Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
Previously on Friends
RALPH LAUREN
Kim: Listen, I need you to fly to Los Angeles tomorrow to meet with some designers on Friday morning. Is that going to be a problem?
Rachel: No, no problem.
Kim: I got you an extra ticket too. Take Ross and have some fun while youre there, make a weekend out of it.
CENTRAL PERK
Joey: You know what we should do? We should move all of their stuff out of their apartment.
Courteney: Why would you do that?
Joey: As a prank.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT
Chandler: Ok. Ok. Joey said your boobs werent real and I said they were. (pause) Theyre real arent they?
Monica: Well, were about to have our first official fight as a married couple. Yes, these are real, not that youll be seeing them anytime soon. And congratulations, youve won the booby prize, you get to spend the night at Joeys. Now get out, Im taking my breasts and going to sleep!
HILTON HOTEL LOS ANGELES (Rachel and Ross are getting ready for dinner)
Rachel: And this woman just asked us, you and I, if we wanted to have dinner with them?
Ross: I told you honey, it Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. Theyre not just anyone, theyre celebrities.
Rachel: And Brad and Jennifer want to have dinner with us?
(knock on the door, Ross answers it. Its Jennifer and Brad)
Ross: Hey, come on in.
Jennifer: Are you guys ready?
Rachel: Oh my God, its Brad Pitt!
Opening Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Courteney are present)
Phoebe: (to Chandler) So Monica is still making you sleep at Joeys?
Chandler: Yeah. I really dont see what I did wrong. So I asked her if her boobs were real or fake, big deal.
Courteney: You are an idiot.
Chandler: And youre fired.
Joey: Yeah, I agree with Chandler, whats the big deal? Theyre only breasts.
Courteney: Well then how come youve never asked me if mine are real or not?
Joey: Cause I know.
Courteney: And how do you know?
Joey: Cause I know. You can tell when theyre fake and when theyre real.
Phoebe: (to Chandler) And youre too stupid to know the difference?
Chandler: Apparently.
Courteney: Joey, are mine real or not?
Chandler: Dont answer that Joey.
Joey: Theyre real.
Courteney: Youre wrong, theyre fake.
Joey: No theyre not.
Courteney: Ok no, theyre real. Look Chandler, you dont ask your wife if her boobs are real or not. Its insulting. You should love her for who she is, not whether her boobs are real or not.
Phoebe: I totally agree. When I had mine done, I didnt tell anybody.
Chandler: Yours are fake?
Phoebe: Totally. Like with the life Ive had Id be blessed with a great chest. I had them done ten years ago.
SOMEWHERE IN LOS ANGELES (Ross, Rachel, Jennifer and Brad are at dinner)
Jennifer: Let me get this straight, Ross had a crush on you for ten years and didnt do anything about it?
Rachel: Thats right.
Brad: Way to be aggressive Ross.
Ross: Look, its not that simple. Rachel was this totally popular girl in high school. She was the head cheerleader, I mean she was at the top of the pyramid. Me, I was just a geek who played in the band. And, and, I was a year older.
Rachel: Honey, you still are a geek.
Brad: I still dont see why you didnt go for it Ross. Hell, I was a geek in high school.
Rachel: Excuse me you, you were a geek?
Brad: I was in the drama club and I had braces.
Rachel: That could make you a geek.
Jennifer: I certainly wasnt miss popular either.
Ross: Now that I dont believe, youre a beautiful woman. I mean wow!
Jennifer: A teenager with like 30 piercings in my ears and out of control hair.
Brad: So you finally got Rachel to go out with you and then you blew it?
Ross: Yeah. I blew it big time.
Jennifer: But it sounds like you were on a break to me. Yeah, you shouldnt have slept with someone three hours after breaking up, but we all make mistakes.
Ross: Thats what I thought, (Notices Rachel is glaring at him) but then I realized that I was wrong.
Brad: What do you think Rachel?
Rachel: I was pissed at Ross for a long time, but I forgave him. I realized we were meant to be together. Yeah, weve had our problems since we got back together .
Jennifer: Like Ross kissing a naked woman and you kissing a co-worker .
Rachel: Exactly, but weve both learned that we have to work through our problems if we want our relationship to work.
Ross: And with me in the equation there are going to be plenty of problems.
Brad: Thats a statement all guys can make.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Monica is reading on the couch. Chandler enters. Monica sees Chandler and gets up to go to their bedroom)
Chandler: Mon, sooner or later were gonna have to talk about this.
Monica: Later sounds good to me. (Shuts the door to the bedroom)
Chandler: (outside the bedroom door) Monica, Monica please open the door. (pause) Mon, look Im sorry. I was insensitive and no normal married guy would ever ask his wife if her boobs were real. Its just that you didnt marry a normal guy. I love you just the way you are and Im sorry. Youre the world to me and without you in it Id be nothing. I already feel like Im nothing. Anyway, Ill be at Joeys. (Chandler leaves)
(cut to Monica who is sitting on their bed crying)
HILTON HOTEL LOS ANGELES (The couples are returning from dinner)
Ross: Thanks for paying for dinner.
Brad: No big deal. You can buy next time.
Ross: Next time?
Rachel: When they come to New York to visit.
Ross: Theyre coming to New York?
Jennifer: For your wedding.
Ross: Youre, youre coming to our wedding?
Rachel: Yes, I invited them.
Ross: Rachel!
Rachel: What?
Ross: Theyre celebrities. You dont invite celebrities to your wedding.
Jennifer: Why not? Were normal people too. But if you prefer, we wont come.
Ross: No, no not at all. Please come, wed be honored. I just thought that this sort of thing happens to you guys all the time.
Jennifer: What that we meet a nice couple with whom we have a lot in common with?
Ross: You like us?
Rachel: Jennifer excuse Ross, he doesnt make new friends easily.
Brad: Well weve had a great time, well see you guys in New York in a few of months.
Jennifer: Rachel, if you remember, please send those designs we talked about.
Rachel: Will do. Bye guys.
Ross: See you later.
(Brad and Jennifer go their own way)
Rachel: The guys arent going to believe us when we tell them who we had dinner with.
Ross: I cant believe I met Jennifer Aniston, shes so hot. (pause) But not as hot as you.
JOEYS APARTMENT (Joey, Courteney, and Chandler are hanging out.)
Courteney: So you tried to talk to Monica but she wouldnt talk to you?
Chandler: Yeah. I dont know what to do.
Joey: Get a divorce.
Courteney: Joey!
Joey: Just trying to help. Well it always works for Ross.
(Monica enters silently)
Chandler: Im not getting a divorce. I love her.
Monica: I love you too.
Chandler: Monica! (gets up and hugs Monica)
Monica: We need to talk.
Chandler: Im right behind you.
(Chandler and Monica leave)
Joey: You know what we need to do?
Courteney: (sexily) No, but knowing you its dirty.
Joey: Youre right. The duck needs a bath.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)
Joey: So you guys made up?
Chandler: Am I still staying at your apartment?
Joey: No. Look, did you make up or not?
Monica: We made up.
Phoebe: Dont Ross and Rachel get back this afternoon?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: Are you guys ready to serve your jail time?
Phoebe: Piece of cake for me. Ive done jail time before. Though Chandler, you better hire Joey to be your protector or youll leave with a new boyfriend.
Joey: I still dont see why we would go to jail.
Monica: Ah, does your stupid idea to rob their apartment ring any bells in your empty head?
Joey: Were gonna go to jail for that? That was just a prank.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (The place is empty. Ross and Rachel are in the hall)
Rachel: Those guys are never gonna believe that Brad Pitt is coming to our wedding!
Ross: Hey, dont forget about Jennifer! Shes only the hottest actress there is today!
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Rachel: Oh my God! Weve been robbed! Call the police! Call the police!
Ross: How? Theres no phone!
Rachel: Use your cell! Use your cell!
Ross: Stop repeating yourself, youre making me nervous! Crap! The battery is gone!
Rachel: To Monicas! To Monicas! (Realizes shes repeating herself again) Sorry!
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)
Phoebe: I wonder if it will be Gary who arrests us.
Chandler: Were not gonna get arrested. Ross and Rachel wouldnt turn us in.
Monica: And here I thought you knew my brother.
Joey: I still dont see what the big deal is, so we moved their stuff out of their apartment and put it into a storage unit. Its not like we cant put it back.
Phoebe: What the hell was that?
Monica: What was what?
(Ross and Rachel come flying in)
Phoebe: That.
Rachel: (out of breath) Our apartment, our apartment, everythings gone!
Ross: Weve been robbed!
Chandler: What?
Ross: Our stuff, its all gone!
Monica: Oh no!
Phoebe: Did you call the police?
Joey: (to Phoebe) What are you telling them to do that for?!
Phoebe: Shut up Joey! Did you call the police?
Ross: With what? We dont have a phone anymore!
(Courteney enters)
Courteney: Hey guys, how was your trip? (Ross and Rachel just stare blankly at her) Whats going on?
Joey: Courteney, Ross and Rachels apartment was robbed!
Courteney: No way!
Rachel: They took everything! The only thing we found was a beef jerky wrapper! I cant believe this!
Ross: They took all of my dinosaur bones!
Rachel: They even took the T-Rex bone that Ross gave me for our six-month back together anniversary.
Joey: That was a bone? (to Chandler) I told you it wasnt a sex toy.
(Chandler, Monica, Phoebe and Courteney look away from Joey)
Ross: What? What did you just say?
Joey: (back pedaling) Nothing. I said nothing.
Rachel: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! You guys did this! You guys took our stuff!
Monica: No we didnt. Joey must have just seen Rachels T-Rex bone when he visited.
Chandler: Exactly, why would we steal your stuff? I mean come on, Phoebes an ex-felon. Do you think she wants to go back to jail?
Rachel: Courteney?
Courteney: Dont ask me, Im just Joeys girlfriend.
Ross: Fine, Im calling the police. (Ross picks up the phone and starts dialing. Everyone else, but not Rachel, looks at him in a panic) Hello? (pause) Yeah, our apartment was burglarized. Can you send someone out to investigate? (pause) No everythings gone. (pause) We did find a beef jerky wrapper. (pause- Cut to Joey who is now very nervous) You can do DNA testing on it? (pause) And you can whether its a male or female? (pause) And what nationality? (pause) Great. Well see you in ten minutes. (pause) Oh the address, yeah its 2349 Barker Apartment 33. (Ross hangs up the phone)
Rachel: So the police are coming?
Ross: Yeah theyll be here in ten minutes. They said its a good thing we found that beef jerky wrapper. Apparently they can tell who the person is just by running some tests on it.
Joey: Stop! Stop! Fine! We did it! We stole your stuff and put it in a storage unit uptown! Call the police back and tell them false alarm!
Ross: Its too late Joey. You guys are all going to jail tonight.
Monica: Youd turn in your own sister?
Ross: Especially my sister. You got Dads Porsche after all.
Monica: Do you want it? Here, take the keys.
Phoebe: I think it will be fun back in jail. Oh, maybe crazy Gracie is still there. We had such a blast the last time I was in the slammer.
Chandler: My defense is that they made me do it!
Courteney: Well, I think Ill be going. You guys have fun in jail.
Rachel: Hold it missy, dont think Ross and I are that stupid. We know that they made you participate. You may think your Patty Hearst and all saying that they brainwashed you into participating, but youre still busted.
Ross: Well now that youve all confessed, I guess I better call the police now.
Joey: You didnt call the police yet?
Ross: No, but I made you sing like a lady.
Monica: Gimme the keys back to my Porsche!
Rachel: Not until we get our stuff back! This is the meanest prank you guys have ever pulled!
Chandler: Thank Joey, it was his idea.
Phoebe: Dont forget me! Without my storage unit, we never would have been able to pull it off.
Courteney: Ross, Rachel, just so you know, I told them not to do it. But they made me go along with the plan.
Rachel: Dont worry about it Courteney. You stick around long enough, youll get whats coming to ya.
Ross: Shall we go get our stuff back?
Joey: Ill call for the truck.
CENTRAL PERK (That night. Everyone is present including Courteney)
Rachel: All I can say is that you guys are lucky that nothing was missing.
Ross: My dinosaur bone collection is very expensive, you guys would have never been able to afford to replace it.
Joey: Ross who would want to steal your dinosaur bone collection?
Phoebe: I would. I think theyre cool.
Ross: Thank you Phoebe.
Phoebe: I could use them as logs for my fire.
Chandler: Well I think you guys are being cool about this whole prank business. If it were me, Id be a little more pissed.
Rachel: Aw come on, how can I stay pissed at my future brother-in-law?
Monica: Thats right, well all be related by marriage soon.
(Four policemen enter)
Courteney: The cops are here. What did you do this time Joey?
Joey: I started dating you.
Cop No. 1: Excuse me, were looking for Chandler and Monica Bing, Joey Tribbiani, Phoebe Buffay, and Courteney Cox.
Chandler: That would be us. (pointing to those named) Can we help you officer?
Cop No. 2: Chandler Bing, Monica Bing, Joey Tribbiani, Phoebe Buffay and Courteney Cox, you all have the right to remain silent, anything you say or do may be held against you in a court of law .(officer continues to read rights)
Monica: (to Ross) Youre having us arrested? How could you?
Ross: Dont do the crime if you cant do the time.
Rachel: Dont worry, I hear Johnnie Cochran is available.
Closing Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Rachel are sitting on the couch laughing)
Rachel: You realize this isnt going to be as funny as it is right now once they figure out that those guys arent real cops.
Ross: They all started it. Did you see their faces? They didnt know what hit them.
Rachel: I thought Chandler was going to start peeing his pants right then and there.
Ross: You know whats scary? Phoebe seemed excited about going to jail.
Rachel: Poor Courteney, she probably thinks we are a sadistic group of friends.
(Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Courteney enter)
Ross: Oh did you make bail?
End