The One With All The Relapses

by: Gemma Beglan

Joey: (Rach and Mon’s balcony with Chandler) (wishfully) You know, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to fly like a beautiful swooping eagle right up into the pale blue oceans of heaven and beyond. What do you think?

Chandler: (looking at Joey strangely) I think Monica’s been feeding you too many adjectives.(Laughs)

Joey: (hurt) You may laugh but I think I’m an incredibly gifted...

Chandler: (interrupting) bum?

Joey: (glares at Chandler) I am sick of your constant negatively charged jibes at myself. (Chandler surprised) I was going to say that I’m an incredibly gifted poet.

Chandler: Excuse me for one moment. (turns away and laughs hysterically) Did you just say the word ‘poet’?

Joey: Your jealousy is obvious.

Chandler: (in disbelief) Pardon me, jealousy?

Joey: Well yeah, I did. You’re forever making fun of me, putting me down in front of the rest of the gang. You just can’t handle the fact that I get so many women I suppose...

Chandler: That is so not true!!! What the hell has gotten into you??

Joey: Into me?

Chandler: Pa-ha! You just said ‘women’!


(Scene: Monica’s bedroom, with Monica and Chandler)

Chandler: Mon, do you uh think that other girls you know sorta find me attractive...

Monica: I dunno, I suppose so. (Laughs) Well actually I’ve seen a few admiring glances in your direction, so yeah, of course other girls find you attractive.

Chandler: More than Joey?

Monica: (Hugs him) Ohh sweetie where is this coming from? It’s not about what Joey was saying earlier is it? (Chandler nods) Hey c’mon who’s the one with the girlfriend?

Chandler: Me

Monica: Exactly! Joey’s the one without a girlfriend so don’t worry about it!

Chandler: Yeah but he’s really bothering me. I just cracked a joke about his poetry and he went totally wacko on me and started using all these...big words.

Monica: (pulling away) Oh my God! Have you any idea how important that is to him?

Chandler: (laughs nervously) What? C’mon Joey and poetry just DO NOT mix!

Monica: Don’t be so insensitive! He’s been writing poems for a while now and he didn’t want to tell you cause he knew you’d make fun of him! It means a lot to him.

Chandler: I had no idea. I thought he was just fooling around.

Monica: Yeah well I think you should make it up to him. (gets idea) And I know exactly what you should do!

Chandler: Uh-huh?

Monica: Well, mom and dad are going to an overnight ballroom dance sponsored thing and she asked me to stay there the night, you know cause they’re supposed to be looking after their neighbours’dog while they’re on vacation.

Chandler: Woah, woah wait a sec. Your mom asked YOU to do that? I thought she...hated you!

Monica: (glares at him) Very funny! Yeah well at the moment she sorta thinks Ross is a total depressive mess cause of Emily and his second broken marriage and everything, so I’m in her good books for once. Anyway, why don’t we all go together? They’ve got a theater nearby and you could take Joey as an apology, you know see what’s on.

Chandler: Actually that could be cool. But if he wants to see the opera I’m goin’ home. (Monica gives him a ‘look’) Just kidding! (They kiss)

(Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang)

Monica: So what does everyone think then? Are we all on for tonight?

Phoebe and Joey: Yeah, sure (etc)

Monica: Rach?

Rachel: God, Mon I’m sorry I really, I just don’t feel like it. I’ve been feeling kinda weird today, and I just wouldn’t be any fun. I’m sorry.

Monica: Hey, that’s OK honey. Listen maybe one of us should stay with you if you don’t feel too good.

Rachel: Oh, no no I’m really not that bad I just don’t feel like goin’ out that’s all.

Ross: Yeah Rach’ll be fine I’ll keep her company.

Monica: YOU’RE NOT COMING EITHER????? (the whole of Central Perk turn to stare at her) oh, you’re not coming either?

Ross: Oh come off it Mon, after mom and dad tell me they don’t even trust me to look after a poodle for one night I’m kinda not in the mood to go stay in their house for the night. Besides, I’m not gonna leave Rachel by herself.

Rachel: Aw, really? That’s so sweet.

Monica: Well that’s just great. Me and Phoebe for the whole night. Great.

Phoebe: Uh, hello? Me, Phoebe, me fun Phoebe, Phoebe, fun Pheebs.

Monica: Oh, honey I didn’t mean anything by that. You know what I meant.

Joey: What about me and Chandler? I thought we were coming.

Chandler: (With prompt from Monica) Uh, we...are. Only I’ve decided that it’d be nice if us two went out to the theater for the night, my treat. Whatdya say? You can choose.

Joey: Well, I dunno I didn’t think we were (smile creeps up on his face) YEAH t-h-e-a-t-e-r here we come!!!!!! Oh can we go see the new Shakespeare adaptation??? Please, please???

Chandler: Well, uh (receives glare from Monica) yes sure we can. (Grimaces).

(Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is there alone looking depressed watching TV)

Knock, knock (Rachel sits there until there’s another knock, and suddenly realises she’s the only person in to answer the door so gets up and opens it, it’s Ross, with a bottle of wine, and a smile and a bag - Rachel smiles)

Rachel: Hey, I wondered why you just didn’t come in.

Ross: Yeah sorry but last time I tried to open a door with a bottle of wine in my hand wooo-hooo! (Rachel laughs) Of course I was drunk at the time (Rachel continues laughing) and had just found out my marriage was over. (Rachel stops laughing and they sit down. There’s an uncomfortable silence.)

Rachel: So, just me and you.

Ross: Uh, um yeah.

Rachel: So

Ross:, um, how are you feeling?

Rachel: Actually, not too bad. I think I’m just a little tired.

Ross: Oh I’m sorry. Should I not have come?

Rachel: Oh, no no you should have! I’m glad of the company. Uh, what’s the bag for, have you brought Scrabble?(giggles)

Ross:Uh, um, no....I’m uh staying over tonight....I thought there was no point in us both being alone and living right opposite each other, so you know, I uh figured I’d use Mon’s room tonight......if that’s ok. Or is that weird?

Rachel: NO, I mean no that’s not weird at all, why should it be weird?

Ross: No reason. (Looks at TV in disgust) uh, are you watching this? Only there’s a show I really like on the radio...

Rachel: (Nods ‘no’) Oh God yeah, sure turn it on.

Ross: OK (Goes over to Stereo and turns it on)

Rachel: I’m glad you came.

Ross: Yeah, me too.

(Scene: Mon’s mom and dad’s)

Phoebe: I know, I know shall we play The Truth Game?

Monica: Uh, yeah sure.

Phoebe: OK so out of ALL the MANY people you’ve slept with, who is the ahem best?

Monica: You can’t ask me that!!

Phoebe: Why not? I won’t tell anyone.

Monica: It’s not fair on the other people

Phoebe: Oh my God is it not Chandler?

Monica: Phoebe shut up, SHUT UP! I’m not answering!

Phoebe: OK, ok alright then, out of all the people you’ve ever been in love with, who have you loved the most?

Monica: OK, ok I’ll answer, but you’ve got to SWEAR not to tell anyone!

Phoebe: OK I promise.

Monica: Well at the moment I really love Chandler. I think he’s great. He’s cute, sexy and he really makes me laugh

Phoebe: BUT?

Monica: AND he’s a really great person.

Phoebe: BUT?

Monica: I haven’t been with him for very long yet, and the only other person I’ve ever...loved is....

Phoebe: OH MY GOD!! Richard. You, oh God, oh God!! Do you still love Richard? Do you love him more than Chandler?

Monica: NO! Yes, oh God I don’t know! (Phoebe has her mouth open in disbelief)

Phoebe: Yeah but you haven’t seen him, for like what, over a year? (Monica cringes) OH MY GOD!! When did you see him?

Monica: Oh God, you promise you won’t tell anyone? (Phoebe nods ferrociously) OK, well last week when I came over here to see my dad he was here. And right after Richard left, my dad went to play golf, and then Richard came back for his wallet and...

Phoebe: WHAT? Oh my God did you sleep with him?

Monica: (hurt) NO!!! Nothing happened. But it could have. We ended up talking for two whole hours, you know just like we used to. It was so great, and I’ve missed him so much.

Phoebe: MONICA!!! You are unbelieveable! You are with CHANDLER here, and he’s great, and he loves you so much.

Monica: Yeah and I love him too, but, oh I guess I just had a Richard relapse.

(Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross and Rachel and sitting together on the two-seater)

Rachel: Hey, do you remember when I lost Marcel?

Ross: (laughs) Oh, God I was so mad! If you’d have been anyone else I would’ve killed you, but I was too in love with you to be angry for long. (They both smile) How about when I wrote that list about you, and then you hated me until we were watching that old prom-night video?

Rachel: Oh have we still got that? (Ross groans as Rachel gets up and looks for tape) Oh yeah here it is, I’m sure this is it. (She puts it in the VCR and turns the radio off) Oh MY NOSE!!! (Ross laughs) Don’t laugh look at you! (They are hysterical with laughter as Ross tells Rachel he gonna ‘work on his music’)

Ross: Oh, oh I can’t breathe! Oh I haven’t laughed so much since....since I don’t know! (Rachel turns the video off) Yeah good idea, unless you wanna see my parents having sex! (They become hysterical again. After they’ve calmed down a bit Rachel stands up)

Rachel: Oh, uh I’ll uh turn the radio back on. (Starts giggling again. She turns the radio on and sits back down) Oh, we’ve had some fun times.

Ross: We certainly have. (U2 - ‘With Or Without You’ comes on the radio.)

Rachel: (looks at Ross) That’s our, uh, thats our song (her eyes fill with tears and she turns away)

Ross: Rachel, Rach what are you....why are you crying? Rach? (He puts his arms around her)

Rachel: Oh Ross, oh Ross.

Ross: Oh, Rach what is it honey, what is it?

Rachel: This is our song, you know, OUR song. From when we were together, and it just makes me think of what we had and how much I miss you, and I can’t believe I’m not with you anymore.

Ross: I know, I know. (he rubs her back soothingly)

Rachel: And you’d think, you know, that things would be OK by now, you know it’s been like two years.

Ross: You know, when we broke up that was the worst day of my life.

Rachel: Really? Not even when Emily told you she didn’t trust you?

Ross: No. And you know why? Because (takes a deep breath and tries to gulp back the tears)...because alongside Ben....

Rachel: Alongside Ben?

Ross: Alongside Ben...I’ve never had anything in my life that was as important as what you and I have(tears are rolling down his cheeks and Rachel’s)

Rachel: we have? Did you just say have?

Ross: Yeah. Uh, yeah I did. And to think that I was going to agree to not see you ever just makes me feel like crap, you know. You’re one of the most important people in my life and I can’t imagine it without you. I just can’t. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Rachel: (trying to stop crying) Ross, Ross, do you...uh

Ross:I don’t think I’ve ever stopped loving you. Oh this is such a mess. I marry a lesbian and then a control freak. Why couldn’t we have just got together for good in school? Why does everything have to be so complicated?

Rachel: I...I don’t know. Learning experiences I guess, trying to teach us the meaning of life, and what purpose each of us has

Ross: Well then it sucks!! Rachel I don’t think I’ve ever said this to you, but...for what happened with Chloe, I am SO sorry. I wasn’t thinking straight. I thought you wanted to break up with me and I was so depressed, I felt like I had no one, like the one person in the world that I was truly devoted to didn’t want me anymore. And when I called you to make up, Mark was there and I just I was just so wrong. If I’d have just seen through my jealousy then we’d still be together now.

Rachel: Oh Ross...

Ross: Rachel, I love you (she smiles and starts crying again)

Rachel: Ross, oh God

Ross: I love you so much, more than ever.

Rachel: I...I love you too! And thank you, for apologizing. You didn’t have to do that, I’ve already forgiven you, but that means so much. I love you more than anything in the world. (They hug each other and as the song continues Ross gently kisses Rachel. They both have tears running down their faces. Rachel kisses Ross passionately and they move into her bedroom).

(Scene: Monica and Rachel’s. Mon, Chandler, Phoebe and Joey enter)

Monica: Rachel, we’re back. (She walks into her room and then comes out again) That’s strange. Ross said he’d stay over and there’s no sign of him.

Joey: Mon, it’s 11am he’s probably gone already. (Monica walks towards Rachel’s room)

Monica: Rach (she knocks on the door) Rachel, we’re back. (She opens the door to see Ross and Rachel asleep in each other’s arms.) Oh my goodness!

Phoebe: (Walks through door, others follow) Oh sweet Lord!

Chandler: I cannot believe this!

Monica: Me neither! What the hell were they thinking?

Phoebe: I don’t know, you know maybe they uh, had a relapse. (Joey and Chandler exchange glances.)

(Closing scene: Back to Monica’s mom and dad’s, playing The Truth Game)

Monica: OK now it’s your turn.

Phoebe: Alright then, what’s the question?

Monica: Who’s your biggest crush?

Phoebe: (starts to blush) Oh I don’t have a crush on anyone right now...

Monica: That’s crap!

Phoebe: Oh, OK then, well I kinda think Joey’s cute.

Monica: Tribbiani? Joey? Joey Tribbiani?

Phoebe: Uh-huh

Monica: Oh my God, I go have a Richard relapse and you go for a poetry junkie. I, I mean a poetic Joey!!!