An Orginal Fanfic by: Gene Carver
Chandler was jerked out of a sound sleep as the phone rang. His head shot up and he smashed his forehead into the bookshelf on the headboard of the new bed that he had acquired after Joey's insistence that 'it would be so cool.' He glared up at the offending piece of wood. "Another idea that sounds wonderful in theory and bad in practice. You, my friend, are for the fireplace as soon as I can find a hammer." He scuttled out from under his assailant and picked up the phone. "Hello."
"Oh, hi, Phoebes. What's up?"
"Did you and the others forget you were going to come to my concert in the Park?"
"Why no. I'm just getting dressed." He reached over to the drawer and fished out a pair of socks.
"Chandler. It's starting in three minutes."
"I'm on my way, Phoebes. I wonder why Monica didn't come down here banging on my door before this?"
There was a moment of silence over the phone. "I forgot to tell her. I've had a lot on my mind lately."
Chandler cradled the phone against his ear as he pulled a sock on. "Yeah? What's so big it could make you forget about your children's concert that you've been planning for months?"
"I guess being pregnant does that for you."
"What??!!" Chandler fell to the floor with a resounding crash, sending the phone flying. He scuttled across the floor and ended up chasing it under the bed. There he ended up fighting the dust bunnies for possession before he got it back. "Phoebe, what did you say?" He yelled into the phone, not noticing that his ear now wore a halo of dust bunnies.
"Chandler, I've got to go. They're calling for me. I'll talk to you later."
"Phoebe, have you told Monica or anyone else?"
There was a moment of silence. "No. Look, I've got to go. I'll explain after the concert."
"Phoebe, who's the father?"
"I don't know. Bye, Chandler."
"Phoebe!! Wait!!" He yelled. Only a dial tone answered him. He stared at the phone. "Thanks, Phoebes. Mone is going to love hearing this from me."
Later Chandler turned to Joey as they followed a rapidly striding Monica down the path in Central Park on their way to meet Phoebe near the Bandstand where she was giving her concert. "I still can't believe that Phoebe's pregnant." Up ahead of them Monica's stride was lengthening. She was muttering to herself and her voice was rising.
Joey shook his head. "I can't believe it either. Are you sure you heard right?"
"Yup. She said she was pregnant. No doubt about that."
Abruptly Monica shouted. "Dammit!! I'm the one who wants to be a wife and mother. Why Phoebe and not me?" She suddenly realized that Chandler and Joey had stopped and were staring at her. "Oh, sorry. Did I say that out loud?"
"Only loud enough to wake up Mao in China." Chandler said. "And he's dead."
Monica grimaced. "I'm just so damned upset. Why didn't she tell me?"
"I don't know, but what a way to make the announcement." He made a motion as if he had a phone in his hand. "Oh, hi guys. Want to come and hear my concert this noon? Great. Oh by the way. I'm pregnant." He shook his head. "What's even more Twilight-Zone-ish is that she says she doesn't know who the father is."
"There's nothing weird about that." Joey said. "She probably has two guys to choose from or maybe more. You know Phoebes. She's just like me. She'll figure it out."
"I don't think so." Said Monica. "As far as I know she hasn't been seeing anyone for at least six months. She can't be that pregnant."
"Yeah," said Chandler. "The last guy I knew she was serious about was the one who was giving free previews of his wanger at the Perk and believe me nothing cools off a relationship like a wanger exhibition that's open to the public."
Monica grumbled. "Well, even if we don't know of anyone, there must've been someone. There's got to be a man involved."
Chandler grinned. "Oh, yeah? There are other ways."
Monica frowned. "You mean like artificial insemination?"
"Well, there's that too. Personally I favor the stork hypothesis."
"My mother always told me she found my sisters under cabbage leaves." Joey chimed in.
"Oh, right. Where are you going to find a cabbage leaf big enough to hide an infant under?"
"Yeah, mister know it all, how's a little stork going to carry a twenty pound kid?"
Monica blanched. "Twenty pounds?"
"My family runs to big babies."
"It was all the fat between his ears. It's still there." Chandler grinned as Joey reached up to touch his head and then wagged his finger threateningly at him. "Besides I suggest when we get home we take a vote. I'm sure that the chick and duck will vote for the stork over any idea proposed by a bird brain."
"Will you two knock it off!!" Monica yelled.
A little gray-haired lady turned to her. "Young woman, you've been shouting ever since you got here. Will you please try and behave like your friends. There are some of us who would like to hear the minister."
Monica blushed. "Sorry." She looked around and saw that they were passing through an area where a sidewalk preacher was holding sway. He was pounding his bible in his fist as he orated. He was dressed in a blue knit shirt that looked like it had seen better days as it had lost several buttons and his pants showed several holes around the knees. His hair was wild and it looked like he hadn't shaved recently either. Unfortunately the commotion had drawn everyone's attention to her.
The preacher shook his finger at her. "Beware, painted harlot. Remember what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah."
Monica flushed angrily. She didn't use that much makeup. Before she could reply Chandler came to her rescue as he addressed the preacher. "Ah yes. Sodom and Gomorrah, the fun cities. Are you selling tickets or complaining about losing your luggage there?"
"You will go to Hell for your evil ways."
"And of course you're going to Heaven?"
"All those who see the light as I do will be saved."
Chandler set his hands on his hips. "Yeah? Well, I think I'm going to like Hell a lot better since it won't have anyone like you in it." He grabbed Monica's arm and hustled her out of earshot as the preacher exploded.
"Thanks." Monica squose his arm.
"Forget it. Guys like that are one of the reasons why I haven't found religion yet."
A few minutes later they arrived at the bandshell but they saw that they couldn't get anywhere near Phoebe because hundreds of children surrounded her. They were forced to sit in the back. As they took their seats they could see that Phoebe was sitting on the edge of the stage and strumming her guitar as she sang. All the children were listening intensely and smiling as Phoebe sang:
With love and kindness in your heart, You can warm the coldest day.
With love in everything that you say the earth will be a wonderful part of life as you go on your way.
No one loves a bully. No one loves a fibber. No one loves a thief. Why be one of these? Why be one of these?
A bully holds power. A fibber may hide. A thief may be rich.
But they never have love. So don't be one of these.
She rebegan the first stanza and Chandler grimaced.
Monica looked askance at him. "What?"
"I'm getting a cavity." He yipped as Monica elbowed him in the ribs.
Phoebe finished up her song to excited clapping from the children. "Smelly Cat." One shouted. "Give us Smelly Cat." Others took up the chorus and Phoebe graciously obliged. When she finished she thanked them but reminded them it was time for them to leave with their parents. Several of the children clutched at her hand and others patted her guitar as she hurried through the crowd to her friends.
"Rough crowd?" Chandler asked.
Phoebe grinned. "Just the best."
Monica took her hand. "We've got to talk."
Phoebe nodded and squoze her hand back. They turned to go and almost ran into the preacher. He was staring at Phoebe as if he'd seen a ghost. He clutched his bible tightly in a trembling hand. Abruptly he dropped to his ragged knees and cried out. "She is the one."
Chandler interposed himself between the lunatic and the two girls. "The one what, Mister Mirth?"
The preacher threw back his hands and cried out in a voice that had the strength of trumpets. "The one who has been foretold to me. The one who carries the child who heralds the millennium."
Chandler shook his head. "No more fasting for you. Also, you've definitely got to cut done on watching the Fox Network. I suggest a good dose of PBS with Barney or Cookie Monster." He grabbed Phoebe's elbow and hurried her around the crazy man.
"What do you mean there's no father?" Monica looked like she was about to have a baby herself right in the middle of the living room floor.
"Gee, Mone. What's so hard to understand about that?"
Joey looked up from chewing on one of Monica's cookies. "Maybe it's one of them test-tube kids."
"Test-tube babies still have fathers even if they come from a petrie dish." Chandler said. "And that also let's out being a surrogate mother. You still need the little fellows with the tails. Unless..." He looked at her intently. "It's not your clone like that sheep Dolly? That's it. You're cloning around."
"Chandler." Monica gave him a dark look.
Phoebe grinned. "I like clowns. Some of my best dates were clowns. It's just all the grease paint they wear. Don't ever try and kiss one. Yucko."
Monica took Phoebe's hand. "Please, Phoebes. Be serious. How did you get pregnant?"
Phoebe looked worried. "I don't know. One night I wasn't and the next I was."
Chandler smiled. "That must have been one wild party."
"But I haven't been to any parties like that. I have no idea how I got this way. One morning I woke up sick and every morning after that it got worse. So I took one of those pregnancy tests and, viola, I'm going to be a mother."
Monica took her friend's hand. "Did you go to a doctor to confirm it? Sometimes those tests aren't too reliable."
"Gee, Mone, I'm not stupid."
"Definitely weird." Chandler quipped. "But, no, not stupid."
The door to the apartment opened and Rachel came in. She dropped her coat and gloves by the door and flung herself down on the sofa.
"What's wrong?" Asked Joey.
"What didn't go wrong would be a better way to put it. None of the orders I put in for came on time, I was in meetings all day that accomplished nothing and on top of all this the stockroom boy with the zits tried to hit me up for a date. I dare anyone to have had a day to top that."
"Phoebe's pregnant." Joey said.
Rachel grinned softly. "Stop trying to make me feel better."
"No. I'm serious. Phoebe's pregnant."
Rachel looked up at Phoebe and Monica who both nodded. She came scrambling out of her chair. "Phoebe, I'm so happy for you." She hugged her and then noticed that Phoebe was not smiling. "What's wrong? You don't want the baby or the father doesn't want it?"
"She doesn't know who the father is." Monica said.
Chandler smiled. "Maybe that preacher in the park had it right. Another virgin birth."
Everyone looked at him. He shrugged. "Well, it happened once already. Why not twice?"
Phoebe put her hand to her mouth. "Oh, Monica, I'm not ready for
godhood. All those candles, those pictures with the silly smiles and I could never keep a halo above my head."
Monica gripped Phoebe's hand tighter. "It's not anything like that. We'll find out who the father is. He's probably someone we all know."
Ross came through the door. "Hi, gang. What's up? Uh, why are you all staring at me?"
"No way are you pinning this on me." Ross backed away rapidly throwing his hands up like a barrier between himself and the others.
"Calm down, Ross. No one's accusing you." Monica said.
"Yet." Sneered Rachel.
Ross gave Rachel a hurt and angry look. "Some people's opinions to the contrary, I don't sleep around all the time and I especially wouldn't do it with Phoebes."
"Oh, she's not good enough for you?" Rachel snapped. Phoebe got a hurt look in her eyes.
"Give it a rest!" Ross snapped back before turning to Phoebe. "Phoebe, I don't mean you aren't a wonderful person. It's just that you're my friend and I don't sleep with my friends."
Rachel snorted. "Hah!!"
Ross glared back. "It's something that someone here taught me."
Chandler grinned. "I for one am glad to hear you say that, speaking as a friend."
"Watch out, Chandler." Rachel growled. "You might not be as safe as you think."
Ross turned, his face went from white to a deep red and his clenched fists were trembling at his sides. "What do you mean by that, you little .....?"
Chandler interrupted him before he could complete his sentence and send Rachel through the roof. "All right. I don't know about the rest of you but I've had quite enough of the Hatfields and the McCoys for one night." The others murmured or nodded in agreement.
"Yeah." Joey said. "It's Phoebe who's got the problem and not you two."
"That's right." Chandler continued. "And if you can't be here as Phoebe's friends, then the door is behind you."
Ross looked at Chandler in shock and then at Monica and Phoebes, taking in their looks. His fists unclenched and he raised his open hands toward Phoebe. "I'm sorry, Phoebes. I was way out of line." He went and sat down beside Joey who punched him in the arm.
Rachel got to her feet, still vibrating with anger but when she looked at Phoebe, the anger went out of her like someone had let the air out of a tire. She went to Phoebe and took her hands. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. "Phoebe, I'm so sorry. Sometimes, I'm just so selfish."
Phoebe hugged her. "It's all right, Rach. I understand." Rachel hugged her back before she too sat down but as far from Ross as she could.
Monica turned back to Phoebe. "When did the doctor think you got pregnant? That might give us a clue as to what happened."
"Two months ago. But, Mone, I wasn't sleeping with anyone."
Rachel looked up under hooded eyes. "Maybe you got smashed and just don't remember."
"That's not possible. I can't drink more than three glasses of wine before I puke and I don't do drugs. I don't even smoke."
Chandler looked up in surprise. "What do you do for fun?"
"Hang out with you guys. There's more ways to have fun than booze or drugs."
"Obviously you use the third way." He elbowed Joey in the side and got an answering grin.
Phoebe drew back. "Is that what you think? That just because I'm going out with a guy that I'm always sleeping with him?"
Joey looked puzzled. "Isn't that the way it works?"
"Sure. Right. If you want to catch AIDS or something else it is."
"But." Said Monica. "You always gave us the impression you were sleeping with them."
"Because you guys were all bragging about what you were doing. I didn't want to be left out. Gee. Maybe you were all just putting on a front like me."
"Uh, yeah. Sure." Joey looked down at the floor.
Ross and Rachel looked away from her and their eyes crossed momentarily. A look of pain came into Ross' eyes and for a moment something flickered deep in Rachel's.
Chandler sighed. "Are you trying to tell us you're still a virgin?"
Phoebe shook her head. "I did it once. With the man I thought I was going to marry. That was five years ago and I haven't done it since."
Joey looked at Chandler. "Hey, Chan, that's almost as long as you've gone."
Chandler snapped. "This coming from someone who acts like the tornado that picked Dorothy up after one day without."
Joey sighed. "A week and I feel all rusted up like the tin man."
The doorbell rang. Chandler got up and opened it. "Well, well. If it isn't the Wicked Witch of the West here to see you, Joey." He turned to reveal Phoebe's sister Ursula.
"Is my sister here?" Ursula asked as she looked right through Joey.
Phoebe came forward to hug her. "Ursula, I haven't seen you in weeks."
Ursula tolerated the hug and then held Phoebe at arms length. "We've got to talk."
Phoebe frowned. "Right now?"
"Yes and in private." She took Phoebe by the arm and led her into Monica's bedroom.
"Just go ahead and make yourself right at home." Chandler said as the door shut behind them. "Brrr. That is one cold fish."
Ross shook his head. "It's hard to believe that they're twin sisters. They act so different."
"Actually," said Joey. "She can be a lot of fun." Everyone stared at him. He added. "If you like short flings."
"Yeah," Chandler said. "I think she flung you about twenty feet the last time.
"I wonder what they're talking about?" Rachel said.
Ursula handed Phoebe a large manila envelope. "Here."
"The results from the lab." Ursula sat down and ran her fingers through her blond hair with a weary sigh.
Phoebe frowned. "You didn't believe that woman was our biological mother and so you had us all give tissue samples for genetic analysis. From the way you're acting, I was right. She is our mother."
Ursula glared at her. "Yes, damn it. She's our mother and that sappy jerk is our brother. Damn. I'd hoped for so much more."
Phoebe smiled. "I'm going to call her tonight and tell her about me. With her being a mother and all like I'm going to be, we can have some real good sessions."
"What are you talking about?"
"Gee, it may not be such good news but, Ursula, I'm pregnant and I don't know how I got that way."
"How far along are you?"
"About two months. It would have been right about the time we went to the lab....." Her voice trailed off as her sister began cursing.
"It can't be. Those crazy sons of a bitch couldn't've messed it up that much." She stared at Phoebe as if willing the words not to be true."
"What do you mean? Ursula, what have you done this time?"
"Phoebe, that baby is supposed to be mine." Ursula rubbed her hands together like a demented woman. "Do you remember when we went in for those lab tests and we had to be sedated?"
Phoebe nodded. "Needles freak us out. Another reason we never got into the drug scene."
Ursula took Phoebe's hands. "I also went in there for another procedure. I went in there to be impregnated by a pre-fertilized egg of mine. That damn hospital must've got us mixed up since we're identical twins."
"Whose baby is it?"
"You're not going to like this."
"Ursula, whose is it?"
Ursula told her.
A few minutes later Phoebe and Ursula came out of the bedroom. Phoebe explained what had happened and when she finished Monica asked. "Do you know who the father is?" Phoebe nodded.
"Is it anyone we know?" Asked Ross.
"You all know him." Ursula said. "In fact he's right here in this room."
"I knew it." Rachel declared.
Ross blanched. "But I haven't..."
"No, Ross, it's not you." Phoebe said. "Ursula wanted to have this man's baby but she didn't want to marry him and when she found he had made a deposit at a sperm bank in exchange for cash she arranged to have his sperm used to fertilize her egg."
Chandler said. "I do all my banking at home. This must mean it was someone who's always in need of money. Someone who can never pay his rent on time." He turned and everyone stared at Joey who pointed his finger at his chest as he opened his mouth partly in question and partly in horrified realization.
"Congratulations, Joey." Snarled Ursula. "You're a daddy. And, dammit, my sister is going to be the mother of my baby."
Go to Part II, The Coming