The One With the Kickboxing

Written by: Jennifer

(Scene: Central Perk. Monica is sitting in the chair on the right, Phoebe and Joey are on the couch and Chandler is in the other chair. Phoebe is practicing a song.)

Phoebe: "And all the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty together again." Hey, I just wrote the best song! It's about this guy, who's really an egg, and he falls off this wall...

Monica: Humpty Dumpty?

Phoebe: (thinks this over for a minute) Dammit!

Ross: (entering) Hi, is Rachel here?

Chandler: (staring next to Phoebe at an empty space) Rachel, we told you not to experiment with that invisible cream, didn't we?!

Ross: Okay, I was just wondering because I'm meeting Emily here in a few minutes.

Monica: So what are you trying to do? Just avoid Rachel so you never have to tell her that you're not speaking to her anymore?

Ross: So that wouldn't work?

Phoebe: Ross, just be a man!

Joey: Yea, but Pheebs, he's doing what a man would do: Stay away from Rachel until she's so mad, she's not talking to him!

Chandler: Yea, he's right.

Ross: Yea.

Phoebe: Come on, Ross! You're...Dinosaur Man! You have to be better than these Neanderthals..ooh! ooh! (Everyone looks at her) Dinosaur...Neanderthals...(they all stare)...forget it! (to Monica) Is that egg thing really already a song? (Monica nods.)

Ross: What can I do? I mean, just go up to her, "Hey, hey, Rach, so, I'm not, um, talking to you anymore." I don't think that would go over well.

Chandler: Look you said that Rachel told you to do whatever Emily wants so maybe she won't be mad.

Phoebe: (singing) "Little BoPeep has lost her sheep, and doesn't know where..."

Monica: Pheebs? Again...(Phoebe sighs.)

(Opening Credits)

(Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Monica is cleaning the sink. Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: Hi.

Rachel: So...

Monica: So...what?

Rachel: So, did Emily come?

Monica: Oh, yea, she's here.

Rachel: Oh, that is so great! You know, later I wanna go over there, you know, just to clear the air between us and everything, make sure there's no hard feelings.

Monica: No, you, you can't!

Rachel: Why?

Monica: Because of, umm...kickboxing!

Rachel: What?

Monica: Yea, Phoebe signed us up. We have to go tonight otherwise...otherwise Phoebe loses $100.

Rachel: Why...

Monica: I don't know why!! That's the way it is!

Rachel: Okay, so we'll get a cab early, stop by Ross' and then go.

Monica: No, we can't go to Ross' tonight! He's...remodeling.

Rachel: Remodeling?

Monica: Yea, a new...wall or something.

(Phoebe enters.)

Rachel: Pheebs, why did you sign us up for kickboxing?

Phoebe: (laughs hysterically) Kickboxing? Why would I sign you up for...(sees Monica's face) Oh! Oh! Kickboxing! Oh, yea, why did I...Mon? Remind me why I would do that.

Monica: Because you said we all have to get in shape for your birthday...in seven months. Remember?

Phoebe: Yes. Yes. I do remember saying that.

Monica: Also, you know, we can't go to Ross' because he's remodeling.

Phoebe: (catching on) Oh, no! We can NEVER go to Ross'! Never!

Rachel: Guys, come on. What's going on here?

Monica: (pushing Rachel toward her room) What's going on here is that..that I heard the guys saying that we were all getting a little...hefty.

Rachel: What?

Monica: Yea, and you know how crazy I am about my weight now. I don't wanna put on those pounds again. So, you get in there and pick out some good kickboxing clothes cause we are gonna sweat tonight, honey. (shoves her in and shuts the door)

Phoebe: Oh my God! What the hell did you tell her that for?

Monica: I don't know! She wanted to go talk to Emily! I had to think fast.

Phoebe: Well, now I gotta go sign us up! (leaves)

Monica: Pick a nice place!

Rachel: (poking her head out) What?

Monica: Don't wear anything with lace.

Rachel: Oh. (looks confused then goes back in)

(Scene: Ross'. Ross and Emily are sitting on the couch, drinking champagne.)

Emily: Ross, this is so nice. I'm so glad I came.

Ross: Yea, me too.

Emily: You know, I was thinking maybe tonight we could see that movie with Robin Williams.

Ross: Okay, sure.

Emily: Invite your friends, too. We didn't all get a chance to talk that much at the coffe shop.

Ross: Umm, what friends would that be?

Emily: Well, Chandler and Joey, Phoebe and your sister, Monica.

Ross: I can't...I can't invite some and not all.

Emily: Ross, we discussed this before I came...

Ross: I know, I know...but, we can't be with my friends and not be with her.

Emily: Alright. (Ross looks happy) Then we'll go just the two of us.

Ross: (letdown) Right. (phone rings) Hello?

Rachel: (in her room) Hey, it's me

Ross: (on phone) Hey, hey.

Rachel: Look I know I can't come over cause you're remodeling and everything (shot of Ross looking confused) but I just thought I should call and talk to Emily.

Ross: (on phone) Why, why, why would you need to do that?

Rachel: Just to straighten things out, you know, bury the hatchet or whatever.

Emily: Who is it?

Ross: (to Emily) It's, um, it's Chandler.

Rachel: What?

Ross: (on phone) Nothing. Look, now's not a good time...

Rachel: Did you tell her I was Chandler?

Ross: No...

Emily: Ask him if just he and Joey want to come.

Rachel: Why did you do that?

Ross: (to Emily) I can't do that.

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: (on phone, annoyed) Yea?

Rachel: Alright, look, you call me when you can be straight with me about what's going on, alright?

Ross: (on phone) Rac..(catches himself and starts singing)...indrops keep falling on my head...

Rachel: What?

Emily: What?

Ross: (on phone) Nothing. I will call you back.

Rachel: Good-bye, Ross. (hangs up)

Emily: What did he want?

Ross: He couldn't remember the first line to that song. (Emily looks confused.) The raindrops song? (she's still confused) It was for Joey.

Emily: Oh!

(Scene: Chandler and Joey's. Chandler and Joey are in their chairs. Monica is leaning on the back of Chandler's. They are staring at a fuzzy TV screen.)

Monica: No matter how much you stare, Joe, it's not gonna come on.

Joey: (sniffing) I want the porn!

Phoebe: (runs in) God, Monica! I was looking all over for you!

Monica: Where?

Phoebe: Across the hall. Hurry up and get dressed. We have to be there in like 20 minutes.

Chandler: Where?

Monica: Kickboxing.

(Chandler and Joey look at each other and laugh hysterically.)

Phoebe: What's so funny?

(They get up and pantomime a karate sequence, all the time laughing)

Monica: I'm not laughing.

Chandler: (stops and sits down) Sorry.

Joey: (still laughing) Why are you going to that?

Phoebe: Ask Monica!

Monica: Okay, Pheebs, what would you have said?

Phoebe: Well, what about country line dancing? (gasps) You KNOW I always wanted to do that, Monica!!

Monica: Sorry.

Rachel: (enters) I just got off the phone with Ross.

Monica: I told you not to call him. He's...(realizes how stupid she sounds)...remodeling.

Rachel: Well, I did, and he told Emily that I was Chandler. It was like he didn't want her to know he was talking to me.

Joey: Well, of course he didn't.

Rachel: What?

Joey: (trying to cover)...because, she thinks he changed the phone line to an English number so she'd feel more at home. So, if you called, she'd know he didn't...change it.

Rachel: Okay, you know what? Something is going on here.

Chandler: God, how could you possibly have picked up on that? (Joey looks sheepish)

Monica: Alright, look, sweetie this isn't gonna be easy for me to tell you...(Ross enters)...and it looks like I won't have to!

Ross: Hey, do you guys have candles here?

Joey: Why didn't you just buy them at a store near your apartment?

Ross: I didn't buy them in a store near my apartment because....(he thinks about this)...Shut up, Joey.

Rachel: Ross, can I talk to you outside?

Ross: Oh, sorry, I didn't call you back, I was, uh...

Rachel: That's okay, but can we talk?

Ross: (Chandler hands him the candles) Well, I really have to get back with these.

Rachel: You can't talk to me for five minutes?

Ross: (looks at her then shakes his head) No, sorry. Bye guys. (leaves)

Rachel: (on the verge of tears) Okay, what am I missing here? Did I do something horrible?

Monica: No...

Rachel: Well? Then, what is it? (silence) Fine. I'll see ya later, Monica. (leaves)

Phoebe: Ooh! Why didn't you tell her?

Monica: I thought someone else would tell her!

Joey: Well, I wasn't gonna tell her!

Chandler: I think you told her enough, Joe.

Monica: Yea, really. English phone number?

Joey: Kickboxing?

Phoebe and Monica: (look at each other) Dammit! (run out)


(Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel is sitting on the couch watching a video.)

Monica: (comes in limping) Oh, God! Rach, you missed one hell of a class.

Rachel: (ignoring her) Mm hmm.

Monica: What are ya watchin'?

Rachel: Oh, the prom video. Just thinking back on a time when we were friends who told each other things.

Monica: (sighs) Rach,...Emily told Ross she would only come here if he didn't speak to you anymore. That's why you couldn't go over, that's why he said you were Chandler on the phone and that's why he couldn't stay and talk to you across the hall.

Rachel: Why would he do that?

Monica: Because you told him to do whatever she wanted, remember?

Rachel: Oh, God! And this is what she wanted? To make my life miserable? To take away one of my best friends and not even tell me why? (starts crying)

Monica: Rach... (goes to comfort her but Rachel backs away)

Rachel: Monica? What am I supposed to do with myself? While all six of you are out at the coffee house or at the movies or (gasps)..she's taking my place!

Monica: No, she's not.

Rachel: That's what she's trying to do. She's trying to take my place!

Monica: Rachel, you have to understand where she's coming from. I mean what if it was your wedding and Ross had said, "I, Ross, take thee...Bonnie"?

Rachel: Oh, that bitch!

Monica: Exactly! She is so threatened by you.

Rachel: But I love Ross. I miss him already. He's one of my best friends, Mon. How would you feel if someone told Chandler he couldn't speak to you?

Monica: Before we slept together? I mean, (realizes what she said) I mean...

Rachel: What?

Monica: Nothing. Good night.

Rachel: Monica! You slept with Chandler??

Monica: I didn't say that!

Rachel: I'm asking him! (runs across the hall)

Monica: Rachel! Oh, crap.

(Cut to: Hallway. Rachel is banging on Chandler's door)

Rachel: Chandler!!

Monica: (follows her out) Rach, you didn't hear me right...

Joey: (answering) What?

Rachel: Did you know that Monica and Chandler had sex?

Joey: (faking) Sure! (slams the door, to Chandler) YOU HAD SEX WITH MONICA??!!

Chandler: (shocked) N-nooo....

Monica: (through the door, to Rachel) See? Told ya so!

Rachel: Chandler, just admit it! Monica did.

Monica: I did not!

Chandler: (runs to door and opens it) What's going on out here?

Rachel: Monica said you guys had sex.

Monica: (forced laughter) You misunderstood me.

Rachel: (to Chandler) So? Did ya?

Chandler and Monica: (looking at each other, faces saying What the Hell?) Yea.

(Cut to: Shot of outside apartment building)

Joey and Rachel: Oh! My! God!

(Scene: Ross'. Ross and Emily are eating dinner.)

Emily: What's the matter with you?

Ross: What?

Emily: You look so depressed. Did something happen while you were getting the candles?

Ross: No, no, nothing. I just...Em, I feel...I feel really bad about Rachel.

Emily: Ross,...

Ross: No, you have to let me finish. I mean, Rachel is my friend, okay? That's all! But, I miss her, (seeing Emily's face) AS A FRIEND! Okay? We've known each other since high school. I just can't throw that away.

Emily: Ross, I asked you to choose and you chose me. That is why I came. Are you changing your mind?

Ross: No, no, Emily, I love you. I need you to know that. But...you can't ask me to give up my friendship.

Emily: (stands up) I have to go, then.

Ross: (stands) Emily,...

Emily: No, Ross, you've made your decision. And,...it's obviously Rachel.

Ross: I love you, okay? Please stay.

Emily: Will you stop seeing her?

Ross: No.

Emily: Then I can't. (she walks into the bedroom)

(Scene: Chandler and Joey's. Ross, Chandler and Joey are sitting around the counter.)

Ross: Then, she left.

Joey: Whoa.

Chandler: I think it's great.

Ross: What?

Chandler: You made the right choice.

Ross: (puts his head in his hands) I know I did, but...oh, God, I miss her.

Rachel: (entering) Guys, do you...oh, sorry I'll come back.

Ross: No, Rach, I have to talk to you.

Rachel: Well, you know what, Ross? Now I can't talk to you. (walks out)

(Cut to: Hallway. Ross catches Rachel before she goes in.)

Ross: Rach, please. I am so sorry...

Rachel: How could you do this, Ross? I mean, we were...

Ross: She's gone.

Rachel: You know, I was just...what?

Ross: She left.

Rachel: Oh, God. Why?

Ross: Because I told her I couldn't go through with it.

Rachel: With what?

Ross: I love you, Rach. You're one of my best friends. I need you in my life. I'm sorry I ever thought I didn't.

Rachel: It's okay, Ross. (smiles) I love you, too.

Phoebe: (walking up the stairs) Ooh, ooh, Rach, kickboxing!

Rachel: Pheebs, I know.

Phoebe: Oh, okay, phew!

Rachel: Ya didn't have fun?

Phoebe: I can barely walk. You guys are good, right?

Ross: Right.

Phoebe: Good, cause guess where we're going tonight?

Rachel: Where?

Phoebe: Country Line Dancing! Yay!


(Scene: The six walk into a hall where there are country line dancers taking a class. A woman in a cowboy hat approaches them.)

Woman: How many of ya'll are there?

Phoebe: There's six of us'all. (giggles) Isn't this fun?

Monica: (thinking) I can't believe I'm here. Hey, if I squint, that instructor looks like PeeWee Herman...Who am I kidding? Even HE wouldn't be in a place like this!!

Chandler: (thinking) Monica is so hot! Hey, I can say that out loud now!! Yay! (smiles)

Joey: (same) Okay, who do I like better? The one with the silver spurs or gold spurs? I'm gonna go with gold. (approaching a woman we can't see) How you doin'?

Rachel: (same) I hate Emily! I'm so glad she's gone. I...(squints)...Is that PeeWee Herman?

Ross: (same) Oh, I really, really, really miss Rachel...I mean, Emily, Emily!...This is just getting to be a really bad habit with me!

Phoebe: You guys ready to party?

All except Phoebe and Joey: (with fake smiles) Yea! (When Phoebe turns they all make faces.)