Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
JOEYS APARTMENT (Joey and Chandler are watching TV)
Chandler: Now see, her boobs are real.
Joey: No way, theyre silicone all the way.
Chandler: How do you know?
Joey: I am an expert. I should have a degree in Boobology. See this here, see how they dont sag, yeah, her boobs are too perfect. They're too pert.
Chandler: Pert?
Joey: That not a word?
Chandler: I dunno.
Joey: How 'bout perky?
Chandler: Her boobs are definitely perky. Theyre defying gravity.
Joey: You know has big boobs?
Chandler: Who?
Joey: Monica.
Chandler: Yeah she does. Hey, thats my wife!
Joey: Are they real?
Chandler: Im not having this discussion with you.
Joey: Theyre not real are they? Shes a tiny woman. No way a woman that small has boobs that big.
Chandler: Theyre real. End of discussion.
Joey: Afraid to ask her?
Chandler: Couldnt be more petrified.
Opening Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Joey is present)
Rachel: Where's Joey?
Chandler: Hes having lunch with Courteney. Speaking of lunch, mine is over. Id better get back to the office. You know the new Vice President has to set a good example. See you children.
(Chandler leaves)
Phoebe: I still think hes gonna get fired.
Rachel: Well if I dont return to the office I surely will get fired. (everyone looks at Rachel with a quizzical stare) Im still on probation. (now they all nod their head in agreement) Call me later honey.
(Rachel leaves)
Ross: Will do.
Phoebe: Dont you have to work today Ross?
Ross: Its Spring Break baby!
Monica: Ross youre a professor, not a student.
Phoebe: Hes the only professor I know who dates his students.
Ross: Dated. Ok, so I dated a student, big deal.
Monica: By the way, what grade did you give Elizabeth?
Ross: Thats privileged information.
Monica: You gave her an A didnt you?
Phoebe: Thats not all he gave her.
RALPH LAUREN (Rachel is busy working. Kim walks into her office)
Rachel: Hey Kim, what can I do for you?
Kim: Pack your things, youre fired.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Kim: Youre fired. You violated the terms of your probation.
Rachel: What did I do?
Kim: You failed another drug test.
Rachel: Thats impossible, I havent done any drugs!
Kim: You heard me, get your things and get out!
(Suddenly Rachel wakes up)
Rachel: Oh my God, it was a dream. Ok, Ok, Ross has got to stop waking me up in the middle of the night.
(Kim enters)
Kim: I see that youre up now. Did you have a good sleep?
Rachel: Im so sorry Kim, it will never happen again.
Kim: Dont worry about it. It will never happen again, youre fired.
Rachel: Huh
Kim: Just kidding. Listen, I need you to fly to Los Angeles tomorrow to meet with some designers on Friday morning. Is that going to be a problem?
Rachel: No, no problem.
Kim: I got you an extra ticket too. Take Ross and have some fun while youre there, make a weekend out of it.
Rachel: Thanks. Ross will be thrilled.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Chandler, Phoebe and Ross are hanging out)
Phoebe: I still cant believe that they promoted you. You dont do anything.
Chandler: Thats not true. I do lots of things.
Ross: Like what?
Chandler: Well each week I approved everyones WENUS reports and I review their ANUS reports at the end of each year.
Phoebe: Sounds dirty. (mimicking Chandler) Excuse me, but can I see your ANUS please.
Ross: Imagine if he accidentally combined the WENUS and the ANUS together.
Phoebe: It would be like the hot dog and the bun.
Chandler: Are you guys finished? You know I also get to approve all office supply orders.
Ross: Wow, youre one powerful company executive. You get to massage the WENUS and the ANUS to your liking and you get to approve supply purchases. Hell I cant even get the University to buy me a new stapler.
Phoebe: Maybe you were exceeding your allotted staple ANUS.
(Rachel enters)
Rachel: Hey guess what?
Chandler: Your boobs aren't real?
Rachel: No, these are genuine 100% Grade A breasts.
Ross: I'll attest to that.
Phoebe: Put it back in your pants Ross.
Rachel: Seriously, Ross and I are going to Los Angeles tomorrow!
Ross: Funny, I dont remember being asked to go anywhere.
Rachel: Youre going.
Ross: I have been asked.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are packing for their trip)
Ross: I dont see why I have to go. Youre gonna be in meetings all day. What am I suppose to do, watch movies in the hotel room?
Rachel: Are you saying you dont want to spend time with me?
Ross: No.
Rachel: Then what are you saying?
Ross: Could I go to the meetings with you?
Rachel: No.
Ross: Why not?
Rachel: Because the last time you went to a fashion event with me you embarrassed me by falling asleep.
Ross: Thats because the dude talked about strappy backed dresses for forty-five minutes.
Rachel: And thats why youre not coming to the meetings.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Rachel and Ross are present. Courteney is there too)
Monica: So Ross and Rachel left for LA already?
Phoebe: Yeah. Maybe they will draw on each other like when they flew to Vegas together.
Chandler: If they do, the engagement will definitely be off. (pause) Or theyll wind up married again.
Joey: You know what we should do? We should move all of their stuff out of their apartment.
Courteney: Why would you do that?
Joey: As a prank.
Courteney: Thats totally mean.
Chandler: You have obviously not hung out with us enough.
Phoebe: Howd we get into their apartment?
Monica: Ive got their spare key.
Courteney: But where would you put all their stuff?
Chandler: I knew I hired you for a reason.
Phoebe: We can put it in my storage unit.
Joey: You have a storage unit?
Phoebe: Yeah. I lived in it before I moved in with Monica. Its huge. We could easily fit all their stuff.
Monica: You told me that you were living with your friend Albino Bob.
Phoebe: No, I lived in a box with Albino Bob. I lived in the storage unit with Crazy Lady.
Chandler: Crazy Lady?
Phoebe: Yeah, she was so crazy she didnt have a name.
Joey: Ah, Pheebs, why do you still have the unit?
Phoebe: Duh, in case I ever need to move back in. Its tough getting storage units to rent in this city.
Monica: Ah, Pheebs, youre living off a million dollar trust fund, I dont think youll be moving back anytime soon.
Phoebe: Yes, but if I didnt have the unit, we couldnt pull off this prank now could we?
HILTON HOTEL LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (Ross and Rachel are entering their room)
Bellboy: Heres your room, the master suite. Will there be anything else?
Ross: Nope. Thanks. (Ross tips the bellboy and the bellboy leaves)
Rachel: Can you believe this room? Its got everything.
Ross: Im definitely in the wrong field. The University puts its professors up in roach motels.
Rachel: Roach motels?
Ross: Motel 6.
Rachel: What do you want to do?
Ross: Did you see that big Jacuzzi tub in the master bath?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Does that give you any ideas?
Rachel: My Doctor Geller, was your initiation to the Mile High Club on the plane not enough for you?
Ross: Or we could play Parcheesi.
Rachel: Jacuzzi it is.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are in bed talking)
Chandler: Funny thing, I was talking to Joey today .
Monica: This ought to be good.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Any time you talk to Joey I get worried.
Chandler: Why?
Monica: Because Joey is Joey and he brings out the smart ass in you.
Chandler: Anyway, I was talking to Joey about breasts .
Monica: As in chicken?
Chandler: No, as in womens breasts.
Monica: This is about me isnt it?
Chandler: (uncomfortable) No. No, of course not.
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: Ok. Ok. Joey said your boobs werent real and I said they were. (pause) Theyre real arent they?
Monica: Well, were about to have our first official fight as a married couple. Yes, these are real, not that youll be seeing them anytime soon. And congratulations, youve won the booby prize, you get to spend the night at Joeys. Now get out, Im taking my breasts and going to sleep!
JOEYS APARTMENT (Chandler knocks on the door. Joey answers it)
Joey: You asked whether they were real or not didnt you?
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: The couch is all yours.
(Courteney emerges from Joeys bedroom)
Courteney: Joey who is it? (sees Chandler) Oh hey boss man, trouble with the missus?
Chandler: My life story.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (The rest of the gang are moving Ross and Rachels stuff out of there apartment)
Joey: Geez, Ross has so many friggin books about dinosaurs.
Phoebe: Oh, heres an interesting book.
Monica: What is it?
Phoebe: The Kama Sutra.
Chandler: Ross and Rachel getting kinky.
Monica: At least someone is getting some.
Joey: (to Chandler) Still pissed at you?
Chandler: Lets just say that Ill be sleeping at your place indefinitely.
Phoebe: Do you think theyre gonna be mad at us when they find out what weve done?
Monica: Mad? Probably not. Im sure theyll find it totally hilarious.
Phoebe: Really?
Monica: Well be lucky if they dont have us arrested.
Joey: (holding up a strange object) What the hell is this?
Chandler: I dunno.
Phoebe: Maybe its some kind of sex toy.
Courteney: I know sex toys and thats not one.
Chandler: My secretary everybody.
Joey: But my girlfriend.
Monica: That thing is too huge to be a sex toy.
Phoebe: Maybe its a dinosaur bone. But then again, it could be Rachels toy.
Chandler: If thats Rachels toy, I married the wrong girl. (Monica glares at Chandler) Ah, Joey I think Im moving back in permanently.
HILTON HOTEL LOS ANGELES (Rachel is at her meeting and Ross is hanging out by the pool reading Dinosaur Monthly. A beautiful woman approaches Ross)
Woman: Is this seat taken?
Ross: Ah, no.
Woman: Mind if I sit down?
Ross: No, not at all.
Woman: What are you reading?
Ross: Entertainment Weekly.
Woman: Can I see it? I think Im in it this week.
Ross: Sure. (Hands her the magazine)
Woman: This isnt Entertainment Weekly, its (looks at the cover) Dinosaur Monthly.
Ross: I know. I didnt want you to think I was a geek.
Woman: I didnt, though I do now.
Ross: Who are you?
Woman: Im Jennifer Aniston.
Ross: The one who married Brad Pitt?
Jennifer: That would be me.
Ross: Oh my God, I cant believe I didnt recognize you, Im like your biggest fan.
Jennifer: Sorry, Brad is my biggest fan.
Ross: Right, of course. Then Im your second biggest fan.
Jennifer: Wrong again, my dad is my second biggest fan.
Ross: Ok, then Im just a fan. Man, youre much prettier in person. Brads a lucky guy.
Jennifer: Speaking of Brad, here he comes.
Ross: Brad is here?
Jennifer: Brad, I want you to meet, Im sorry I dont know your name.
Ross: Im Ross, Ross Geller.
Brad: Nice to meet you. (seriously) Are you hitting on my wife?
Ross: No, no, Id never hit on your wife. Im engaged to a beautiful woman. Actually she kind of looks like Jennifer. What are you guys doing here? Dont you live in Los Angeles?
Brad: Our place is being fumigated so were staying here for the night.
Ross: Oh.
Jennifer: Say, what are you and your fiancée doing tonight?
Ross: Ah, nothing.
Jennifer: So youll join us for dinner?
Ross: Dinner?
Brad: Yeah, its where you sit down at a table, eat some food, and have a conversation.
Ross: Dinner would be great.
Jennifer: What room are you in?
Ross: Were in the master suite.
Jennifer: Which one?
Ross: The one with the big Jacuzzi and his and hers shower.
Brad: Yeah, I know, were staying in one too.
Ross: Right.
Jennifer: Which number?
Ross: I dont know.
Jennifer: Fine, well call the front desk to find out. So does seven sound good to you?
Ross: Sounds fine to me, but Ill have to check with Rachel.
Brad: Dont wear the pants in your relationship?
Ross: Not really.
Brad: Me neither.
HILTON HOTEL LOS ANGELES (Rachel and Ross are getting ready for dinner)
Rachel: And this woman just asked us, you and I, if we wanted to have dinner with them?
Ross: I told you honey, its Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. Theyre not just anyone, theyre celebrities.
Rachel: And Brad and Jennifer want to have dinner with us?
Ross: What can I say, they liked me.
Rachel: And you were reading Dinosaur Monthly?
Ross: Yeah. So?
Rachel: Ross, only geeks read Dinosaur Monthly.
Ross: So youre saying Im a geek? (Rachel looks at Ross) Ok, so Im a geek. But at least Im marrying a woman who is prettier than Jennifer Aniston.
Rachel: Thats the sweetest thing youve ever said to me. (puts her arms around Ross) Lets forget about dinner, and go straight to dessert.
(knock on the door, Ross answers it. Its Jennifer and Brad)
Ross: Hey, come on in.
Jennifer: Are you guys ready?
Rachel: Oh my God, its Brad Pitt!
Ross: (to Jennifer) Shes a huge fan of his.
Jennifer: Apparently, her jaw is on the floor.
Brad: Hi, you must be Rachel.
Rachel: Uh huh.
Brad: This is my wife Jennifer.
Rachel: (shakes Jennifers hand) Uh huh.
Ross: Sweetie you can talk, they dont bite.
Rachel: Uh huh.
Brad: Shall we go?
Rachel: Uh huh.
Jennifer: (to Ross) Are you sure shes not an invalid?
Closing Credits
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Monica has locked the bedroom door. Chandler is trying to get her to open it)
Chandler: Monica, please open the door. I dont want to sleep at Joeys. Courteney is there and they make all kinds of noises. All they do is have sex.
Monica: At least somebody is!
Chandler: Im sorry Monica. I love your breasts the way they are.
Monica: Like your ever gonna see them again.
Chandler: Then Im never gonna show you Mr. Big again!
Monica: Dont flatter yourself, Ive had bigger.
Chandler: What?
(From the bedroom, a low humming, vibrating sound comes through the door)
Chandler: I cant compete with that.
The End