The One With The Crazy Town Up North


Them Six New Yorkers

Presented to you by: Joanna Writeman

Disclaimer: The characters Chandler, Joey, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel and Ross are the property of Bright, Kauffman & Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not for profit, only for entertainment and bla, bla, bla.

However, the characters Adam, Davey, Freddie, Sara and Tiffany are not. They belong to me- Joanna Writeman.

Everything I wrote- except for the stuff concerning Friends- is original, and was not purposely based on any other series.

One more thing before you start I have tow requests: A. Don't matter what you do please DO NOT take me seriously B. If you don't like this script (it's okay I'm not I know I suck- and this will be my last Friends script) keep on reading I swear it gets better- if you still don't like to bad- like you can do better! And so with no further ado I represent to you my fan-fic.

{Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there}

Phoebe: OK, so are we like still gonna go swimming this weekend?

Rachel: What, pheebs, we never said we're gonna go swimming!

Phoebe: Well, I thought it was a good idea.

Ross: But, we can't go swimming, pheebs. It's autumn.

Joey: Oh! Oh! We can go swim in the sea!

Chandler: Yeah, 'cause that's gonna be a lot less cold!

Joey: [disappointed] Well, okay. [pause] We can go to my uncle's house in Maine.

All: What? Really? You didn't tell us!

Joey: I told Chandler.

[everyone looks at Chandler]

Chandler: You did not tell me that!

Joey: Sure I did! Don't you remember, when you know… I told you.

[everyone looks at Joey]

-Opening Credits-

(theme song- FRIENDS)

(theme song- Right Next Door)

{Scene: Central Perk, later, everyone but Monica is there, all packed and ready to go- Joey takes a muffin that is laying in front of Ross}

Ross: Um, Joey I think that was my muffin.

Joey: Yeah and than you turned away.

Ross: Still… it's my muffin. [takes the muffing from his hand]

Joey: Apparently not any more. [takes it back]

Chan: Boys, boys, don't fight. There's only one way of stealing it. The way they did back home [pose] arm resoling.

Ross: They settled things in your house whit arm-resoling?

Chan: No, but it sounds better than arguing for three moths and than moving out of the house.

[they're posing their hands as Monica rushes in with her luggage and so they're distracted]

Moni: Okay, now the house is perfectly organized. Let's hit the road!

Ross: Okay, um, Joey, you go with Phoebe and show her the way, and the rest of us will follow.

[they head out]

Joey: [turning to Phoebe] You know how to get to Maine, right?

Phoe: Yeah, sure.

Joey: Okay, good then.

[they all leave]

{Scene: Much later, in Phoebe's car, Phoebe is driving, Joey is sitting next to her, and Rachel is sleeping in the back}

Rach: [waking up] Are we in Maine yet?

Phoe: Yeah, but Joey doesn't know where to go.

Joey: Yes I do! We're going to Williamstown.

Phoe: Okay, I'm stopping at that rest stop over there. Can you see Ross and the others behind us?

[Joey sticks his head out of the window]

Joey: Oh yeah, there they are! Hi Ross! [waving vigorously]

[cut to the other car]

Moni: Does anybody know where we are?

Ross: No, but I guess Joey knows the way.

Moni: Oh, look! He's waving at us! [Ross waves back, and Chandler has an Oh-dear-god-what-is-he-doing look]

Ross: W-wait, they're stopping at that rest stop. I hope everything is okay.

Chan: Oh, I'm sure everything is okay. Joey is in charge.

[they pull over and get out to meet the others]


Ross: Hey guys. What's going on?

Rach: Joey doesn't know where to go!

Moni: What do you mean he doesn't know where to go? [to Joey] Don't you have a map?

Joey: I have this note my uncle gave me.

Chan: Gimme that. [he takes it out of Joey's hand and looks at it] This says "Williamstown, MA"!

Joey: Yeah?

Chan: MA is Massachusetts, not Maine! It's Williamstown, Massachusetts!

[they all look disappointed]

Rach: So, what do we do now?

Joey: Drive to Massachusetts?

Phoe: Oh, but I want to stay here! [they all look at her] Maine is really pretty! Massachusetts is so boring. Everyone that I know from Massachusetts is boring.

Ross: Well, it is getting kinda late.

Chan: Okay, Maine is the land of summerhouses, I bet we could find a place to stay.

Moni: Okay! Great! Well, does anyone have a road map?

Phoe: We don't need one, cause I Know Maine, and you don't wanna know how.

[they get back in the cars. We cut to later, when they approach the town]

Rach: [reading from the welcome sign] "Welcome to Brightfield-" [and from the graffiti under it] "-It grows on you". Hmm, interesting.

{Scene: An empty coffee-place (Sky Bright), two guys (Davey and Adam) are sitting at the counter eating from a jar labeled "brownies". Adam is constantly giving Davey parts of his brownie}

Adam: No way, man! She-Ra is way better than He-Man! [in case you don't know, He-Man and She-Ra are two cartoon super-heroes] Here. [gives a piece of his brownie to Davey]

Davey: No! I cannot believe you would say that.

Adam: Here [another piece of his brownie]

Davey: You like She-Ra better, and you don't eat the chocolate chips in the brownies. Something is wrong with you.

Adam: The brownies- here- are tastier without the chocolate chips.

Davey: [pulling back] Blasphemy!

[a woman (Tiffany) goes down the stairs that lead upstairs and have a sign next to them that says "Rooms", and joins Davey and Adam]

Tiffany: Hi Adam, hi Davey, what are you guys up to?

Adam: What do you think?

Tiffany: Nothing?

Davey: That's two points for Tiffany!

Tiffany: So, can I join you?

Adam: I thought you have a job.

Tiffany: I thought you do too.

Adam: Never mind. [pause] Let's make peace and laugh at Davey's job.

Tiffany: [smiling] Yeah, Davey. Wasn't this supposed to be the busy season?

Davey: It is! We had a customer just two hours ago.

Adam: Then he left, and we got bored and made brownies for the brownie jar! You want some? I'm getting sick.

Tiffany: Yeah, sure. [she takes one and starts eating] Ew, chocolate chips. [Davey gets up and leaves, annoyed]

[Another woman (Sara) and a guy (Freddie) walk in]

All: Hi Sara, hi Freddie.

Sara: [to Davey] Hi honey. [she kisses him. To the others:] Hi guys, what's up?

Adam: We made brownies for the brownie jar! [shows them the jar]

Freddie: Did you put banana slices in them?

Adam: No, sorry.

Freddie: Okay. [he takes one]

[The "Friends" gang walks in]

Chan: [looking around] Hey, excuse me, but, do you have coffee?

Moni: Yeah, we just came all the way from New York, and… we really want coffee.

Davey: Yeah, sure! [to Adam] Told you it was the busy season. That's [counting] seven customers today. [to Freddie] Freddie, get on it. [Freddie goes to the kitchen] Anything else?

Ross: Uh, yeah, do you know a place to stay? We kinda… don't have any.

Sara: Sure, we've got rooms upstairs. How many do you need? [before they get to answer] 'Cause there's three.

Moni: Three will be fine, thank you.

Adam: Wait, how come there's three rooms? One, empty room, two, empty room, three, me! [realizing] Uh-oh.

Sara: I'm sorry, Adam, but- [cut by Adam]

Adam: [hurt] No, no, that's okay, I can sleep… somewhere else.

Tiffany: You can stay with me if you wanna.

Adam: No! Your house is too [thinking]… far away. It's fifty yards from here! Ha!

Davey: Okay then, you can stay with Sara and me.

Adam: No! You are ruining my miserability! I'm gonna sleep in the hall, and be miserable, so there!

[The "Friends" gang watch this awe-struck]

{Scene: Sky Bright, later, the "Friends" gang are sitting on a couch (of course) talking, and Adam is sitting at the counter, holding the brownie jar and staring at Monica. Tiffany comes to him]

Tiff: Didn't your parents tell you it's not polite to stare?

Adam: [not really listening] She's pretty. Definitely, definitely pretty.

Tiff: Okay then, why don't you go over to her?

Adam: Because I can't.

Tiff: Why?

Adam: Because she might be embarrassed, with her boyfriend around. [pointat Chandler, who has his arm wrapped around Monica]

[Joey gets up and heads to them]

Joey: [to Adam] Excuse me, where's the bathroom? [Adam points to it. On his way, as he passes next to Tiffany:] How you doin'?

Tiff: [coldly] Just fine, thank you. [Joey walks away]

Adam: What's the matter Tiff, not blond enough for you?

Tiff: Huh? Oh, shut up, Mr. I-fell-in-love-with-the-girl-who-already-has-a-boyfriend!

Adam: [hurt] Hey, she fell for a loser once, she can do it again!

[cut to the "Friends" gang on the other side of the room]

Chan: Has anybody noticed that these guys are really weird?

Phoe: Yeah, like that guy over there [she's referring to Adam] that's been staring at Monica for the past half-hour?

Moni: What guy?

Phoe: Him. [mentions to Adam]

Rach: [looking back] Oh, he's cute. Watch out, Chandler.

Moni: Oh, come on, Rach. [also looking back] But he is cute.

Chan: [also looking back, in a defensive tone] Define cute.

[cut to Adam, who suddenly notices that everyone is looking at him, so he turns around and goes upstairs. With the brownie jar]

{Scene: Adam's (a small apartment- just one room, with a bed, a kitchenette, and a living room consisting of a carpet, some cushions, and a large cardboard box), he's packing his few stuff into a hiking backpack. Chandler and Monica enter}

Adam: [noticing them] Oh, I'm… I'm sorry. I'm still packing. I'll be out in a second.

Chan: Boy, this room is small.

Adam: Well, that's all I could afford.

Moni: How much was it? Ten bucks?

Adam: Actually, three Australian dollars and 22 American cents.

Moni: What?

Adam: I just came back from Australia for Sara and Davey's wedding, they're the guys who bout this place, and I spent all my money on getting here, and then they decided they don't want to get married and I got stuck here with no place to stay, and since they just opened this place they let stay here forever for all the money I got, which was three Australian dollars and 22 American cents. [and he said that really fast]

Chan: Okay… whatever.

Adam: [finishing his packing] Well, I'm leaving.

Moni: Are you really gonna sleep in the hall?

Adam: Nah, I just wanted to make Sara and Davey feel bad. I'm staying with them, so if you need me, I'm right next door. [and he really is- he's from the "Right Next Door" gang. Nice joke, huh? I crack myself up. J ]

{Scene: Sara and Davey's, Adam is setting his sleeping bag}

Dave: Hey Adam, is that all of your stuff? [motioning to the backpack]

Adam: Yeah, that's pretty much everything.

Dave: What about your box?

Adam: My what? Oh, my box. You're right, I gotta get it back. [he gets up immediately and leaves]

[cut to Adam standing at his… um, Monica and Chandler's door, and knocking frantically]

Adam: Open up, open up, open up!

[Monica opens the door]

Moni: What is it?

Adam: I… uh, I'm here to take… my… box. [he starts to go to it. Chandler is nowhere to be seen. Adam suddenly notices something] Hey, where are my beers?

Moni: What?

Adam: My beers. I kept them under the TV-uh, the box.

Moni: Well, I put them in the refrigerator. That's where they should go.

Adam: Why?

Moni: So that they would be cold.

Adam: Oh, wow, that's a really good idea.

[Chandler enters]

Chan: [annoying] Hi.

Adam: [suddenly very lost] Hi, I just, um… I'm here for the… hi. [he puts the box on his head and leaves]

Moni: He's weird, cute but weird.

{Scene: Sky Bright (still empty- as usual), the next morning, all the "Right Next Door" gang is there, doing morning stuff- drinking coffee, reading the paper, etc.}

Adam: [eating a peanut butter sandwich] You know what should be good? Peanut butter- and ketchup.

All: Ew, Adam, that's disgusting!

Dave: You know what, I'd like to see you eat that.

[cut to later. They are all standing around Adam, who is about to eat what is apparently a peanut butter and ketchup sandwich]

Dave: I can't believe you're actually gonna eat that.

Adam: Watch me. [he takes a bite and starts chewing]

Tiff: So, how is it?

Adam: [still chewing] Disgusting.

Sara: You wanna spit it out?

Adam: Uh-huh. [he spits it out into a napkin and puts the sandwich away]

[Phoebe comes down the stairs]

Phoe: Umm, hi, I'm Phoebe, and listen can I, like, sing here?

Sara: Sure, no problem.

Fred: Hey Sara, can I sing too? Please?

Sara: Later, Freddie.

Fred: You always say "later", but you never let me sing!

Sara: You never wanted to sing before.

Fred: You always gotta be right, don't you?

Tiff: [she's wearing a police uniform] Well, I gotta go to work. [she leaves]

Phoe: [on microphone] Um, hi everybody. I want to sing you a song, um, which is one of my favorites, and… I hope you like it. So, there it is. [She starts to sing one of her songs]

{Scene: Outside, Rachel is walking around, as Tiffany comes to her]

Tiff: Hey, you. [Rachel looks at her] You're one of them New Yorkers, aren't ya?

Rach: Yeah… I guess. Why?

Tiff: 'Cause you're treading on the grass.

Rach: Oh, I'm sorry. It wasn't allowed?

Tiff: Yeah.

Rach: [looking around] Well, I don't see any sign.

Tiff: [cynical] Oh, I guess you don't have basic manners in New York.

Rach: What?! What does this have to do with… anything? I was just walking around.

Tiff: On public grass. Listen, this time, you're just off with a warning, but next time, I'm arresting you.

Rach: For treading on grass? Are you nuts?

Tiff: Oh yeah, nuts. Sure. I know what happens in New York. I hear the news.

Rach: Oh my god. What else do you want, to frisk me?

Tiff: You know what, don't mind if I do. Spread 'em, girl!

[Rachel is shocked]

{Scene: Sky Bright, Phoebe is still singing, and the place is packed with people listening to her eagerly. She just finished a song, to loud applause]

Sara: [to Davey who's holding a tray] Wow, it's really full isn't it? I don't remember it being so full since… ever!

Dave: I know, it's as packed as the bus from Milwaukee to Georgia. [nobody laughs. Probably because this is not funny]

Phoe: Okay, thank you! Um, well, I'm kinda done. [the crowd sighs] But I can sing "Smelly Cat" again. [they cheer and she starts singing again]

[cut to Ross, Joey, Monica and Chandler, sitting on a couch]

Ross: I can't believe they actually like Phoebe's songs.

Moni: Ross! That's not nice. They have their own opinions… as weird as those might be.

Joey: This whole town is weird. You know that Tiffany girl? I hit on her yesterday, and she didn't even notice me!

Chan: [sarcastic] No! What did you say?

Joey: I said "How you doin'?"

Chan: The crazy bitch!

[Rachel storms in, and goes to the couch]

Rach: That crazy Tiffany bitch just frisked me!

Joey: …Oh my.

Rach: Joey, stop that. I'm serious, I can sue her.

Moni: For what, doing her job?

Rach: I was treading on grass! Why on earth would she have a reason to frisk me?

Ross: [naive] Maybe she thought you had something in your pocket.

Rach: Oh, this place sucks! Do you know they don't even have one decent store? We gotta leave. We gotta leave now.

Chan: Yeah, okay, but I kinda like this couch. [Joey agrees]

[cut to Davey, Sara and Adam at the counter]

Davey: I really like these guys.

Sara: Yeah, and I think they like it here. Do you think they'll stay for a while?

[Tiffany enters]

Tiff: Oh, how I like kicking New York ass in the morning.

Adam: Huh?

Tiff: I just frisked this Rachel girl for treading on the grass.

Sara: But it's not forbidden to- [cut by Tiffany]

Tiff: Never mind! I just needed to get back at them.

Adam: What for?

Tiff: I don't know. But for some reason, they just annoy me.

[Phoebe's voice is heard on the mike]

Phoe: Well, thank you all for listening to my songs, but I gotta go now 'cause my friends really wanna leave. So, bye. Oh, and if you wanna hear me sing, I'm performing at "Central Perk", New York. Bye! [the crowd sighs and starts to leave]

Dave: Thanks, Tiff.

Tiff: [not understanding] You welcome.

-Closing Credits-

{Scene: Sky Bright, the "Right Next Door" gang is all there, sitting on the couch}

Adam: Hey, you guys wanna hear the weird dream I had last night?

All: Yeah, okay, sure.

Adam: Well, I'm in Las Vegas… and I'm Debbie Reynolds.

Fred: Oh, that's boring. In my dream, I was a green cow.

-The End-

Writer's note: I would like to express my sincere apologies (or just apologies) on a couple omatters.

First of all, I totally wrecked the "Friends" characters. That's too bad.

Secondly, I want to apologize to the readers. The boring disclaimer in the beginning of this episode was not my idea. I was forced to do it.

I would also like to apologize because the episode kinda sucked (you may insert here any other adjective you find suitable). If you did like the episode, I advice consulting with your favorite physician/therapist. If they like it too… that's what my site is for. Not for "Friends", though. For those other nutcases. A very lovely bunch of nutcases, may I add.

I gotta tell you the truth now. The reason I wrote this episode is not my overly affection to the show "Friends"- also I do like it. It's because I wisely manipulated you into knowing, and hopefully liking, my characters. And I bet you didn't suspect it for a second. You are so gullible. I pity you, almost as much as I pity myself.

But now, after you have fallen for my wicked but clever scheme, and you need to know more about my lovely little creations, I invite you to-


P.S. For those of you who have somehow over-smarted my scheme, and did not like my episode- please go to my site anyway! Nobody ever visits my site! Everybody hates me!

Okay, if you don't go to my site, I'll cry.

So there.

Yours truly, Joan.