The One With The Prank - Part I


Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.


JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are watching TV)

Chandler: Now see, her boobs are real.

Joey: No way, they’re silicone all the way.

Chandler: How do you know?

Joey: I am an expert. I should have a degree in Boobology. See this here, see how they don’t sag, yeah, her boobs are too perfect. They're too pert.

Chandler: Pert?

Joey: That not a word?

Chandler: I dunno.

Joey: How 'bout perky?

Chandler: Her boobs are definitely perky. They’re defying gravity.

Joey: You know has big boobs?

Chandler: Who?

Joey: Monica.

Chandler: Yeah she does. Hey, that’s my wife!

Joey: Are they real?

Chandler: I’m not having this discussion with you.

Joey: They’re not real are they? She’s a tiny woman. No way a woman that small has boobs that big.

Chandler: They’re real. End of discussion.

Joey: Afraid to ask her?

Chandler: Couldn’t be more petrified.

Opening Credits

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey is present)

Rachel: Where's Joey?

Chandler: He’s having lunch with Courteney. Speaking of lunch, mine is over. I’d better get back to the office. You know the new Vice President has to set a good example. See you children.

(Chandler leaves)

Phoebe: I still think he’s gonna get fired.

Rachel: Well if I don’t return to the office I surely will get fired. (everyone looks at Rachel with a quizzical stare) I’m still on probation. (now they all nod their head in agreement) Call me later honey.

(Rachel leaves)

Ross: Will do.

Phoebe: Don’t you have to work today Ross?

Ross: It’s Spring Break baby!

Monica: Ross you’re a professor, not a student.

Phoebe: He’s the only professor I know who dates his students.

Ross: Dated. Ok, so I dated a student, big deal.

Monica: By the way, what grade did you give Elizabeth?

Ross: That’s privileged information.

Monica: You gave her an “A” didn’t you?

Phoebe: That’s not all he gave her.

RALPH LAUREN (Rachel is busy working. Kim walks into her office)

Rachel: Hey Kim, what can I do for you?

Kim: Pack your things, you’re fired.

Rachel: Excuse me?

Kim: You’re fired. You violated the terms of your probation.

Rachel: What did I do?

Kim: You failed another drug test.

Rachel: That’s impossible, I haven’t done any drugs!

Kim: You heard me, get your things and get out!

(Suddenly Rachel wakes up)

Rachel: Oh my God, it was a dream. Ok, Ok, Ross has got to stop waking me up in the middle of the night.

(Kim enters)

Kim: I see that you’re up now. Did you have a good sleep?

Rachel: I’m so sorry Kim, it will never happen again.

Kim: Don’t worry about it. It will never happen again, you’re fired.

Rachel: Huh

Kim: Just kidding. Listen, I need you to fly to Los Angeles tomorrow to meet with some designers on Friday morning. Is that going to be a problem?

Rachel: No, no problem.

Kim: I got you an extra ticket too. Take Ross and have some fun while you’re there, make a weekend out of it.

Rachel: Thanks. Ross will be thrilled.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler, Phoebe and Ross are hanging out)

Phoebe: I still can’t believe that they promoted you. You don’t do anything.

Chandler: That’s not true. I do lots of things.

Ross: Like what?

Chandler: Well each week I approved everyone’s WENUS reports and I review their ANUS reports at the end of each year.

Phoebe: Sounds dirty. (mimicking Chandler) Excuse me, but can I see your ANUS please.

Ross: Imagine if he accidentally combined the WENUS and the ANUS together.

Phoebe: It would be like the hot dog and the bun.

Chandler: Are you guys finished? You know I also get to approve all office supply orders.

Ross: Wow, you’re one powerful company executive. You get to massage the WENUS and the ANUS to your liking and you get to approve supply purchases. Hell I can’t even get the University to buy me a new stapler.

Phoebe: Maybe you were exceeding your allotted staple ANUS.

(Rachel enters)

Rachel: Hey guess what?

Chandler: Your boobs aren't real?

Rachel: No, these are genuine 100% Grade A breasts.

Ross: I'll attest to that.

Phoebe: Put it back in your pants Ross.

Rachel: Seriously, Ross and I are going to Los Angeles tomorrow!

Ross: Funny, I don’t remember being asked to go anywhere.

Rachel: You’re going.

Ross: I have been asked.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are packing for their trip)

Ross: I don’t see why I have to go. You’re gonna be in meetings all day. What am I suppose to do, watch movies in the hotel room?

Rachel: Are you saying you don’t want to spend time with me?

Ross: No.

Rachel: Then what are you saying?

Ross: Could I go to the meetings with you?

Rachel: No.

Ross: Why not?

Rachel: Because the last time you went to a fashion event with me you embarrassed me by falling asleep.

Ross: That’s because the dude talked about strappy backed dresses for forty-five minutes.

Rachel: And that’s why you’re not coming to the meetings.

CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Rachel and Ross are present. Courteney is there too)

Monica: So Ross and Rachel left for LA already?

Phoebe: Yeah. Maybe they will draw on each other like when they flew to Vegas together.

Chandler: If they do, the engagement will definitely be off. (pause) Or they’ll wind up married again.

Joey: You know what we should do? We should move all of their stuff out of their apartment.

Courteney: Why would you do that?

Joey: As a prank.

Courteney: That’s totally mean.

Chandler: You have obviously not hung out with us enough.

Phoebe: How’d we get into their apartment?

Monica: I’ve got their spare key.

Courteney: But where would you put all their stuff?

Chandler: I knew I hired you for a reason.

Phoebe: We can put it in my storage unit.

Joey: You have a storage unit?

Phoebe: Yeah. I lived in it before I moved in with Monica. It’s huge. We could easily fit all their stuff.

Monica: You told me that you were living with your friend Albino Bob.

Phoebe: No, I lived in a box with Albino Bob. I lived in the storage unit with Crazy Lady.

Chandler: Crazy Lady?

Phoebe: Yeah, she was so crazy she didn’t have a name.

Joey: Ah, Pheebs, why do you still have the unit?

Phoebe: Duh, in case I ever need to move back in. It’s tough getting storage units to rent in this city.

Monica: Ah, Pheebs, you’re living off a million dollar trust fund, I don’t think you’ll be moving back anytime soon.

Phoebe: Yes, but if I didn’t have the unit, we couldn’t pull off this prank now could we?

HILTON HOTEL – LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (Ross and Rachel are entering their room)

Bellboy: Here’s your room, the master suite. Will there be anything else?

Ross: Nope. Thanks. (Ross tips the bellboy and the bellboy leaves)

Rachel: Can you believe this room? It’s got everything.

Ross: I’m definitely in the wrong field. The University puts its professors up in roach motels.

Rachel: Roach motels?

Ross: Motel 6.

Rachel: What do you want to do?

Ross: Did you see that big Jacuzzi tub in the master bath?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Does that give you any ideas?

Rachel: My Doctor Geller, was your initiation to the Mile High Club on the plane not enough for you?

Ross: Or we could play Parcheesi.

Rachel: Jacuzzi it is.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are in bed talking)

Chandler: Funny thing, I was talking to Joey today….

Monica: This ought to be good.

Chandler: What?

Monica: Any time you talk to Joey I get worried.

Chandler: Why?

Monica: Because Joey is Joey and he brings out the smart ass in you.

Chandler: Anyway, I was talking to Joey about breasts….

Monica: As in chicken?

Chandler: No, as in women’s breasts.

Monica: This is about me isn’t it?

Chandler: (uncomfortable) No. No, of course not.

Monica: Chandler?

Chandler: Ok. Ok. Joey said your boobs weren’t real and I said they were. (pause) They’re real aren’t they?

Monica: Well, we’re about to have our first official fight as a married couple. Yes, these are real, not that you’ll be seeing them anytime soon. And congratulations, you’ve won the booby prize, you get to spend the night at Joey’s. Now get out, I’m taking my breasts and going to sleep!

JOEY’S APARTMENT (Chandler knocks on the door. Joey answers it)

Joey: You asked whether they were real or not didn’t you?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: The couch is all yours.

(Courteney emerges from Joey’s bedroom)

Courteney: Joey who is it? (sees Chandler) Oh hey boss man, trouble with the missus?

Chandler: My life story.

ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (The rest of the gang are moving Ross and Rachel’s stuff out of there apartment)

Joey: Geez, Ross has so many friggin books about dinosaurs.

Phoebe: Oh, here’s an interesting book.

Monica: What is it?

Phoebe: The Kama Sutra.

Chandler: Ross and Rachel getting kinky.

Monica: At least someone is getting some.

Joey: (to Chandler) Still pissed at you?

Chandler: Let’s just say that I’ll be sleeping at your place indefinitely.

Phoebe: Do you think they’re gonna be mad at us when they find out what we’ve done?

Monica: Mad? Probably not. I’m sure they’ll find it totally hilarious.

Phoebe: Really?

Monica: Well be lucky if they don’t have us arrested.

Joey: (holding up a strange object) What the hell is this?

Chandler: I dunno.

Phoebe: Maybe it’s some kind of sex toy.

Courteney: I know sex toys and that’s not one.

Chandler: My secretary everybody.

Joey: But my girlfriend.

Monica: That thing is too huge to be a sex toy.

Phoebe: Maybe it’s a dinosaur bone. But then again, it could be Rachel’s toy.

Chandler: If that’s Rachel’s toy, I married the wrong girl. (Monica glares at Chandler) Ah, Joey I think I’m moving back in permanently.

HILTON HOTEL – LOS ANGELES (Rachel is at her meeting and Ross is hanging out by the pool reading Dinosaur Monthly. A beautiful woman approaches Ross)

Woman: Is this seat taken?

Ross: Ah, no.

Woman: Mind if I sit down?

Ross: No, not at all.

Woman: What are you reading?

Ross: Entertainment Weekly.

Woman: Can I see it? I think I’m in it this week.

Ross: Sure. (Hands her the magazine)

Woman: This isn’t Entertainment Weekly, it’s (looks at the cover) Dinosaur Monthly.

Ross: I know. I didn’t want you to think I was a geek.

Woman: I didn’t, though I do now.

Ross: Who are you?

Woman: I’m Jennifer Aniston.

Ross: The one who married Brad Pitt?

Jennifer: That would be me.

Ross: Oh my God, I can’t believe I didn’t recognize you, I’m like your biggest fan.

Jennifer: Sorry, Brad is my biggest fan.

Ross: Right, of course. Then I’m your second biggest fan.

Jennifer: Wrong again, my dad is my second biggest fan.

Ross: Ok, then I’m just a fan. Man, you’re much prettier in person. Brad’s a lucky guy.

Jennifer: Speaking of Brad, here he comes.

Ross: Brad is here?

Jennifer: Brad, I want you to meet, I’m sorry I don’t know your name.

Ross: I’m Ross, Ross Geller.

Brad: Nice to meet you. (seriously) Are you hitting on my wife?

Ross: No, no, I’d never hit on your wife. I’m engaged to a beautiful woman. Actually she kind of looks like Jennifer. What are you guys doing here? Don’t you live in Los Angeles?

Brad: Our place is being fumigated so we’re staying here for the night.

Ross: Oh.

Jennifer: Say, what are you and your fiancée doing tonight?

Ross: Ah, nothing.

Jennifer: So you’ll join us for dinner?

Ross: Dinner?

Brad: Yeah, it’s where you sit down at a table, eat some food, and have a conversation.

Ross: Dinner would be great.

Jennifer: What room are you in?

Ross: We’re in the master suite.

Jennifer: Which one?

Ross: The one with the big Jacuzzi and his and hers shower.

Brad: Yeah, I know, we’re staying in one too.

Ross: Right.

Jennifer: Which number?

Ross: I don’t know.

Jennifer: Fine, we’ll call the front desk to find out. So does seven sound good to you?

Ross: Sounds fine to me, but I’ll have to check with Rachel.

Brad: Don’t wear the pants in your relationship?

Ross: Not really.

Brad: Me neither.

HILTON HOTEL – LOS ANGELES (Rachel and Ross are getting ready for dinner)

Rachel: And this woman just asked us, you and I, if we wanted to have dinner with them?

Ross: I told you honey, its Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. They’re not just anyone, they’re celebrities.

Rachel: And Brad and Jennifer want to have dinner with us?

Ross: What can I say, they liked me.

Rachel: And you were reading Dinosaur Monthly?

Ross: Yeah. So?

Rachel: Ross, only geeks read Dinosaur Monthly.

Ross: So you’re saying I’m a geek? (Rachel looks at Ross) Ok, so I’m a geek. But at least I’m marrying a woman who is prettier than Jennifer Aniston.

Rachel: That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me. (puts her arms around Ross) Let’s forget about dinner, and go straight to dessert.

(knock on the door, Ross answers it. It’s Jennifer and Brad)

Ross: Hey, come on in.

Jennifer: Are you guys ready?

Rachel: Oh my God, it’s Brad Pitt!

Ross: (to Jennifer) She’s a huge fan of his.

Jennifer: Apparently, her jaw is on the floor.

Brad: Hi, you must be Rachel.

Rachel: Uh huh.

Brad: This is my wife Jennifer.

Rachel: (shakes Jennifer’s hand) Uh huh.

Ross: Sweetie you can talk, they don’t bite.

Rachel: Uh huh.

Brad: Shall we go?

Rachel: Uh huh.

Jennifer: (to Ross) Are you sure she’s not an invalid?

Closing Credits

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica has locked the bedroom door. Chandler is trying to get her to open it)

Chandler: Monica, please open the door. I don’t want to sleep at Joey’s. Courteney is there and they make all kinds of noises. All they do is have sex.

Monica: At least somebody is!

Chandler: I’m sorry Monica. I love your breasts the way they are.

Monica: Like your ever gonna see them again.

Chandler: Then I’m never gonna show you Mr. Big again!

Monica: Don’t flatter yourself, I’ve had bigger.

Chandler: What?

(From the bedroom, a low humming, vibrating sound comes through the door)

Chandler: I can’t compete with that.

The End