The One Where Ross Gets His Butt Kicked

Written by: Sky

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment

[Opening scene: coffeehouse. The group are just sat. Ross is on his mobile phone.]

Ross: I can't believe this! (Pause) What? (Pause) Tell her to go back. I'm not interested! (Pause) Bye, then. (Turns off his phone)

Monica: What now?

Ross: Emily's trying to see me.

Chandler: She's not gonna try marrying you again, is she?

Rachel: We all know what happened last time you attempted that.

(The gang laughs)

Ross: It's not funny at all! It almost feels like she's stalking me.

Joey: Oh my. (Joey saucily thumbs up)

Opening Titles

[Scene 1: Monica and Chandler's. Joey and phoebe are at the table, Phoebe's with her guitar. Monica is chopping tomatoes at the counter. Rachel is sat reading a book on the couch.]

Monica: Man, I feel sorry for Ross.

Phoebe: Pity me, I lost my mom. That's worse than a stalking Brit.

Joey: Yeah, but you didn't marry three times did you?

Rachel: Just think, he's probably gonna need a restraining order.

Joey: From marrying or from Emily??

(Knock on the door. Monica wipes her hands and answers. It's Emily and a middle-aged fella)

Emily: Hi, is Ross there?

Joey: Oh my!

Monica: No, but come in and sit.

Phoebe: Emily! (Emily turns and faces Phoebe) I've written a welcome song.

Emily: Let me hear.

(Phoebe starts playing)

Phoebe: (Singing) One day you were just a friend/who needed a friend to go to the opera/You found a bloke, you went to Vermont for a joke/and in that room you lost your bra! (She stops, Emily shocked)

Emily: Okay, then. (Looks around, everyone stares as if she has something to say) You go! What has been going on since we last saw you?

Rachel: We? What do you mean by we?

Emily: Oh yeah, this is my husband. (She hugs the middle-aged man) He's called Steve. Steve McFadden. He's from Eastenders. It's like this huge soap opera back home and it has half the country watching every edition!

Steve: I play Phil Mitchell.

Emily: Lisa shot him!

Phoebe: How did you manage to stay alive?

Monica: Pheebs, they use fake guns in television shows.

Phoebe: Oh.

Steve: I also got to snatch Lisa's baby on Christmas Day's edition.

Monica: You crazy Brits watch TV on Christmas Day!?

Emily: Of course, it's a grand tradition.

(Chandler and Ross enter, clutching tennis rackets)

Chandler: I tell you, I can beat Andre Agassi at his own game.

Ross: Yeah, like that's gonna (Notices Emily) Emily! Nice to see you again. (Looks surprised when he notices Steve) Why, what, who?

Steve: Husband number two. (He shakes Ross' hand. Ross, surprised by this, squirms)

Emily: I'm married again Ross, and I want you to know that I'm here to tell you something.

Ross: What???

Emily: You got me pregnant and I have a little girl called Monica.

Monica: What??? You have a kid called Monica? Cooool!

Steve: And I'm here, to kick the father's arse!

Ross: When you say arse, do you mean (Turns around and points to his bum) here?

Steve: Exactly.

(Cut to outside M&C's. You hear a punch being thrown and Ross squealing like a pig)

Commercial Break

[Scene: central perk. Ross has a black eye.]

Ross: I cannot believe I have a little girl. I can't even remember the sex in the relationship I had with Emily.

Rachel: Well, you got me pregnant, and I have a little child...You do the math Ross, you seem to always forget something.

Ross: Like what?

Phoebe: To spiritually cleanse your soul beforehand?

Joey: Or, you forget that your little soldier is indeed a peasant.

Monica: Shut up! I know what my bro's little buddy is like.

Chandler: Oh really?

Joey: Oh my!

(Steve McFadden walks in)

Ross: Hide me, quick, quick!!

(Rachel pushes him down as Steve walks to the counter)

Ross: (Muffled) Has he gone yet???

Monica: Not a minute sooner.

(Steve gets his coffee and comes over to the gang)

Steve: Hi.

Phoebe: How do you feel after kicking Ross's ass?

Steve: Emily got up and left me. She said in her eyes, violence doesn't solve all problems. (Crying) And she's gone, gone forever!

(Ross gets up)

Ross: I have to go and see her!

Steve: What??

Ross: I still love Emily.

Joey: Here comes another ass-whupping...

Steve: Go get her, I'll never do it...

Ross: Thanks.

(He runs out the coffeehouse)

[Scene: the airport. Emily is in the departure lounge when Ross arrives.]

Emily: Ross, what, why, how?

Ross: I still love you and I wanna come to live with you and Monica.

Emily: Ross, you shouldn't...

Ross: I should! You dumped the tough cookie, and let's face it, everyone loves me...Right?

Emily: Round about... (They kiss)

Tannoy: Flight 456 to London, this is the final call.

Ross: Let's go...

(They walk arm in arm and board the plane)

[Closing scene: M&C's. Monica gets a phone call.]

Monica: Hello?

Ross: Monica, this is Monica.

Little Monica: Hi Monica.