Written By: Laura Owen
(Scene: Everybody except Ross and Phoebe is sitting around in Monica and Rachel's apartment.)
MONICA: My God, everyone, guess who I saw today.
RACHEL: Who?
MONICA: Ms. Spelley!
CHANDLER: Who's Ms. Spelley?
MONICA: She was my sex-ed teacher in eighth grade! Remember, Rach? You had her too!
RACHEL: Umm…Ms. Spelley…oh, yeah! Remember how she always used to say, "Have protected sex or don't have any sex at all?"
MONICA: Yeah!
JOEY: Are you sure it was her?
MONICA: Oh, yeah! I recognized her, and I asked her, 'Are you Ms. Spelley?'"
CHANDLER: Wasn't she freaked out? She probably didn't recognize you, you know, a big girl back then.
MONICA: Chandler, shut up. Okay, no, she didn't recognize me, but then I told her who I was Then she remembered me, and she said that I looked fantastic. So, ha.
RACHEL: What did she say?
MONICA: Well, she said that she isn't a sex-ed teacher anymore. Now, she, like, owns a chain of drugstores or something. So that was kind of weird. And then she said I was one of her best students.
CHANDLER: Oh, so you were really good at putting a condom on a banana?
EVERYONE: Wha-a-a-a-a-a-a-t?
CHANDLER: Well that was what we did with Mr. Douglas.
JOEY: Who's Mr. Douglas?
CHANDLER: My eighth grade sex-ed teacher. Well, duh.
OPENING CREDITS
(Scene: Everybody is at the Central Perk.)
PHOEBE: Okay. So, you guys will not believe what happened today. I was at the Nature Center, getting some massage stuff. And right in front of me in line was this guy!
CHANDLER: You're right, I can't believe it! That's amazing!
PHOEBE: What? Oh, no, no, no, that's not the part you won't believe. What happened was that I bumped into the guy as he was leaving the store. And all his stuff fell out, and these scented oils he was getting broke!
CHANDLER: Wow, I really can't believe tha--(sees the look Phoebe is giving him)--Okay, never mind. Go on.
PHOEBE: Now, if everyone will stop interrupting me, I said to the guy that I was so sorry, and that we could go inside again and I'd buy him some more, so we did, and as he was picking them out, we were talking, and, and, he's a therapist for handicapped kids, and since I'm a massage therapist, it's like we're related or something, and we are so perfect for each other, and his name is Terrence, and he asked me out for Wednesday, and we're having dinner at Pierre's!
CHANDLER: Now, that was a run-on sentence.
JOEY: Okay, hold on. Why was he getting scented oils?
PHOEBE: You know, some people care about the way they smell.
ROSS: But Phoebe, you know, those are usually used for, well--
MONICA: Sex, Ross. Don't be ashamed to talk about it. That's what Ms. Spelley used to tell us.
RACHEL: Yeah! Remember, sex is a perfectly normal, um…bodily function.
JOEY: Yuck! A bodily function?
PHOEBE: Okay, has everyone just stopped listening to me?
EVERYONE: No, Phoebe, sorry.
JOEY: But, yeah, people usually use scented oils for sex.
PHOEBE: Yeah, they did say "erotic and sensuous" on the bottle. So?
RACHEL: So that guy is sleeping with someone else…and he asked you out on a date!
PHOEBE: Oh my God, you guys. You can't really think that!
JOEY: Well, then why was he getting them?
PHOEBE (thinks): I don't know. Maybe he likes to smell…um…ready for sex.
ROSS: Yeah, Phoebs, I bet that's it.
JOEY: Oh, come on, guys. Phoebe, you should just go. It's not your fault if he does have another girlfriend or something. I mean, you didn't know about it.
MONICA: Joey!
PHOEBE: No, he's right. And I'm going. It's just for dinner, and it's not like I could afford Pierre's if he wasn't taking me.
CHANDLER: Yeah, it's a gazillion dollars for, like, a salad.
RACHEL: Yeah, well, you won't have to owe him sex or anything. Remember that Ms. Spelley used to say, "Girls, never feel that you owe a boy a sexual favor. Even if he's done something special for you, you do not need to reward him with sex."
JOEY: Wait, wait a minute here. I'm not sure that's true, because what if he gave you a sexual favor? Isn't it nice to give him one in return?
ROSS: Well, that's kind of more fair, you know?
CHANDLER: Wow, I hope I never do it with someone who was very influenced by Ms. Spelley's words. It would be a big "Take, but don't give" selfish thing.
JOEY: Considering the fact that you never do it with anybody, Chandler, that isn't something you really need to worry about.
CHANDLER (punches him): Hey!
(Scene cuts to Thursday. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are in Monica and Rachel's apartment.)
MONICA: So, Phoebe, how was the date with Terrence?
PHOEBE: Oh, yeah, well, it was…guiltifying.
RACHEL: Now, that's not a word I've heard before.
PHOEBE: It means that now I feel guilty.
MONICA: Honey, why? What happened?
PHOEBE: We didn't have sex.
RACHEL: Okay, but…?
PHOEBE: We kind of, um, fooled around at my apartment afterwards.
MONICA: Oh, so you feel guilty because he might have a girlfriend?
PHOEBE: Well, I don't know if he does or not. Maybe I shouldn't feel guilty.
RACHEL: That's right. Maybe he doesn't have a girlfriend. And if he does, well, he should feel guilty, not you.
PHOEBE: Okay. So I'm trying not to feel guilty. But I have a guilty feeling in my stomach anyway…Uh-oh! (Rushes to the bathroom, her hand over her mouth. After awhile she comes back)
PHOEBE: Okay, that was nausea, not guilt.
MONICA: What happened?
RACHEL: What do you think? She threw up!
PHOEBE (seeing Monica's look): And don't worry, I flushed the toilet, and I did not get it on your bathroom floor or anything, Monica.
MONICA (pretending to be confused): What?
RACHEL: Are you sick, Phoebe?
PHOEBE: I don't know. But I haven't felt that great lately. I'm sort of tired.
(Chandler, Ross, and Joey enter Monica and Rachel's apartment.)
CHANDLER: Hey!
MONICA, RACHEL, & PHOEBE: Hi.
JOEY: Can I pee?
RACHEL: What?
JOEY: In your toilet, duh.
RACHEL: Yeah, of course. That's just sort of a strange way of asking, you know?
JOEY: Well, I'm a man of few words. (He goes off to the bathroom.)
CHANDLER: Oh, did you buy anymore of those things?
MONICA: What things?
CHANDLER: Oh, those…those, you know, those little yummy things?
ROSS: Yeah, I know what you mean. Those little salty good things!
CHANDLER: Yup, those. And they're, you know, yellow?
MONICA: And you ate them here? Are you sure?
ROSS: Oh, yeah, we did. Last time we were here, and you poured them into a dish while we were watching The Sonny and Cher Show?
RACHEL: Oh, I know what they mean. They want Cheese Nips.
ROSS & CHANDLER: Yeah!
MONICA: Um, okay. Yeah, they're in the cupboard in the kitchen.
(Joey comes out of the bathroom.)
JOEY: Where are Ross and Chandler?
PHOEBE: Oh, they went to the kitchen to get Cheese Nips.
JOEY: Oh, yum, those little things! (He runs to the kitchen.)
PHOEBE (whispering): Okay, while they're not here, I just want to tell you two something. Don't tell Ross and Joey and Chandler that I think I'm pregnant, okay?
MONICA & RACHEL: What?
RACHEL: Oh my God, Phoebs! You think you're pregnant?
MONICA: Um, just so you know, you didn't tell us that, either.
PHOEBE: Sorry, I thought you would have guessed. You know, I was throwing up, and I'm tired.
MONICA: So you guys fooled around and he wasn't wearing a condom?
PHOEBE: Yeah, it was just fooling around, but I don't know, I've heard that you can get pregnant just from that…
MONICA: I think you can. But I don't know--
(Ross, Chandler, and Joey come back into the room.)
PHOEBE (to Monica and Rachel): Shut up now!
CHANDLER: What? I didn't say anything.
PHOEBE: No, not you. I just thought…um, I thought I heard something.
ROSS: What was it?
PHOEBE: Oh, you know, a noise.
JOEY: What kind of noise?
PHOEBE: My God, you guys ask way too many questions.
CHANDLER: No, but was it like a robber or something?
PHOEBE: No, it was like, um, an animal.
ROSS: An animal? What kind?
RACHEL: A bird.
MONICA (at the same time as Rachel): A cat.
PHOEBE: They mean a catbird. It was like a catbird.
CHANDLER: How do you know what a catbird sounds like?
PHOEBE: Oh! Um, nature camp. When I was nine.
JOEY: You never went to nature camp.
PHOEBE: You weren't there, you wouldn't know.
ROSS: Is it in this apartment?
PHOEBE: I think it's, um, in Rachel's bedroom.
JOEY: Cool! Let's go find it. (Ross, Chandler, and Joey go into Rachel's room.)
(Scene: the next evening. Rachel is on the phone with Phoebe; a split screen is able to show both of them talking.)
RACHEL: Guess what, Phoebe. I went to the bookstore today and got this sex book.
PHOEBE: Oh, wow, you want to be more creative with Ross?
RACHEL: No. It's for you.
PHOEBE: Oh, I'm not sleeping with anyone.
RACHEL: No. It's mostly sex questions. And one of the questions in there is, "Can you get pregnant without intercourse?"
PHOEBE: What's the answer, what's the answer?
RACHEL: Okay. "Even without intercourse, a woman can become pregnant if sperm are ejaculated near enough…" Okay, you fill in the blanks. Oh, God, I'll just stop reading now.
PHOEBE: Oh, no. Okay, he was sort of, y'know…
RACHEL: Near?
PHOEBE: Um, yeah.
RACHEL: Oh, Phoebs. Wanna come over tomorrow? The guys are going to a game. So only Monica and me are gonna be here. And we can get a pregnancy test for you.
PHOEBE: Oh, great, that'll be fun! Like a girls' day out!
RACHEL: Oh, listen to this. The book says a lot of people do it standing up.
PHOEBE: Well, what do you know! It does have ways for you to be more creative with Ross!
RACHEL: Okay, Phoebe, I'll see you tomorrow.
(Scene: The next afternoon, in Rachel and Monica's apartment.)
MONICA: Why can't you come with us to get it?
PHOEBE: Oh. I don't want people to know I'm pregnant yet. Did you know it's very bad to tell anyone before the third month?
RACHEL: Honey, you don't even know if you're pregnant!
PHOEBE: Oh, please please please? I want to read about pregnancy. (She holds up a book: A Natural and Organic Pregnancy. Monica and Rachel look at each other; Monica raises her eyebrows.)
RACHEL: Okay, fine. Monica, let's just go to the drugstore and get one for her, I need shampoo anyway.
MONICA: Okay. We'll go for you, Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Oh, thank you! And can you pick up some dried fish when you're there?
RACHEL & MONICA: Wh-a-a-a-at?
PHOEBE: The book says eating fish will make the baby smarter.
RACHEL (shrugs): Okay, Phoebs, I'll look for some at CVS.
(Scene cuts to the drugstore. Monica and Rachel are looking at pregnancy tests.)
RACHEL: Which of these do you think is better? This one turns pink if you're pregnant, and this one has two little squares.
MONICA: Let's get this one. It has a positive sign if you're pregnant, that's easier.
RACHEL: Okay, we'll get that one. I've got my shampoo. Want to go pay?
MONICA: Sure, I'm ready.
(They go up to the cash register and get in line.)
MONICA: Oh. My. God.
RACHEL: What, what?
MONICA: It's Ms. Spelley!
RACHEL: Where?
MONICA: The cash register! The person working at the cash register!
RACHEL: It can't be!
MONICA: Yeah, she said she owned a chain of drugstores now, remember?
RACHEL: Oh, yeah! Well, why are you so upset?
MONICA: She's going to think I'm pregnant!
RACHEL: Oh, come on. It's not like she's going to ask. I don't think salespeople are allowed to do that.
MONICA: But what if she does?
RACHEL: So? Come on, put the stuff on the counter!
MS. SPELLEY: Monica? Monica Geller? Why, fancy seeing meeting up with you again!
MONICA: Oh…yeah! Hi, Ms. Spelley! What a coincidence, huh?
MS. SPELLEY: Why, yes! And is that…Rachel Green?
RACHEL: Yeah! Hi, Ms. Spelley! I can't believe you remember me.
MS. SPELLEY: Oh, I remember all my students. (She looks down at the pregnancy test.) So, is one of you…you know…expecting?
MONICA (Giving Rachel a look, like "See?"): Oh, yes, um, Rachel thinks she's pregnant.
RACHEL (At the same time as Monica): Oh, this is for a friend.
MS. SPELLEY (Thinking Rachel's making that up): Why, Rachel, don't be shy! That's wonderful!
RACHEL: But I'm not…
MS. SPELLEY: That's $20.
MONICA (Gives her money): There you go. Oh, gosh, we better be going!
MS. SPELLEY: Okay! See you soon, and oh, Monica, say hi to Ross for me! He was my most creative student!
MONICA: All right, I will! Bye!
(They walk outside the store)
RACHEL: Monica, oh my God! How could you do that?
MONICA: I'm really sorry, Rach, but I didn't want her to think I was pregnant!
RACHEL: Who cares? What if she tells Ross?
MONICA: Oh, yeah, Rachel, that's really going to happen.
RACHEL: It could, you know. Monica, I can't believe you did that. All we had to do was tell her it was for a friend.
MONICA: Rachel, I'm sorry. Look, nobody's going to run into her again, so it doesn't even matter.
RACHEL (considering): Okay. I guess you're right…
(Scene cuts to Monica and Rachel's bathroom. Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are gathered around the toilet.)
PHOEBE: Now I dip it in my pee?
MONICA (reading the instructions): Um…yeah, and then, there's a positive sign if you're pregnant.
PHOEBE: Okay, here I go, here I go, here I go…(Dips the stick into the pee)
(Scene cuts to Ross, Joey, and Chandler coming home from the game)
CHANDLER: Ooh, ooh, can we stop at CVS? I'm in the mood for candy.
ROSS: How can you be hungry? You ate, like, a billion ice cream cones and hotdogs an inning.
JOEY: You sound like a mommy. "No more junk food, you'll spoil your appetite…"
CHANDLER: Not my mommy. When my parents got divorced, I gave up food for, like, a month.
ROSS: To get them back together?
CHANDLER: Well, you know, I stop eating, and then I die, and then at my funeral my parents are both there, and…it's true love!
JOEY: Oh, and everyone lives happily ever after?
CHANDLER: Yeah!
JOEY: Except that you died, so how would you know if they fell in love again?
ROSS: Well, the greatness of their love brings him back to life.
CHANDLER: Wow, it's like you were there, in my mind. Anyway, can we stop, please, please, pleeeease?
JOEY: We can if you promise to be good at nursery school tomorrow.
CHANDLER: I prom—hey, shut up!
(They enter the store)
ROSS: I need to get some personal stuff.
JOEY: Extra thin for more sensitivity, or with a reservoir tip?
ROSS: Wha—How'd you know?
JOEY: Oh, it's just that most people don't say they're getting personal stuff unless it's condoms or adult diapers. So I figured, well, you still use the toilet…
ROSS (sarcastically): Wow, you're like Einstein.
JOEY: Yeah, want to know something else I figured out?
(Scene cuts back to Monica and Rachel's bathroom)
PHOEBE: Why isn't it doing anything? Why, why, why?
MONICA: Okay, this says it takes 5 minutes.
PHOEBE: 5 minutes! 5 minutes! I can't wait 5 minutes!
RACHEL: Okay, I'll read to us from the book while we wait!
PHOEBE: The sex book?
RACHEL: Yup! (She runs to get it)
MONICA: C'mon, watch it, watch it! Something's happening! It's positive! That means a baby, a baby!
PHOEBE: Um, Monica? Nothing is happening. There's no positive sign.
MONICA: I know. I'm just pretending this is me and it's my test.
PHOEBE: Oh, Monica. I'm sorry that I might be pregnant and for you, there's just no chance.
RACHEL: I'm back! Here's the book! Do we want, "The top 10 sex questions," or, "Women share their greatest sexual techniques"?
MONICA & PHOEBE: Greatest techniques! Greatest techniques!
RACHEL: Okay. "Jessica, a teacher in Chicago, says that her trick is to be spontaneous…"
(Scene cuts to the CVS)
CHANDLER (finds Joey and Ross looking at condoms): I'm ready to go! I've got Twizzlers! What are you guys doing here?
JOEY: Well, you see, instead of candy, we enjoy eating latex.
ROSS: Okay, I'm going to try these extra-lubricated ones, because Rachel and I are going through every kind deciding what our favorite is.
CHANDLER: Ooh, that's like when I tried every kind of Lifesavers to decide what my favorite was!
JOEY: I'm going to be so scared if that isn't a joke…Actually, I'll be scared if it is a joke, too.
(They go to the cash register, where Ms. Spelley is working. Ross goes to pay.)
MS. SPELLEY: Ross! Ross Geller?
ROSS: Why, um, yes, um, how do you know my name?
MS. SPELLEY: Don't you remember me? I'm Ms. Spelley.
(Ross looks confused)
MS. SPELLEY: Ms. Spelley, you know, eighth-grade sex-ed?
ROSS: Oh…yeah…yeah, I remember you!
MS. SPELLEY: This is so funny, because today I ran into Monica and Rachel, and I saw Monica the other day, too.
ROSS: Oh! Um, yeah, she mentioned that.
MS. SPELLEY: Yes, that's right. They were getting a pregnancy test for Rachel, and I thought that was so wonderful. Who's she seeing now?…Ross, dear, are you okay? You look pale.
(Scene cuts back to the bathroom in Monica's apartment)
PHOEBE: When is this ever going to do anything? You know, I don't want to spend all of our Girls' Day Out just sitting in a bathroom, dipping a stick into a little cup of pee.
MONICA: Maybe we should take it back. Maybe it's busted, or something.
RACHEL: Wait, wait, look!
(Scene cuts to Ross, Joey, and Chandler walking home from CVS.)
ROSS: Oh my God. Oh my God. Rachel thinks she's pregnant and, and she didn't tell me? She didn't tell me!
JOEY: Well, maybe she hasn't told anyone, maybe she just wants to see for herself first and not make a big deal about the whole thing!
ROSS: But we're careful, we're careful!
CHANDLER: Well, it's lucky you're getting a new kind of condoms, cause I guess the other ones weren't working so well.
ROSS: But, but, but, they're fine, they were fine, they didn't rip or anything, there weren't any rips!
CHANDLER: You know, you know, you're saying everything twice, everything twice!
ROSS: I'm, I'm just, I don't know, I'm just, I don't know…
JOEY: Spazzed out?
(Scene cuts back to Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel.)
PHOEBE: That's, that's a negative sign, that's a negative sign!
MONICA: Phoebs, you're not pregnant!
RACHEL: Should I say congratulations, or I'm sorry? Cause you seemed sort of excited about having a baby before.
PHOEBE: Oh, no, say congratulations. I'm happy.
MONICA & RACHEL: Congratulations!
PHOEBE: I know! Yea, me!
MONICA: So do we celebrate?
PHOEBE: Yes, yes, let's have a party! A Girls' Day Out party?
RACHEL: Okay, although we're not really out.
PHOEBE: I know, but I like saying Girls' Day Out, it's so funny. Girls' Day Out, Girls' Day Out.
MONICA: Okay, Phoebs, let's see, we have ice cream, that's for a party. And I have some old balloons from the baby shower I catered. They say "Baby" on them, but we can pretend they say "No Baby." (She blows some up and throws them around)
RACHEL: And we have…um, we have cookies! Fig Newtons!
MONICA: What a crappy party. Old low-fat ice cream and Fig Newtons.
PHOEBE: No, it's good, I'll sing a party song, um, about the no baby. Um…okay, "There's not a baby after all, the pregnancy test said so. And although there isn't a baby, we can still have a good time, you know. We're having a party, we're having fun, and one day Monica will be a mom. La-la-la, la-la-la. Girls' Day Out!" Did you guys like it?
RACHEL: That was great, Phoebs.
MONICA: Thanks for the part about me.
PHOEBE: Oh, you know, I just put that part in cause even though it's not really true, "Mom" kinda rhymes with "fun," you know?
MONICA: Why won't I ever be a mom?
RACHEL: Oh, honey, of course you will.
MONICA: Phoebe, why won't I ever be a mom?
PHOEBE: Oh, no, did I start something? Oh, no, Monica, don't feel sad, you could very easily have kids one day…there are sperm banks and stuff now…and okay, let's change the subject.
RACHEL: Um, happy party!
PHOEBE: Yeah, it's kind of funny, we're having a party for a dead baby.
MONICA: Now that sounds pleasant.
(Ross, Joey, and Chandler enter)
JOEY: Hi, guys, we're home!
MONICA: Wasn't the game over awhile ago?
ROSS: Yeah, but it took awhile getting out, and then we stopped at CVS. And that's when I found out this news from Ms. Spelley. (He looks at the balloons with "Baby" on them) Which I guess is true. We're, we're, Rachel, we're, we're, we're…
CHANDLER: What Mr. Talks-A-Lot is trying to ask is if you're pregnant, Rachel.
RACHEL: What?
ROSS: I can't believe it, Rachel! You didn't tell me first, and Phoebe and Monica know?
RACHEL: What did I tell you? Oh, God! Monica, this is your fault!
MONICA: What? All I did was lie to Ms. Spelley…and say Rachel was pregnant…Yeah, I can see how that'll backfire on ya.
ROSS: So, what, so, so, so Rachel's not pregnant?
RACHEL: No, honey, of course not. We're always careful, how could I be? (She hugs him)
ROSS: Oh, good, oh, there's no baby…Okay, wait, why did Ms. Spelley say you were?
MONICA: Okay, see, Rachel and I went to get Phoebe a pregnancy test. And so we saw Ms. Spelley at CVS, and I lied and said it was for Rachel cause I didn't want her to think it was for me, and so she thought it was for Rachel, so when you guys saw her…which by the way, is a really weird coincidence…
JOEY (picking up a "Baby" balloon): Oh my God! So Phoebe is pregnant?
CLOSING CREDITS
(Scene: Chandler is at the grocery store, paying.)
CASH REGISTER GUY: That'll be—Chandler Bing?
CHANDLER: Yep, that's me, and you are…?
CASH REGISTER GUY: Mr. Douglas, eighth grade sex-ed? You were always so good at putting the condom on the banana!
END