Written by:
John NoonanAUTHOR’S NOTE: Okay, I admit I did not like the fourth season of "Friends". It was not the greatest thing in the world. Hell, they had a clip show for God’s sake. That shows unoriginality. Anyway, I wrote this script as a final episode for season three. It goes in place of the original season finale. I also class it as the last "Friends" episode ever. Yes, I know there are quite a few out there and that Dan Silverstein’s is the best, but surely I get a go as well. For those of you that have never liked my scripts, you’ll be glad to know this my last one (ever) before I concentrate on my A-level revision.
So...yeah!
Int. Central Perk. Day
(The gang are all there. Joey, Monica and Rachel are on the couch. Ross is in his usual place, Chandler is sat on a stool and Phoebe is sat on the floor. They are all reading. Suddenly Phoebe sits up straight. She has this look of bewilderment on her face.)
Phoebe: Woah!
Monica: You okay, Pheebs?
Phoebe: I just got this sudden feeling that we are coming to the most decisive days of our lives.
Ross: Creepy!
Everyone: Yeah!
(They all continue to read when suddenly Joey sits up and pulls exactly the same face as Phoebe.)
Joey: Woah!
Rachel: You okay, Joey?
Joey: Yeah, just too much pasta.
Everyone: Eeew!
(Monica and Rachel move away from him.)
(Roll Credits.)
Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Night.
(All the girls are there. They are all sat on the couch watching TV. Phoebe’s bag is on the kitchen table.)
Phoebe: Do we have to watch "The X Files"?
Rachel: Phoebe, this is pure entertainment!
Phoebe: Yeah, but all those aliens that are made to work just so that you are entertained for an hour. It’s sick!
Monica: (Patronising) You do know that they’re not real aliens?
Phoebe: (Sighs) I’m not talking about the ones in front of the camera. I’m talking about the ones BEHIND the camera.
Monica/Rachel:(As if they understand) Oh!
(They look at each other in bewilderment as Joey walks in. He’s holding a manuscript in his hand.)
Joey: Hey!
(Everyone gives their hellos as Joey sits down. )
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs let’s watch something else.
(She changes the channel and the "Seinfeld" theme tune seeps out of the speakers.)
Joey: Aw, not Seinfeld.
Rachel: (Annoyed) Not you too. What’s wrong with Seinfeld?
Monica: I thought that would be obvious.
Joey: It’s just that I auditioned for that. It was one of my first proper auditions.
Monica: Really?
Joey: Yeah. However, I failed miserably. Now all I’ve got is this tele-movie.
(He waves the script it the air. Monica grabs it off him. )
Monica: (Reading) "Pride in America". One man’s account of the gay pride marches.
(Rachel takes the manuscripts of Monica. She takes a look at it as she talks.)
Rachel: (Impressed) Wow! This is serious stuff. What part do you play?
Joey: (Ashamed) Homosexual number 233.
Girls: What?
Joey: I’m only part of a crowd scene. Check it out on page 99.
(He stands up as Rachel flicks through the manuscript. She finds it and begins to read the script. As she does so Joey is limbering up getting ready for his part.)
Rachel: (Reading) Exterior shot of Empire State Building. As the camera pans down the building Steve begins to talk. "And so it was that I found myself in a crowd full of people all celebrating their sexuality under the light of the sun".
(Joey begins to jumps up and down, waving his hands in the air.)
Joey: WOOO! YEAH! WOO! (He stops jumping) Then the camera pans away from me.
(He sits back down.)
Phoebe: Wow! It’ll be like "Where’s Waldo?" except it’ll be "Where’s Joey?". (She points at Joey) Ooh, there he is. (Standing up) Ooh! Wait!
(She walks over to her bag and begins searching in it. She continues to do so while the others talk.)
Joey: It’s not fair. I’m never gonna get another decent part like "Days of Our Lives". I’m always gonna be the guy that fell down an elevator shaft and was then found telling half of America that he couldn’t open milk cartons.
Rachel: Stand up!
(He does so. Rachel walks over to him.)
Rachel: Joey, you will.
(She hugs him. She sits back down as Monica gets up.)
Monica: Yeah, don’t worry.
(She hugs him as well. Phoebe has finished searching in her bag. With her hands behind her back she turns to Joey.)
Phoebe: Over here!
(Joey smiles. He walks over to Phoebe with his arms out ready for a hug.)
Joey: Aw, Pheebs.
(He gets up to her and instead of a hug, she places a woolly hat and thick glasses on his head.)
Phoebe: Look, Where’s Joey?
(Joey is not amused. He turns to face Monica and Rachel who burst out laughing. Seeing the look on his face they get up.)
Monica/Rachel: Aw!
(They walk over to him and hug him. As they do so we see Joey’s face turn into a big smile.)
Int. Central Perk. Night
(The gang are all there except for Joey. Rachel and Phoebe are on the couch. Chandler is on the stool on the left. Ross is in his chair on the right with Bonnie on his knee. Monica is stood near the bar. Everyone is talking when Ross whispers something to Bonnie. She laughs and punches him playfully. They kiss. Rachel watches them and gets up in disgust. She walks over to Monica.)
Rachel: Ugh, do they have to do that?
(Monica turns to look at Ross and Bonnie. They’re still kissing. She turns back to Rachel.)
Monica: (Trying to be sincere.) Rachel, sweetie. I know this is hard for you, but it’s been two months. They’re happy. They’re in love. Leave them.
(As they talk Chandler creeps up behind them.)
Rachel: (To Monica) But...
Monica: No.
Rachel: BUT....
Chandler: No!
(The girls look at him.)
Chandler: (Bashful) Sorry. The conversation wasn’t very exciting over there.
(Joey walks in. He’s dressed in stereotypical gay clothes. Y’know the sort of thing. Tight T-shirt, tight jeans, etc. He’s also sporting a fake moustache and gelled back hair. In his hands he carries a brown paper bag filled with manuscripts.)
Chandler: Oh my god! Freddy Mercury, is that you?
Joey: (Not impressed) Ha Ha!
(Monica, Rachel, Joey and Chandler sits down. Bonnie and Ross have finally stopped kissing.)
Bonnie: Oh, hi Joey. How did filming go?
Joey: (Taking off his moustache) Terrible. I got upstaged.
Ross: (Confused) Let me get this straight. You got upstaged in a crowd scene.
Joey: Yeah! It started off when cop number 10 didn’t follow his lines. Y’see, he was meant to say "get back" twice, but he said it THREE times!
Chandler: Bastard!
Joey: I know. Then, Homosexual number 274 stood next to me when he was meant to be stood next to lesbian number 145. So, now you can only see part of my face they do the camera sweep over the crowd.
Chandler: Well, that’s the problem when you number gay people.
Joey: It’s not fair! I’m gonna get nowhere in life! From now on, I’m always gonna have bad scripts till the day I die.
(A solemn silence fills the room.)
Phoebe: This is probably not the right time, but what’s in the bag?
Joey: (Suddenly Cheery) Oh, this is my script! I wrote it on the lap top!
Chandler: The lap top?! As in my computer. You used my laptop.
Joey: Yeah. And I got some copies down.
(Joey begins to hand out copies of the script to everyone.)
Chandler: (Shocked) Ah, I see you printed it out! On MY computer with my printer.
Joey: (Not sure what the problem is) Yeah.
Chandler: Why don’t you just kiss my mother?
Joey: Er, I would but what with the the grilling you gave Ross and everything...
Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Evening.
(Everyone is there apart from Joey and Rachel. They are all watching TV. Joey walks in.)
Joey: Hi.
(Everyone says hi.)
Ross: (To Bonnie) Sally, people need their sleep. Seven hours or else we’re messing with our circadian rhythm.
Bonnie: Hey, woah, Nic. No-one said anything about sex.
(Everyone apart from Joey: That’s the name of our sleeping pattern, Sally!)
Joey: (Cheerily) You read the script!
Chandler: It was great!
(Joey sits down as they talk.)
Ross: I know! It had to be one of the funniest things I’ve read! Well, apart from Professor Bernstein’s theory on the evolution of the invertebrates during the cretaceous period.
Chandler: (Frowning) Well, what is?
Bonnie: What about scene five?
Monica: The bit with the inflatable phone.
Bonnie: Yeah.
Phoebe: It was hilarious.
Ross: And what about that scene when they discuss why white people should not sing Coolio songs.
Chandler: (Honestly) Hilarity ensues
Joey: Really?
Everyone: No!
Joey: (Upset) Oh.
Chandler: Psyche! We loved it, man!
Monica: Joey, you’ve got a real talent here.
Joey: You mean apart from acting?
Monica: Um, yeah.
Phoebe: So, what are you going to do with this script?
Joey: Well, Estelle has already sent out copies to various networks so fingers crossed.
(A beeping sound comes from Bonnie.)
Ross: Um, sweetie, you’re beeping!
Bonnie: Oh, that will be my beeper.
(She takes it out of her pocket and looks at it.)
Bonnie: Monica, can I use your phone?
Monica: Um, sure. Use the one in the bedroom if you want some privacy.
Bonnie: Thanks.
(Bonnie gets up and goes into Monica’s room. When she does Rachel comes in through the front door.)
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: (Confused) Um, hey!
Joey: where’ve you been?
Chandler: They have a problem at work?
Ross: Like a drought on chinos. thousands of people running around pantless.
Chandler: (Impressed) Very good! A bit spiteful, but nonetheless off the cuff.
Ross: Thank you.
Rachel: I’ve got some news.
Phoebe: Good or bad?
Rachel: Kinda bad.
(She sits down. )
Monica: (Sitting up) What’s up?
Rachel: Allison’s promoted me. I’m an executive at Bloomingdale’s.
Ross: Bitch! I hate it when my boss adds extra zeros to my pay slip.
Chandler: (Impressed) Ooh, two jibes in one conversation! Well done, my friend.
Phoebe: Wait, Rachel, I don’t see what the problem is.
Rachel: The problem is that I’m an executive of Bloomingdale’s in Chicago.
Everyone: CHICAGO!
Rachel: Um, yeah.
Monica: But that’s... that’s....
Phoebe: Jerry Springer country. Oh, Rachel you can’t go.
Rachel: I have to. This is a great opportunity for me.
Chandler: But we’ll miss you.
Rachel: And I’ll miss you guys but I really want to go.
Monica: Really?
Rachel: Yeah. I leave in 8 weeks.
Monica: Well, I ain’t letting you leave until I’ve held you the biggest party ever.
Rachel: Really? You’d do that for me?
Monica: (Getting emotional) Yes Rachel! You’re my friend! I can’t let you get on a plane without a decent goodbye.
Rachel: (High Pitched) Aw, Mon! I love you!
Monica: (Equally high pitched) I love you too.
(They both hug. Bonnie walks back into the room. She stops short when she sees Monica and Rachel hugging. )
Bonnie: Um, am I interrupting something?
Mon/Rach: (High Pitched) No!
Bonnie: Oooookay. Hey, Mr Geller, my Mom wants to meet you.
Ross: Meet me? Why?
Bonnie: Well, I’m assuming it’s not to know what positions we doin’ it in.
Ross: Oh. (Gets up) Well, we’ll be going now. (He grabs their coats which were hanging on the couch.) Off to see her Mom.
Rachel: (Quietly) God, it’s serious.
Ross: What’d you say, Rach?
Rachel: Um.... nothing. Enjoy yourselves.
(Bonnie and Ross walk to the door.)
Ross: (Singing) Been spending most our lives, living in a Gansta’s paradise.
(He opens the door to be faced by Janice.)
Ross: Argh!
(The gang all turn around to see what made Ross scream.)
Everyone: Argh!
Chandler: Ja, Janice, what, how did you get in?
Janice: Hello Chandler Bing. Sorry I didn’t buzz in, but I still had your spare key.
Bonnie: (Putting out her hand) Hi! We’ve never met. I’m Bonnie.
Janice: Hi Bonnie. (To Ross) So, how’s it going between you and Rachel?
Ross (Pushing Bonnie out of the door) Okay, Bonnie! Time to go.
(They leave. Quickly.)
Int. Chandler and Joey’s. Evening.
(Chandler bursts into the room followed by a reluctant Janice. Chandler turns to face Janice. Behind him is a recliner which is facing his back.)
Chandler: So, what’s up?
Janice: What, what makes you think there is something wrong?
Chandler: Let’s see..... You left me for your husband and now here you are AGAIN pretending that there is nothing wrong. So, there has got to be something wrong.
(Chandler thinks about what he’s said and frowns.)
Chandler: So, what’s up?
Janice: I think you should sit down.
Chandler: No, I don’t want to. I don’t need to. I’m a MAN! I ain’t sitting down till you tell me why you...
(Janice pushes him onto the recliner.)
Chandler: Okay, I’m gonna sit just this once. So, where’s the mattress king?
Janice: We split up! Officially!
Chandler: (Concerned) When?
Janice: A month after I left you. I’ve only just built up the courage to see you now.
Chandler: Why did you split up?
Janice: (Getting upset) He said he didn’t want to see me anymore.
(Janice begins to cry. She pulls a tissue out of her bag. Chandler stands up and hugs her.)
Chandler: Why?
Janice: (Crying; comically) I don’t knooooooooooooow!
Chandler: Really? He gave you no clues.
Janice: (Calming down) Well, it may have had something to do with the fact that I called out your name twenty times during one single night of sex.
(Chandler pulls away quickly.)
Chandler: (Shocked) What? What? What? What?
Janice: Chandler....
Chandler: Let me finish! WHAT?!
Janice: Chandler, I still love you.
(There’s a long, uncomfortable silence.)
Chandler: (Weakly) What?
In. Monica and Rachel’s. Evening
(Monica, Rachel, Joey and Phoebe are all sat talking. Monica gets up.)
Monica: Anyone want a drink?
(Rachel and Joey say "yes" while Phoebe stays quiet. Almost as if she’s not listening. No-one makes a big deal of it. Chandler enters.)
Joey: Hey! So, er, what happened?
Chandler: Um, she still loves me.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Um, she says she loves me. She wants to meet for a drink at eight tonight. I’m , er, gonna go.
Phoebe: Wait, this is Janice we’re talking about isn’t it?
Chandler: (Irritated) Yes! What is so strange about that?
Phoebe: Nothing, but I think what is weird is that I’m a few seconds behind everyone else.
Chandler: Okaaay! Anyway, I’m gonna see her tonight and I’m gonna discuss any relationship we may have left.
Joey: Okay, but you be careful man.
Chandler: I will. Don’t worry.
Phoebe: Ooh, Monica! I’ll have a drink.
(Everyone looks at her.)
Int. Chandler and Joey’s. Day.
(Joey stumbles out of his room in his dressing gown. He makes himself some juice. As he does, Chandler walks into the room. He’s dressed quite smartly and carrying the mail.)
Chandler: Mail Call!
(He hands Joey the mail and he sorts it out into two piles.)
Joey: (Looking up) Nice suit! You, er, sleep in that?
Chandler: Yes, Joey, yes I did! I find that wearing an Amarni suit is so much more comfortable than the common T-shirt and boxers.
Joey: Oh.
Chandler: Of course I didn’t you big freak. I have to go somewhere to day.
Joey: Oh right. Listen, you got in late last night.
Chandler: (Smiling) I know! Man, I had the greatest night. Janice and I talked all night and we’ve decided to give our relationship another go.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Yeah, are you okay with that? I mean, we really love each other. It’s like how Ross and Rachel use to be except there’s no Xerox girl.
Joey: Wow! That’s pretty good. Well, yeah! Of course it’s okay with me. (He puts his hand on Chandler’s shoulder) The best of luck to ya!
Chandler: Thanks man.
Joey: I’m sure you’ll be happy, so you will!
Chandler: Uh, Joey?
Joey: Yes, boyo!
Chandler: Why have you become like that little leprechaun in the "Lucky Charms" adverts.
Joey: I don’t quite know. Now begone with ya, I need to be getting changed.
Chandler: Okay, bye!
(He leaves. Joey goes to his room. The phone rings. Joey picks it up)
Joey: Top of the mornin’ to ya! I mean, hello. (Pause) Oh, hi. (Pause) What? (Pause; excited) Really?
(He jumps up in the air. Before he comes down we slam cut to:)
Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Day
(Joey, now dressed, finishes his jump. Rachel and Monica are in the kitchen watching him.)
Joey: An executive of NBC wants to meet me.
Rachel: Why?
Joey: Because of my script.
(The girls congratulate him. Ad lib.)
Monica: So, er, when do they want to see you?
Joey: Tonight. 8:30 PM. I’ve got like nine hours to get ready.
(He runs out just as Phoebe enters.)
Joey: Hi Pheebs
(He shoots off.)
Phoebe: Um, hi
Monica: Hi, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Um, hi.
Rachel: Phoebe, are you okay?
Phoebe: Yeah, um, I don’t know. I got this letter today.
(She hands it to Rachel. The letter is un-opened)
Rachel: And using your clairvoyant powers you managed to read the letter without opening it.
Phoebe: No, I don’t want to open it.
Monica: Why not?
Phoebe: because of the date.
Monica: What? You hate opening letters on months that have the same numbers of vowels and consonants.
(Rachel laughs.)
Phoebe: Yes, why?
Monica: Um, nothing.
Phoebe: Rachel, will you open it?
Rachel: Yeah, sure. (She opens it.) Ooh, it’s from a law firm.
Phoebe: Well, read it to me.
Rachel: Um, let’s see. "Dear Ms. Buffay. It is our duty to inform you of the death of your (Slows down her reading) father, Frank Buffay."
Phoebe: What?!
Rachel: Oh, Pheebs! This is about your father. I can’t read this. Here you should read it!
Phoebe: No, please, carry on.
Rachel: Um, okay. Um, "Mr Buffay, your father, past away quietly in his sleep. Before his death he left a will for which you are invited to a formal reading here in New York.
Phoebe: I don’t believe it! I don’t know who my father is for twenty years and then the minute I get a chance to see him, he’ll be in a wooden box.
(Phoebe begins to cry.)
Rachel: Oh, Pheebs.
(She’s hug Phoebe.)
Phoebe: I just wanted to find him before he died. It’s not fair.
Monica: Oh, I am so sorry.
(Monica joins in the hug.)
Int. A restaurant. Night.
(Joey enters the restaurant. The place is pretty full. That may have to do with the mini-orchestra in the corner of the room. In the middle of the room at a table for three, sits a man all on his own. For now, we can only see the back of him. He sticks out from the rest of the diners. Maybe it’s something to do with the fact that he is wearing a bright red suit. Once Joey’s coat has been taken he walks up to the maitre de.)
Joey: I’m here to meet a Mr Barker.
Maitre: Um, (Looks at his list) yes. He’s at table 2.
(He points to the table where the man in the red suit is.)
Joey: Thanks.
Joey walks over to the table.
Joey: Mr Barker?
Mr Barker (Played by John Lithgow) stands up. He shakes Joey’s hand.
Barker: Hi there, boy! You Joey Tribbiani?
Joey: Yes, sir!
Barker: Sir? Why, I like that! Shows my superiority over you! Now sit down Boy.
Joey: Thank you.
(They sit.)
Barker: I just wanna say you use to be great in "Days of Our Lives".
Joey: Thank you.
Barker: Hell, you were the only reason to watch. Well, that and when that cute nurse use to bend over the patients. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to be a 90 year old man having a heart attack during a liver transplant operation so much in all my life.
(They both laugh. Joey’s laugh is a bit weaker then Barker’s)
Barker: Now, your story was one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.
Joey: Thank you, Mr Barker.
Barker: Please, Sir will be good enough. Now, y’see the reason I’ve asked you here is because I want you to help us write a new sit-com.
Joey: Wow! Really?
Barker: Sure, we do! Infact you’ll be sharing the title of head writer with one of our best writers in the business. Ah, here he comes now.
(The camera pans over to Stu (Played by French Stewart). He’s a rough looking man, wearing a shirt and tie with a leather jacket. He spies Mr Barker sitting at the table and pushes pass the maitre de.)
Barker: Stu!
(Barker shakes Stu’s hand.)
Stu: How’s it goin’ Matt?
(Joey stands up and offers his hand to Stu.)
Joey: Hi I’m...
Stu: (Shouting) There he is! Satan’s own Sperm! Come to test my powers of entertainment. (Joey sits down in shock. Stu looks up to the sky) God, why you forsaken me? (To Barker, calmly) Right, I’m just gonna go and tackle with the ole lizard!
(He walks off. Joey can not take his eyes of him and doesn’t even turn to Barker when he begins to talk.)
Barker: Don’t mind him! He’s just getting over a recent drug, alcohol and college girl addiction. He’s good at heart.
(Joey doesn’t appear to have been listening. He has is eyes firmly planted on the toilet door incase Stu should some out and surprise him.)
Barker: Uh, Joey?
(Barker places a hand gently on Joey’s shoulder. Joey screams and jumps ten feet in the air.)
Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Night
(The girls are all there and Ross has come around with Bonnie. Ross sits on the chair and Bonnie sits on the couch with Rachel and Monica. They all watch as Phoebe talks in the kitchen on the phone.)
Phoebe: Okay, bye! (She places the phone on the kitchen table) Okay, well, I’ve told Grandma and Frank Jnr has received a letter. Apparently he thought it was from Reader’s Digest.
Ross: What about Ursula?
Phoebe: What about her?
(The phone suddenly rings. Phoebe picks it up and instantly talks.)
Phoebe: Hi, Ursula. (The gang all look at her) Hang on! (She puts the phone on hold and turns to the gang) Twin thing. (She goes back on the phone.) What’s up, Ursula? (Pause) Yes, I received one too. (Pause) No! I don’t think it’s a joke! (Pause) Why would Candid Camera do that? (Pause) Well, it would be a pretty sick come back special! (Pause) Okay I’ll see you there! Bye!
(She puts the phone down.)
Phoebe: Right, everyone is coming. It’ll be like a Buffay Reunion. OOH, Monica, you could do a buffet for the Buffay’s.
(She laughs.)
Rachel: I have to admit, Pheebs, you’re taking this very well.
Phoebe: Well, it’s like this. My father is dead, but I’m finding it difficult to be sad about someone I don’t know. I know that sounds evil but it’s true. I mean, I know nothing about this man. I know his name and that’s it. However, maybe it’s best that I never know him. I mean, who knows why he left me, Mom, Ursula and Frank. If I had to know I’m sure I would have been told by now.
(She walks over to the gang and Ross stands up and hugs her.)
Int. Restaurant. Night.
(Barker, Stu and Joey are sat around eating. Joey has calmed down, but he’s still a little nervous about having to sit next to Stu.)
Barker: So, the idea is that two British guys come to America as part of a transfer scheme and get involved in all kinds of high jinx!
Joey: Jinx?
Stu: My God! The fool doesn’t even understand the word "Jinx"!
Joey: Hey, I never said I didn’t understand it. I just mean, what does Mr Barker class as "Jinx".
Barker: Well, we’d be looking at surreal jinx. Y’know, stoned restaurant owners, horny parents, pet penguins etc.
Joey: Well, it sounds great.
Barker: That’s because it is. You are certainly honoured when I tell you that as part of your job you will be sent to England (He pronounces it "Eng-a-land") to soak up the atmosphere before being shipped to LA to write some good scripts.
Joey: I’m sorry, England!
Barker: That’s right. You’ll have to understand England before you can write about it. Y’know, eat fish and chips, laugh at homeless people and watch cable that has only forty channels.
Stu: Forty channels? Is that all. What are these people? Savages?
Barker: No, British.
(Both Barker and Stu shudder.)
Int. Central Perk. Day.
(The gang are all there including Bonnie. Joey walks in. Chandler sits up.)
Chandler: Where’ve you been, man?
Ross: Yeah, no one’s seen you since your dinner last night.
Joey: I got up early to go think.
Chandler: Look, I know I’ve joked about it taking a long time but, Joey, half a day!
Joey: Chandler! I’m serious! I’ve been asked to help write a sit-com.
(Everyone congratulates him.)
Joey: Wait! Wait! There’s a catch!
Chandler: Why has everyone’s good news so far had a catch?
Joey: I have to go to England for six months.
Monica: Where?
Joey: (Honestly) England. It’s this country in Europe. Apparently we helped them in this big war and everything.
Monica: I know that. I mean, why have you got to go?
Joey: It’ll help me to come up with some ideas before I have to go to LA.
Everyone: LA?
Joey: I know!
Phoebe: But Joey, if you go to England you won’t be here and Rachel won’t be here and then it’ll just be me, Monica, Ross, Chandler. I mean, we’ll have Bonnie, but it won’t be the same. We’ll all be sat there and we’ll be like "Oh, remember when Chandler got bit by that Peacock!". And we’ll be all like "Oh, yeah!" and Bonnie will be like "No!". We’ll have to explain and it’ll take forever.
Bonnie: Pheebs, it’s okay! You’ve told me that story.
Phoebe: Have I?
Bonnie: Yeah.
Chandler: Thanks Pheebs.
Phoebe: Oh, that’s okay! Joey, you can go. Oh, wait, no! You can’t go! We’ll be one Joey less.
Joey: I have to. This is my chance to make big. To be more famous then when I was Drake Ramorey.
Ross: But, what about Chandler?
Chandler: Oh right, yeah, because Chandler needs help to go to the bathroom!
Ross: Sorry.
Chandler: Yeah, well, when Joey moves out I’ll have a new room mate.
Joey: Aw, man! Not Eddie!
Chandler: NO!! Woah, no! (Happily) Janice!
Joey: What?
Chandler: I’m gonna ask Janice to marry me.
Joey: Woah! You’re gonna ask Janice to marry you!
Chandler: (Irritated) Is there something with that?
Rachel: But Chandler it’s JANICE!
Chandler: Yes! I know! Beautiful, sweet Janice. Look, you were all okay for her to be my girlfriend, but the minute things start to get serious between me and her you all saying (He thinks ) it’s not okay!
Rachel: Chandler! We just don’t want to see you get hurt.
Chandler: Hurt how? Rachel, this is my soul mate. We connect. There’s something there. She makes me laugh. I make her laugh. It’ll be great.
(Everyone looks reluctant.)
Joey: Hey, look! If our friend Chandler wants to marry someone the we should be happy for him. It’s not as if we’re experts on marriage. I’m never with the same woman for longer then a day. Ross, you married a lesbian. Phoebe, a gay guy. Rachel, you ran out on your wedding and as for Monica...
(Monica looks at him harshly.)
Joey: (Unnerved) You have yourself a good day. I’m not gonna be here soon. I want to know that when I go you guys aren’t arguing over silly things like who wants to marry who.
(Everyone apologises.)
Chandler: Thanks man!
Joey: It’s okay! (Whispering to Chandler) But you promise me she won’t move in till I’m gone.
Chandler: Consider it done.
Bonnie: So, how are you going to propose?
Chandler: Well, we’re going to "Hugh’s" tonight. When she’s distracted I’m gonna put the ring in her mousse and then she’ll take a spoonful and.....
Int. Emergency Room of a hospital. Night.
(Chandler is sat arms folded in a busy waiting room)
Chandler: She’ll end up in ER.
(A doctor (George Clooney) walks up to Chandler.)
Mitchell: Mr Bing?
Chandler: (Eager) Yeah!
Mitchell: Hi, I’m Dr. Mitchell
(They shake hands.)
Chandler: Is she gonna be okay?
Mitchell: Yes, she’s gonna be fine. You were right to give her the heimlich manoeuvre.
Chandler: Actually I just let some big fat guy punch her till she stopped choking.
(Janice walks over to them. She sound a bit croaky when she talks.)
Janice: Hello, Chandler Bing.
Chandler: Hi, Janice.
Mitchell: Well, I leave you two alone.
(Dr. Mitchell walks off. Just imagine how much money NBC would have spent on Clooney for that one scene! The couple sit down.)
Chandler: Are you okay?
Janice: I am now, but that restaurant is gonna pay big time. Imagine putting a diamond ring in some mousse.
(She holds up the ring. Chandler cringes.)
Janice: I’m lucky I didn’t die!
Chandler: (Uncomfortable) Um, Janice? I put I the ring in the mousse.
Janice: You did? Why?
(Chandler takes the ring off Janice and gets on one knee.)
Chandler: I know this isn’t the right place and everything, but will you marry me?
Janice: Marry you?
Chandler: Yes.
Janice: Yes!! Yes, I will!!
(Chandler stands up and they hug and kiss.)
Janice: (Close to tears) Oh, this will be my ring-a-ding from my Bing-a-ding-a-linga.
Chandler: Okay, but you can never call me that again outside of this hospital.
Int. An office. Day.
(It’s a legal office. There are various diplomas everywhere. There are also several seats place around the desk in the centre of the room. Phoebe and Monica enter.)
Phoebe: (Looking around) Can you believe it? Chandler getting married.
Monica: I know. I’m just as shocked as you are.
Phoebe: This is a pretty serious office. The air is so tense. Thanks for coming with me.
Monica: That’s okay! I better go outside. This is family business.
Phoebe: Oh, please wait a little bit longer.
Monica: Okay.
(Frank Jnr and Alice enter the room. Frank is wearing a dinner jacket over a Pearl Jam T-shirt and a scruffy pair of Levi’s.)
Phoebe: Frank.
Frank: Hey, Sis!
(They hug.)
Alice: How are you, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Um, fine, Alice. It’s all a little bit weird for me to take in, y’know. It’s like lose father, lose mother, lose funny man in car who talks to his hand, find brother, find sister-in-law. Then all of a sudden my life has to go out on a tangent. It’s like, "here’s your father. Oh, by the way he’s decomposing"!
Frank: (Getting upset) Oh yeah, man! You never got to meet him. that’s like (Sobs) a bummer.
(He bursts out crying. Phoebe hugs him.)
Phoebe: Don’t cry.
(Frank suddenly snaps out of his remorse.)
Frank: Oh, okay! So, er, do you think reckon he’s gonna leave us anything? Like a circus or somethin’?
Alice: Oh, I don’t think so, dear.
Frank: Yeah, perhaps it’ll just be an elephant.
(Ursula enters the room. She has on an apron and is carrying a tray.)
Ursula: Hello Phoebe.
Phoebe: (Coldly) Ursula.
Ursula: Hello, Monica.
Monica: Hi.
Ursula: (To Frank and Alice) And you are?
Phoebe: Ursula, this is your half-brother and wife. I’ve probably introduced you to him like a million times.
Ursula: Oh, is this him? I thought he was your pet monkey. Y’know like Ross’.
Phoebe: So, er, why the apron and tray.
Ursula: Oh, I was serving a table when I realised that I had to be here. So, er, this reading had better hurry up or else table 24 aren’t gonna get their chicken fajitas.
Int. Chandler and Joey’s. Afternoon.
(The gang are all there except for Phoebe and Monica. Janice is cuddling Chandler. Bonnie is getting romantic with Ross. (Cute couple, huh?))
Rachel: So, Monica’s big party in 12 days. Everyone looking forward to it.
Joey: Yeah, but it’s gonna be really sad.
Rachel: I know, it’s gonna be hard splitting up.
Joey: It’s not that. I mean, four years and I never saw you naked. Chandler gets a look, but do I? Noooooooooooooooo!
Rachel: Thank you, Joey.
Ross: So, Janice, what’s it like to be engaged to Chandler Bing. You got the divorce papers prepared yet.
(Janice lets out her laugh.)
Janice: Oh no! We’re not splitting up now, are we Chandler Bing?
Chandler: We’re certainly not, Janice Bing.
(They both laugh and then rub noses.)
Joey: (Disgust) Blech!
Chandler: Sorry?
Joey: Um, Blech...ula! Y’know, that vampire film with the black guy in it. Great film!
(He turns his back on Chandler and cringes.)
(Phoebe and Monica walk in. Well, correction. Monica walks in carrying Phoebe. They’re the same clothes they were wearing at the office. Ross gets up. and helps Phoebe down into his chair.)
Ross: What happened?
Monica: We’ve been to the lawyers.
Chandler: And you’ve finally won custody over Phoebe’s aura.
Phoebe: (Viscously) HAHA! (She clams down as Chandler jumps back) I’ve been given $ 1 million.
Everyone: WHAT!
Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh. It turns out my Dad had won the state lottery where he lived and he became like this recluse and closet millionaire guy.
Joey: That’s weird!
Chandler: Oh and Phoebe having past lives, living with her Grandma, having an evil twin, a doped up half brother and a forty year old sister in law isn’t?
Phoebe: Anyway, before the will reading my Dad requested that all his goods be sold and that the money be shared equally between me, Ursula and Frank Jnr. The total cost, $3 million.
Bonnie: Well, what are you going to do with it?
Phoebe: Well, keep it in a bank for now. Then I’ll give half to charity and I’ll keep the rest, I guess.
Joey: Wow! This great! We know an actual millionaire.
Monica: What about Peter?
Joey: Okay. We know an actual millionaire who doesn’t want to get spread across a canvas.
Phoebe: But what am I going to do with this money? I can’t keep it. What would I do with it?
Monica: You’ll think of something.
(Janice whispers something in Chandler’s ear.)
Chandler: Oh yeah. Um, guys, I gotta tell you all something. Um, Janice and I are getting married tomorrow.
Ross: Tomorrow?!
Janice: Yeah, we’re going to Las Vegas!
Joey: But what about us? We won’t be able to come. I’m still sorting out my baggage and stuff.
Chandler: I know. Joey, I wanted you to be best man, but we wanted to get married as quickly as possible and so I booked the tickets before I found out about your job. The plan is that we go to Las Vegas, get married and spend the rest of the honeymoon shooting craps.
Janice: Then buy crap with our craps.
Joey looks a bit downhearted.
Chandler: But look, we’ll tape it. Joey, Rachel we’ll send you a copy.
Janice: We’re not trying to exclude you Joey. We just want to get married as quickly as possible and in somewhere as glamorous as Las Vegas. VIVA LAS VEGAS!
(Both Chandler and Janice laugh while the rest of the gang look at Joey whose bottom lip is wobbling, comically.)
Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Day.
(The gang are all there except for Chandler, Janice and Bonnie. Phoebe is looking a pad and scribbling things down.)
Rachel: So, Ross! I’ve, er, not seen Bonnie for a while. You two broken up?
(Monica gives her an evil glare.)
Ross: No! She’s told me she’s been really busy at present. She won’t say what with. Pheebs, do you know?
Phoebe: No. Ooh, wait, I could buy Boris Yeltsin.
(The gang look at her.)
Phoebe: You know with my money. I could sober him up. Make him look after Russia properly. Maybe not.
(She scribbles something out. Chandler and Janice burst in carrying suitcases and a paper bag. Joey looks up at them expectantly.)
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: We’re going now!
Joey: Oh.
Janice: Good-byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
(Rachel gets up and walks over to Chandler. She hugs him, taking him by surprise.)
Rachel: I’m gonna miss you.
Chandler: I’m gonna miss you too.
Rachel: (Getting upset) You better send me a video.
Chandler: And you better send me gift vouchers.
Rachel: (Weak laugh) Consider it done. I love you, Chandler.
(They hug again.)
Chandler: I love you.
(They separate.)
Rachel: And I forgive you for seeing my breasts.
Chandler: And I forgive you for sexually assaulting me in the bathroom last new year.
Rachel: (Shocked) That was you! I thought it was Ross!
Chandler: Same difference.
(Chandler turns to Joey. Joey lets out a weak smile. He gets up and walks over to Chandler.)
Chandler: Hey man!
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: You still going to England?
Joey: Yep. You still getting married?
Chandler: Yep.
(Joey gives Chandler a brief hug. He, then, hands him a brown paper parcel.)
Joey: I got you something.
(Chandler opens the parcel. It’s a book.)
Chandler: (Reading) "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas". Very clever. Thanks Man.
Joey: It was Ross’ idea. Oh, It’s signed.
Chandler: (Surprised) Really? Cool!
(He opens the book to the front page and reads.)
Chandler: "All the best. Joey Tribbiani." (Pause) Joey, you signed this.
Joey: Yeah, well, in a coupla years time, my show will take off and that signature is gonna be worth something.
Chandler: (Smiling) Yeah! Thanks. I got you something too.
(Chandler takes out a manuscript from the brown paper bag and hands it to Joey.)
Joey: (Reading) "An American werewolf in London". (A look of shock spread his face as he flicks through it) Wow! this, this is a real manuscript.
Chandler: I know!
Joey: Chandler, this musta cost you a bomb.
Chandler: (Grimacing; yet smiling) I know.
Joey: Aw, thanks man.
Chandler: It’s okay! Well, we better go. (Him and Janice begin to walk to the door. They stop and Chandler turns to the gang) I’ll see you guys in two weeks. Rachel, Joey, good luck!
(He turns to go out the door. Rachel bursts out crying. Joey runs up to chandler and hugs him from behind, like he did in "TOW Joey moves out".)
Chandler: See ya, man!
Joey: (Comically high) See ya!
Chandler goes to move off. Joey has still got hold of him.
Chandler: Joey, let go.
Joey: No.
(Joey wraps his legs around Chandler. This leaves Chandler with only one option. He leaves the flat carrying two cases and a Joey back pack. Janice goes to leave. She stops and turns to the gang.)
Janice: Thank you. Thank you for not hating me.
(She quietly shuts the door. Rachel carries on crying. Ross gets up and holds her. )
Chandler: (OS) Joey let go!
Joey: (Child like) NO!
Phoebe: Oooh, I could bribe Gunther to give us free coffee.
(The gang look at her)
Phoebe: What? Too generous?
Int. Central Perk. Day.
(The gang (Now consisting of Joey, Rachel, Ross, Bonnie, Phoebe and Monica) are all there, except for Joey.)
Rachel: This is so weird. It’s been like four days. There’s no Chandler. There’s no wise cracks.
Ross: Or emphasis on the word "be".
Phoebe: Ooh, how about this? (She holds up a milk jug) Could this milk be any more dairy.
(Everyone laughs.)
Monica: It’s close, but it’s not him.
Phoebe: Ooh, I could buy someone to pretend to be him.
(Joey walks in.)
Ross: Hi Joey.
Joey: (Depressed) Hi
Ross: What’s up?
Joey: Nothing! I’m just not use to having Chandler around the place. Also, there’s some bad news about my job.
Monica: That’s a big nothing you got going there.
Bonnie: What’s the bad news, Joey?
Joey: The guy I’m supposed to be writing with has had a nervous breakdown. It’s a long story involving a Daschund or something. I don’t know. Anyway, if they can’t find another writer who’s willing to go to London then I can’t go. They’ve got all the papers sorted out. They just need that extra signature.
Monica: Aw, Joey I’m sorry.
(She gets up and hugs him. He whispers something in her ear.)
Monica: No! I’m not sorry enough to flash you.
Int. Chandler and Joey’s. Night.
(The apartment is pitch black and there are no lights on which makes it worse. The front door opens and Joey walks in. He switches on the light. As soon as he does one of the recliners spins around to face him. There’s a figure sitting in it. Joey screams.. The figure screams.)
Joey: Chandler!
Chandler: Hi.
Joey: What are you doing here? What happened to Las Vegas?
Chandler: Well, Joey. It sucked. It was like having my own manhood being stomped on by a herd of wildebeest.
Joey: So, er, it was good?
Chandler: Nooo!
Joey: What happened?
Chandler: Janice....left me.
Joey: What?
Chandler: She doesn’t want to marry me.
(Joey sits down in the other recliner.)
Joey: What happened?
Chandler: Well, we were somewhere near Circus Circus and I remember saying something like "Are you okay?" and as she gulped down her sixth martini in a half hour, she said "Yeah." Looking back on it the sudden love for alcohol should have been my first clue.. Anyway, (he stands up . He walks around the room as he talks) then came the wedding. Man, it was great! We had like a 12 piece choir and a Robert De Niro look-a-like for our priest.
Joey: Cool.
Chandler: I said my vows and then came her turn. She looked at me and I remember this part distinctly because had I been eating pumpkin pie then (He simulates vomiting) Bobby would have been wearing it a as mud pack. She turned to me and said (He struggles at this next bit) "I, I don’t want to marry you.".
Joey: What? Why?
Chandler: She says it was too soon for her to make a commitment to someone else after her husband. That’s all I got out of her before she left.
Joey: Well, have you honed her since you got back?
Chandler: Yeah. Her answering machine picked up. She’s on her way to her mother in Ohio. I just don’t get it. I put my trust in someone and she leaves me at the altar. I mean, am I Barry the Orthodontist? Do I look like Homer Simpson?
Joey: (Smiling) You do when you do that voice?
Chandler: Joey!
Joey: Sorry.
Chandler: Is there some reason as to why she didn’t want to marry me?
Joey: I don’t know.
Chandler: (Almost begging) Yes, you do! Make em feel better!
Joey: (Standing up) Chandler, I can’t. I don’t know why she left you. It happens. Perhaps she was telling the truth. Perhaps it was too soon. She had just got divorced and decided she loved you. Chandler, you were probably a rebound.
Chandler: No! No! I am not a rebound. I am unable to be rebound off. I am completely reboundless. Man, I was going to be a husband. I was going to be a step-dad.
Joey: Man, I’m sorry.
Chandler: (Looking out of the window) I hate this place.
Joey: You don’t mean that.
Chandler: Yes, yes I do. I’ve never had a decent relationship since I’ve been here. If it’s not Janice, it’s Ginger or that women that use to moo during sex.
(Joey bursts out laughing.)
Chandler: (Hurt) Joey.
Joey: Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just I remember Daisy.
Chandler: Joey, please.
Joey: I’m sorry. Look, if your that determined to leave New York. Why don’t you come with me?
Chandler: To England?
Joey: Then LA. My partner had a nervous breakdown and they really need a a second writer and no-one else is available.
Chandler: Yeah, but...
Joey: Don’t worry about all the paperwork. NBC will sort that out.
Chandler: No, I mean, I’m not a writer.
(Joey laughs.)
Joey: Hell, neither am I. Come with me Chandler. (Scottish Accent) It’ll be greeeat!
(The camera focuses on Chandler.)
Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Night.
(The gang are all there apart from Joey, Chandler and Bonnie. They are all preparing for the big party. There are balloons up and streamers. Everyone is in their best clothes. "Video Killed the Radio Star" by Buggles is playing in the background. Chandler and Joey burst into the room. They’re also dressed up and carrying a big bag.)
Chan/Joey: We’re going to England, Baby!
Monica: Yes! As you’ve told us for the 20th time.
Chandler: (English Accent) I’m sorry. Are we annoying you?
Ross: No., but those accents are being to grate.
Joey: (English accent) I’m sorry old chap.
(The two friends burst out laughing. The phone rings. Phoebe picks it up.)
Phoebe: Monica and Rachel’s.(Pause) Oh, hi. (Pause) Yeah, he’s here. Hang on. (To Ross) Ross, it’s for you. It’s Bonnie.
(Ross takes the phone off Phoebe. He turns his back to us and so we can’t hear him.)
Monica: (To Chandler) You guys are really looking forward to England aren’t you?
Chandler: Oh yes.
Joey: Check it out.
(Joey reaches into the bag and pulls out two bowler hats and two black umbrellas. Chandler takes one of each.)
Monica: Oh my god!
Chandler: So what do you think?
Rachel: It’s like looking at the John Cleese twins.
(Ross puts the phone down.)
Ross: I’ve got to go for a minute.
Rachel: Why? What’s up?
Ross: Oh, nothing. It’s just that Bonnie wants to talk to me before she comes. So, I’ll see you all later.
(He walks up to Rachel and kisses her on the cheek.)
Ross: Don’t go to Chicago without me.
Rachel: I won’t.
(Ross leaves.)
(Time lapse:- The party is now in full swing. People are dancing. Joey and Chandler have still got their bowler hats on. Gunther comes dancing up to Monica who is stood in the kitchen. The last third of Fun Lovin’ Criminals "Scooby Snacks" is playing in the background.)
Gunther: Hey, Monica.
Monica: Hi, Gunther.
Gunther: Great party!
Monica: Thanks.
Gunther: Hey, you never said what this party was for.
Monica: Oh, well, Joey, Chandler and Rachel are leaving New York. Y’see, Joey and Chand.....
Gunther: (Interrupting) Sorry? Rachel’s leaving.
Monica: Yeah. She’s off to Chicago.
Gunther: (Suddenly depressed) Oh. Excuse me.
(He begins to walk to the front door.)
Monica: Where are you going?
Gunther: Somewhere to weep. THINK! I mean, somewhere to think.
(He leaves the flat. As he opens the door, Ross walks in. He looks pretty down-trodden Gunther gives him a grunted hello. Ross repeats the greeting. Gunther leaves. Monica walks up to Ross.)
Monica: Hey, Ross. Where’s Bonnie?
(Ross mumbles something incomprehensible before walking past her towards Rachel’s room. Rachel, who has watched him enter, follows him.)
Int. Rachel’s bedroom. Night.
(Most of Rachel’s room has been packed away into cardboard boxes. Ross is sat on the bed with his back to the door. Rachel walks in. Fun Lovin’ Criminals has made way for REM’s "Bang and Blame".)
Rachel: Ross?
(Ross doesn’t reply. Rachel walks over to him and taps him on the shoulder.)
Rachel: Ross, sweetie?
(She puts her hand on his shoulder and he shrugs it off.)
Rachel: What’s wrong?
Ross: (Mumbling) Nothing.
Rachel: Ross...
(Ross suddenly turns to look at her. His eyes are red from held back tears.)
Ross: Bonnie’s left me.
Rachel: (Shocked) I’m sorry.
Ross: Yeah, sure.
(Rachel sits down on the bed.)
Rachel: No really. I am. Why did she go?
Ross: Well, er, she, er, got a new job.
Rachel: Where?
Ross: Boston.
Rachel: Wow! So, she’s left you for a new job in Boston.
Ross: Not really.
Rachel: Sorry.
Ross: When I got to her apartment she was sat on the couch surrounded by her luggage. She told me that she had had a job offer in Boston. She said she wanted me to go with her.
Rachel: What did you say?
Ross: I said I couldn’t. I had too much here. My family, the guys, Ben, you...She yelled at me and left in a taxi. As far as I know, she’s probably at the a bus station getting an earlier bus.
Rachel: Oh, Ross I’m sorry. You two were great together.
Ross: Really? Y’think?
Rachel: Yes, I do. So, what are you going to do?
Ross: I don’t know. Bonnie said that if I ever changed my mind then I could meet her in Boston. I think I might go when you leave.
Rachel: What about work?
Ross: I’ll have to arrange some sort of leave and if not I’ll quit.
Rachel: You don’t have to do that.
Ross: What do you suggest?
Rachel: You could come with me.
Ross: To Chicago?
Rachel: (Hopeful) yeah.
(Ross begins to walk around the room. He’s obviously flustered.)
Ross: Um, I, um, I, um, I, um, I, um....
Rachel: Ross.
Ross: Um, I, um.
Rachel: Ross, you’re doing that "um" thing again.
Ross: Looks at her.
Ross: I...
Rachel: Yes?
Ross: Um...
Rachel: Ross! Do you want to come with me, or do you want to pin all your hopes on Bonnie taking you back?
(Ross puts his arms on Rachel’s shoulders. Rachel smiles.)
Ross: I’m...
Rachel: Yes.
Ross: I’m going, er, going to go to Boston and find Bonnie.
(The audience gasps, Rachel gasps. She slaps Ross across the face. Ross pulls back.)
Ross: Ow! What the..
Rachel: How dare you!
Ross: How dare I what?
Rachel: Lead me on like that.
Ross: What?!
Rachel: First you try to get my attention with that present on my birthday. (Ross tries to interrupt throughout this speech.) Then you go out with that Julie. Then when we start going out with each other you cheat on me. Now you do this to me. Ross, when will you wake up and realise that I have feelings?
(Ross has had enough.)
Ross: Rachel, don’t give me that crap!
(Rachel is taken aback.)
Ross: I’ve never done anything that I thought would hurt you.
Rachel: What about the Xerox girl?
Ross: What about her? Rachel, we have got to the stage where can be friends and be with each other without arguing. Now, how can I still be friends with you if you won’t let the past go. Rachel, it’s over between us. It’s taken me a long, hard time to realise that, but I have. Why can’t you? Our friendship is still there. Rachel, don’t ruin it by bringing up the past and trying to make a drama out of a crisis that isn’t there.
Rachel: But we’re meant to be together.
Ross: No, we’re not.
Rachel: yes, we are.
Ross: No, Rachel. No, we are not.
(There’s a silence.)
Rachel: Ross, I love you.
Ross: And I love you, Rachel.
(Rachel smiles weakly.)
Rachel: But...
Ross: But I’m IN love with Bonnie.
Rachel: I know. God, I know.
Ross: Choosing between you and Bonnie was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I never want to have to make that choice again.
Rachel: I don’t think Bonnie would ever ask you to.
(There’s a silence again. Suddenly, the music in the background stops.)
Monica: (OS) Okay, okay, smoochy time. Everyone get a partner.
Chandler: (OS) Joey, you’re mine.
Joey:(OS) Okay, but no tongues.
(Ross and Rachel laugh. U2’ "With or Without You" begins to play. Ross looks at Rachel and holds out his arms.)
Ross: Care to dance.
(They hold each other close and dance.)
Rachel: I’m gonna miss you.
Ross: I’m gonna miss you too.
Rachel: Listen, I was wondering and don’t let my intense vulnerability be any kid of a factor. I was wondering if I could phone you now and the when you’re in Boston.
Ross: (Smiling) Yeah.
(Silence.)
Rachel: Maybe I will.
(They continue to dance as we pull away and fade out.)
Int. Chandler and Joey’s apartment. Day.
(The apartment is completely empty. Except for Chandler and Joey standing in the middle of the room with suitcases. They pick them up and walk out.)
Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Day.
(Chandler and Joey walk into the apartment. The rest of the gang are there. Ross has a large sports bag with him and Rachel has a matching luggage set.)
Chandler: We’re gonna go soon.
Joey: We’re off to England,(He let’s a sigh) baby.
(Monica begins to cry. Chandler puts down his luggage and gives her a hug. Joey walks up to Rachel.)
Joey: (To Chandler) Ready?
Chandler: (Looking up from hug) Yep.
(Joey gives Rachel a full kiss. Chandler does the same to Monica. Chandler then moves onto Phoebe and Joey goes on to Monica. Finally, Joey goes over to Phoebe and Chandler to Rachel.)
Chandler: I have always wanted to do that.
Joey: I know.
(They high five each other. Everyone lets out a laugh.)
Phoebe: Well, if that’s the rule.
(She turns to face Ross and kisses him.)
Ross: (Laughing) Do you mind? I have a girlfriend.
Phoebe: Oh, Bonnie and I share everything.
Monica: I can’t believe we’re not gonna see each other anymore.
Ross: We will, we will.
Chandler: Yeah, we just won’t be able to go to the coffee house as much.
Joey: (Upset) This is like the last episode of "Saved By The Bell".
(The buzzer goes.)
Chandler: Okay, that’s our limo. Time to go.
Joey: Bye guys.
(They pick up their bags and walk out.)
Rachel: I’ve got to get going to.
Phoebe: What about you Ross?
Ross: I’m not going yet, but, Rachel, I’ll give you a lift to the, er, airport. I rented a car.
Rachel: That’d be nice.
Joey: (OS; Distant) Good bye!!!!!
(The gang all run onto the balcolny and look down.)
Ext. Outside the apartment. Day.
(We see Joey and Chandler just coming out of the apartment block. Chandler gets into the limo, but Joey stands next to it waving. After a while, Chandler’s arm comes out of the limo and pulls Joey in. The limo drives off.)
Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Night.
(Monica and Phoebe are the only ones left. Phoebe comes in from the bathroom. Monica is sat at the kitchen table.)
Phoebe: How are you doin’?
Monica: Fine.
Phoebe: You look a bit down.
Monica: It’s just the fact that everyone has gone and we’re stuck here, doing nothing.
Phoebe sits down.
Phoebe: Well, let’s do something.
Monica: Like what?
Phoebe: A road trip.
Monica: (Laughing) Yeah, sure.
Phoebe: No really.
Monica: Really?
Phoebe: Yeah, why not? It’s not like I don’t have the money. I mean, what with like the fact that I do!
Monica: (Unsure) Um, but my job...
Phoebe: Screw your job.
Monica: (Shocked) Phoebe!
Phoebe: Well, I’m sorry, but look at you. Your sitting on your was big, but now well proportioned ass, complaining about how everyone is doing something different and the minute I suggest something you go "Oh, what about my job?". Now, do you want to go on this road trip or not?
Monica: (Quietly) Okay.
Phoebe: I can’t hear you. Sound off like you got a pair.
Monica: (Standing) SIR, YES, SIR!
Phoebe: Good! Now go and pack your bags.
(Monica runs into her room.)
Phoebe : God, I’m good.
(She starts hewing her hair. Suddenly she looks up, as if right at us. )
Phoebe: Okay, you can go now. We’re done.
Fade to black
Phoebe: (OS) Go on! Go!
(REM’s "Shiny Happy people" come on over the darkness. A Polaroid appears on the screen. It shows a picture of Joey and Chandler looking a little older with their arms around each other. They are both wearing suits and holding an emmy. A super imposed caption comes o the screen. It’s written in the same font as the "Friends" logo.)
Caption: Chandler and Joey’s sitcom struck a cord with a heart of America and Europe and won them an Emmy. However, their second sit-com didn’t go so well. It’s as if the world was not ready for "One Man and His WENUS".
(Polaroid changes to that of Joey and a woman. They are all over each other.)
Caption: Joey wet onto marry the producer of "One Man and His WENUS". The had twelve kids together. Joey would be found dead at the age of 98 after having a heart attack during....y’know!
(Polaroid changes to Chandler with a woman. They are hugging as well, but there appears to be something more sweet between them. Chandler ha a satisfied smile o his face.)
Caption: Chandler met a woman called Sarah, who had been through all the problems he had. They vowed they would never get married, but promised to stay together for the rest of their lives. Together they wrote a best selling book for children called "Everything you wanted to know about divorce, but were too afraid to ask."
(Polaroid changes to Phoebe and Monica in a car. They are in a kind of "Thelma and Louise" pose in a red convertible.)
Caption: Monica and Phoebe’s road trip lasted a month before Monica decided that she just couldn’t last another minute without her apartment. Phoebe moved into Joey and Chandler’s flat after her Grandma died. She continues to look for her mother. Two years after the gang left Monica found the man of her dreams and they married in 2000.
(The Polaroid changes into two separate Polaroid’s. One photo holds a picture of Ross and one holds a photo of Rachel.)
Caption: Ross and Rachel went their separate ways. Ross went to live with Bonnie in Boston and Rachel went to Chicago. They kept in touch and occasionally visited each other. On Monica’s wedding they introduced each other to their spouses and Rachel met Ross’ three month year old daughter also named Rachel.
(The Polaroid’s disappear and are replaced with a big Polaroid featuring Ross and Rachel with their arms around each other. Phoebe and Monica stand next to them. Monica is wearing her wedding dress. Joey and Chandler are stood in the background wearing silly glasses and Groucho Marx moustaches background pulling faces. Rachel is holding baby Rachel. )
(The screen fades to black ad the music stops.)
Caption: And what about Gunther........
Int. Central Perk. Night.
(CU of Gunther. )
Gunther: Rachel, I love you....What you love me too.... I knew you did.... Oh, Rachel.
We pull back and see Gunther sat on the couch talking to a dummy that has Rachel’s photo pasted on the head. He puts the dummy’s arm around him. He look around ad the places his hand on the thigh of the dummy.
THE END
I hoped you enjoyed that. I admit it’s probably not to everyone’s taste, but I like it. If you really feel strongly about what I’ve done then you are very welcome to write some sort of sequel just as long as it keeps in the boundaries of the Polaroid’s. Any probs send me an email to upton@mcmail.com
DEDICATED TO...
ANTHONY MCBETH AND MATTHEW BARKER = BECAUSE EVERYONE NEEDS A JOEY AND A HANDLER IN THEIR LIFE. ALSO, BECAUSE MATT KEPT HIS MOUTH SHUT WHEN EVER I MENTIONED FAN FIC AND ANTHONY DOESN’T TAKE THE PISS BECAUSE I LIKE KORN.
JENI = WELL, BECAUSE....
KERRY = "IS IT GETTING BETTER, OR DO YOU FEEL THE SAME" - U2
WILBUR = BECAUSE HE PROBABLY THINK THIS SCRIPT IS ABOUT HIM AND KERRY
AND NOT FORGETTING JESSICA = BECAUSE NOT ONLY DID SHE TAKE EVERY SCRIPT I GAVE HER WITHOUT QUESTION, BUT SHE ALSO ALLOWED SOMEONE SHE DIDN’T KNOW THAT WELL WRITE HER IN AS A STRIPPER IN HIS FIRST SCRIPT. DUDE!
SEE YA.
"AND LIKE THAT. HE WAS GONE."