(Scene: Monica & Rachel's. Monica & Chandler are there, kissing)

(Rachel enters, looking flustered. As she enters, Monica grabs a magazine, and Chandler starts to watch TV)

MON: Hey! (sees Rachel's expression) What's the matter?

RACH: Nothing. Nothing at all.

CHAN: Are you sure? You look like you saw a ghost or something! Where have you just been? In our apartment? A ghost?

RACH: No! Chandler, stop talking so fast. I need to think.

MON: Why, what's wrong?

RACH: Okay. Ross just kissed me.

CHAN/MON: What?

MON: How did that even happen?

RACH: I don’t know.

CHAN: But he has a girlfriend!

RACH: I know that. I don't even think he meant to kiss me.

MON: But he did?

RACH: Yes!

MON: Well, I don't think there's a lot you can do. I mean, if he didn't wanna do it, then maybe you should try and forget it even happened in the first place.

RACH: I can't just forget it! Could you forget about when you and Chandler slept together? No!

CHAN: Okay. So you have a point there. But I wanted to be with Mon, and the fact is, Ross isn't interested.

RACH: Well, he must feel something! You don't kiss someone for no reason.

MON: I guess.

RACH: Should I talk to him?

MON: I dunno. It's not really my decision to make.

RACH: Yeah, you're right. Chandler, you decide for me!

CHAN: Okay. (Monica hits him) What?

MON: Don't you dare! (to Rachel) It's up to you.

RACH: Ohh…It was so much easier when daddy made all my decisions. But you're right. You're right. I'll talk to him.

MON: Good for you. Now, can you go? We were kinda in the middle of something.

RACH: Oh right. Sorry.

(She goes in her room, and Chandler & Monica start to kiss again)

(Rachel opens her door)

RACH: Can you keep it down? I'm trying to think.

(She closes the door, and they start to kiss again)

(Rachel opens the door)

RACH: Actually, can you help me figure out what to say?

MON: No!

RACH: Okay, bye.

(She goes back in her room)

MON: Finally…

(She goes to kiss Chandler)

CHAN: Actually, I'm hungry. What's in your fridge?

(Monica sighs)

OPENING CREDITS

(Scene: A filming set. Joey is there, with Phoebe)

PHOE: I can't wait to meet Morgan Freeman!

JOEY: You might not actually get to meet him. But you will get to see him…

PHOE: I am sooo excited!

(A producer -PRO- steps up to Joey)

PRO: Tribbiani? A word.

JOEY: Right back, Phoebs. (lowers voice) They probably want me and Freeman to switch roles.

(Phoebe smiles)

(Joey goes over to the producer)

JOEY: What did you want?

PRO: I'm gonna be honest and confront you like a man. You can't act.

JOEY: Pardon?

PRO: You can't act. You are the worst actor I've seen since the guy from the street.

JOEY: Why did you hire me?

PRO: Old Ed hired you. He's retired now. He was senile.

JOEY: See! Even old people can see my talent!

PRO: Sorry, buddy. You are no longer part of this motion picture.

JOEY: Gimme one more chance! I can be one of the dead guys in the theatre massacre! I'll do great.

PRO: Sorry, but Van Damme told us you couldn't even play dead guys.

JOEY: He said that?

PRO: Yeah. You'll get your pay cheque through the mail. Bye.

JOEY: Bye.

(Joey walks back over to Phoebe)

PHOE: So? Did you get switched roles?

JOEY: Yep.

PHOE: Really?! So you're the lead now?

JOEY: No, they switched me with the guy who's not in this motion picture.

PHOE: There's a guy in this movie like that? Really?

JOEY: No. I'm actually not in the motion picture.

PHOE: So, how are you gonna revise your role…Ohhhh! So you're not in the movie?

JOEY: Nope.

PHOE: Aw. C'mon, let's go.

(They leave)

(SCENE: Central Perk. The whole gang, minus Joey & Phoebe, are there)

MON: So, Ross, done anything interesting lately?

RACH(warning): Monica.

ROSS: Um, no, not really. Why do you ask?

MON: Just wondering. So, how's it goin with Rachel, oh sorry, I mean Karen?

ROSS(nervous): Fine. Just fine.

CHAN: Good. So, Rach, how's your love life going?

RACH(angry): Fine. Never been better.

CHAN: Well, I'd imagine. All these guys falling at your feet.

RACH: Chandler!

MON: Wasn't there a guy who you had to talk to about something?

RACH: Okay, okay.

MON: We have to go.

ROSS: You and Rach?

MON: No. Me and Chandler. Bye.

(She pulls Chandler up and they leave)

ROSS: So…

RACH: So…Look, we have to talk.

ROSS: Do they know?

RACH: Know what?

ROSS: About the kiss.

RACH: Well…

ROSS: Rachel!

RACH: I had to tell someone, and I chose Mon. Chandler just happened to be there. I couldn't just throw him out!

ROSS: I guess. Look, that kiss meant nothing, right?

RACH: Well, I suppose.

ROSS: You suppose?

RACH: Ross, I have to tell you something.

ROSS: What?

RACH: Ever since you did all that stuff to yourself, you know the makeover and revamp, I've had these feelings for you…

ROSS: Feelings?

RACH: Yeah.

ROSS: What kinda feelings?

RACH(quietly): Loving ones.

ROSS: Oh.

RACH: Well?

ROSS: What do you want me to say? What am I supposed to do? I have a girlfriend now!

RACH: But, I…

ROSS(angry): Why does this always happen when I'm happy with someone? First, when I was dating Julie, then Emily, and now Karen!

RACH: Do you love her?

ROSS: Karen? Karen's great…

RACH: But?

ROSS: No but! Look you are just gonna-

(Joey and Phoebe enter)

JOEY(depressed): Hey. Cheer me up.

RACH: What's wrong?

JOEY: I lost my job!

RACH: Oh, honey! Are you alright?

JOEY: Not really. I'm sad.

RACH: Wanna hug?

(Joey nods, and Rachel hugs him)

RACH: Ross?

ROSS: Hm?

RACH: We'll talk later.

ROSS(nervous): Yeah, okey-dokey-doodle.

(SCENE: Chandler & Joey's Apartment. Joey is sitting down, reading through a script)

(Chandler enters)

CHAN: Hey, Jo. (sees script) What ya got there?

JOEY: Script.

CHAN: You got a job offer already?

JOEY: Kinda.

CHAN: Well, what's the part?

JOEY: A fireman who saves kids.

CHAN: That sounds great!

JOEY: But, it's not really what I'm looking for. A fireman sounds, well, kinda boring.

CHAN: But all the girls love firemen!

JOEY: Besides, I haven't been offered the part.

CHAN: Where'd you get the script then?

JOEY: My agent stole it from a guy it in the street.

CHAN: Let me see.

(He reads it, and his eyes widen as he reads through it)

CHAN: Did your agent tell you exactly what this job entails?

JOEY: She said a little action.

CHAN: Joey?

JOEY: Yep?

CHAN: This (shakes the pages) is porn.

JOEY: Porn? What kinda porn?

CHAN: Gay porn.

JOEY: What?? Let me look. (he looks) Oh my god!! That's disgusting! I'm not doin that!

CHAN: I'm very glad you said that. Look, is it okay if Monica stays here tonight?

JOEY: Sure. I'm gonna be out.

CHAN: I was hoping you'd say that.

JOEY: In fact, I have to get ready.

(He goes over to his bedroom room, still carrying the script)

CHAN: You gonna take that porn in your room?

JOEY: Yeah, I guess. Why?

CHAN: Well, you know how you sometimes act out scripts alone in your room?

JOEY: Yeah…

CHAN: Yeah.

JOEY(realises): Ew! Man, I'm not gonna act out gay porn in my room.

(He goes in his room, dropping the script on one of the chairs)

(He comes out again)

JOEY: Speaking of that script, what does (shows Chandler a word on the script) mean?

CHAN: Ew! I am not telling you that! You should know! Call your mum!

(END SCENE: C&J's apartment. Joey is on the phone)

JOEY: Hi dad? Is mum there? (pause) Thanks. (pause) Hey mum! (pause) I'm fine! Look, I'm phoning up to ask you about a word I saw in one of my scripts today…(pause) I'm having a little trouble, and Chandler wouldn't help me! (pause) The phrase is 'John kisses Michael in a very passionate fashion'. (pause) Hello? Mum? Are you still there?

END