The One With the Lime Green Flares
An original fanfic script by Lisa K.
[Scene: central perk, Chandler and Ross are sitting on the couch talking, Joey is in the corner chatting with some girl]
Chandler: How the hell does he do it? does he let of a smell that instantly attracts women?
Ross: well if he did I wish he'd bottle it and sell it to me
Chandler: still bummed about Rachel?
Ross: Yeah, I mean we had something, but just as soon as some jerk comes along who can offer her a job or something, she flushes it down the toilet faster than if it was puke.
Chandler: I sympathise Man, I mean its not everyday that the girl that you want to spend the rest of your life with runs of with some rich, intelligent soooo cute mattress king who's cheated on her like so many times and then she like goes on T.V and rubs salt in the wound and and(looks at Ross and notices the Funny expression he is giving him) and I think I'll shut up now
Roll opening credits
[Monica and Rachel's apartment, Monica is watching T.V when Rachel and Mark come in]
Rachel: Hey Monica
Mark: Hey Monica
[Monica gives him one of her trademark looks and turns back to the T.V.
Rachel shrugs and goes over and sits down on the couch, Mark follows her and is about to sit down]
Monica: DON'T sit there
Monica: because I just vacuumed there ten minutes ago and if you sit down as soon as you leave I'll have to vacuum just to get your slimeball germs of
[mark is obviously uncomfortable]
Mark: listen Rachel, I have to go but I'll see you tonight alright?
Rachel:(baby voice) okay honeybunch
Mark:(baby voice)see you later sugarpie
[they kiss briefly as Monica is making retching sounds in the background]
Mark: well Ciao
[Mark leaves and Rachel turns around to face Monica]
Rachel: what the hell was that?
Rachel: they way you treated mark? what did he ever do to you?
Monica: He was born
Rachel: I have had it with you Monica Geller, until you stop acting like a spoilt child I am not talking to you.
Monica: you're one to talk about being a spoilt child
[Rachel gasps and then marches into her room and slams the door]
Monica: don't close the door I just varnished
Rachel:(muffled from inside) Yeah right
[cut to central perk. chandler is sitting on the couch alone reading a newspaper, a man dressed in too tight lime green flares and and bright tight flame orange top walks in, he has dyed blonde hair and is wearing heels, he spots Chandler]
Man: Oh Chandy
[Chandler turns around and looks at the man horrified, the man spreads his arms]
Man: come to papa!
[close up on chandler's frozen face]
[cut to Joey and Chandler's apartment, Ross and Joey are there]
Joey: so I told her How I was Dr. Drake Armoury on days of our lives and maybe she like to let me inspect her sometime, if you know what I mean
Ross: Yes yes I do, then what?
Joey: she looks at me real funny and says " no thanks I've already had my physical"
Ross: so where's the punchline?
Joey: there is no punchline its just a story
[Ross seems frustrated. Chandler bursts in the door out of breath]
Chandler: you guys(pants) go go GO(points in the direction of the door now before(pants) its too late
Ross: what is it an attack from Mars(chandler shakes his head still out of breath) well what is it? speak man speak
[Chandler gives him a look, then the man in the lime green flares appears at the door and puts his arm around Chandler's shoulder]
Man: well aren't you going to introduce me to your friends lovely?
(chandler is still out of breath)
Man: are you alright Chandy?
Chandler: don't call me that
Man: Okay Chandy
Ross: so Chandler I see you have finally come out
[chandler gives Ross a look]
Man: Chandy will you introduce me or do I have to introduce myself?
Chandler: Ross Joey, this is (mumbles) My dad, Dad this Ross and Joey they were just about to leave. Right Ross, Joey
Ross well actually I think we can spend a few more minutes here right Joey, Joey
Ross: where were you?
Joey: Dr Ramory rises from the dead
[cut to Monica and Rachel's apartment, phoebe enters guitar in hand]
Phoebe: Monica Monica
[Monica comes to her bed room door]
Monica: Hey pheebs
Phoebe: Listen Monica, I have a new song I want to run by you okay?
[Phoebe sits on the couch and begins to strum]
Phoebe: There once was a girl called pearl
who was always in a whirl
la la la la la
she met a guy called why and
they had a great time
la la la la la
but then she left him
and he used to stand outside her apartment
where the wild roses grow
and sing why pearl why pearl
la la la la la
but she got annoyed and she called the police
and they took him away to jail
where he used to sing all day
why pearl why pearl
la la la la la
and now pearl lives all alone
but she has a great time on her own
but she doesn't eat mocolate cause
she prefers chocolate
la la la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaa
[Monica look dumbstruck and then she starts to clap]
Monica: great phoebe
Phoebe: okay thanks
[phoebe leaves and Monica goes back into her room]
[cut to Joey and chandler's, Chandler, Ross and Mr Bing are there Joey is in the bathroom]
Ross: I still think I should go get Monica
Chandler: no no its okay
Mr. Bing: Oh I'd love to meet her
[Ross goes out the door before chandler can stop him]
Mr. Bing: such a nice boy is he available?
[chandler gets an evil look in his eye]
Chandler: Oh yeah and you know he likes guys too, but he like it if you make it really obvious with out actually telling him, try contact and stuff
Mr. Bing: Thanks Chandy
[Monica and Ross come in and chandler comes out of the bathroom]
Monica: Hello Mr Bing
Mr. Bing: Hello Honey
Monica: Nice um flares
Mr Bing: Oh thank you they are classics you know my prized possession, don't go any where without them
Monica: well now we know where chandler gets his excellent dress sense from
Chandler: I know lets get some coffee
[cut to Monica and Rachel's apartment, we hear Rachel pulling at her door]
Rachel:(from inside her room) Monica, Monica MONICA
[cut to central perk, Ross and Mr bing are sitting on the couch together]
Mr. Bing(reaches over and put his hand on Ross's knee) So Ross are you with anyone at the moment?
Ross: Uh um no
[Mr. Bing moves a little closer]
Mr Bing: You know I like smart men
[Ross is getting very uneasy]
[Mr Bing moves even closer and they are really really close]
Mr. Bing: Ross I think you are really sexy
Ross: oh um thanks
[Mr. Bing reaches up and strokes Ross's hair Ross jumps up]
Ross: I have to go to the bathroom
[Ross runs of, mark walks in rather bummed Mr Bing looks up at him, their eyes lock and then mark walks over to him, starstruck]
Mr. Bing: Hello
Mark: I just had to come over I don't know why but you are like so so wonderful
Mr. Bing: why thank you
Mark: Nice flares
Mr. Bing: thank you
[mark sits down beside him and they clasp hand s and just stare at each other, chandler comes out of the bathroom and seeing the two of them starts to laugh, they look up at him]
Mr. Bing: Chandy I have found some very special today
Chandler: Oh Okay
Mr. Bing: and now I have to leave come...
Mr Bing: come Markie
[they get up and walk out, Mr Bing pause to blow Chandler a kiss, Chandler goes over and sits down on the couch and pick up a newspaper, we hear the voice of a woman from of camera]
[Chandler looks up and we see a beautiful woman tall, black hair with browny green eyes]
[she sits down beside him]
Woman: I just like to say that I saw your boyfriend chatting up another guy as well as that one and he just left with and I think you are too good for him and those flares, lime green! yuck.
Chandler: Oh he wasn't my boyfriend he was my dad, I happen to prefer girls
[the woman smiles at him]
Woman: My name is Alicia and I must say I am very glad to hear that
Chandler: Oh why?
Alicia: (leans forward) Because you being gay would be such a waste
[we see a close up of chandler's smiling face]
[cut to Monica and Rachel's apartment, Rachel and Phoebe as well as Monica are there Monica and Phoebe are consoling Rachel]
Rachel: I mean Chandler's dad, his mother would have been bad enough but his dad!
Monica: I know sweetie I'm so sorry
Phoebe: this is like so strange, I mean its stranger than anything I could write, but I like it I think I'll write a song about it
Rachel: gee thanks phoebe
Phoebe: don't mention it
Monica: I'm sorry about the door
Rachel: that's okay at least I didn't have to see it, I was stuck in my room counting roaches
Rachel: yeah mon we have a real problem
Monica: no no no no
roll end credits
[cut to central perk, phoebe is singing]
Phoebe: so now we all know the story of larky and mr sing shoop shoop
who found true love with each other shoop shoop but our hearts go
out to Rachel who was left behind shoop shoop and maybe she can't
find love with someone else like a cat or a dog or a frog shoop
shoop and maybe when she kisses the frog he'll turn into a prince or
maybe nor shoop shoopy do