought you came here to wish me luck in my new life Rachel, but you didnt, you came here to confuse me, and break me and Emily up. Emily and me are going through with this marriage, tomorrow, and ..... (Ross begins to choke on his words) ...... and ..... and I dont want you to be here when I do.
(Shock Horror!!)
(Ross hands Rachel a envelope)
RACHEL:
(with disbelief) What??
ROSS:
In here is a ticket home Rachel. Ive bought you a ticket back to the US. If you cant be happy for me, I dont want you at the wedding. Ill remember you for the rest of my life, but I want to be with Emily now. Im sorry.
(Rachel wells up, and runs out of the room, crying, holding the envelope. Ross sees her run out, falls back onto a chair, and breaks down in tears too. Slow fade out)
Scene IV
(Fade up, in time to see Rachel sprint out of the Reception, crying wildly)
RAYMOND:
Rachel, Wait!
(Raymond runs after her)
(Cut to scene in a corridor, Rachel is sitting there sobbing in the corner, when Raymond comes rushing in)
RAYMOND:
Rachel, whats wrong? What happened?
RACHEL:
Hes sending me home!! SENDING ME HOME! Hes bought me a ticket, and basically said he doesnt want me anymore! (Continues crying wildly)
(Raymond sits down next to her in the corridor. Puts an arm around her to comfort her)
RAYMOND:
Shhhhhh. Its ok, Its ok.
RACHEL:
No! No its not! Ive lost him, for good now, he doesnt want to see me ever again. Ever Again! Thats a long time!
RAYMOND:
Its alright, hes angry, and he doesnt know why, hes just looking for a target. Come on, lets go see your friend Monica. You know where shes staying?
(Cut to Raymond with his arm round Rachel ushering her out.
SCENE V -
(Cut to an outside shot of the hotel, Monicas hotel. Chandler and Monica are in Bed)
CHANDLER:
Now that was good.
MONICA:
Oh Yeah! That was good!
CHANDLER:
Do you think we could stay like this? Close friends who sleep together occasionally? Okay, frequently then!
MONICA:
Sounds a good idea, but we cant.....
CHANDLER:
Why not? Its the best form of exercise, were just helping each other stay trim, keep our bodies in tip-top shape!
MONICA:
(Laughs) Yeah, its just our own little form of circuit training!
CHANDLER:
Yeah ..... fancy another run around the block?
MONICA:
Id love to, but I cant Chandler, I should go and see how Rachel is doing. Ive been feeling guilty for leaving her there, shell be there on her own. (Monica goes to get up, Chandler pulls her back down again.
CHANDLER:
Oh, no no no no no! Please stay Monica, just a little while longer, just a little bit more. Let me hold you for at least a few more minutes. This is the longest Ive ever stayed in bed with a woman that I didnt have to pay for!
(Monica looks a little disgusted)
CHANDLER:
And your still the most beautiful woman I know that didnt have staples in her
stomach!
(Monica blushes a little, at Chandlers attempted compliment.)
CHANDLER:
Fancy a little ....... (Chandler holds up seven fingers)
MONICA:
(Breaking into a smile) Ohhhhh, okay then!
(Chandlers head dives under the covers, and Monica drapes the duvet over them)
Scene VI Outside Monicas Hotel Room
(Cut to a shot of outside Monicas hotel room door. You can hear Monicas hyper giggling coming from the door. Suddenly, Joey comes into shot and knocks on the door)
JOEY:
Hey Monica you in there??
Scene VII Inside Monicas Hotel Room
(Cut to Monicas head shooting up from underneath the sheets, panic in her face)
MONICA:
(Calls to Joey) Just a minute! (To Chandler) Oh my God, its Joey! Quick Chandler, hide somewhere!
(Chandler jumps out of bed, in his boxers, looking around, jumping about like a mad thing, looking for somewhere to hide)
CHANDLER:
Where, where? (Grabs Monica by the arms) Hey I have a question ...... WHERE!
MONICA:
Emmm .... (Monica looks about too, thinking) .... I got it. On the balcony!!
(Chandler runs to the window, pulling the curtains open, and seeing window cleaners at the window in their cradle. Cut to a shot from outside on the cradle. Chandler stops dead. Looks at the window cleaners, smiles.)
CHANDLER:
Afternoon
CLEANER 1:
Afternoon
(Chandler closes the curtains, and turns to Monica in a panic)
CHANDLER:
You havent got a balcony!!
MONICA:
I KNOW!!
(All this time, theres been knocking at the door, Joey wanting to be let in)
JOEY:
Come on Monica, its important!!
MONICA:
(To Chandler) Quick, under the covers!!
CHANDLER:
Thats the stupidest......
MONICA:
(Interrupting) NOW!!
(Chandler doesnt argue, and dives under the covers. Monica pulls the sheets over him, as Chandler lies as flat as he can. It still looks really obvious. Monica sees the suitcase full of neat clothes on the side, and quickly thinks, and empties the clothes all over the bed, hiding Chandler as well as could be expected, She then slams the suitcase onto the bed)
CHANDLER:
Ow!!
MONICA:
Sorry Chandler!
(Monica then goes to open the door, realizing shes in a little silk nightie. She cant open the door like this! She begins to root around the clothes on the bed for a dressing gown. Joey knocks again)
JOEY:
Monica I really need to pee!!
(Monica gives up looking, and just goes over and opens the door, in her little silk Nightie, trying to make herself look composed)
(Cut to a shot from outside the door with Joey, as he sees Monica open the door in her tiny little nightie, Joey cant help staring at her breasts, nodding with a huge grin on his face)
JOEY:
Hey!!!!
(Monica sees this and folds her arms, covering them. But Joeys completely lost his train of thought, still staring in that direction for a few seconds)
MONICA:
Joey!
(Joey snaps out of it, and begins saying what he came there for)
JOEY:
Oh, er.... Just wondering where you were Mon, didnt see you about at the reception, can I come in?
MONICA:
Erm, well.......
(without hearing what Monica says, Joey walks in)
JOEY:
Thanks. Can I go to the Bathroom.
MONICA:
Sure.
(Joey wanders off into the room. From inside the bathroom, hes still talking to Monica.)
JOEY:
(V.O.) Well, phew, that was a bit of a turn up at the wedding eh ....
MONICA:
Joey?
JOEY:
(V.O.) What?
MONICA:
Can you not talk to me while you pee?
JOEY:
(V.O.) Oh sorry!
(Chandlers head appears from under some clothes)
CHANDLER:
Can I come out now?
(Monica says nothing and just leans on Chandlers head, pushing him back under the covers)
CHANDLER:
Hey! Careful!
(Joey hears what Chandler said)
JOEY:
(V.O.) What did you say Mon?
MONICA:
Nothing! (Hitting Chandlers head as she says it)
(Joey comes back out of the toilet, just finishing doing up his flies, and sees the mess all over Monicas bed)
JOEY:
What ya doin?
MONICA:
(Looks at the mess, and takes a couple of moments to think of a good reply) Erm, packing.
JOEY:
Packing?
MONICA:
(Talking a little too fast, sounding like shes hiding something) Er Yeah. Thats right. I mean there isnt going to be a wedding, Thought Id beat the rush!
JOEY:
Thats what I came here to say Mon! Looks like the weddings still on! Ross and Emily are making an speech later, saying what happened and what there gonna do now (Joey moves round and sits on the edge of the bed. Chandler squeals as Joey sits on part of his body)
CHANDLER:
Yarghh!
JOEY:
(Joey looks round suddenly) What was that?
MONICA:
(Thinking quickly) Errr, the radio, (quickly leans across to the alarm clock and pretends to turn it off)
JOEY:
(Getting up and moving to the Window) Do you mind if I open a window, its a bit stuffy in here.
MONICA:
Err ...
(Joey does it anyway, and draws the curtains. The window cleaners are still there, there staring intently, looking at Monica as if to say "Two men in as many minutes!" Monica walks up to the window, does the Ross finger to the window cleaners, which shocks them, and she draws the curtains again, as the cleaners winch themselves down. Monica didnt see what Joey was doing, and is now lying on Monicas bed, trying to get comfortable, bouncing up and down slightly and wriggling. Chandler must be in agony!)
JOEY:
Hey Mon, your beds really lumpy, Id complain!
MONICA:
Joey, can you get off there? Youll ruin my system!
(Joey looks down on the obvious mess on the bed)
JOEY:
What system? Dyou wanna hand Mon?
(Joey begins to pick up clothes off the bed. Monica panics for a sec, and then knows how to get Joeys attention. She looks out of the window...)
MONICA:
Look Joey! A British policeman!
JOEY:
Where?! (Joey get all excited and runs to the window)
MONICA:
Over there! (Monica opens the window, and as Joey hangs his head out, Monica leans back and gets Chandlers attention. Knowing what she means, Chandler crawls out from under the bed, and begins to head for the bathroom. Joey looks back into the apartment to say something to Monica. Chandler dives behind the bed quickly to hide.)
JOEY:
Hey Mon, look! Hes running after that mugger!
MONICA:
(Faking Excitement) Oooh, where!
(Joey looks back out the window, and that gives Chandler the chance to slip out of the room into the bathroom)
JOEY:
(Coming in from hanging out of the window, disappointed) Awwwww! They ran round the corner!
Mon, are you coming to see Ross and Emily?
MONICA:
Joey (motioning to how shes dressed), Not like this! Tell you what, Ill meet you all down there in half an hour.
JOEY:
(Walking to the door) Oh, and have you seen Chandler?
MONICA:
(Answering a little too fast) No! No, no no No! I havent seen him, why should I have seen him?
JOEY:
Okay, Ill see you later Mon, bye, (Walking out of the door)
(Monica shuts the door and leans on it. Sighing deeply with relief, mouthing "Thank God!". Remembering what Joey was doing, she runs to the Bathroom, just as Chandler stumbles out)
MONICA:
Are you alright Chandler?
CHANDLER:
Ow, ooh , ouch, ouch. I think Ive broken ... EVERYTHING!!
(Monica runs up to Chandler and kisses him deeply)
MONICA:
Mmmmmmm poor Chandler!
(Suddenly, theres a knock on the door. Monica and Chandler both jump. Monica pushes Chandler back into the bathroom, despite his protests, you hear Chandler trip and fall.)
CHANDLER:
Owww!
(Monica rushes over to the door, and opens it quickly. Its Raymond and Rachel. Rachel is crying, and Raymond is shepherding her into the room.)
MONICA:
Rachel? Whats wrong? What happened?
RAYMOND:
I dunno, Ross asked her for a chat, and she came out balling her eyes out. I thought Id better bring her to her friends.
MONICA:
Thank you...... Whats your name?
RACHEL:
(In a high pitch squeaky voice) Ray .... Mond!
MONICA:
Thanks Raymond! Youre a gentleman.
RAYMOND:
Sok. Do you mind if I stick about to see if everythings alright?
RACHEL:
(Still Squeaky) O...K...
MONICA:
Ok Rachel. Id better get you cleaned up. Lets go into the ...(realizing)... bathroom. Erm, have you seen the view out of my window, its brilliant. Have a look.
RAYMOND:
Do I have to, I mean I live here I pretty much know whats out there!
MONICA:
(Her voice drops and she glares at Raymond.) LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW!
RAYMOND:
(Scared witless) OK Rach, lets both look out of the window. (Raymond shepherds Rachel to the window. He says under his breath...) God you didnt tell me she was mental!
(While Raymond and Rachel look out of the window, Monica takes Chandler out of the Bathroom and forces him under Monicas bed)
MONICA:
Ok Rach, lets go in the bathroom and get you cleaned up. Well be back in a few minutes Ray, make yourself comfortable.
RAYMOND:
Okay Monica.
(Monica and Rachel disappear out of shot, into the bathroom. Leaving Raymond alone in the room. Raymond strolls around a little, looking about. Raymond winds up standing next to Monicas bed, looks around the flat whistling lightly.)
RAYMOND:
(In a mocking airy-fairy voice) Chandler?? Chandie-Wandie-Landie-Chandler??
(Raymond then kicks the bottom of the bed hard a couple of times, getting a couple of ouches from Chandler)
CHANDLER:
Oww, Owwwww, god I think Im bleeding. Who are you?
RAYMOND:
Well, let me just say I wonder what scary spice would say if she saw you in this predicament!
CHANDLER:
Ray? Raymond Slater? What are you doing here?
RAYMOND:
If you werent UNDER THE BED, Id ask you the same question! Seems like we got invites to the same wedding. Small world isnt it? Rachel was really upset, everyone in the reception were treating her like a leper, so I thought Id cheer her up. Then she had a bust up with Ross, and came out balling!
CHANDLER:
How did you know Im here?
RAYMOND:
Well, lets just say Ive hidden in other peoples girlfriends rooms enough to know where Id hide!
CHANDLER:
Ray, what am I gonna do man. I cant let my friends see me with Monica. Weve gotta keep it a secret!
RAYMOND:
Why?
CHANDLER:
BECAUSE ITS MONICA! MY BEST FRIEND MONICA! We cant be seen together, theyd be too much pressure!
RAYMOND:
Tell ya what. If I can get you out of here without being rumbled, You owe the UK division a four week extension on the Heidel contract!
CHANDLER:
I cant give you that!!
RAYMOND:
(Calls out). Oh, RACHEL!!
CHANDLER:
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Okay, Okay, whatever, just get me out of this!
RAYMOND:
Okay, okay. Keep your two remaining nipples on!
(Monica comes back in, with Rachel, who looks alot better but still is very upset.)
MONICA:
What happened Rachel. What did Ross say?
RACHEL:
Well. Ross asked to see me, and I said I loved him, and he said he loved me too, but he was sooo angry with me, and started saying how Id ruined his day, and I said I was sorry but he wouldnt listen and he kept saying how I ruined his relationships, and how I didnt want him to have a girlfriend, and how I was selfish and spoilt and ..... and thats when he gave me this. (Rachel hands Monica the Envelope)
MONICA:
Whats this? (Monica looks into the envelope). Plane tickets??
RACHEL:
Yah! He doesnt want me here. Hes going to get married again and he doesnt want me to be anywhere near him! (Rachel starts to cry again)
MONICA:
That dufus! Im gonna go there and rip his head off!! Hes way out of line for doing this! Rachel, go get yourself a room here, and then well sort this all out before he gets married again!
RACHEL:
I cant!! I maxed out my credit card just getting here! I cant afford the room. Im going to have to go home Monica...... Ive lost him (starts crying harder.)
RAYMOND:
Look. They rented me out a room here, its a nice single room, I havent even been in it yet. Probably even still got the mint on the pillow. (Raymond hands Rachel his key). Here, you can have it. You need somewhere to stay more than I do!
RACHEL:
(Whining, still upset) But where will you stay?
RAYMOND:
Dont worry, I can stay with a couple of friends (kicks Chandler under the bed) Cant I?
CHANDLER:
Oww!
RACHEL:
What was that?
RAYMOND:
Nothing!
(Monica stares at Raymond, knowing that he knows Chandlers here, Raymond puts his finger over his mouth, showing he knows its a secret.)
MONICA:
Okay I have to go see Ross, get this dufus sorted out (Monica quickly puts on some more clothes quickly)
RAYMOND:
Monica, take Rachel to my room, get her settled in, and Ill (stressing the point) clean up here!
(Monica smiles a thank you)
MONICA:
Okay Rachel, lets go get you into your room.
RACHEL:
Thanks Raymond.
RAYMOND:
Thats okay, your welcome
(Monica and Rachel leave, the door slamming behind them. Chandlers head appears from under the bed)
RAYMOND:
You dont do things by halves do ya Chandie?
(End scene, fade out and in again)
Scene VIII Inside Rachels Hotel room
(Rachel is asleep on the bed, completely out cold. Monica is sneakily reaching for the phone and dialing out. Suddenly cuts to Phoebe in the apartment, asleep. The phone begins to ring, making Phoebe jump, since the phone was right beside her ear. Phoebe presses a button on the phone and answers, as the two talk, the scene cuts from Monica to Phoebe)
PHOEBE:
Hello??
MONICA:
Hi Pheebs.
PHOEBE:
Monica! Whats going on over there?
MONICA:
Ross and Emily are going ahead with the wedding! Were gonna be a couple of extra days here while they re-arrange it. But its still on! Im still gonna be a sister-in-law!
PHOEBE:
Uh-huh, and with you and Chandler?
MONICA:
(Shocked) How did you know about that?
PHOEBE:
I not without my sources! I have ways and means! I have connections! Okay, I overheard you on the phone!
MONICA:
Please Phoebe! Dont tell anyone about it! It was a stupid mistake!
PHOEBE:
Was it?
(Cut over to Chandler and Raymond, talking in Monicas room)
CHANDLER:
Of course it was a mistake! A silly, stupid, irresponsible ....... silly mistake!
RAYMOND:
You said silly twice!
CHANDLER:
I know!
RAYMOND:
Are you sure Chandler?
CHANDLER:
Yes! (Raymond gives Chandler a knowing look) No!
RAYMOND:
Why not?
CHANDLER:
Being with her felt so good ......
(Cut back to Phoebe and Monica again)
PHOEBE:
How good?
MONICA:
Believe me Pheebs, the windows were rattling!
PHOEBE:
Mmmmmm sounds good, I never saw Chandler as the window rattler kind! Are you going to see him again?
MONICA:
I dont know Phoebe!
PHOEBE:
Why not?
(Cut back to Raymond and Chandler)
CHANDLER:
Shes Monica. Shes the girl in the next apartment Monica Ive known her since I moved to New York. Shes my best friends sister. I mean thats nearly incest!!
RAYMOND:
You panic too much Chandler.
CHANDLER:
(Babbling Fast) Oh, do I? Do I, Do I panic Do I? Have you slept with YOUR best friends sister recently?
RAYMOND:
Ok, thats your last coffee! I tell ya, Ive seen her, in fact Ive seen quite a bit of her! And I can tell ya shes quite a woman! Havent you ever looked at her in that way?
(Cut to Monica and Phoebe)
MONICA:
Maybe once or twice, when I was feeling really low, hed come over and give me a hug. It felt really good, but I always thought of him just as a really good friend Pheebs. I didnt think I thought of him ..... in that way!
PHOEBE:
So? Whats changed?
MONICA:
I dunno Pheebs, at that rehearsal dinner, when we were talking, I just felt something so strong towards him. You know what I mean?
PHOEBE:
And now?
(Cut back to Chandler and Raymond)
CHANDLER:
I just cant resist being near her! Whenever I see her I just wanna rip off all her clothes, and do all naughty things with her.
RAYMOND:
That might frown on that at the ceremony! Id try and control THAT urge in public! To be honest, I cant see your problem, Chandler. You are sleeping with a beautiful woman whos obviously attracted to you, that you love and care about, and you know really well, and your really intimate with! I wish I had your moral dilemmas!
CHANDLER:
What if shes not attracted to me?
(Cut to Phoebe and Monica)
PHOEBE:
Believe me, if someone sleeps with you, that normally a good sign!
MONICA:
What if he isnt though!
PHOEBE:
I cant believe it! You two ..... people, have been dancing around each other for too long! Ive been waiting for you two to stop being so ..... squirly around each other and admit how you feel. He LOVES you Monica, and you love him. So stop being so PARANOID and tell him.
(Cut to Chandler and Raymond)
CHANDLER:
Im not sure how I feel about her.
RAYMOND:
Oh come on! I cant believe you are SO in denial! Every time you e-mail me, shall I tell you what it says! It says Rachels dizzy, Phoebes dizzier, Ross is nerdy, Joey is stupid, and I LOVE MONICA!.
CHANDLER:
Does it?
RAYMOND:
If you were a caveman, youd have whacked her on the head and dragged her to your cave by now! Okay, let me put it a different way, who do you go to for relationship advice?
CHANDLER:
Monica?
(Cut to Phoebe and Monica)
PHOEBE:
Who do you go to when youve broken up with someone, and you feel really sad?
MONICA:
Chandler!
(Cut to Raymond and Chandler)
RAYMOND:
Who do you spend your spare time with more than anyone?
CHANDLER:
Monica?
(Cut to Monica and Phoebe)
PHOEBE:
Who do you go to make you laugh?
MONICA:
Chandler.
(Cut to Raymond and Chandler)
RAYMOND:
Who do you trust most in the world?
CHANDLER:
(Finally realizing) MONICA!
(Cut to Phoebe and Monica)
PHOEBE:
Who would you want your child to grow up like?
MONICA:
(Missing the point) George Bush? ........(Finally realizing too) Chandler!
(Cut to Raymond and Chandler)
RAYMOND:
WHO DO YOU LOVE?
CHANDLER:
MONICA!
(Cut to Monica and Phoebe)
PHOEBE:
WHO DO YOU LOVE?
MONICA:
CHANDLER!
PHOEBE:
RIGHT! GO GET HIM!!!
(Monica drops the phone down and begins to leg it out of the room, when you hear Phoebe shout out wait from the phone)
PHOEBE:
Tell Raymond hes yummy!
MONICA:
Err okay.
(Monica puts the phone down. Then cut to an apartment shot, with Phoebe doing a little dance with her hands to celebrate her victory)
PHOEBE:
La la la la la la!!
(All this stuff has woken up Rachel, and she is a bit groggy)
RACHEL:
Whats all this noise? Whats going on?
MONICA:
Im in love with Chandler!!!
RACHEL:
Oh, as long as its not important. (Monica legs it out of the room, and Rachel settles down for a second before she realizes what Monica said. She jumps off the bed and after Monica.)
RACHEL:
WHAT?!! What did you say?
(Cut to Raymond and Chandler. Chandler is all excited, jumping around about what hes just realized)
CHANDLER:
Oh my God! I mean OH MY GOD I gotta see Monica .....
(Chandler sprints off after Monica, leaving with a shot of Raymond looking all smug at his success!)
RAYMOND:
The lurve doctor strikes again!
SCENE IX Montage
(Cut to a montage of Chandler and Monica running through various places, maybe getting into taxis or on tube trains, lasting about 20 seconds, until.....)
SCENE X Corridor
(Monica turns into one side of the corridor or room, just as Chandler turns into the other. They both stop dead, and see each other)
MONICA:
Hi....
CHANDLER:
Err, Hi.
(then a slow build up of stirring music, as they pause for a few seconds, and then sprint at each other, wrapping their arms around each other and kissing passionately, through all the kisses you hear...)
CHANDLER:
I love you, Monica!
MONICA:
I love you too Chandler!
(We then just see a scene of them holding each other tightly, as the camera pulls away from them, and then fades out, stirring music still playing...)
(Advert Break Boy! We deserve one!)
SCENE XI
(Same scene as before, from a slightly different angle, Monica and Chandler are still kissing, completely involved in each other. After a few seconds, Raymond appears from behind them, looking round.)
RAYMOND:
Erm, I know this is a very passionate and romantic moment for you both, but dont we have to be somewhere else? (No reaction) Ok, Ill go on ahead then!
(Raymond disappears from shot, and then appears again)
RAYMOND:
Dont forget to breathe! (Still no reaction)
SCENE XII Wedding reception
(Cut to the wedding Reception, The crowd from before are there, all nibbling away on the catering. In the background you can still see Rosss and Emilys parents still bickering about the bill, waving bits of paper and quibbling. In the foreground, Raymond and Rachel enter the Reception, Chandler and Monica a few steps behind. Monica just doing herself up a little, Chandler slightly tightening his tie. Monica goes up to her Parents, with Chandler, Raymond and Rachel. Rachel feels uncomfortable, and slips away, going to hide away in the toilets.)
JACK GELLER:
My little harmonica, I havent seen you all day ... I hope you havent been all alone.
(Cut to an embarrassed shot of Monica)
RAYMOND:
(Under his Breath) No chance of that!
JUDY GELLER:
(Reaches over and straightens Monicas hair) Darling, dont wear your hair like that, it makes you look dumpy!
MONICA:
Thanks Mom.
JUDY GELLER:
(Spots Raymond) Oooh, I havent seen you before. Whats your name?
RAYMOND:
Erm, Raymond, Mrs. Geller.
JUDY GELLER:
Oooh, English too! Please, call me Judy (under her breath) ..... or Mom.
(Monica shoots her Mother with an Evil look)
JUDY GELLER:
So, Raymond ..... are you single? Because my little Monicas is between men at the moment, maybe youd like to .....
RAYMOND:
Im sorry Mrs. Geller, sorry, Judy ..... but Im attached at the moment. Besides, I think Id be a little too young for your daughter.
JUDY GELLAR:
Nonsense. Its getting so bad wed be glad to see her with anyone!
(Another evil look from Monica to her Mom)
MR WALTHAM:
Excuse me, but we havent finished our discussion.....
JACK GELLER:
As far as Im concerned were finished, I refuse to pay for your landscape gardeners!
MR WALTHAM:
But what about our Atrium??
JACK GELLAR:
As far as Im concerned, you can take your atrium and shove it up your ......
RAYMOND:
(Interrupting) Steven! How are you? Havent seen you since last Christmas? Hows Andrea? Still on that all Cabbage diet??
MR WALTHAM:
Fraid Not old boy. She has heard that sex is the best form of Exercise. She has become very demanding in bed!
(Raymond physically shudders at the thought)
MR WALTHAM:
Well, you dont have to be there Raymond!
RAYMOND:
True. Have you seen Emily? I havent said hello to her since I arrived.
MR WALTHAM:
Oh, shes busy with Russ.
JACK GELLAR:
Ross!
MR WALTHAM:
Whatever. Personally I dont see why she had to marry an American to be perfectly honest. She was perfectly happy with that Colin, and he had prospects. I tell you, he was fourth in line for his fathers salad dressing business.
JACK GELLER:
Excuse me, are you calling Americans stupid.
MR WALTHAM:
Well, not stupid per se, just not at mentally alert at the average Englishman.
(Raymond winces at the comment. Jack Geller pushes Raymond out of the way)
JACK GELLER:
Slow? SLOW! It was us slow Americans that bailed your scrawny English butt out of two world wars. It was us SLOW AMERICANS that paid off all your scrawny English debts after two world wars! If it wasnt for the greatest fighting force in the world, youd be having your scrawny English butt kicked up and down the strasse by the Gestapo!!
(While this is going on, Ross and Emily come out, to make an announcement, walking to and standing on a small podium, where the band would have been. As the argument continues, Ross tries to call order)
MR WALTHAM:
You are all a bunch of savages over there. We come and try to install a bit of order, and you throw us all out, and our tea too.
JACK GELLER:
Well! If you petty minded little socialist beurocrats didnt tax it to hell, maybe we wouldnt have had to!
MR WALTHAM
Us Brits could still show you a thing or two. Wed show you how to win a war!
JACK GELLER:
America? The greatest fighting force in the world? Against Britain? (Starts to laugh)
MR WALTHAM:
What about Vietnam? The greatest fighting force against a bunch of little men called Kim! Who won that eh?
(Jack Geller goes to throw a punch. Ross shouts up just in time)
ROSS:
(Glaring at the two about to brawl) Could I have everybodys attention! (The two stop dead) Thank you! Id just like to make an announcement. Im sorry about todays marriage, or lack of one. Only a little mix-up, nothing bad. And I hope you can all come tomorrow, same time, same place, for Ross and Emilys Marriage, part two! I hope that .... (Cuts to a shot from behind Ross, Rachel has just walked in, and is staring at him, tears down her face looking really sad. Then a shot of Emilys face, and Raymond's, who looks over his shoulder to Rachel, and back to Ross, who is immediately affected by seeing her crying. Its obvious that Ross still loves her) ....... er youll stay around and have fun. (Ross walks off the stage, clearly shaken. Emily looks worried, trying to make everything look alright.)
(Raymond goes over to Rachel)
RAYMOND:
Are you alright?
RACHEL:
Yeah ...... No. Oh I dont know anymore!
(Chandler, Monica, Joey and Felicity come over to comfort Rachel.)
RAYMOND:
Erm, Ive gotta go have a word with Emily. See you in a minute.
Scene XIII Private Room
(Cut to a shot of Ross and Emily in a room, their both being all touchy feely, but its obvious their both not happy. Raymond comes in)
EMILY:
Ray!
RAYMOND:
Hiya cuz! How are ya?
EMILY:
(Glad to have someone else in the room) Fine fine! You?
RAYMOND:
Not good. Ive got this really serious problem, can I talk to you Em?
EMILY:
Of course!
(A couple of seconds of silence, until Ross gets the hint and leaves in a huff. They both wait until Ross has gone.)
EMILY:
So, whats up?
(Raymond smiles)
RAYMOND:
So, my big cousin Emilys getting married! I dont believe it! My last serious relationship dumped me because I wasnt allowed to stay out past 10 o clock on a school night!
EMILY:
Really? Youve been single all that time?
RAYMOND:
Yeah, I dont broadcast it though. How can you admit to anyone you lost your last girlfriend to New Kids on the Block?
(Emily laughs)
Ahh, the good old days, the fights, the tears, the tantrums, the constant nagging? And that was just our parents! I still remember you running up and down the streets, just in your little flowery underwear. God, I still remember the looks on the neighbors faces!
EMILY:
Well, I was sixteen at the time!
RAYMOND:
True.....
EMILY:
I dont think the vicar ever quite recovered to be honest!
(The both laugh nervously)
RAYMOND:
Are you alright?
EMILY:
(Tries, but fails to sound convincing) Fine, Fine! Couldnt be happier! I mean, Im getting married! In Montgomery Hall, to Ross! Everythings perfect!
RAYMOND:
Come on Em, be honest, its me your talking to. Little Cousin Ray? (Looks down on himself) Well, maybe not so much of the little, but still your cousin! Come on, if you cant be honest with someone you changed nappies for, who can you be honest with!
EMILY:
Its Ross.
RAYMOND:
What about him? Another woman? Hes gay? Too much hair gel?
EMILY:
Well, ..... that and ........... I dont think he wants to marry me.
RAYMOND:
You saw it didnt you.
EMILY:
(Pretending not to know) Saw what?
RAYMOND:
The way he looked at her when she walked into the room just now.
EMILY:
(Visibly sighs), yes, that!
RAYMOND:
Ok, youve got a choice now, I can be supportive, or honest. Whichever one you want!
EMILY:
Ok, supportive first ......
RAYMOND:
Of course he loves you! How could he look at another woman! Get married to him, youll be together forever!
EMILY:
(Sighs again) .... and honest?
RAYMOND:
Dont do it! He loves Rachel, always has done, always will do. He might marry you Em, but he loves her!
EMILY:
What do you know Raymond? The last serious girlfriend you had had to choose between you and College!
RAYMOND:
Ive been talking to Rosss friends. Ross has loved Rachel ever since ....... well, ever since! Shes his fantasy woman. The one hes always pictured himself being with! You may be a beautiful woman Emily Waltham, but you cant compete with a fantasy!
EMILY:
(Getting angry) I know your only saying that cause your friends with Chandler! I know your only saying that cause you want to help your friends out instead of me!
RAYMOND:
When have I ever led you on?
EMILY:
What about the time when I was 18 you told me my mum had found my cigarette stubs in the shed? And you said for a bag of sweets youd tell her you saw cousin Peter smoking in the shed. I bought you the sweets only to find out youd put the stubs in there in the first place!
RAYMOND:
I WAS ELEVEN! I would have happily sold my mother for a bag of aniseed balls! Im not saying this to upset you, or make you angry! Im saying this because I love you and I know its true! And I know deep down you know it too!
EMILY:
I love him, Im marrying Ross! Whether you like it or not!
RAYMOND:
Okay, fine! Do what you want! Just let me say this ..... on your honeymoon night, when your together, in bed, alone ..... who do you think hell be thinking about? You? ..... or Rachel? Once youve thought about it, come by and see me, Ill be sleeping in Chandlers room tonight.
(Raymond turns and walks to the door, opens the door to walk out. Suddenly you hear a huge shouting match, between Mr. Waltham and Jack Geller)
RAYMOND:
Oh God! Theyre at it again, come on Emily, we gotta help sort this out!
(Emily and Raymond rush to the door)
SCENE XIV At the Reception
(Cut back to the wedding reception. This time Mr. Waltham and Jack Geller are really going at it by the buffet. We see the two shouting, just as Emily and Raymond come in. The rest of the crowd have taken a step back. Monica, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, have all stood back too. In the corner, we see Joey still chatting up Felicity)
JACK GELLER:
(Really shouting) OUR SPORTS ARE NOT GIRLY!!!!!
MR WALTHAM:
Oh really, you .... you .... take a game we let 12 year old girls play, such as rounders, built a huge cast iron stadium monstrosity around the pitch, let sweaty overweight men play it for millions of pounds. And then you call it baseball and have the nerve to say you invented it yourself!!
JACK GELLAR:
OH REALLY!!
MR WALTHAM:
Yes. We try and give you a decent and manly game, rugby for instance, and you spoil it by covering yourself in girly padding, and having teams of about 50 a side!
JACK GELLER:
I DONT NEED 50 A SIDE TO SORT YOU OUT MISTER.......
MR WALTHAM:
..... and the worst thing is you invent all these new games so you can say your the best, and then you have the NERVE to call them WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS!
JACK GELLER:
RIGHT!!!!!!! THATS IT, PREPARE FOR A PASTING!
(Jack Geller and Mr. Waltham tussle, pushing and grappling with each other. Jack turns round, and pushes Mr. Waltham over the buffet, food flying everywhere. You hear a disgusting crack from behind the table. Mr. Waltham cries out, but stands up, obviously hurt his leg)
MR WALTHAM
Right, now Im ... Ow! ... really annoyed!! ... Ow ... Defend yourself!!
(Emily runs to get her dad)
EMILY:
Daddy! Stop it, your hurt!
MR WALTHAM:
NO! Dont stop me Ive got him right where I want him! Ow!
EMILY:
Stop it daddy, your legs hurt. You cant walk on it.
MR WALTHAM:
Nonsense! Hardly hurts, just a scratch!
(Cuts away from the mess, to where Joey and Felicity are standing, canooldling. The shot is from above slightly, from behind Joeys head. Its Felicitys dads P.O.V. Theres a hand that taps Joey on the shoulder)
FELICITYS DAD:
Excuse me!
JOEY:
(Without Looking) Hey, get in line buddy!
FELICITYS DAD:
What do you think your doing, mate?
JOEY:
Hey buddy, I told you to ......... (Joey stops dead, as he sees Felicitys dad)
(Cut to a shot of Felicitys dad. Hes HUGE!!! Cut back to a shot of Joey, and Felicitys dads shadow casts over Joey. Joey instantly freezes!)
FELICITY:
Daddy!
FELICITYS DAD:
(To Felicity) I told you if I found you with a man, Id break him into little bitty pieces! If you let one man even touch you Id pound him flat! Your only 15! What would your mum say?!!
JOEY:
(Spinning round in a panic) FIFTEEN!
(Felicity shrugs her shoulders, Joey looks back to her dad)
JOEY:
I didnt .... didnt .... didnt touch her, I .. I .. I was just borrowing some scotch tape! (To Felicity) Do you have any scotch tape?
FELICITY:
(To her dad) Dont worry daddy, he was very gentle .......
(Felicitys dad explodes)
FELICITYS DAD:
WHAT!!!!!!! (Spinning Joey round) RIGHT, IM GONNA BREAK YOU IN HALF!!
(Everyone turns round watching what is happening, Joey steps back quickly, hands out to calm Felicitys dad down)
JOEY:
Whoahhh! Hang on man! Just let me take off my jacket first! Okay?
FELICITYS DAD:
Okay.
(Joey slowly turns round, walks over to a chair at the other side of the room. Joey takes off his jacket slowly, ruffles it flat. Sticks the Jacket under his chin, folds the arms over, and folds it perfectly flat on the chair. Stands up straight, takes a deep breath, and sprints out of the room like lightning!)
(Cut back to the rest of the crowd, who momentarily have forgotten about Mr. Walthams leg, until Mr. Waltham tries to put his leg down)
MR WALTHAM:
OWWWW!
EMILY:
Come on daddy! Lets get you to the hospital, get you checked out, shall we?
MR WALTHAM:
Okay darling. (Begins to hobble out, turns to Jack Geller). You wont be so lucky next time!!
SCENE XV At the Reception.
(Later on at the same reception, Monica, Chandler, Raymond and Rachel are sitting about. All worried at where Joey has disappeared to. Jack and Judy Geller walk past the group, and as they do we over hear)
JACK GELLER:
Well, Judy, he just pushed me too far ......
MONICA:
Dyou think Joey can find his way back to the hotel??
CHANDLER:
No.
MONICA:
Why not?
CHANDLER:
He hasnt got his map!
RAYMOND:
Right, Id better go look for him. Ill round up a few helpers....
CHANDLER:
Ill give you a hand......
(Rachel sees Ross, whos presently talking with some of the guests, before walking out to a hallway, Rachel gets up and follows)
SCENE XVI - Hallway
(Cut to a shot of a corridor/hallway. Ross has just been in somewhere, and turns round to come back into the reception, but his way is blocked by Rachel. You can sense the immediate sexual tension)
ROSS:
(With surprise) Rachel!
RACHEL:
Hello Ross. How are you?
ROSS:
Fine! Fine! ..... you?
RACHEL:
Okay .....
ROSS:
Look, Im sorry, I didnt mean to, I didnt want to .....
RACHEL:
Ross. Look, I came here to say something, and please let me finish what Im saying before you answer. I know I havent been the easiest person to live with, and I know weve had our arguments, but I also want to say weve had our good times, really good times. And ...... I dont want to lose those good times. I want to be able to have you by my side all my life Ross. Weve both done wrong before, but you still are the person I trust most in the entire world ....... What Im building up to say is ....... I cant live without you by my side, and I dont want to ....... so ....... please ....... marry me Ross!
(Shock Horror!)
ROSS:
Oh Rachel (Ross hugs Rachel). You dont know how long I spent waiting to hear that, how many times I dreamed of this moment. How many times I used to sit awake at night holding you, wondering what you would say if I asked ........ but I cant Rach, I cant! Im Sorry!
RACHEL:
(Beginning to cry) But why not?
ROSS:
Im marrying Emily now. Please be happy for me, your a true friend Rach, I dont wanna lose you!
(They hug again, and we get shots of both their faces, their both very unhappy)
Scene XVII Wedding Reception.
(Cut to a the wedding reception. Monica, Rachel, Raymond, Ross, Chandler are all huddled around Joeys Pop-up Map, trying to work out where Joey would run to)
CHANDLER:
Right, your Joey, your stuck in London, where would you run to?
RACHEL:
.... and more importantly what the hells going on with this map?
CHANDLER:
Its Joeys, finds it easier to navigate with Pop-up buildings.
RAYMOND:
Ok, I know where to look, wheres the nearest mental institution?
ROSS:
Whats this, a footprint?
CHANDLER:
Dont ask!
MONICA:
Where could he be? Londons huge! Did he have any money with him?
CHANDLER:
Dont know! Knowing Joey he probably has $10 stuffed in his left shoe.
RAYMOND:
Well, thats a great help in a completely different country!
(Emily walks in, flustered from the trip to the hospital)
ROSS:
Hiya Honey, hows your father?
EMILY:
Not Good. Hes broken his leg.
(General sympathy)
ROSS:
Is he still in hospital?
EMILY:
No, they discharged him straight away, hes just upstairs sulking! Always getting himself into arguments. The problem is theres no-one to give me away....
RAYMOND:
I can give you away, in fact, if I really haggle I might get a good price for ya!
EMILY:
Okay, thanx Ray! What you doing there?
CHANDLER:
Working out where Joey is.
ROSS:
Okay, there is a theory that states anthropologically,
(Everyone pretends to nod off and snore loudly......)
ROSS:
Okay, if ya dont wanna hear it!
CHANDLER:
Go on Ross, tell us!
ROSS:
Well, it states that a person is naturally attracted to where they feel most safe and secure. If you were Joey, where would you prefer to be in the whole world......
(A couple of seconds in thought, and then everyone says in unison)
ALL:
STRIP CLUB!
RAYMOND:
Well, thats easy then, if hes anywhere, hell be in Soho!!
MONICA:
Well, lets go then!
EMILY:
Hang on! Ive got to baby-sit my father. Hes like a little child when he hurts himself, and Andrea isnt going to lift a finger. Shes too involved looking for a paisley pattern wallpaper!
RAYMOND:
Dont worry Em. The rest of us can go look, shouldnt take long, how many Italian Americans can there be in Soho?
Scene XVIII - Soho, outside
(Cut to a shot of everyone Chandler, Monica, Ross, Rachel, and Raymond in a group getting out of a taxi. Raymond pays, and then everyone stands on the corner, deciding what to do)
RAYMOND:
Right, I suggest we split up. Ross and Chandler, you look for him up there, Me, Monica and Rachel will go down here. Okay. Well meet back here in ...... half an hour, okay?
ROSS:
Right, lets go Chandler.
CHANDLER:
Okay Ross, If we find a girl I like, can I keep her?
Scene XIX Soho Street
(Cut to a street in Soho, evening/night. Ross and Chandler are walking down the street. Both are very quiet. As they walk along, we get a shot of each of their faces, and their thoughts are heard via voiceover.)
CHANDLER:
(V.O.) Ross, Ive been having sex with your sister ....... no, no, no, no! Ross, could you see your sister with a man whos very lovable but uses humor as a defense mechanism? No! Ross, Ive been seeing someone in England, I know youll love her, because your related to her ......... hey! What are you, ready to die or something?!!
ROSS:
(V.O.) Chandler, what would you do if Rachel asked you to marry you? ........ Chandler, Ive got a problem, Rachel wants to get back together, what do I do? How can I say this without Chandler making a joke??
(Suddenly, they both pipe up, trying to get out what they want to say, but it both comes out garbled)
ROSS:
After you Chandler
CHANDLER:
No after you!
ROSS:
No you!
CHANDLER:
(Stressing the point) No I insist!
ROSS:
Okay .......... I dont know how to say this ........
(We overhear Chandlers thought)
CHANDLER:
(V.O.) Oh God, he knows! HE KNOWS!! Run Chandler, run like the wind, hes gonna kill you, hes gonna strangle you in the backstreets of London!!! RUN AWAY CHANDLER!
(Cut back to Ross)
ROSS:
Rachel has asked to marry me!
CHANDLER:
Oh No! (Chandlers thoughts V.O.) Thank God! (Back to normal) What happened Ross?
ROSS:
She came over to break me and Emily up. At first I was so angry. I bought her a ticket back to the US, and asked her to go home. But every time I see her, hear her cry, I cant help myself. I cant stop thinking about her, Chandler. I love her now more than ever!
CHANDLER:
Well, why dont you call off the wedding?
ROSS:
Call it off?! I cant do that! It would destroy Emily. I love her too, I cant bear to hurt her.
CHANDLER:
Well, what are you going to do?
ROSS:
I dont know Chandler, I dont know! What were you going to say?
CHANDLER:
(Takes a deep breath) Well, its about Monica ....
ROSS:
What about Monica? She hasnt been hurt by another man has she? I tell ya Chandler, the way men treat my sis at the moment. If one more man hurts her feelings, theyll have me to answer to! What were you gonna say man?
CHANDLER:
Nothing, she was just thinking of getting her tummybutton pierced, thats all!
(Chandler has a deep panicky look on his face as Ross turns away)
Scene XX Soho, Outside.
(Cut to Raymond, Rachel and Monica, walking down a different street, looking at all the strip clubs and various ladies of the night.)
RAYMOND:
God, I hope we find him soon, I dont like the look of round here.
MONICA:
Why?
RAYMOND:
Lets just say Ive become very attached to my wallet! Rachel, will you hurry up?
(We see Rachel talking to one of the girls)
RACHEL:
Im sorry, but I just loved the shade of her eye shadow!
Scene XXI
(Cut to a scene of inside a strip club. We can see just inside the doorway, where the bouncer is. Ross and Chandler are at the door.)
ROSS:
Excuse me? Have you seen an American come into here recently, black hair, about so high .......
JOEY:
(From inside) HEY!! How YOU doin??
ROSS:
Never mind! (Pays money to get in, and Chandler and Ross enter)
(As they enter, you see more of the club, a normal strip club, Joey is sitting there at the front with a handful of coins)
CHANDLER:
Joey! There you are! Weve been looking all over for you! What happened?
JOEY:
Well, the big man came in, he was gonna hit me. I ran and ran and ran and when I stopped running I remembered Id forgotten my map. I was lost, and I couldnt find my way back, so I came in here for .... directions
CHANDLER:
Why here?
JOEY:
There are naked ladies here!!
ROSS:
As good a reason as any!
CHANDLER:
Whats with all the change Joe?
JOEY:
I cant get rid of it. It keeps falling out of their panties!!
(Ross picks out a mobile from his pocket, and dials)
CHANDLER:
Where did you get that??
ROSS:
Borrowed it from Emilys step-mum.
CHANDLER:
Does she know?
ROSS:
Well .... no!
CHANDLER:
Good start with your mother-in law!
ROSS:
(Into the Phone) Hello? Ray?
(Cut to Raymond, on his Mobile, and the speech cuts back and forth between the two)
RAYMOND:
Ross?? You found him yet?
ROSS:
Yeah, were in a club called The Tower of Fundon
RAYMOND:
Mmmmm sounds classy! Well find it as soon as we can. We might be a while though.....
ROSS:
Why?
RAYMOND:
Rachel and Monica are exchanging make-up tips with a woman who openly advertises herself as £25 a go, buy one get the second free!". I hope they dont get onto fashion, this is gonna cost me a fortune!
(Ross hangs up, in disbelief. He stares at the bar, while the legs of an obvious stripper strut up and down the bar. Joey and Chandler stare up with huge child like faces, obviously loving it! Ross still stares at the bar, even when the ladys bra lands on his head, and he doesnt even seem to notice... thats when Joey notices)
JOEY:
Hey man, what's the problem?
ROSS:
Joey, Rachel asked me to marry her!
JOEY:
WHOAH! Talk about your bad timing, just as your about to marry Emily too!
(Ross and Chandler stare at Joey in disbelief)
ROSS:
No Joey, Rachel wants me to marry her INSTEAD of Emily.
JOEY:
(Understanding) Ahhhh, so who are ya gonna marry?
ROSS:
(Protesting too much) Well, Emily of course!
CHANDLER:
Are you sure?
ROSS:
No!
CHANDLER:
Well, you gotta make a choice Ross! You cant marry Emily if you love Rachel!
ROSS:
Why not? I love Emily too. I cant just call off a wedding! All the people we flew over! All the money we spent. I cant just say "Sorry, its all been a big mistake!"
JOEY:
Well, compare them! Do the test! Whenever Im stuck for choice between two women I always do the test!
ROSS:
What?
JOEY:
The Test! Sleep with them both! Give them marks out of ten for skill, speed, dexterity, stamina, and aggressiveness, the one with the most points wins!
ROSS:
Joey, are you suggesting that I make a decision that will affect the rest of my life on which one of them is better in bed?
JOEY:
Yes, any problem with that?
ROSS:
(Thinks for a few seconds) No, none that I can think of! What do I do in case of a tie?
JOEY:
Oh Man, just pray for a tie!
CHANDLER:
Sudden death overtime?
(Joey nods with a huge grin on his face)
CHANDLER:
Cool!
(Suddenly Raymond, Rachel and Monica come bustling in. Raymond storms in, Rachel and Monica bustling behind)
RACHEL:
We didnt mean to take up THAT much time!
RAYMOND:
That much time? While you were sitting there chatting, I got an offer of £100 for Monica!
MONICA:
Oooh, what doing?
RAYMOND:
You really dont wanna know!
(Ross sees Rachel and the air instantly Freezes)
RACHEL:
Hi
ROSS:
Uhh, Hi!
JOEY:
(Under his breath) The test, the test!
CHANDLER:
Hey! I have an idea! Ross is having his second wedding tomorrow, he at least deserves his second Stag Night! Whos with me??
ROSS:
Yeah!
RAYMOND:
Sounds Good!
JOEY:
Hey! Whoah! What about Rachel and Monica. They cant come on a Stag Night.
MONICA:
Why Not!
JOEY:
Their Girls!! You cant have girls on a stag night unless their Strippers! Unless Rachel and Monica wanna..... (Monica and Rachel Shoots Joey a look) .... nope, they dont wanna!
CHANDLER:
Hey! I got it. (Chandler reaches around in his pockets, and picks out a pen) Any of you have a pen? (Ross, Raymond and Joey reach around in their pockets, Raymond pulls out a pen. Chandler presents a pen each to Monica and Rachel ceremoniously) Right, tonight Rachel and Monica, I hearby present you for tonight your honorary penises. Remember to scratch them openly at every opportunity! Hip Hip
ROSS RAYMOND & JOEY:
HOORAY!
RAYMOND:
Right, now thats sorted, (Motions to the barstaff) Six pints please!
RACHEL:
Can I have a glass of wine instead? I dont think ....
RAYMOND:
Im sorry Rachel, but you have to drink pints, your on a stag night!! If you drink girly wine we might be forced to strip you naked and tie you to a lamppost!
RACHEL:
Oh!
(Six Pints of thin fizzy beer appear on the Bar. Monica picks hers up straight away and downs it in one really fast! The rest stare at her in disbelief! Monica is out of breath and wipes her mouth with her sleeve)
MONICA:
Right, lets go!
CHANDLER:
You heard the honorary man!
(They all start drinking their pints)
Scene XXII
(Fade in from that scene, to a scene later on. All six are very drunk indeed, all of them are absolutely blasted! Chandler is carrying Monica, Ross is carrying Rachel, and Raymond and Joey are pretty much carrying each other! They are all singing something particularly drunkenly.)
ROSS:
Heres my room guys! (Ross presses his face against his door, trying to read the number) yep! Thats it! Look, thanks guys, this has been a REALLY great bachelor party! REALLY GREAT! Especially the bit with the naked .........
JOEY:
(Really pissed) Oh Yeah! (Face suddenly grimaces, hes feeling pretty ill) Oh No!
MONICA:
Chandler, can you give me a hand to my room, I dont know where I am, and I need help with ....... well I dunno but I need help with it!
CHANDLER:
Okay Mon, lets go help you with your thing.....
MONICA:
Only if I can help with yours first!
(Monica and Chandler stumble off)
RAYMOND:
Wed better go too, before I see what Joey drank in reverse order!
(Joey grimaces with the thought)
JOEY:
Hey Ray, where ya gonna sleep tonight?
RAYMOND:
Dont Worry Joey, something tells me theres gonna be a spare bed in your room tonight!
(Raymond and Joey stumble off too leaving Rachel and Ross alone)
RACHEL:
Ross, I know your getting married to Emily tomorrow, I know nothings going to stop you from starting your new life with Emily, and I know I am very drunk indeed ..... but Ross, were here, were in the moment, I want to spend one last night with you.
ROSS:
But Rachel, what about Emily ......
RACHEL:
Please Ross, I dont want to let you go before Ive been with you one last time, just one last night together, before we stay apart forever. Just one more .......
(Rachel looks into Rosss eyes. Ross looks in Rachels eyes. And slowly they move in together for a slow, really passionate slow kiss. They keep kissing and kissing, getting closer and more passionate. Suddenly Ross opens the room door, and they both move into Rosss room and close the door behind them.)
Scene XXIII
( Cuts to Rosss room, Ross is in bed alone, its the morning after. Chandler comes in, with a really vicious hangover. He shouts half heatedly, walks in and out again)
CHANDLER:
Woohoo, your getting married, yay yay........
(Once Chandler has walked out again, suddenly, Rachels head pops up from under the sheet)
RACHEL:
Do you think he saw us?
ROSS:
No, I dont think he did, and anyway, who cares (Rubbing his headache)
RACHEL:
Look Ross, thanks for this last night. At least I have some night to remember before were split apart forever ... (Rachel gets out of bed, and gets dressed, and before leaving she goes up to Ross, kisses him on the cheek) Thank you Ross. Im not going to be at the wedding Ross, I cant see you marry .... (Rachel then runs out, beginning to cry.)
ROSS:
RACHEL!
(Rachel turns round, tears in her eyes)
ROSS:
I love you!
(Rachel runs out crying)
(Once Rachel leaves, we get a close-up of Rosss face, extremely sad, and sad music plays when it fades into ...)
Scene XXIV
(Fade into the wedding ceremony, the same as before. Rosss face is still extremely sad, we get a look over the congregation, we see Mr. Waltham with a big plaster cast on his leg, not talking to the Gellers and we see people walk up the aisle, Firstly Monica and Chandler, and then Joey and Mrs. Waltham. Finally, the Music begins to play, and Raymond leads the bride up the aisle, veil over her head. Exactly the same as the first time)
CHANDLER:
(To Ross) Could you look any more miserable?
ROSS:
Im not sad!
CHANDLER:
Oh come on Ross! Your face is dragging on the floor!
(Raymond leads the bride to the altar, thick veil over her face. The music stops. We get a shot from behind the bride, so we can see Rosss Face. He lifts the veil, suddenly we see the shock on his face. Theres a few gasps from the congregation......)
ROSS:
RACHEL!!
(We get a shot from behind Rosss head, and sure enough, its Rachel in the dress! A few shots of the other cast, Monica, Raymond, Chandler, and Joey all smiling. They knew all along!)
ROSS:
RACHEL?? HOW, HOW, WHY??
(Cut to a shot down the aisle, we see Ross on one side, Rachel on the other, and in between them down the other end of the aisle, is Emily. Ross runs down to Emily, wanting an explanation, lost for words)
ROSS:
Wha .......Wha ....... Why?
EMILY:
Ross, You know how much I love you, and I know how much you love me. I would give anything to marry you. But I see the way you look at Rachel, and I see the way Rachel looks at you. I could never make you as happy as Rachel could, and I love you enough to let you go and be with the one person you really want in the world. (Beginning to get upset) Im going to miss you Ross, miss you so much. (They hug for a few seconds, we see shots of the characters faces, ending with Rachels before cutting back) Now. Go marry Rachel Ross, go and be happy!
(We see a shot of Raymond giving a thumbs up to Emily)
Scene XXV Montage
(We see a montage of shots from the wedding as they go through the ceremony. Starting with Mr. Waltham beginning to complain, before Raymond kicks him in his plastercast, and he falls back into his chair speechless in pain. Then shots of exchanging vows, and exchanging rings, and then finally, the kiss)
Scene XXVI
(Cut to packing up for the trip home, Ross and Rachel arm in arm, Monica having a fit trying to get everything done.)
MONICA:
Wheres my other case? WHERES MY OTHER CASE? Where did I put it? What ifs the planes early? What if we cant get a cab? What if theres a cue at Check-in? COME ON!!
RACHEL:
Monica ..... Breathe!!
(Chandler and Joey come in, carrying their cases, all packed and ready to go)
CHANDLER:
There, all done, ready to go now!
MONICA:
HOW CAN YOU BE READY?? Youve only been packing for 10 hours!!!
JOEY:
Can somebody sedate her???
ROSS:
Got everything Joey?
JOEY:
Yep! Towels, soap, shampoo, Bathrobe, shower cap ........
ROSS:
..... Tickets, Money, passport?
(Joey thinks for about 3 seconds, and then sprints out)
JOEY:
DAMN!!
CHANDLER:
He may be slow, but tell him a joke and you can time an egg to perfection!
(Raymond walks in)
RAYMOND:
You lot off then??
RACHEL:
Yep, its been quite a couple of days, hasnt it!
ROSS:
You can say that again! Ive come away with a different wife than planned! Hey, Mrs. Geller, Im just going to go call a cab!
RACHEL:
Okay, Mr. Geller!
(They kiss, and Ross leaves)
RACHEL:
Thank you Raymond.
RAYMOND:
Hey, what did I do?
RACHEL:
Set up a whole wedding, changed my life. Given me what I most wanted in the entire world. Is there any way I can thank you?
RAYMOND:
Yes, whatever you do, dont call your first child Raymond!
RACHEL:
(Laughs) Okay we wont. (Rachel gives Raymond a hug) Ill never forget what you did Raymond, thank you.
RAYMOND:
Sok, here.
RACHEL:
What are these?
(Raymond hands Rachel two envelopes)
RAYMOND:
One of them is the plane ticket, something to show your grandkids! And the second is a note from me. Its my phone number and E-mail and all that. If you ever need advice or just a friend, Im just on the other side of the information superhighway!
RACHEL:
Thank you (Hugs Raymond again).
CHANDLER:
Hey man, thanks! For everything!
RAYMOND:
Thats okay too, Ill hear from you bright and early Monday morning! Tell me how everything goes.
(Chandler hugs Raymond too)
RAYMOND:
Hey! Steady on mate! Im English remember! Look, Ive gotta go, Ive gotta get a lift back with a mate.
(A GEORGEOUS GIRL turns up at the door, calls Raymond)
GORGEOUS GIRL:
Raymond, Coming??
(Raymond turns to Chandler and says)
RAYMOND:
Boy, karma works fast these days!
(Raymond runs out of the room, huge smile on his face)
MONICA:
IVE FINISHED! COME ON LETS GO GO GO!!
CHANDLER:
Calm down Monica. Weve got plenty of time! (Chandler walks up to Monica and Hugs her tight)
(Ross walks in with Joey and they quickly unclench when he gets in.)
ROSS:
Come on, Ive got the cabs, lets get going!!
(Ross turns to walk out, but Monica calls out and stops him)
MONICA:
Ross, erm, Ive got something to tell you. Ive met someone.
ROSS:
Oh Great!! Who?
MONICA:
Well, hes really smart, and funny, and sweet, and I know youll really get on with him .... (as she says this, she puts her arm around Chandlers middle)
ROSS:
You ..... you two?....... together ........ THATS GREAT !!!
(Everyone congratulates Chandler and Monica for getting together, except Joey. Theres a few moments, before Joey finally gets it!)
End of Episode
Ending Teaser
[Joey is talking to Phoebe on the phone (!!), he has a cracker with something on it,
which he takes a small bite out of, chews it with raised eyebrows, then reaches for
another]
PHOEBE - "So, everything worked out?"
JOEY - "Yeah
PHOEBE - "Oh! Oh that is so great, Oh but not for Emily" (Joey nods, cut to
Phoebe) "but - oh I cannot believe all this has happened, and, and I'M not
there!"
[cut to Joey]
JOEY - "Aww, don't worry Phoebes, we'll tell you all about it when we get back,
annndd...." (sing-song voice) "I got you a present too!!"
[cut to Phoebe, surprised]
PHOEBE:
"A PRESENT!?! Oh, thankyou Joey! That's so great of you! Oh! So, so what is
it?"
[cut to Joey, who picks up and admires another one of those big London-top-hats like the
one he bought on the first day]
JOEY:
(grinning) "Op, no, that's a surprise"
[cut to Phoebe, who is smiling in anticipation of her "present"]
PHOEBE:
"Oh...Hey! You know what else is weird? I've been talking to you ALL day, and we
haven't got cut off! It's like the phone fairy doesn't want me to miss anything!!
(laughs)....Isn't that weird?......Joey.....Joey?
[cut to Joey]
JOEY:
(triumphant, laughing) "GOTCHA! Ha ha!"
[cut to Phoebe, who is sarcastically mouthing a laugh]
JOEY - (on phone) "I'll bet you though I was really gone, didn't you? I bet you -
" (he is cut off as the phone really DOES cut out)
PHOEBE - (pause thinking it is another joke) "Ha Ha, very funny.....Joey, I know
you're still there......I can hear you breathing.....Joey? Yeah, well I can wait just as
long as you.....who's stupid now?....Joey?"
THE END!
I can not and wont take credit for the closing teaser. Id like to thank Sky, for the ending from TOW All Been Waiting For, which I laughed so much at I wanted to use it! And other Fanfic writers for giving me little ideas to add to this mammoth beast, look out for the next episode in my series.
TOW Phoebes Litter!
Chris Freestone
E-Mail = freestone@cheerful.com