Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey and Phoebe are present)
Monica: So Courteney came back?
Rachel: Yeah, and Joey left with her last night. I hope he doesnt do something stupid.
Ross: Maybe hell handcuff her and throw her in the East River.
Rachel: Thats not nice Ross.
Ross: Nice? After what she did to him? She took all his stuff! He should throw her off the Brooklyn Bridge!
Chandler: Knowing Joey, he doesnt know where the Brooklyn Bridge is.
Monica: Maybe hell act like hes forgiven her and then handcuff her to her bed and leave her there.
Rachel: Monica! Youre as bad as them!
Monica: Oh really, what would you do Rach?
Rachel: Id drive her upstate to a Bed and Breakfast Inn.
Ross: Youd reward her?
Rachel: You didnt let me finish. Id strip her naked, handcuff her to the bed, take her clothes and money and take off.
Ross: Thats the woman I fell in love with.
Rachel (to Ross): Yeah, I was gonna do it to you after the we were on a break incident but I never got around to it.
(Camera cuts to Ross who is mortified)
OPENING CREDITS
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey guys!
Chandler: Whereve you been Pheebs?
Phoebe: I was with Peter.
Ross: Whos Peter?
Monica: According to Chandler its the thing in his pants.
Rachel: You named your thing?
Chandler (embarrassed): No. Whos Peter, Phoebe?
Phoebe: The guy I slept with an hour after Joey and I broke it off, and apparently the thing in your pants.
Monica: You only waited an hour after breaking up with Joey to sleep with someone else?
Phoebe: Yeah, but dont judge me, Joey only waited a half hour to sleep with Laura.
Ross: Whos Laura?
Phoebe: Duh, its the girl that Joey slept with.
Rachel: Well you both beat Ross record of three hours.
Ross: Dont go there Rachel.
Rachel: Come on Ross, its from our past.
Ross: Still.
Monica: Well Chandler and I must be going we have an appointment. Lets go Chandler.
Ross: Who are they seeing?
Chandler: I dont know but Im obviously going.
(Chandler and Monica leave)
Rachel: Theyre going to see our counselor, Dr. Brady Guertin.
Ross: Theyre going to see the quack we went to right before we got married? He doesnt solve problems, he creates them.
Phoebe: What does that mean?
Rachel: Ross feels that Dr. Guertin sided with me on the we were on a break thing and he hates him for it.
Phoebe: Well of course he did, we all know Ross was wrong.
Ross: Thats not what you said after it happened Phoebe.
Phoebe: I did not! Hes lying Rachel.
Rachel: I really dont care at this point Phoebe.
Ross: Thats not what you said to that quack.
Phoebe: Anyway .has anyone seen Joey and Courteney?
Rachel: No. Are they back together?
Phoebe: I dont know. I was just asking if youd seen them since last night.
Rachel: What happened last night between them Phoebe?
Phoebe: I dont know. I just heard that she was back in town.
Rachel: How did you know? You werent around when Courteney showed up.
Phoebe: Gunther told me about it.
Rachel: Gunther wasnt working last night.
Ross: What did you do Phoebe?
Phoebe: I didnt do anything.
Ross: Did you contact Courteney?
Phoebe: Me?
Rachel: Oh my God, you contacted Courteney right before you broke up with Joey!
Phoebe: I did not!
Rachel: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Ok, OK, OK, I have a confession to make. I called Courteney two weeks ago and told her that Joey was still in love with her.
JOEYS APARTMENT (Joey is in bed with Courteney)
Courteney: So are you glad I came back?
Joey: At first I was pissed, but after the third time of doing it with you, I became convinced that I was glad that you came back.
Courteney: You mean to tell me that you were mad at me while we were having sex?
Joey: Pretty much.
Courteney: Youre a pig!
Joey: Well youre a thief. You took all of my stuff!
Courteney (jumping out of bed): Im leaving!
Joey: Dont let the door hit you on the way out!
Courteney: Havent you missed this?
Joey: Missed what?
Courteney: Us fighting.
Joey (getting out bed and hugging Courteney): Ive really missed you. Lets go away tonight to an upstate Bed & Breakfast.
Courteney: Really?
Joey: Really. Itll be fun. Trust me.
DR. BRADY GUERTINS OFFICE (Chandler and Monica are present)
Dr. Guertin: So what brings you two into my life?
Chandler: Pardon me?
Dr. Guertin: What brings you and Monica here Chandler?
Monica: Rachel, my best friend, recommended you. You help her and my brother Ross right before they got married.
Dr. Guertin: Ah yes, Ross and Rachel Geller, the we were on a break couple.
Chandler: Geez, everyone knows that story.
Dr. Guertin: So why are you guys here?
Monica: Weve been having marital problems.
Chandler: We have? Why didnt you tell me?
Dr. Guertin: OK, I see part of the problem. What else?
Chandler: Theres more?
Monica: We havent had sex in four weeks.
Chandler: Do we really have to talk about that, it makes me feel so inadequate.
Dr. Guertin: Go on Monica.
Monica: I had a miscarriage two months ago and recently Ive been feeling like I never wanna have sex with Chandler again.
Dr. Guertin: And thats why you guys havent had sex in four weeks?
Monica: Yes.
Chandler: And here I thought it was because I spilled coffee all over the rug.
Monica: Yeah, its partly that too.
Dr. Guertin: So youre obsessive/compulsive about cleanliness.
Chandler: You got that right. Are we done yet?
Monica: Chandler, knock it off. Excuse my husband, he gets really obnoxious when hes uncomfortable.
Dr. Guertin: Do you love Chandler Monica?
Monica: Yes.
Dr. Guertin: Do you love Monica Chandler?
Chandler: She completes me.
Dr. Guertin: Thats not what I asked. Do you love her?
Chandler: Yes.
Dr. Guertin: Do you want to have sex with Chandler again Monica?
Monica: Yes.
Dr. Guertin: Do you want to have sex with Monica again Chandler?
Chandler: If we dont have sex again soon my right hand is gonna have blisters the size of Texas. (cut to Monica who is laughing)
Dr. Guertin: Ill take that as a yes. And its good that you laughed at that comment Monica, it shows that you really do care about Chandlers needs. OK, the first thing we need to talk about is the miscarriage that you both suffered.
Monica: Ah, Chandler didnt have the miscarriage, I did.
Dr. Guertin: Yes, physically it happened to you, but emotionally, it affected Chandler as well.
Monica: I never looked at it that way.
Chandler (tears filling his eyes): All you had to do was ask.
Dr. Guertin: I guess your husband isnt always the class clown.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are present)
Rachel (to Phoebe): Why in the heck did you do that?
Phoebe: Do what?
Rachel: What da ya mean do what? Whyd you call Courteney and tell her that Joey was still in love with her?
Phoebe: Because.
Ross: Thats it? Just because?
Phoebe: Its complicated.
Rachel: Did Joey tell you this or did you make it up?
Phoebe: He told me.
Ross: Really? When?
Phoebe: Well we were at his place and we were taking a nap on the couch. I woke up and Joey was talking in his sleep. He kept saying Courteneys name over and over again.
Ross: And from that you got that Joey was still in love with her? He couldve been dreaming that he was pummeling her to her death.
Phoebe: Dont you think I knew that?
Rachel: Well did you?
Phoebe: Not exactly.
Rachel: Phoebe, youre an idiot.
Phoebe: Am I? Then why havent Joey or Courteney showed up at all today?
Ross: Joey probably killed her, got arrested, and is rotting in jail.
Phoebe: Dont you wish. Joey spent the night with Courteney.
Rachel: How do you know that?
Phoebe: I called over to Joeys this morning. Courteney answered the phone.
Rachel: Joeys gone and done something stupid again.
DR. BRADY GUERTINS OFFICE (Chandler and Monica are present)
Dr. Guertin: So you see Monica, your miscarriage affected Chandler in a great way.
Monica (to Chandler): Why didnt you say anything to me?
Chandler: I knew you were dealing with your own stuff, I didnt wanna bother you with my feelings.
Monica: I never knew you had feelings.
Chandler: Im a complicated man.
Dr. Guertin: And Monica, you should have shared with Chandler that you felt detached from him. Take his right hand, look at the calluses, the poor man was going to lose the use of his right hand if you continued to stifle your feelings about your miscarriage.
Monica (to Chandler): Youve been playing with yourself again?
Chandler: Ive been treating it like it was a kiddie playground.
Monica: Oh honey, Im so sorry. When we get back to the apartment were making love for the rest of the day.
Chandler: I know my hand appreciates that.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are present)
Rachel: Are you ready yet?
Ross: Im not going.
Rachel: For the last time Ross, youre going. Its a simple dinner.
Ross: The last time we had dinner with your Mom she felt me up.
Rachel: My sisters will be there too. Its not gonna happen again.
Ross: Yeah youre probably right. Jill or Laura will probably be the ones to feel me up this time.
Rachel: Ill call my Mom and tell her we cant make it.
(knock on the door)
Ross: Come in.
(Joey enters)
Ross: Well look what the cat dragged in.
Joey: Hey. Do you guys still have those handcuffs I lent you?
Ross: Yeah, theyre in the bathroom.
Joey: Why are they in the bathroom?
Ross: Do you want me to answer that?
Joey: No. I need them. Could you get them please?
Ross: Sure, hold on.
(Ross leaves, Rachel enters from the kitchen)
Rachel: Hey Joe.
Joey: How you doin?
Rachel: So youre up to your neck in stupidity again eh?
Joey: What?
Rachel: Have you lost your mind? What are you doing taking Courteney back?
Joey: Look Rachel, I didnt judge you when decided to give Ross another chance, so back off.
Rachel: Are you saying youre still in love with her?
Joey: Maybe.
Rachel: I just dont want to see you get hurt again Joey.
Joey: Ill be fine Rach.
(Ross returns)
Ross (throwing the handcuffs to Joey): Here you go. Thanks for letting us borrow them.
Rachel: Aw, youre taking the handcuffs back?
Joey: Rach, youre four months pregnant, what possible use could you have for the handcuffs?
Rachel: Youd be surprised if I told you.
Ross: Why do need them Joe?
Joey: Courteney and I are going to a Bed and Breakfast Inn upstate tonight. You know, to celebrate us getting back together. I thought we might have a little fun. OK, I gotta go get Courteney. See ya later.
(Joey leaves)
Ross: Did you cancel dinner with your Mom?
Rachel: Yeah. But Dad beeped in while I was on the phone with Mom and now were having dinner with him.
Ross: You better be kidding.
Rachel: Better get your coat, hell be here in five minutes.
Ross: Rachel!
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are in bed)
Chandler: And shes back!
Monica: I got back four times baby!
Chandler: Now thats what I call making love.
Monica: Dont get all mushy on me.
Chandler: Ive really missed this.
Monica: Me too. Wanna do it again?
Chandler: I cant.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Youve tired him out. He wont stand up anymore.
Monica (standing up on the bed naked): Will he stand up now?
Chandler (checking under the covers): And hes back at attention.
BED & BREAKFAST INN UPSTATE NEW YORK (Courteney and Joey are in their room)
Courteney: So what DA ya wanna do?
Joey (holding up the handcuffs): I wanna have some fun.
Courteney: Ew, youre such a bad boy. What do you want me to do?
Joey: How about we both get completely naked and then Ill handcuff you to the bed and do those things you like.
Courteney: OK!
(Courteney and Joey take off their clothes. Joey joins Courteney on the bed and then handcuffs her to it.)
Courteney: Oh, Ive missed you.
Joey: Im gonna turn off the lights.
Courteney: Great idea. (a few minutes of silence) Joey? Joey what are you doing?
Joey: Im getting my surprise ready for you. Close your eyes and think of the best thing that I can give you.
Courteney: Is it a ring?
Joey: Maybe. No talking now.
Courteney: Hurry up Im getting cold. My nipples could cut glass.
Joey (turning on the lights, fully dressed): See ya Courteney.
Courteney: What? What are you doing?
Joey: Im screwing you over the way you screwed me over. Have a nice life.
Courteney: Joey! Joey! You cant leave me like this! Im completely naked!
Joey: Now you know how I felt when I found out that you took all of my stuff! See ya Courteney!
(Joey leaves)
Courteney: Joey! Joey! Joey, you bastard! Im gonna get you for this!
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey is present)
Phoebe: So he took her to a Bed & Breakfast upstate?
Rachel: Yeah. I hope he knows what hes doing.
Ross: Joeyll be fine.
Chandler: Do you guys wanna know what Monica and I did today?
Phoebe: No, not really.
Monica: We had sex.
Phoebe: Congratulations, so did I. (to Ross and Rachel) How about you guys?
Rachel: Not yet. Although I think Ross had sex with himself.
Ross: You heard that?
Monica: No guys, it was the first time Chandler and I had sex in four weeks.
Chandler: Yeah, we did it five times. It was just like when we started going out and were hiding our relationship from you guys.
Ross: And once again I wish that you wouldnt talk about my sisters sex life.
(Joey enters)
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Did it work?
Joey: Like a charm.
Rachel: What are you doing here and did what work?
Joey: Mine and Phoebes plan.
Ross: Which was?
Joey: To get back at Courteney for stealing all my stuff.
Chandler: You didnt kill her did you?
Joey: Even better.
Monica: You threw her off the Brooklyn Bridge?
Joey: The Brooklyn Bridge? Wheres that?
Chandler: I told you he didnt know where it was.
Ross: What did you do to her?
Joey: We stripped naked. I handcuffed her to the bed, turned off the lights, got dressed and then told her I was leaving. I left her handcuffed to the bed completely naked. Needless to say, she was very unhappy.
Phoebe: Did you remember to bring her clothes?
Joey: Damn it! I knew I forgot something.
Rachel: Hey, Joey did what I wouldve done to her!
Phoebe: Yeah, thats where we got the idea from.
Rachel: I told you about that idea.
Phoebe: Rachel, you told everyone that idea after Ross cheated on you. Its a surprise that you never did do it to Ross.
Rachel: Our life together isn't over yet.
CLOSING CREDITS
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Monica (to Joey): Wait a minute. You said this was yours and Phoebes plan. When did you guys think this up?
Phoebe: Over pizza at Tonys a couple of weeks ago.
Chandler: So you guys breaking up was just a charade?
Joey: No, that was real.
Ross: Well if you knew that you were gonna get revenge on Courteney, then why did you act so surprised when she showed up?
Phoebe: Because I told Joey that I couldnt get a hold of her. I had to make sure that he was surprised in order for the plan to work.
Rachel: Did the plan include Joey having sex with her?
Joey: What plan involving me wouldnt have me having sex with someone?
Rachel: Right, youre Joey.
THE END