The One Where It’s Mostly Just Chandler and Joey

Written by: John Noonan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros.   Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

Dedicated to The One.

Author’s Note: Okay, well, I hope you enjoyed my last four scripts. I like to think of them as my mini-series. This script is a completely new story set after Ross and Rachel have split up. You won’t have to have read the other scripts to read this one. However, you’ll have to use your imagination and try to imagine Chandler being a little bit more neurotic then he normally is, in order for this script to work. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because a lot of what Chandler says is what I’ve actually heard or said.

Oh, one last point, Chandler does a lot of thinking in this episode and so therefore his speech has been split into two parts. When he’s talking out loud it will be described as “Chandler” and when he’s thinking it’ll be described as “CBrain”. Okay, all sorted. Let’s begin.


Int. Central Perk. Day

(The gang are all there. Suddenly Chandler throws his hands up in the air.)

Chandler: I am going to die alone!

Ross: Oh, Chandler, not this again.

Joey; This is worse then the Thanksgiving story.

Chandler: Look, it’s okay for you guys. You don’t have to worry about things like this. You can just...

(He trails off as an attractive brunette walks into the cafe. He follows her with his eyes to the bar.)

Joey: Just what?

Chandler: (Snapping out of it) What? Sorry, I’ve completely (He looks at her again and she smiles) forgotten say I what going was to.

Monica: I’m not surprised. She’s gorgeous.

Joey: Who her? (Points to the women) That’s Lucy. I went out with her.

Chandler: Did you? (Looks at her again) Oh yeah, wow, she has changed.

Joey: Why don’t you ask her out?

Chandler: (Seriously) Oh, I couldn’t.

Joey: (Encouraging)Yeah, you could.

Chandler (Cheerily and jumping off the chair) Yeah I can, can’t I?

He strides over to Lucy. He taps her on the shoulder and she turns around.

Chandler: Hi, I’m Chandler Bing!

Lucy: Hi, I’m Lucy.

Chandler: (Panicking) Um, where, um, how, um, what? Excuse me!

He walks straight back to his seat and sits down.

Chandler: I think she got my point.


Int. Chandler and Joey’s. Day.

Chandler is kicking back and relaxing with a beer. He’s watching the TV with interest.

Chandler: Good God! Is that Elvis?! No! Wait! It’s Ricki Lake in white Lycra. EWW!

Joey bursts in carrying a big bag full of videos.

Joey: (Excitedly) Look what I got!

He places the bag on the counter and goes to take his coat off. Chandler spins around on his chair and looks at the bag.

Chandler: (Mocking) Wow, videos! I guess that would be surprising had I not sent you to get some two hours ago.

Joey walks back to the bag.

Joey: Ah, you’re only half right! They ARE videos, but they’re not rentals. They’re ours.

Chandler: I’m sorry. What are you doing with our videos at a rental store? Were you trying to get rid of that pirate copy of “Leonard: Part six” again.

Joey: No. I don’t mean ours as in ours. I mean, ours as in OURS.

Chandler: Well, that’s nicely cleared up.

Joey: The rental store was selling 12 videos for $10.

Chandler jumps out of his seat and to the counter.

Chandler: Cool! What did you get?

Joey: (Smiling) I don’t know.

Chandler: (Mocking) You don’t know?

Joey: (taking a video cassette out of the bag) Y’see, the videos are so cheap because they have no covers and no labels.

Chandler: (Confused) Let me get this straight. You bought 12 videos not knowing what was on any of them!

Joey: (Proud) Yep!

Chandler: Joey, they could all be blank tapes.

Joey: (Frowning) Yeah, but 12 videos for $10. That’s like (Thinks) a certain amount of dollars each.

Chandler: (Smiling) You are insane.

Joey: Well, excuse me, Mr can’t ask a girl out to save his life.

Chandler: What’s that got to do with anything?

Joey: Nothing! I just wanted to change the subject.

Chandler: Oh!

Joey: Anyway, why didn’t you ask out Lucy? You know her. You like her. (realisation) Wait, I’ve got her number. Why don’t you phone her up?

Chandler: Oh, I couldn’t.

Joey: Yeah, you could.

He goes to the phone and dials a number. He hands the phone to Chandler.


Int. Lucy’s apartment. day.

Lucy is sat on a velvet couch with a magazine draped across her lap. As she and Chandler talks the scene cuts back and forth between the two.

Chandler: Hi. This is, er, Chandler Bing. We met briefly at Central Perk yesterday.

Lucy: Oh yeah! Um, how did you get my number?

Chandler: Oh, I’m Joey Tribbiani’s room mate. You might not remember me but...

Lucy: Oh right! Yeah, I remember you. You’re the guy that got bit by the peacock.

Chandler: (Looking evilly at Joey) Oh he told you that did he.

Lucy: So, how are you?

Chandler: I’m fine. Listen, I was wondering, if it’s not too much trouble...

Lucy: Yeah?

Chandler: If you don’t mind. It’s just that I was wondering if you could (He looks at Joey again. Joey is looking at him and smiling, as if to say “Go on! You can do it”.) tell me what time it is?!

Lucy/Joey: What?

Chandler: Yeah, You see, um, my watch has stopped and so have all the other clocks in my apartment.

Lucy: Wow!

Chandler: yes. They, er, must have got hit by, erm, lightning.

Lucy: (Looking at her watch) Oh, well, then it’s 6:30.

Chandler: Thanks.

Lucy: That’s okay. Hope your watch gets better!

Chandler: (Letting out a laugh that is obviously fake) Thanks, bye!

Chandler stands there completely still. Joey prises the phone out of his hand and places it back on the receiver. then he hits Chandler around the back of the head.

Chandler: (Shocked) Okay, hit me!

Joey: What the hell was that about? You wanted to know the time!

Chandler: I panicked. I saw you and I panicked.

Joey: What?

Chandler: Joey, this all comes naturally to you. You walk up to someone and go (Does an impression of Joey while pretending to talk to an imaginary woman) “Hey, I’m Joey Tribbiani. How you doin’?” (Turns to Joey) and I’m all like (Turns to the imaginary woman again) “Hi, I’m Chandler Bing. (He puts out his arm as if trying to grab something) Hey, where you going? Come back!”

Joey: That’s not how it happens.

Chandler: Joey, Y’know when we are walking down the street and women wolf whistle and you turn around. You know why I don’t turn around.

Joey: Why?

Chandler: Because they are wolf whistling at you. Man, I can’t do it. I can’t ask her out coz I’m not you. She’s been out with you. I’d be too much of a disappointment.

Joey: (Putting his hand on Chandler’s shoulder) If you ask her, she will come!

Chandler frowns.

Joey: Look, she works at the video store near Central Park. You’ve got a week off, go down and say hi.

Chandler: You think I can.

Joey: Sure! That’s how I met her.

Chandler: Will you come with me?

Joey: Hell no! I’ve got me twelve videos to watch.

he jauntily walks up to the TV.

Int. The video Store. Day.

“Local God” by Everclear is playing in the background. The store is like your regular video store. It’s got everything from comics to CDs. Running from the door to the counter where Lucy is working there is a long line of videos. Each one is split into a different section. From the door to the till it goes: Comedy, Horror, Action, Romance, Adult. Chandler enters and spies Lucy at the counter. He smiles. Okay, this is where the CBRAIN comes in. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go read the author’s note again.

Cbrain: Okay, we’re in! Here we are! Okay, I need to get a good video. Something to impress her with. Something that says something about me. (He walks up to the comedy section) Something that says I’m great in bed. Okay, Chandler that’s a little bit over the top don’t you think? (Looks at the videos) Okay, what about this? (Picks up a video) Hmm, “M*A*S*H”. Wait, she might think I find war funny! (He puts it down and picks up another) “Manhattan”. Wait, she might think I find Woody Allen funny! (He looks up to the till and sees Lucy. She’s eating a KIT KAT. He smiles.) God, she looks good. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to be a chocolate covered wafer so much in my whole life.(He sees the romance section.) A ha! Romance! Go to romance. Pick up video. Go to counter. (He begins to walk to the romance section. He’s eyes are still on Lucy and so he walks right past it and stops at the porn instead.) Pay for video. Excuse me, Lucy, would you like to go to the cinema tonight? Why Chandler, yes I would. I rule. Don’t die alone. Live to be a hundred. (Still looking at Lucy, he picks up a video) Oh, and Chandler. yes, Lucy. Can I just compliment you on your video choice of (Looks at box) “Star Whores”!

He scream out loud. Everyone turns to look at him.

Cbrain: Okay, in the porn section. Stay calm.

Chandler: (To everyone) Hi.

Cbrain: Okay! Now put the video down. (he does) Go to the romance section. (He does) Look for good video. (He begins to search) Aha! “Titanic”.

He walks over to the counter. Lucy is now serving someone, but another clerk is free. Chandler stands by the counter waiting for Lucy to finish with her customer. The free clerk comes up to him. Clerk: can I help you sir?

Chandler: No, thanks.

Clerk: Sir, I’m free. I can serve you.

Chandler: NO! Thank you.

Clerk: Why not?

Chandler: Beeeecause; I need this for my leader, the great Nubbin King!!

(He fakes an eye spasm. The clerk backs away. Lucy finishes with her customer.)

Clerk: Lucy, I’m going on my break. This guy is yours.

Lucy: Oh hi, Chandler.

Chandler: Hi

He hands her the video. She looks at it.

Lucy: Ooh, “Titanic”. I love that film.

Chandler: (Affectionately) yeah! It’s a total chick flick, but Kate Winslet does get naked in it.

Lucy looks at him.

Chandler: (Shocked by what he said) Um, is, um, what Joey says when watch it.

Lucy laughs. Chandler looks relieved.

Lucy: Yes, I suspect he would.

She laughs again. Chandler lets out his fake laugh again. Lucy turns to get something and when she does Chandler’s expression changes and he cringes.

Int. Joey and Chandler’s. Day.

Joey is putting on another video. Nest to his chair we see a big pile of videos. These are obviously the ones he bought. there is also a video on the counter next to the phone. As he watches the video, we see nothing but him. We can only hear the TV.

Joey: Cool! Trailers!

He sits down. The “Sesame Street” theme tune begins to play. Then a deep voiced man begins to talk.

Voice: He was the best loved bird in town.

Child: I love you Big Bird!

BBird: (Sounding like Robert De Niro) And I love you kid.

Joey: Aaaaw!

Suddenly the music changes to a heavy beat rock song.

Voice: But then he got addicted to DRUGS!

Joey’s face drops.

Voice: And he took his friends down with him.

BBird: I swear, Oscar, if you don’t come up with the <BLEEP> goods, you’re gonna end up in a trash compactor.

Joey’s eyes widen. He’s obviously petrified.

Voice: Starring Robert De Niro as Big Bird.

BBird: For <BLEEP> sake, Gordon. I put your head in a vice for you to give me the answer, 2+2=5. <BLEEP> Hey, Mac, do this guy a favour.

A gun goes off. Joey grabs a cushion and pulls it over his eyes. he looks briefly over the top.

Voice: And Joe Pesci as Elmo the Monster.

Elmo: (Sounding like Joe Pesci) NO, I don’t know, Telly. Cute and furry, how? As in I’m a cotton wool bud. Here to cleanse your ears of wax.

Voice: Comes a movie based on a script by a guy who once sold a donut to Quentin Tarantino.

BBird: And they will know that I am the bird when I lay my feathers upon thee.

Several gun shots go off and Joey jumps behind his chair.

Voice: Nightmare on Sesame street: Brought to you by the letters LSD!!!

Another voice comes on which is much calmer then the other.

Voice2: And now our feature presentation.

Joey jumps from behind his chair.

Joey: HELL NO!

He pulls the video out of the machine. He walks up to the window, opens it and throws the video out. Then he shudders. Chandler walks in.

Joey: (Walking up to Chandler) So! Did you ask her?

Chandler: (Taking off his coat) I asked her...

Joey: great!

Joey sits down on a recliner. Chandler sits down near the counter.

Chandler: I asked her what her favourite sandwich was?

Joey: Oh, but, hey, least you got a video out of it!

Chandler: (Picking up the video off the counter) But it would appear we already have “Titanic”.

Joey: Yeah, it was in the pile of videos I bought.

Chandler: Oh look, you’ve put a little label on it and everything. Um, wait. Joey. You’ve spelt Titanic wrong. There is no dash between the second T and the A.

Joey: (Matter of factly) Oh, there is in this version.

Chandler: THIS version?

Joey: Well, you know Rose and Jack.

Chandler: Yes.

Joey: Well, Jack is a woman. Oh, and you know Rose’s evil fiancee!

Chandler: Yeah?

Joey: WOMAN! Infact, the Titanic is now a the first lesbian cruise ship.

Chandler: Are there any men in your version?

Joey: No. (reassuringly) But don’t worry, that doesn’t affect the plot.

Chandler: There’s a plot?! Oh, this gets better and better.

Joey: yeah! Rose and Jacqueline (He looks at Chandler as if seeking approval) must use their heated love making to melt the ice berg.

Chandler: Ah, so it’s true to the original.

Joey: (Cheerily) Yep, and under three hours.

Chandler: Of course! Look, if we could just step out of this conversation before you end up telling me about another film version of “Animal farm” you’ve found and concentrate on my problems. I didn’t ask her out!

Joey: Don’t worry. You’ll just have to see her again.

Chandler: How? How will I do this? (He holds up his copy of “Titanic”) You think I should take this back. Get a refund and a date.

Joey: What are you kidding? (He grabs the video off Chandler) Kate Winslet gets naked.

Chandler: Then what are you trying to say? That I should keep buying videos until I ask her out!

He bursts out laughing. Joey just stares at him as if to say, “Well, yeah!”. Chandler stops laughing and immediately frowns. As he does, “You can’t Keep a Good Man Down” by James Brown kicks in.

Cut to montage sequence:

The montage sequence is of Chandler going into the shop, picking up a video, taking it to the counter and then him leaving the shop obviously after having not asked Lucy out. However, each point I mentioned is repeated at least four times, with Chandler wearing different clothes and leaving and entering the shop in different ways.

Cut to:

Int. Chandler and Joey’s. Night.

James Brown is still playing. Joey is strutting his stuff. In the background, we see loads of videos stacked up. There must be every kind of film there. There are even some duplicates. Next to this is a pile of Joey’s cheap videos. suddenly the front door is kicked open. Joey switches off the music and turns to face the door. Chandler stands there.

Joey: (Hopeful) And?

Chandler: And we’ve got another copy of “Interview With The Vampire”.

Joey: Aw, MAN!

Chandler: I know!

Joey: That film sucked the last time you bought it.

Chandler: (taking off his coat) I know. I’m sorry, but I’d already bought “Gone With the Wind” four times so...

He slams down into a chair.

Chandler: I can’t keep this up. I can’t keep buying videos that I’ve already got! I’ve been doing it like for four days now. I mean, granted you guys have been very appreciative of your early birthday, Christmas and Bah Mitzvah presents I’ve got you all.

Joey: Oh, speaking of which. Rachel wonders if you can get her a copy of “Weekend at Bernies”. Ross would like a copy of “The Magic Sword” for Ben and Monica would..

Chandler: Joey!!

Joey: Sorry man.

Chandler: No, look, I’m sorry. It’s just that I’m really annoyed. It’s my own fault that I can’t ask Lucy. She’s been out with you. I can never match up to you. She’ll dump me in like two days.

Joey: hey, listen, you’re a good guy. Don’t worry about matching up to me. Hey, when you were with Janice I heard noises coming out of your room that would put Casanova to shame.

Chandler: (Bashful) Y’think?

Joey: (Kneeling down to Chandler’s level) Yeah! Look, leave it for a while. Don’t see her. Give it some time. We’ll think of something! Okay?

Chandler mumbles.

Joey: Okay, that’s the spirit. Now, why don’t we watch a movie?

Chandler: Ugh! I’m sick of videos. You have nothing that will interest me.

Joey: I, er, found a video of the best of Yasmine Bleeth.

Chandler: Why are you telling me this?

Joey: I...

Chandler: (Jumping out of his seat) Find the goddamn tape. C’mon man!

We fade out as Joey and Chandler run around the room looking for the tape.

Int. Chandler’s room. Night.

Chandler is asleep. We begin to hear muffled music play. Chandler opens his eyes. Puzzled, he puts on his robe and walks out of the room.

Int. Chandler and Joey’s. Night.

He looks around the room. He can see nothing but can still hear the music. He walks out of the apartment.

Int. Hallway. Night.

Music still playing, he walks out of his room. He knocks on Monica and Rachel’s door.

Chandler: Hey, you wanna keep it down!

He bangs on the door, but there is no answer. He turns around and sees Ursula and Phoebe standing in front of his door. They are both wearing blue dresses.

Chandler: Phoebe? Ursula?

Phoebe/Ursula: Come and play with us Chandler. Forever and ever and ever.

They suddenly disappear. Chandler walks into his apartment. he opens the door and gasps in surprise.

Int. Central Perk. Day.

He is now stood in his dressing gown in Central Perk. No one is there, but the music has stopped. Chandler walks up to the bar and sits down.

Chandler: Hi, Gunther!

Gunther has suddenly appeared at the bar. He’s wearing a red bar tender suit.

Gunther: Hello, sir.

Chandler: I’ll have a coffee.

He puts his hand in his pocket. There’s nothing in there.

Chandler: Ah, look, er, Gunther, I’m a little short. How’s my credit?

Gunther: Your credit is fine.

Chandler: Cool! First time for everything.

Gunther hands him his coffee.

Chandler: Look, I’m assuming this is all a dream. So, er, why don’t you just show me some strange image and I’ll be out of here.

Suddenly the room fills up with people.

Gunther: This is Central Perk 2048. See anyone you know?

Chandler looks over at the couch and sees the gang all there. They all look about sixty. Ross has ended up looking like his father. Monica has put all the weight back on. Rachel has the world’s worst face lift. Joey has got hair like his father’s and yet has a young, buxom brunette sitting on his lap. Phoebe looks like Phoebe except with grey hair. Chandler can also see himself. This version of Chandler is referred to as OldChan.

Chandler: What is going on?

Gunther: Watch!

An old Lucy walks into the cafe. Old Chandler watches her walk to the bar.

OldChan: Oh God! She’s back!

Phoebe: Are you going to ask her out this time? OldChan: Oh, I don’t know.

Everyone: DO IT!!!

OldChan: Okay, I’m going.

He gets up and walks to Lucy.

OldChan: Hey, Lucy.

Lucy: Hi.

OldChan: Listen, would you like to come out with me tonight?

Lucy: Wow, I’ve been waiting for you to ask me forever. I‘d love to.

Chandler: I did it. I mean, he did it. I mean....Yay me!

The old Chandler turns to the guys and gives the thumbs up. Suddenly, he grabs his heart.

OldChan: Oh man, could I be having any more of a heart attack!

He collapses. Joey runs up to him and checks his pulse.

Joey: Woah! He did die alone! (Looking at Lucy, smiling) Hey, how you doin’?

Lucy giggles.

Int. Chandler’s room. Night.

Chandler jumps out of bed with a scream. We hear Joey talking through the wall.

Joey: Had the dying alone dream again, huh?

Chandler: Ah, shut up!

Int. Chandler and Joey’s. Day.

Chandler is sat watching TV. He’s in his bedclothes and appears to have been up all night. There are a few empty beer bottles near his chair. He has half a bottle of beer in his hand and in the other a remote control. He’s watching “Metropolis”. It’s now at the bit where the robot lone is being brought to life.

Chandler: This is really over rated!

Joey comes out of his room. He’s also in his dressing gown.

Joey: Woah! What are you doing up so early? Chandler: Ah....well....y’see, I thought “Hey, it’s 2:00am on a Saturday morning. I haven’t got anything planned for the next (Looks at his watch) MILLION years! I’m gonna watch some videos until I die.

Joey: (Sorry he asked) Oh.

Chandler: Hey, you never told me we have “Hitler and Churchill: The Musical” in that pile of videos.

Joey: That’s because I don’t think its’ legal.

Chandler: Well, I know the casting isn’t. Geri Halliwell IS the bounceful Churchill and Meatloaf IS the tuneful Fuhrer.

Joey: So, er, what are you watching now?

Chandler: The third copy of “Metropolis” I bought.

Joey: And?

Chandler: And it’s like “Terminator 2” with the budget.

Joey: (Sitting down next to Chandler) Cool! You, er, wanna turn it up? I can’t hear anything.

Chandler: Joey, it’s a silent film.

Joey: OOPS.

Chandler: GOD! This is so unfair!

Joey: Look, I didn’t know okay!

Chandler: NO! The fact that I can’t ask Lucy out. I mean, I have used the majority of my week off work buying videos and failing to ask out a woman on a date.

Joey: I don’t understand, Chandler. I mean, you’ve never had this problem before. Is it really because of me?

Chandler: No, I don’t think it is. Y’know, I think it’s coz there is something different about her from the other woman I’ve asked out. (He stands up. As he talks he does his usual hand gestures. He’s still got the beer bottle in his hands and as he talks beer goes everywhere.) I mean, when I was Janice I felt comfortable.

Joey: Like a worn out bean bag!

Chandler: Possibly! I mean, I know I dumped her, like what, a gazillion times and she is like the last person I will ever want to get into a relationship with...again. But it felt right when I was with her. It always did. I remember once when we were I this lift on out first date and... Joey: (Smiling) You had sex!

Chandler: No! (He does a large gesture that ends up spilling quite a lot of beer on Joey) I looked down at her for a brief second and she looked at me and BAM!

Joey: (Confused) You blew up?

Chandler: No! We kissed! There was no messing around. No need to get close. No need to exchange money. it just happened.

Joey: Look, er, Chandler. I don’t mean to be rude, but I got an audition late to day and I still gotta learn my lines.

Chandler: The point is that that comfort I had with Janice, I think I can have that with Lucy and that scares the crap outta me?

Joey: Why?

Chandler: Because I don’t even know her. I mean, if it was Rachel, or Monica, or Phoebe, then I could understand because I’ve known them for ages. So, if I asked them out and they said “no” then I know we’d still be friends, but this is a complete stranger and I’m scared. THAT’S IT! (He finally spills his last drop of beer.) That’s why I can’t do it. I’m scared that she’ll say “no”.

Joey: You got all that from a whole night from watching movies.

Chandler: Look, I have to see her.

Joey: You’re not going to buy another video.

Chandler: No, take one back!

Joey: How can you do that? They’ll okay!

Chandler takes “Metropolis” out of the machine. He lifts up the tab and pulls out some of the tape. He looks at Joey with a sly smile.

Chandler: So, how do you suppose that happened?

Joey: (Unsure) Okaaay then! Look, if anything goes wrong, you and me’ll go out to a strip joint, okay?

Chandler: Okay!

Int. Video Store. Day.

Same set up as before. “Up in Arms” by the Foo Fighters is playing. We see the back of Lucy working at the counter. Chandler comes hurtling into the store, his hands holding the broken tape. The video is wrapped up in it’s own tape. Chandler strides up to the counter and places the video down.

Chandler: Hi, Lucy. I’d like a refund on this video and a date!

Lucy turns around and true to the genre, it’s not actually Lucy. It’s Janice.

Janice: (Smiling) Hello Chandler Bing!! Chandler: (Shocked) Hello Just Janice!

Int. Central Perk. Day.

Chandler is sat drinking a coffee. Lucy walks in and goes up to him.

Lucy: Hey!

Chandler: (Glumly) Oh hey!

Lucy: (Sitting down) How are you?

Chandler: Fine!

Lucy: Good.

Chandler: I had to take back a video today.

Lucy: Oh, I wouldn’t know. I don’t work Saturdays.

Chandler: Yeah, I discovered this by facing my greatest fear and running half a mile to get away from her.

Lucy: So, you, er, doing anything tonight?

CBrain: Say no!

Chandler: No.

Lucy: Oh, right because..

Chandler: No, wait I am.

CBrain: What? What are you talking about?

Lucy: Oh.

Chandler: Yeah, me and Joey are going out tonight.

CBrain: What ARE you doing?!

Lucy: Oh, right! I’m going to the Escape Room and thought you’d want to come. Never mind. See ya.

She gets up and goes.

Chandler: Bye!

CBrain: Right, that’s it! I’m not gonna picture her naked! Chandler puts his head in his hands and lets out a muffled scream

Int. Chandler and Joey’s. Night

Chandler enters the flat. Joey’s not there. Chandler switches on some music. Radiohead’s “Creep” begins to seep form the stereo. Chandler takes off his coat. He goes to the fridge and grabs himself a coke. Suddenly the phone rings. Chandler picks it up.

Chandler: Yello. (Pause) Oh, hey Ross. (Pause) No, I wasn’t expecting anyone else. (pause, then Chandler speaks sounding uninterested) Oh, Rachel said that, huh? (Pause, during this Chandler takes out the cookie jar from one of the cupboards and places it on the counter) Yeah, a break I know (Pause) Look, Ross I... (Pause) Uh huh. (Pause, he opens the cookie jar) Tell em all about it.

He places the phone into the cookie jar and puts the lid on top. He goes to sit down. Suddenly another phone rings. Chandler goes to his coat and pulls out a mobile phone. Hey, you never know. He could have one. Anyway, he answers it.

Chandler: Hello (Pause) Oh, hey Rach. Listen... (Pause) No, I don’t know why Ross would say that. Look.. (Pause, he walks up to the cookie jar) Well, why don’t you ask him!

He places this phone into the cookie jar. Chandler finally sits down and switches the CD. “We’re all very worried about you” by the Fun Lovin’ Criminals comes on. As it does Joey walks in.

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hey! Ooh, cookies.

Joey goes up to the cookie jar and opens it. As he does we hear Ross talking..


Joey is slightly taken a back and slams the lid back down.

Chandler: (Matter of factly) Oh, that’s Ross and Rachel. they’re in the jar.

Joey opens the jar. He takes out the mobile phone.

Joey: Hello? (Pause) Oh hey, Rach. (Pause) Um, okay. (He turns the phone off and then take out the other phone.) Ross, she’ll have to call you back.

Joey puts the phones back in the jar and then take off his coat.

Joey: You okay?

Chandler: I think Lucy was trying to ask me out, but I didn’t catch on till she left. Joey: Aw, man. I’m sorry. Hey, wait, where is she going tonight?

Chandler: The Escape Room. Why?

Joey: I’m going there!

Chandler: Hey, what about the strip joint! (He puts on a pouty face)You promised.

Joey: I’m sorry. I met someone at the audition. She invited me out. Come with me. You could surprise Lucy.

Chandler: (Excited) Yeah! I could! Let’s do it!!

Joey: That’s the spirit. Come on, let’s get changed.

Joey runs off into his room. Chandler stays seated. Joey walks out of his room.

Joey: What’s the matter?

Chandler: I can NOT feel my legs.

Fade out as Joey helps Chandler on to his feet.

Int. The Escape Room Night.

Your regular night club. Everyone’s dancin’ and groovin’ and movin’ to the music. “Star 69” by REM is playing. Chandler and Joey enter the room.

Joey: See! Told you all you needed was a shower.

Chandler: Yeah, but did you have to put me in with my clothes on.

Joey: What? And see you naked. NO THANKS! (Suddenly he points) Look, there she is.

We follow Joey’s finger to a small room where we see Lucy entering.

Joey: Go get her!

Chandler walks over to the room.

Int. The small room. Night.

CU of the door way as Chandler enters.

Chandler: Lucy, I was wondering....

Suddenly he looks shocked. We pull back and see Lucy kissing another man. She pulls away from the man and turns to Chandler.

Chandler: Oh, I’m sorry.

Lucy. No worries! Chandler, this is my boyfriend, Steve.

Steve: Hi.

Chandler: Um, I gotta go.

Int. The Escape Room. Night.

Chandler begins to leave the room in a rush. Joey stops him.

Joey: Where are you going?

Chandler: I gotta go.

He pushes past Joey and leaves. Joey tries to after him, but a woman walks up to him. He turns to the woman.

Joey: Hey, how you doin’?

Int. A bar. Night.

The bar is fairly busy. We can see a group of people sat round a table. Three guys and three girls. Chandler walks in. One of the women, a black woman named Cindy, appears to be finishing a story.

Cindy: And I’m like, could I BE in any more trouble.

The gang all laugh. Chandler raises an eye brow and then goes and sits near the bar.

Chandler: (To the bar man)One beer please!

Cindy walks up to him and sits down next to him.

Cindy: (To the Bar Man) Make that two. (To Chandler) Hi, I’m Cindy.

Chandler: Chandler! Listen, I’m not in the mood for group drinking.

Cindy: (Concerned) Why? What’s up, Chandler?

Chandler: Nothing!

Cindy: No, go on!

Chandler: I just spent a week of my life trying to ask out this woman and it turned out she was already going out with someone.

Cindy: Done that! Except it was two weeks and he turned out to be gay. Chandler: So, you’ll know what it’s like.

Time lapse:

Int. The bar. Night.

The bar has emptied apart from the small group in the corner and Chandler and Cindy.

Chandler: So I went from being happy to crappy and then this evening managed to round it off to a even crap.

Cindy: I hear you.

The group in the corner gets up to leave. One of the women walks up to Cindy.

Raquel: Cindy, we gotta go.

Cindy: I’m coming. I’ll meet you outside.

The group leave.

Cindy: Well, it’s been nice knowing you Chandler Bing.

Chandler: You too.

Cindy: I don’t think I’ve talked this long to someone in a long time.

Chandler: Me neither. (Thinks) Listen, would you like to go out some...

Cindy: (Interrupting) Yeah, I’d love to. (She takes out a pen and writes something on a napkin) This my number.

She hands him the napkin and he looks at it then puts it in his pocket.

Chandler: Great! I’ll phone you.

Cindy: Great! See ya!

She walks away. Chandler begins to smile.

CBrain: Okay, I’ll let you picture her naked!

Int. Chandler’s Bedroom. Night.

Chandler is sat in bed looking at the napkin. The beginning of “With or Without you” begins to play. When the first verse starts we realise that Bono is not singing. It sounds a lot like Joey. Puzzled, Chandler gets out of bed.

Int. Chandler and Joey’s. Night.

Chandler opens his bedroom door and sees Joey singing along to a kareoke machine. He sees Chandler and turns it off.

Joey: Sorry! I won it at the club.

Chandler just shrugs and goes back into his room. The program ends. When the Warner Brothers symbol comes up, Joey does the fan fare off screen..

Chandler: (OS) Joey!!

Joey: (OS) Sorry.


Okay, well that’s that one done. I hope you enjoyed it. I know I didn’t leave much room for the rest of characters, but hey, there must be at least 20 other fan fictions on this site that deal with the rest of the gang.

I know the dream sequence was weird. There really was no need to poke fun at The Shining, but I’d just watched it and I had to put the bar sequence in.

Any comments to:

With apologies to Kate Winslet, James Cameron, Stanley Kubrik, Stephen King, Jim Henson and all those who created Sesame Street. (That program rules!)