The One with the Mother and Child, Part 2

Written by Susan Daneem
Converted to HTML by Austin Hedeman


This is Part 2 of Susan Daneem's "The One With the Mother and Child" To find out more about this episode, see the introduction to Part 1.
[Scene: Monica & Rachel's Apartment. Morning. Monica is eating a bagel while looking out the window. Rachel comes out of her bedroom in her sweats. Monica's still looking out the window and her face takes on a disgusted look. She turns away , walks to the kitchen and drops the rest of the bagel in the garbage.]

RACHEL: Whats up?

MONICA: Ugly Naked Guy is doing toe touches....

RACHEL: Eeeuuuww....[sits down and starts to pick absently at a bagel]

MONICA: Yeah..I think I just lost my appetite...Whats up with you?

RACHEL: Ohhhh...I don't know..I just have a feeling something's up with Ross...


RACHEL: Well...last night...when Ross came back and we were..y'know..and I was..

MONICA: WAIT! Wait, wait! This isn't going to have any graphic descriptions of...y'know... Older brother..hanky panky is it? Cause y'know the image of my parents is forever burnt into my brain..I really don't want Ross in there too....

RACHEL: Well, anyway..he seemed very uncomfortable...[stops looks at Monica, obviously wanting to continue]

MONICA: ....I can't believe I'm about to ask this. [sighs] Why? What were you doing?

[Rachel is about to tell her when Joey comes in]

JOEY: Oooh Bagels! [takes one and starts eating it, looking at them innocently. Rachel and Monica look at him and then at each other. Rachel leans over and whispers it in her ear, Monica's face takes on a mortified look.]

RACHEL: ...and then all I said was "Come to Mama!" and he nearly fell out of the bed! .....So ...what d'ya think?

MONICA: I think...I just lost my appetite for the rest of my life.....[hands the plate of bagels to Joey, who grins happily]

OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Exterior of a building. Chandler is pacing, trying to work up the guts to go up the steps. He goes up 1 then comes down, takes a run halfway up then comes down, finally takes a deep breath bounds up the steps and is about to open the door when Janice emerges with the baby in a wheeler.]

JANICE: [surprised and disturbed] Chandler! What are you doing here!?!

CHANDLER: ..Hey..Janice..I need to talk to y-...

JANICE: [hurriedly] I can't talk right now Chandler I have to go....

[starts to lift the wheeler and baby down the steps, Chandler helps her]

CHANDLER: Janice I really think we need to talk!

JANICE: [looking over her shoulder as if afraid someone will come out] I can't Chandler! [cab pulls up, she picks up the baby, hands it to Chandler.

Who finds himself staring into it's face]

CHANDLER: [stunned, then breaks into a smile] Hey little you know who I am? Do ya?....d'ya..d'ya?!

[Janice has packed all the gear into the cab and takes the baby back, and clambers in. Chandler leans down]

JANICE: I'm sorry Chandler, I have to go...I just can't talk to you right now! [cab starts to move]

CHANDLER: Janice! Janice we have to talk, we have to talk about this....[cab drives off]

[Chandler stands in the middle of the street, staring after it. The door to the apartment house opens again and Janice's husband emerges, he's a cop and is holstering his gun as he comes out. He stops and eyes Chandler suspiciously. Chandler sees him and the gun...smiles nervously and slowly sidles off.]

[Scene: The hallway outside Mrs Green's room. Ross is standing outside the door practicing his speech]

ROSS: Hey too personal..need some distance....Hey Mrs. Greene!

About last night! When you...tried to play tonsil tennis with me?...tongued your daughter's boyfriend?...Arggh!!... O.K...O.K relax, Ross...we're both adults..she's a little more adult...but still, we can talk this was probably just some kind of misunderstanding...she just had one too many highballs!

[The door opens, revealing Mrs Green in a black negligee. She beams at Ross and throws herself into his arms]

SANDRA: Ross! What a wonderful surprise! [Ross has reverted back to his tongue tied, bolt upright, wide eyed position] Come in! [leads him in and closes the door]

[Scene: Monica & Rachel's Apartment. Rachel is getting ready to go out.

Picks up her bag and heads towards the door]

RACHEL: Bye Mon! I'm off to work!

MONICA: [from her room] O.K! See ya! [closes the bedroom door]

[Rachel goes out the door, but catches her hand on the latch]

RACHEL: Ow! Ow! Ow! Damn... [its bleeding so she turns around and goes into the bathroom, closing over the door. Phoebe enters]

PHOEBE: [calls out] Monica?...Rachel?

MONICA: [coming out of her room] Hey Phoebs, Rachel's just gone out....

PHOEBE: Oh! Good! [Rachel overhears this in the bathroom and frowns, moving closer to the door] ....Ooooh, you are not going to believe what happened yesterday!!!!!

MONICA: What?!What?!What?! [Phoebe sits down at the kitchen table]

PHOEBE: Well...first, y'know Chandler & Janice?

MONICA: Yesss Phoebs...I am familiar with their work.

PHOEBE: O.K! Well, y'know Janice was...[makes a pregnant tummy with her hands]...

MONICA: [getting eager] Yes! Yes?

PHOEBE: Well we ran into mother and child yesterday...and...well lets' just say he won't be working for Ebony magazine any time soon...

MONICA: [frowns, not getting it...Rachel does the same in the bathroom...]


PHOEBE: So!....Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Thats right, you weren't there...Janice's Son of Africa!

MONICA: And the baby?

PHOEBE: Is most definitely a native of Bingland!

[Monica & Rachel's jaws drop]

MONICA: Oh my God! Oh my God! Really? My God! Chandler a Father!.....

PHOEBE: Yeah....he's gone to talk to her.

MONICA: Oh my God!!! [Rachel goes to come out]

PHOEBE: But that's not all! There's more! [Rachel stops]

MONICA: What more? What more?

PHOEBE: Yeah...only this one's about Ross! [Rachel gets real interested]

MONICA: WHAT?! Tell me! Tell me!...don't tell me Julie is...[Rachel widens her eyes in horror]

PHOEBE: NO! Noo! No,no,no,no...[Rachel is relieved] ...It's worse...[Rachel swallows].

MONICA: [Grabbing Phoebe by the shoulders and shaking her] Phoeeeebe! Tell Meeeeeeee!

PHOEBE: O.K! O.K! O.K!...I hate the way you get all twirly like that, it makes me forget what I was talking about.....Ermmmm.....


PHOEBE: Oh Yeah! Rachel's Mom hit on Ross last night!

[Monica gasps & there's a thud from the bathroom, and Monica & Phoebe jump out of their seats.

[Scene: Sandra's hotel room]

SANDRA: [from the bathroom] Take a seat Ross, I'll be out shortly.

[Ross sits on the bed, looks around for a second then realises he's sitting on the bed in his girlfriend's mothers room and leaps off settling on a hard chair instead]

ROSS: Mrs. Green?

SANDRA: What happened to Sandra?

ROSS: Well San..Mrs. Green, I really think we uh...need to have a uh....serious talk!

[She comes out of the bathroom, dressed in Donna Karan suit, much to Ross's relief. Her face is serious and all the lightheartedness gone.]

SANDRA: This is about last night isn't it?...What a stupid question...of course it's about last night! What else could it be about?!?! [goes to the window and stares out. Ross stands up] You know Ross, I think I drank more last night than I've drunk in the last 6 months put together....

ROSS: [relievedly] ...Yeah! I guess you did have a few too many! [Sandra gives him a look] Not that it showed or anything!!!!.....anyway I guess it was just the highballs and the champagne and stuff...we'll just forg...

SANDRA: Let me finish Ross...

ROSS: [sits down again] Sorry.

SANDRA: I know I had too much to drink last night and that, that, may account for how I behaved outside the door last night...but...

ROSS: [stands up again, hurriedly] But? b-b-buts...uh-uh...It had to be that!....Ummm I'll just go now.. and we need think no more about it...don't have to mention it to Rachel or anyone! [goes to the door]

SANDRA: Ross. [he stops. not looking at her] I've given it a great deal of thought and...and ..and..I realise that I've got feelings for you...

ROSS: Ffff..fff.ffff.ffff...[takes a deep breath]..fffeelings?

SANDRA: ....I think I may have fallen in love with you.

[Ross looks like he's going to faint]

ROSS: I'd really like to go now...only I can't seem to remember how to move my feet...

[Scene: Monica & Rachel'a apartment. Phoebe and Monica are seated either side of Rachel dosing her with hot -sweet tea]

MONICA: Here drink this, Phoebe made it special. [puts the tea cup to her mouth, Rachel swallows some, then nearly chokes]

RACHEL: Oh my God! Phoebs! How much sugar did you put in that!!

PHOEBE: The usual...6 spoonfuls...[Monica picks up a spoon and tries to stir the tea, it stands up in it]

MONICA: ...teaspoons?

PHOEBE: No. Tablespoons [Rachel & Monica stare at her] What?! Grandma said she used to give it to Grandad all the time...he was kinda high strung and prone to nervous attacks.

RACHEL: Ummmm...Phoebs, how did your Grandfather die?

PHOEBE: Diabetic shock. [Rachel & Monica exchange looks. Before Rachel's mind wanders back to the problem at hand.]

RACHEL: Phoebe, are you sure you heard right? My Mom hit on my boyfriend last night!?!?

PHOEBE: I'm sorry..yes.

RACHEL: did he uh....react?

PHOEBE: OH! Honey, Ross was great!! He was completely nauseated, looked like he was going to hurl 3 or 4 times! [demonstrates] Bleahhhhhh!

Hhhhueeeey! Urrrgh! Rrrrraaaallllpph!!!

MONICA: O.K! O.K! Phoebs I think we get the idea!

RACHEL: Oh God, Oh God, Oh God..OH NO! Now it's official!

MONICA: What? What?!!!

PHOEBE: What's official?

RACHEL: My life ...has just qualified for a Ricky Lake special!!!

[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting alone on the couch staring into his latte. Rachel, Phoebe and Monica enter. Monica sees Chandler, takes a step towards him eagerly then remembers Rachel]

MONICA: [Not really looking at Rachel] Are you gonna be O.K sweetie?

RACHEL: Well..I guess, maybe wor- MONICA: Thats good! [rushes over to Chandler]

RACHEL: -k will help me get my mind off this until I can talk to Ross and Mom [loudly so Monica can hear from the door] AFTER ALL IT'S ONLY A MAJOR TOTAL DISASTER IN MY LIFE!!!

PHOEBE: sure you're gonna be able to hang out till Ross gets back?

RACHEL: [gratefully] Yeahhh..thanks Ph- PHOEBE: O.K! [rushes over to the couch]

RACHEL: -oebs.....

[Rachel makes her way over to the counter to get her apron etc, then goes into the store room after shooting daggers looks at Phoebe & Monica who are ensconced either side of Chandler, who is still staring into his latte]

MONICA: Sooo...what happened with Janice?

CHANDLER: I would have thought that was obvious.

MONICA: I meant today!!

PHOEBE: Yeah! What did she say?!!

CHANDLER: Nothin'.

MONICA & PHOEBE: Nothing!?!

CHANDLER: She drove off in a taxi before I got a chance to say anything...

MONICA: Well you gotta try again! You can't just...

CHANDLER: Just what Monica?! She obviously doesn't want me in either her or the baby's life!!

MONICA: Chandler, honey. You don't know that! She's probably just [Ross & Joey enter, Phoebe and Monica are instantly distracted] ...scared...

CHANDLER: [hopefully] You think?

PHOEBE & MONICA: [getting up, looking at Ross hanging up his coat] Absolutely!

CHANDLER: Well...wha.. [Phoebe & Monica rush over to Ross & Joey leaving Chandler alone]

JOEY: I found him sitting outside the apartment block...I think he has amnesia...

ROSS: [looks around trying to find his barings] Hhhhii.

PHOEBE: Oooh what happened, what happened?! [Joey guides Ross over to the couch by the window because Chandler has stretched out on the ususal one.

Ross sits]

MONICA: Did she apologise? Was she drunk?

ROSS: [finally focusing on where he is] Central Perk....Central Perk!!

[grabs Joey by the shirt] You brought me to Central Perk?! That's like bringing a drowning man to the Marianas Trench!! What if...what if Rachel...[goes to get up and get out, Rachel walks out of the storeroom and sees him immediately, he tries to be cool]....Hey Rache! Quite a night huh?

Woah! Only just recovering now!! We should do it again some time...go out I mean...and...

MONICA: Uhhh...Ross?

ROSS: time we'll go to...

MONICA: Ross! She knows....

ROSS: ...knows...she know? [sinks down into the seat again]


ROSS: How did you...[focuses on Phoebe, who looks the other way and starts to chew on her hair]

RACHEL: I think we should talk.

ROSS: I was afraid you were gonna say that.

RACHEL: Come on...[opens the store room door and motions him inside, he slinges in and she follows him, closing the door behind them]

MONICA, PHOEBE & JOEY: Damn!!!! [they focus on Chandler, and smiles light up their faces, the descend on him again]

MONICA: Chandler? Lets talk!

[Scene: Central Perk Store room. Rachel parks herself on top of some crates and looks at Ross expectantly, Ross looks at her then takes a deep breath]

ROSS: O.k, O.k...look Rachel I don't know what to say! All I did was be nice to your Mom you know? Tried to be a little charming...flatter her a bit...I never uh...never expected her you know!

RACHEL: I know.

ROSS: You do?

RACHEL: Ross, I don't blame you for this..

ROSS: You don't?

RACHEL: No! [Ross deflates] You were great! Now that I think about it....she was obviously drunk and just forgot saw how many highballs she had...I guess we Green women tend to be impulsive when we've had a, uh... few too many! [grins] I'll bet she was reeeallly embarrased when you went to talk to her this morning. [Ross tenses up again]

Soooo....what did she say? [Ross swallows]

[Scene: Central Perk]

CHANDLER: But what about her husband? You know...the big burly guy with the kick ass look and the cannon masquerading as a gun? How d'ya think he's gonna react to me waltzing in and claiming his kid as mine?

MONICA: [thinks] You've got to get Janice on her own somewhere!

PHOEBE: Huh-uh! I don't know Monica...that's how he got into this in the first place!

MONICA: Look, call her number, if she's there set up a time to meet her, somewhere neutral where her husband won't walk in on you.

CHANDLER: How about...Switzerland? [Monica gets the phone, and hands it to him]

JOEY: Go ahead man! It can't hurt!

CHANDLER: O.K! You haven't seen this guy close up! With the gun and..and the..the nightstick an..and the muscles and...[trails off and reluctantly dials, waits, someone answers, Chandler's eyes widen in horror] Hi! Is this Janice's husband? Hi! This is..this Joey Tribbiani!! [Joey nearly chokes, Chandler puts his hand over the mouthpiece] said it wasn't going to hurt, now it won't hurt YOU! [into the receiver, imitating Joey] Yeah! Hey! I was kinda wonderin' whether Janice would be there?....Oh..well do you know where I could reach's kind of an emergency!.....Yeah I'm that Joey Tribbiani...yeah...that Yo-yo Chandler guy's friend...Nooo, he still hasn't found a girlfriend....Noo he's still hanging round with ..look could I just get her number it's kinda surprise...yeah a party for the poor know...lousy job, no life...anyway I was hopin' Janice would....759-8271 that's great! Thanks, thanks a lot! Yeah see you at the party!! [h angs up] hhhhO.k!

MONICA: Great! Now all you have to do is ring Janice and organise a time to meet.

CHANDLER: Ah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-HAH! That's all! That's all I have to do! How about getting acknowledgement that the child is mine...avoiding being killed by her husband..custody battles..child support payments, birthday & Christmas gifts, proper schooling....

JOEY: Alright Chandler I think we're getting a little ahead of ourselves here....

CHANDLER: [gets up and starts pacing] Aww God! Why can't I get easy problems like Ross?

[There's a loud crash from the storeroom and a loud shriek from Rachel]


[Scene: Hotel lobby. Chandler is sitting there nervously, 6 or 7 empty espresso cups in front of him. Janice enters. He stands up and waves her over]

JANICE: Chandler. What was so important that you had to ring me 6 times at my mothers?!

CHANDLER: Janice....lets sit down Janice. [they do but Chandler keeps bouncing up and down]

JANICE: [looking at the espresso cups] O.K Chandler why are you so nervous?

Why did you chase after me this morning, Why do you drink so much coffee?!

It's really not good for someone with your dispostion, y'know?

CHANDLER: I think you know what this is all about Janice...

JANICE: [her eyes widen a little] Oh No Chandler!

CHANDLER: Yes Janice! Yes! It's about you and me and....

JANICE: No Chandler, I can't have this conversation..I can't do it...

CHANDLER: We have to Janice...I can't take it anymore..seeing you with him and not....[takes a deep breath] I didn't think I'd ever be able to face this, but now I know...I can do this...

JANICE: My God! Chandler Bing! I'd given up ever hoping to hear you say something like that to me!.....but its too late Chandler...too late..

CHANDLER: Noooo! It's not too late! We can work this out! He's still young and..

JANICE: [interupts] Whoa! Whoa! Who's still young..

CHANDLER: ....the baby!

JANICE: What's my son got to do with you and me?!?!

CHANDLER: You and Me?

JANICE: Yeah! That's what you were talkin....that's not what you were talking about?

CHANDLER: Noooooooo Nooooo Nooo Noooo Noo!

JANICE: Then what the hell are you babbling about Chandler Bing?!!

[Scene: Mrs Green's hotel room. There's a knock on the door, Sandra opens it and Rachel is there. She marches in]

SANDRA: Hi Sweetie! What...[sees the look on Rachel's face]...Oh...

RACHEL: O.K Mom! You have 30 seconds to tell me why you hit on my boyfriend and then told him you loved him! What the hell are you doing!?!

SANDRA: [guiltily] I don't know what to say Rachel.

RACHEL: You don't know what to say? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!?! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME! mind me, how could you do this to Ross?

He's virtually catatonic!

SANDRA: Oh. I never meant for..

RACHEL: [pacing] For what Mom? For WHAT!?! For you to blow up both our lives!!! I mean you turn up in town a few months ago and tell me about you and Daddy, then proceed to try and be one of the girls! You and Daddy act like a couple of petulant kids at Jill's graduation, make Ross and the others act like idiots at my birthday party just to keep you two decide that it's not enough to chase men all over the slopes, you have to go all the way back to the mental age of 15 and steal my boyfriend!

SANDRA: Your father was at your birthday party?

RACHEL: Mother!!!!!

SANDRA: [sinks to the bed] I know..I know sweetie...I really don't know what's come over me lately, between this and the Hamptons....

RACHEL: The Hamptons? What the hell happened in the Hamptons...

SANDRA: You remember Jack?

RACHEL: Jack..Jack...please tell me it's not Jack Geller!

SANDRA: NO! No! Jack the young man who worked on the beach with the deck chairs and and Jill used to have a crush on him..

RACHEL: Oh. Yeah, I remember him. What?! Don't tell me you...and him...were....[trails off]

SANDRA: [nods] Hmm-mmm...Rachel honey, I've just been so alone lately. The house is so big, and even though your father and I never talked much at least when he was there...well he was there..if you know what I mean. Jack and I, well...we were just physical..I had so much to make up for and we...

RACHEL: Whoa! Whoa! No details please! I've seen Monica's reaction to this sort of thing!

SANDRA: ...well..anyway, it was just a physical relationship, if you can believe that at my age! There was no talking, no intimacy...and when you and I went to Vale the men up there were the same, but Ross...Ross paid attention, you know? He actually listened, he made me feel better about myself...I was beginning to think men like that don't exist...I guess his attentions kind of swept me off my feet....

RACHEL: Goddamnit Mother! I'm sorry you're lonely but that's just not a good enough reason! There is no excuse for what you've done!

SANDRA: I know..I know!

RACHEL: Well....I guess...I guess I don't really want to see you anymore..[goes to the door] least for a while...

SANDRA: Rachel! I....[Rachel leaves]

[Scene: Hotel Lobby. Chandler & Janice. Janice is laughing hysterically]


JANICE: [holding her sides] thoug...


JANICE: [wipes tears away] You thought that......

CHANDLER: For God's sake JANICE!!!

JANICE: Oh Oh Oh! I'm sorry Chandler....[laughs again] actually thought that my baby was your baby! But I told you way back that it wasn't....

CHANDLER: [beginning to feel sheepish] Well Yes...but not exactly and then I saw him and I...I mean he looks like me...kinda...and he certainly doesn't look like your husband!

JANICE: Well of course he doesn't!

CHANDLER: [confused] What...what...what do you mean?

JANICE: [taking his hand] Chandler's not his baby either.

CHANDLER: But then if he isn't ...and I isn't....then who isn't ...I mean is..?

JANICE: Chandler, I did date other guys y'know...I mean I didn't wait by the phone all the time waiting for you to ring and then dump me...and then ring and dump me and ring and dump me..

CHANDLER: O.K O.K Janice!....So you were..y'know..

JANICE: Pregnant?

CHANDLER: Yeah..that...before you got married?


CHANDLER: And your husband had no problem with that?

JANICE: Nope...[looks fondly at him].....Funny isn't it?

CHANDLER: What's funny?

JANICE: That I should meet and marry a man that is the complete opposite of you when it comes to relationships, after all that time carrying a torch for you... [Chandler looks kind of sad]

CHANDLER: Yeah..hilarious...

JANICE: Aww..Chandler'll find someone someday...[gets up]

...when you grow up. Until then...CHEER UP! I mean you got what you always wanted, no worries!!

CHANDLER: ..I guess..[stands up and cheers up] ..Yeah! You're right!!!!

[hops around a bit]

JANICE: That's my Chandler! I gotta's my Mom's birthday and I've got to finish organising the party..

CHANDLER: O.K! [She turns to go] Ooh! By the way don't be surprised if you receive an invitation to come to a surprise party for me...


CHANDLER: Never mind. [kisses her on the cheek] See ya round Janice. Be happy, take care of that handsome little boy and tell that husband of yours what a lucky guy he is.

JANICE: Bye Chandler Bing.

CHANDLER: Bye Just Janice.

[Janice leaves and Chandler watches her go. His smile fades for a moment, then three gorgeous women pass him by and smile at him, he grins to himself and skips out the door singing the Beatles: "Free as a Bird"]

[Scene: Monica & Rachel's apartment. Evening. Phoebe & Joey are on the couch. Monica is on the seat. Ross is staring out the window. Rachel enters dejected. Everyone stands up bar Ross who doesn't move.]


RACHEL: Hey. [hangs up her coat]

PHOEBE: So how'd it go with your Mom?

RACHEL: Ohhhh...I told her I didn't want to see her again...[everyone looks shocked] least for a while...

PHOEBE: Wow....intense..[Ross stands up, Rachel gives him a weak smile]

RACHEL: Hey you.

ROSS: Hey you....C'mere. [She makes her way over to him and he envelops her in a hug.] Ohh..I'm so sorry sweetheart...I feel like this is all my fault.

RACHEL: No. No, you were only trying to help...I can't believe she could be so selfish as to do something like this...Oh God...

[there's a knock on the door. Joey goes to answer it. He opens the door and Sandra is standing there apprehensively]


SANDRA: Hello Joey. Can I come in?

[Joey looks over at Rachel & Ross, who break. Rachel nods.]

JOEY: Sure! [ushers her in, everyone has expectant looks on their faces]

RACHEL: Mom. When I said I didn't want to see you for a while, I meant for longer than 30 minutes!!!

SANDRA: I know sweetie, but I had to do this before I could chicken out of it.

MONICA: [moves to stand beside, Phoebe, Chandler and Joey] you guys want us to go?

SANDRA: No dear..I'm glad your all here...I think this should be said with an audience.

[Monica and the others nod solemnly, then mouth a silent "YES!" to each other and sit down quickly with eager looks on their faces]

SANDRA: Rachel...Ross...I owe you both a huge apology for what I did...Nothing I was feeling could possibly excuse my behaviour to both of you. [walks over to them] Ross...I should never have told you that I thought I loved was stupid, and it was untrue...

ROSS: was?

SANDRA: Yes. I was just bowled over by your attentiveness, and gave me more of that in one day than I've had in almost 6'd think at my age you'd be able to tell the difference between gratitude and affection and love, now wouldn't you? [touches his face] You are a sweet boy Ross Geller, and I'm very glad my daughter discovered it....I'm truly sorry to have embarrased you like this, after all you've done.

ROSS: ....I don't know what to say...I guess I was kinda flattered, but I gotta tell you Mrs Green...I'm sooooo glad you're not in love with me [laughs]

SANDRA: [laughs] Oh Me too! Can you imagine...Me with..YOU!! [laughs harder, Ross stops laughing] Oh! Oh! Don't get me wrong Ross, I meant all those things I said about you, it's just I'm not cut out to be a "Sugar Mommy", y'know? [looks at Rachel] Sweetheart nothing I can say can possibly make either you or I feel better. You were right! I was acting like a selfish spoilt child..and now I've lost your trust and respect, the trust and respect of the one person in the world I truly wanted!

RACHEL: and respect? Why?

SANDRA: You don't get it do you? You've got everything I've always wanted!

The courage to get out and make it on my own! To get and keep a job! To have real friends and a man that truly loves me! And you went and did it all! I admire and respect you more than anyone I've ever known!!!

RACHEL: Really?

SANDRA: Really. And now I've ruined it all. You gave me the courage to finally get up and get out of the sterile bubble I called a life, and I wanted to make you proud of me, and what do I do? Because my life doesn't fall straight into place I...I start to feel sorry for myself and try to take the easy way out and grab your life instead...I'm so sorry, Rachel honey. [looks at her watch] I better go there's a taxi waiting downstairs..[she walks to the door, opens it and looks back at Rachel]...if you want, I'll be at your sisters for a while, until the house is sold.

[goes out the door and starts to close it behind her. Rachel takes a step forward.]

RACHEL: Mom? [the door swings open again and Sandra looks in]

SANDRA: Yes sweetheart?

RACHEL: ...Come back soon...O.K?

SANDRA: [slowly breaks into a smile] Are you kidding? When this is all over, I'll be back with bells on! And New York, won't know what's hit it!

I'm going to take this town by storm!! I guarantee you!!! Bye sweetie! You guys!

ALL: Bye! [she leaves but leaves the door open]

CHANDLER: Woah! Does anyone else feel like they've just been in an episode of Dynasty!

[From outside in the hall]

MR TREEGER: Hey Mrs. Green!

SANDRA: Hello Mr. Treeger, lovely day isn't it?

MR. TREEGER: Yep it certainly is a...YOWW!! Hey lady whadidItellya about them hands!!

CLOSING TITLES [Scene: Janice's mothers birthday party. Janice and her family are seated around. Janice's husband enters with toys 'n stuff for the baby.]

JANICE'S HUSBAND: Hey there! Look what I've got for you!

[He gives the baby a stuffed elephant and a Baywatch baseball cap. Then pulls out a cassette tape from his pocket. Janice comes over]

JANICE: You got him a Baywatch cap?

JANICE'S HUSBAND: Yeah well..I noticed whenever it's on he goes real quiet and gets this real happy look on his face! Y'know gurgling an' smiling at the screen...

JANICE: Smiling! It's probably just gas! Most likely brought on by the sight of Pamela Lee, the baby lunchmobile! [looks at the cassette] Whatcha got there?

JANICE'S HUSBAND: It's a collection of fairy tales, I got it off the bargain rack in one of the stores in the Village. [sticks the cassette in the stereo, presses play Janice reads the box.]

JANICE: The Complete Brothers Grimm as read by Yanni?!

[Yanni's voice can be heard reading the start of Hansel and Gretel. The baby does a vicious doubletake eerily reminiscent of Chandler and bursts into a screaming crying fit. Janice's husband looks at her confused, she gives him a weak shrug and picks up the baby.]