Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Monica is present)
Rachel: I really love this time of year.
Ross: Yeah, the snow, the sleet, the freezing rain, stepping in ice puddles, you cant beat it.
Rachel: Thats not what I meant.
Phoebe: I love the Christmas lights, the way they flicker against the backdrop of snow falling, it makes me feel all warm inside.
Chandler: Reading Christmas cards again Pheebs?
Phoebe: Of course. You think I believe that crap?
Joey: Well I for one love the holidays.
Rachel: See, I knew I could count on Joey. I knew he could see the true meaning of the holidays.
Joey: Yeah, I mean who wouldnt love the holidays. Its the best time of the year to get all the stuff that you cant afford yourself.
OPENING CREDITS
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Joey and Ross are present)
Joey: Dude, this place looks like a girl lives here. What the hell is this?
Ross: Thats a ..I have no idea what that is.
Joey: So what are you getting Rach for Christmas?
Ross: I have no idea.
Joey: How about ..
Ross: And Im not giving her coupons for Ross love.
Joey: I was gonna say give her Joey love coupons. You know Ive always had the hots for her.
Ross: What?
Joey: Oh, Im sorry, thats Monica that I have the hots for.
Ross: Thats even worse!
Joey: Hows that worse?
Ross: Thats my sister youre talking about.
Joey: Dude, dont wig out on me! Chandlers the one doing your sister.
Ross: What are you getting Phoebe?
Joey: Coupons for Joey love.
Ross: Seriously, what are you getting her?
Joey: That not good enough?
Ross: No! Shes your girlfriend now. Youve got to get her something special.
Joey: Maybe Ill give her .
Ross: And throwing in a trip to Tonys Pizza isnt gonna cut it either.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Chandler and Phoebe are present)
Phoebe: Arent you supposed to be at work?
Chandler: What day is it?
Phoebe: Its Tuesday.
Chandler: No, the date.
Phoebe: Its December 11.
Chandler (looking in his daily planner): Let me see .nope, today is a sick day.
Phoebe: You schedule your sick days?
Chandler: Of course. I have tomorrow off too to recover from my stomach flu today.
Phoebe: Then why did you act like you were leaving for work this morning?
Chandler: So Monica would think Im at work.
Phoebe: But what happens if she calls you at work?
Chandler: My office phone forwards my calls to here.
Phoebe: Thats amazing. But what if youre not here? What about your message machine?
Chandler: The message machine happens to be broken.
Phoebe: Really?
Chandler: Its kinda hard for it to work when its unplugged.
Phoebe: Ok, last one. I think Ive got you this time you lying weasel. What if Monica comes home unexpectedly?
Chandler: Then I rush to the bathroom and act like Im throwing up.
Phoebe: Youre a genius.
Chandler: That has been said by many .except by my own wife.
Phoebe: So are you ready to go shopping?
Chandler: Lead the way my fair lady.
VICTORIAS SECRET (Rachel is working when Monica enters)
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: What are you doing here?!
Monica: Its nice to see you too.
Rachel: Sorry, you startled me. Whats up?
Monica: Can you get out of here today?
Rachel: Not really.
Monica: Come on, lets go shopping.
Rachel: Oh sweetie Id love to but Ive gotta finish this report for my boss.
Monica: Tell her that your morning sickness is outta control.
Rachel: As in accidentally puking on the report so I have to re-do it when I feel better?
Monica: Whatever floats your boat.
Rachel: Give me a minute.
Monica: Ill be out in the hall.
(Monica goes out into the hall)
Monica (to Rachels secretary): Hi, Im Monica, Rachels friend.
Secretary: Thats nice. Excuse me.
(Rachel emerges from her office)
Rachel: Lets go shopping.
Monica: Ah, whats the matter with your secretary? She was totally rude to me.
Rachel: Did you introduce yourself?
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: Yeah, she hates people who are nice to her.
MACYS DEPARTMENT STORE (Phoebe and Chandler are shopping)
Chandler: Why are we here?
Phoebe: You have to get something nice for Monica.
Chandler: But I already got her something.
Phoebe: You are not giving her a gift certificate to Rite Aid.
Chandler: But think of all the cleaning supplies she could get.
Phoebe: How about this sweater? Shed look good in this sweater.
Chandler: Is that what you want me to get you for Christmas Pheebs?
Phoebe: No, what would make you think that?
Chandler: Ah, the fact that youre drooling.
Phoebe: Would you get it or me?
Chandler: Sure, its easier than you returning any gift that I wouldve picked out myself.
Phoebe: Youre so sweet. Im gonna try it on. (Phoebe takes off her shirt and tries it on)
Chandler: Ah, they have dressing rooms you know.
Phoebe: I know, but this is much quicker. Its perfect, Ill take it. I mean, Chandler, this would be a great gift for you to give me.
Chandler: Give me the sweater. (Phoebe takes the sweater off, and goes to put her shirt back on)
Little Boy (passing by): Momma, that womans getting naked in the store.
Chandler (to woman): Dont mind her, shes with me. Shes my sister. Shes slow. Shes not allowed out without supervision. If I werent here shed be running around the store completely naked.
Woman: She should really be in a dressing room, therere impressionable children in the store.
Chandler: I know. Im sorry for the show. (The woman and boy walk away) Phoebe!
Phoebe: Lets go find some lingerie for Monica. Shed love that.
Chandler: Youre not gonna try that on too are you?
Phoebe: Maybe lover boy.
VIRGIN MEGASTORE (Rachel and Monica are shopping)
Rachel: Youre really gonna get Chandler John Denvers box set for Christmas?
Monica: Yeah, they dont have posters of Jane Leeves, its the next best thing. Ew, I should get him Britney Spears new album.
Rachel: He likes Britney Spears? Isnt he a little old for that?
Monica: He says he doesnt like her, but hes always singing her songs in the shower.
Rachel: Are you sure he isnt gay?
Monica: I know, I wonder about that too. What are you getting Ross?
Rachel: Maybe I should pick him up some Kenny G CDs while Im here.
Monica: If you get some bubble bath soaps hell love you forever.
Rachel: Ew, thats a great idea.
Monica: Are you sure Ross isnt a girl?
Rachel: If hes a girl, I wouldnt be knocked up now would I? (pause) He really does act like a girl doesnt he?
Monica: Were pathetic, you married a girl and I married a closeted gay man.
TONYS PIZZA (Ross and Joey are eating lunch)
Ross: I cant believe youre giving Phoebe an X-Box for Christmas.
Joey: Why?
Ross: Oh I dunno, the fact that she doesnt play video games comes to mind.
Joey: But I do.
Ross: Youre supposed to get her something that shes gonna enjoy, not something that youre gonna enjoy.
Joey: Look, you dont understand Phoebe and Is relationship. Its different then a normal relationship. Our relationship is special. You wouldnt understand.
Ross: Based on sex?
Joey: Ok, so you understand one aspect. But its deeper than that.
Ross: And selfishness?
Joey: Ok, have you been talking to Phoebe behind my back?
Ross: No!
Joey: Look, you got Rachel clothes for Christmas. What kinda gift is that?
Ross: Theyre maternity clothes and she needs them.
Joey: Clothes arent fun! Theyre practical! Get her something exciting!
Ross: I did get her something exciting!
Joey: Ross, giving your wife Lamaze classes is not exciting.
Ross: So youre saying I shouldve gotten her an X-Box too?
Joey: Now youre thinking. Lets go back to Toys R Us and get her the ultimate game machine.
Ross: Seriously, Im gonna do something special for Rachel for Christmas.
Joey: What is it?
Ross: Like Im gonna tell you. Youre dating the biggest mouth on the planet.
Joey: Hey, dont talk about Phoebe that way!
Ross: You know its true.
Joey: Still.
Ross: Thats what I thought.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyones present)
Monica: Did everyone finish there holiday shopping?
Joey: We have to get gifts for everyone?!
Monica: Sorry Joey, youre no longer a poor actor. We expect gifts from you this year.
Joey: But its Christmas Eve, all the stores are closed! Damn it! Ill be back. (Joey leaves)
Chandler: I guess we can all expect gift certificates to Burger World from Joey.
Phoebe: I know what Chandler got everyone.
Rachel: Ew, what did he get me?
Phoebe: A new vibrator.
Chandler: Phoebe! You promised not to tell.
Ross: Well as exciting as this conversation is, Rachel and I have to go see Ben and give him his Christmas presents.
Monica: Damn, I forgot to get Ben something for Christmas.
Phoebe: What a great aunt you are.
Chandler: Dont worry Mon, I got Bens gift this year.
Monica: What did you get him?
Chandler: An X-box.
Ross: Whats that?
Rachel: You are a complete idiot Ross. Everyone knows an X-box is the video game console of the 21st century.
Ross: Great, youre gonna warp my kids brain with video games.
Phoebe: Ross, I think youve done enough damage with all the dinosaurs youve gotten him.
Ross: Hey, those are educational toys. Its important for him to learn.
Chandler: Well now he can unlearn things while frying his mind when hes playing video games.
CAROL & SUSANS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are at the door)
Susan: Who is it?
Ross: Its Ross and Rachel, the heterosexual parenting team.
Susan: Hey! Merry Christmas.
Ross: Susan.
Susan: Ross.
Rachel: Hey Susan, Merry Christmas. Wheres Carol?
Susan: Shes with Ben in his bedroom. (shouting) Carol, Ross and Rachel are here. (normal voice) Sorry, having a kid around does strange things to you.
Carol: Hey guys, Merry Christmas.
Ben: Hi Daddy, hi Mommy Rachel.
Ross: Hows my boy? Have you been good for Santa Claus this year?
Ben: Dad, Santa Claus isnt real.
Ross: What? Of course Santa Claus is real.
Ben: Then explain to me how he can deliver presents to 6 billion people in one night. Its physically impossible.
Rachel (to Susan): When did this happen?
Susan: Tonight. Thats what Carol and Ben were talking about in his bedroom.
Ross: Ben, Santa Claus is real. He can deliver presents to 6 billion people in one night because hes magical.
Ben: Fine, you believe what you wanna believe, but I know Santa isnt real. What did you get me for Christmas?
Rachel: Its a surprise. You cant open it until tomorrow.
Ben: You have no idea what Daddy got me do you?
Carol: Ben!
Rachel: Actually hes right, I have no idea.
(knock on the door, Chandler and Monica enter)
Ben: Cool, Uncle Chandlers here!
Susan: What about Auntie Monica? Arent you glad to see her too?
Ben: Oh right, hi Auntie Monica.
Monica: Hows my favorite nephew?
Ben: Im your only nephew.
Susan: Ben, stop being a brat or were sending all your gifts back.
Monica (to Chandler) Thats it, Im giving him our present.
Chandler (under his breath): But Im the one who bought it.
Monica (under her breath): Yes, but youre only related to him because youre married to me. Now give it to me!
Chandler: Fine, here.
Monica: Ben, do you wanna open your gift from your Aunt and Uncle?
Ben: Can I mom?
Rachel (to Carol and Susan): Which one of us is he talking to?
Susan: Everyone say yes now.
Susan/Carol/Rachel: Yes.
Ross: Ok, thats a little weird.
Monica: Here you go Ben. (Ben takes the gift and starts tearing off the wrapping paper)
Ben: Look everybody, Uncle Chandler and Aunt Monica got me an X-box! (hugging Chandler) Thanks Uncle Chandler.
Susan: Dont forget Aunt Monica Ben.
Ben: Thanks Aunt Monica!
Monica: Your welcome Ben.
Carol: Ah Monica and Chandler can I see you guys for a minute?
Monica: Sure.
Carol: Ok, next time we all have to get together to talk about what were getting Ben.
Chandler: Ok. Why exactly?
Carol: Because now Susan and I dont have a Santa gift for Ben.
Chandler: Sorry about that.
Monica: Yeah, we didnt know.
Carol: Its ok, well us one of Ross gifts as a Santa present.
Chandler (laughing): Why, do you make the kid not believe in Santa anymore?
Monica: Chandler!
Carol: Actually Ben and I had the discussion tonight. Apparently some kid at his school went around and told all the boys that Santa wasnt real anymore.
Monica: Thats a mean thing to do.
Carol: Yeah, I asked Ben how the other little boy could be so sure that Santa wasnt real. You know what he said?
Monica: What?
Carol: If Santa were real hed be so fat from eating all the cookies at each house he went to that hed never fit down the chimney.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Christmas morning. Rachel has awakened, Ross is still asleep)
Rachel: Ross, wake up. (shaking Ross) Ross! Wake up!
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Its Christmas morning.
Ross: What time is it?
Rachel: Its 6:30 am.
Ross: Now I now why the Jewish faith doesnt celebrate Christmas.
Rachel: What time did you come to bed last night?
Ross: About two hours ago.
Rachel: What in the hell were you doing?
Ross: Youll see. May I go back to sleep now please?
Rachel: No, I wanna know what you were doing until 4:30.
Ross: Let me sleep an hour and then Ill show you.
Rachel (whining): But I wanna see now!
Ross: Ok, now youre starting to sound like Janice.
Rachel: Ross Geller, I wanna see now.
Ross: Are you threatening me?
Rachel: Yes.
Ross: Ok, ok. Lets go.
(Ross and Rachel enter the family room)
Rachel: Well?
Ross: Right this way.
Rachel: Should I close my eyes?
Ross: Id love to.
Rachel: Not you you idiot, me.
Ross: Close your eyes. (Rachel closes her eyes and Ross opens the door to the second bedroom) Alright, open them.
Rachel (opening her eyes and seeing the second bedroom done up as a nursery) Oh my God! You did all this?
Ross: Surprise!
Rachel: Oh Ross, its so beautiful! And its in neutral colors, perfect for a boy or a girl. I love it so much!
Ross: Thanks, can I go back to bed now?
Rachel: Yes. Thanks honey, I love you so much.
Ross: I love you too.
Rachel: Oh Ross?
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel (crying): I really do love it.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Everyones present)
Joey: Ha! And you guys thought Id get you gift certificates to Burger World again.
Chandler: You definitely went all out my man. My own X-Box, now Ill call in sick to work three days a week. (notices Monica is glaring at him) Not that Id ever do that if I werent sick.
Monica: Yeah right. You forgot to plug the answering machine back in before I got home the other day.
Phoebe: He he, youre so busted you lying little weasel.
Monica: Oh and Phoebe, we need to speak before you go. Oh, and I love my steam cleaner. Now we just have to get carpet.
Chandler: How do you like your sweater Pheebs?
Phoebe: I love it. Youve got really great taste.
Joey: Rach, how about them Lamaze classes? Ross really scored didnt he?
Rachel: More than youll ever know Joey.
Joey (to Ross): How do you do that?
Ross: It comes from being in touch with your feminine side.
Joey: Well at least that explains why I have no clue when it comes to buying presents for women.
Monica: So did you like the nursery Rach?
Rachel: I loved it. I was so surprised. None of you knew about this?
Phoebe: About what?
Rachel: The nursery that Ross spent all night getting ready for me.
Phoebe: Not a clue.
Joey: I knew.
Ross: You did not!
Joey: You told me you had a surprise for Rachel.
Ross: But I didnt tell you what it was.
Chandler: Yeah, Joeys idea of a surprise present is dressing up naked and putting a ribbon on his head and saying Merry Christmas!
Phoebe: He told you about that?
Rachel: Anyway, who got me these cooking classes?
Chandler: I did.
Rachel: Are you trying to tell me something?
Chandler: It was Ross idea.
Rachel: Oh was it?
Ross: I just thought that you might enjoy learning how to cook.
Monica: Where is Chandler?
Phoebe: He and Joey are out on the balcony looking through the telescope. They mentioned something about hunting for naked women.
Rachel: Leave em be Mon, its Christmas.
Ross: I think Ill go join em.
Rachel: Sit down Ross!
Monica: What happened to its Christmas Rach?
Rachel: Your husband didnt tell his best friend to get you cooking classes for Christmas.
CLOSING CREDITS
CAROL & SUSANS APARTMENT (Ben has finished opening his gifts)
Carol: Well Ben, are you happy with what you got this year?
Ben: Yeah. I really cant wait to play video games.
Susan: So you believe in Santa again?
Ben: Of course not. Santa would never get me a junior paleontology set for Christmas. The only Santa around here is Daddy.
Carol: But Daddy got you a telescope.
Ben: Oh. I thought that was from Uncle Chandler.
Susan: Why?
Ben: Because he told me that I could use a telescope to look for naked girls.